A Whole New World and Me in a Corner trying to learn Datingese

I am back in a new world. A whole new world. The dating world. It is this world of cues and handshakes, signals and subtleties. I feel like I am in a foreign land. I found out recently...I forgot how to speak-Datingese

Datingese is that language of all those cues and signals. Getting asked for coffee is worse than getting asked out for lunch, lunch is better than dinner, dinner and a movie is better than both, but drinks can be death. Then there is when a guy texts you after you met at a business function. When there seems to be something one could read between the lines, do I or am I just seeing something? Did the guy MEAN to say it that way or was he jsut being nice?

I am not so sure anymore. And then there is the whole me trying to ask a guy out. Well, I caught myself stammer tonight trying to ask a guy out to dinner. He responded with coffee. After socializing and then returning to one another we connected back up to determine maybe we would meet up for something on Friday night.

Well, then that's a whole other thing if you get a night or  day invite. One invite for one day or one night or do you get invited to a weekend day or a weekend night. Geesh. Wow I am so out of touch.

The last thing is the best. The cream if the crop is not the cream of the crop anymore. So, try to find a quality date on a dating site or on a Facebook group or page anymore. WOW! Ya that's all I gotta say. so I was looking just to see what is out there and this one site I went to looked like all the guys were douchebags saying "S'up" or "Yo!", I mean come on. Men holding their chins or showing off their abs or arms. Really is this what men really think women want to see? YUCK. Make me barf.  I am looking for quality people here, give me a break.

I did find It's Just Lunch and really liked what they had to offer. Quality men and women who were CEO's, Business professionals, socially active people, people who led busy lives and perhaps didn't have a lot of time to be involved with dating or who were also looking for quality people. Yes. I like this site so far. Let's see if they deliver. I don't want to go to bar. I don't want to be on some scummy dating site staring and scrolling through pictures to find a date. I own my own company, do freelance work, am socially active and am driven. This site sounds perfect for me.

I have a hard enough time through this process. I feel so lost out in this new world. When at these events or in the world trying to ask someone out, I end up like that shy girl in high school again like no one wanted to ask out to prom. I am now single and I don't have a date for Friday night. how did that happen?

I know it takes time. I am not a good patient person. I am "working on it." In the meantime...I will keep trying to learn Datinese :)

As the Journey Ends I Drag

As this journey ends of the Soul Restoration I feel myself dragging. I am reading blogs and watching videos and going online to see what other Brave Girls are doing and feeling. I find comfort in knowing that others too are struggling with the relase and letting go of something so wonderful that has taught us so much about ourselves.

I have not even been my usual self with all the recent changes in my life. A new move, a new life, searching for new jobs, living in a new place. I am trying to get accustomed to this new world I am in though it should seem familiar it is not. I am back amongst friends but things re not quite up to speed yet.

I still am searching for freelance contracts and this is a constant struggle. It is and always had been hard to explain to others , even someone who was with me for four years, why I didn't have a new contract and why they were not longer pouring over me like they used to. My response has now become what his used to be "I don't know."  It is not for lack of trying in every avenue I could and can do. then there is a new business I am launching in the midst of this. Waiting for business licenses to come through so I feel "comfortable" with moving forward in that area of my life as well. I don't want to start on new clients only to find there is a bump in the road. I would rather do it right the first time. So I wait. I hate waiting. BIG TIME.

Then there is being not quite in the area of where I want to be. Ia m close to Des Moines, but not quite where I want. I like the little town I am in and enjoy the family I am with. There have already though presented itself with challenges and issues here as Moon People from my family have surfaced and to hear that family members are still holding grudges on me after years breaks my tender, fragile heart. Brave Girls has taught me to acknowledge them as Moon People and I do and have. It is their loss and I feel sad for them that they carry this bitterness inside them for this long. Yet, I too feel punished for not being able to see an uncle who is so ver dear to me because of it all and it makes my heart sad, though I move on ANYWAY. :)

I have a space in the basement of my new shared home for my Brave Girl work though as I said, I am dragging. It is hard for me to get into it right now. I realized today why. If I finish them book and the assignments, then there is nothing left to do. Then it truly is OVER. Then I am on my own. I wonder if the other Brave Girls have though about this. That the reason why we don't want to finish all the lessons is the FEAR of being on our own.

I have learned so much about me. about how I am. about what I will and won't settle for. about my needs and what I want and what I need. I have learned about how to see Moon People and how to not allow them to destroy me. I have learned that I do not have to be a Broken Girl anymore. No more Crack Houses. I can be whole, full restored. But the thing is, I thought at the end of this that I would be...Restored that is....fully and you see, what I recognize is that I am not.

I am a MORE Restored person, but I am still restoring.  So, where does that leave me? It leaves me with this thought about the scriptures. We are asked to be like Christ. Christ is Perfect. Does that mean God really thinks we are to be Perfect? No, but we need to strive to be. So in this, I realize that I AM Restored and I will keep on Restoring.  It is OK to be on my own. 

I need to do it Anyway. I need to finish my books, Anyway. I need to move forward, Anyway. I need to stop dragging and stop fearing and keep living, Anyway.

I am a Beautiful Soul. I am not going to stop being a Beautiful Soul just because Soul Restoration is over.

I am going to be an even Better Beautiful Soul!!

The Biggest Lesson I Gleaned- No More Living in the Past-Live in the Moment

As I was sitting watching my last videos today for the last class, I was hearing Melody say so many different things and I am feeling so may different things. Bittersweet feelings for one. I packed my room in one hour and everything fit in my car. This made me feel thoughts that this was either sad or pathetic but yet I overcame it because I knew that was a mean self talk and the positive thought and truth was that I am moving forward and positive powerful good things were ahead in my future.

