I have been thinking a lot about what the pastor said about what God has designed for our lives. I have been praying for my life and I thought I have been letting go and letting God and the I thought, Have I really? And I realized, no I don't think I have. I think I have been praying and saying I have been giving it to him but been holding on to this one little edge of it and saying here lord you take this whole page but I will just hold on to this edge of it. That is not letting God handle things. I used to be so spiritually in tune and felt like I had such a purpose and was doing so much to reach out to others and I just have not felt that way lately. I have just felt so lethargic and distant and even a word that someone used recently...disdain...
Having this time to reflect just makes matters worse for me as well. I knelt down right after thinking that and burst into tears and prayed fervently to God and cried out "Help me dear Lord Help me. I don't even know what to pray for anymore. I give to you my broken heart and contrite spirit. Do I pray for tolerance, do I pray for guidance, do I pray for patience, do I pray for my relationship, do I pray for a job, do I pray for a place to live, I have no clue, I have no idea anymore, all I know is to pray to you...to just help me...as the song says...if we ever needed help, we need you now, I need you now, I need you now" and I just kept crying for about an hour and saying that over and over " I need you now, I don't know what to do, help me" while on my knees.
It has been a long time since I prayed like that actually. when I was done, I went to the bathroom I washed my face and just stared in the mirror and then sat down on the edge on the tub. I was fully clothed but a thought came to me that I have never had before.
I have two people that I know that do Motivational Speaking. For some reason the thought came to me about that. The pastor said that sometimes God has plans for us that we may never think of. well, that definitely was something I never would have thought of. Nate wanted to do that. A long time ago I did ponder it, but I let it pass. But now, well, I don't know. Maybe I need to take the steps to start thinking about that.
I have been told many times that I influence the lives of others. I have been told that I make a difference. I have been told that I am an inspiration. I have been told that because of what I have gone through in life and the fact that I can still get up every day and still smile and still have and desire relationships with men and relationships in life and love life and savor it, these things and many other things that I can empathize with others could touch others lives. So, well, who knows.
The pastors message has been about dreams...and last night I literally had a dream about it. I was on a stand hosting another speaker, sharing about my life and theirs, we were speaking together and it was like WHOA, where did that dream come from? I was a Motivational Speaker on a Speaking Tour. So, maybe God does have a different "dream" for me...
All I know is..well... I never thought of that...
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I Think We're Alone Now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=826PTEuHKhE
I was talking to a friend recently about being alone and doing things alone and it made me realize that a lot of people don't realize that I have spent a good majority of my life doing and being just that - ALONE.
My sisters were older when I was living at home so they were always out and about when I was living in Iowa. I spent most of my time growing up under ten years old sitting on the play set swinging and singing songs to myself. Making up my own lyrics (never writing them down sadly) and just singing and kicking my feet to swing. I could sit out there for hours and in fact most times I did. I would lose track of time sitting there or sitting on the tire swing, swinging back and forth just singing my own songs about life. I sang about the farm and the country and even about being alone at that time.
Then my dad passed away and I went to live with my mom and she worked all the time before and after Lew came into our lives and I was alone then. I went to school alone. I rarely had someone to walk with. I walked down Beach up Chapman and then down Dale over to Rancho or I would walk down Beach up Orange and then down Dale. Once in awhile my friend Tracey G would catch me and as I was older I had another friend whose dad had a limo and we would ride to school in their limo every now and then. Once I got my car in my last year of high school I used to offer to pick Sheri up every now and then but no, mostly I walked alone or rode alone.
I walked home from school alone as well but if I was lucky Kevin Orbaker was walking the same direction as me or Tony Rose, or sometimes Tim...hmm what was his name? Funny how you can have a crush on someone in High School and then years later not even remember a person's last name. Anyway he lived behind these gates off Beach Blvd and sometimes I would walk with him but he had a girlfriend so I think it creeped him out that I walked with him more than anything. If Kevin was walking home it was nice to walk with him but he also had a girlfriend and I had a crush on him too (I was always crushing on everyone in HS because I was alone).
Then in my Junior and Senior years of High School I feel in CRUSH with Mike Willey..sigh. I went to every game and every meet he was in. I sat in the stands, I went to everything I could that was local. He at least wrote in my Yearbook (thanks for going to all my B-ball games), well at least he noticed. :) But I went to those alone as well.
Other than doing those things I went every Saturday to the movies ALONE. I went at noon and hung out until the last showing. my friend Ed worked there and would give me the lowdown on the movies so I would movie hop and see a few of them until my stepdad came to pick me up or until I walked home ALONE.
I went to all the dances in HS alone. I went to Prom alone. I didn't date in HS like other girls and in fact my first kiss was not even until I was a month away from being 18 years old.
I had friends who were turn their nose up when they heard all the things I did alone. they would say "I could never go to the movies alone or eat out alone." Well, I felt like if I waited around fro someone to do those things with me then I would be waiting forever and I didn't want to miss out on life just because I didn't have someone to share it with.
It amazes me how many people do that. Miss out on living life because they are waiting for someone to take their hand and do things with them. I have never been that person and I don't ever want to be. I am starting to wonder if I am becoming that person though. Am I waiting around for someone to be there for me? Am I waiting for someone to hold my hand and take me through life? Am I not living life anymore because I am waiting for someone to do things with me? I hope not but it does make me start thinking.
I wasn't alone on Christmas Eve. I did get to spend it with someone special in my life. I was happy about that. There was an added person to the mix I could have done without and there is constantly now an added person I could live without, but that is a topic for another time. I was however alone on Christmas. It wasn't like I was excluded because I was NOT. He did invite me to go with him, but I declined. Because I don't like where he was going. The only people I like there was the one and only person who got me a gift and someone under 10 years of age and it gets frowned upon when I play with her Hannah Montana :)
I ended up spending it with friends going to the movies and then we went out for Chinese at China Buffet. We talked and had a good time. A few of my other friends were so shocked that I handled being alone on Christmas SO WELL and that is what made me think about writing this today.
Of course I handled being alone SO WELL. It is what I know. It is who I am. It is what I have become. I go to the movies alone. I go out to eat alone. I went to many things alone. I am in my car alone a lot. I shop alone. I eat alone. I used to cry when in High School and ponder if there would ever be anyone for me, if I was destined to always be alone.
I used to listen to that song by Tiffany "I think we're alone now" and it has a much different meaning for me than I think it does for others. Of course I am used to being alone. It is me and I am it.
I was married for ten years and I was alone. I have been in a relationship for three years and still alone.
As I sit and write you now, I am not with any man, not in any life, not in any job, not in any existence but alone....
I was talking to a friend recently about being alone and doing things alone and it made me realize that a lot of people don't realize that I have spent a good majority of my life doing and being just that - ALONE.
My sisters were older when I was living at home so they were always out and about when I was living in Iowa. I spent most of my time growing up under ten years old sitting on the play set swinging and singing songs to myself. Making up my own lyrics (never writing them down sadly) and just singing and kicking my feet to swing. I could sit out there for hours and in fact most times I did. I would lose track of time sitting there or sitting on the tire swing, swinging back and forth just singing my own songs about life. I sang about the farm and the country and even about being alone at that time.
