This life that I love, I realize is not mine. I was gifted a place in this world. I was born into struggle and overcame it with pride. Since I was a baby, I have always had the biggest smile. I am glad that at a near 52, I still have my smile. The world has not been easy for me, but come on, let's face it, this world really hasn't been easy for any of us. We all think our life, our struggles, our issues are the ones that have the most weight or the most value. Yet we forget the value of other lives who need us.
Let us not forget to respond to those text messages we receive from someone that may seem like meaningless jabber or could be yet another text you have received from them, another question or comment, perhaps one more picture that we really could care less about...yet...who knows, that text could be the last communication you end up having with them. I never thought I would be the one to say "I lost my friend to suicide" but sadly, I am. We were texting just not that long ago. I was promoting my businesses like I always do. He responded to my email with a text. "Looks like you have some new things going on?" Then he proceeded to tell me about all of the things that were going on in his life that it seemed he was finally happy about. Little did I know those were the things weighing on his mind. He mentioned a possibility of buying some land in Arizona and I was so excited since I would be in AZ very soon and maybe we could see each other. He asked me if it was for a conference... he asked me about me and Hunepants... I didn't respond. I was busy, at an event and thought "I'll message him when I get home" but then life happened and I got busy again and I didn't get back to him. Someone else texted me, life happened again and a week or so went by until an email landed in my inbox from him but once opened it, I read...it was NOT him....for he had ended his life. I have never had "Survivor Guilt" for my cancer because I know cancer takes people away too fast and I know that is not my fault. I also have not and am not a "Survivor" since I still have Stage 4 Cancer. I will tell you however, I do have guilt for not getting back to my dear friend. I know I shouldn't. I know it's not my fault. I know all the logical reasons that go with the reality that my friend took his life far away from me and there was nothing I could do. I still feel like,"what if..." What if I just would have gotten back to him? What if I just would have picked up the phone and called him? What if, I had emailed him back or texted him back...what if? This is why being a starfish saver means so much to me. He even had said in his text "How are you my starfish?" And you know what? I didn't even notice he said that until I went back through his text looking for clues. I know I often put on a happy face but honestly, since he passed I have been up and down. I had to get out of the house this Tuesday cuz I have been feeling so sad since his passing. Then another friend shared with me that she was in a very dark place. I told her about my friend and said, "Listen, You are not alone. You do not have to go through life alone. You have me. I will never know what my other friend took his life but if there is anything and I mean ANYTHING I can do to spare yours, please let me be there for you." Of course, that sent us both into tears and after she left I cried again. I know I can't help everyone. I know sometimes people forget to answer their texts or life gets in the way, just like it did for me. I never will know truly why he took his life. Yet a week before we were chatting online and texting. Then he was gone. I knew him from years back when his life was extremely hard and so was mine. It is hard for me to fathom that his life was so much harder NOW than it was then, but the reality is, we do not know what makes people SNAP or BREAK or fall apart. I do know one thing... Far too often we look at our strong friends and think they already have plans, or they don't need anybody, or perhaps we think they are holding it together really well. Really, honestly, they are the ones that need your love the most. Far too often they are holding up so many other people that they forget to hold themselves up. My heart is still so sad and grieves more than you know for this person who was in my life, who was my friend. I don't like the fact that I do actually know someone who took their life. I can't even imagine the family or the partner how they are holding up because I am distant to all this and it is just heartbreaking to me! If I have learned anything so far from this experience it is to be there when others call, never let words go for too long unspoken, and a reminder that to one man, I was his Starfish that he saved and made a difference to me and now I get the be the Starfish Saver to others.
Thank you William Snider for saving this Starfish. I just wish I could have returned the favor. Many blessings, peace and love to your family. May they hopefully know what a wonderful man you were and I pray and hope that you are finally free from the internal jail you were suffering from.
Namaste. <3
Love your earthly friend,
Trisha
