I am not a White Frog

In my quest to know more about Asperger's, I have started looking for movies that are about this or autism. I found a movie called White Frog. It is about a family dealing with Asperger's in two sons and after the loss of the older son in a fatal accident, the younger son learns more about his brother through his friends and connections and in the end, learns so much more about himself.

Here are some clips on YouTube about the movie...It is also on Netflix and amazing to watch.

“Grandma said a long time ago that Vietnamese people used to eat coconut frogs. Oh yeah. Coconut AND frogs. They’d take a coconut and make a small cut and insert a tadpole. Then, a few weeks later, they’d open up the coconut to find a blind frog with white skin.

After a couple weeks, you open the coconut and you’ll see a blind frog with, with white skin. And it’ll have the smoothest skin and the softest coconut flavored meat.

For most of my life, I’ve been like one of those tadpoles growing up in this strange world that never seemed right, but trying my best to fit in to grow into a frog. After spending time at the firehouse, it hit me. Our parents wanted us to be perfect. They had an image of what perfect should be. But in the end, I don’t deserve to live in a coconut. No one does…I am not a white frog and I will not be a white frog. Even if I’m weird or different or strange. 

‘Cause you know what? Everyone is different.”

Thank you the makers of this movie. You have helped me see, hear and understand Asperger's in a new light, a new way and a new vision for my own future!

Music Missing Piece from "White Frog"

I love this song and I can understand why so many with Asperger's might resonate with it. 

If you would like the "White Frog" Soundtrack you can find it here:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/white-frog-original-soundtrack/id532481589
http://www.allmusic.com/album/white-frog-original-soundtrack-mw0002530495
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0087YXZC6?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0
http://www.moviemusic.tv/soundtrack/white-frog-2012 (You can listen here)
(I also found it on Spotify)

and of course, on the official web page:
http://www.whitefrogthemovie.com/post/24903179818/the-white-frog-original-soundtrack-is-now

Self Diagnosed (for now) Asperger's or (I Prefer) Aspien Woman

Some of you may have noticed that in my social media, I have posted much more about Autism and Asperger's lately. After the loss of my Mother in Law, Nancy, I have a real hard time and felt prompted to go see my parents and my Uncle and Oldest Sister who all live in New Mexico. I kpet calling my newlywed spouse, oft times in tears of frustration of not being able to help or do what needed to be done to help or even function with everything that went on during my stay. Without unloading family life, let's just say my calm, serene Colorado Life I had gotten quite used to, was all the sudden turned upside down, as I was caught in the midst of family adversity, trials, and issues.

During this time, HunEPants had a dream, which he felt was more of a premonition from his mother Nancy to remind him about a boy with Asperger's he knew from college. In thinking about it, he made a connection to that thought and things I was saying on our calls as well as things I have said in my past. Things like:

• I don't get jokes
• I don't get sarcasm
• I like routines
• I have SPD-Sensory Processing Disorder
• I have sight, smell and texture sensitivities
• Sudden loss of friendships
• Hard time putting myself in others place 
• Black and White theory
• The inability to understand others emotions, facial reactions or gestures
• No filter, say what I think
• Constant problems in Marriage, workplace (which is why I like to work for myself), Friendships, difficulty parenting, etc
• Severely bullied in school
• Strong interest in subject I like
• Can get so focused on interest can forget to eat, or function in other ways
• Dont get hints, clues and social codes and clues
• Told I talk to fast or too much often
• Hard time with eye contact
• Unusual or one sided eating habits (could eat cereal all day)
• Often misunderstood
• Too honest
• Brutal in tolerance for others
• Highly sensitive to any type of criticism
• Often clumsy or no idea where bruises come from
• Used to have anorexia in high school
• Constant sleeping problems
• Brain never shuts off

and those are just the high level issues. He remembered in the 5 years we dated and now the half year we have been married, these things I have said over time and thought perhaps he shoudl talk to me about it. He found a site from Tania Marshall from Australia about Aspien Women and took a chance and sent it to me. I gotta say, what faith in our relationship to know that, or believe that I would appreciate this and Not get offended. 

Well, he was right. I did NOT get offended. Instead I felt relief. finally an answer. Finally, something I can relate to, something I resonate with, something I knew, but never had a name for. 

Aspien Woman

I feel so relieved. I feel so much better about knowing this. 