Then my dad passed away and I went to live with my mom and she worked all the time before and after Lew came into our lives and I was alone then. I went to school alone. I rarely had someone to walk with. I walked down Beach up Chapman and then down Dale over to Rancho or I would walk down Beach up Orange and then down Dale. Once in awhile my friend Tracey G would catch me and as I was older I had another friend whose dad had a limo and we would ride to school in their limo every now and then. Once I got my car in my last year of high school I used to offer to pick Sheri up every now and then but no, mostly I walked alone or rode alone.
I walked home from school alone as well but if I was lucky Kevin Orbaker was walking the same direction as me or Tony Rose, or sometimes Tim...hmm what was his name? Funny how you can have a crush on someone in High School and then years later not even remember a person's last name. Anyway he lived behind these gates off Beach Blvd and sometimes I would walk with him but he had a girlfriend so I think it creeped him out that I walked with him more than anything. If Kevin was walking home it was nice to walk with him but he also had a girlfriend and I had a crush on him too (I was always crushing on everyone in HS because I was alone).
Then in my Junior and Senior years of High School I feel in CRUSH with Mike Willey..sigh. I went to every game and every meet he was in. I sat in the stands, I went to everything I could that was local. He at least wrote in my Yearbook (thanks for going to all my B-ball games), well at least he noticed. :) But I went to those alone as well.
Other than doing those things I went every Saturday to the movies ALONE. I went at noon and hung out until the last showing. my friend Ed worked there and would give me the lowdown on the movies so I would movie hop and see a few of them until my stepdad came to pick me up or until I walked home ALONE.
I went to all the dances in HS alone. I went to Prom alone. I didn't date in HS like other girls and in fact my first kiss was not even until I was a month away from being 18 years old.
I had friends who were turn their nose up when they heard all the things I did alone. they would say "I could never go to the movies alone or eat out alone." Well, I felt like if I waited around fro someone to do those things with me then I would be waiting forever and I didn't want to miss out on life just because I didn't have someone to share it with.
It amazes me how many people do that. Miss out on living life because they are waiting for someone to take their hand and do things with them. I have never been that person and I don't ever want to be. I am starting to wonder if I am becoming that person though. Am I waiting around for someone to be there for me? Am I waiting for someone to hold my hand and take me through life? Am I not living life anymore because I am waiting for someone to do things with me? I hope not but it does make me start thinking.
I wasn't alone on Christmas Eve. I did get to spend it with someone special in my life. I was happy about that. There was an added person to the mix I could have done without and there is constantly now an added person I could live without, but that is a topic for another time. I was however alone on Christmas. It wasn't like I was excluded because I was NOT. He did invite me to go with him, but I declined. Because I don't like where he was going. The only people I like there was the one and only person who got me a gift and someone under 10 years of age and it gets frowned upon when I play with her Hannah Montana :)
I ended up spending it with friends going to the movies and then we went out for Chinese at China Buffet. We talked and had a good time. A few of my other friends were so shocked that I handled being alone on Christmas SO WELL and that is what made me think about writing this today.
Of course I handled being alone SO WELL. It is what I know. It is who I am. It is what I have become. I go to the movies alone. I go out to eat alone. I went to many things alone. I am in my car alone a lot. I shop alone. I eat alone. I used to cry when in High School and ponder if there would ever be anyone for me, if I was destined to always be alone.
I used to listen to that song by Tiffany "I think we're alone now" and it has a much different meaning for me than I think it does for others. Of course I am used to being alone. It is me and I am it.
I was married for ten years and I was alone. I have been in a relationship for three years and still alone.
As I sit and write you now, I am not with any man, not in any life, not in any job, not in any existence but alone....
My church has been discussing the Christmas of our dreams. The series ended tonight but last week was even more interesting and I didn't say anything about it. I want to say something about it now along with what tonight's message was in more detail.
Last week it was When Dream Becomes Nightmares
When God Messes up our plans what are we to do. Matthew 213-19
We are to remember that God is trying to get our ATTENTION. Everyone always wants a sign or an angel but we don't need that for one and as well God gives us signs every day we just need to open our eyes to see them. Some people need a 2x4 to smack them over the head to notice what God is trying to tell you and he has to put your life in despair for you to notice.
"For I know the plans I have for you" Jeremiah 29:11
How do you know you are NOT living God's Dream for your life?
3 Things:
1. You are Fatigue
2. You are Frustrated
3. You are Fearful
These are signs that you are trying too hard to live your OWN dream and not God's dream for your life.
There will always be another hill to climb.
He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants you to know the plan and purpose he has for you.
He wants you know and use the gifts and talents that you have and build your dreams and use them for a greater good.
God interrupts our dreams in order to get our attention. God's dreams are often bigger than our dreams.
God's dreams are often better than our dreams.
Or dreams are smaller and nothing compared to what he has in store for us if we would only let him work in our lives than we could see it.
(this is the one where I looked up to pay attention I must say) -God's dreams for our relationships are better than what we could imagine....God may want you to run from your relationship. God may want you to stop the pain and stop the hurting. God may be saying you have had enough. (I nearly lost it when I heard this and deeply gulped write down the note and looked back up)
Remember...
where there is Satan there is=Temptation
where there is God there is=Inspiration
Let go and let go and you to could have all the dreams you desire.
Tonight's lesson was Where Dreams Collide and to join in last week's notes and this weeks I reminded myself to think...
think and ask myself...
Am I seeking god's will?
Am I letting go and letting God?
Is what I am doing in my life and in my relationship building up God or tearing him down?
Is my partner helping this in my life or hurting this?
Is my partner supporting this or idly standing by?
Am I too focused on my "personal"dreams to see what "God's dream is for me anymore? I say "anymore" because I remember when I use to speak of God every day. I remember when I sued to feel like I was so spiritually in tune with god that I felt like I WAS fulfilling god's purpose here on earth. I was serving God and serving others. I don;t feel like I need to be a Mormon to do that anymore but I don't feel like I do enough to fulfill that. I know that God has more planned for me that being a IT person. I know I make a difference in this world and I have been so wrapped up in myself that I have NOT done enough for others.
A dream can be united. Others can help you reach your dream. Others you never thought imaginable can help you reach your dream. Others can join in with you and share your dream or help you see your dream or help you see a dream you never knew you had and that could be the dream god wants you to have.
Pray that god will show you your dream.
Pray that your hear will be open to see the dream God has for you.
God bless.
Happy New Year.
I hope you enjoyed my notes. :)
Last week it was When Dream Becomes Nightmares
When God Messes up our plans what are we to do. Matthew 213-19
We are to remember that God is trying to get our ATTENTION. Everyone always wants a sign or an angel but we don't need that for one and as well God gives us signs every day we just need to open our eyes to see them. Some people need a 2x4 to smack them over the head to notice what God is trying to tell you and he has to put your life in despair for you to notice.
"For I know the plans I have for you" Jeremiah 29:11
How do you know you are NOT living God's Dream for your life?
3 Things:
1. You are Fatigue
2. You are Frustrated
3. You are Fearful
These are signs that you are trying too hard to live your OWN dream and not God's dream for your life.
There will always be another hill to climb.
He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants you to know the plan and purpose he has for you.
He wants you know and use the gifts and talents that you have and build your dreams and use them for a greater good.
God interrupts our dreams in order to get our attention. God's dreams are often bigger than our dreams.
God's dreams are often better than our dreams.
Or dreams are smaller and nothing compared to what he has in store for us if we would only let him work in our lives than we could see it.
