The Parental Wedding Blues

Hail to all the moms and das out there who have gone through a daughter or child getting married and you are the one responsible. Of course our daughter wants TWO receptions mind you because they moved their date up. So WE are paying and tending to the one in January and She and her mom are paying for the one in June. Ours is at the cultural hall acorss from the temple, no building fees only cleanup and close down tables and chairs and put them away.

But everything else we are doing. It is 16 days to be exact before they get married and have this reception and nothing is done. I guess they were jsut hanging on waiting for us to pay...I dont know. But we have been back in Cali for 4 days and we have done these steps to planning a wedding short term...

Gelsons (or fine shopping market) 2 6 foot long multi meat subs, fruit salad, pasta salad, cheeses nibblers (squares), and veggie tray with dips= $600
Mac makeup store everything (eyeshadow, lip stuff, face wash and wipes, and more)=$300
Smart and final for cake plates, food plates, silverware and extra forks for cake, plastic flutes for sparkling cider, trays, serving spoons, etc=$150
Tall Mouse for tulle and ribbons and bridal shower gift plus scrapbook materials for making a guest book (they didnt have)=$125
Arranged for nails-French manicure, Deluxe pedicure, full arms and leg waxing=$150
Oh AND bought groceries for the bachelor for the new home so he didn't feel left out=$100 (I will say we gave him $100 budget and he stuck to it well)

I have arranged servers and water pitchers, decorators and people to set up and tear down chairs, plus handleda ll of this so far. WE still have to go to the florist and get flowers and still go to costco right before to get rasberries for the glasses and martinellis cider. We still need napkins and mints, but then I think we jsut might make it. I am keeping every recepit so they can never say "You didn't help or help pay..." and as I sit here typing that...I think dear lord I have become my mother.

Thank you...and good night.

Frustrations

Why is it that whenever guys get in thei "fic it" kind fo mode they become the biggest jerks of all. I swear every guy I know gets into what I call "mechanic mode" when trying to fix a car, downlaod something online, adjsut something on a computer or anything else like that. It drive me completely insane. Did you guys forget your brains? Did you forget to be nice to another human being? I guess respect, concern for another and kindness go out the window when this mode comes upon you. (GEEZ)

He drives me nuts. I get that he is trying to fix my computer and that we were talking on the phone to Verizon. but he is the one who told emt o call. Now if he talks over me and I have to ask the woman 4 times to repeat herself I guess I might jsut start getting a little annoyed at this huh? So I asked him to stop and I put the woman on speaker. Then he starts arguing with her about the bill. Uh hello she is not billing she is Broadband, if you want to talk to billing then ask. Oh no...that would be too simple. Actually ASK for help...heavens no. Now why would eh go and doa thing like that. Goodness. Are all men incapable of asking forhelp or directions? Does every man open the box and jsut start putting something together without ever finind g out how? Do you go to school to learn how to do these things to us women and rive us MAD!!!!???

So I couldn't take it anymore. I set the phone in front of him, slammed the door and walked out to the pool buisness center where I am banging out my frustrations. I could scream right now. These are the times when I think I can't handle it anymore. these small little moments that drive me mad.

I look over at him and he is sitting around in his oh so unattratcive underwear with his belly largely hanging over and he is being an ass. well, if the visual wasn't bad enough the attitude sure puts a damper on things.

I was singing this morning to some church music and thinking about things in my life. Changes I desire. things I want to do, things I want to solve and I was thinking so hard about doing everything I could to make it work. But then not a ahlf hour later he shows his true colors and I can't stand him again. Is this what wedded bliss is supposed to be? Plus I have spent 9 years listening to him snore louder and louder the fatter and fatter he gets!! How much more can I take of this?

I shake my head wondering...wondering what it is that will make me blow...because I know...I jsut know...it is going to be something stupid liek this where I jsut can't take it anymore.

Sobbing

I sat there...water dripping over me and just stared. Then I started to cry and then I really sobbed and let it out. I buried my head into my knees to sob into them so he couldnt hear me. I jsut wanted to be by myself. I felt alone when he is near me anyway so why should I get him involved? The email from the school was the straw that broke the camels back I guess. Not getting paid, dealing with vendors, issues at work, now being micro managed, and then...the school.

It all seems so frustrating at times. I feel as if I am being swallowed whole by the earth like quicksand and I am reaching my arms out for anyone to take my hand and pull me out as they walk by but no one sees me. The step over me, they walk around me, or some of them even stepped right one me! As I start hollering for help thinking this will acquire more attention they then put in earplugs, turn on mp3 players or jsut squint their faces and walk faster as if the quicker the go the quieter I will get.

I am thinking about all of this while I am sitting there...on the floor of the bathtub, with the shower water on me. My hair is wrangly, but skin is pruning, and my legs itch now from the shower water hitting my knees with no soap, but I don't care.

