Victim of my own Optimism

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast & without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, & I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

~

I often tend to do this myself.I fall victim to this. I tend to see the greatness a man can be even if he doesn't see it. I hear them speak about the things they desire to do and the life they desire to live.I hear the anticipation in their voice and all the things they WANT to be. I hear them tell me how they want to do this or that and how they really should do something. I hear the Excitement of the Possibilities of Themselves and I get hooked.

What scares me is this? I realize from reading that quote how similar I am. The last line of that rings true in my ears. A Victim of my Own Optimism...for them. I trust people. I beleive in people. My sister always says "Oh Bless your hear, you really want to see the good in everyone don't you?" Yes. I do. There is an inherit good in others that I know is there. I know not everyone is good in that way, but I do beleive that there is good in MOST of the population and I always "Believe first, ask questions later." I used to say Trust first, but I have learned to be more guarded with my heart and myself. I have about more X-files mentality now in that sense of "Trust No One" but yet I still believe.

I have been with men who really do have all desires to go forward in their life. They really do mean well. They had all inclinations to do the things they set out to do in their minds. Though, they are not driven like me and trudge forward anyway despite the set backs. They made excuses they called reasons and allowed life to stop them. Me, I find a way. I expect others to be the same. Find a way. What is stopping you?

I said to a friend recently "The only thing keeping you from you, is you." I have this view on life others don't get. Now that I have done Soul Restoration it is even stronger. Do it Anyway. Live Life to the fullest. If tomorrow were your last day, what would you do differently? Then why aren't you doing that now? What excuse, what lie have you told yourself to keep you from doing that or being that, you who you desire yourself to be? What are "ACTIVELY" doing to get there?

I don't want to be with another man that is like that. Furthermore, I don't want men to all of a sudden become that for me. I like that perhaps I am a muse to you and inspiration to live your life better, yes but go for those dreams because YOU decided to be better. Because YOU want more for yourself. I once had a guy tell me  "You make me want to be a better man." That's great. But did he become that, a better man, sure. But in the way that only HE could which is all I can ask for, but he failed at even being the better him he could be and fell back into old ways. You know why? He didn't do it for himself. He did it for me. E for Effort but don't stop. Keep going already. Do it for you. If you do then what a great feeling you will have at the end, whether I am there or not. You will feel stronger, better, value and a sense of accomplishment for reaching those dreams and goals. And let me add, when you do it DESPITE everything that gets in your way...you will feel like you are flying in the clouds with that feeling of elation. I know. I speak from experience.

I worry about falling into this Victim of Optimism as she speaks of. I have done it before so I recognize it now. I no longer want to fall into the same patterns as before. Seeking out, or seeing men that fall into this possibility make me feel cautionary.

I still am optimistic that if you really do desire to go and be something then I dearly hope you go do that. But then men who either are doing, are striving towards it at least capture my attentions more than the ones who aren't there yet anymore. It is ok to set boundaries and still love people. I still care about those people as a friend and I can stand by and watch your progression and cheer you on from the sidelines. I have to draw a line in the sand somewhere.

I draw it here.____________________

I am driven, I am motivated, I move in a forward direction despite the reasons that keep others from doing so. I refuse to settle. I am done settling. I am social, I like to go out, I attend a lot of network events. I have my own business and I desire to succeed. I don't want to wait anymore while watching you get there. I want you to BE there. I want you to conquer the world and show me what you got. At least be striving for it.

I am not so much Black and White anymore, true. I do live in the gray now, but only for a little. I still beleive either you are are actively doing something to move forward in your life and go after the things you want and go after happiness, or you are stale and stagnant and starting to smell like old fish or golfers. :)

To sum it all up, I do get my thoughts and feeling from movies and recently I watched Sweet Home Alabama. In it the guy was not the man she desired, so she left. When she came back to take care of things, she was amazed and impressed to find he came after her and saw he had to be a better man if he was ever going to win her back. But the thing is, he still didn't do it FOR her. He did it for him and if she followed so be it.

Lurlynn: You know he went up there?
Melanie Carmichael: Who? Jake? When?
Lurlynn: About a year after you left. He told Clinton he'd never seen anything like it. He knew that it would take more than an apology to get you back. He'd have to conquer the world first. He's been trying ever since.


 Now that's the kind of guy I want. Conquer the world or at least be trying...

I am a Non-Conformist

I am a non-conformist. I believing in being me and being real. I am not afraid to be me. I am honest to a fault and beleive in Integrity. I am unique and different and I am ok with that. I refuse to live the way others or society deems I should because they say so. I was not meant to fit in or be a part of the mold. I make my own. It does get lonely at times, but I know it is worth it. I was born in Iowa, raised in California, then came back to Iowa and then bounced about the states for awhile. I have Midwestern down home attitude with a Cali girl style about me. This and my life's experiences though they have been rough and not always so easy, have made me the Unique Gem and Beautiful Soul that I am.

I beleive in Love even at all costs, even if my heart could get broke.