Then I am here watching the videos and Melody says things that jump out to me that I feel I must repeat not only for myself but for others. "I will only look back to the past to be grateful. there is no reason to go back and live in the past. There is no reason to be a part of the past. The only reason to EVER go back to the past is to be grateful for the lessons that you've learned. Promise yourself that you will only look back to be grateful. Be grateful for the lessons you have learned. Learn those lessons. Live in Each Moment. Not in the Past and Not in the Future.Stop Worrying, Stop hoping for Things So much that we are seeing what is right in Front of our Face.Live in the Beauty of Each Moment. Live in what we can do and the changes we can make in each moment. Don't worry about how we will Survive in the future."

I am ok right now.I made it through Yesterday. I am making it Through Today. I will make it through Tomorrow. If I can share my light with one person that I see has lost their way, or shine brightness on one soul, I have done a good deed for the day.

This journey has taught me so much and really, truly am thankful.


The Biggest Lesson I Gleaned- No More Living in the Past-Live in the Moment

Each Moment. Each. I was living for Each Day. Now I am ling for each moment. I thought I was savoring life. I thought I was devouring it. I thought I was eating it. I thought before that I was a human magnet. I heard at the beginning of this journey "You are such an Amazing person, you will be more amazing when you are done." All I can say is this...

Watch out world...because Trisha is not only BACK, but Better than Before, New and Improved...New Truth, New Sisters, New Foundation, New Way of looking at life I never thought of and Strength back but Stronger than before and THIS TIME...see THIS TIME...I have a Support Group..called BRAVE GIRLS I never had before and they will be with me EACH MOMENT I CHOOSE to have them there! :)

Valentine Operation Beautiful

What did you today? Was it a special Valentine's for you? Did you feel Beautiful? Do you ever feel like you are having an off day? Do you ever feel less than? What would you do if you came upon a note randomly one day in the bathroom of Target or Panera or someplace you would never expect it on a post it note that said "You are Beautiful!"? Wouldn't that make your day? I know it would make mine!

I heard about Operation Beautiful and knew right away I had to be a part of it. I have randomly left notes on peoples windows or in bathrooms before, but usually they say things like "Have a nice day!" or "Smile!" But this really touched me as a woman who has recovered yet still struggles with bouts of Anorexia loving oneself for who I am A Beautiful Soul Just The Way I Am. 

So today, my day started with me going to Target, buying a pack of post it notes, a Pink Sharpie and a mission while I ran my errands today. I hope to post 100 notes but somewhere around 77 ish I lost count and stopped around there. But I do know I posted up to 77 and then a few after that. I started at 9:30 am and ended about 5pm.

Where was the best one I will never forget?? I snuck into my counselor's office and stuck one on the bathroom mirror that said "You are Beautiful Just the way you Are!" in the woman's bathroom and then ran out the door without anyone seeing me. :) that was fun...I giggled in my car and texted a friend right away to share in the fun!

I stopped randomly in palces I had no intention of buying things just to place notes like Walmart, Michael's. Joann's Fabric, Big lots and other random stores...but other places I did run errands to like Target, Panera and Trader Joe's which by the way...I caught a woman coming out of TJ and a big smile was on her face when she came out and that was fun to see!

If you want to Make a Difference unconditionally, get yourself some post it notes and start leaving them whever you go and beleive me...it will make a difference in your day, because right now...I feel great! :)

No Comparing Art Journaling

I usually am not one to compare. I lived in California in Newport Beach for quite some time and lived and saw my world and others get sucked into the cycle of worrying about what others had or were doing and how it can ruin people.

As an artist it is SO, SO hard to not look at what I am doing or trying to do and then look at someone else's art and not get frustrated. I draw, I create I sketch, I ink, I paint, I do Graphic Design, I do so many things and have SO many talents, I usually am quite thankful for those gifts and don't fall into the "Compare" trap anymore.

Melody has said in the beginning for us not to compare ourselves to others in the class. To just create and just do the journals, etc. I hear myself saying "Yes,yes I know" and reaffirming myself to not compare and I do well, not comparing for the most part. I may see something here or there and think "Oh, wow, that's amazing, how did she do that?" I have been around people for years who are artists and more recently some amazing artists in the last 4 years who have taught me so much about gleaning from others not comparing.

But, I am human. It happened. I have been struggling So very much with my Art Journals and it is now week 5 and I was so frustrated that my journals are NOT art journals. I used to do Genealogy and have my Certification in Family History and did that for 10 years and also have grown up journaling as a form of history,m writing, getting the thoughts down, stories, etc. Then, in this class, Art Journaling has become a challenge and a new concept for me. I have heard of it before, but I have never been asked to do it. Now I was asked. I would see these amazing pages and unique ideas on Journal pages and I was still thinking, "Wow!" every time, but this time was different.

I have been reaching out and my friend Jane sent me some links and other Brave Girls sent links and I was researching and reading blogs and Googling like a mad woman about Art journaling. I went to Michaels and Hobby Lobby and Joann's and would beg the clerks to help me learn about this and ask for kits or books or anything that would help. After a week of being pointed to a scrapbook aisle continually, I was at my wit's end. One nice lady at joan's sent me to Archiver's where I found Glimmer Mist and Glimmer Screens. A new love and passion I now have added. I also thus on that day learned all about who Melody Ross really was and that made my classes more meaningful (I saw this though I thought I could not delve any deeper in my soul, guess what I could).

But all of that still wasn't enough. I signed up to received Balzer Design blogs and as I checked my email one day there sits a few images that struck me.

