My Bucket List for Life is Shrinking

I don't have your normal kind of bucket list. I don't care if I go skiing or ziplining or skydiving. Sure they sound cool, but no that's not my list.

My list

Leave a Legacy of Love (Working on it)

Help others create a life they can fall in love with (working on it)

Traditional Toastmasters DTM achievement (Complete)

Complete Dynamic Leadership Path in Toastmasters (Complete)

Complete Pathways DTM (One path left)

Learn the Ukelele (Learning. I can play Let it be already!!)

Live a simple life (pretty close but I want even simplier)

Let others I know I love them (ongoing) 

To make a difference in the loves of others... Starfish Story (Done. Ongoing)

Inspire the World (Ongoing )

I told my therapist this today. I realized this. I feel at peace about whatever happens in my life. I know I've impacted lives. I will keep doing all I can to help others in this world, to inspire others, to make a difference.

The biggest of these is love.

All I can do now is to be the best human I can be♥️ to Leave a Legacy of love

Tough

I cried this morning for some time I don't know what came over me but I was sitting or actually lying in bed with my back hurting and my neck hurting with my arms feeling tense and my hands having neuropathy

Last night I was told I was tough and I was I was lying here in pain thinking about what that girl told me I realized it's not the first that I've ever been told that but what many don't realize and don't see is how hard it is to be tough. it's not easy. if it was easy everyone would do it. 

the reality in authenticity of the situation is...

I get tired of being tough. Period. End of sentence.

It's been tough all my life. I feel like I've been tough since I was 8 years old but at that time until I was 41,v I was building my toughness. I was getting stronger and stronger each day I just didn't know it because when I was younger before I went through my life transformation at 41, people did not call me tough, they called me fragile.. so concerned that I would break, so sensitive, so tender, so something and if I wasn't so something I was too much.

People don't get tough because life was easy for them. they get tough because life is hard and it sucked and they may have always been tough but they could have been like me so fragile like a china doll, like a porcelain doll, so tender she could break in any minute and at times she did. she was in a mental hospital. she tried to commit suicide twice. there were times that it was really hard for her and she couldn't even get out of bed.

You know that a person had a tough life when they say things like that.

ill be 50 next year if I make it that long and I'm just so very tired of being tough.

Cancer, even having cancer twice, is only the most recent trial I've had.

 I thought that when I left my life of drama I would leave my life of trials.

Little did I know that's not how reality works.

On top of everything else I've had to deal with in my life by the time cancer came around I almost wrote it off to one more trial I'll handle this just like I handle the rest of them brave bold fearless and Fabulous.

I don't mind being tough. I find it to be quite a compliment because I know how hard my life is been and I know how hard it was to get me to this point where I wasn't fragile anymore.

I'm  not fragile anymore... I'm just tired.

 I'm just tired of being tough

To the Humans of the World about Cancer Patients

Dear humans of the world,

A cancer patient is a fragile person. They can also be a strong person. They can be afraid. They can be fearless. You never know which type of cancer patient you are dealing with. It could even be the same person on a different day. Please be careful what you say to them in person and especially online. Online, we can't see your face. We don't know your tone. Are you being sarcastic or serious, are you just upfront or are you being rude? Maybe you are just trying to be really, authentic and honest. We have no clue.

Cancer is real. It is not something people would lie about, generally. Sadly some do. They ruined our image online and off. But those are a few select people. Please don't assume we are lying. It hurts us. It is hard to want to fight for your life when the world is jaded. We wonder, what are we fighting for here?!

And, please stop being a Google doctor or telling us all the things we should do or aren't doing. We have more doctors on our team than you can imagine. Pcp, oncologist, internist, rectal doctor, surgeon, PA, nurses, cancer care team from United Health Care, a liaison nurse, therapist, herbalist, acupuncturist, reiki healer not to mention dentist, eye doctor, and others who are all watching out for us and concerned for us because cancer and chemo affects all those above things too.

Lastly, please please please don't tell us that by choosing to do chemotherapy that we are choosing to die or that we are slowly killing ourselves.  Many of us struggled with the decision and honestly every time I do it I don't want to do it but my husband asked me the first time I had cancer to do it because he had just married me a year before and this time he told me my chances are better than if I don't and he loves me so much that he wants me to do everything I can to stay on this Earth a little while longer... how do you say no to a man who says something like that to you?  When your partner asks you to do chemo because he loves you so much and he doesn't want to let you go yet how do you say no!

 You all say to yourselves, just as I did, I would never do chemo if I had cancer but when you have cancer and you're faced with the odds and you're faced with a situation it's a whole different story, my friends!! 

It also is a whole different story about how we eat, what we take and how we take care of ourselves. Many of us are on plant-based diets or keto diets or just doing anything we can with our hair products our home products to make sure it isn't OUR fault, even if by default or lack of knowledge, because once we find out we have Cancer we learn that what we put ON our bodies and what we put IN our bodies matters and believe me, we are doing everything we can. Anything you have to say, just hurts not helps when you are like that.