I beleive in Romance and think it is not dead, just most men don't get it, want to be that way or think that it will get them anywhere. I believe I can have "Love in a Movie" as they say in Sleepless in Seattle and that there is real chivalry out there. It is not dead, just stale

As you see I believe in Fairy tales and magic. Yes I do believe in magic. I am Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty wrapped up in one. I have had to work to get where I am, struggled and treated like crap, made fun of and put down. Fairy godmother's in the form of friends who cared showed up and my life got better and magical. There will be a knight someday to rescue me and he will not only be the one who found my glass slipper and came after me, but also be the one in the same that is willing to fight through the thistles and thorns to get to me in the tower.(if you don't get the reference go watch Cinderella then watch Sleeping Beauty)

I am there for my friends even when they are not there for me, push me away or tell me I am wrong or I am being mean to them because I am being truthful. I will however only take so much of your abuse, sabotage and crap towards me before I let you go, or now, send you to the Moon and you and the other Moon Dwellers can have a party without me, and that is one I would be happy NOT to be invited to.

I am though the one that collects and gather friends. Because I will stand by you through thick and thin I am good to have around. Whether I know you or not, Facebook know you, Blog know you, if I beleive in you, then you and I are good to go. I will stand up for you, stand by you and defend you at all costs. I like more friends and gather many around, but recently through my Soul Restoration I have learned that there are those will are the good choice uplifting ones and the sabotaging bad ones. If you hurt me, I am not afraid to tell you so be ready to hear it. if you leave our friendship because of it, then so be it. I am not a doormat.

I am most often the girl in the room other girls hate. Because I am not afraid to be me and well, let's face it I know I am pretty, I get lots of attention. I am not one of those trying to take your guy so don't think that. I am just the girl who the guys want to talk to. Again I am not going to stop being me. Sorry, but maybe you need to get your "A" game on. Bring it. too many times I see the lackadaisical way girls present themselves and I am appalled. do your hair and makeup, wear nice clothes at least clean ones, take care of yourself. think about the women in the 50's. I enjoy being a girl. Guys enjoy me being one. They would look at you that way if you took care of yourself too.

I adore Audrey Hepburn and Jacki O. They are women I admire. they have Style and Grace. They are true genuine women. They have an aura about them.people were drawn to them now people are drawn to me. I have learned much from reading and learning and taking in knowledge about these women. I am a human magnet. People are drawn to me like a butterfly is to a flower, like a moth is to a flame. I know it is because I am different, special, unique. I am thankful now for that.

I am a woman who has a brain and I am not afraid to use it. I like discussing Religion and Politics the two things you are NOT supposed to discuss. I like discussing Information Technology and computers. I like to talk about Science and things of the world. I want a lively discussion from friends and those I am dating and love it when someone challenges me.

Not the same as playing me. I don't like games and am WAY tired of them. I mean a Challenge, like they challenge my brain cells to work, to think. I like the fact the someone recently taught me Chess. That was my date. That was more fun then going out dancing all night long. I like it when the person I am with wants to discuss the world around them and the latest business books I have read. When we discuss the economy, gas prices or things of the like. This challenges my brain and to me is exciting and fun.

I am searching out good people in my life lately. I am allowing those who are already in it to fill it and fill my needs and wants. When it doesn't happen, I have learned not to be afraid to say so. I am me. I have always been me. No matter what I have been through, I will still be me. I will grow and learn and advance, yes, but inevitably still be me.

I am a Beautiful Soul. I am unique. I am different. You will never meet anyone like me. Hi, I am Trisha. :)

(thanks KSM for your insrpiration - go to her blog - Normal is a Setting on the Dryer  to see what inspired me to write this.)

Boundaries

I wish I carried my Truth Book with me everywhere I went. The last few days have made me thought that I should. I have had a bad last couple of days. Mostly because I overstepped my boundaries, didn't know where they were, or had people set them on me. In addition to that, I need to set them on others in my life right now and that is not always easy, but it is necessary. In the Truth's there is one that speaks something of this, that it is ok to set boundaries and still love people. So given my current situation I thought about this. Not only Still love people, but also that when others set boundaries on me, they still love me as well.

The first one, I overstepped my place. I thought I was invited to share my thoughts with a friend only to find that the message I got back was to "Butt out, mind my own business" and then the attack texts came. Thins like "I am only a friend for convenience." These words cut me like a knife searing through my body. The person who sent this to me I have done a lot for. I have helped when I didn't have it to help. I have done much for this person and been there for him when times were very rough for him. He blocked my Facebook and I feel if the person is blocking me like I can see you but not your wall, then you don't want me in your world, so I deleted him. But it's ok, It was a life lesson. I overstepped a boundary. There was a line I didn't know I couldn't' cross. Now, that friend has a life issue, has apologized, begged to get back on my Facebook (that is a big deal to them), and now "I" feel like the person of convenience oddly enough. So now that he has an issue I am a friend? Well, here's the thing though...

Yes, I answered my phone and I answered my text and then because of Brave Girls, I knew it was up to me to set the boundary. So I didn't drop everything like I normally do. I missed his call and I told him I would call him back when I could. so we played a bit of phone tag but I did talk to him and I was there to listen. I care about people. I am there for my friends. Remember, I am still going to be me and I don't abandon a friend. But I do set boundaries and I do pay attention to the ones I cross.

Then there is the one where people set boundaries on me. It is good to know your place in this world. Boundaries are good for that. They are needed. Knowing where others stand, their views on dating, how they are dating and what they have chosen and where their boundaries are where I am concerned is good to know, but not easy to swallow either.

