Nothing comes easily to me. Though I am sure people think otherwise.
Speaking does not come easily to me as I generally put my foot in my mouth, offend someone or hurt their feelings with my direct, honest to a fault, no filter Aspergers mouth.
While I am versed in many topics, even those are not easy for me because I can overwhelm others trying to share what I know and most think it sounds like verbal vomit.
Leadership does not come easily to me because of the Aspergers as well. As an Aspie, I don't get subtle clues. I don't understand underlining comments or suggestions. I need clear, direct boundaries and expectations told to me or I don't see it or know it which usually lands me in trouble, get scolded or chastised about.
Here are just a few ways in which you may see it in me...
Whatever you see, no matter who you talk to, remember, it may look easy, but that doesn't mean it is!
I am always unique, dynamic, different, audacious and phenomenal...in the beginning.
They want to to be around me.
They nearly want to devour me.
In the beginning.
Until they delve in deeper.
Then, those fateful words I hate to hear..."too much" or "you're a lot to take"
UGH. just stab me right now already.
I don't even remember a time when those words were NOT uttered.
I feel like I have heard them my whole life.
I am sure I havent' heard them 48 years, but let's say for realism, since I was 5 years old.
I remember a time when I was five years old, at my aunties table, arguing with a man about who should be president and why. Meaning no harm, teasing he said "you are too much. you are not a five year old, you must be a midget!" While he meant it as a compliment, I will ever forget it.
As I grew older, I was "too much" for my cousins to play with.
I was "too much" for the boys at school to consider dating.
In my twenties and thirties, I was "too much" for my spouses, friends and co-workers.
It wasn't until my forties that it was brought to my attention that I may have Aspergers.
In 2016 I was tested and not only that, but I am bi-polar too! WOW!
Well, that sure explains alot.
Hmm...I hear that phrase a lot too, come to think of it.
Just now I hear it when the time comes, that I end up having to explain to someone that I have Aspergers and meat no harm by what I said, or didn't understand because I have Aspergers, or I'm "a lot to take"
Now I am 48 years old.
I'm sick of explaining that to people.
A good friend recently told me, perhaps instead of explaining "Aspergers" explain the symptom and why it pertains to me and Aspergers. That is better perhaps, but the whole having to explain it is obnoxious. I am not the only Aspie that feels this way.
AS one article below says, the hard thing is that we, Aspies, always have to explain. But other's don't. It is our fault if we don't' understand, not yours for not explaining it clearly. It is our fault if we don't get the joke. It is our fault if we are rude, or unfiltered, not others for being fake or petty.
People don't realize how very hard it is to be an Aspie.
We have to walk on eggshells.
We always have to apologize.
We have to think twice as hard about what comes out of our mouths because most of the time it is too raw for others to hear, accept or understand.
We are the ones who lose friends because people just can't take us anymore.
And we are the ones we walk around with an invisible sign that sometimes we wish all to see that says "Yes, I am an ASPIE. I have Aspergers. I have High functioning Autism."
I have no filter
I think black and white
I don't get hints.
I often don't understand jokes.
Sarcasm is way over my head.
We take things, life and you as well as what you say for face value.
We struggle with emails and text because there is no facial expression or tone.
We are often like blind people having to try to read those expressions and tones and figure out what they mean.
Most have something else. I have Bi-Polar.
My pace and my way let me succeed.
Your way and your method generally does not.
We are not great with eye contact.
We take things literally.
WE infringe other comfort zones without realizing it
We are generally pretty damn smart
We often excel at things
We express love differently
We are not weird you are.
We are trying to understand.
Give us a little understanding.
Grant us a little compassion
In just a few days I will be on a plane to France. Not just Paris, but all of France. Before I left I wanted to get my book blog written. Oddly enough, as I was intending to write on the thing, something else totally popped up and I ended up writing about being called to a higher purpose
Having overcome Rape, Molestation, Death, Loss, Change, Self Harm, Anorexia, Addiction, Running Away, Homelessness, Suicide, CDIFF and Cancer (to name a few) I have developed my own mantra and the Four Pillars of Fabulousness that now I share with the world to offer you hope and a light at the end of your tunnel!
