A Journal prompt for this week was "How can my Strong self help my Weak Self?"
Well, I feel like I have already had instances where I fell into this so I felt like I was writing this after the fact, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't apply, I feel quite the opposite. I feel like I embraced the lesson well and was able to apply it to my life directly and immediately. Here is how I embraced my Weak Self this week and how I envisioned My Strong Self is there for my Weak Self...
My Strong Self is there to...
wipe away my tears
brush my hair back from my face
rub my shoulder when I am shaking
hold me when I crying
hold my hair when I am throwing up from crying so much
there to give me a drink of water
rock me to make me feel better
allow me time to mope
to pull the covers back when I have been moping too long
accept my flaws
accept my weakness
love me despite my faults
to reach out and take my hand
to say to me...
"it's ok weak self...I love you no matter what...I accept your weak self...we will do this together..from here on out...from now until the end of time and then some."
Foreve we are like a figure 8...Intertwined...
that is how my Strong Self will Help my Weak Self..
It will Love me for Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG7SPCVkKyY
It accepts the Real Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3kr9eqxwCo
Lyrics Real Me Natalie Grant -
Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?
[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Come Home
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| Found Image by ~Valentina~ |
So the other interesting thing my friend said to me that I chose to make a separate blog about was Coming home. He said to me, "you need to come home."
Well, D, that is just what I am working on doing. Come Home to my Soul House.
When he first said it I thought, well Boone, Iowa is not really my home. Yes, I was born there, but I didn't grow up there. I grew up in Garden Grove California, but we moved around there, and Anaheim and then as an adult S and I moved around all Orange County. I did come back to Iowa for my son and ended up in Des Moines, Iowa and then I followed a man to Omaha, Nebraska.
He used to say "Home is wherever we are." I used to feel so at home there. With him By him. By his side. Now I just feel lost.
I have heard others say "Home is where the heart is." Well, again lost. I don't know where my heart is. I don't know where my head it either though!
I am currently in Week 3 of Soul Restoration. I am one step closer to "HOME" every single day. I closed my Soul House for Restoration. I went back in time and learned that I did the best I could, The past did not nor has or will I let it anymore define me. I am not a Broken Girl anymore. There is a love they will never steal away. I am not the worthless they made me feel. They will never steal my heart away.My tears do touch the ground. I have laid my shattered pieces down. I am being put back together again!
Broken Girl by Matthew West
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guaG981MLoQ
I learned that in Week 2, all those things that happen to me, they happened. They are in my past. I will not be shamed for them anymore. They were not my fault. What was my fault, I will not blame myself for anymore. No Blame No Shame! In looking over them, I realized that they did NOT consume. going forward I will not LET it consume it. I will not let anything again consume me, if I can dearly help it.
And as you know in this week I have learned to embrace my Weak Self and I have done a VERY good damn good job of that. let me tell you. This process. not easy. You think it is? You think, because you see me making crafts and writing things down it is? Well, it is not. I have never been more "In Tune" with myself in my whole life. It is hard. One has to DIG DEEP into their Soul and Reach Out and Pull Out parts that you didn't want to see and parts that you needed to see.
"Coming Home" is not as easy as everyone makes it sound. You don't just Pack up your bags and walk out the door.
how do I Come Home? Where do I go? Where is Home for me anymore? I don't know where my "Real Home" is from one week to the next. I am working on coming home D. That is why I am here.
I know I have found One home...Brave Girls. When soul restoration goes way I will still have Brave Girls. There will still be those women. To cheer me on. To be there for me. I am no longer alone. I will Never be Alone again. i have found a home in them at least.
As for the rest. I am working on getting back to the only Home that I need to be right now.
Mine....
This is Home Switchfoot Piano Solo...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEQJuKneDeU
Fitting in the Mold
I was talking to a friend tonight that shared with me how people try to fit us in a mold that sadly we try and put ourselves into.
I am my own person. Be who I am.
That really hit me because my father used to say before he passed "They broke the mold when they made you!"
It took all my might to not burst out in tears when he said that. So it got me to thinking about that concept even more.
If I could envision my mold I would say it was pink, had sparkles on it,fairy dust, pink bubbles and was filled with love, compassion, understanding, and empathy for others so I would be able to be there for what others have gone through in life. my mold would produce a child so wonderful and different and unique that as my father said, the mold broke when I was born! But did someone else break it as he said or did I break it coming out of my shell?
He said, "Most people can't even fit into their old mold." They see success and strength in me. I can't allow them to bring me down.
I am not going to be who others want me to be. They need to accept me. I am not maid to order! (My friend said that too) I am made the way I am.
I am not going to beat myself up.
I am one in a million.I am special. I am beautiful. I deserve happiness. I am worth it. I am unique. I have amazing talents.
I am a Beautiful Soul!
I am who I am.
It is odd that he called me when he did because he is an old dear friend of our family. He went to school with my sisters. We talk on FB and have tried to call from time to time but never connected. Tonight I was very upset about something that happened in my life. I was going through the pain and enduring it.
My other friend called me earlier and told me told that Pain is a way of showing us when we are unhappy and that unhappiness is the catalyst for change. I thought about that tonight when I was dealing with pain and crying my tears tonight through my pain.
D called me right in the midst of tears. It was ironic and that song "Isn't it ironic" comes to mind. I think God yelled at D and said CALL TRISHA NOW SHE NEEDS A FRIEND AT 3 AM in the MORNING TO TALK TO! and just my luck D listened to the still small voice and called me.
It was good to be reminded of those things. I know them. My Truth Teller keeps reminding me too. I need to listen. I am working on that. (btw this year i do not desire to say Try anymore but "working on" since it has more action to it than try which often leads to failure and allows for success) I am working on listening to my TT. I am working on Believing the Truths. The lies are much easier to beleive.
I need to stay strong and stay focused and remember I am a Beautiful Soul. Getting me right is the most important. Road to Recovery from church talks about not filling up my life with men but that being Co Dependent and that I need to turn my life to God. During this time I am reminded of that. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby.But even more so, I don't NEED anyone else right now. I need me.
I need me. I need me to be ok. I need me to be right. I need to let go and move on. I refused to settle. I asked for what I wanted. I stood up for me. He didn't follow. He didn't choose me. The healthy thing was for me to move on. The Healthy thing was for me to let go. As much as it pains me. As much as it hurts. As much as I did fall into my weakness and crawl under the covers for many hours, eventually I got back up because remember those pictures from before???
Well, My Strong Self sat on the edge of my bed, moved my hair away from my face, gave me a tissue, wiped my tears from eyes, got my breathing together, got a drink of water, did some yoga to relax and some breathing exercises, then turned to my Weak Self and said
"Weak Self... I know you are hurting. I know you are sad. I know this hurt you very much. I know this was hard and I know you don't WANT to get out of the covers, but it's ok I will be there with you. Remember we will do this together. Together forever from now on. I will love you weak self the best I can. Your Best is Perfect to me. You Matter to me. It will all be ok in time.We will heal together."
"Will you take my hand tonight Weak Self and get out of bed?"
and my Weak Self said "Ok, I will surrender to you... and Together Strong Self we will be ok" :)
I am my own person. Be who I am.
That really hit me because my father used to say before he passed "They broke the mold when they made you!"
It took all my might to not burst out in tears when he said that. So it got me to thinking about that concept even more.
If I could envision my mold I would say it was pink, had sparkles on it,fairy dust, pink bubbles and was filled with love, compassion, understanding, and empathy for others so I would be able to be there for what others have gone through in life. my mold would produce a child so wonderful and different and unique that as my father said, the mold broke when I was born! But did someone else break it as he said or did I break it coming out of my shell?
He said, "Most people can't even fit into their old mold." They see success and strength in me. I can't allow them to bring me down.
I am not going to be who others want me to be. They need to accept me. I am not maid to order! (My friend said that too) I am made the way I am.
I am not going to beat myself up.
I am one in a million.I am special. I am beautiful. I deserve happiness. I am worth it. I am unique. I have amazing talents.
I am a Beautiful Soul!
I am who I am.
It is odd that he called me when he did because he is an old dear friend of our family. He went to school with my sisters. We talk on FB and have tried to call from time to time but never connected. Tonight I was very upset about something that happened in my life. I was going through the pain and enduring it.
My other friend called me earlier and told me told that Pain is a way of showing us when we are unhappy and that unhappiness is the catalyst for change. I thought about that tonight when I was dealing with pain and crying my tears tonight through my pain.
D called me right in the midst of tears. It was ironic and that song "Isn't it ironic" comes to mind. I think God yelled at D and said CALL TRISHA NOW SHE NEEDS A FRIEND AT 3 AM in the MORNING TO TALK TO! and just my luck D listened to the still small voice and called me.
It was good to be reminded of those things. I know them. My Truth Teller keeps reminding me too. I need to listen. I am working on that. (btw this year i do not desire to say Try anymore but "working on" since it has more action to it than try which often leads to failure and allows for success) I am working on listening to my TT. I am working on Believing the Truths. The lies are much easier to beleive.
I need to stay strong and stay focused and remember I am a Beautiful Soul. Getting me right is the most important. Road to Recovery from church talks about not filling up my life with men but that being Co Dependent and that I need to turn my life to God. During this time I am reminded of that. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby.But even more so, I don't NEED anyone else right now. I need me.
I need me. I need me to be ok. I need me to be right. I need to let go and move on. I refused to settle. I asked for what I wanted. I stood up for me. He didn't follow. He didn't choose me. The healthy thing was for me to move on. The Healthy thing was for me to let go. As much as it pains me. As much as it hurts. As much as I did fall into my weakness and crawl under the covers for many hours, eventually I got back up because remember those pictures from before???
Well, My Strong Self sat on the edge of my bed, moved my hair away from my face, gave me a tissue, wiped my tears from eyes, got my breathing together, got a drink of water, did some yoga to relax and some breathing exercises, then turned to my Weak Self and said
"Weak Self... I know you are hurting. I know you are sad. I know this hurt you very much. I know this was hard and I know you don't WANT to get out of the covers, but it's ok I will be there with you. Remember we will do this together. Together forever from now on. I will love you weak self the best I can. Your Best is Perfect to me. You Matter to me. It will all be ok in time.We will heal together."
"Will you take my hand tonight Weak Self and get out of bed?"
and my Weak Self said "Ok, I will surrender to you... and Together Strong Self we will be ok" :)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Embrace our Weakness Project
We were tasked this week to Embrace our Weakness.
This is a Truth Card I made
It says "I am Broken & I am Whole" off to one side is My Broken Self and the other side is My Whole Self. Then underneath it says "My Whole Self Needs My Truth Teller"
This is my Truth book project for this week.
This page says all of these below
I will not hide myself. I will not shame myself. Nothing can change this love. We need each other. Even when we mess up, we will start over. today is a brand new day together. We will learn from each other. I am Learning. I will love you the best ways I know how. I will do my best to always protect you. We will make it through this. This is our beautiful life together. We are so much more than our weaknesses.