Part of this week happened two fold. One I didn't know where my boundaries were with someone, I didn't even know I COULD cross a boundary, but I did and then we needed to have the discussion of where it was because I truly care about this person and I empathize and understand them. I have been in their shoes. So, SO, SOOOOO many times. If I am special to someone and my time is precious, they don't want to share me with others because I am the most special to them, If their other friends are sharing that time, then it is perceived my time is lost with that person. My mother has friends that she adores, and I adore them but not on MY time with my mom. It is selfish, I know. But the person tonight who was feeling this way is so like me she is a mini me and she has a right to feel this way. Well, I beleive everyone has a RIGHT to feel how they do, but what I mean is I understand. More than anything, I want her happiness as well as mine and if she is feeling left out or threatened then draw a boundary line and I will do my best to not cross it.

Then there are the boundaries I need to start setting. Friends, family and others. the Brave Girl Truth resounds in my head "It is ok to set boundaries and still love someone" But it is harder to set those and help others still FEEL loved. I am concerned about that challenge the most. They didn't go through Brave Girls. They don't understand. How am I to do that? How am I to draw a line in the sand and say, "You can't cross here, but I love you or but I care"?

I know that through this week it has been very hard for me to come out of the end of the week feeling loved and feeling cared for with the boundaries that have been placed on me, but instead of believing the lies I chose to beleive the Truths which are that "Those who set the boundaries did so because I am special to them and they love me and care about me" which is why I would set them.

Remember the Truths about boundaries this week. I will be.

The finality of it all...

The finality of it all...

I get to choose where to walk. I choose to walk in the Light.

I go where the Peace is

Light and Darkness cannot occupy the same space

Dark and Lightness-house or that's what I call it anyway :)

The final lesson, our back two pages, then our last page, was about the Light and the Darkness. How Darkness and Light cannot exist in the same space. If we are having feelings of darkness in our soul then we are not thinking feeling of Light. If we are having negative thoughts like "I am forgotten, I am hurt, I am not worthy, I don't matter, it is never enough, nobody cares, everyone is better than I am,etc" (those are words I chose that are in the dark) then we are unable to feel the words that are the Truth that are in the Light... " I am worthy, I belong, I am enough, generosity, unconditional love, truth, life is a gift, this is where I belong and commitment" (Words in the Light I chose). I choose to walk in the light, the light of love, truth and happiness and will endure to the end and a new beginning with that.

I mostly had a hard time finishing as I said before because I didn't want it to come to an end. But I realized when one door closes another one opens. I have learned so much from this and there is SR 2 coming in June and I will be taking that. Plus I have the Brave Girls and have a new connection now with them. A new online Support group I never had. I have followers on THIS site I never had. I have a new family. Brave Girl Family.


 Also brought to my attention was that we still have the Promises book to work on. This Book is our last "On-Going" homework. This book is to be the Positive Promises to ourselves. How we will promise to make good choices etc. If you want to see more of my work on this go to my Art blog. I have taken more time on this and was very happy to hear other Brave Girls are really giving this thought and consideration. I really want to think about this one and not RUSH into it. this is special. Not that the others weren't, but they were more time sensitive I felt. This one is not and this one is mine and I can just keep adding or making more books. I want to be sure I make Promises to myself I can keep as well as ones that sound, well, sane. That may make some of you laugh, but I can have some pretty far fetching dreams and I am sure if I let myself go my Promises could get that way too. Plus I want this book to look aesthetically pleasing. Again, I felt more rushed in my last books, as well, I have learned so many more techniques since the beginning of classes and want to utilize all my skills.

Front of Promises Book

Inside Cover of Promises Book

 Lastly, I want to speak of me...this blog has been around awhile. I have been writing here since 2005. Up until recently I haven't really used it for pictures and such. I have the other art blog and will most likely have that more as my art blogging site as things move forward.

I end this journey wanting to say something before moving onto to my more regular blog writing. I have learned much through Soul Restoration. I would advise anyone who is feeling twisted, turned, mixed up, not feeling centered to take it. I would advise anyone who is looking for a great support group, a new family, a feeling of belonging to take it as you WILL find that there. I found that and more.

I found me again. I found the me that was strong. I found the me that knew what kind of eggs she liked - poached. :) I found the me that spoke up, stood her ground and refused to settle. I found the me that had dreams and found them again and started going for them again. I found the me that believed in myself again. I found the me that wasn't afraid to be me. The me that allowed myself to be who I am no matter what others think. Wear pink nail polish, headbands, barrettes, get bangs, wear mini skirts at age 40 years, don't act my age, don't care, have fun, enjoy life, savor life and life it up, be silly.

I also learned things through this process. I made developments that others in my life became proud of me for and were ever so thankful for. I developed a thicker skin. I learned how to move past my past. I learned how to live in EACH moment. I learned how to let things go like servers forgetting my order and not wanting to kill them. :) I learned how to NOT be a Jekyll/Hyde. I learned how to protect my soul house. I learned how to put people on the Moon. I learned how to send others to the curb. When having a bad day, I know I can reach for my Truth book or Truth cards and I have something strong to back me up. I also have my Brave Girl friends and I no longer have to do it alone.

I thought perhaps I wasn't Restored...but today..I realized...I am more Restored than I ever thought I could be, than I was 6 weeks ago. I am Stronger and Softer which is what I was going for and I have accomplished much. Going forward will not be easy..but Restored Trisha is here to stay and I am loving every minute of it!

The Restored Me :)

What came out of taking Soul Restoration:

http://adgb.blogspot.com Where I posted my Journey through SR 1

http://art-a-day-keeps-the-crazies-away.blogspot.com what came out of unleashing my creative side

http://ttandco.blogspot.com My blog for my new company I launched this year after a Trademark Infringement that could have kept me down. But because of SR 1 I did it ANYWAY!!