Today you Smiled was her photo  and there sits  an simple but very pretty journal. Then the next few down there was one with a Fashion like twist that said ENJOY and I thought, "Hmm that is very kewl, a bit of a challenge, but I might be able to pull that off."

But then, I hit this one...the one that starts the ears a flowing and I think the thought of COMPARE that I know I shouldnt' do...YELLOW HANDS and then I start crying. They are hands. that is it. Hands on the journals colored and then writing around it and I think ""That looks so cool and so simple, why didn't I think of that." So even worse I Mean Self Talked AND Compared!! I got so frustrated then those are the ones that REALLY get to me. the ones that I can glean and learn from, I have no issue with. But when it is right there, in front of my face and it is something that is simple, whether it be work, or at a function, or my business, or art...when it to me is like "DUH" moment, I get upset. "Why didn't I think of that?" If you could even remotely understand this, it breaks my heart. I feel less than, I feel silly, I feel stupid in fact and I know those are all lies because I know I am the opposite of all that. But, yet still, my tender, fragile, heart got hurt because of something I felt I lacked.

I was lucky enough that another artist I was discussing this with encouraged and reminded me that even great artists that I admire like Adam Hughes, Chad Spilker, Chris Rich Mc Kelvey and others will still look at other people's art and do the same thing. That we can't compare and we need to remember to learn from others and also that other's might be looking at us that way. Thank you for that. :)

So, I did learn from seeing Jane, a fellow Brave Girl say she was tearing out magazines for her journals and I did the same and did some massive art journaling today. Plus a truth card which is on my Truth card site as well. It takes time to get past all the hurdles I guess and even hurdles we don't think we have we might encounter so we need to be strong, remember our truths, not the lies, and no mean talk or comparing.

SR TRUTH~ We are all unique in our like!

I hope you enjoy my journals and Truth Card I made today!

The Voice Within

I was getting ready to go about my day today and this song really touched me. I was on my knees getting stuff out of my closet and just started crying. It really touched my heart. Lyrics are so powerful amd moving to me it amazes me. I usually ama person of many words, but this morning, I am going to let the lyrics talk...


The Voice Within Lyrics
Christina Aguilera

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it's alright
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:
When there's no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way
You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within


Young girl don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you're gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus
When there's no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way
You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know
(be strong)
You'll break it

(hold on)
You'll make it

Just don't forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can't do
No one can stop you, you know that
I'm talking to you

Chorus
Young girl don't cry I'll be right
here when your world starts to fall

Choices

When Melody was talking about Choices and what choices led us to where we are of course is my head I start thinking about songs...

Destiny by Katherine Mc Phee

God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

Where you are by Josh Groban

Dare You to Move Switchfoot

Unwritten by  Natasha Bedenfeld



This=This is what the Lesson is on this week. Meaning this is our equation. what choice equal what. Bliss Equal what in your life. Heartache equals what in your life and so on.

what if I hadn't made this choice? Where would I be? If I had chosen another way where would I be? I think of those books that have different choices in them when you were a kid. If you choose ending A go to page 5, if you choose ending b go to page 10. I was always that kid that would re-read the book over and over and try to see how the book would change if I chose different endings. but you know what would happen? I would end up getting lost in the story. I finally would give up and move on to something else. how true that is in my life now.

There are so many choices we can make in our life that lead us in one direction or another. There is also a choice to stay still and in the same spot and immovable. Sometimes that choice to be planted still can be a great thing and good for you. It build strength and solidarity. It helps you in your job to show you can be there for years to show stability. It can be good in a relationship. there are a lot of great things in that choice to stay and be still and be the same.

But the choice to stay, be the same, and continue along the same path expect different results-definition of insanity- that's what that is. That choice is crazy. That choice can make a person mad. that choice is unhealthy. That choice sometimes can be happening right in front of you and you not even see it. It could go one for years and you not see it. other people can see it. Other people are even holding mirrors up to your face but you are like a vampire that can't see your own reflections saying "What are you talking about, I don't see it?"

What wakes you up our of that or what is it that finally makes you see your own reflection? Truth Serum.

I don't know what else to call it. Brave Girls and Soul Restoration have filled me with Truths. So much so that those Truths gave me Strength. That strength was already there, Strong, Confidant, Powerful Patricia was here all the time she was just hiding out pleasing men and everyone else around her so much no one else saw it for awhile. In the last 5 weeks she has re-emerged and she DOES remember what it feels to be HOME and she WILL PROTECT it FIERCELY!!

IT is not easy to make choices that will hurt another. It is not easy to make choices that you know will hurt yourself in the moment, but in the long run, doing what is right is the best choice.

If the circumstances have not changed, the issues are still there, and the problems are not resolving, then it's time for a change. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Live in the moment. don't plan for tomorrow. Live for today. I am finally listening. No bridges are burning no tables are turning no tides are turning no waves are crashing. Just Keep Livin, Right? ;)

Sitting in my closet

I literally SAT in my closet today after I posted this video on Facebook. Then I called a friend. I haven't done that in awhile. In a very long while. Sat IN my closet. I thought it would be different. I thought I would be in a different place. 5 weeks in the class and I am feeling still spun. Not as spun as I was before but spun none the less. What is it that makes me feels like this when it comes to relationships?

Plus the class ending soon doesn't help.Week 5 and only one more week left. I really am saddened by this. I feel bittersweet. I love learning and growth. I want more. I want 10 or 20 more weeks. I need more internal healing. 6 weeks is not enough. I want to delve deeper into my soul. I want to learn more about me. I want to heal more. I am scared to let go of that too.

When it is time to let go, why is it so hard for us to just walk away?