I sob more and more...I sob for missing my mom...I sob for the continual trials I am always faced with licing this life...I sob for my children-that no one seems to hear them or care about thier misery and when I try to I get shot down like the email I received...I sob for my work and being told to be a go getter and head strong but then when I do I end up pissing someone off and then I get micro managed...I sob for my financial issue with paychecks...I sob for always having to be the one to deal with all that crap and why can't he ever step up to the plate and be a mna and handle things...I sob for thoughts of misery and unhappiness....I sob for thoughts that perhaps being single maybe wouldn't be better it would be harder but if the lights get turned off, or the car doesnt get paid, or the rent is late, or or or...then it would be MY fault not his not anyones but my own...I sob to think that maybe it would be better....I sob for misery of feeling mistreated emotionally and feeling that he doesnt desire to treat me better as he seems to see nothing wrong with throwing money down ont he table when he leaves or me having to ask him for money all the time or having him TELL me what to say or do...no of course he doesnt see all this is a bad thing...but I do...I tell him..but he is deaf to my words...I sob for this and more...but most of all...I sob for my life...I sob for my lonliness...and I sob for missing my friends....Ineed a hug right now.

He comes in and ses I am upset and then says he worries. He rubs my back. Oh yeah that makes it all better...RIGHT. How about doingthings right in your life...how about fixing yourself so you are not a slob...how about taking responsibilty for your home...for your work...for your OWNlife and let me live mine and think and act for myself...How about taking care of your family...consistenly...stable...secure...how about it?

I stare at the water draining ina circle around the ring of the tub....It does not even fathom me that he is rubbing myback...it means nothing to me...I dont care anymore...is it too late to care...I dont know...but I can't sit here anymore and do this....I talk for a bit because he persistenly asks...but then gather myself (so he'll go) and shut off the shower, dry off and get into cozies.

I go to bed and crash. The next morning I was almsot an hour late to work...Gee I wonder why...

New Avatar

I found out you can add your Yahoo Avatar to your blog. I am a dork and think this is kewl. I did have a cowgirl on my yahoo, but I always like to make my Avatar fancy for the Holidays.

I was talking to A on the phone. Unfortuantely right before I called him I had a message from P his dad. P, gee that is a good initial becausse he is no better than pee. Anyway, I digress. I know I shouldn't think that way but the man annoys me. He is all freaked out because I won't call him and he needs to know my location and he needs to know if I am taking A or not and blah blah blah. It is just driving him insane that I won't call him and he can't control me. He irks me so much.

So I was talking to Alex and he and I were talking about magic cards and video games. He confirmed that I would not be seeing him for the holidays and then moved on. Then after about 20 minutes he tells me how much he has missed this fun mom who isn't so serious all the time. He said he liked this mom better. What do you say to that? Well, I told him that was fine but he needed to grow up and be serious and have serious conversation once in awhile. He said "uh huh" and that was it.

Then he began playing his game for awhile and became disinterested in talking to me. I asked if he wanted to talkt o S and he said yes so they talked for a bit. Then he played his game again so S got off the phone with him too. While he was playing his game I started building my avatar.

I said Good bye and our Friends forver thing and that I lvoed him. He repeated it but it sounded repeated and not real. How do you get a long with your kid when all you want to do is scream when you talk to them. I wonder oft times what our lives will be like when I am not "scheduled" to talk to them anymore? Will they call me? Will they still say "Friends Forever, love you"? Will they mean it? Do they mean it now?

SIGH. Beinga mom is hard. Being a mom, from a divorce, dealing with a crazy EX, who won't let you see your kid when you are only 60 miles not 1700 is murder. Plus the fact that the 17 year old kid won't stand up for you but everything and anything else he wants in life.

SIGH. All i can do is SIGH. Well, at least My Avatar is happy and looks pretty.

Eating Alone

I got up today and thought I would try and do something nice. He has been so worried about everything and sressed out and I thougt making breakfast would be a good thing and perhaps we could spend sometime together.

I made breakfast and had it onthe table and he told me he had to finish his game first. So I sat there....and ate....alone...in silence. The only thing you could hear was the Christams music I had on in the background. I finished, left the table alone while he compelted his game. Once he was done and had died in his game, I think I had died inside.

I told him yesterday he needed to take an acitve part in our marriage. I know he heard me..but see he doesn't listen. he doesn't want to hear what HE needs to do, only what "I" need to do.

Having me eat by myself after I made him breakfast doesn't seem like an active part to me.

What do I know though right?

How can I feel so alone when someone is inthe same room with me?

