I try

I try to be a good friend. I try to be good at whatever it is I am doing. Yet sometimes when I hear so much opposition from others I wonder why even try? There is no real handbook for life. Evn if there was, all you could is try because things do not work the same for all. I try to cook. I try to laugh. I try to do what is right. Ever feel like giving up? I do, but then I don't know where I would go to give up to. So I just keep trying.

Alone

Being alone is not so bad but after a lifetime of it it is hard not to drive a new group of friends crazy desiring so much to be a part of things, be invited, be thought of. Part of this I am sure is part mom, part wife and the rest me, but well...

Have you ever wanted somthing so much in life that you feel like the universe is doing everything it can NOT to give it to you?

The moments

You know those moments between the day and the night
The moments between being young and becoming a teenager
The moments between staring at a star and the star falling
The moments between being irresponsible and being mature?


Why can't we stay there?


T~ 7-21-05

melancholy feelings

I'm feeling melancholy. I want to listen to slow music and stare at the wall. I don't think this is usual behavior. I am sure other feel or have felt this way. I use this time to dream or think. Do some inward reflectionof the soul. Sometimes I dream about far off places or sometimes of the past. I remember times of joy and laughter or times of sadness where I learned from it. These times where the wall looks more interestingthan life are nto easy for many.

People look at me and think because of my cheery attitde everything is ok. But deep inside perhaps my heart hurts too. I have been through so much even inthe past year. Those who know me see this, but do not think this has fazed me. But it has.

I question everything now. I questions my morales, my values, my religions my views. I keep asking myself if those are things I truly believe or are they things I beleive as a leftover from someone else. I feel like the runaway bride who never knew what eggs she really liked. I like mine poached medium by the way.

I am in a refindingmode I guess. Re finding myself. Overlooking the past-did I do those things I said I was going to? Well, some but not all. Is it enough to have done some or is it pertinent to cross them all off my list?

life has a funyn way of working things out you know, but sometimes, some nights, some moments...are just melancholy.

Forgt I'm 35

I think we should all be allowed to be the age really feel we are. For some that would be older than they are and for some that would be younger. Sometimes I want to forget Im 35. I feel 25 and look 25, so why can't I jsut be 25? Well, now that would be silly. I know many other people think these types of thoughts.

But for me age 35 is becoming unbearable. There are parts that are exciting again. Trying new things. Studying for new careers. But this is all in an effort to be more mature. I don't want to just be more mature, I want to have fun like a 20 year old again.

So conflicetd and confused. I am the age that I am, but I can be the age I want to show.

Use the Day

Keep forever in view of the momentous value of life; aim at its worthiest use-it's sublimest end; spurn, with disdain, those foolish trifles and frivolous vanities, which so often consume life, as the locusts did Egypt; and devote yourself, with the ardor of a passion, to attain the most divine improvements of the human soul. In short, hold yourself in preparation to make the transition to another life.

~ J. Foster

The List

I got this from another blog and thought it was kewl.

((X) Crashed a car(X) Been in love(X) Been dumped( x) Been fired(x ) Been in a fist fightX) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back(X) Made out with a stranger (X) Lied to a friend(x ) Had a crush on a teacher(x ) Been to Europe(X) Skipped school( x) Been to Mexico (only if TJ counts)(X) Been on a plane( x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show(X ) Thrown up in a bar (x ) Eaten (X) Been in an abusive relationship(X) Taken painkillers(X) Love someone or miss someone right now(X) Laid and watched cloud shapes go by(X) Made a snow angel(X ) Had a tea party(X) Flown a kite(X) Built a sand castle(X) Gone puddle jumping(X) Played dress up(X) Jumped into a pile of leaves(X) Gone sledding(X) Cheated while playing a game(X) Been lonely( ) Fallen asleep at work/school(x) Watched the sun set(X) Felt an earthquake( x) Touched a snake(X) Slept beneath the stars(X) Been tickled( x) Been robbed(X) Been misunderstood(x ) Pet a reindeer/goat(X) Won a contest(X) Run a red light(X) Been in a car accident(X) Felt like an outcast (X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (X) Had deja vu(X) Danced in the moonlight(X) Hated the way you look(X) Witnessed a crime(X) Been obsessed with post-it notes(X) Walked barefoot through the mud(X) Been lost(x ) Been to the opposite side of the world(x ) Swam in the ocean(X) Felt like dying.(X) Cried yourself to sleep(X) Played cops and robbers(X) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers(X) Sung karaoke(x ) Paid for a meal with only coins (X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (yeah)(X) Made prank phone calls when you were younger (X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue(x ) Danced in the rain(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe(X) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about(X) Blown bubbles(x ) Had a bonfire on the beach(x ) Crashed a party(x ) Gone rollerbladdin'(X) Had a wish come true(X) Worn pearls and jeans (together( ) ( x) Told a complete stranger you loved them(x ) Kissed a mirror(X) Sang in the shower(x ) Owned a little black dress (x ) Had a dream that you married someone(X) Glued your hand to something (x ) Kissed a fish(X) Worn the opposite sex's clothes ( x) Been a cheerleader(X) Sat on a roof top(X) Screamed at the top of your lungs(x ) Done a one-handed cartwheel(X) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours(X) Stayed up all night(x ) Didn't take a shower for a week(x ) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree(X) Climbed a tree( x) scared to watch scary movies(x ) Believe in ghosts(X) Have less than 30 pairs of shoes(x ) Played ding-dong-ditch (x) TP'd someones house(X) Played chicken(x ) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on(X) Been told you're gorgeous by a complete stranger (X) Never Broken a bone(X) Been easily amused (X) Caught a fish then ate it(x ) Caught a butterfly(X) Laughed so hard you cried(X) Cried so hard you laughed(X) Mooned/flashed someone(x ) Had someone moon/flash you(X) Cheated on a test(X) Forgotten someone's name.(X) Slept naked(x ) French braided someone's hair( ) Rule at life ( I left this on undone because anyone who thinks they have done this is lying)

Summer days

Summer days come and go. Sometimes I wish I were young again. TO have the freedom to do as you please. No bills, no payments, no work, just freedom. A walk on the beach, hanging out with friends. Going out late saturdays nights. Do things on the spur on the moment. Time thrusts us into the future to the world of finance and responsibility. A world of seriousness and maturity. Why can't there be both? In all my efforts I try to make it so.

I laugh at life. I enjoy the world. I am a a non conformist. I do my thing. I love to be silly and giddy like a school girl. I love to be me, straight down to the core. I am who I am. I like watching movies alone sometimes. I am not afraid of this or feel I have to be with friends. I enjoy shopping with just me and only asking myself if I like what I am trying on or considering buying. I love who I am.

A new friend recently stated that I was mysterious. Many want to know what is behind those eyes, those thoughts. But getting a close look come with a price. A price of truth. True knowledge. I am honet and I will tell you my thoughts. But trust in another human being is not easy. I am sensitivie and get hurt easy. I love and cae with all I have. To have this kind of friend does not come easy.

Am I mysterious? Yes. I will not divulge all of me to someone I barely know. Not that side anyway. You see my laugh, my joy in life, my honesty, but there are many things I have been through that make me who I am today. This is true for all of us. Many people wear themselves on their sleeve only to be brushed off. Time will only unveil the mystery. Something must be kept for me.