Dear humans of the world,
A cancer patient is a fragile person. They can also be a strong person. They can be afraid. They can be fearless. You never know which type of cancer patient you are dealing with. It could even be the same person on a different day. Please be careful what you say to them in person and especially online. Online, we can't see your face. We don't know your tone. Are you being sarcastic or serious, are you just upfront or are you being rude? Maybe you are just trying to be really, authentic and honest. We have no clue.
Cancer is real. It is not something people would lie about, generally. Sadly some do. They ruined our image online and off. But those are a few select people. Please don't assume we are lying. It hurts us. It is hard to want to fight for your life when the world is jaded. We wonder, what are we fighting for here?!
And, please stop being a Google doctor or telling us all the things we should do or aren't doing. We have more doctors on our team than you can imagine. Pcp, oncologist, internist, rectal doctor, surgeon, PA, nurses, cancer care team from United Health Care, a liaison nurse, therapist, herbalist, acupuncturist, reiki healer not to mention dentist, eye doctor, and others who are all watching out for us and concerned for us because cancer and chemo affects all those above things too.
Lastly, please please please don't tell us that by choosing to do chemotherapy that we are choosing to die or that we are slowly killing ourselves. Many of us struggled with the decision and honestly every time I do it I don't want to do it but my husband asked me the first time I had cancer to do it because he had just married me a year before and this time he told me my chances are better than if I don't and he loves me so much that he wants me to do everything I can to stay on this Earth a little while longer... how do you say no to a man who says something like that to you? When your partner asks you to do chemo because he loves you so much and he doesn't want to let you go yet how do you say no!
You all say to yourselves, just as I did, I would never do chemo if I had cancer but when you have cancer and you're faced with the odds and you're faced with a situation it's a whole different story, my friends!!
It also is a whole different story about how we eat, what we take and how we take care of ourselves. Many of us are on plant-based diets or keto diets or just doing anything we can with our hair products our home products to make sure it isn't OUR fault, even if by default or lack of knowledge, because once we find out we have Cancer we learn that what we put ON our bodies and what we put IN our bodies matters and believe me, we are doing everything we can. Anything you have to say, just hurts not helps when you are like that.
So, what do we want? What can you tell us? What should you say to us or can you say? How can you help what can you do? These are the things you can do:
Reach out to us from time to time
Send us memes or GIFs
Send us cards or small little gifts or things that might make a smile
Take us out to lunch sometime come over and see us
Offer to take us to chemo or give us rides to places
Don't treat us like we're broken or fragile we are still here we're still humans and when you talk to us like we're a baby or that we might fall apart it degrades us even more gives us a harder reason to fight
At the same time don't be rude or disrespectful to us if at all possible because we are fighting a harder battle than you probably ever could imagine and to deal with anger, frustration, rudeness, toxic people and people who are not sincere is severely harder for us each day because all too often it's so hard to stay strong and many give up and lose their will to live,so, please don't be the one to push us over the edge and give up altogether.
Overall, be a good human.
Most of all...
Ask us what we want. It's that simple.
And when we tell you, please honor that and help us to achieve those wants and goals and respect us by supporting our choices and desires.
Be there for us unconditionally in our good times and in bad times and our good days and our bad days because believe me, even the most nicest caring person can still get fed up frustrated and lash out without meaning to.
We are fighting for our lives after all.
Humans of the world, what can you do for us cancer patients?
You can love us, support us, give us hope and just give us a reason to smile and fight and keep fighting until we win and until we keep the evil cancer at bay and can feel safe again to roam the Earth.
~xoxo
Hugs and kisses and fairytale wishes
Monday, April 01, 2019
Then Cancer Returned in 2019
I looked back at when and what I wrote in my last posts. Now here is the odd part...
The week after I wrote those posts in January of 2019 this year, I found out my Colon Cancer came back. Since then, just like last time, it has been a whirlwind. They found a tumor the size bigger than a grapefruit in my ovaries. We thought it was ovarian cancer so we were told to go to a Gynelogical oncologist. He removed the tumor and I had a hysterectomy removing everything. The tumor had leaked into my abdomen and inflated my belly. While in surgery they did a biopsy and found it was colon cancer. AGAIN. I healed from surgery and then had a PETSCAN. That revealed I still have cancer in my pelvis and abdomen. No surprise there if the cancer was leaking in those areas but not what I wanted to hear.
I started chemo right away.
This is all so different than last time.
This time I am taking Irinotecan, Avastin, 5Fu, Leucovorin. That's my new cocktail.
That's what the doctors and nurses call it. Either way, it sucks. This time I have a higher chance of losing my hair. This time I have different side effects, yet some are the same. This time it is different but the same.
I have had two treatments now and I will tell you, this time the chemo is kicking my ass. I have been queasy all week. Even now. I hate that. Chemo really wreaks havoc on your body and sadly your mind as well.
I'm awake now because I am afraid to go to sleep.
Which is odd because when I think if I will die, I feel ok with it. I feel like I am a good human. I feel like I left a good legacy. But yet, still afraid. Maybe that is just being a human as well.