This page says :
All of me is Necessary
My Weak Self Needs My Love
No Shame No Blame
We Must Stay Together
and then there is an icon for My Weak Self and an icon for My Strong Self. I chose this picture because it has the one girl with her hand on the other girls leg comforting her. Isn't that what it is like when someone else is stronger than the other? they are there to comfort us?
Then I posted one of our truths this week "Your best is your perfect." It really spoke to me because I know I am a perfectionist. I expect the very best of myself and even better than that. I expect a lot of other people as well. Often we compare ourselves to others and we should not do this. I think, why can't I be that or why can't I have that? I expect too much of me and think I should be better than I am. I think I need to be more perfect than I could possibly be, because I do not have the skills or the resources to be those things. Seeing that my Best is my Perfect touched my heart so very much. Just be me. Others may not agree, but be me. My Best is perfect. Perfectly me.
the other little truth you may or may not see is in right hand in the corner of the picture. It says "You Matter." Last night, when I held it I literally held onto so long I almost thought I wore the type off of it. I just held onto it and cried and cried. I don't know how long I held it and cried but it was awhile. I grasped it in my fingertips as tightly as I could as if it was going to fly away and as if it did fly away i would lose it and something would happen. I Matter. Hmmm...
You know where that sent me? To what Melody was saying about sometimes it really is easier to believe the lies. The weak side of me believes that I don't matter. That I am no one. The Weak Self of me starves herself and is insecure and thinks no one wants her or wants to be her friend. The weak self thinks she does not matter to anyone. Those are lies. All horrible lies.
The Strong Self knows I do matter. the strong self says, this world would miss me if I was gone. The strong self says if I was never born this world would be a very different place. The strong self says I am here for you when you are weak Trisha and even for once believe that horrible lie.
You deserve to be put first. Because you do matter. And this project reminded me that I do matter, I am weak and I am strong and together we need each other. WE shall not chastise each other. We will embrace each other and welcome the other. Weak and Strong.
I have been put down for my insecurities for too long. I accept them now. I embrace them. I am weak. It happens.
I embrace you Weak Self. Will you take my hand and walk with me together?
Yes, Strong Self....I would be happy to...
:)
This is a Truth Card I made
It says "I am Broken & I am Whole" off to one side is My Broken Self and the other side is My Whole Self. Then underneath it says "My Whole Self Needs My Truth Teller"
This is my Truth book project for this week.
This page says all of these below
I will not hide myself. I will not shame myself. Nothing can change this love. We need each other. Even when we mess up, we will start over. today is a brand new day together. We will learn from each other. I am Learning. I will love you the best ways I know how. I will do my best to always protect you. We will make it through this. This is our beautiful life together. We are so much more than our weaknesses.
This page says :
All of me is Necessary
My Weak Self Needs My Love
No Shame No Blame
We Must Stay Together
and then there is an icon for My Weak Self and an icon for My Strong Self. I chose this picture because it has the one girl with her hand on the other girls leg comforting her. Isn't that what it is like when someone else is stronger than the other? they are there to comfort us?
Then I posted one of our truths this week "Your best is your perfect." It really spoke to me because I know I am a perfectionist. I expect the very best of myself and even better than that. I expect a lot of other people as well. Often we compare ourselves to others and we should not do this. I think, why can't I be that or why can't I have that? I expect too much of me and think I should be better than I am. I think I need to be more perfect than I could possibly be, because I do not have the skills or the resources to be those things. Seeing that my Best is my Perfect touched my heart so very much. Just be me. Others may not agree, but be me. My Best is perfect. Perfectly me.
the other little truth you may or may not see is in right hand in the corner of the picture. It says "You Matter." Last night, when I held it I literally held onto so long I almost thought I wore the type off of it. I just held onto it and cried and cried. I don't know how long I held it and cried but it was awhile. I grasped it in my fingertips as tightly as I could as if it was going to fly away and as if it did fly away i would lose it and something would happen. I Matter. Hmmm...
You know where that sent me? To what Melody was saying about sometimes it really is easier to believe the lies. The weak side of me believes that I don't matter. That I am no one. The Weak Self of me starves herself and is insecure and thinks no one wants her or wants to be her friend. The weak self thinks she does not matter to anyone. Those are lies. All horrible lies.
The Strong Self knows I do matter. the strong self says, this world would miss me if I was gone. The strong self says if I was never born this world would be a very different place. The strong self says I am here for you when you are weak Trisha and even for once believe that horrible lie.
You deserve to be put first. Because you do matter. And this project reminded me that I do matter, I am weak and I am strong and together we need each other. WE shall not chastise each other. We will embrace each other and welcome the other. Weak and Strong.
I have been put down for my insecurities for too long. I accept them now. I embrace them. I am weak. It happens.
I embrace you Weak Self. Will you take my hand and walk with me together?
Yes, Strong Self....I would be happy to...
:)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Where to Begin - So much to say....
Oh where to begin today. I have so much in my head that I do not know if my fingers will be able to keep up with my typing.
First off I would like say a few things about what I am going through. This process has not been easy for me, but I know it has been worth it.I am most certainly learning about myself and learning how to deal with my past and how to release it where I need to and embrace it where I need to. I have cried many tears and I know I will cry more. Tears are healing so i am ok with that.
Second, While going through process I truly do believe that I am softening. Which I think is a very good thing for me. I am so strong and tough feel like I have to be so strong all the time to be there for others, to deal with my life, to be there for my children, to be there to hold up the world. Brave Girls has taught me that it's ok, I don't need to hold up the world. I can rest, I can relax, I can just be me. We are learning this week to Embrace our Weak parts and join hands with our Strong Parts. I am excited about that, and will talk more on that in another blog when I load my project up. But I am excited I will say for this project because I think learning to Embrace the Weaker parts of ourselves allows us to accept ourselves more.
Third, being me. I have worried so much in my business life what others are doing and what others are saying and where others are in the business that I have not just allowed myself to be me. I took a step back in my Time Line at when I was successful and what that meant. A SR Truth I saw says "It is time for you to come up with your own definitions of happiness and success." So I looked back and looked forward to do just that.
I realized that a good part of that entailed me being myself and being what I like to be. If I want to wear hot pink nail polish then so be it. If I want to wear colored bangles, then I will! I need to stop worrying about the fact that it is "unprofessional" or not "normal". As my good friend KSM says on her blog, "Normal is a setting on a dryer" and I love that! I have worried so long about not only pleasing the business people in my life, but also pleasing the men in my life. My ex spouse hated my hair in barrettes and headbands, so I didn't wear them. How dumb is that? Just because he didn't like them. Other men have said they didn't like the way I dressed too cute or acted too silly, talked too much or was too cheery. Some thought I dressed to risque. Then there was who I was spending my time with, who I was talking to and who I was hanging out with. Again, trying to please someone else I have allowed friends to go by the wayside and lose good friends who cared about me and were a support to me. Then there was what I ate and/or drank to make them happy. All in all, I have realized I am spending far too much time appeasing and pleasing others and not me. I am not choosing my happiness.Why?
Well, I used to say "the consequence was too high." To me that meant that I knew it was going to be a battle or a confrontation and I just didn't want to deal with it. So instead of standing up for these things, or standing up for me, I gave in. I settled, I conceded, I compromised. It was too tiring to fight against an abusive husband or struggle with a indecisive boyfriend . It was too frustrating to fight for my needs and wants when constantly being told that desiring, wanting and yearning for those needs are Selfish, Bratty, Spoiled and Unwarranted. Even if I felt like that judgment was wrong that I had a right to want those things, that I had a right to ask for happiness, that I had a right to ask to be put first, or that I had a right to want more out of life.
But a little here and there I would gather strength or courage to do so and of course the usual comeback of "I don't know who you are" or "I can't talk to you anymore" usually follows. When discussing this within the safety of the forum it was brought to my attention that this could be a form of sabotage and I nearly fell on the floor when I heard it.
Why you ask? Because in 2006 when I cleaned my plate of those other destructive people in my life, I heard the same thing. Instead of supporting me and uplifting me and embracing this with me, I get to feeling that - sabotaged.
I am vulnerable right now and allowing ourselves to stay that way is not easy. Embracing that is hard. When we are weak, and trying so very hard to strengthen ourselves, this is when we need those supporting us. I like to think of that picture of the guys all trying to raise the flag at Iwo Jima...they are all there to help and support each other to get it there.
I need that right now. Others may not agree with my choices. Others may not like the clothes I wear, or the friends I hang out with. They may not like the choices I choose that make me happy. But I realize that I need to stay diligent in my quest for happiness and diligent in my desire for this, finding of me. What I want matters.
Another SR Truth says "Remember how good it feels to be home and protect it FIERCELY!" That last word is what jumps out at me.
The Dictionary says:
`Extremely intense or ardent: fierce loyalty. See Synonyms at intense.
~Strenuously active or resolute: a fierce attempt to escape.
It also says it could be this:
~Very difficult or unpleasant-A fierce exam
~fiercely - in an emotionally fierce manner
I think protecting your Soul House all of those apply. FIERCE!
I am becoming me again. I know what I want. I know what I won't settle for. I will NOT compromise on that. My Soul House, my Home is restoring and I like how it feels. I like that it feels good to be happy and elated and joyful. I like the friends I have and I like hanging out with them. I like the happiness that improving myself is bringing. I don't want to go back to being a roller coaster of emotions and the people in my life don't want me there, they just aren't sure of this person. This person scares them. This person is strong and confident and secure. This person, scares the heck out of them. I get that. I do I really do. When others see you improving yourself, it scares them. I am not sure if it is because they see the insecurities in them self or if they just are not ready to move with you. And if they aren't moving with you, then you are moving on. That, that is what I think scares them the most. That you might move on without them....
Lastly,
I want to leave you all with this amazing Ted Talk that was shared by another Brave Girl. And ask that you take the time to watch and listen to what she has to say...
First off I would like say a few things about what I am going through. This process has not been easy for me, but I know it has been worth it.I am most certainly learning about myself and learning how to deal with my past and how to release it where I need to and embrace it where I need to. I have cried many tears and I know I will cry more. Tears are healing so i am ok with that.
Second, While going through process I truly do believe that I am softening. Which I think is a very good thing for me. I am so strong and tough feel like I have to be so strong all the time to be there for others, to deal with my life, to be there for my children, to be there to hold up the world. Brave Girls has taught me that it's ok, I don't need to hold up the world. I can rest, I can relax, I can just be me. We are learning this week to Embrace our Weak parts and join hands with our Strong Parts. I am excited about that, and will talk more on that in another blog when I load my project up. But I am excited I will say for this project because I think learning to Embrace the Weaker parts of ourselves allows us to accept ourselves more.
Third, being me. I have worried so much in my business life what others are doing and what others are saying and where others are in the business that I have not just allowed myself to be me. I took a step back in my Time Line at when I was successful and what that meant. A SR Truth I saw says "It is time for you to come up with your own definitions of happiness and success." So I looked back and looked forward to do just that.