I see visually in my mind a hand and fingers with another hand and fingers, both with each fingers barely touching each other neither wanting to let go of the other jsut touching the tip of the other...

that is what my life feels like ...

right now..

at this very moment

No More Mean Self Talk Beautiful You

This Truth is Dedicated to a Dear Brave Girl friend of Mine and she knows who she is. I will not name names because I feel that is private. But though this is dedicated to her, this IS also for me.

How many times to we talk down to ourselves? How many times do we make a mistake and then say mean things to ourselves for those mistakes? How may times do we think we are less than perfect or think we are less than Perfect? We talk Mean to ourselves so often and we would NEVER talk to others the way we talk to ourselves. When I saw this truth, at first I thought, Well, that isn't me, I don't do that. But then one of the Brave Girls posted this Perfect song in My Music and playlist folder and I thought, Hmm ok I need to be listening to my Truth Teller here and pull that Truth out and really listen.

I chose to do this on on a Journal page and not on a Truth card because for one, I have been struggling with my journal pages and I have yet to really share them a lot. So I am doing more of that. Two, my journal pages are very personal to me and something I look back on more often. I wanted to be able to look at this often and remember this. As I said, I also did this for my BG Friend.  As well, I wanted to dedicate the song to her. No more mean talk. She is perfect. god made us in his image and he did not make any mistakes.

I struggle with wanting to be prefect. Wanting to say the right thing, be the right thing, not put my foot in my mouth, not offend someone, not tick someone off, not be overbearing, not be too clingy, not desire too much attention, not need to be pandered to, or not want too much or need too much. I struggle with wanting to have the right hair, the right body type and not matter how much weight I lose or gain I feel I will never be perfect. I know I barely eat and I know this concerns my friends and family.

So you see, it doesn't matter -everyone's perception of themselves can be skewed. Someone once told me - it all matters with which the lens you are looking through. In that process, and through Soul Restoration we need to learn to accept ourselves for who we are and move on to dream big and amazing things. But we have to stop being so mean to ourselves.

This image I chose and I drew as a reminder of that. To me - this a a beautiful me. A fashion I drew - me no one else. And the words to remind us - No More Mean Talk. We are Perfect. Prefect Beautiful You and you and you...yeah...YOU ------------>  the ones reading this right now...I am talking to you too :)

Lyrics listed here


Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missunderstood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You’re perfect to me
You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You’re  perfect to me
The whole world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
String ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re
 perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
like you’re less then, perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel
like you’re nothing you are perfect to me

Love without expectations...

Have you ever watched Friends the TV show? Well, Whenever I think about this Truth I think about that show. The truth is

"Love without expecting anything in return..it feels really good."

But the things is,  is that truly really possible?

It is just like the show. Phoebe is trying to talk to them about doing a selfless good deed and she feels that there such things and Joey says there is no such thing. 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzQSEoNdGvk

That is how I feel about loving without expecting anything in return. is that possible? I don't think it is. One can try, but I think even if you really try somehow there is still a hope or prayer that you will receive something or that you will end up gaining something. Even if you really do expect nothing, the universe or karma will end up giving you something in return. You will receive love in return. So in some way you know that, so in some way you are expecting it.

So as much as you try to "Love without expecting anything in return" is there really a way to do it?

The Many Excuses, Moving On & Other Stuff

This week as I have said has been about Doing it Anyway. As you will see below there is a pile. A pile of Excuses. No these are not reasons. I was watching a show New Amsterdam on my Hulu this week to relax and the son said "That isn't a good reason" and I thought, Well,if it is a reason then perhaps but no it was not a good excuse.  As I was cutting all these excuses up it amazed me the thing we could come up with to get in our way. We let our past get in our way. We let past loves get in our way. We let our jobs get in our way. We let our family get in the way. We let our friends get i the way. We make excuses for everything. The choice is ours. Do It Anyway, whatever that IT may be or we don't. It IS that simple.

People I talk to say, "Oh, you don't understand. You don't live my life, you don't work a full time job, you don't have the burdens I do, you don't have the issues I do, and so on." No, you are right. I don't, I have my issues, but they are not any less than yours. You solely perceive them to be. That also is your right, though I do not beleive that to be true. You try to carry the burden of what I have been through in my life and wake up everyday. You try to put a smile on your face and make a difference in the lives of others. You try to look for freelance work, start a new business, make sure you kids are ok, send out resumes, send out emails, search on job boards, make phone calls for new clients constantly hearing "NO", having ex spouses make your life miserable year after year, and having to go through the same cycles of life over and over again no matter what you do. But no matter what, no matter what that pile of excuses down there is shouting at to me, no matter what it has told me, no matter what people have told me and beleive me I have had ex in laws tell me I was nothing, tell me I was worthless, tell me I would never amount to anything, that it would be better if I should checked myself into a hospital and stayed there and that I am a horrible mother and the best thing I could do for my children was to never show them who I was or to love them. Then to have other people in my life tell me to not go forward in my business ventures. That it would be a waste. That I would not succeed. That I would fail.For people tell me not to get married because I would fail at that too. One thing or another I have had someone push me down, berate me o tell me I couldn't do it. I have had more people tell me I would fail, not succeed or to give up hope than I have had those be on my side telling me go for it.