A keynote for Toastmasters TLI (Training Leadership Institutes) on Overcoming Challenges to Become the Best You by Trisha Trixie Hunter-Merrill "Author of Falling Into Fabulous: A Phoenix Rising.
Look me up Trisha Trixie or Falling Into Fabulous
When given the option of being fabulous, why would you choose anything else?
Thank you to Rheid Schloss for capturing this moment for me!
Published on Jul 21, 2018
Thank you Laria Lovec and Sarah Wolcott Beasley for giving me the opportunity to share my message.
My mouth hurts like no tomorrow. Partially my face feels bruised from them grabbing at me I think to pull the teeth. I had 18 and 31 removed because they had a bad infection in the back teeth and we considered a root canal but because of my past history with illness and infection, we opted to just have them pulled. My teeth were all mashed in my head anyway and this allows my teeth to move a bit and maybe rid me of some of my headaches too! The two teeth were both in the back on both sides. I am wearing a wrap just like the guy in the pic because both sides of my mouth hurt.
I am only on soft foods so HunePants went to the store and bought, cooked and mashed with a blender, mashed potatoes with milk and cheese. He also bought jello, pudding, and a twice baked potato in case I run out. He has checked on me every day in addition to taking a half day on Monday so I could get my teeth pulled.
He told me today "Honey, I am so proud of you for all the hard things you do. You are so brave and so strong and so willing to go through things that no one would ever want to, but you do them anyway and I know you are better for them."
We only have three weeks left before we got to France. I really wanted to enjoy my food and drink and goodies while in France. I did not want to miss out on yumminess because of a tooth infection. while I hate having to go through this pain and suffering, I knew, in the long run, this would be better for me. I mean, I have heard my teeth were pretty bad and the infection could have been there for some time affecting my body in other ways as well. Now, there is no more infection or issues with my teeth to get in the way.
You see chemo deteriorates the calcium, enamel and made those teeth worse. What I am learning, however, is that there was most likely an infection already there, but the chemo made it worse. This has been my year of this knowledge.
I am still waiting on biopsy tests but since I have heard, I feel no news must be good news. they already tested my kidneys, found I had a UTI, tested my cervix and did a biopsy there, nothing happened, now the endometrial biopsy. The first year of Cancer remission has been a lot of tests but a lot of ruling things out as well and so far everything is coming up roses, minus this tooth thing.
As far as the teeth, they are concerned about the two teeth near these two and think there could be cause for other issues, but I, like always, look to the positive.
We will deal with all that other crap when we get to it.
for now, heal the teeth and gums and mouth.
Get ready for France.
Momma is gonna be here soon to watch my furbabies.
Life is what it is.
Sometimes, we just need to to do hard things.
Here is a free coloring page for you with the saying "I can do hard things"
I love to color and thought maybe you do too.
Since I can't do much else today, maybe we'll all color.
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
(Sometimes it feels like everyone is expecting me to always be strong. Though I really want this at times it seems so hard to always be that person. Yes, I am strong. Yes, I am an overcomer. Yes, I am brave and courageous and I have overcome and endured much in my life. But I am still human and I still am not perfect and never claimed to be. )
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
(Sometimes we need to let go. Let go of the pain. Let go of the issue. Let go of the battle. Let go of the heartache. Let go of the pain. Let go and give it up to God, the universe or whatever, jsut let it go.)