This life of mine

The life you envision may not always be the life you end up with. SO what do you do whenthis is the case? How do you be happy when your marriage is failing, your children are not in your home, one of your children does nto desire you in thier life? What then? What do you do when your sposue wants to do nothing but blame you to make your life better? Do you have another failed marriage? Do you fight harder or give in eventually and throw up your arms and say...I'm done. I give. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I know I;m not happy.I know this isn't the life I want. I know I'm tired of strugling so much. I know I miss my mom and now is like thae crappiest time for her to be gone. If I ever needed my mom in all my life, I give up all the years I wanted her there and forgive all the other years she wasn't for this year. But as spolied brat as I am I can't do that to her. I know if I asked them to come back they would, but they deserve a life as well. They have waitied all thier life for this retirement. Plus I need to be mature here and I am being mature. I will suffer silently. I will be miserable. I will be unhappy. I will fight for something that only one side wants to do to change it. I will smile sweetly and ac like it is alright when it is not.

I hate this life. I want a real life. I want to stop struggling. I want to stop crying over children I can nver have or never are going to want me in thier life. I want to have bills paid on time and have a real roof over my head. I want a house and a car that I can call my own. I want a job and a career and to be honored and respected. I want to be treated like a human being and not a child. I want to have money inmy own bank account that is mine and no one else. I want to not have to askk for money or be thrown money down before he goes away and feels me like a prostitute without the benefits.

The song from Dolly Parton "Hard Candy Christmas" is on and I can't help but feel it in my bones. As I sit here and type in my journal, a tear fall from my cheeks and I silently sob so he won't hear me behind me as he plays his computer game.

"I'll be fine and dandy
lord its like a hard candy christmas
Im barely gettingthrough tomorrow
but still I wont let sorrow bring me way down"

I wish my father were still alive. I need him. I need a friend right now. I need someone here to hold me and truly care about me and help me through this. All my old friends are in a such a different place than I am now so I don't waste the time to contact them. My other friends are in other places across the globe. I feel that they are tired of hearing about my dramatic life anyway. I don't mean it to be it just is.

What do I do with this life? Where do I go from here? My tear stained pillows are my only comfort through this mess. My aching heart of agony and frustration has had it's due. I am done. He cries in front of me and there is nothing left of me to feel for him anymore. My heart is frozen as a lake on Christmas Day. But even more than that, the boys, my family, the bills, it all gets to be too much at times.

I want to be happy. I jsut want to be happy.I want to be respected. I want to feel loved. I want to feel...

My Life

My life
Is not my life
My words
are not my words
My actions
are someone else
whatever I say
I have to control
Whatever I do
is faced with consequence
the price to pay
is always too high
When I have my life back?

5 weeks

Well, We have been here for 5 weeks now and I already have had to deal with the demise of my ex. he is such a jerk to everyone. I can't beleive people ever believe inhim. Work is good and I like it ok, but I am dissapointed because it isn't what I thought it would be. The good news is I can pretty much make it my role. My mom is still gone and traveling for the first time all around and I hope she is having fun. I miss her, but I knoew she will be home soon. The wedding is coming up and I will be so glad when it is over. Planning a wedding that isn't yours isn't any fun. All I get to do is pay for it and that sucks. Also the apartment will be done in January and that will save us on some money which will be so nice. I really want to save money right now.

Things ar eup and down inmy life and I actually am not that happy. I wish things were better, but they aren't. I am mustering to get by and putting on a pretty face. Somedays are better than others. I know life is what you make it, but I only beleive that to be tru to a certain extent. I don't know how I feel about my religion either. I feel like every religion has it;s problems so I can't think anyone is perfect. I know this.

I would liek the world to slow down and let me off for awhile. But now I am back to reality and know that won't happen...

Maybe back in Iowa

Well, it's true. tehre is a high likely we may be going back to Iowa. I don't know that I want to, but there seems to be this pull for jobs and contracts in the area. Nate needs me and perhaps it would show to WW how much I care that I get work close by. Maybe DHS will see a change in me and give me a chance.

Then again, perhaps I am not meant to go back and will obtain one of these other jobs here in California. I have learned though you have to be careful what you ask for. I always thought I wanted to work for F Corp but now I am here and I am bored stiff.

The other job is for FA and I am afraid it will turn out like this one. I always wanted to work there, but perhpas it isn't what it is cracked up to be.

Well, we will see what goes, what gives etc.

Until then, here's waiting!

What I want

I jsut want what every mother wants. I want my children in my life. I want to be a part of theirs. I want them to want me to be a of thier life. But because of all the brainwashing of my spouse, as the years have gone on, that time has passed. Alex informed me Saturday that he was getting confirmed in the Catholic church Sunday. Well, gee, thanks for letting me know. I guess that lets me know where I am in his life....Im not evidentally. By that time I couldn't even send a card int ime, much less be there, or send a gift. All teh shilw Nate is nearly screaming and jumping down ina fit for want to be with me and he can't and people are tellinghim her cant. Nice huh?