So you say to me, "You don't understand You don't live my life." You are correct. I don't. I live mine. I have lived mine and it has not been easy. But I Did it Anyway. I Got up Anyway. I Loved Anyway. I Danced Anyway. I Sang Anyway.  I Ice Skated Anyway. I did Gymnastics Anyway. I was in Bells Anyway.I Started a Band Anyway. I Modeled Anyway. I started Fashion Consulting Anyway. I started Fashion Designing Anyway. I Loved Anyway. I Got Married Anyway. I Broke Free Anyway. I Started a Business Anyway. I was Successful Anyway. I Hoped Anyway. I Loved My Kids Anyway. I Fought for them Anyway. I Survived Anyway. I Bought a Car Anyway. I Got a Keyboard Anyway. I am Learning Piano Anyway. I am Learning French Anyway. I Went to Europe Anyway. I Learned Spanish Anyway. I Believe Anyway. I am Happy Anyway. I Smile Anyway. I am Joyful Anyway. I am Cheery Anyway. I Try Anyway. I Believe in People Anyway. I Trust Anyway. I Believe in Love Anyway. I will Move On Anyway.

I DID IT ANYWAY AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT IS WHO I AM AND WHO I ALWAYS WILL BE! THE ME I WAS BORN TO BE!

Cut Out Excuses

More Excuses

My Truth book 2 Page Spread

Left Side

Right Side

 I wanted to show you some of my Journal pages. I have been having a hard time but finally broke free from the constraints of journaling to show what I could really do with my pages and here are a few examples. What is funny about this page is that I was watching a video recently called "Sunshine Cleaning" and she chants there mantras and then starts laughing and when I was doing this page I would just start cracking up. It is an inside joke, but I think I will forever look at this page and remember that movie and crack up!

Journal Page

Another Journal Page

 This one is kewl because it is a way to journal without having everything out in the open. You pasts down an envelope and write on another paper what you are feeling. Then put in the envelope the paper and then you still have in your journal the words but only you know what is inside and only you can see.

A way to hide something only you can see

A ready page

Another ready page

 This is my page showing my Weak Self and my Strong Self working Together!

Weak Self and Strong Self Journal Page

So all in all we are Doing It Anyway. Whatever it Takes. We are Moving on. One of the Girls posted this video in my Music and play lists folder and I thought it was fitting to add here. No matter what we need to jsut move on. Let go of the past. Let go of the excise and move on. quite holding onto to the excuses and the lies and quit claiming them as REASONS, they are not "reasons" they are excuses and lies and they are holding us down. Don't let them. 

DESPITE those excuses, DO IT ANYWAY...

Keep Moving On...

Moving On - Anyway

Loving the Life You Are in Anyway

So as you know this week we are talking about the "Anyway"

Doing it Anyway. Moving Forward Anyway. I decided to do a truth card today on loving the life you are in and all I could think of was adding Anyway. How many times do we care about what the other person has on teh other side of the fence? How many times do we try to keep up with the Jones's? how many times do we compare ourselves with others in our lives?

Rather, shouldn't we love the life we have? Look around you. I bet if you look, you have a lot to be thankful for. Sure I am sure you have a lot you could gripe about. don't we all. But stop looking at that and look at what you DO have.

Take me for example. Today, I don't have a migraine. YAY! Today, I have a card that works. Today, my kids are talking are talking to me. Today, I have money in my bank account. Today, I got papers about my new business. Today, things are good. Today, I love the life I am in.

Not ever day is great. I get that. I understand more than any person you could imagine. I have not had it easy. It may not be easy tomorrow. I am ready for that. But I love the life I am in today. I am loving that life, ANYWAY.

Despite the turmoil, despite the reasons why I shouldn't, despite the issues that come up, despite the excuses I could make, despite the setbacks that have happened, and despite the ones that still could happen. There is always going to be something, the is always going to be some excuse for why you can't do whatever it is you are trying to do and there will always be something that gets in your way.

Stop looking over the fence and the love the life YOU are in. Not the life someone ELSE is in.

Love the life you are in ANYWAY.

You'd be surprised what will happen once you do.

My Truth Card Challenge Spot

Some of you may know but in case some of you don't, I created a separate blog for my Art A Day Challenge. J always says that doing art a day is like practicing piano (which I also am doing daily now), so because we have so many Truths to choose from and I think doing a bit of Art a Day can also keep one sane I create a separate blog off this one to showcase my art a day challenge.

For now until the end of the course I will be doing a Truth Card a Day until the course is over. Then after that, I could do truth cards, sketch cards, a sketch who knows, but i know once I get myself into the habit of it then it will be a lot easier.

I not only am doing a card but I am taking pictures each day and doing a little video every day about what I did or audio and loading it up to. This is for me and for you. I feel this makes it much more of a challenge. I am not just doing a card and throwing up some pictures. this makes me take an active part in what I am doing. So far it is working well. I will tell you this, if you know every day you are getting in front of the camera you do you hair and makeup and get your butt outta bed. now I have followers and that makes it nice too because I think that people are waiting to hear from me, just like this blog.

If you would like to follow my Truth Card Challenge or follow my Art a Day Keeps the Crazies Away blog go here for the link and come follow my Truth Card journey or my journey with art. Thanks

http://art-a-day-keeps-the-crazies-away.blogspot.com/

Here is a sneak peek of my First Truth Crd for my Challenge...Go to the site for more...

Doing It Anyway

The Theme for this week is Doing It Anyway or actually She Did It Anyway... Before Melody was even done with the lessons I had to stop the vieos and go looking for this video Anyway by Martina McMbride..

 I remember hearing this years ago and thinking that was a motto for me. Melody spoke of all the excuses, all the things that hold us back, all the things that keep us down, all the excuses that keep us from moving forward in our lives, all the excuses from asking someone to marry them, all the excuses from asking someone out, all the excuses from asking for a raise, all the excuses for doing what we love to do, all the excuses for being who we want to be, all the excuses from asking for love, or asking for what we really want, all the excuses from having your own business, all the excuses for not moving forward, all the excuses for not challenging yourself, all the excuses for not speaking up, just all the excuses and believe  me for some, there are many.