I also am doing Sparkles e course with Jaime Ridler http://jamieridlerstudios.ca to continue to Sparkle and shine and be the Light in the Darkness to others…

I bought Goddess Leonie’s Goddess Guidebook and am working through it http://www.goddessguidebook.com to unleash the inner Goddess in me…

Get the new book HERE

The Right Brain Business Plan to open the Right Brain creative side in me which was always there, I just didn’t know until I took SR 1 and allowed myself to be me.. www.rightbrainbusinessplan.com

Then these things literally opened the flood gates and I am taking a GREAT LEAP in starting a non-profit I have always been wanting to do to help the homeless…www.warriorsforthehomeless.org a project I started a few years back under another group and am leaping into life to do it for REALS! :)

….and all these things starting on the right path of Soul Restoration at the beginning of the year helped me keep reaching for my potential…

Thank you Soul Restoration 1, Thank you Melody and Kathy and all the girls and ladies who helped the online class, and a BIG thank you to my fellow Brave Girls! Air kisses to all…I wish all our journeys to be amazing ones… :)

A Whole New World and Me in a Corner trying to learn Datingese

I am back in a new world. A whole new world. The dating world. It is this world of cues and handshakes, signals and subtleties. I feel like I am in a foreign land. I found out recently...I forgot how to speak-Datingese

Datingese is that language of all those cues and signals. Getting asked for coffee is worse than getting asked out for lunch, lunch is better than dinner, dinner and a movie is better than both, but drinks can be death. Then there is when a guy texts you after you met at a business function. When there seems to be something one could read between the lines, do I or am I just seeing something? Did the guy MEAN to say it that way or was he jsut being nice?

I am not so sure anymore. And then there is the whole me trying to ask a guy out. Well, I caught myself stammer tonight trying to ask a guy out to dinner. He responded with coffee. After socializing and then returning to one another we connected back up to determine maybe we would meet up for something on Friday night.

Well, then that's a whole other thing if you get a night or  day invite. One invite for one day or one night or do you get invited to a weekend day or a weekend night. Geesh. Wow I am so out of touch.

The last thing is the best. The cream if the crop is not the cream of the crop anymore. So, try to find a quality date on a dating site or on a Facebook group or page anymore. WOW! Ya that's all I gotta say. so I was looking just to see what is out there and this one site I went to looked like all the guys were douchebags saying "S'up" or "Yo!", I mean come on. Men holding their chins or showing off their abs or arms. Really is this what men really think women want to see? YUCK. Make me barf.  I am looking for quality people here, give me a break.

I did find It's Just Lunch and really liked what they had to offer. Quality men and women who were CEO's, Business professionals, socially active people, people who led busy lives and perhaps didn't have a lot of time to be involved with dating or who were also looking for quality people. Yes. I like this site so far. Let's see if they deliver. I don't want to go to bar. I don't want to be on some scummy dating site staring and scrolling through pictures to find a date. I own my own company, do freelance work, am socially active and am driven. This site sounds perfect for me.

I have a hard enough time through this process. I feel so lost out in this new world. When at these events or in the world trying to ask someone out, I end up like that shy girl in high school again like no one wanted to ask out to prom. I am now single and I don't have a date for Friday night. how did that happen?

I know it takes time. I am not a good patient person. I am "working on it." In the meantime...I will keep trying to learn Datinese :)

As the Journey Ends I Drag

As this journey ends of the Soul Restoration I feel myself dragging. I am reading blogs and watching videos and going online to see what other Brave Girls are doing and feeling. I find comfort in knowing that others too are struggling with the relase and letting go of something so wonderful that has taught us so much about ourselves.

I have not even been my usual self with all the recent changes in my life. A new move, a new life, searching for new jobs, living in a new place. I am trying to get accustomed to this new world I am in though it should seem familiar it is not. I am back amongst friends but things re not quite up to speed yet.

I still am searching for freelance contracts and this is a constant struggle. It is and always had been hard to explain to others , even someone who was with me for four years, why I didn't have a new contract and why they were not longer pouring over me like they used to. My response has now become what his used to be "I don't know."  It is not for lack of trying in every avenue I could and can do. then there is a new business I am launching in the midst of this. Waiting for business licenses to come through so I feel "comfortable" with moving forward in that area of my life as well. I don't want to start on new clients only to find there is a bump in the road. I would rather do it right the first time. So I wait. I hate waiting. BIG TIME.

Then there is being not quite in the area of where I want to be. Ia m close to Des Moines, but not quite where I want. I like the little town I am in and enjoy the family I am with. There have already though presented itself with challenges and issues here as Moon People from my family have surfaced and to hear that family members are still holding grudges on me after years breaks my tender, fragile heart. Brave Girls has taught me to acknowledge them as Moon People and I do and have. It is their loss and I feel sad for them that they carry this bitterness inside them for this long. Yet, I too feel punished for not being able to see an uncle who is so ver dear to me because of it all and it makes my heart sad, though I move on ANYWAY. :)

I have a space in the basement of my new shared home for my Brave Girl work though as I said, I am dragging. It is hard for me to get into it right now. I realized today why. If I finish them book and the assignments, then there is nothing left to do. Then it truly is OVER. Then I am on my own. I wonder if the other Brave Girls have though about this. That the reason why we don't want to finish all the lessons is the FEAR of being on our own.