I realized that a good part of that entailed me being myself and being what I like to be. If I want to wear hot pink nail polish then so be it. If I want to wear colored bangles, then I will! I need to stop worrying about the fact that it is "unprofessional" or not "normal". As my good friend KSM says on her blog, "Normal is a setting on a dryer" and I love that! I have worried so long about not only pleasing the business people in my life, but also pleasing the men in my life. My ex spouse hated my hair in barrettes and headbands, so I didn't wear them. How dumb is that? Just because he didn't like them. Other men have said they didn't like the way I dressed too cute or acted too silly, talked too much or was too cheery. Some thought I dressed to risque. Then there was who I was spending my time with, who I was talking to and who I was hanging out with. Again, trying to please someone else I have allowed friends to go by the wayside and lose good friends who cared about me and were a support to me. Then there was what I ate and/or drank to make them happy. All in all, I have realized I am spending far too much time appeasing and pleasing others and not me. I am not choosing my happiness.Why?
Well, I used to say "the consequence was too high." To me that meant that I knew it was going to be a battle or a confrontation and I just didn't want to deal with it. So instead of standing up for these things, or standing up for me, I gave in. I settled, I conceded, I compromised. It was too tiring to fight against an abusive husband or struggle with a indecisive boyfriend . It was too frustrating to fight for my needs and wants when constantly being told that desiring, wanting and yearning for those needs are Selfish, Bratty, Spoiled and Unwarranted. Even if I felt like that judgment was wrong that I had a right to want those things, that I had a right to ask for happiness, that I had a right to ask to be put first, or that I had a right to want more out of life.
But a little here and there I would gather strength or courage to do so and of course the usual comeback of "I don't know who you are" or "I can't talk to you anymore" usually follows. When discussing this within the safety of the forum it was brought to my attention that this could be a form of sabotage and I nearly fell on the floor when I heard it.
Why you ask? Because in 2006 when I cleaned my plate of those other destructive people in my life, I heard the same thing. Instead of supporting me and uplifting me and embracing this with me, I get to feeling that - sabotaged.
I am vulnerable right now and allowing ourselves to stay that way is not easy. Embracing that is hard. When we are weak, and trying so very hard to strengthen ourselves, this is when we need those supporting us. I like to think of that picture of the guys all trying to raise the flag at Iwo Jima...they are all there to help and support each other to get it there.
I need that right now. Others may not agree with my choices. Others may not like the clothes I wear, or the friends I hang out with. They may not like the choices I choose that make me happy. But I realize that I need to stay diligent in my quest for happiness and diligent in my desire for this, finding of me. What I want matters.
Another SR Truth says "Remember how good it feels to be home and protect it FIERCELY!" That last word is what jumps out at me.
The Dictionary says:
`Extremely intense or ardent: fierce loyalty. See Synonyms at intense.
~Strenuously active or resolute: a fierce attempt to escape.
It also says it could be this:
~Very difficult or unpleasant-A fierce exam
~fiercely - in an emotionally fierce manner
I think protecting your Soul House all of those apply. FIERCE!
I am becoming me again. I know what I want. I know what I won't settle for. I will NOT compromise on that. My Soul House, my Home is restoring and I like how it feels. I like that it feels good to be happy and elated and joyful. I like the friends I have and I like hanging out with them. I like the happiness that improving myself is bringing. I don't want to go back to being a roller coaster of emotions and the people in my life don't want me there, they just aren't sure of this person. This person scares them. This person is strong and confident and secure. This person, scares the heck out of them. I get that. I do I really do. When others see you improving yourself, it scares them. I am not sure if it is because they see the insecurities in them self or if they just are not ready to move with you. And if they aren't moving with you, then you are moving on. That, that is what I think scares them the most. That you might move on without them....
Lastly,
I want to leave you all with this amazing Ted Talk that was shared by another Brave Girl. And ask that you take the time to watch and listen to what she has to say...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Busy Truth Card Day
I had all these Truths I had cut out and I keep changing on where I want them. First in the bag, then I had them posted on my wall and door and then I decided to put them in a book and the rest on Truth Cards. So I went to town and got busy on my Truth Cards yesterday. Here are the images and what they say. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did creating them.
So this is my Large Truth Teller Board I decided to take the full sheet Melody gave us and paste it onto a board. It is the Truth Teller Attributes. It makes me think not only of my TT, but of how I should believe in myself and also these are the attributes I would like in my partner. Melody reminds us that people cannot never amount to ALL of these, but it sure would be nice if the person in my life was pretty close.
"Everything is going to work out sweet girl." and "Let yourself be treated, have some treats and enjoy every second of it!"
"Are you ready for this? Be Brave! You can do whatever you set your mind to!" and "You have Courage to do this...dig deep! It will be worth it!"
"Sometimes we must shut our eyes in order to see"
"The Truth is the Truth is the Truth"
"You future starts right now. Pack Light, leave everything unnecessary behind."
"Create the life that your heart yearns for!"
I call this one my Dream card:
"It's absolutely, positively ok to dream the impossible dreams - it's the only way to get to where your heart really wants to go." and "Be kind to your dreams" and "It's time to share your secret dream, dear girl, you will be 100% supported and miracles will happen!"
How many times do I hear I am dreaming or that I am living in la la land. Well, if there weren't dreamers, we wouldn't need builders to build them right? This was a good affirmation for me that it is ok for me to have those impossible dreams about life and especially about Love. Ok, so I want a Fairytale. ok so I want Love in a Movie. It's ok, this says so. I am allowed to have those impossible dreams. I know what my heart wants. Anything less is settling. You want to be in my Dream World, you have to allow yourself to dream like I do, live like you are in the dream and beleive the dream. You have to beleive that you can jump skyscrapers in a single bound. You have to beleive that you are powerful and yoru words mean something.You have to beleive in these dreams. You have to beleive in yourself. You have to believe you have Self Worth. you have to beleive you are Worth it. you have to beleive you Deserve happiness too! You have to believe in a future that is moving forward not staying still. You have to beleive in your Talents. You have to beleive in you.
You can't keep hanging onto the outside world, your past and things that are holding you back. It's time to let go. What you chose to Let Go of is up to you....
"Believe in miracles." and "I beleive in you and so does everyone who truly knows you."
Some people want Joy in their life, others want Compromise, me I just want someone to Believe in Me again. I believe in me but this card is helpful to me because I feel like with the things that have happened in my life with men, the men in my life don't believe in me anymore. My friends don't beleive in me. Everyone thinks I will run here or there or run off.
let's start here, Believe in me that I am doing this for me. That I am doing the best I can. that I am here now no matter what that means. Believe that no matter what the outcome of my life, i am doing it for me because in the end it doesn't matter if you do or don't beleive in me. It would be nice, but I can not be responsible for what all of you think anymore. I didn't have to before, but I didn't know that. one of those things I just didn't know and no one told me was ok. I don't NEED anyone to Believe in me. It would be nice. I sure would like it. I would like to be trusted. I would like someone to have a little faith in me. But, in the end, what really matters and I am gaining the strength to figure out...is I don't need you to Believe in me...
I NEED TO BELIEVE IN ME!
I am starting to again. Little by little. I would not say I am fully there yet, but I am getting there. As Melody says and I keep repeating..."my wings are stating to unfold...can you feel it? Yes Melody, yes I can feel it...
"Playing is as important as eating, sleeping, breathing - you must make time to play"
This one spoke to me as well, because of my issues with eating and also the fact that I rarely sleep. Through most of this I have been up til 4 am working on things or writing in my journal. I have really delved in and this was a good reminder for me to PLAY
"Pain is often a gift...look for the gifts wrapped inside it."
This one were some truths I just had to GET DOWN SOMEWHERE!! So there are a few on here but I thought I would make it pretty.
"No one will ever completely understand your pain, my sweet friend, but you can heal your pain by trying to understand and comfort the pain of others...it is such a miracle."
"In all the world, there's not a girl exactly like you - there never has been and there never will be."
"You will do tremendous things - things that no one else could ever do - because there is no one in the world exactly like you.
"You make an enormous difference, the world would not be as luminous and beautiful without you here."
"You make the world a better place"
"You have a profound effect on others, gorgeous girl, don't ever forget it."
"You are so much more beautiful than you think you are...you are perfect inside and out."
Truth Teller Attributes:
My Truth Teller loves me without strings attached
My Truth Teller is someone I trust and beleive
My Truth Teller has my very best interest at heart
My Truth Teller would never hurt me in any way
My Truth Teller will always lead me to right places
My Truth Teller helps my heart feel at peace
My Truth Teller knows my strengths
My Truth Teller knows my weaknesses
My Truth Teller knows my talents
My Truth Teller my biggest hurts
My Truth Teller what my feelings are deep in my heart
My Truth Teller knows my regrets
My Truth Teller knows my desires
My Truth Teller knows my fears
My Truth Teller knows what I lived have through
My Truth Teller knows what I want most out of life
My Truth Teller knows about my mistakes and loves me regardless
My Truth Teller is willing to tell me when i am astray
My Truth Teller is gentle and kind when redirecting my course
My Truth Teller lets me make my own choices, but wants me to make the best choices
My Truth Teller will not interfere in my life, is always there to help when asked
My Truth Teller knows what is best for me
My Truth Teller has infinite wisdom that I don't quite have yet
My Truth Teller wants to help
My Truth Teller will always tell me the truth
So this is my Large Truth Teller Board I decided to take the full sheet Melody gave us and paste it onto a board. It is the Truth Teller Attributes. It makes me think not only of my TT, but of how I should believe in myself and also these are the attributes I would like in my partner. Melody reminds us that people cannot never amount to ALL of these, but it sure would be nice if the person in my life was pretty close.
"Everything is going to work out sweet girl." and "Let yourself be treated, have some treats and enjoy every second of it!"
"Are you ready for this? Be Brave! You can do whatever you set your mind to!" and "You have Courage to do this...dig deep! It will be worth it!"
"Sometimes we must shut our eyes in order to see"
"The Truth is the Truth is the Truth"
"You future starts right now. Pack Light, leave everything unnecessary behind."
"Create the life that your heart yearns for!"
I call this one my Dream card:
"It's absolutely, positively ok to dream the impossible dreams - it's the only way to get to where your heart really wants to go." and "Be kind to your dreams" and "It's time to share your secret dream, dear girl, you will be 100% supported and miracles will happen!"
How many times do I hear I am dreaming or that I am living in la la land. Well, if there weren't dreamers, we wouldn't need builders to build them right? This was a good affirmation for me that it is ok for me to have those impossible dreams about life and especially about Love. Ok, so I want a Fairytale. ok so I want Love in a Movie. It's ok, this says so. I am allowed to have those impossible dreams. I know what my heart wants. Anything less is settling. You want to be in my Dream World, you have to allow yourself to dream like I do, live like you are in the dream and beleive the dream. You have to beleive that you can jump skyscrapers in a single bound. You have to beleive that you are powerful and yoru words mean something.You have to beleive in these dreams. You have to beleive in yourself. You have to believe you have Self Worth. you have to beleive you are Worth it. you have to beleive you Deserve happiness too! You have to believe in a future that is moving forward not staying still. You have to beleive in your Talents. You have to beleive in you.