So, what do we want? What can you tell us? What should you say to us or can you say? How can you help what can you do? These are the things you can do:

Reach out to us from time to time

Send us memes or GIFs

Send us cards or small little gifts or things that might make a smile

Take us out to lunch sometime come over and see us

Offer to take us to chemo or give us rides to places

Don't treat us like we're broken or fragile we are still here we're still humans and when you talk to us like we're a baby or that we might fall apart it degrades us even more gives us a harder reason to fight

At the same time don't be rude or disrespectful to us if at all possible because we are fighting a harder battle than you probably ever could imagine and to deal with anger, frustration, rudeness, toxic people and people who are not sincere is severely harder for us each day because all too often it's so hard to stay strong and many give up and lose their will to live,so, please don't be the one to push us over the edge and give up altogether.

Overall, be a good human.

Most of all...

Ask us what we want. It's that simple.

And when we tell you, please honor that and help us to achieve those wants and goals and respect us by supporting our choices and desires. 

Be there for us unconditionally in our good times and in bad times and our good days and our bad days because believe me, even the most nicest caring person can still get fed up frustrated and lash out without meaning to.

We are fighting for our lives after all.

Humans of the world, what can you do for us cancer patients?

You can love us, support us, give us hope and just give us a reason to smile and fight and keep fighting until we win and until we keep the evil cancer at bay and can feel safe again to roam the Earth.

~xoxo

Hugs and kisses and fairytale wishes

Then Cancer Returned in 2019

I looked back at when and what I wrote in my last posts. Now here is the odd part...

The week after I wrote those posts in January of 2019 this year, I found out my Colon Cancer came back. Since then, just like last time, it has been a whirlwind. They found a tumor the size bigger than a grapefruit in my ovaries. We thought it was ovarian cancer so we were told to go to a Gynelogical oncologist. He removed the tumor and I had a hysterectomy removing everything. The tumor had leaked into my abdomen and inflated my belly. While in surgery they did a biopsy and found it was colon cancer. AGAIN. I healed from surgery and then had a PETSCAN. That revealed I still have cancer in my pelvis and abdomen. No surprise there if the cancer was leaking in those areas but not what I wanted to hear.



I started chemo right away.

This is all so different than last time.

This time I am taking Irinotecan, Avastin, 5Fu, Leucovorin. That's my new cocktail.
That's what the doctors and nurses call it. Either way, it sucks. This time I have a higher chance of losing my hair. This time I have different side effects, yet some are the same.  This time it is different but the same.

I have had two treatments now and I will tell you, this time the chemo is kicking my ass. I have been queasy all week. Even now. I hate that. Chemo really wreaks havoc on your body and sadly your mind as well.

I'm awake now because I am afraid to go to sleep.

Which is odd because when I think if I will die, I feel ok with it. I feel like I am a good human. I feel like I left a good legacy. But yet, still afraid. Maybe that is just being a human as well.

I am supposed to do chemo until August. There is a lot left unsaid, unknown.

Metastatic Colon Cancer is vengeful, aggressive, scary as hell and the chances of surviving are 14%!!

That is because this tumor was called a Krukenburg Tumor in my ovaries and the fact that it was a distant site is not good.

I am still being me.

I am brave.

I am courageous.

Sometimes I am very sad.

Sometimes I am happy.

Sometimes I am just here.

Sometimes I sit and my closet and cry late at night so I don't bother my spouse, who is still trying to work, provide for me, caregiver to me and be there for me.

Sometimes I cry in the shower while listening to inspirational music.

Sometimes I am numb.

Sometimes I am pissed and angry as hell at this cancer coming back.

No matter what, I am always me.

I do not know the future of my world.

I am focusing on my next book "Always Wear Peals: Living Life with Style and Grace"

I even started a FB group for it for me to place my thoughts and encourage others to do the same no matter what they are fighting.

I thought my next book would be directly about cancer, but something in me changed.

Perhaps cancer itself.

It can do that.

It really matters to me to "Inspire the World" and I felt this book could inspire more people. Especially women.

Life will pull the rug out from underneath you when you least expect it. Handling that with style and grace is something I work on doing daily. I aspire to be like Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe one day someone will "aspire" to be like me. Maybe I can give them hope in the darkness. Maybe I can teach them how to be a positive influence in the world. Maybe I can be a role model for them. Maybe I already have been.

Maybe, this is just another struggle I need to Fall Into Fabulous for.

Maybe this is why my cancer returned. Maybe you need to live vicariously through me. Maybe you can't handle the trials but I can. maybe by me going through it, you are growing, learning, becoming. Maybe I am here to learn. maybe I am here to teach by example. Maybe I need to be there for you.