I have become a "Self Advocate" for now. Who know what tomorrow will bring. Through this, I have delved into constant research and knowledge about this "hidden disability" called Asperger's. There are many sites out there, but I really do like Tania's site. It is simple, easy to understand and chalk full of information. There are a few other sites I have found and will continue to find. I am sure this isn't the last you will hear of this from me. I was trying to decided if I wanted to start a new site to talk about this or if this was the space for it and as you see, I decided to keep it here. I have been wanting to write more on this blog this year anyway and perhaps this is the boost I needed to do so. 

I know this topic can make other feel uncomfortable so if you decide to stop following me, I understand and promise not to take it personally. However, it would mean the world to me if you commented, shared and listened (read) my words as I am on this quest for knowledge and understanding of this topic and life.

Here are some of the sites I have favorited or followed so far that I like:

• https://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com 
• http://www.asperger-syndrome.me.uk/about.html 
• http://musingsofanaspie.com
• http://www.wrightslaw.com/info/autism.index.htm 
• https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/diagnosis/dsm-5-diagnostic-criteria 
• http://postcardsfromtheedgeofthespectrum.com/autism-movies
• http://www.aspergerstestsite.com

Take the test here if you are curious Test Site

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your love. 

Matthew West Survivors

Happy Fabulous Friday from TrishaTrixie

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Hi there, I am Trisha Trixie, Manifestor or Miracles and Sprinkler of Fabulousness, Life Designer, PinUp Model, Fashion Designer and Love of life!



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TrishaTrixie™ shares " Don't Put Off Tomorrow, What you Can Tell Someone...

Life and Loss

Today started out great. Woke up late. Had breakfast with HunEPants. Made tea. Took a shower. Got dressed. Etc..

I got on my computer and all of a sudden a message came on for my spouse to call his older brother right away.

Oh no. Pit of my stomach dropped. Immediately I new...my mother in law had passed. I just knew it. No one makes a big deal like that unless its death.

I was right. I didn't want to be, but I was. Ben's brother sadly found her when he went to go check on her. She had fallen and they thought it perhaps had been a few days. She lived alone with rabbits, dogs and a cat but none of them could call 911, so who knows how long she was really there. The underlying reason is still unknown. All we know is she is gone. She has passed away. She wasn't even 65.

Sadly, I have had one too many deaths I have had to deal with...

My uncle Harvey when I was 8. My father when I was 10. Grandparents on both sides years later. Best friends father when I was 16 and the list goes on...

This taught me very early on to live in the moment. To say what needs to be said. To talk, share and converse with others regularly. To let someone know you appreciate them and love them. To spend time with them. To show them you care.

Life is meant to be lived.

It really IS that simple.

Nancy had Behcet's and was constantly in pain. No matter what, she hurt. Meds or not.

But that never kept her from loving life, smiling, taking care of her kids and working hard.

Now, she is no longer in pain.

I keep saying to myself today "I am so glad she got to see Ben get married!" To some, that may sound trite, but I do meant it from my heart. It meant a lot to her and I almost feel like that is what she was waiting for. We got married in August and it it barely January now.

We never got to have a Christmas with her and as going to this year. We never got to spend a New Years Eve with her and was going to this year. We didn't get to see her as much because she lived so far. We didn't get to talk to her as much, because life was bust for us all. I could go on with the list of "we never got to's..." but that is pointless.

What it all means is exactly what I say year after year.

Life is meant to be lived. This life is meant to shine.

Stop living vicariously through others. 

Live vicariously through yourself.

Go do that thing you have been wanting to do. Start that business. Ask that person out. Tell someone how you feel. Take risks. Be adventurous. Savour every moment you get. tomorrow, might be the day you don't get it anymore. Cherish the moments and times you have. Put your damn phone down and look up and experience life! Life is in the moments. Capturing them is fine, but don't make your computer, your job, your cellphone, or anything more important that you truly living life and experiencing it.

To add to that, live your life FOR YOU.

Stop living to please everyone.

Stop living to "just get thru this moment" kinda thing. I hear so many people of divorce, live with others just to get thru it. But if you died today, would you wanted to die being unhappy and miserable? No? I didn't think so.

I hear others say, "Ill just work at this job I hate until I can _______. (fill in the blanks)  I'll just be miserable until I can___.

Until you can afford to do something else, until you get on your feet, until whatever. Stop waiting for whatever and live life in the now.