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
(Remember though these times are when you fall into place, your world only FEELS like it is falling apart. For me, right now, I don't feel like my life is falling apart, however, I do feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can't do anything right and those around me are unhappy because of me. I remember this feeling. I don't like it. It generally stems from when I am doing things in an effort to follow the rules, do what is right, support my leaders, sustains them means following them and that doesn't mean we always agree. That also means that others may not like it when I am following my leaders because when you follow your leader, you generally are doing things right and that can mean success, advancement, achievement and recognition. Guess what, others don't like it when you succeed or get to where they can't or won't because fear or life or something keeps them from getting there. )
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
(Hold to the rod. Endure. Tolerate. Persevere. Overcome. These are reminders to me that I need to serve more, look outside of myself and look to see how I can help others. This is usually when I start thinking about how I am feeling and thinking about others and how they feel. Have others felt this way? Do others feel frustrated at times? Do others feel defeated even when they are doing everything right? Yes, I am sure there do. Do others feel like they have no one to talk to that would understand? Yes, again I am sure they have and do. )
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
(Remember IN the STORM is where you will find him. And wherever you are he will hold your heart. The storm is not an easy place to be, but if you stand in the eye of the storm you will see the most amazing beauty and peace. You have to keep going through. This is not the time or place to stop. Keep going. Do not let Satan or people or the universe or whatever it is you believe in. Keep moving forward. Be held by love. Be held by empathy. I have been where you are or have been. I was sent here to have empathy for you and for you. I endure for you. I was given the gift of empathy. To have empathy means you have to go through the storm to overcome it so you can tell others how you did it and maybe help them get through the storm too. Empathy means I have to have lived what you lived. I have to have gone through what you go through, so I can be there for you. This is my destiny. I honestly and truly believe it.)
Be strong my friends. You can do it. I beleive in you. I love you.
Ever since I have been "announced" Cancer free, I have been feeling less and less like me. Which as I am saying it makes me feel pretty silly. I knew things would be different. They, the doctors, the nurses, others who have had cancer, they all told me, "You're life ill never (emphasize NEVER) be the same. I thought, "Yeah but you don't know me" and then here I am.
Sad
Depressed
Feeling neglected
Feeling insecure
Feeling out of sorts
Just...feeling...not me.
Damn.
I don't want to just be another statistic.
I don't want to be like everyone else.
I want to be the overcomer
I want to be the one who rises above it all
THAT'S ME!! THATS WHO "I" AM!!
Damn it.
So frustrated right now I wanna scream!
I haven't shared on here for awhile and I came home tonight, from being with a group of girls all watching the Bachelor at one of the ladies home and the whole time I am sitting there, I am feeling completely insecure. I got in my car and cried all the way home.
The rational me says to myself "What the heck are you feeling insecure about? You are here with friends. You love them, they love you. You are safe"
You see, I did not feel safe. I did not feel validated for my words. I felt like I was in the wrong tribe.
I learned something tonight. In that group of women are a CORE group of fabulous ladies that I get along with and I adore them and love them. The other ladies, not my cup of tea. The external people just kept getting weirder and weirder and the more the other ladies spoke, the less I wanted to. and I had an epiphany.
You don't have to like your friend's FRIENDS. Simple as that.
Being kind and respectful is still desired.
I realized after tonight, some groups of people just are not healthy. As much as I love my friends, I just can't be with those other women.
I also realized, Cancer remission sucks.
I am struggling to overcome the lack of support.
It really is a struggle after you have been dealing with this battle, fighting and fighting and you have fought for so long you forgot to stop fighting. Then there is the fact that all through the battle, everyone is in your corner, people constantly telling you how much they love you and care for you and you can pick up the phone at any time and then when you hit cancer remission...
crickets...
I feel lonely.
I feel anxious.
I feel insecure.
I found some articles that explain and I am linking them here in case you, whoever might be reading this, might want to go check them out like I did.
This one was the first one I read and it hit home so hard, I cried again.
"Everything you're feeling right now is normal for cancer survivors. Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about your body — it's also about healing your mind." https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-survivor/art-20047129
Here are the other links if you want to check them out. They all say the same thing in different ways it seems to me, but all still worthy of reading.