As I said on Facebook, if that is the case, I gladly will. Because I love you. Humans of the World. Yes, you. I love you and I would do anything for you.

xoxo ~Trixie

Emotional Nightmare and Dreams

I had the most intense dream/nightmare last night. I was running, being chased by bullies and they had a German shepherd dog. They let the dog loose and I ran into an old house and yelled at my husband to put on pants because I needed him to protect me. I could see him vividly in the kitchen our retro home, which is rare in my dreams. He quickly got dressed and was coming to my aid.

The dog stood on my porch growling fiercely at me and the bullies were on the sidewalk and I turned and tightly grabbed the screen door and started chanting curses at the dog and the bullies to be removed from my home and off my property and many other curses I don't remember. In the middle of my nightmare, my spouse woke me saying I was crying in real life and whimpering.

I got up, went to the bathroom, turned on lights drank water everything I could do to wake up. I went back to sleep and ended up back in my dream but it was slightly different.


I was still in the house but things were different. It was like someone moved in. I called my mom and she told me this friend of ours may have rented it without her permission. She was upset about this gal doing this, and would talk to her. It was not her right to rent it but I was not sure if that is what really happened.

Then I  could hear something, I went upstairs and there was water leaking all through the house, there were two sets of stairs and both had rotted out in the center and I had to climb on the side to get around the leak. As soon as I started looking for the leak, it stopped. I never found out where the leak was coming from, but it stopped. Behind a closet door I found a squatter hiding in my house with a small child, a boy I think. We spoke briefly and then they ran out. The rest of the house was destroyed like it was being used for a crack house or something.

Later she came back and gave me the keys. She was very nervous and almost ran. I asked her to wait and then told her I already had new locks on the door but thank you for bringing back the keys. I asked her where she was staying since she left the house. She said a hotel with her and her son. He was very young, I remember that. I asked her to come in and told her I was not going to call the cops I was just worried about her and her son and how they were. She got her son and they both came in the house. We talked and I hugged her and I ended up befriending her.

I remember my spouse nearby again but this time his face was not so visible.

Another weird thing is I called a male friend of mine who is usually my photographer in Iowa to come to fix the leak. That was also very odd. This person does represent someone I trust and I know he cares for me.

My spouse said as I relayed all this he thinks maybe I was projecting in my dream that I was in trouble and that is why he woke up to wake me up.

When I looked these all up in dream interpretations it all relates to feeling like people you trust are against you. The leak is emotional leaks in your life. The people are people you know you can trust.
The dog represents fear and the feeling of being attacked. All together it relates to stress and I have been very stressed out lately because of certain thing happening in an area of my life I put lots of stock into.

I am curious to know what my therapist says about all this when I see him this week and welcome any other thoughts you, who may be reading this, may have. Just please be considerate and watch how you say it.

also I have been having sever stomach issues lately and if you know anything about Mind Body connection, you would understand this all relates.

Another thing I think of is Melody ross and Brave Girls. She talks alot about protecting your soul house and so I think I will look into watching some of those videos again and reconnecting with that part of me.

I am off to go spend time with a friend that I know loves me and cares for me and have some girl time.

Thanks for reading

Remember who you wanted to be

I have wanted to get back to my writing for some time now. Of course, life gets in the way. Toastmasters now takes up more o my time and I find myself trying to fit in my business with Toastmasters, not the other way around. We are nearing the end of January and recent events have helped me to see that I need to alter this point of view.

While Toastmasters is a great leadership organization full of people it is full of people. Not everyone is going to be nice, kind or respectful. Trying to explain why I feel a lack of respect to others has been a moot point.

I got to thinking, why is that?

#1 they are not me.

They have not been through what I have been through. They have not overcome toxic people and dealt with people trying to shame me all my life. They have not had the trials and adversities I have. They have not walked a mile in my shoes.

They have not had to overcome what I have. Death, Loss, Rape, molestation, self-harm, abuse, addiction...cancer. Maybe one or two have had to deal with one or two of these things, but I have yet to meet anyone who had all the same as me.

I am a unicorn.

I know I am.

I am unique and different. Not just because I was made that way, but because I became that way.

I knew in each of these trials in my life I had a choice.

1- crawl under the covers and retreat and do not face the world. Is that you? Is that what you are doing right now while reading this?

2-Overcome. WAke up and realize not everyone is bad. Not everyone is mean. Not everyone is hurtful. Maybe this is you.

Or maybe you are caught in the in-between. Wanting to overcome, wanting to be better, wanting to be happy and wanting to change.

While yes, I have tools, a book, a workbook and so on, this is not where I am going to sell them to you. You have to find them and maybe you will find mine.


This is a place for me to vent, to get out those evil thoughts I just can't keep in my head anymore.

This is a place where I want you to know that you are not alone.

I have been where you are.

We as humans have the ability to adapt and overcome.

Let's make 2019 the year where we both make that happen.

XOXO Trisha Trixie