(this is the one where I looked up to pay attention I must say) -God's dreams for our relationships are better than what we could imagine....God may want you to run from your relationship. God may want you to stop the pain and stop the hurting. God may be saying you have had enough. (I nearly lost it when I heard this and deeply gulped write down the note and looked back up)
Remember...
where there is Satan there is=Temptation
where there is God there is=Inspiration
Let go and let go and you to could have all the dreams you desire.
Tonight's lesson was Where Dreams Collide and to join in last week's notes and this weeks I reminded myself to think...
think and ask myself...
Am I seeking god's will?
Am I letting go and letting God?
Is what I am doing in my life and in my relationship building up God or tearing him down?
Is my partner helping this in my life or hurting this?
Is my partner supporting this or idly standing by?
Am I too focused on my "personal"dreams to see what "God's dream is for me anymore? I say "anymore" because I remember when I use to speak of God every day. I remember when I sued to feel like I was so spiritually in tune with god that I felt like I WAS fulfilling god's purpose here on earth. I was serving God and serving others. I don;t feel like I need to be a Mormon to do that anymore but I don't feel like I do enough to fulfill that. I know that God has more planned for me that being a IT person. I know I make a difference in this world and I have been so wrapped up in myself that I have NOT done enough for others.
A dream can be united. Others can help you reach your dream. Others you never thought imaginable can help you reach your dream. Others can join in with you and share your dream or help you see your dream or help you see a dream you never knew you had and that could be the dream god wants you to have.
Pray that god will show you your dream.
Pray that your hear will be open to see the dream God has for you.
God bless.
Happy New Year.
I hope you enjoyed my notes. :)
Friday, December 24, 2010
Dreams
Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes lyrics or music says how I feel, or exemplifies a feeling or embodies what I am wanting to say. I have been feeling so, melancholy lately and feeling like my dreams are so far away. I went to church tonight and it was about the "Christmas of our Dreams". Then tonight, I found this song and it is like it spoke to me and I wanted to share with you, my friends and external family
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gThm6vHwCQ&feature=related
Til Dreams Come True
Lean your head over and have no fear
Hope springs eternal to all ears that hear
Lay down your longing and cry your tears
Your spark shall be honored, your heart's being
steered
We were lost almost two thousand years
Thinking someday a sign might appear
While love through the cloven sky peers
Over all we do
'Til dreams come true
Every way beauty is slain, it's seen
Though no work is uttered, a grave silence rings
Underfoot innocents on the scene
With humble hearts shudder, assembling a dream
And in each one a manger is seen
Where the dark, by the spark, is redeemed
While milk through the firmament streams
Over all we do
'Til dreams come true
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gThm6vHwCQ&feature=related
Til Dreams Come True
Lean your head over and have no fear
Hope springs eternal to all ears that hear
Lay down your longing and cry your tears
Your spark shall be honored, your heart's being
steered
We were lost almost two thousand years
Thinking someday a sign might appear
While love through the cloven sky peers
Over all we do
'Til dreams come true
Every way beauty is slain, it's seen
Though no work is uttered, a grave silence rings
Underfoot innocents on the scene
With humble hearts shudder, assembling a dream
And in each one a manger is seen
Where the dark, by the spark, is redeemed
While milk through the firmament streams
Over all we do
'Til dreams come true
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Ode to Joy
In my attempts to try and be Hapy...here is a little clip for you today-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpcUxwpOQ_A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpcUxwpOQ_A
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Shower
I lied in the shower today...staring at the water, watching the droplets of my life pour down the drain. Each little droplets as it ran down my leg. I looked at my fingers and noticed they were starting to prune. I was amazed at the thought that one could prune while sitting in the shower.
I started out sitting then let my body slide down into lying position and let myself drown in my sorrows of the water.My tears melded with the water so much so that I wasn't sure where the water from the shower ended and my tears began.
I watched further as the drops ran into the drain and ran away. That's what I want to do, just run away. Go where no one could find me. What would it matter anymore?
I am trying so hard and I know so is he. It doesn't stop me from feeling this turmoil, this pain of my life. I cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis. I wake with migraines. I let him have the reins as not to bother him, make him feel like he needs to pander to me.Waiting, wanting, yearning...and now asking myself...who is this person I am becoming?
Why can't things be happy again? Why do they have to be so strained? Why can't they just be simple?
I was so happy when we were in the apartment, just us. Yes it was crowded but it was just me and him and we had each other.
I wish for so many things while I am lying here in the shower now.
Mostly, I just wish, my once favorite time of the year...was over...and I wish there was more hot water...
I started out sitting then let my body slide down into lying position and let myself drown in my sorrows of the water.My tears melded with the water so much so that I wasn't sure where the water from the shower ended and my tears began.
I watched further as the drops ran into the drain and ran away. That's what I want to do, just run away. Go where no one could find me. What would it matter anymore?
I am trying so hard and I know so is he. It doesn't stop me from feeling this turmoil, this pain of my life. I cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis. I wake with migraines. I let him have the reins as not to bother him, make him feel like he needs to pander to me.Waiting, wanting, yearning...and now asking myself...who is this person I am becoming?
Why can't things be happy again? Why do they have to be so strained? Why can't they just be simple?
I was so happy when we were in the apartment, just us. Yes it was crowded but it was just me and him and we had each other.
I wish for so many things while I am lying here in the shower now.
Mostly, I just wish, my once favorite time of the year...was over...and I wish there was more hot water...
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Like Me
I one day was looking for a site like mine. I was looking for understanding. I was looking for someone, anyone out there who understood who wrote like me and lo and behold down from the heavens this site fell into my lap
http://buddhathepig.wordpress.com/
Normal is a Setting on the Dryer
Divorced Dating Mom Under the Sheets
I am not quite the same of course. But it was nice to find someone who understood. It was nice to find someone who feels my pain. Someone who feels what I feel. When I read her writing I thin "Was she in my head? OR was I in hers?" then I laugh.
I know others who find it odd to write out into the great wide open for all to see. Who else will care? Who else will read what I wrote? Am I doing anything but just rambling? Does anyone read what I say? I mean other than the rare few who KNOW about my blog and then here is her site...reaching to others and it made me think and realize something today when I was reading what she had to say...
Who might be reading my site that DOESN'T comment?
Who maybe reads this and wonders if I have posted anything new?
Who reads this and says "Hmm, thank you for that. That moved me or inspired me or that helped me get through my day today."
Maybe there are others out there I don't even know about. Maybe, jsut maybe the words I share and things I say touch the life of someone else and is making a difference.
And for those of you who know me and now for any who don't...a motto strong in my life is "To make a positive difference in the lives of those I come in contact with", so who knows...
maybe just maybe my words make a difference...
and that alone keeps me HOPING "Dryer Lady, Miss Obvious" like you as well as many other things that give me HOPE, because I know in my heart...life without Hope...
...well...is just hopeless...and well that's just not me. :)
http://buddhathepig.wordpress.com/
Normal is a Setting on the Dryer
Divorced Dating Mom Under the Sheets
I am not quite the same of course. But it was nice to find someone who understood. It was nice to find someone who feels my pain. Someone who feels what I feel. When I read her writing I thin "Was she in my head? OR was I in hers?" then I laugh.
I know others who find it odd to write out into the great wide open for all to see. Who else will care? Who else will read what I wrote? Am I doing anything but just rambling? Does anyone read what I say? I mean other than the rare few who KNOW about my blog and then here is her site...reaching to others and it made me think and realize something today when I was reading what she had to say...