I have no regrets. I never have to worry about someone saying about me "Oh, how sad she never got to live life. She never got to...____" I know. KNOW I have lived a full and well lived life. I know I have done the things I wanted to do. I know I have been who I wanted to be. I know I have lived vicariously through myself and then some.

I am sad that we never got to have a Christmas or New Years Eve or many other holidays with Nancy, however, every moment we had with her was a fabulous blessing.

Like I said, there is one thing I am DEARLY happy about...an that is that she had the chance to be a part of mine and Ben's wedding. She made our arch. She decorated it. She put flowers and lights all over it. She bought champagne glasses so we could toast and she gave us a fabulous and sweet toast as well.

I may have only inherited a mother-in-law for a short amount of time....

but the moments I DID get to spend with her will always live on in my memory!


We love you Nancy Lynn Edwards...you will truly be missed!

Cheers to my mother in law

I  am so so glad she got to see us married

She loved to laugh

She had the sweetest spirit

The best smile

She always made everyone feel loved

She loved to play

She loved to dance

Nancy and Ben

Nancy and Ben

Nancy and Ben

You go girl! Now you can shake it all day long in heaven with no pain, a skip in your step and a smile for always...we love you...we miss you...you will be in our hearts forever!

Xoxo,

Trisha Trixie

One Step Away from officially Amazing....

A long time ago, ok more like three years ago, I had a Life Coach Susan Baronci Moe who decided to attempt to break a world record. I had not thought of something like this since I was a kid. I remember my school jumping rope for hours and soc hops that seemed to go on forever in these failed attempts. I thought, that is just what every school does. No biggee.

Flash forward to now, 2016. How often do you hear about people breaking world recording much less even thinking about attempting one? Not much huh?

Well, that was gonna change. I don't know why back in 2012 I didn't think of anything like this, but for some reason the idea of the Longest Running Mindfulness Coloring Event seemed unreal to me. Who would join? Who would participate? Would I be able to keep up? Would it even matter?

So back in October I applied with my idea. A representative informed me that that was not a regular record breaker so there was no reason not to try. Being teh fearless person I am, I said "What the hell" and gave it a go.

I created an event on Facebook listed here (if you want to see it) and then asked people to join me.
https://www.facebook.com/events/1664035623872364

Like all Facebook Events, many were invited, only a few joined. Even less participated. Only a mere 28 but the 28 were solid and consistent with their comments, posting and engagement in the project.

Facebook won't let you have an event longer than a few months so I had to cut it off on December 31st, 2015.

Since all the things I do keep me busy, I finally came up for air long enough to submit the other half. So I just did and now I am waiting. Pending. Sigh...

But, you now what I learned from this?

Anyone can attempt to break a World Record. Any person, group, community, family, organization, etc you name it.  So why not try?

The worst thing that can happen is you don't break the record. The best this is, you tried. I mean, really, in common conversation how many of you can say "I know someone who tried to break a world record" WEll, guess what? Now you can! Guess I have attempted it.

Like I said, we are still in the waiting game, but the experience it left me with is astounding. 

Wanna feel like you can do anything? Attempt to break a world record. After that, you will feel like you can conquer the world....because you can!

XoXo,

Trisha Trixie :)

My Fabulous Retro Tranquil Day

I realized I have been pretty stressed out lately. There have been so many changes, the end of the year is coming, this week marks the 35th anniversary of my father's passing, my menstruals started, I restarted acupuncture again, i haven't been sleeping well and my back and neck hurt a lot but I rarely talk about it beause 1: who wants ot hear that, 2: it is off better character to not dwell on these things and see the positive or have a positive attitude despite the pains and ailments.

We had a great weekend then Monday, whammo everything hurt and I barely wanted to go to acupuncture. Though it helped, I feel like it made my head worse and that has happened twice now, so uh yeah me and the doc are gonna be talking. Perhaps I overdid it this weekend as me and a friend as well as others, collected and put together 200 blessing bags, then we went to the 1940's Winter Ball at the Denver Wings Museum and then Sunday went downtown, handed out blessing bags and went to the chistkindl German Market. I wouldn't think that was a lot but maybe it was.

Regardless today I woke with a  migraine and my back hurt. I took the TCM herbs teh doc gave me and then took one of my cannabis herbs and lied there in bed for about an hour meditating with Calm.com and letting everything work. I lied there with a heating pad on my back, a heating bag on my head and an aromotherapy bag with scented herbs under my neck.