I have learned so much about me. about how I am. about what I will and won't settle for. about my needs and what I want and what I need. I have learned about how to see Moon People and how to not allow them to destroy me. I have learned that I do not have to be a Broken Girl anymore. No more Crack Houses. I can be whole, full restored. But the thing is, I thought at the end of this that I would be...Restored that is....fully and you see, what I recognize is that I am not.

I am a MORE Restored person, but I am still restoring.  So, where does that leave me? It leaves me with this thought about the scriptures. We are asked to be like Christ. Christ is Perfect. Does that mean God really thinks we are to be Perfect? No, but we need to strive to be. So in this, I realize that I AM Restored and I will keep on Restoring.  It is OK to be on my own. 

I need to do it Anyway. I need to finish my books, Anyway. I need to move forward, Anyway. I need to stop dragging and stop fearing and keep living, Anyway.

I am a Beautiful Soul. I am not going to stop being a Beautiful Soul just because Soul Restoration is over.

I am going to be an even Better Beautiful Soul!!

The Biggest Lesson I Gleaned- No More Living in the Past-Live in the Moment

As I was sitting watching my last videos today for the last class, I was hearing Melody say so many different things and I am feeling so may different things. Bittersweet feelings for one. I packed my room in one hour and everything fit in my car. This made me feel thoughts that this was either sad or pathetic but yet I overcame it because I knew that was a mean self talk and the positive thought and truth was that I am moving forward and positive powerful good things were ahead in my future.

Then I am here watching the videos and Melody says things that jump out to me that I feel I must repeat not only for myself but for others. "I will only look back to the past to be grateful. there is no reason to go back and live in the past. There is no reason to be a part of the past. The only reason to EVER go back to the past is to be grateful for the lessons that you've learned. Promise yourself that you will only look back to be grateful. Be grateful for the lessons you have learned. Learn those lessons. Live in Each Moment. Not in the Past and Not in the Future.Stop Worrying, Stop hoping for Things So much that we are seeing what is right in Front of our Face.Live in the Beauty of Each Moment. Live in what we can do and the changes we can make in each moment. Don't worry about how we will Survive in the future."

I am ok right now.I made it through Yesterday. I am making it Through Today. I will make it through Tomorrow. If I can share my light with one person that I see has lost their way, or shine brightness on one soul, I have done a good deed for the day.

This journey has taught me so much and really, truly am thankful.


The Biggest Lesson I Gleaned- No More Living in the Past-Live in the Moment

Each Moment. Each. I was living for Each Day. Now I am ling for each moment. I thought I was savoring life. I thought I was devouring it. I thought I was eating it. I thought before that I was a human magnet. I heard at the beginning of this journey "You are such an Amazing person, you will be more amazing when you are done." All I can say is this...

Watch out world...because Trisha is not only BACK, but Better than Before, New and Improved...New Truth, New Sisters, New Foundation, New Way of looking at life I never thought of and Strength back but Stronger than before and THIS TIME...see THIS TIME...I have a Support Group..called BRAVE GIRLS I never had before and they will be with me EACH MOMENT I CHOOSE to have them there! :)

Valentine Operation Beautiful

What did you today? Was it a special Valentine's for you? Did you feel Beautiful? Do you ever feel like you are having an off day? Do you ever feel less than? What would you do if you came upon a note randomly one day in the bathroom of Target or Panera or someplace you would never expect it on a post it note that said "You are Beautiful!"? Wouldn't that make your day? I know it would make mine!

I heard about Operation Beautiful and knew right away I had to be a part of it. I have randomly left notes on peoples windows or in bathrooms before, but usually they say things like "Have a nice day!" or "Smile!" But this really touched me as a woman who has recovered yet still struggles with bouts of Anorexia loving oneself for who I am A Beautiful Soul Just The Way I Am. 

So today, my day started with me going to Target, buying a pack of post it notes, a Pink Sharpie and a mission while I ran my errands today. I hope to post 100 notes but somewhere around 77 ish I lost count and stopped around there. But I do know I posted up to 77 and then a few after that. I started at 9:30 am and ended about 5pm.

Where was the best one I will never forget?? I snuck into my counselor's office and stuck one on the bathroom mirror that said "You are Beautiful Just the way you Are!" in the woman's bathroom and then ran out the door without anyone seeing me. :) that was fun...I giggled in my car and texted a friend right away to share in the fun!

I stopped randomly in palces I had no intention of buying things just to place notes like Walmart, Michael's. Joann's Fabric, Big lots and other random stores...but other places I did run errands to like Target, Panera and Trader Joe's which by the way...I caught a woman coming out of TJ and a big smile was on her face when she came out and that was fun to see!

If you want to Make a Difference unconditionally, get yourself some post it notes and start leaving them whever you go and beleive me...it will make a difference in your day, because right now...I feel great! :)

No Comparing Art Journaling

I usually am not one to compare. I lived in California in Newport Beach for quite some time and lived and saw my world and others get sucked into the cycle of worrying about what others had or were doing and how it can ruin people.

As an artist it is SO, SO hard to not look at what I am doing or trying to do and then look at someone else's art and not get frustrated. I draw, I create I sketch, I ink, I paint, I do Graphic Design, I do so many things and have SO many talents, I usually am quite thankful for those gifts and don't fall into the "Compare" trap anymore.

Melody has said in the beginning for us not to compare ourselves to others in the class. To just create and just do the journals, etc. I hear myself saying "Yes,yes I know" and reaffirming myself to not compare and I do well, not comparing for the most part. I may see something here or there and think "Oh, wow, that's amazing, how did she do that?" I have been around people for years who are artists and more recently some amazing artists in the last 4 years who have taught me so much about gleaning from others not comparing.