Who might be reading my site that DOESN'T comment?
Who maybe reads this and wonders if I have posted anything new?
Who reads this and says "Hmm, thank you for that. That moved me or inspired me or that helped me get through my day today."
Maybe there are others out there I don't even know about. Maybe, jsut maybe the words I share and things I say touch the life of someone else and is making a difference.
And for those of you who know me and now for any who don't...a motto strong in my life is "To make a positive difference in the lives of those I come in contact with", so who knows...
maybe just maybe my words make a difference...
and that alone keeps me HOPING "Dryer Lady, Miss Obvious" like you as well as many other things that give me HOPE, because I know in my heart...life without Hope...
...well...is just hopeless...and well that's just not me. :)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Be Careful
Be Careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
I have learned along the way that many people gripe about what they want. My friends say they want this or that and then don't like the journey to get there. We have to realize that the journey to get there may not be the easiest.
Also oft time people say they want one thing or another and then when those things happen to them, they don't like the end results. They didn't realize it would be this way or that way.
Like for example far too many people have said because of having my own business I do not understand the expectation to respond to me. They feel as though they have to "pander" to me or that I am being unreasonable.
So, fine then. I think about it and think ok maybe you are right. Maybe I am "bothering" them. So I stop texting and stop emailing and then they say " What's going on, I haven't heard from you all day?"
Well, which is it? Which do you desire? I don't want to bother you. I don't like being told you feel like you need to pander to me. I don't like being told I am being unreasonable.
So, new rules for Trisha, unless I have receive something from you, I will not be reaching out to you during the day. If you choose to hear from me, you need to say so. If you choose to see me, you need to say so. I am fed up with my friends, family and others saying I am being unreasonable and my expectations are too high.
No worries. I expect NOTHING from anyone anymore. Surprise the hell out of me, I dare you. I double dog dare you :)
I have learned along the way that many people gripe about what they want. My friends say they want this or that and then don't like the journey to get there. We have to realize that the journey to get there may not be the easiest.
Also oft time people say they want one thing or another and then when those things happen to them, they don't like the end results. They didn't realize it would be this way or that way.
Like for example far too many people have said because of having my own business I do not understand the expectation to respond to me. They feel as though they have to "pander" to me or that I am being unreasonable.
So, fine then. I think about it and think ok maybe you are right. Maybe I am "bothering" them. So I stop texting and stop emailing and then they say " What's going on, I haven't heard from you all day?"
Well, which is it? Which do you desire? I don't want to bother you. I don't like being told you feel like you need to pander to me. I don't like being told I am being unreasonable.
So, new rules for Trisha, unless I have receive something from you, I will not be reaching out to you during the day. If you choose to hear from me, you need to say so. If you choose to see me, you need to say so. I am fed up with my friends, family and others saying I am being unreasonable and my expectations are too high.
No worries. I expect NOTHING from anyone anymore. Surprise the hell out of me, I dare you. I double dog dare you :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
life
i hate my life
I hate turmoil
I hate confrontation
I hate waiting
I hate the hard life I have had
I hate the issues that face me
I hate trying to do the right thing
I hate crying at night
I hate having panic attacks
I hate relationships
I most of all
just hate my life anymore
I really think giving up is a much better option
What's the point of trying anymore?
I really don't want to be here anymore...
I hate turmoil
I hate confrontation
I hate waiting
I hate the hard life I have had
I hate the issues that face me
I hate trying to do the right thing
I hate crying at night
I hate having panic attacks
I hate relationships
I most of all
just hate my life anymore
I really think giving up is a much better option
What's the point of trying anymore?
I really don't want to be here anymore...
Monday, December 13, 2010
My life is pasta
I feel my heart and soul are a plate of spaghetti and someone has tipped them upside down. I feel as though now I am trying to make sense of it all. The spaghetti is all over the place and the meatballs are everywhere. There is sauce and tomatoes and onions on the floor mixed in with the dirt. The rocks and pebbles are now ground in with it and people have walked through it to add to the craziness of it all. I am scrambling to scrape it back up onto my plate but the more I try to do that it is becoming mush into the ground. I am weeping and crying and begging others to stop walking on it. Some have tried to give me a new plate or fork, even a new house to put my plate in and a table to put it on but yet the moment I set it down it falls on the floor again. My soul is wound and wound and needs unwinding.
I come from a spiritual home and normally have my life quite together and my chakras in order. I have not felt this topsy turvy since I was in my 20's and now in my 40's I feel so un at ease and feel despairing. this is not the life I envisioned for myself at this time and I weep at the sight of it and want my life to stop this merry go round.
Someone asked me recently if someone tipped it or if it was just a metaphor? I had to really think about that. I came then to the conclusion of what did it matter. I allowed it either way. I allowed it to be tipped, I tipped it or someone else tipped it.
I know that things were running smoothly for sometime though I was not happy nor satisfied and perhaps it felt like rubber band that was getting overstretched. it felt like that band was going to break at any given moment and like it was just going to snap! SNAP! The band would sway tight then bend back to soft again then tight again every time I would feel uneasy about where things were going in my life. But they were still moving in a direction I could manage and handle.
I decided to change my life and live life in a new place and I managed that as well. And then later this year....there it was was...
It was like I was delivering or holding a plate of pasta, spaghetti, all stacked high on the plate, full of sauce, tomatoes, onions, garlic, basil, everything that made it flavorful and there I was just walking along and someone came along and reached underneath my hand and swung as hard as they could and flipped it right out from underneath my hand and just like in the movies it went soaring and flying through the air.
The plate spun and spun and the pasta went everywhere, tomatoes were flying, onion pieces were going everywhere, garlic tidbits are randomly scattering about, basil is coming down like snowflakes, and the crash the plate breaks off into a few pieces and the pasts ends up in the dirt and I am flailing and diving for it but there is nothing I can do for it is too late.
It is like trying to catch words that come out of your mouth that you know you should not have said, once they are said, they are not retractable.
Now I stare at the ground and cry and weep and sob and my heart aches and I try so hard to pick up the pieces but as I said people keep tromping on it and I am trying so hard to scrape it back together, and people keep trying to help me, but I feel like my efforts are in vain.
I don't know what to do.
The table I once had set and the meal I had once prepared is no longer available.
This is not the life I had envisioned for myself at 40.
This is not the life I had envisioned for my future.
This is not the life I saw.
I don't want to start over.
I want to just stop.
My life is pasta.
~~ I share this with you to let you know, that though yes I am a happy person, I do feel and live life too. I have my trials and my ups and downs. Though through it all I know God is with me. I know that through all the trials I have endured, all that I will endure that this builds character. I was in church yesterday and the lesson was on how God's plan is often different than our own. This is so true. His plan does build character. his plan is hard and difficult and we must keep on keeping on. Even though I want to STOP, I WONT. I will keep going.
God's plan gives me energy to keep striving forward. I get tired. I get frustrated. I get upset. I cry. I weep. I cry. I get sad. But I also trust. I trust in the Lord. I trust that he will pull me through. I trust that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I trust that I will receive a blessing after my trial of faith. I don't know how. I don't. I HAVE NO CLUE. I JUST BELIEVE.
Isn't that what Christmas is about as well? Believing?