I am one of those that would have good reason to stop and say "No I don't want to go any farther" and I don't think anyone would doubt the reasons why. But yet, I do it anyway. I was beaten, I got up. I was abused, I walked away. I lost my job, I got another one. I lost my business, I am starting another one. I failed with my kids, I started over. I failed at love, I tried again. I failed at marriage, I want to have another. I have bills to pay, I will work it out. I don't know where I am going to live in a month, I will find another place when that time comes. I will do it anyway. I am broken, I can be put back together. I have hit rock bottom, I made it up from there.I did it anyway.


To me there was no other choice but the choice to do it anyway. My mother raised me that you don't get to lie in bed all day because the world is waiting for you. She would say "You were made for this. You can do it. Now go out there and show them, show the world they didn't win." I used to think my mother was crazy. Then as I got older I met other people who came into my life who would tell me the same thing. My friend E was there when my ex was not the best to me. Both of my exes. He would tell me "Don't let them see it get to you. Hold you head high to the sky, wipe you tears and go prove them that they are wrong!" Someone recently that I stop by and say hi to here and there at an office I visit V is an amazing woman and she said "You just be you and be the best you there is. You just keep on keepin' on honey!"

All of them are saying the same thing. DO IT ANYWAY.

Someone recently gave me a great compliment for being SO AMAZING and it made me smile because I thought, "You know I am aren't I. Beautiful on the inside and out. I have endured many trials in life. I have lived so that I may have empathy for others. I am here to bring Joy to you.

I am here to Keep Doing It.

I will Keep Doing It too!

Doing It Anyway!!!

The Strong Helping the Weak

A Journal prompt for this week was "How can my Strong self help my Weak Self?"

Well, I feel like I have already had instances where I fell into this so I felt like I was writing this after the fact, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't apply, I feel quite the opposite. I feel like I embraced the lesson well and was able to apply it to my life directly and immediately. Here is how I embraced my Weak Self this week and how I envisioned My Strong Self is there for my Weak Self...

My Strong Self is there to...

wipe away my tears
brush my hair back from my face
rub my shoulder when I am shaking
hold me when I crying
hold my hair when I am throwing up from crying so much
there to give me a drink of water
rock me to make me feel better
allow me time to mope
to pull the covers back when I have been moping too long
accept my flaws
accept my weakness
love me despite my faults
to reach out and take my hand
to say to me...

"it's ok weak self...I love you no matter what...I accept your weak self...we will do this together..from here on out...from now until the end of time and then some."

Foreve we are like a figure 8...Intertwined...

that is how my Strong Self will Help my Weak Self..

It will Love me for Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG7SPCVkKyY
It accepts the Real Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3kr9eqxwCo

Lyrics Real Me Natalie Grant -

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

Come Home

Found Image by ~Valentina~

So the other interesting thing my friend said to me that I chose to make a separate blog about was Coming home. He said to me, "you need to come home."

Well, D, that is just what I am working on doing. Come Home to my Soul House.

When he first said it I thought, well Boone, Iowa is not really my home. Yes, I was born there, but I didn't grow up there. I grew up in Garden Grove California, but we moved around there, and Anaheim and then as an adult S and I moved around all Orange County. I did come back to Iowa for my son and ended up in Des Moines, Iowa and then I followed a man to Omaha, Nebraska.

He used to say "Home is wherever we are." I used to feel so at home there. With him By him. By his side. Now I just feel lost.

I have heard others say "Home is where the heart is." Well, again lost. I don't know where my heart is. I don't know where my head it either though!

I am currently in Week 3 of Soul Restoration. I am one step closer to "HOME" every single day. I closed my Soul House for Restoration. I went back in time and learned that I did the best I could, The past did not nor has or will I let it anymore define me. I am not a Broken Girl anymore. There is a love they will never steal away. I am not the worthless they made me feel. They will never steal my heart away.My tears do touch the ground. I have laid my shattered pieces down. I am being put back together again!

Broken Girl by Matthew West

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guaG981MLoQ

I learned that in Week 2, all those things that happen to me, they happened. They are in my past. I will not be shamed for them anymore. They were not my fault. What was my fault, I will not blame myself for anymore. No Blame No Shame! In looking over them, I realized that they did NOT consume. going forward I will not LET it consume it. I will not let anything again consume me, if I can dearly help it.

And as you know in this week I have learned to embrace my Weak Self and I have done a VERY good damn good job of that. let me tell you. This process. not easy. You think it is? You think, because you see me making crafts and writing things down it is? Well, it is not. I have never been more "In Tune" with myself in my whole life. It is hard. One has to DIG DEEP into their Soul and Reach Out and Pull Out parts that you didn't want to see and parts that you needed to see.

"Coming Home" is not as easy as everyone makes it sound. You don't just Pack up your bags and walk out the door.

how do I Come Home? Where do I go? Where is Home for me anymore? I don't know where my "Real Home" is from one week to the next. I am working on coming home D. That is why I am here.

I know I have found One home...Brave Girls. When soul restoration goes way I will still have Brave Girls. There will still be those women. To cheer me on. To be there for me. I am no longer alone. I will Never be Alone again. i have found a home in them at least.

As for the rest. I am working on getting back to the only Home that I need to be right now.

Mine....

This is Home Switchfoot Piano Solo...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEQJuKneDeU

Fitting in the Mold

I was talking to a friend tonight that shared with me how people try to fit us in a mold that sadly we try and put ourselves into.