You can't keep hanging onto the outside world, your past and things that are holding you back. It's time to let go. What you chose to Let Go of is up to you....
"Believe in miracles." and "I beleive in you and so does everyone who truly knows you."
Some people want Joy in their life, others want Compromise, me I just want someone to Believe in Me again. I believe in me but this card is helpful to me because I feel like with the things that have happened in my life with men, the men in my life don't believe in me anymore. My friends don't beleive in me. Everyone thinks I will run here or there or run off.
let's start here, Believe in me that I am doing this for me. That I am doing the best I can. that I am here now no matter what that means. Believe that no matter what the outcome of my life, i am doing it for me because in the end it doesn't matter if you do or don't beleive in me. It would be nice, but I can not be responsible for what all of you think anymore. I didn't have to before, but I didn't know that. one of those things I just didn't know and no one told me was ok. I don't NEED anyone to Believe in me. It would be nice. I sure would like it. I would like to be trusted. I would like someone to have a little faith in me. But, in the end, what really matters and I am gaining the strength to figure out...is I don't need you to Believe in me...
I NEED TO BELIEVE IN ME!
I am starting to again. Little by little. I would not say I am fully there yet, but I am getting there. As Melody says and I keep repeating..."my wings are stating to unfold...can you feel it? Yes Melody, yes I can feel it...
"Playing is as important as eating, sleeping, breathing - you must make time to play"
This one spoke to me as well, because of my issues with eating and also the fact that I rarely sleep. Through most of this I have been up til 4 am working on things or writing in my journal. I have really delved in and this was a good reminder for me to PLAY
"Pain is often a gift...look for the gifts wrapped inside it."
This one were some truths I just had to GET DOWN SOMEWHERE!! So there are a few on here but I thought I would make it pretty.
"No one will ever completely understand your pain, my sweet friend, but you can heal your pain by trying to understand and comfort the pain of others...it is such a miracle."
"In all the world, there's not a girl exactly like you - there never has been and there never will be."
"You will do tremendous things - things that no one else could ever do - because there is no one in the world exactly like you.
"You make an enormous difference, the world would not be as luminous and beautiful without you here."
"You make the world a better place"
"You have a profound effect on others, gorgeous girl, don't ever forget it."
"You are so much more beautiful than you think you are...you are perfect inside and out."
Truth Teller Attributes:
My Truth Teller loves me without strings attached
My Truth Teller is someone I trust and beleive
My Truth Teller has my very best interest at heart
My Truth Teller would never hurt me in any way
My Truth Teller will always lead me to right places
My Truth Teller helps my heart feel at peace
My Truth Teller knows my strengths
My Truth Teller knows my weaknesses
My Truth Teller knows my talents
My Truth Teller my biggest hurts
My Truth Teller what my feelings are deep in my heart
My Truth Teller knows my regrets
My Truth Teller knows my desires
My Truth Teller knows my fears
My Truth Teller knows what I lived have through
My Truth Teller knows what I want most out of life
My Truth Teller knows about my mistakes and loves me regardless
My Truth Teller is willing to tell me when i am astray
My Truth Teller is gentle and kind when redirecting my course
My Truth Teller lets me make my own choices, but wants me to make the best choices
My Truth Teller will not interfere in my life, is always there to help when asked
My Truth Teller knows what is best for me
My Truth Teller has infinite wisdom that I don't quite have yet
My Truth Teller wants to help
My Truth Teller will always tell me the truth
Monday, January 24, 2011
♥ of gold
♥ of gold so lucky is the man that can make it SHINE :)
That's what my friend posted me today. I hear so many times, I SHINE, I Sparkle, I Shimmer. As I said this to her. Through this excavation of Soul Restoration I am learning little by little and coming into an understanding of my own that perhaps it is not "lucky is the man that can make it SHINE :)" but as I told her
"Lucky is the one who gets to bask in my SHINE"
I am a Beautiful Soul. I am no longer afraid to say I deserve the best. Others may not understand, but that is not my concern. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be put first. I deserve to not have to settle. I am worthy of love and deserve it.
I deserve to SHINE!
I remember the day when others were drawn to me. I mean they are now, but when others were really drawn to me. I have been cerebrating this and really giving it thought. I was thinking about what was going on in my life and what made me SHINE more then, than now? What made others desire to be near the SHINE?
1-I was following Christ
2-I was standing up for me
3-I was grounded
These things above made me stable and confident and high on life that I didn't need alcohol, other substances, men or other issues to make me feel whole. I was whole because of me. I did not need others approval, acceptance, or attention. I said NEED, but if I got it, hey that's great. Thanks for that.
If you were not okay with my decisions then so be it. Sorry, but that was just how I was. I love life and I savor it, but I have not been devouring it as I used to. Little by little my wings are unfolding though and I am starting to see me again. I am not living for what the men in my life want. I am sorry that they are not happy with my choices or decisions, but this is what I need and what I want and what is right for me.
The other thing is my counselor always asks me "when were you the most happiest?" so I keep pondering that one too. WWSS always culminates in my mind. Her initials start with S so it What Would S________ Say?!? I think back to that often through this process. When WAS I the most happiest? I am searching for the answers to that question through this process. along with "What is best for me?"
How I come out of this, I do not know. All I know is how I feel now. I feel like I am still wobbling a bit, but each week, I am standing a little stronger. Each week, my faith gets built higher. Each week my confidence comes back. I already have a strong sense of where I will be and how I will be in the end and it may not be what others want of me, but again, THAT is not my concern. what "I" want for me and what "I" think is best for me is the ultimate outcome.
In the Road to Recovery session I attended at Stonebridge last night after church that woman who shared her story touched me because my life emulated hers so much it scared me. The outcome was that she was putting Men in her life instead of God. Co-Dependant issues. Never thought of myself as being this way, but it gave me new light to think of.
I know I need to start being ok with being alone again. I need to be ok with me first before I can be ok with anyone else. Step by step I am doing that. She also mentioned how going to Recovery she had a hard time at first but each time she "Suited up and Showed Up" and I thought as I lied in bed today at 11am, which for those who know me is horribly sleeping in for me, that I need to do the same. So I pulled away from my comfort blanket, put on my Soul Strength playlist and got ready for the day, makeup etc even if I was going to be working from home.
The Road to Restoration and Recovery is not easy...but I know it will be worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drsMyeXzLSo Heart of Gold Jhonny Cash
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Reinforcements
Every week we get these lists of truths that we are to use, cut out and make cards or use in our projects. I like to cut them all out and pull out the ones that speak to me and use those first. But what about the ones that don't jump out at me? Well, at first I was putting them in my little Brighton bag and then from time to time I would pull them out. But then I was seeing they still didn't speak to me and then the ones I needed to see, I was not seeing. I looked through my unused books and found this blank journal from a Matthew West concert I went to recently. I haven't done the front yet, but I will so I took a picture of what it looks like now. then what I did is I am going to collage the pages together on the inside and I have started putting the unused truths down on the blank pages. Then as I see them I can write a little note on them if I want or I can cut them out if I really want them for another project. These will be great reinforcements for me later on.
I also decided to go around downtown Omaha this weekend and take a look around just to get out of the house and I found some kewl Bumper stickers that were on sale that jumped out to me that I can also use for reinforcements. I thought I would snap a couple shots of them as well. Once I got home I promptly stuck them on my wall and closet door where my other Truths are that I plan on using and NEED to see!
I also decided to go around downtown Omaha this weekend and take a look around just to get out of the house and I found some kewl Bumper stickers that were on sale that jumped out to me that I can also use for reinforcements. I thought I would snap a couple shots of them as well. Once I got home I promptly stuck them on my wall and closet door where my other Truths are that I plan on using and NEED to see!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Timeline pictures
Remember I am working on the Time Line...here are the pictures. I decided to post them, but the meanings of the pictures and colors are for me and my understanding. I feel it would be too personal to share. If you really want to know ask me privately and I might share, but not on an open blog. I will only say one thing about them, the black strips are when hard things or very negative impacted or happened to me in my view. The buttons are the happy, good momentous things.
Again, I did realize by looking at this things did not consume me as I thought they did. There were times in my life I thought lasted forever and they did not. There were times I thought were horrible, but when choosing to put a black strip down or not, I decided it perhaps did not warrant that, or I would say, it wasn't THAT bad.
Side one goes until 40 years, the other goes until 80 years. Another realization is I am a year away from being on the "flipside" as some of the BG calls it. Which is and isn't scary at the same time.
The Purple Ribbon was given to me by my current roomie S. I thought of my friend M when I saw it and M said use it for something great and I decided to use it here to symbolize closure as well as to me this is a remembrance for all the friends in my time Line of life who helped me wrap up my life. :)
Also, as I was taking my pictures I took a few in various spots in my room and I ended this blog with my Time Line being on my Pink Fuzzy Bwankie, call it, that was given to me this year as a gift. It is the most special to me for many reasons. Mostly right now because when I think to"Go where the peace is" this pink fuzzy bwankie comforts me and allows me that and so I could not have thought of a better place to close this post then my Time Line on my Comfort Blankie...Putting my Time line...where the peace is :)
Again, I did realize by looking at this things did not consume me as I thought they did. There were times in my life I thought lasted forever and they did not. There were times I thought were horrible, but when choosing to put a black strip down or not, I decided it perhaps did not warrant that, or I would say, it wasn't THAT bad.
Side one goes until 40 years, the other goes until 80 years. Another realization is I am a year away from being on the "flipside" as some of the BG calls it. Which is and isn't scary at the same time.
The Purple Ribbon was given to me by my current roomie S. I thought of my friend M when I saw it and M said use it for something great and I decided to use it here to symbolize closure as well as to me this is a remembrance for all the friends in my time Line of life who helped me wrap up my life. :)
Also, as I was taking my pictures I took a few in various spots in my room and I ended this blog with my Time Line being on my Pink Fuzzy Bwankie, call it, that was given to me this year as a gift. It is the most special to me for many reasons. Mostly right now because when I think to"Go where the peace is" this pink fuzzy bwankie comforts me and allows me that and so I could not have thought of a better place to close this post then my Time Line on my Comfort Blankie...Putting my Time line...where the peace is :)
Your Heart
I was on another blog and found this song and it reached out to me...then on searching for my You Tube songs I saw this video of a little girl swirling and dancing and just enjoying the song. This is also the very first song that plays now in my blog...Melody has been saying lately to remember what life was like before the pain, when we were little girls. go where the peace is and go to that point. I looked at my time line and things were calm before I was 7 years old. After that,drama.
I thought about what I liked to do and how I liked to live then? I thought about when do I feel most free now and most like myself? When do I feel most alive? usually when I am allowing myself to be like that, not caring what people think. one of my favorite characters in Friends is Phoebe. This one episode where Rachel is so controlled by running and Phoebe is trying to show her how to just be free...I have the clip here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfaztVg4kaA
Just enjoy life and have fun is what they are trying to say. I skip when I am walking down the sidewalk, I slide across hardwood floors, I dance whether people are looking or not, I sing even if no one wants me too, I laugh in the middle of fights, I like to wear hair barrette and bandannas, long flowing skirts,I like lip gloss and shiny things, I love Tinkerbell and I'm 40!! I mean come on! :) That's allowing my youth to be there.