Also know that Change is Good. It is ok to change. Sometimes our dream get changed. God's dreams are harder than our dreams. god's dreams rarely involve comfort. Rarely is character building comfortable. To get there we will struggle, it will hurt, it will not be easy.
In the end though, it will be a blessing, it will be rewarding, and it will be satisfying!
Stay Strong
Have Courage
Have Conviction
Build Character!
You Can Do It!
I Believe in You!
God Does Too!
Now Believe in You Too!~
~Patricia Ann Hunter 12-12-2010
I come from a spiritual home and normally have my life quite together and my chakras in order. I have not felt this topsy turvy since I was in my 20's and now in my 40's I feel so un at ease and feel despairing. this is not the life I envisioned for myself at this time and I weep at the sight of it and want my life to stop this merry go round.
Someone asked me recently if someone tipped it or if it was just a metaphor? I had to really think about that. I came then to the conclusion of what did it matter. I allowed it either way. I allowed it to be tipped, I tipped it or someone else tipped it.
I know that things were running smoothly for sometime though I was not happy nor satisfied and perhaps it felt like rubber band that was getting overstretched. it felt like that band was going to break at any given moment and like it was just going to snap! SNAP! The band would sway tight then bend back to soft again then tight again every time I would feel uneasy about where things were going in my life. But they were still moving in a direction I could manage and handle.
I decided to change my life and live life in a new place and I managed that as well. And then later this year....there it was was...
It was like I was delivering or holding a plate of pasta, spaghetti, all stacked high on the plate, full of sauce, tomatoes, onions, garlic, basil, everything that made it flavorful and there I was just walking along and someone came along and reached underneath my hand and swung as hard as they could and flipped it right out from underneath my hand and just like in the movies it went soaring and flying through the air.
The plate spun and spun and the pasta went everywhere, tomatoes were flying, onion pieces were going everywhere, garlic tidbits are randomly scattering about, basil is coming down like snowflakes, and the crash the plate breaks off into a few pieces and the pasts ends up in the dirt and I am flailing and diving for it but there is nothing I can do for it is too late.
It is like trying to catch words that come out of your mouth that you know you should not have said, once they are said, they are not retractable.
Now I stare at the ground and cry and weep and sob and my heart aches and I try so hard to pick up the pieces but as I said people keep tromping on it and I am trying so hard to scrape it back together, and people keep trying to help me, but I feel like my efforts are in vain.
I don't know what to do.
The table I once had set and the meal I had once prepared is no longer available.
This is not the life I had envisioned for myself at 40.
This is not the life I had envisioned for my future.
This is not the life I saw.
I don't want to start over.
I want to just stop.
My life is pasta.
~~ I share this with you to let you know, that though yes I am a happy person, I do feel and live life too. I have my trials and my ups and downs. Though through it all I know God is with me. I know that through all the trials I have endured, all that I will endure that this builds character. I was in church yesterday and the lesson was on how God's plan is often different than our own. This is so true. His plan does build character. his plan is hard and difficult and we must keep on keeping on. Even though I want to STOP, I WONT. I will keep going.
God's plan gives me energy to keep striving forward. I get tired. I get frustrated. I get upset. I cry. I weep. I cry. I get sad. But I also trust. I trust in the Lord. I trust that he will pull me through. I trust that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I trust that I will receive a blessing after my trial of faith. I don't know how. I don't. I HAVE NO CLUE. I JUST BELIEVE.
Isn't that what Christmas is about as well? Believing?
Also know that Change is Good. It is ok to change. Sometimes our dream get changed. God's dreams are harder than our dreams. god's dreams rarely involve comfort. Rarely is character building comfortable. To get there we will struggle, it will hurt, it will not be easy.
In the end though, it will be a blessing, it will be rewarding, and it will be satisfying!
Stay Strong
Have Courage
Have Conviction
Build Character!
You Can Do It!
I Believe in You!
God Does Too!
Now Believe in You Too!~
~Patricia Ann Hunter 12-12-2010
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Dec 7 the Day that lives in Infamy they say
I keep hearing on the December 7th, the day that lives in Infamy!
Well, yes, it is but not for the same reasons.
December 7th, 1980 the Passing of one Arthur Eugene Hunter... my father.
I was just daddy's little girl.
It's not fair. :(
One minute he was here it seemed, and then he was gone.
His birthday falls near Thanksgiving every year and sometimes it falls on. So that too can be very hard. It used to be gruesome for our family to deal with those days so close together. no one wanted to talk. No one wanted to mention it. There was this still silence in the air. It was like fog, thick almost like smog even. I hated how hard it was. As the years went on it seemed to get easier and as I got older I guess I forgot a little bit more and more and was able to pass on with my life.
The year he passed the kids in my 5th grade class at United wanted to do something Special for him. he was a Janitor at the school at that time. He had been a bus driver and many other jobs but at this time he was a janitor. I guess I should have been ashamed that my dad was a janitor and maybe as I got older I would have been, but as a 5th grader I thought it was cool and that he was amazing.
In town and at school everyone loved him and knew him as Mr. Hunter. I do not know how the topic got on that it was his birthday. Perhaps I said or the teacher knew but we all made cards for him that day and I got the special honor of taking the cards to him at the end of the day.
He came to the class and I got to walk up to the front of the class and hand them to him. He was a gruff man and former Marine so smiling was not the things you saw a lot, but when you did see that, you knew you had pleased him. the teacher had announced that we knew it was his birthday and we had a special treat. I handed him the cards and a beaming smile swept across his face. It made me so proud!
He took the cards in his hands, leaned down to me and said thank you, ruffled my hair and then laughed a bellowing laugh. I hollered at him and he laughed some more! I went back to my seat and he looked through the cards briefly and said thank you to the class and they all said YOUR WELCOME in unison and then he left.
Later than night at home he said on the plastic couch in the front room and opened and closed and poured over each card. It really meant a lot to him. He admired each one and made special mention about mine and some of my closest friends that came around the house. It was his 42nd birthday. That was November 26th, 1980...
The morning of December 7th was not like any other. Usually people say "it was like every other day" but this was NOT. I woke early and smelled Grandma cooking her homemade bread and I thought I smelled her cooking fry bread. when she had left over dough she would flatten it out and then throw it in some oil to cook it up and then we would eat it with jams or jellies. It was 5am and I never needed to be up that early. I bound down the stairs and yep that is exactly what she was doing. Dad and grandpa were sitting around the table drinking coffee eating fry bread. I asked for some and grandma made me some and I sat near dad (of course being daddy's little girl) because I always wanted to be near him.
He asked me if I wanted to go to school with him instead of waiting for the bus. Also not normal. I jumped at the chance for that. He told me to finish my bread and get ready so we could go. I did just that and we headed off together.I don't remember what car he had that day nor do I remember the ride there. I remember getting there and once we were there we went into this little room where there were these red pipes all around and a table and other Janitors and maintenance men sitting around drinking coffee and hanging out.
He put his stuff away, he introduced me to a few guys and then we did a few things. He introduced me to the principal and the secretary when we went into their office to clean up and then finished a few errands. Time flew by fast and next thing I knew the school buses were coming in and I had to go to class. He told me to take the bus home, and I went to class. I am not even sure if we told each other goodbye.
I went about my day and then got on the school bus as told. Before the bus started moving a lady got on the bus and announced my name. I got up and went to her and she told the driver to go on without me. I was wondering how I was getting home if the bus went on without me. As we were walking away from the bus and the bus pulled away she introduced herself as the secretary for the high school and that there had a been a terrible accident and my dad was hurt and at the hospital.