But, I am human. It happened. I have been struggling So very much with my Art Journals and it is now week 5 and I was so frustrated that my journals are NOT art journals. I used to do Genealogy and have my Certification in Family History and did that for 10 years and also have grown up journaling as a form of history,m writing, getting the thoughts down, stories, etc. Then, in this class, Art Journaling has become a challenge and a new concept for me. I have heard of it before, but I have never been asked to do it. Now I was asked. I would see these amazing pages and unique ideas on Journal pages and I was still thinking, "Wow!" every time, but this time was different.

I have been reaching out and my friend Jane sent me some links and other Brave Girls sent links and I was researching and reading blogs and Googling like a mad woman about Art journaling. I went to Michaels and Hobby Lobby and Joann's and would beg the clerks to help me learn about this and ask for kits or books or anything that would help. After a week of being pointed to a scrapbook aisle continually, I was at my wit's end. One nice lady at joan's sent me to Archiver's where I found Glimmer Mist and Glimmer Screens. A new love and passion I now have added. I also thus on that day learned all about who Melody Ross really was and that made my classes more meaningful (I saw this though I thought I could not delve any deeper in my soul, guess what I could).

But all of that still wasn't enough. I signed up to received Balzer Design blogs and as I checked my email one day there sits a few images that struck me.

Today you Smiled was her photo  and there sits  an simple but very pretty journal. Then the next few down there was one with a Fashion like twist that said ENJOY and I thought, "Hmm that is very kewl, a bit of a challenge, but I might be able to pull that off."

But then, I hit this one...the one that starts the ears a flowing and I think the thought of COMPARE that I know I shouldnt' do...YELLOW HANDS and then I start crying. They are hands. that is it. Hands on the journals colored and then writing around it and I think ""That looks so cool and so simple, why didn't I think of that." So even worse I Mean Self Talked AND Compared!! I got so frustrated then those are the ones that REALLY get to me. the ones that I can glean and learn from, I have no issue with. But when it is right there, in front of my face and it is something that is simple, whether it be work, or at a function, or my business, or art...when it to me is like "DUH" moment, I get upset. "Why didn't I think of that?" If you could even remotely understand this, it breaks my heart. I feel less than, I feel silly, I feel stupid in fact and I know those are all lies because I know I am the opposite of all that. But, yet still, my tender, fragile, heart got hurt because of something I felt I lacked.

I was lucky enough that another artist I was discussing this with encouraged and reminded me that even great artists that I admire like Adam Hughes, Chad Spilker, Chris Rich Mc Kelvey and others will still look at other people's art and do the same thing. That we can't compare and we need to remember to learn from others and also that other's might be looking at us that way. Thank you for that. :)

So, I did learn from seeing Jane, a fellow Brave Girl say she was tearing out magazines for her journals and I did the same and did some massive art journaling today. Plus a truth card which is on my Truth card site as well. It takes time to get past all the hurdles I guess and even hurdles we don't think we have we might encounter so we need to be strong, remember our truths, not the lies, and no mean talk or comparing.

SR TRUTH~ We are all unique in our like!

I hope you enjoy my journals and Truth Card I made today!

The Voice Within

I was getting ready to go about my day today and this song really touched me. I was on my knees getting stuff out of my closet and just started crying. It really touched my heart. Lyrics are so powerful amd moving to me it amazes me. I usually ama person of many words, but this morning, I am going to let the lyrics talk...


The Voice Within Lyrics
Christina Aguilera

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it's alright
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:
When there's no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way
You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within


Young girl don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you're gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus
When there's no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way
You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know
(be strong)
You'll break it

(hold on)
You'll make it

Just don't forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can't do
No one can stop you, you know that
I'm talking to you

Chorus
Young girl don't cry I'll be right
here when your world starts to fall

Choices

When Melody was talking about Choices and what choices led us to where we are of course is my head I start thinking about songs...

Destiny by Katherine Mc Phee

God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

Where you are by Josh Groban

Dare You to Move Switchfoot

Unwritten by  Natasha Bedenfeld



This=This is what the Lesson is on this week. Meaning this is our equation. what choice equal what. Bliss Equal what in your life. Heartache equals what in your life and so on.

what if I hadn't made this choice? Where would I be? If I had chosen another way where would I be? I think of those books that have different choices in them when you were a kid. If you choose ending A go to page 5, if you choose ending b go to page 10. I was always that kid that would re-read the book over and over and try to see how the book would change if I chose different endings. but you know what would happen? I would end up getting lost in the story. I finally would give up and move on to something else. how true that is in my life now.

There are so many choices we can make in our life that lead us in one direction or another. There is also a choice to stay still and in the same spot and immovable. Sometimes that choice to be planted still can be a great thing and good for you. It build strength and solidarity. It helps you in your job to show you can be there for years to show stability. It can be good in a relationship. there are a lot of great things in that choice to stay and be still and be the same.

But the choice to stay, be the same, and continue along the same path expect different results-definition of insanity- that's what that is. That choice is crazy. That choice can make a person mad. that choice is unhealthy. That choice sometimes can be happening right in front of you and you not even see it. It could go one for years and you not see it. other people can see it. Other people are even holding mirrors up to your face but you are like a vampire that can't see your own reflections saying "What are you talking about, I don't see it?"

What wakes you up our of that or what is it that finally makes you see your own reflection? Truth Serum.