Then life throws me fast balls and curve balls by me and sCott not having work, not being able to pay bills, hiding our life away from collectors, owing people in the church, Owing our ex's, and the list goes on.

I think sometimes the worls spins way too fast for us and our only recources is to hang on and throw up for dizziness or jump off at a hundred miles an hour killing ourselves. Either way it seems so futile at times.

I know many of you have been there. I know there are others. I am not saying my life is any different thant anyone elses. I know that. I jsut needed to vent and vent I DID!

Birthdays and Anniversaries

Today was a birthday and anniversary of family. This month has been nuts. A death in the family, loss of work, can't find new work, events, missed plane to Iowa, Owe family money, scarping buy to see if we can pay bills, changes in life for children, wedding plans changes for C, and I am not feeling well. No wonder huh?

My back aches, my side stomach pains but its not time so I dunno know why it is, my wallet is empty, and the stress level is rising.

If you are reading this you could either be saying: Geez quit complainging you have it easy or I know how you feel. I don't think there is an in between.

We are blessed with many things, but we have so little of other things. It's a double edge sword.

RX temp jop

I am temping at this pharm place. It is weird. I need a real job

Changes/No Sleep

Have you ever woken up so early becuse your mind is reeling and racing with so many thoughts that you can't sleep? Well, that happened this morning. I had a wonderful saturday to sleep and I woke up at 6:30. Woo hoo. I slept in for 30 min. I am so wound up with thoughts. It is like synapsis of thoughts running through my head.


Work: changes need to be made at work. I should be driving my peers like my boss wants me to. I shuld be guiding, but not driving. Iw ill have to let my boss know.

Work: I am a little overwhelmed with all the things I am doing, Executive support, Admin, file organization, purchasing, IT, whoa.

Home office: we need to clean things out, move things around, straighten. We need to discern between reponsibilites, etc.

Friends: haven't heard from C in awhile? What is up?

Friends: E is very far away.

Kids: I hope A and N are ok.

Food: I am kind of hungry

Sleep: I can't beleive I only slept in for 30 min. What a maroon.

S: why does he have to snore so loud?

Work: I think all the girls around me hate me. They all think I am trying to take over but I am only doing what my boss is telling me. Am I going over the top? I am going to tone it down a lot this week. Even after N gets back I think I am jsut going to keep to myself and not talk to anyone or ask them anything.

Work: I hate it when I feel like that


are you tired reading this yet? Geez no wonder I woke up.

Well I have to go shower, get ready for the day, etc. I have a lot of office things to do designing logos, Excel sheets and workbooks, expense, and all that.

Pick up B and get crackin.

Gott run
ttfn

New Job New site New life

Where to start...

I have a new job working fashionIsland, NB. I love it it is for a huge company and very well known so I wont name them. I love it, I lvoe my boss. It is a woman but she actually likes me and is kind so we get along and we are very similar and have much in common.


My spouse and I are now Incoporated and all is starting to progress well there. We are corp to corp with our companies and things are looking better there. We have a few websites up and things are good. Maybe we will be big somday...who knows.

My friends are all moving all over heck and back and I havent talk to C for forever. E is moving to colorado and all the people I really know are gone. S is working inNY most of the time and I only see him every other weekend.

It is very hard. I feel so very alone...more than I have in a very long time. I want to share with someone how sad I am that E has moved, but I don't think anyone would understand.

Plus we have had personally a lot of financial difficulties and problems, things going wrong, etc.

Sometimes it gets to be too much to bear. But I was waching a show last night and it said" You never know what life will throw your way...it is a good thing God is my catcher!"

I loved that.

Well, Im off to work and tonight S will be home for a few days.

I prob wont get to write until S leaves again...but we will see.

It's June Already???

Whoa What happened? I jsut realized it is June and I haven't wrriten anything in months.

Well, Actually my friend said I miss seeing your regular posts. So here I am.

Actually I have been hard writing so I will type some things in a little later today. But to all I jsut wanted to say hey.

Life in 06

Well I figured I better update this especially as someone who loves journaling I haven't been consistent on my blog, but I have in my journal books. In fact I even bought one recently that I am going to redecorate.

Well, I am on the job hunt again. The mortgage company I was working for was not a good fit. I may take some temp jobs again. My spouse and I are working on our biz and it looks like this one might pan out.

So of course as new years go that mean new resolutions so here goes:

In 2006 I:

Will write in a journal more
Will seriously work on the biz
Will take things lighter
Will be softer
Will trust less people
am not going to wear my heart on my sleeve
am going to be more careful
am going to sit on my Yoga ball once a week
am not going to get into anything legal (if possible)
will make it through the year