When I did get up I really didnt want to get online but I did to get Buffer.com and a few emails and such caught up and then I went to my Retro Cleaning list. The Kitchen looked like a tornado went through it and I wanted to escape in Retro Wife Land.

 

I follow Newbie Nesters Cleaning Lists for the Day and Week. Since I was behind on my cleaning and really didn't do a complete FALL CLEANING I did as many days as I could.

Monday - Kitchen

  q  Complete daily routine
q  Apply oven cleaner and let sit
q  Dust window shades, sills and baseboards
q  Clean and wash 2 cupboards and 2 drawers in a weekly rotation
q  Wipe down cabinet doors and walls behind sink and stove
q  Wipe down all appliances
q  Clean fridge: inside/out
q  Clean stove: inside/out
q  Wash garbage bin
q  Clean drain
q  Wash or beat rugs
q  Sweep, vacuum and mop floor

I got to work on the kitchen, putting dishes in the dishwasher and hand washing the rest. Then I added the handmade detergent mix I got off of Wellness Mama. Put in each part and left out vinegar and lemon to see it it made a difference in the film on the glasses we were having.

Then, I got to work on the oven. I took out the racks and then turned on the self cleaning feature. I would do this part by hand with baking soda and vinegar for the oven cleaner but since mine is self cleaning, I am gonna give it a go.

I did however make a paste and put it on the racks. First I spritzed with water then add the paste recipe for Over Cleaning I found here http://yumuniverse.com/make-your-own-inexpensive-toxin-free-natural-oven-cleaner/

I used one of my marinating brushes to apply the paste. Then I let that sit and go onto the next on her list...

I cleaned every cupboard and drawer, inside and out, top of the drawer and cupboard, the sides, you name it, I washed everyone and ours are so tall now, I needed to get the step stool. Who needs Jenny Craig when you Newbie Nesters? :)

Since I was going by the oven and stove I snuck in at that point to take the time to scrub the front and drawer underneath as well as the stovetop and the banister where we keep our mainly used spices. I even organized them and put my pie bird away!

Then I swept up the floor and emptied it in my little yellow rose floral dustpan I got at TJ Maxx and swept all the floors nearby as well.

Then, just as grandma would, I got down on all fours and started misting and scrubbing and using a knife to get off the crusties if need be, I even cleaned up the cat barf that had been there since the summer (no judging. smirk). I tried to use a shine cleaner to shine up the floor but when that didn't work I looked up DIY Wood Oil Cleaner and found one from Everyday Roots

Olive-Oil lemon polish

You will need…

-1 ½ cups of olive oil
-1 cup of lemon juice OR several drops of lemon essential oil
-2 clean cloths
-Spray bottle (optional)

The directions are here: http://everydayroots.com/natural-wood-polish-and-sealant

Then again, got down on my hands and knees and with a micro fiber for wood oil I polished my floor! Ok, so it's a tad bit slippery so I think a good game of human wood sliders is in order! lol


Since Tuesday is the bathroom and I actually JUST deep cleaned it last week, all I did in there was kitty litter, sweep and then oil mop.

Then I am caught up for Wednesday.

However I still needed to get caught up on the daily list:

Open blinds & windows

o    Make beds

o    Make breakfast

o    Clean up breakfast

o   Put dishes in washer, wipe counter, sweep Did this this afternoon

o    Shower & get ready for the day

o    Gather a basket for tidying. (I have an apron for this instead)

o    Straighten up living room & dining room

o   Fold blankets

o   Put away toys, movies, etc

o   Light dusting/cleaning

o   Water plants

o    Tidy bedrooms

o   Light dusting/cleaning

o   Hang any clothes lying around

o   Put dirty clothes in hamper

o    Tidy bathrooms

o   Remove and replace used towels

o   Refill toilet paper and soap

o   Clean sink, vanity, and mirror

o    Review menu for the day

o    Handle any errands like grocery shopping

o    If returning from grocery shopping:

o   Wash veggies and fruit

o   Put groceries away

o    Make lunch

o    Clean up lunch

o   Put dishes in washer, wipe counter, sweep

o    Begin preparation for supper

o    Put one load of laundry in machine (delay until 7pm)

o    Fold yesterday’s laundry and put it away

o    *Handle weekly chore

o    Set table for dinner

o    Quick sweep of main floor and clean up entryway

o    Prepare dinner

o    Freshen up for your husband

o    Serve dinner

o    Clean up dinner

o   Put dishes in washer, wipe counter, sweep

o    Pour boiling water down drain to ensure pipes are flushed

o    Throw out garbage

o    Pack lunches

o    Give all areas a quick tidy

o    Organize clothes and things for the next day

So finally got all that done. #HunEPants came how when I was cleaning up. I still was cleaning the fan blades and since they are so tall I had to stand on a ladder to get to them. I stood on the bed for the bedroom one and nearly scared me and the cts half to death when I felt like I was gonna fall. 