I started arguing with her and telling her she didn't know what she was talking about because my dad was fine I saw him today we went to school together and he told me to ride the bus home. She then said my dad Art Hunter had a bad fall and was hurt and she was going to take me home and my family would explain everything. At that point I started to cry. It didn't make sense. She said the right name but I just saw him this morning. But hold on...did dad know? What was that thing a few weeks back when mom and dad were talking and he said "If something were to ever happen to me I want you to go live with your mom"...what the heck? Do people know when something is going to happen to them? I don't understand...I just started sobbing in this poor lady's car.
We got to the farm and my grandma came out and greeted me and the lady and I stopped crying. I don't know why. I saw her and as we pulled up I just stopped like you turned off the faucet. Grandmas put her arm around me and we walked inside and I went upstairs and didn't talk to anyone. A few hours later I hear my mother's voice and she came upstairs and tried to tell me what happened. I told her why it didn't make sense to me about how I went to school with dad and she kept trying to explain it to me. Bonnie and Lynn were upstairs getting their coats on and said they were going to the hospital. I asked if I could go and everyone said no. They all said I was too young that I would not understand. Of course though, then and even now,(yes at my age) I am still told I would not understand)
Dec 10th, 1980...he passed away. His funeral everyone said I was cold, unfeeling. I was in shock! I was the last one in the family I thought to see him. Later in life I found out that one of the girls or both had seen him in the high school that day. It just did not register in my head what was happening. It did not seem real. Counselors felt that perhaps if I had gotten to see him in the hospital that it would have made more sense to me, but they tried to protect me too much and it made things worse. I needed the closure and I never got it.
Thanksgiving 1983...I am lying on my bed scrap booking... I found an old frame with a picture of Art, my dad in it. I no more than find it and my mom walks in the door to tell me dinner is almost ready. Mind you we have guests in the other room and this year mom has made a feast. I burst out in tears and say to her..."He really is dead isn't he?" My mother in her best way to comfort me says boldly "He has been dead for 3 years Patricia Ann. I guess I didn't realize you hadn't accepted that. Dinner's almost ready." Gotta love her. But in her defense, I was very private and very shy for years until I was about 16 years old or so. Not until my friend E. and his group of friends did I really start opening up and after much modeling etc.
Mom put me in therapy after that comment though, because she learned I had been carrying this belief that he was not dead, that I thought he was coming back, or that he was on a mission, or something.
His death and the time around his death and birthday is always hard on me. As I said, I have learned to muster though it. I am not that person anymore. I know he is dead. I miss him. I had Lew in my life and he was the only Father I ever knew. I miss Art though. I miss being able to share my life with Art. I am a woman who is not fond of the I DONT KNOWS and the WONDERMENT and that hmmm I wonder what it would have been like had dad lived, theory lingers in my mind at times.
but I go back and remember what one counselor told me when I shared in my senior year how sad I was that Art was not around to see me go to Prom and be a part of my life that I felt he was missing out...she said "Your Real father has the best seat in the house and can always watch over you, always help guide you, always be with you, and can hold your hand. He is in your car when you drive, at your recitals when you dance, he will be with you when you most need him, and you know he always loves you because he is always in your heart."
<3
Well, yes, it is but not for the same reasons.
December 7th, 1980 the Passing of one Arthur Eugene Hunter... my father.
I was just daddy's little girl.
It's not fair. :(
One minute he was here it seemed, and then he was gone.
His birthday falls near Thanksgiving every year and sometimes it falls on. So that too can be very hard. It used to be gruesome for our family to deal with those days so close together. no one wanted to talk. No one wanted to mention it. There was this still silence in the air. It was like fog, thick almost like smog even. I hated how hard it was. As the years went on it seemed to get easier and as I got older I guess I forgot a little bit more and more and was able to pass on with my life.
The year he passed the kids in my 5th grade class at United wanted to do something Special for him. he was a Janitor at the school at that time. He had been a bus driver and many other jobs but at this time he was a janitor. I guess I should have been ashamed that my dad was a janitor and maybe as I got older I would have been, but as a 5th grader I thought it was cool and that he was amazing.
In town and at school everyone loved him and knew him as Mr. Hunter. I do not know how the topic got on that it was his birthday. Perhaps I said or the teacher knew but we all made cards for him that day and I got the special honor of taking the cards to him at the end of the day.
He came to the class and I got to walk up to the front of the class and hand them to him. He was a gruff man and former Marine so smiling was not the things you saw a lot, but when you did see that, you knew you had pleased him. the teacher had announced that we knew it was his birthday and we had a special treat. I handed him the cards and a beaming smile swept across his face. It made me so proud!
He took the cards in his hands, leaned down to me and said thank you, ruffled my hair and then laughed a bellowing laugh. I hollered at him and he laughed some more! I went back to my seat and he looked through the cards briefly and said thank you to the class and they all said YOUR WELCOME in unison and then he left.
Later than night at home he said on the plastic couch in the front room and opened and closed and poured over each card. It really meant a lot to him. He admired each one and made special mention about mine and some of my closest friends that came around the house. It was his 42nd birthday. That was November 26th, 1980...
The morning of December 7th was not like any other. Usually people say "it was like every other day" but this was NOT. I woke early and smelled Grandma cooking her homemade bread and I thought I smelled her cooking fry bread. when she had left over dough she would flatten it out and then throw it in some oil to cook it up and then we would eat it with jams or jellies. It was 5am and I never needed to be up that early. I bound down the stairs and yep that is exactly what she was doing. Dad and grandpa were sitting around the table drinking coffee eating fry bread. I asked for some and grandma made me some and I sat near dad (of course being daddy's little girl) because I always wanted to be near him.
He asked me if I wanted to go to school with him instead of waiting for the bus. Also not normal. I jumped at the chance for that. He told me to finish my bread and get ready so we could go. I did just that and we headed off together.I don't remember what car he had that day nor do I remember the ride there. I remember getting there and once we were there we went into this little room where there were these red pipes all around and a table and other Janitors and maintenance men sitting around drinking coffee and hanging out.
He put his stuff away, he introduced me to a few guys and then we did a few things. He introduced me to the principal and the secretary when we went into their office to clean up and then finished a few errands. Time flew by fast and next thing I knew the school buses were coming in and I had to go to class. He told me to take the bus home, and I went to class. I am not even sure if we told each other goodbye.
I went about my day and then got on the school bus as told. Before the bus started moving a lady got on the bus and announced my name. I got up and went to her and she told the driver to go on without me. I was wondering how I was getting home if the bus went on without me. As we were walking away from the bus and the bus pulled away she introduced herself as the secretary for the high school and that there had a been a terrible accident and my dad was hurt and at the hospital.
I started arguing with her and telling her she didn't know what she was talking about because my dad was fine I saw him today we went to school together and he told me to ride the bus home. She then said my dad Art Hunter had a bad fall and was hurt and she was going to take me home and my family would explain everything. At that point I started to cry. It didn't make sense. She said the right name but I just saw him this morning. But hold on...did dad know? What was that thing a few weeks back when mom and dad were talking and he said "If something were to ever happen to me I want you to go live with your mom"...what the heck? Do people know when something is going to happen to them? I don't understand...I just started sobbing in this poor lady's car.
