Time for a Breath

Today I took time to breathe today.

 I stopped making Masks early and lied down on the bed and rested with my back on a heating pad listening to my Governor as he told us about recent updates.

 I take an edible and grab my vape pen with Indica in it and THC and take a few puffs.

I stretch out my body and tilt my head to listen to the governor to speak his words.

 I could feel myself drifting off once in a while and coming back to reality... a reality that is like no other I've ever known in my life and I've been through some pretty hard shit but this is so different.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream or I'm in a movie like I'm in an episode of Star Trek, twilight zone, or something from an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

It's a great story but you think no way could that really happen but it did and it is and this is no dream and this is no nightmare it just is what it is.

It's a storm just like every other storm.

It's hard in the beginning then you eventually realize you're in the middle and maybe have hope and start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and if you can't see it the best thing to do is to become the light for others.

Be brave enough to guide others through face your fears and help others face theirs.

Be the leader of the pack if you need to and let others grab onto your coattails feeling safer behind you if need be.

It's okay, you cannot always be the follower it's okay to not always be the leader.

Sometimes the crisis calls for a leader and my mother raised me the stand up for what's right to help those in need and less fortunate than me and to always have hope for the future and if you can't have hope be the hope for someone else.

However, always reminding yourself that you can't fill a well from an empty cup and if you fall apart you can't help others if you're the one who needs help

Take time to take a breath you deserve it

Trixie

Covid Journaling

Many people have suggested that during these times, especially that we journal or write things down and I have been going so hard and fast sewing masks and doing videos and FB lives and such that I forgot.

Tonight, when I was finally at my wit's end of frustration and started to breathe again, I pulled out the laptop and started typing my thoughts. It felt good.

I forget about this outlet, this blog so many times lately.

I really think I need to get back to it, esp now while all of us are going through so much right now.

I know I have followers who read my blog and some know me and some don't but I think you wouldn't be following me unless we connect somehow. Something I said, hit a note and you clicked follow.

I take that to mean that If I am feeling something or going through something, you might be too. If not, you might have empathy for another person going through something and see your life differently.

This blog is my outlet, but I share it with the world.

We will get through the Covid crisis together and maybe reading each other's blogs again will help us go back to a time when we used to do blog hops and instead of sitting in front of FB reading garbage, maybe we will read each other's copvid journaling and find a common ground.

Saving the world is a bit overwhelming

That was an interesting last 20 minutes of my life, crying in my closet, all the lights off, listening to music, just balling. Looking back I shake my head in wonder and ask myself, "What was that all about?"

One thing kind of made me crack tonight.

For the third time this week, someone said to me "You are making me feel bad."

First, let me say I hate that saying because no one can MAKE you feel bad. You feel bad because something the person is saying to you triggered something in you that you feel bad about. That person did NOT make you feel bad.

Second, it was that final piece you add to the house of cards that makes it all come tumbling down.

Let me explain,

As of this weekend, I have now made over 1000 handsewn masks for my local community.

I was able to do that because of my new community of friends I have made on NEXTDOOR.

I am tired, I am worn, I am doing all I can to help the community. I might be a little on edge and I might not always say things correctly.

That does not mean I MADE someone feel bad.

I don't want people to feel bad for things I say but I do realize I can't control how they take it.

The overwhelm came from a simple waffle I was looking forward to eating, in my opinion, getting ruined because it was no longer crispy it was now soggy. I said something about how it was put away and why it was soggy and how sad I was that I felt it was ruined. Of course, the person, who was trying to be helpful by putting them away now feels bad and it's my fault.

The thing is, I know from experience, it really had nothing to do with te waffle.

It had to do with the fact that in our current situation, staying at home, not getting many pleasures, we find pleasures in the little things, and that was a pleasure I was looking forward to after working so hard lately. When it wasn't right, I was disappointed.

I never feel like I am allowed to say that though. The minute I say I am disappointed someone tells me I made them feel bad,

Why am I not allowed to express myself! GRR. So frustrating.

So, I think, after a long MONTH of sewing so many masks, and in this week had to deal with a broken serger, a backlog of orders I had to use critical thinking to figure out how to leverage my new NextDoor friends who have been helping me, to find a workaround, and luckily I did, but all that brainpower to do all that and deal with people unhappy about a FREE mask they gave a donation for and of course, I being me, try to fix it, thus creating more work for myself, and do the dishes daily and the laundry weekly and cook and clean and try to save the world...well

Saving the world is a bit overwhelming!

To say the least.

I do videos to inspire and encourage others to think positive, I answer phone calls of people who are struggling, I help people figure out Zoom who are trying to run meetings, I help my friends by trying to think of ways they can make money and survive during this crisis and maybe update or make a website for them to help them, I sew masks and donate masks to the grocery store, my cancer center, other patients at the cancer center I think of, and take care of my apartment complex community, and I volunteer for MasksNow trying to help them with promotion and I manage my FB groups to help others move forward in their lives, (too many groups to mention) and I sew and sew and sew.

I feel like I was saved from cancer twice for a reason. A big part of that is giving back or paying it forward. All that I am doing now I feel is doing that. I was saved for this time in my life. I went through all I did in life so I was ready for this moment in our life. I truly feel like if anyone understands storms of life and how to get through them and stay positive through them and help others while going through them, especially the ones you cant control, is me.

That's how you save the world.

You save the world by being the best human you can be.

That's what I strive for. To be the best human I can be.

I am still human.

I make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like people forget I am human.

In that humanness, I also get overwhelmed by doing my part in saving the world.

Then I get sensitive.

Then I crack.

Then I break down and cry in my closet for 20 minutes.

When I am done.

When I have let those tears flow and sobbed and balled and let my emotions truly pour out of me, though it sounds sad to hear someone cured for 20 minutes in their closer, it really is therapeutic and healing.

Saving the world IS a bit overwhelming, but I would not stop doing anything I am going because I know it is making a difference and leaving a legacy of love and that's all that matters to me.