He was so shocked that the whole apartment was so shiny and clean. He was teasing me about how shiny the floor was and I said all we need now is some twister circles and some more oil! lol He got a chuckle out of that. 

We had dinner and then of course, there are dinner dishes to do.

Then I made tea and then were tea dishes to clean. I finally had to walk way...lol

So I came back here to tell you my tales.

When HunEPants asked why did I clean all day, it really made me think before answering.

In the words of Forrest Gump (slightly switched)" I just felt like cleaning." 

This morning my body ached every which way. I realized if I continued to lie there I would just feel worse. I knew by moving around my period cramps at least would feel better. So I waked and baked, grabing a little edibles to get me through the day and some TCM herbs in my morning tea and donw my Retro Cleaning list I went.

I know it was also in part that I really didn't want to get behind the computer. I was on it long enough to start Spotify then I got off. Cleaning all day I did.My floors are shiny, my cupboards are clean, my oven was clean, every inch of the kitchne right down to the appliances were clean. The bedroom was tidy and clean and even the bathroom has a sparkle to it.

HunEPants noticing this of course, made me very happy.

The other part was that I didn't really want to think. I didn't want to answer emails. I didn't want to possibly end up in Facebook drama or email drama. I didn't want to get online to Buffer things. I just wanted to clean. Listen to music and clean.

So that's what I did.

All damn day.

You know what?

It felt great. Real sense of accomplishment. And I had a quiet peaceful day.

Now I am caught up on my cleaning and ready for Wednesdays tasks, though since I have meeting on Wednesdays I might have to move that to Thursday.

I really DO love being a housewife.

I want to be more of a housewife! (Well, I am sure you don't hear THAT very often in 2015)

I want to can vegetables and pick berries and feed chickens and all that.

I have been dreaming often about a cabin in the woods and the base of a mountain so much so I told HunEPants maybe I should write a story about it. Maybe then it will come true.

Dunno.

Just know I had a nice quiet, peaceful, relaxing, cleaning day.

Instead of focusing on drama, I focused on getting the crud off the kitchen floor.

Sometimes, I think we just need a day to ourselves sometimes. 

In the effort of Non-thinking, though I was in DOING mode, it was a different kind of DOING mode. It was DOING, mindfully. I thought about everything I was doing while I was doing it. Just that. Just what I was doing. Cleaning the cupboards, scrubbing the floor, scouring the sink. That's it. Just those thoughts. You know what?

It was the most refreshing day I have had in a long time.

My back is more sore, but it was worth it for the time of tranquility.

Xoxo,

Trisha Trixie <3

Some Days

Some days just aren't what you thought they would be.

That can be good and bad.


Things kept going wrong, my computer kept crashing, again. Food kept falling on the floor, the tea I made was wrong...I just felt like going back to bed.

I thought today I would be spending time looking online,buying online games with #HunEPants and doing fun things.

Instead, a friend who was visiting in town needed a place to hang for a bit, they thought they were gonna crash but I think I board the hell outta them and they in turn ate then left. We talked for awhile and visited and that was fun, just again, not what I thought it was going to be. HunEPants stayed in his cave playing games and relaxing through the evening.

After the friends left, I went online and spent the rest of my time working out gift arrangements for his family. Which seems to always be one of those thankless tasks. I still feel it is a wife's duty to help out her man and get all that organized, cards, letters, gifts etc. Thankless or not.

Then in an effort to try and find a cord for me, he spilled something all over a bag of mine which, of course, didn't make me too happy.

Now, all of a sudden he has a headache and is going to bed.

I can't win for losing.

Now I am scrambling to look online for Any CyberMonday Deals "I" may want.

Some days..it just feels like a non starter.

Yet instead, I do what I feel what must be done.

Smile.

Keep my wits about me.

Make everything that was lemons into lemonade...and add vodka...lots of it.