We got to the farm and my grandma came out and greeted me and the lady and I stopped crying. I don't know why. I saw her and as we pulled up I just stopped like you turned off the faucet. Grandmas put her arm around me and we walked inside and I went upstairs and didn't talk to anyone. A few hours later I hear my mother's voice and she came upstairs and tried to tell me what happened. I told her why it didn't make sense to me about how I went to school with dad and she kept trying to explain it to me. Bonnie and Lynn were upstairs getting their coats on and said they were going to the hospital. I asked if I could go and everyone said no. They all said I was too young that I would not understand. Of course though, then and even now,(yes at my age) I am still told I would not understand)
Dec 10th, 1980...he passed away. His funeral everyone said I was cold, unfeeling. I was in shock! I was the last one in the family I thought to see him. Later in life I found out that one of the girls or both had seen him in the high school that day. It just did not register in my head what was happening. It did not seem real. Counselors felt that perhaps if I had gotten to see him in the hospital that it would have made more sense to me, but they tried to protect me too much and it made things worse. I needed the closure and I never got it.
Thanksgiving 1983...I am lying on my bed scrap booking... I found an old frame with a picture of Art, my dad in it. I no more than find it and my mom walks in the door to tell me dinner is almost ready. Mind you we have guests in the other room and this year mom has made a feast. I burst out in tears and say to her..."He really is dead isn't he?" My mother in her best way to comfort me says boldly "He has been dead for 3 years Patricia Ann. I guess I didn't realize you hadn't accepted that. Dinner's almost ready." Gotta love her. But in her defense, I was very private and very shy for years until I was about 16 years old or so. Not until my friend E. and his group of friends did I really start opening up and after much modeling etc.
Mom put me in therapy after that comment though, because she learned I had been carrying this belief that he was not dead, that I thought he was coming back, or that he was on a mission, or something.
His death and the time around his death and birthday is always hard on me. As I said, I have learned to muster though it. I am not that person anymore. I know he is dead. I miss him. I had Lew in my life and he was the only Father I ever knew. I miss Art though. I miss being able to share my life with Art. I am a woman who is not fond of the I DONT KNOWS and the WONDERMENT and that hmmm I wonder what it would have been like had dad lived, theory lingers in my mind at times.
but I go back and remember what one counselor told me when I shared in my senior year how sad I was that Art was not around to see me go to Prom and be a part of my life that I felt he was missing out...she said "Your Real father has the best seat in the house and can always watch over you, always help guide you, always be with you, and can hold your hand. He is in your car when you drive, at your recitals when you dance, he will be with you when you most need him, and you know he always loves you because he is always in your heart."
<3
Monday, December 06, 2010
Lessons Learned
While I was on vacation recently I head my mother say the things wrong in my past relationships and why they did NOT work in her mind. But what she did not know was what I head was what I was LEARNING through what she was saying instead:
So with that I about going to write here the things I learned~ (And I was writing below I realized these are things for me with men but one would suppose that if there be women in your life, the show then could be turned to the other foot...)
~ Note to Future Me-
~I complained more about the men in my life, rather than touted their good works and good deeds
~Tout the others good deeds, tout when they sent you notes, flowers, cards, text messages and remember to share with others all the little things that the significant other in your life do for you more than the bad things. Evidently...family and friends remembers the bad things more :)
~Don't talk to others about your relationship unless you want that back in your face at a later date and do all you can not to ever talk to others about it when tipsy because you won't remember but they do.
~Be careful what you say to your family because they never forget :)
~Write down dates that of good stuff your sweetie does for you...forget the rest...believe me it will benefit you later. :)
~Ironically, other guys were not that affectionate to me around my family and parents. I and the man in my life always thought we were being respectful. I mean what parent wants some guy all over their little girl?? Well, evidently, parents do at times want to see you touching and being more affectionate because the fact that other men were not more affectionate with me drove my parents insane I found it. HMMPH! Who knew?! (shrug of shoulders)
~The other things I now have learned to be more watchful of is doing things for family. My parents do remember all the things we did for them financially. She remember the time that these random people who are not family, daughters or nieces have bent over backwards to help her, yet she does not have a clue of remembrance to when my spouse or boyfriend and I uncovered her out of financial despair. So the lesson here to me is two fold-1 I can either not help out or 2 get receipts to prove at a later date that I did. Either way, I was told by friends years ago be watchful when loaning friends or family money. It gets sticky. Well, thanks, I get it now. :)
Basically, I have learned that I thought, me of all people was a squeaky wheel, but I guess when it comes to men, I am not squeaky enough. I need to be more squeaky....
Is that at all possible?
So with that I about going to write here the things I learned~ (And I was writing below I realized these are things for me with men but one would suppose that if there be women in your life, the show then could be turned to the other foot...)
~ Note to Future Me-
~I complained more about the men in my life, rather than touted their good works and good deeds
~Tout the others good deeds, tout when they sent you notes, flowers, cards, text messages and remember to share with others all the little things that the significant other in your life do for you more than the bad things. Evidently...family and friends remembers the bad things more :)
~Don't talk to others about your relationship unless you want that back in your face at a later date and do all you can not to ever talk to others about it when tipsy because you won't remember but they do.
~Be careful what you say to your family because they never forget :)
~Write down dates that of good stuff your sweetie does for you...forget the rest...believe me it will benefit you later. :)
~Ironically, other guys were not that affectionate to me around my family and parents. I and the man in my life always thought we were being respectful. I mean what parent wants some guy all over their little girl?? Well, evidently, parents do at times want to see you touching and being more affectionate because the fact that other men were not more affectionate with me drove my parents insane I found it. HMMPH! Who knew?! (shrug of shoulders)
~The other things I now have learned to be more watchful of is doing things for family. My parents do remember all the things we did for them financially. She remember the time that these random people who are not family, daughters or nieces have bent over backwards to help her, yet she does not have a clue of remembrance to when my spouse or boyfriend and I uncovered her out of financial despair. So the lesson here to me is two fold-1 I can either not help out or 2 get receipts to prove at a later date that I did. Either way, I was told by friends years ago be watchful when loaning friends or family money. It gets sticky. Well, thanks, I get it now. :)
Basically, I have learned that I thought, me of all people was a squeaky wheel, but I guess when it comes to men, I am not squeaky enough. I need to be more squeaky....
Is that at all possible?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
My Father's Birthday
I tried not to think about my father, my real father but it was inevitable that I was going to. My real father is Art Hunter and he passed away when I was only 10. His birthday always is right around Thanksgiving and sometimes I can pass over it but mostly I end up thinking about it, about him.
I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never get over him. I am on vacation, I am around my mom and friends and other people I could talk to about it, but I don't want to. I want to just talk to one person who knows me and understands because he knows me.
I always feel like I am lacking something. I have always felt that. Everyone else got to have a dad in their life there for them and I should be grateful because I had Lew but as much as he loved me, he was not my father.
I also remember my father telling me that if something happened to him to go live with my mother and I can't get that out of my head. Logically I know he is gone even to this day, but the little girl inside me still wants my father back and I miss him so much.
I remember the times with my dad that the older girls do not remember. I also am the baby and daddy's little girl. Even if my father is dead I will always be daddy's little girl. That person never left me. That person is still in my core. Daddy's little girl.
I don't think of my father so much anymore, but come November 27th, it happens and as much I was trying not to think about it I did anyway and it made me just want to talk to someone who understood me.