But I have found through this process that along the way, I allowed the scars to give me momentary hiccups so to speak, and bring me down. I think that is life, yes, but in certain times I have allowed it to consume me. That is not healthy. I have also allowed people to keep me from being free. So, I am going to work on that and I am taking steps toward that goal every day I am in this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYlgvb5sI2Q
Mindy Gledhill All About Your heart
I dont mind your odd behavior
Its the very thing I love
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite one
My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may go
Oh, Ive loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
Its not about your scars
Its all about your heart
Youre a butterfly held captive (I love that part)
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds
Chorus
Like a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me if I cannot have you
Chorus
I thought about what I liked to do and how I liked to live then? I thought about when do I feel most free now and most like myself? When do I feel most alive? usually when I am allowing myself to be like that, not caring what people think. one of my favorite characters in Friends is Phoebe. This one episode where Rachel is so controlled by running and Phoebe is trying to show her how to just be free...I have the clip here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfaztVg4kaA
Just enjoy life and have fun is what they are trying to say. I skip when I am walking down the sidewalk, I slide across hardwood floors, I dance whether people are looking or not, I sing even if no one wants me too, I laugh in the middle of fights, I like to wear hair barrette and bandannas, long flowing skirts,I like lip gloss and shiny things, I love Tinkerbell and I'm 40!! I mean come on! :) That's allowing my youth to be there.
But I have found through this process that along the way, I allowed the scars to give me momentary hiccups so to speak, and bring me down. I think that is life, yes, but in certain times I have allowed it to consume me. That is not healthy. I have also allowed people to keep me from being free. So, I am going to work on that and I am taking steps toward that goal every day I am in this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYlgvb5sI2Q
Mindy Gledhill All About Your heart
I dont mind your odd behavior
Its the very thing I love
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite one
My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may go
Oh, Ive loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
Its not about your scars
Its all about your heart
Youre a butterfly held captive (I love that part)
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds
Chorus
Like a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me if I cannot have you
Chorus
Thursday, January 20, 2011
~~♥ What if my purpose was to help you see the joy in life?♥ ~~
I wrote this on my Facebook. I got the idea from a truth. The Truth was actually
What if your purpose was to Enjoy life? So I changed it up a bit to
~~♥ What if my purpose was to help you see the joy in life?♥ ~~
...but it made me think about and then after pondering it I thought about why I am here on this earth. I thought about the wonderful gifts that God has granted me. I have a beautiful voice and can sing alto, second soprano and first soprano. I have two legs and the ability to dance an amazing Ballet if I wanted to since I took Pointe Ballet or a fun modern dance if I want to. I can turn and twist and model myself just so from years of Modeling. I was an Ugly Duckling that turned into a Swan. All I have learned how to use it through training my mother allowed me to have through her sacrifices and all I was also given I believe through a gracious gift from God. I beleive God gave it to me, and I learned the knowledge how to best use it.
As I said this training came with great sacrifice. if my father had not dies would I have had this life? Once that happened my mother sacrificed so I could have these things for me. Perhaps she wondered why she had to go through those experiences unknowing she was helping create a "Me".
Oh, how lucky I am to have these things that have happened in my life that have molded and shaped me and made me who I am today. They gave me Empathy to understand the one who also does not have their children, the one who has also been abused, the one who has also suffered, the one who has also been broken. It built my Strength and made me stronger to be able to endure the things that come into my life no matter what they may be.It gave me Courage to be able speak out when needed against those who oppress me and it made me Fearless to be able to rush into the Ring even knowing I only have a tiny rock in a bag but I have God on my side and whether it be a Giant in there or a Lion in the Den, I will be ok!
Why? Because when I come out I am SHINING! I am VICTORIOUS! My sword is held high to the air! I am skipping to the tune of my own music. I am smiling from ear to ear because I made it through! I did it before and I will do it again! You will too! This brings me Joy and this...this gift of JOY..God gave me this to give to you! I truly beleive it, I DO! He said to me in heaven before the veil was closed to me, and I think it might have gone like this,
"Patricia, I need you take Joy to my people. I need you to help them see that through their trials and hurt and pain they will be ok and can still have Joy. I am giving you the Gift of Joy to take to them and am granting you AMAZING JOY, but with this Gift you will also have heartache, loneliness, pain, continual trials, suffering, lose your children, have hard marriages, abuse, offense, lose your jobs often, suffer financially, lose your business, have to start over, go through a couple of marriages, often feel out of place not connecting with others because you will move often, and pain at times it will seem so unbearable...but if you endure I will give you the most Amazing Happiness you have ever known and you will always be able to find Joy so that you can share it with others. Will you accept this Gift?"
Of course, I said yes. ♥
Sometimes we don't see it. It is especially hard to see it when we are in it. When at the base of the hurricane it is hard to see outside of it. but there is JOY out there. I would be more than honored to help you find it. If my smile, my dancing silly, my modeling, my singing, my speaking French, my you Tube videos, if my words, if my presence in this world in any way brings you Joy, if my trials and the things I have gone through can help you through...I would answer YES to that question...
...every..♥
..single..♥
...day...♥
God put me here on earth for a reason....
~~♥ What if my purpose was to help you see the joy in life?♥ ~~
What if your purpose was to Enjoy life? So I changed it up a bit to
~~♥ What if my purpose was to help you see the joy in life?♥ ~~
...but it made me think about and then after pondering it I thought about why I am here on this earth. I thought about the wonderful gifts that God has granted me. I have a beautiful voice and can sing alto, second soprano and first soprano. I have two legs and the ability to dance an amazing Ballet if I wanted to since I took Pointe Ballet or a fun modern dance if I want to. I can turn and twist and model myself just so from years of Modeling. I was an Ugly Duckling that turned into a Swan. All I have learned how to use it through training my mother allowed me to have through her sacrifices and all I was also given I believe through a gracious gift from God. I beleive God gave it to me, and I learned the knowledge how to best use it.
As I said this training came with great sacrifice. if my father had not dies would I have had this life? Once that happened my mother sacrificed so I could have these things for me. Perhaps she wondered why she had to go through those experiences unknowing she was helping create a "Me".
Oh, how lucky I am to have these things that have happened in my life that have molded and shaped me and made me who I am today. They gave me Empathy to understand the one who also does not have their children, the one who has also been abused, the one who has also suffered, the one who has also been broken. It built my Strength and made me stronger to be able to endure the things that come into my life no matter what they may be.It gave me Courage to be able speak out when needed against those who oppress me and it made me Fearless to be able to rush into the Ring even knowing I only have a tiny rock in a bag but I have God on my side and whether it be a Giant in there or a Lion in the Den, I will be ok!
Why? Because when I come out I am SHINING! I am VICTORIOUS! My sword is held high to the air! I am skipping to the tune of my own music. I am smiling from ear to ear because I made it through! I did it before and I will do it again! You will too! This brings me Joy and this...this gift of JOY..God gave me this to give to you! I truly beleive it, I DO! He said to me in heaven before the veil was closed to me, and I think it might have gone like this,
"Patricia, I need you take Joy to my people. I need you to help them see that through their trials and hurt and pain they will be ok and can still have Joy. I am giving you the Gift of Joy to take to them and am granting you AMAZING JOY, but with this Gift you will also have heartache, loneliness, pain, continual trials, suffering, lose your children, have hard marriages, abuse, offense, lose your jobs often, suffer financially, lose your business, have to start over, go through a couple of marriages, often feel out of place not connecting with others because you will move often, and pain at times it will seem so unbearable...but if you endure I will give you the most Amazing Happiness you have ever known and you will always be able to find Joy so that you can share it with others. Will you accept this Gift?"
Of course, I said yes. ♥
Sometimes we don't see it. It is especially hard to see it when we are in it. When at the base of the hurricane it is hard to see outside of it. but there is JOY out there. I would be more than honored to help you find it. If my smile, my dancing silly, my modeling, my singing, my speaking French, my you Tube videos, if my words, if my presence in this world in any way brings you Joy, if my trials and the things I have gone through can help you through...I would answer YES to that question...
...every..♥
..single..♥
...day...♥
God put me here on earth for a reason....
~~♥ What if my purpose was to help you see the joy in life?♥ ~~
Playlists
I learned about www.playlist.com this week by going to some of my friends blogs. I love it so I made me own. I hope you enjoy the one I added to the site. I also heard about www.slacker.com by my friend. I guess it is another one. Music during this process has really helped soothe my soul. It has brought me down as well though.
We in our misery play those sad songs that make us cry about our past. Past relationships, past hurts, past issues or the troubles that are currently going on and the pain associated with it or where we think it might be headed and the pain it even MIGHT inflict.
Music can be healing but it also can be hurting.
So for the ones reading this those going through SR with me and those not, let me share something with you that perhaps you will continually hear that has kept me at balance. Melody has shared with and keeps saying "Go where the peace is". So please remember that is you are listening to those songs only to bring yourself back to the pain, it is NOT where the peace is. If you are listening to those songs just to inflict hurt on yourself because you think THAT is what you deserve you are wrong, you deserve happiness and that again is NOT where the peace is.
So to reiterate again what Melody said "Go where the Peace is"..That is what I hoped to do with my new play list I put on the site. Put my mind at peace with the music and bring Peace to you who are here listening.
If you don't like music that plays while you are reading just hit the stop button.
We in our misery play those sad songs that make us cry about our past. Past relationships, past hurts, past issues or the troubles that are currently going on and the pain associated with it or where we think it might be headed and the pain it even MIGHT inflict.
Music can be healing but it also can be hurting.
So for the ones reading this those going through SR with me and those not, let me share something with you that perhaps you will continually hear that has kept me at balance. Melody has shared with and keeps saying "Go where the peace is". So please remember that is you are listening to those songs only to bring yourself back to the pain, it is NOT where the peace is. If you are listening to those songs just to inflict hurt on yourself because you think THAT is what you deserve you are wrong, you deserve happiness and that again is NOT where the peace is.
So to reiterate again what Melody said "Go where the Peace is"..That is what I hoped to do with my new play list I put on the site. Put my mind at peace with the music and bring Peace to you who are here listening.
If you don't like music that plays while you are reading just hit the stop button.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Timelines-SR-Week Two
This week we are working on our time lines of our lives. Everyone approaches this differently. Some color and shade them. Some use strips of paper, some use paint. I will take a picture later when done, but I will tell you if you can try and get a visual for now. I already have color card stock so mostly my Time line is Dark Turquoise.
Then for the negative events that happened in my life I found this skull black pattern card stock I had and laid that down. Then for happy events I used buttons. Then posted some pictures down and laid the time line down on front and back. I just printed some stuff off today to finish and will work on it tonight some more.