All is Well in TrixieLand

Hello my lovelies,

I love to start a conversation or end one that way. It seems so 1940's, very Joan Crawford or something. Like saying Dahhlings or something. Anywhosit...just wanted to shout out a little update on posts and let you know all is well here in TrixieLand.

I have made a few friends I think I can call DEAR friends. The best of all, they are women. So rare for me, I think it took awhile to claim these women as truly friends. I have been stepped on, shit on, walked all over and then some, more times in life than I can remember. One would think it would harden my heart and change my soul...

but it doesn't.

I refuse to allow the outside world influence my actions and turn me into something I am not.

No matter what.

Even if I am in pain, I will smile a simple sweet smile and carry on. Which is what I have done for the past two weeks, sadly. I was in a lot of pain about a week ago and wasn't able to do more than sit on a heating pad, lying down, which, come on, like really, how much work can someone get done lying down (get your mind out of the gutter)? Not much. So then I got behind on things and I couldn't hardly go out, and I was getting depressed and then no one would ever answer when I would call, and people didn't have time for me and honestly, it made me pretty darn sad and depressed and the whole thing was becoming a vicious cycle.

And then...I meditated.

and meditated...

yep, and meditated...

and then I was able to start doing some yoga...

then I mediated some more...

and slowly between these two things I was slowly coming back around...

and then a miracle happened...

I found an Acupuncturist...who delves into TCM, Traditional Chines Medicine and he is Chinese. Holy cow, I hit the motherload!

As I went in, my back was hunched over and I was in so much pain, when I walked out I was fully upright and feeling amazing. In addition to that, I have for the past three years told Iowa doctors I thought it was my Kidney and no one listened. AS Dr. Nan was assess me, the first thing he says is "Whoa, your Kidneys and Liver are a mess!" I nearly burst into tears. Finally,someone who thinks what I think.

I have seen him for a few days last week and now today and Wednesday too. Plus I got some TCM powder I have been drinking all day and have felt so much better, physically.

Emotionally, been a little up and down, but I am menstruating and PMSing so I am sure I am a tad bit emotional but it seems to be more than that and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why.

As I was typing blogs and taking care of some social media business, I was in the middle of a blog and it made me think about the song Raise Me Up by Josh Groban (Who btw has the most phenom voice I have ever hear and would give anything to see him if I could, that has got to be one of my biggest wishes). AS I was typing this blog on my business site about women and how they have lifted me up, I was listening to the song and just started crying. HARD.

Another song followed, and I got more and more emotional.

HunEPants came home and so dinner had to be made and a new neighbor friend was coming over for Monday dinner so, enough of the emotional crap, Trisha. And the night went on and we laughed, M and I giggled about past men and their faults and foibles and certain men that are just life suckers and other friends and people who will suck the life force outta you if you let them and we just laughed on and on.

When she left I thought "Ya know, Life is pretty good here in Denver! I have made some amazing friends, get to see E every now and then ;) and got to have Cin in my wedding.  I have a great successful business and am enjoying starting a new one. The apartment complex makes me want to pull my hair out once in awhile, but all in all, All is Well. Then I sighed and smiled a cheesy smile.

Je suis content

I am not homeless.

I am not in an unhappy marriage.

I am not abused.

I am not without.

I am not lost.

MY life...is actually pretty good.

All is well in TrixieLand.

I have Magic Beans.

;)

Being Mindfully Country Strong

As I was getting ready the other day and had Spotify on, Bubbly from Colbie Callait came on. As if that wasn't bad enough, the next song was Hey There Delilah, by Plain White T's.

Why is that "bad enough"? Because why is it when things are going good, someone starts throwing wrenches that affect your feelings? idk. hell. my step dad would say "For the halibut"

Those songs are from moments with the exbf. And no matter how mcuh I love another, I will always stop, take a quick breath when I hear those songs.

Hell, I still remember the song "Wallflowers was mine and my ex husbands song.

But it doesn't hit me like the song me and J had together. I never loved anyone before J and although J will say and believe to his dying breath I never loved him, he would be wrong.

When I have more memories than I could contain...
When I'm feeling weak...
When I'm feeling sad or down...
When I am feeling like I can't face it, the it whatever "IT" is...

I watch Country Strong. I weep a bit, I let my heart feel. I allow those feelings to come forth so they can come out. This is an act of mindfulness. Recognizing. Awareness. Allowing. Accepting. Thanking the feeling for being there. Then letting go and moving on....

The song I love the best from this movie is Stronger

"My heart never will be the same, but I keep telling myself Ill be ok..."