I don't know what else to call it. Brave Girls and Soul Restoration have filled me with Truths. So much so that those Truths gave me Strength. That strength was already there, Strong, Confidant, Powerful Patricia was here all the time she was just hiding out pleasing men and everyone else around her so much no one else saw it for awhile. In the last 5 weeks she has re-emerged and she DOES remember what it feels to be HOME and she WILL PROTECT it FIERCELY!!

IT is not easy to make choices that will hurt another. It is not easy to make choices that you know will hurt yourself in the moment, but in the long run, doing what is right is the best choice.

If the circumstances have not changed, the issues are still there, and the problems are not resolving, then it's time for a change. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Live in the moment. don't plan for tomorrow. Live for today. I am finally listening. No bridges are burning no tables are turning no tides are turning no waves are crashing. Just Keep Livin, Right? ;)

Sitting in my closet

I literally SAT in my closet today after I posted this video on Facebook. Then I called a friend. I haven't done that in awhile. In a very long while. Sat IN my closet. I thought it would be different. I thought I would be in a different place. 5 weeks in the class and I am feeling still spun. Not as spun as I was before but spun none the less. What is it that makes me feels like this when it comes to relationships?

Plus the class ending soon doesn't help.Week 5 and only one more week left. I really am saddened by this. I feel bittersweet. I love learning and growth. I want more. I want 10 or 20 more weeks. I need more internal healing. 6 weeks is not enough. I want to delve deeper into my soul. I want to learn more about me. I want to heal more. I am scared to let go of that too.

When it is time to let go, why is it so hard for us to just walk away?

I see visually in my mind a hand and fingers with another hand and fingers, both with each fingers barely touching each other neither wanting to let go of the other jsut touching the tip of the other...

that is what my life feels like ...

right now..

at this very moment

No More Mean Self Talk Beautiful You

This Truth is Dedicated to a Dear Brave Girl friend of Mine and she knows who she is. I will not name names because I feel that is private. But though this is dedicated to her, this IS also for me.

How many times to we talk down to ourselves? How many times do we make a mistake and then say mean things to ourselves for those mistakes? How may times do we think we are less than perfect or think we are less than Perfect? We talk Mean to ourselves so often and we would NEVER talk to others the way we talk to ourselves. When I saw this truth, at first I thought, Well, that isn't me, I don't do that. But then one of the Brave Girls posted this Perfect song in My Music and playlist folder and I thought, Hmm ok I need to be listening to my Truth Teller here and pull that Truth out and really listen.

I chose to do this on on a Journal page and not on a Truth card because for one, I have been struggling with my journal pages and I have yet to really share them a lot. So I am doing more of that. Two, my journal pages are very personal to me and something I look back on more often. I wanted to be able to look at this often and remember this. As I said, I also did this for my BG Friend.  As well, I wanted to dedicate the song to her. No more mean talk. She is perfect. god made us in his image and he did not make any mistakes.

I struggle with wanting to be prefect. Wanting to say the right thing, be the right thing, not put my foot in my mouth, not offend someone, not tick someone off, not be overbearing, not be too clingy, not desire too much attention, not need to be pandered to, or not want too much or need too much. I struggle with wanting to have the right hair, the right body type and not matter how much weight I lose or gain I feel I will never be perfect. I know I barely eat and I know this concerns my friends and family.

So you see, it doesn't matter -everyone's perception of themselves can be skewed. Someone once told me - it all matters with which the lens you are looking through. In that process, and through Soul Restoration we need to learn to accept ourselves for who we are and move on to dream big and amazing things. But we have to stop being so mean to ourselves.

This image I chose and I drew as a reminder of that. To me - this a a beautiful me. A fashion I drew - me no one else. And the words to remind us - No More Mean Talk. We are Perfect. Prefect Beautiful You and you and you...yeah...YOU ------------>  the ones reading this right now...I am talking to you too :)

Lyrics listed here


Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missunderstood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You’re perfect to me
You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You’re  perfect to me
The whole world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
String ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re
 perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
like you’re less then, perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel
like you’re nothing you are perfect to me

Love without expectations...

Have you ever watched Friends the TV show? Well, Whenever I think about this Truth I think about that show. The truth is

"Love without expecting anything in return..it feels really good."

But the things is,  is that truly really possible?

It is just like the show. Phoebe is trying to talk to them about doing a selfless good deed and she feels that there such things and Joey says there is no such thing. 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzQSEoNdGvk

That is how I feel about loving without expecting anything in return. is that possible? I don't think it is. One can try, but I think even if you really try somehow there is still a hope or prayer that you will receive something or that you will end up gaining something. Even if you really do expect nothing, the universe or karma will end up giving you something in return. You will receive love in return. So in some way you know that, so in some way you are expecting it.

So as much as you try to "Love without expecting anything in return" is there really a way to do it?

The Many Excuses, Moving On & Other Stuff

This week as I have said has been about Doing it Anyway. As you will see below there is a pile. A pile of Excuses. No these are not reasons. I was watching a show New Amsterdam on my Hulu this week to relax and the son said "That isn't a good reason" and I thought, Well,if it is a reason then perhaps but no it was not a good excuse.  As I was cutting all these excuses up it amazed me the thing we could come up with to get in our way. We let our past get in our way. We let past loves get in our way. We let our jobs get in our way. We let our family get in the way. We let our friends get i the way. We make excuses for everything. The choice is ours. Do It Anyway, whatever that IT may be or we don't. It IS that simple.