Even though I am not finished yet, I noticed something right off. Something other women said they noticed in the video.That there are many times that when we think, just THINK about these things in our life we feel like they took over our life and that they were forever. But once down on the time line, we can see that visual and see that those events did NOT CONSUME us.
That they may have felt like 5 years or 10 years but maybe they were one year. Oddly looking back at my time with my second ex, though I felt things were hard with him, there wasn't anything I felt warranted putting a black strip on it. now, I may color it with a bit of gray, but it wasn't traumatic like other events in my life. Seeing that really made a difference to me in how I viewed things in my life already.
I of course, still need to do the journaling and this week is harder than most. I didn't even want to touch it last night. I read the prompts, cried. Cut out the truths, cried. Did the time line, cried.
One of the Truths actually said "It's ok to rest" and I thought, No it's NOT. I have to be the one to work, I have to take care of my kids, I have to hold up my friends, I have to make a difference, I have to help others, I have to do my website, I have to work on the projects, I have to do all these things, I have to be the best, I have to be there, I have to do it, if I don't do it, who will do it, no one is going to be there to take care of me, I can't rest, I just can't!!"
And then I re-read it, "It's ok to rest." And I remember Melody telling us to Trust our Truth Teller and my Truth Teller was telling me to rest, that it would be ok. And, in true fashion of this journey, I lost it and started crying. But, it's ok. Melody said crying is part of the journey and I know that is true. It is healing. We are letting the pain and the lies go this way. We are replacing them with truths.
My lie was that I had to do and could NOT rest. The truth was that it was ok to rest. So, I decided to take that truth to heart. I took a break and rested. I made some calls. I had a snack. I watched a little Hulu and I rested.
Tonight, I decided to go through my little Brighton bag of truths again because I thought about the fact that though some of the truths didn't speak to me at the beginning of the journey, as time goes on they may and I should get them out once in awhile and re-look at them. I am glad I did because a few NEW truths did jump out at me.
"You are not too damaged to become whole and new again. You will be whole"
"Try not to blame, accuse or shame others, and especially do not do this to yourself. Be kind and gentle."
Both are meaningful to me because I have thought I was too damaged for anyone to love. That is a lie in my journal, a fear. Replacing it with a truth is a good thing.
The second is good because I have for so long blamed myself for my kids, blamed myself for putting myself in bad situations, felt ashamed for things that have happened in my life or those around me. I often and am kind and gentle to others,but am I kind and gentle to me? It made me think about that. Really think...ya know?
Week Two is going to be tough, I can tell. Melody begged us not to Quit, so I KNOW that means it's going to be hard! :) But through this process the thing that keeps, continually jumping out to me is the story of the Refiner's Fire.
One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week this woman called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot--then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.
She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you.
Then for the negative events that happened in my life I found this skull black pattern card stock I had and laid that down. Then for happy events I used buttons. Then posted some pictures down and laid the time line down on front and back. I just printed some stuff off today to finish and will work on it tonight some more.
Even though I am not finished yet, I noticed something right off. Something other women said they noticed in the video.That there are many times that when we think, just THINK about these things in our life we feel like they took over our life and that they were forever. But once down on the time line, we can see that visual and see that those events did NOT CONSUME us.
That they may have felt like 5 years or 10 years but maybe they were one year. Oddly looking back at my time with my second ex, though I felt things were hard with him, there wasn't anything I felt warranted putting a black strip on it. now, I may color it with a bit of gray, but it wasn't traumatic like other events in my life. Seeing that really made a difference to me in how I viewed things in my life already.
I of course, still need to do the journaling and this week is harder than most. I didn't even want to touch it last night. I read the prompts, cried. Cut out the truths, cried. Did the time line, cried.
One of the Truths actually said "It's ok to rest" and I thought, No it's NOT. I have to be the one to work, I have to take care of my kids, I have to hold up my friends, I have to make a difference, I have to help others, I have to do my website, I have to work on the projects, I have to do all these things, I have to be the best, I have to be there, I have to do it, if I don't do it, who will do it, no one is going to be there to take care of me, I can't rest, I just can't!!"
And then I re-read it, "It's ok to rest." And I remember Melody telling us to Trust our Truth Teller and my Truth Teller was telling me to rest, that it would be ok. And, in true fashion of this journey, I lost it and started crying. But, it's ok. Melody said crying is part of the journey and I know that is true. It is healing. We are letting the pain and the lies go this way. We are replacing them with truths.
My lie was that I had to do and could NOT rest. The truth was that it was ok to rest. So, I decided to take that truth to heart. I took a break and rested. I made some calls. I had a snack. I watched a little Hulu and I rested.
Tonight, I decided to go through my little Brighton bag of truths again because I thought about the fact that though some of the truths didn't speak to me at the beginning of the journey, as time goes on they may and I should get them out once in awhile and re-look at them. I am glad I did because a few NEW truths did jump out at me.
"You are not too damaged to become whole and new again. You will be whole"
"Try not to blame, accuse or shame others, and especially do not do this to yourself. Be kind and gentle."
Both are meaningful to me because I have thought I was too damaged for anyone to love. That is a lie in my journal, a fear. Replacing it with a truth is a good thing.
The second is good because I have for so long blamed myself for my kids, blamed myself for putting myself in bad situations, felt ashamed for things that have happened in my life or those around me. I often and am kind and gentle to others,but am I kind and gentle to me? It made me think about that. Really think...ya know?
Week Two is going to be tough, I can tell. Melody begged us not to Quit, so I KNOW that means it's going to be hard! :) But through this process the thing that keeps, continually jumping out to me is the story of the Refiner's Fire.
One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week this woman called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot--then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.
She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Stronger and Softer Souls
One of the girls posted that in her wishes to us today she hoped that we come out "Stronger and Softer" in the end. Someone else commented that there is great strength in being gentle. For me this has not always been easy. To come out of this being "Stronger and Softer" would be GREAT! How many people have said to me I need to have a thicker skin, but then when I do it it too tough, too rugged and they can't get in, they can't break through?
But then if I am too soft, people just walk all over me and use me and hurt my soul. I have often been confused how to balance this and think this might actually be a healing that will show me how to balance the two. I know many who would be happy with that outcome.
Hmm, an a Motto for this year perhaps.."Stronger and Softer"
But then if I am too soft, people just walk all over me and use me and hurt my soul. I have often been confused how to balance this and think this might actually be a healing that will show me how to balance the two. I know many who would be happy with that outcome.
Hmm, an a Motto for this year perhaps.."Stronger and Softer"
Monday, January 17, 2011
Hard to Imagine
One of the BG put this song out there for me to add and it definitely was fitting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf7wtB1TGV0
Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I’m finally happy cause
I imagine me
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all You told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won’t get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid
Because of Your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?
Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
‘Cause I don’t have to read that page again
Gone, gone, it’s gone, all gone
In the video when I listened to it, it really touched my heart because he starts talking and says this is to all of you those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance,and even self esteem, you never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough, but imagine God whispering in your ear that it's all gone....
I remember taking visualization classes when I was young. This makes me think of that. Imagine that it is better. Imagine that it is Gone. Imagine a better life...and it will be. I have always had one thing in my loneliness...imagination. I have struggled with those things...many of us do...many of us still are..but we ca imagine that is gone and trust that it will be...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf7wtB1TGV0
Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I’m finally happy cause
I imagine me
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all You told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won’t get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid
Because of Your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?
Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
‘Cause I don’t have to read that page again
Gone, gone, it’s gone, all gone
In the video when I listened to it, it really touched my heart because he starts talking and says this is to all of you those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance,and even self esteem, you never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough, but imagine God whispering in your ear that it's all gone....
I remember taking visualization classes when I was young. This makes me think of that. Imagine that it is better. Imagine that it is Gone. Imagine a better life...and it will be. I have always had one thing in my loneliness...imagination. I have struggled with those things...many of us do...many of us still are..but we ca imagine that is gone and trust that it will be...
More Truth Cards
The Fire never goes out all teh way, so just stoke it a little...throw on another stick...blow on it...you will be on fire again soon!
You will be whole again. You will fly again. You will soar higher than you ever soared.
You have a beautiful, very important story to live out and to tell.
Someone needs that story in your soul that's aching to be told...please don't let it die with you.
Tough
I was reminded today that Nate told me once I was Tough...thanks Nate for the reminder..the lyrics are below...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNC3mkVgOMo&ob=av3el
She’s in the kitchen at the crack of dawn
Bacon’s on, coffee’s strong
Kids running wild, taking off their clothes
If she’s a nervous wreck, well it never shows
Takes one to football and one to dance
Hits the Y for aerobics class
Drops by the bank, stops at the store
Has on a smile when I walk through the door
The last to go to bed, she’ll be the first one up
And I thought I was tough
Chorus
She’s strong, pushes on, can’t slow her down
She can take anything life dishes out
There was a time
Back before she was mine
When I thought I was tough
We sat there five years ago
The doctors let us know, the test showed
She’d have to fight to live, I broke down and cried
She held me and said it’s gonna be alright
She wore that wig to church
Pink ribbon pinned there on her shirt
No room for fear, full of faith
Hands held high singing Amazing Grace
Never once complained, refusing to give up
And I thought I was tough
Chorus
She’s strong, pushes on, can’t slow her down
She can take anything life dishes out
There was a time
Back before she was mine
When I thought I was tough
She’s a gentle word, the sweetest kiss
A velvet touch against my skin
I’ve seen her cry, I’ve seen her break
But in my eyes, she’ll always be strong
There was a time
Back before she was mine
When I thought I was tough
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNC3mkVgOMo&ob=av3el
She’s in the kitchen at the crack of dawn
Bacon’s on, coffee’s strong
Kids running wild, taking off their clothes
If she’s a nervous wreck, well it never shows
Takes one to football and one to dance
Hits the Y for aerobics class
Drops by the bank, stops at the store
Has on a smile when I walk through the door
The last to go to bed, she’ll be the first one up
And I thought I was tough
Chorus
She’s strong, pushes on, can’t slow her down
She can take anything life dishes out
There was a time
Back before she was mine
When I thought I was tough
We sat there five years ago
The doctors let us know, the test showed
She’d have to fight to live, I broke down and cried
She held me and said it’s gonna be alright
She wore that wig to church
Pink ribbon pinned there on her shirt
No room for fear, full of faith
Hands held high singing Amazing Grace
Never once complained, refusing to give up
And I thought I was tough
Chorus
She’s strong, pushes on, can’t slow her down
She can take anything life dishes out
There was a time
Back before she was mine
When I thought I was tough
She’s a gentle word, the sweetest kiss
A velvet touch against my skin
I’ve seen her cry, I’ve seen her break
But in my eyes, she’ll always be strong
There was a time
Back before she was mine
When I thought I was tough
Old Truths Revealed-Moon People
I have been going through this blog but some old posts and I was intrigued to find an old posts right before I left my spouse and kicked someone outta my Soul House for good who was doing me no good the last time. I thought I would share it with you...
"Friday, March 09, 2007
Selfless or Selfish
Why do people think are they being selfish when they are trying to be happy and do things for themselves. It appears to me that usually the people who say this are mostly "selfless" and do so much for other people that they lose out most of the time. I was one of those persons for years and finally became aware of these things in life I was missing and took a stand.