Life comes at us pretty fast sometimes. We barely have time to think much less feel.

Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible.  ~ CountryStrong

What I want to say is this... don't be afraid to let yourself feel. 

Just like the quote from Country Strong I want to reiterate...

Don't be afraid to feel. Feel as many things as possible. Allow yourself to feel sadness when it comes. Acknowledge it, and let it move within you. When you hold it down and try to suffocate it, you only end up hurting yourself. Feel the sadness. Then feel the peace and calm you get once you have cried those tears. Once you have allowed your heart to feel. Once you have taken a deep breath. And you make that sigh sound, when you finally feel the release and let it go.

We must know the bitter to know the sweet.

We must know sadness to know joy.

It's all just the circle of life.

Namaste,

Trixie

If Money Was No Object?

If Money were no object, what would you actually desire to do? Then why aren't you doing that now? Live your passion, the Rest, will Follow!

Xo TrishaTrixie

So Much Overhelm

So much overwhelm.

I dont even know what to say anymore.

I really want to get back to that feeling of pece I had when I was in Brave Girls but I feel like it is so very far away.

I don't have that person. In Grey's Anatomy Meredith and Shtina talk often about how they are each others "Person"

Who is my person?
I don't have one.
I never have.
Just when I think I do, I don't.
I have new friends.
I have old friends
I have those who know me
I have those who tell me to call anytime, but they are not my person.
Will I ever have a "person"

I take solace right now in listening to KLOVE Radio and allowing my heart ot feel.
Allowing my heart to cry
Allowing my heart to feel.

I am marrying a fabulous man in less than 20 days away and as it stands I have no family who is planning on attending my wedding. I, like many brides, am planning so much of this on my own, but even my MOH is MIA and who am I to fault her for being so far away?

I am trying to do things on a shoe string budget, which is fine, but damn it would be nice to have help once in awhile. Even the new gal who was gonna help me, of course bailed on me.

I don't share this often but at time I still feel slightly broken from the life that came before me. I feel I will never shake it. I have overcome it, yes and I am fabulous yes, but there is still that high school girl insecurity deep down and I think we all have our demons. Learning to overcome them does not remove us from them, it merely helps us to survive, succeed and move on.

I am the promoter of my business, doing it alone, netowkring alone, and so much alone.

I have become comfortable being alone and at time relish in it. However, there are times, I really wish I had a "person"

Tonight is a rare night, when I think WAY too much is going on and I am holding my own, but I really just want to go off somewhere and have a good cry....

Fighting for the Dream

I am so frustrated right now that I am just not sure whether to scream or cry.

I am fighting for this dream and I seem to be the only one with the vision.

I am bootstrapping it all the way and trying to get everything ready to go.

On top of that I am planning a wedding, still unpacking from the move, frustrated our house back in Iowa hasn't sold yet and doing everything I can not to go cuckoo!

There is a lack of patience on others part and I am sure it is my own fault because normally I am so responsive that when I am not, they just jump the gun and do what THEY want, not thinking what would be the most help for me or to me.

80% of startups fail.

I am fighting a hard battle and could really use your patience. I may not respond to your FB message right away, your email, or your text. But that doesn't mean I wasn't going to. Give me a breath to answer you, please.

I am a one woman show.

I do not have capital. I am bootstrapping it. Meaning every dollar spent is from my personal income.

I am stressed, in chronic pain I don't show because I refuse to be the grouch,  and frustrated.

I miss my old friends.

I love my new friends, but building those relationships don't happen overnight.

The ones I thought I would see I feel don't care enough to make me a priority in their life. I don't know what to do about that. It saddens me. But what to do.

As always I am alone, the one going and doing everything, alone.

When I want to do social things. Alone.

When I want to do business things. Alone.

I had this misconception that I would be hanging out with friends all teh time and I would come here knowing some people but of course, I am let down because I instilled that expectation and now I have been let down and it is my own fault.

Fighting for the dream to have a successful startup, do your own business, be successful, all of that, takes a lot of work and if I even had ONE person that was that one person I could share all of this with would be so much easier.

I am not giving up the fight.

Just felt the need to vent out my frustrations and I don't even know what to think or say or do anymore without fear of hurting someones feelings or pissing them off if I say something. So like always, my thoughts go out into the sir of the internet...

Maybe others who are also fighting for their dreams will see this. Maybe someone will understand....