People I talk to say, "Oh, you don't understand. You don't live my life, you don't work a full time job, you don't have the burdens I do, you don't have the issues I do, and so on." No, you are right. I don't, I have my issues, but they are not any less than yours. You solely perceive them to be. That also is your right, though I do not beleive that to be true. You try to carry the burden of what I have been through in my life and wake up everyday. You try to put a smile on your face and make a difference in the lives of others. You try to look for freelance work, start a new business, make sure you kids are ok, send out resumes, send out emails, search on job boards, make phone calls for new clients constantly hearing "NO", having ex spouses make your life miserable year after year, and having to go through the same cycles of life over and over again no matter what you do. But no matter what, no matter what that pile of excuses down there is shouting at to me, no matter what it has told me, no matter what people have told me and beleive me I have had ex in laws tell me I was nothing, tell me I was worthless, tell me I would never amount to anything, that it would be better if I should checked myself into a hospital and stayed there and that I am a horrible mother and the best thing I could do for my children was to never show them who I was or to love them. Then to have other people in my life tell me to not go forward in my business ventures. That it would be a waste. That I would not succeed. That I would fail.For people tell me not to get married because I would fail at that too. One thing or another I have had someone push me down, berate me o tell me I couldn't do it. I have had more people tell me I would fail, not succeed or to give up hope than I have had those be on my side telling me go for it.

So you say to me, "You don't understand You don't live my life." You are correct. I don't. I live mine. I have lived mine and it has not been easy. But I Did it Anyway. I Got up Anyway. I Loved Anyway. I Danced Anyway. I Sang Anyway.  I Ice Skated Anyway. I did Gymnastics Anyway. I was in Bells Anyway.I Started a Band Anyway. I Modeled Anyway. I started Fashion Consulting Anyway. I started Fashion Designing Anyway. I Loved Anyway. I Got Married Anyway. I Broke Free Anyway. I Started a Business Anyway. I was Successful Anyway. I Hoped Anyway. I Loved My Kids Anyway. I Fought for them Anyway. I Survived Anyway. I Bought a Car Anyway. I Got a Keyboard Anyway. I am Learning Piano Anyway. I am Learning French Anyway. I Went to Europe Anyway. I Learned Spanish Anyway. I Believe Anyway. I am Happy Anyway. I Smile Anyway. I am Joyful Anyway. I am Cheery Anyway. I Try Anyway. I Believe in People Anyway. I Trust Anyway. I Believe in Love Anyway. I will Move On Anyway.

I DID IT ANYWAY AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT IS WHO I AM AND WHO I ALWAYS WILL BE! THE ME I WAS BORN TO BE!

Cut Out Excuses

More Excuses

My Truth book 2 Page Spread

Left Side

Right Side

 I wanted to show you some of my Journal pages. I have been having a hard time but finally broke free from the constraints of journaling to show what I could really do with my pages and here are a few examples. What is funny about this page is that I was watching a video recently called "Sunshine Cleaning" and she chants there mantras and then starts laughing and when I was doing this page I would just start cracking up. It is an inside joke, but I think I will forever look at this page and remember that movie and crack up!

Journal Page

Another Journal Page

 This one is kewl because it is a way to journal without having everything out in the open. You pasts down an envelope and write on another paper what you are feeling. Then put in the envelope the paper and then you still have in your journal the words but only you know what is inside and only you can see.

A way to hide something only you can see

A ready page

Another ready page

 This is my page showing my Weak Self and my Strong Self working Together!

Weak Self and Strong Self Journal Page

So all in all we are Doing It Anyway. Whatever it Takes. We are Moving on. One of the Girls posted this video in my Music and play lists folder and I thought it was fitting to add here. No matter what we need to jsut move on. Let go of the past. Let go of the excise and move on. quite holding onto to the excuses and the lies and quit claiming them as REASONS, they are not "reasons" they are excuses and lies and they are holding us down. Don't let them. 

DESPITE those excuses, DO IT ANYWAY...

Keep Moving On...

Moving On - Anyway

Loving the Life You Are in Anyway

So as you know this week we are talking about the "Anyway"

Doing it Anyway. Moving Forward Anyway. I decided to do a truth card today on loving the life you are in and all I could think of was adding Anyway. How many times do we care about what the other person has on teh other side of the fence? How many times do we try to keep up with the Jones's? how many times do we compare ourselves with others in our lives?

Rather, shouldn't we love the life we have? Look around you. I bet if you look, you have a lot to be thankful for. Sure I am sure you have a lot you could gripe about. don't we all. But stop looking at that and look at what you DO have.

Take me for example. Today, I don't have a migraine. YAY! Today, I have a card that works. Today, my kids are talking are talking to me. Today, I have money in my bank account. Today, I got papers about my new business. Today, things are good. Today, I love the life I am in.

Not ever day is great. I get that. I understand more than any person you could imagine. I have not had it easy. It may not be easy tomorrow. I am ready for that. But I love the life I am in today. I am loving that life, ANYWAY.

Despite the turmoil, despite the reasons why I shouldn't, despite the issues that come up, despite the excuses I could make, despite the setbacks that have happened, and despite the ones that still could happen. There is always going to be something, the is always going to be some excuse for why you can't do whatever it is you are trying to do and there will always be something that gets in your way.

Stop looking over the fence and the love the life YOU are in. Not the life someone ELSE is in.

Love the life you are in ANYWAY.

You'd be surprised what will happen once you do.