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you are complaining because someone does not treat you well, then it is your own fault. If you are not getting what you need, speak up or shut up.
Also, why is it everyone else deserves the best of you but you? If you don't take care of yourself then how are you really expected to take care of others? If you don't make yourself happy, how can you make others happy? am I wrong to think that I have a right to be happy? Don't I deserve to be treated fairly, deserve to be happy, deserve to have things on my life? I think so.
But hey...do that and people tell you that you are being selfish. Do I think that self preservation can go over the top? Sure it can. I whole-hardheartedly agree. Some people take it to the extreme. I am merely talking about the simplicity of tending to one's own self once in awhile and allowing yourself happiness.
My opinion: Those who think they are being SELFISH are usually the ones who need to be a little bit more. The ones who think they are being SELFLESS are the one's who need to be more that way as well. The people who are a little of both are well balanced. "
Interesting that I wrote this and there are other posts that speak like this and not long after I truly took a stand. This was another time in my life when I "cleaned house" so to say and sent people to the Moon as Melody says. At this time in my life though I took an even stronger stand then. I lost friends and family sadly but I decided at that time I had enough of being picked on, I had enough being walked on, I had enough being put down, pushed down, and abused. I had enough being taken advantage of, I had enough of how guys treated me, I had enough of people taking advantage of my good nature in business and as a friend and was not afraid to tell people so.
I was not mean, I was not rude, I was not harsh. I simply said to others, "I am sorry, but I will not allow you to treat me in this manner anymore. I love myself enough to stop allowing you to treat me this way. I have a choice just as you do. I request you choose to stop treating me this way. I chose to not allow it to happen anymore."
There were some who were annoyed and just walked away. They would have nothing of me standing up to them and sadly I lost them in my life, but my life was and has been better for it. I miss them, but farewell. There were some that were dumbfounded. They had no clue what I was talking about. they threw their hands in the air and gave me puzzled and confused looks and emails asking for explanations. To some I could explain and I got somewhere. We were able to mend things and move on. To others they really just could get it and I had to give up and move on. The last set was the hardest. They were the group that clung on. They hung on for dear life. They were not giving up, they were not going to let go, they were not going to give me peace or rest no matter where I went or what I did. Some were family and some were friends. The family was the hardest. How do you shut out your family? You just do because you have to love yourself enough to do so.
I stopped answering the emails. I stopped answering their phone calls. I refused to answer text messages. I did not go to family events where they were at. I did not go to events where my friends would be. I went to bigger and better things and little by little they were out of my life and I am happier. I hear about them from time to time from another friend discussing them or if it's family from another family member.But I am not connected to them anymore so my heart is healed now. It doesn't really bother me.
It didn't happen overnight to send them to the Moon. It took time. But overtime my heart healed and I remember being better for it. I don't really feel like I have any Moon people left in my life anymore just people who need to be on the block, at Starbucks, those I meet at the fence, those I sit outside for tea and some I invite in to sit in the front sitting room perhaps and chat.
But who will be allowed in the hearth of my home again yet remains to be seen. That is most sacred for me. I have been hurt and I have given up so much.I have given so much of me. I have learned how I need to keep that sacred and maybe I will decide to keep that private for awhile and just sit by the fire with just me and my cat in that hearth. Those intimate knowings and goings on inside there are dear to me. I cherish them.
I will continue to do so, because I am worth it.
"Friday, March 09, 2007
Selfless or Selfish
Why do people think are they being selfish when they are trying to be happy and do things for themselves. It appears to me that usually the people who say this are mostly "selfless" and do so much for other people that they lose out most of the time. I was one of those persons for years and finally became aware of these things in life I was missing and took a stand.
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you are complaining because someone does not treat you well, then it is your own fault. If you are not getting what you need, speak up or shut up.
Also, why is it everyone else deserves the best of you but you? If you don't take care of yourself then how are you really expected to take care of others? If you don't make yourself happy, how can you make others happy? am I wrong to think that I have a right to be happy? Don't I deserve to be treated fairly, deserve to be happy, deserve to have things on my life? I think so.
But hey...do that and people tell you that you are being selfish. Do I think that self preservation can go over the top? Sure it can. I whole-hardheartedly agree. Some people take it to the extreme. I am merely talking about the simplicity of tending to one's own self once in awhile and allowing yourself happiness.
My opinion: Those who think they are being SELFISH are usually the ones who need to be a little bit more. The ones who think they are being SELFLESS are the one's who need to be more that way as well. The people who are a little of both are well balanced. "
Interesting that I wrote this and there are other posts that speak like this and not long after I truly took a stand. This was another time in my life when I "cleaned house" so to say and sent people to the Moon as Melody says. At this time in my life though I took an even stronger stand then. I lost friends and family sadly but I decided at that time I had enough of being picked on, I had enough being walked on, I had enough being put down, pushed down, and abused. I had enough being taken advantage of, I had enough of how guys treated me, I had enough of people taking advantage of my good nature in business and as a friend and was not afraid to tell people so.
I was not mean, I was not rude, I was not harsh. I simply said to others, "I am sorry, but I will not allow you to treat me in this manner anymore. I love myself enough to stop allowing you to treat me this way. I have a choice just as you do. I request you choose to stop treating me this way. I chose to not allow it to happen anymore."
There were some who were annoyed and just walked away. They would have nothing of me standing up to them and sadly I lost them in my life, but my life was and has been better for it. I miss them, but farewell. There were some that were dumbfounded. They had no clue what I was talking about. they threw their hands in the air and gave me puzzled and confused looks and emails asking for explanations. To some I could explain and I got somewhere. We were able to mend things and move on. To others they really just could get it and I had to give up and move on. The last set was the hardest. They were the group that clung on. They hung on for dear life. They were not giving up, they were not going to let go, they were not going to give me peace or rest no matter where I went or what I did. Some were family and some were friends. The family was the hardest. How do you shut out your family? You just do because you have to love yourself enough to do so.
I stopped answering the emails. I stopped answering their phone calls. I refused to answer text messages. I did not go to family events where they were at. I did not go to events where my friends would be. I went to bigger and better things and little by little they were out of my life and I am happier. I hear about them from time to time from another friend discussing them or if it's family from another family member.But I am not connected to them anymore so my heart is healed now. It doesn't really bother me.
It didn't happen overnight to send them to the Moon. It took time. But overtime my heart healed and I remember being better for it. I don't really feel like I have any Moon people left in my life anymore just people who need to be on the block, at Starbucks, those I meet at the fence, those I sit outside for tea and some I invite in to sit in the front sitting room perhaps and chat.
But who will be allowed in the hearth of my home again yet remains to be seen. That is most sacred for me. I have been hurt and I have given up so much.I have given so much of me. I have learned how I need to keep that sacred and maybe I will decide to keep that private for awhile and just sit by the fire with just me and my cat in that hearth. Those intimate knowings and goings on inside there are dear to me. I cherish them.
I will continue to do so, because I am worth it.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Some Truths
This has been a trying week for me. I embrace this because of who I am. If I am going to do something I am going to do it right. As well, my mother made me Very aware of my surroundings, who I am, and how to be "in tune" with myself. I do beleive I am getting a lot out of this so far and will continue to do so. I was talking to a friend about this last night and it was decided that not only because of what I have gone through, but because of my mother raised me, has really helped me embrace this process. I would have to agree.
I have really taken on the craft part , yes, as have many other women. but as I read the forums I see that many have been emotionally challenged with the "Journaling" Part of this. Some are not in tune while others are scared to death. I embrace it head on, but my stomach feels like it is in my chest and I feel like vomiting often, I just keep pushing through. I feel like if I gave up on conversations and life and circumstances every time it felt a little rough, I would never be the Diamond that I am. And I am you know....A GEM! I am Unique and Rare. I am Special. I am worthy.
Those along with others are some Truths I have been telling myself this week to reinforce my solidarity and overcome the lies I have been telling myself. Those are the hardest to deal with. The Lies we tell ourselves. I debated sharing any or not because I do not that by all it will be take well, but I decided that it is not my responsibility for others will or won't take them, others learn through another's experiences and by sharing these maybe another will learn. I am not willing to share my soul however, but here are some:
Lies:
I don't deserve happiness
I am too broken for anyone to ever want me
I am too broken to love
I am ruined
I don't matter enough to be put first
I have nothing to offer the world
I am not smart enough or intelligent enough
If I get old no one will want me
No one is ever going to desire to marry me again
As I said there are others, but they are even deeper into my Soul House and very few will be allowed in there again. I have to protect it. It is special. It is tender. I have to cherish it and take care of it. I have been letting people rearrange my furniture for far too long. My windows are broken, the paint is chipped and the rug is half lifted from the floor showing some of the amazing hardwood underneath. When I look deeper I see that floor was pretty amazing once. It can be again.
As I said in another post I cut out some truths this week. I have been using them in my collage, but a few I have scattered around my room, bathroom and I have THREE sitting on my computer reminding me:
"You don't have to settle for things that make you feel small and powerless...you always have a choice"
"There are wonderful, kind, supportive, selfless people in the world, lots of them! These are the people that you deserve to spend you time with. Don't settle for anything less, punkin!" (and yes the truth really says punkin on it. Alot of them say sweetie, honey, punkin etc)
"It is time to stop settling for less"
Those are the tree I keep staring at...I fear if I keep staring at them too long they might scorch up in flames. I am chanting those words constantly.
I DESERVE HAPPINESS
IT IS TIME TO STOP SETTLING FOR LESS
I am tired of settling. Settling for being moved around. Settling for what time I get with my children. Settling for the way men treat me.Settling for others that don't put me first. Settling for being the last one of the kids that gets picked for teams.Settling for being the person is always to blame. Settling for being the one who doesn't get invited to the kewl kids crowd. Settling for being pacified with attempts at Unity, to constantly be told I MUST WAIT, I MUST BE SECOND, OTHERS WILL ALWAYS COME BEFORE YOU, OTHERS MEAN MORE TO ME THAN YOU, and settling...for Companionship...when...what I want...desire...and deserve...is my knight and shining armor and fairy tale ending and to be not JUST be loved, but to have someone who loves me enough to trust me enough to beleive in ME enough and in GOD enough, to share it with the world.
I'm done.Done settling.
The cards are on the table. Show em if you got em. Cuz I am tired and worn and broken. My life has been rough and hard and not filled with moments of happiness, yet because of my mother's training and my faith in God I always found the light and found happiness and I will find it again.
I remember my mother saying..."Turn the page, next, new chapter, new story."
She also said,"When you get rid of all the junk and the trash and the garbage in your life, it's amazing what great things start happening to you and for you!" Well, My House is Closed for Restoration and I am working on De Cluttering. I am giving things a new look and looking through a different lens. I am also looking at all the people on the outside of the House I kicked out this week and who I will let back in. Some are standing on the porch, some left and just went to the Moon on their own, and Some gathered together and sat down and had tea while waiting.