I am my own person. Be who I am.

That really hit me because my father used to say before he passed "They broke the mold when they made you!"

It took all my might to not burst out in tears when he said that. So it got me to thinking about that concept even more.

If I could envision my mold I would say it was pink, had sparkles on it,fairy dust, pink bubbles and was filled with love, compassion, understanding, and empathy for others so I would be able to be there for what others have gone through in life. my mold would produce a child so wonderful and different and unique that as my father said, the mold broke when I was born! But did someone else break it as he said or did I break it coming out of my shell?


He said, "Most people can't even fit into their old mold." They see success and strength in me. I can't allow them to bring me down.

I am not going to be who others want me to be. They need to accept me. I am not maid to order! (My friend said that too) I am made the way I am.

I am not going to beat myself up.

I am one in a million.I am special. I am beautiful. I deserve happiness. I am worth it. I am unique. I have amazing talents.

I am a Beautiful Soul!

I am who I am.

It is odd that he called me when he did because he is an old dear friend of our family. He went to school with my sisters. We talk on FB and have tried to call from time to time but never connected. Tonight I was very upset about something that happened in my life. I was going through the pain and enduring it.

My other friend called me earlier and told me told that Pain is a way of showing us when we are unhappy and that unhappiness is the catalyst for change. I thought about that tonight when I was dealing with pain and crying my tears tonight through my pain.

D called me right in the midst of tears. It was ironic and that song "Isn't it ironic" comes to mind. I think God yelled at D and said CALL TRISHA NOW SHE NEEDS A FRIEND AT 3 AM in the MORNING TO TALK TO! and just my luck D listened to the still small voice and called me.

It was good to be reminded of those things. I know them. My Truth Teller keeps reminding me too. I need to listen. I am working on that. (btw this year i do not desire to say Try anymore but "working on" since it has more action to it than try which often leads to failure and allows for success) I am working on listening to my TT. I am working on Believing the Truths. The lies are much easier to beleive.

I need to stay strong and stay focused and remember I am a Beautiful Soul. Getting me right is the most important. Road to Recovery from church talks about not filling up my life with men but that being Co Dependent and that I need to turn my life to God. During this time I am reminded of that. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby.But even more so, I don't NEED anyone else right now. I need me.

I need me. I need me to be ok. I need me to be right. I need to let go and move on. I refused to settle. I asked for what I wanted. I stood up for me. He didn't follow. He didn't choose me. The healthy thing was for me to move on. The Healthy thing was for me to let go. As much as it pains me. As much as it hurts. As much as I did fall into my weakness and crawl under the covers for many hours, eventually I got back up because remember those pictures from before???

Well, My Strong Self sat on the edge of my bed, moved my hair away from my face, gave me a tissue, wiped my tears from eyes, got my breathing together, got a drink of water, did some yoga to relax and some breathing exercises, then turned to my Weak Self and said

"Weak Self... I know you are hurting. I know you are sad. I know this hurt you very much. I know this was hard and I know you don't WANT to get out of the covers, but it's ok I will be there with you. Remember we will do this together. Together forever from now on. I will love you weak self the best I can. Your Best is Perfect to me. You Matter to me. It will all be ok in time.We will heal together."

"Will you take my hand tonight Weak Self and get out of bed?"

and my Weak Self said "Ok, I will surrender to you... and Together Strong Self we will be ok" :)

Embrace our Weakness Project

We were tasked this week to Embrace our Weakness.

This is a Truth Card I made

It says "I am Broken & I am Whole" off to one side is My Broken Self and the other side is My Whole Self. Then underneath it says "My Whole Self Needs My Truth Teller"

This is my Truth book project for this week.

This page says all of these below

I will not hide myself. I will not shame myself. Nothing can change this love. We need each other. Even when we mess up, we will start over. today is a brand new day together. We will learn from each other. I am Learning. I will love you the best ways I know how. I will do my best to always protect you. We will make it through this. This is our beautiful life together. We are so much more than our weaknesses.

This page says :

All of me is Necessary

My Weak Self Needs My Love

No Shame No Blame

We Must Stay Together

and then there is an icon for My Weak Self and an icon for My Strong Self. I chose this picture because it has the one girl with her hand on the other girls leg comforting her. Isn't that what it is like when someone else is stronger than the other? they are there to comfort us?

Then I posted one of our truths this week "Your best is your perfect." It really spoke to me because I know I am a perfectionist. I expect the very best of myself and even better than that. I expect a lot of other people as well. Often we compare ourselves to others and we should not do this. I think, why can't I be that or why can't I have that? I expect too much of me and think I should be better than I am. I think I need to be more perfect than I could possibly be, because I do not have the skills or the resources to be those things. Seeing that my Best is my Perfect touched my heart so very much. Just be me. Others may not agree, but be me. My Best is perfect. Perfectly me.

the other little truth you may or may not see is in right hand in the corner of the picture. It says "You Matter." Last night, when I held it I literally held onto so long I almost thought I wore the type off of it. I just held onto it and cried and cried. I don't know how long I held it and cried but it was awhile. I grasped it in my fingertips as tightly as I could as if it was going to fly away and as if it did fly away i would lose it and something would happen. I Matter. Hmmm...

You know where that sent me? To what Melody was saying about sometimes it really is easier to believe the lies. The weak side of me believes that I don't matter. That I am no one. The Weak Self of me starves herself and is insecure and thinks no one wants her or wants to be her friend. The weak self thinks she does not matter to anyone. Those are lies. All horrible lies.

The Strong Self knows I do matter. the strong self says, this world would miss me if I was gone. The strong self says if I was never born this world would be a very different place. The strong self says I am here for you when you are weak Trisha and even for once believe that horrible lie.