I am supposed to do chemo until August. There is a lot left unsaid, unknown.
Metastatic Colon Cancer is vengeful, aggressive, scary as hell and the chances of surviving are 14%!!
That is because this tumor was called a Krukenburg Tumor in my ovaries and the fact that it was a distant site is not good.
I am still being me.
I am brave.
I am courageous.
Sometimes I am very sad.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I am just here.
Sometimes I sit and my closet and cry late at night so I don't bother my spouse, who is still trying to work, provide for me, caregiver to me and be there for me.
Sometimes I cry in the shower while listening to inspirational music.
Sometimes I am numb.
Sometimes I am pissed and angry as hell at this cancer coming back.
No matter what, I am always me.
I do not know the future of my world.
I am focusing on my next book "Always Wear Peals: Living Life with Style and Grace"
I even started a FB group for it for me to place my thoughts and encourage others to do the same no matter what they are fighting.
I thought my next book would be directly about cancer, but something in me changed.
Perhaps cancer itself.
It can do that.
It really matters to me to "Inspire the World" and I felt this book could inspire more people. Especially women.
Life will pull the rug out from underneath you when you least expect it. Handling that with style and grace is something I work on doing daily. I aspire to be like Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe one day someone will "aspire" to be like me. Maybe I can give them hope in the darkness. Maybe I can teach them how to be a positive influence in the world. Maybe I can be a role model for them. Maybe I already have been.
Maybe, this is just another struggle I need to Fall Into Fabulous for.
Maybe this is why my cancer returned. Maybe you need to live vicariously through me. Maybe you can't handle the trials but I can. maybe by me going through it, you are growing, learning, becoming. Maybe I am here to learn. maybe I am here to teach by example. Maybe I need to be there for you.
As I said on Facebook, if that is the case, I gladly will. Because I love you. Humans of the World. Yes, you. I love you and I would do anything for you.
xoxo ~Trixie
The week after I wrote those posts in January of 2019 this year, I found out my Colon Cancer came back. Since then, just like last time, it has been a whirlwind. They found a tumor the size bigger than a grapefruit in my ovaries. We thought it was ovarian cancer so we were told to go to a Gynelogical oncologist. He removed the tumor and I had a hysterectomy removing everything. The tumor had leaked into my abdomen and inflated my belly. While in surgery they did a biopsy and found it was colon cancer. AGAIN. I healed from surgery and then had a PETSCAN. That revealed I still have cancer in my pelvis and abdomen. No surprise there if the cancer was leaking in those areas but not what I wanted to hear.
I started chemo right away.
This is all so different than last time.
This time I am taking Irinotecan, Avastin, 5Fu, Leucovorin. That's my new cocktail.
That's what the doctors and nurses call it. Either way, it sucks. This time I have a higher chance of losing my hair. This time I have different side effects, yet some are the same. This time it is different but the same.
I have had two treatments now and I will tell you, this time the chemo is kicking my ass. I have been queasy all week. Even now. I hate that. Chemo really wreaks havoc on your body and sadly your mind as well.
I'm awake now because I am afraid to go to sleep.
Which is odd because when I think if I will die, I feel ok with it. I feel like I am a good human. I feel like I left a good legacy. But yet, still afraid. Maybe that is just being a human as well.
I am supposed to do chemo until August. There is a lot left unsaid, unknown.
Metastatic Colon Cancer is vengeful, aggressive, scary as hell and the chances of surviving are 14%!!
That is because this tumor was called a Krukenburg Tumor in my ovaries and the fact that it was a distant site is not good.
I am still being me.
I am brave.
I am courageous.
Sometimes I am very sad.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I am just here.
Sometimes I sit and my closet and cry late at night so I don't bother my spouse, who is still trying to work, provide for me, caregiver to me and be there for me.
Sometimes I cry in the shower while listening to inspirational music.
Sometimes I am numb.
Sometimes I am pissed and angry as hell at this cancer coming back.
No matter what, I am always me.
I do not know the future of my world.
I am focusing on my next book "Always Wear Peals: Living Life with Style and Grace"
I even started a FB group for it for me to place my thoughts and encourage others to do the same no matter what they are fighting.
I thought my next book would be directly about cancer, but something in me changed.
Perhaps cancer itself.
It can do that.
It really matters to me to "Inspire the World" and I felt this book could inspire more people. Especially women.
Life will pull the rug out from underneath you when you least expect it. Handling that with style and grace is something I work on doing daily. I aspire to be like Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe one day someone will "aspire" to be like me. Maybe I can give them hope in the darkness. Maybe I can teach them how to be a positive influence in the world. Maybe I can be a role model for them. Maybe I already have been.
Maybe, this is just another struggle I need to Fall Into Fabulous for.
Maybe this is why my cancer returned. Maybe you need to live vicariously through me. Maybe you can't handle the trials but I can. maybe by me going through it, you are growing, learning, becoming. Maybe I am here to learn. maybe I am here to teach by example. Maybe I need to be there for you.
As I said on Facebook, if that is the case, I gladly will. Because I love you. Humans of the World. Yes, you. I love you and I would do anything for you.
xoxo ~Trixie
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