Others, they are pacing right now and I am waiting to see what they do. There are more than a few of them out there too. Friends and others...wondering what am "I" going to do.
But see here is an epiphany I had tonight...one the drive home...while they are on the outside they could be planting seeds, tending to things on the outside, around my soul house...and also what are they doing to take care of their OWN Soul House during this time?? Hmm what about that???
Those two things REALLY matter to me, too. What are they doing to tend their own soul house and what are they doing while on the outside of my soul house? More Truths...are starting to unfold every...single...day.
I have really taken on the craft part , yes, as have many other women. but as I read the forums I see that many have been emotionally challenged with the "Journaling" Part of this. Some are not in tune while others are scared to death. I embrace it head on, but my stomach feels like it is in my chest and I feel like vomiting often, I just keep pushing through. I feel like if I gave up on conversations and life and circumstances every time it felt a little rough, I would never be the Diamond that I am. And I am you know....A GEM! I am Unique and Rare. I am Special. I am worthy.
Those along with others are some Truths I have been telling myself this week to reinforce my solidarity and overcome the lies I have been telling myself. Those are the hardest to deal with. The Lies we tell ourselves. I debated sharing any or not because I do not that by all it will be take well, but I decided that it is not my responsibility for others will or won't take them, others learn through another's experiences and by sharing these maybe another will learn. I am not willing to share my soul however, but here are some:
Lies:
I don't deserve happiness
I am too broken for anyone to ever want me
I am too broken to love
I am ruined
I don't matter enough to be put first
I have nothing to offer the world
I am not smart enough or intelligent enough
If I get old no one will want me
No one is ever going to desire to marry me again
As I said there are others, but they are even deeper into my Soul House and very few will be allowed in there again. I have to protect it. It is special. It is tender. I have to cherish it and take care of it. I have been letting people rearrange my furniture for far too long. My windows are broken, the paint is chipped and the rug is half lifted from the floor showing some of the amazing hardwood underneath. When I look deeper I see that floor was pretty amazing once. It can be again.
As I said in another post I cut out some truths this week. I have been using them in my collage, but a few I have scattered around my room, bathroom and I have THREE sitting on my computer reminding me:
"You don't have to settle for things that make you feel small and powerless...you always have a choice"
"There are wonderful, kind, supportive, selfless people in the world, lots of them! These are the people that you deserve to spend you time with. Don't settle for anything less, punkin!" (and yes the truth really says punkin on it. Alot of them say sweetie, honey, punkin etc)
"It is time to stop settling for less"
Those are the tree I keep staring at...I fear if I keep staring at them too long they might scorch up in flames. I am chanting those words constantly.
I DESERVE HAPPINESS
IT IS TIME TO STOP SETTLING FOR LESS
I am tired of settling. Settling for being moved around. Settling for what time I get with my children. Settling for the way men treat me.Settling for others that don't put me first. Settling for being the last one of the kids that gets picked for teams.Settling for being the person is always to blame. Settling for being the one who doesn't get invited to the kewl kids crowd. Settling for being pacified with attempts at Unity, to constantly be told I MUST WAIT, I MUST BE SECOND, OTHERS WILL ALWAYS COME BEFORE YOU, OTHERS MEAN MORE TO ME THAN YOU, and settling...for Companionship...when...what I want...desire...and deserve...is my knight and shining armor and fairy tale ending and to be not JUST be loved, but to have someone who loves me enough to trust me enough to beleive in ME enough and in GOD enough, to share it with the world.
I'm done.Done settling.
The cards are on the table. Show em if you got em. Cuz I am tired and worn and broken. My life has been rough and hard and not filled with moments of happiness, yet because of my mother's training and my faith in God I always found the light and found happiness and I will find it again.
I remember my mother saying..."Turn the page, next, new chapter, new story."
She also said,"When you get rid of all the junk and the trash and the garbage in your life, it's amazing what great things start happening to you and for you!" Well, My House is Closed for Restoration and I am working on De Cluttering. I am giving things a new look and looking through a different lens. I am also looking at all the people on the outside of the House I kicked out this week and who I will let back in. Some are standing on the porch, some left and just went to the Moon on their own, and Some gathered together and sat down and had tea while waiting.
Others, they are pacing right now and I am waiting to see what they do. There are more than a few of them out there too. Friends and others...wondering what am "I" going to do.
But see here is an epiphany I had tonight...one the drive home...while they are on the outside they could be planting seeds, tending to things on the outside, around my soul house...and also what are they doing to take care of their OWN Soul House during this time?? Hmm what about that???
Those two things REALLY matter to me, too. What are they doing to tend their own soul house and what are they doing while on the outside of my soul house? More Truths...are starting to unfold every...single...day.
Definition: Restore
Restore
Definition: To bring back to its former state; to bring back from a state of ruin, decay, disease, or the like; to repair; to renew; to recover.
To give or bring back, return
To renew; to reestablish; as, to restore harmony among those who are variance.
To give in place of, or as satisfaction for.
To bring back from a state of injury or decay, or from a changed condition; as, to restore a painting, statue, etc.
To return to life; get or give new life or energy;
To restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken
To bring back into original existence, use, function, or position
To return to its original or usable and functioning condition;
Definition: To bring back to its former state; to bring back from a state of ruin, decay, disease, or the like; to repair; to renew; to recover.
To give or bring back, return
To renew; to reestablish; as, to restore harmony among those who are variance.
To give in place of, or as satisfaction for.
To bring back from a state of injury or decay, or from a changed condition; as, to restore a painting, statue, etc.
To return to life; get or give new life or energy;
To restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken
To bring back into original existence, use, function, or position
To return to its original or usable and functioning condition;
Friday, January 14, 2011
Music for the Soul
On the Brave Girls Soul Restoration Forum I posted a Topic and made a You Tube play list for the Girls with a few of my favorite and asked a few of them if they wanted to send me any of theirs they were welcome to post some and I would add them.
In the past few days, many women have really reached out on this and it has been quite nice to see how much Music touches other people souls. Music has always been a part of my life. I think I was born singing.I am one of those that hears, the beat in the back, the beat in the front and the lyrics in between. The lyrics ALWAYS jump out to me. I send songs to others and they have no clue why I am sending it to them or they tell me when they hear a song they don't hear the lyrics so they don't get the meaning or it doesn't mean the same to them as it does to me. That make me sad. They are missing out. Not just out on connecting with that song, but on connecting with me. They have do not know me if they do not know that music is my life, learning to appreciate this aspect and how to bond with me means a closer connection.
I used to sit on swings and sing. When I could sing in church, I did. I took vocal training for over 10 years. I thought music was going to be my life. It is such a great part of my soul. It has the ability to reach in, deep down inside and make me feel. make me feel those moments of pain or hurt or regret. make me feel those moment of sheer joy or happiness. And make me feel those moments of strength and power like I can conquer the world and you darn well get outta my way, buddy!
I am so very glad I am able to do this Soul Restoration. In one week so much inside has happened. Art, writing and of course...music has helped with that. I am grateful and thankful i am allowing myself to be me again. And that other Brave Girls are telling me to. Because of that, I made the First Play List and it has been so great to see more requests and people say they are glad, GLAD that I am doing it because they don't know how or just that they like my music or that they are happy I did it, how thoughtful of me.
This has been a great week and I look forward to 5 more wonderful weeks. I don't know what my life will be like when I am done, I don't know how I will be, but I do know I will be more amazing than I was before and my Soul House will be restored and I will the tools necessary for the future when I need it.
I am sharing below a few that spoke to me and then the playlist itself. As time progresses the playlist changes, so you might want to save it or bookmark it and see it grow and change with us. :)
There are a couple that really popped out to me
Beautiful Bird by Cindy Morgan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CsN8IQK528
Shine by Rosi Golan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sZDn3C7Bh8
Outcast by Kerrie Roberts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfJ2-N5EGRY
The Lost Get Found- Britt Nicole
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4GmLRTJq1w
LOVE ME by JJ HELLER
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG7SPCVkKyY
(the reason why this one is so important is because this completely emulates our Truth Teller. Our Truth Teller loves us for us.) For the Lyrics you can go to
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jj_heller/love_me.html
I also made the ladies a little video from an old video I found. But I have made them a couple of other ones too, actually.
For the Play List and the Videos I made click the link and it will take you to my You Tube Account.
My Account http://www.youtube.com/user/TrishaTrixie516?feature=mhum
The Soul Restoration Playlist ONLY http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=9CFFE4ED20F39915
In the past few days, many women have really reached out on this and it has been quite nice to see how much Music touches other people souls. Music has always been a part of my life. I think I was born singing.I am one of those that hears, the beat in the back, the beat in the front and the lyrics in between. The lyrics ALWAYS jump out to me. I send songs to others and they have no clue why I am sending it to them or they tell me when they hear a song they don't hear the lyrics so they don't get the meaning or it doesn't mean the same to them as it does to me. That make me sad. They are missing out. Not just out on connecting with that song, but on connecting with me. They have do not know me if they do not know that music is my life, learning to appreciate this aspect and how to bond with me means a closer connection.
I used to sit on swings and sing. When I could sing in church, I did. I took vocal training for over 10 years. I thought music was going to be my life. It is such a great part of my soul. It has the ability to reach in, deep down inside and make me feel. make me feel those moments of pain or hurt or regret. make me feel those moment of sheer joy or happiness. And make me feel those moments of strength and power like I can conquer the world and you darn well get outta my way, buddy!
I am so very glad I am able to do this Soul Restoration. In one week so much inside has happened. Art, writing and of course...music has helped with that. I am grateful and thankful i am allowing myself to be me again. And that other Brave Girls are telling me to. Because of that, I made the First Play List and it has been so great to see more requests and people say they are glad, GLAD that I am doing it because they don't know how or just that they like my music or that they are happy I did it, how thoughtful of me.
This has been a great week and I look forward to 5 more wonderful weeks. I don't know what my life will be like when I am done, I don't know how I will be, but I do know I will be more amazing than I was before and my Soul House will be restored and I will the tools necessary for the future when I need it.
I am sharing below a few that spoke to me and then the playlist itself. As time progresses the playlist changes, so you might want to save it or bookmark it and see it grow and change with us. :)
There are a couple that really popped out to me
Beautiful Bird by Cindy Morgan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CsN8IQK528
Shine by Rosi Golan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sZDn3C7Bh8
Outcast by Kerrie Roberts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfJ2-N5EGRY
The Lost Get Found- Britt Nicole
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4GmLRTJq1w
LOVE ME by JJ HELLER
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG7SPCVkKyY
(the reason why this one is so important is because this completely emulates our Truth Teller. Our Truth Teller loves us for us.) For the Lyrics you can go to
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jj_heller/love_me.html
I also made the ladies a little video from an old video I found. But I have made them a couple of other ones too, actually.
For the Play List and the Videos I made click the link and it will take you to my You Tube Account.
My Account http://www.youtube.com/user/TrishaTrixie516?feature=mhum
The Soul Restoration Playlist ONLY http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=9CFFE4ED20F39915
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