You deserve to be put first. Because you do matter. And this project reminded me that I do matter, I am weak and I am strong and together we need each other. WE shall not chastise each other. We will embrace each other and welcome the other. Weak and Strong.

I have been put down for my insecurities for too long. I accept them now. I embrace them. I am weak. It happens.

I embrace you Weak Self. Will you take my hand and walk with me together?

Yes, Strong Self....I would be happy to...

:)

Where to Begin - So much to say....

Oh where to begin today. I have so much in my head that I do not know if my fingers will be able to keep up with my typing.

First off I would like say a few things about what I am going through. This process has not been easy for me, but I know it has been worth it.I am most certainly learning about myself and learning how to deal with my past and how to release it where I need to and embrace it where I need to. I have cried many tears and I know I will cry more. Tears are healing so i am ok with that.

Second, While going through process I truly do believe that I am softening. Which I think is a very good thing for me. I am so strong and tough feel like I have to be so strong all the time to be there for others, to deal with my life, to be there for my children, to be there to hold up the world. Brave Girls has taught me that it's ok, I don't need to hold up the world. I can rest, I can relax, I can just be me. We are learning this week to Embrace our Weak parts and join hands with our Strong Parts. I am excited about that, and will talk more on that in another blog when I load my project up. But I am excited I will say for this project because I think learning to Embrace the Weaker parts of ourselves allows us to accept ourselves more.

Third, being me. I have worried so much in my business life what others are doing and what others are saying and where others are in the business that I have not just allowed myself to be me. I took a step back in my Time Line at when I was successful and what that meant. A SR Truth I saw says "It is time for you to come up with your own definitions of happiness and success." So I looked back and looked forward to do just that.

I realized that a good part of that entailed me being myself and being what I like to be. If I want to wear hot pink nail polish then so be it. If I want to wear colored bangles, then I will! I need to stop worrying about the fact that it is "unprofessional" or not "normal". As my good friend KSM says on her blog, "Normal is a setting on a dryer" and I love that! I have worried so long about not only pleasing the business people in my life, but also pleasing the men in my life. My ex spouse hated my hair in barrettes and headbands, so I didn't wear them. How dumb is that? Just because he didn't like them. Other men have said they didn't like the way I dressed too cute or acted too silly, talked too much or was too cheery. Some thought I dressed to risque. Then there was who I was spending my time with, who I was talking to and who I was hanging out with. Again, trying to please someone else I have allowed friends to go by the wayside and lose good friends who cared about me and were a support to me. Then there was what I ate and/or drank to make them happy. All in all, I have realized I am spending far too much time appeasing and pleasing others and not me. I am not choosing my happiness.Why?

Well, I used to say "the consequence was too high." To me that meant that I knew it was going to be a battle or a confrontation and I just didn't want to deal with it. So instead of standing up for these things, or standing up for me, I gave in. I settled, I conceded, I compromised. It was too tiring to fight against an abusive husband or struggle with a indecisive boyfriend . It was too frustrating to fight for my needs and wants when constantly being told that desiring, wanting and yearning for those needs are Selfish, Bratty, Spoiled and Unwarranted. Even if I felt like that judgment was wrong that I had a right to want those things, that I had a right to ask for happiness, that I had a right to ask to be put first, or that I had a right to want more out of life.

But a little here and there I would gather strength or courage to do so and of course the usual comeback of "I don't know who you are" or "I can't talk to you anymore" usually follows. When discussing this within the safety of the forum it was brought to my attention that this could be a form of sabotage and I nearly fell on the floor when I heard it.

Why you ask? Because in 2006 when I cleaned my plate of those other destructive people in my life, I heard the same thing. Instead of supporting me and uplifting me and embracing this with me, I get to feeling that - sabotaged.

I am vulnerable right now and allowing ourselves to stay that way is not easy. Embracing that is hard. When we are weak, and trying so very hard to strengthen ourselves, this is when we need those supporting us. I like to think of that picture of the guys all trying to raise the flag at Iwo Jima...they are all there to help and support each other to get it there.

I need that right now. Others may not agree with my choices. Others may not like the clothes I wear, or the friends I hang out with. They may not like the choices I choose that make me happy. But I realize that I need to stay diligent in my quest for happiness and diligent in my desire for this, finding of me. What I want matters.

Another SR Truth says "Remember how good it feels to be home and protect it FIERCELY!" That last word is what jumps out at me.

The Dictionary says:

`Extremely intense or ardent: fierce loyalty. See Synonyms at intense.
~Strenuously active or resolute: a fierce attempt to escape.

It also says it could be this:

~Very difficult or unpleasant-A fierce exam
~fiercely - in an emotionally fierce manner

I think protecting your Soul House all of those apply. FIERCE!

I am becoming me again. I know what I want. I know what I won't settle for. I will NOT compromise on that. My Soul House, my Home is restoring and I like how it feels. I like that it feels good to be happy and elated and joyful. I like the friends I have and I like hanging out with them. I like the happiness that improving myself is bringing. I don't want to go back to being a roller coaster of emotions and the people in my life don't want me there, they just aren't sure of this person. This person scares them. This person is strong and confident and secure. This person, scares the heck out of them. I get that. I do I really do. When others see you improving yourself, it scares them. I am not sure if it is because they see the insecurities in them self or if they just are not ready to move with you. And if they aren't moving with you, then you are moving on. That, that is what I think scares them the most. That you might move on without them....

Lastly,

I want to leave you all with this amazing Ted Talk that was shared by another Brave Girl. And ask that you take the time to watch and listen to what she has to say...