This sounds so lame, but I miss my daddy.
I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never get over him. I am on vacation, I am around my mom and friends and other people I could talk to about it, but I don't want to. I want to just talk to one person who knows me and understands because he knows me.
I always feel like I am lacking something. I have always felt that. Everyone else got to have a dad in their life there for them and I should be grateful because I had Lew but as much as he loved me, he was not my father.
I also remember my father telling me that if something happened to him to go live with my mother and I can't get that out of my head. Logically I know he is gone even to this day, but the little girl inside me still wants my father back and I miss him so much.
I remember the times with my dad that the older girls do not remember. I also am the baby and daddy's little girl. Even if my father is dead I will always be daddy's little girl. That person never left me. That person is still in my core. Daddy's little girl.
I don't think of my father so much anymore, but come November 27th, it happens and as much I was trying not to think about it I did anyway and it made me just want to talk to someone who understood me.
This sounds so lame, but I miss my daddy.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Like Him
FOR UPDATES READ BELOW:
11-21-I also just found myself shaking my toothbrush out which is what he does to his shaver.
11-21-Then I also nearly died when the trash can was full and the cent of it nearly knocked me over and again I thought...scents matter to him and now they matter to me...what the heck happened here. Did a transference happen??
11-26- shook out toothbrush and realized it was like what he does when he shakes out his shaver
I find myself doing or saying so many things that are like him it nearly drives me insane.
I was standing in the shower today as I have more recently and keep noticing that I wash my face in the shower the way he does, wash my face, rub my eyes, then wash behind my ears and then over my face again. I stopped. Hey this is just the way he does it.
The another time someone was asking me a question and I answered "I don't know" and they asked me again what I meant and I repeated I don't know and after about the 5th or 6th time I felt a ping of feeling like him and realized how I finally understood and said "I don't know how better to explain I don't know. " I walked away shaking my head at the person as much as me.
Then there are numerous things that little by little I notice, like as a Artist I was on the plane and was struggling to draw with someone sitting right next to me and it took all my might to muster something out even though I desperately and really wanted to. I finally did and the girl ended up complimenting me adn telling me how amazing and fantastic it looked and though it made me feel great her words went through me because what I ended up also feeling on top of that was more empathy to him to his plight.
Funny how now, now is when I start seeing and noticing all these little things...now
11-21-I also just found myself shaking my toothbrush out which is what he does to his shaver.
11-21-Then I also nearly died when the trash can was full and the cent of it nearly knocked me over and again I thought...scents matter to him and now they matter to me...what the heck happened here. Did a transference happen??
11-26- shook out toothbrush and realized it was like what he does when he shakes out his shaver
I find myself doing or saying so many things that are like him it nearly drives me insane.
I was standing in the shower today as I have more recently and keep noticing that I wash my face in the shower the way he does, wash my face, rub my eyes, then wash behind my ears and then over my face again. I stopped. Hey this is just the way he does it.
The another time someone was asking me a question and I answered "I don't know" and they asked me again what I meant and I repeated I don't know and after about the 5th or 6th time I felt a ping of feeling like him and realized how I finally understood and said "I don't know how better to explain I don't know. " I walked away shaking my head at the person as much as me.
Then there are numerous things that little by little I notice, like as a Artist I was on the plane and was struggling to draw with someone sitting right next to me and it took all my might to muster something out even though I desperately and really wanted to. I finally did and the girl ended up complimenting me adn telling me how amazing and fantastic it looked and though it made me feel great her words went through me because what I ended up also feeling on top of that was more empathy to him to his plight.
Funny how now, now is when I start seeing and noticing all these little things...now
Jakes Ex's
First of all let me start by saying the funny thing about this find today is that I never read Glamour magazine. I only got it because In Style new issues wasn't on the stands yet. I needed a magazine for the trip. I liked some of the other things it had to offer. I didn't even see this until today.
I was reading in my Glamour Magazine today and hit this article today.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2010/11/jakes-exes-tell-all
Jake's Exes Tell all
I am going to copy it in in case it goes away as some articles do:
Jake’s Exes Tell All!
Brave guy—he called them all up to get their very honest feedback.
by Jake
Can your exes—those people who were by definition wrong for you—help you find the person who’s right? I think so. To know who you are and where you’re going, it helps to reflect on where you’ve been. So if I’m truly being intrepid in my search for Ms. Right—and if I’m going to be a kinder, more enlightened Jake for you readers—I figured I should man up, call my exes and get some honest feedback. I remain on friendly terms with many of the women I’ve dated, but it was still with some trepidation that I decided to reach out and ask them two simple questions: What did I do well, and where did I fall short?
EX #1: Elise, a student. We were long-distance and spent our precious nights curled up together on the sofa, reading.
Where I fell short: “You forgot dates that were meaningful to me—like on my last night visiting you in New York, when you played soccer instead of taking me out for a quiet dinner as you’d promised. And you didn’t call when I graduated.”
I felt like a Hockey Widow
What I nailed: “After I fell asleep one night, you wrote me a sweet letter on the back of a page torn from a very old book of William Wordsworth poems your grandmother had left to you. I found it in the morning after you’d headed back to New York. I was enthralled with the gesture.”
Sometimes it is just the little things that matter. always buying me a candy bar when you went to the store. Buying me an audrey photo. Getting me comic book I asked you about. Those really meant a lot to me. Though depleting your savings to get my car out of impound was a huge deal and it did NOT go unnoticed and I thank you for that too. Yes I knew and thank you for what you COULD do for me financially when you could. I just always felt bad because you didn't have a lot of money and were not really in the position to fully take care of me yet. But all the little things really meant so much
EX #2: Jessica, a no-nonsense art dealer with an amazing smile, body and scent, and impeccable style. (When we were together, my favorite part of the day was watching her get dressed for work—seriously.)I liked that you liked this too about me. but then again who hasn't :)
Where I fell short: “After I told you that an art critic had given a show at my gallery an unfair review, you said you had ‘hit it’ with his daughter. Ugh! I was worried that someday I might hear you dropping my name just as casually.”
I would have loved for you to drop my name or anyone's for that matter. I would cringe that I felt you didn't use your opportunities, schmoosh, and work it. This is how life works. use it to your advantage or quit griping about it. I just wished you would do something more to go after your dreams.
What I nailed: “You made being in bed about so much more than sleep and great sex. We would download music together and goof around for hours, sometimes all day. I was so happy, I don’t know how I ever let myself go to sleep.” [Note: I didn’t really hear anything after “great sex”—but I think the upshot here was positive.]
I liked this about you too. You made being in bed, napping (wink) fun. There is a Keith Urban song about Raining on a Sunday and they lied in bed all day and hung out and made love and I think of you. We could watch TV, have fun, break futons (another wink), and even sit near each other like in the new house and just have fun being in bed or near bed. I really liked that about you. But like he said. GREAT SEX didn't hurt either (WINK to infinity)
EX #3: Erin, who broke up with me. She left a big hole in my heart, which I’m not sure has been filled since.
Where I fell short: Erin declined to go down memory lane with me, saying she wouldn’t like her current boyfriend waxing poetic about an ex. Fair enough. Then she delivered the kicker: “Besides, I don’t remember what you did right or wrong. It was way too long ago.” Ouch. But I remember….
What I nailed: I would pick her up (at the subway, at her apartment) instead of just meeting her at places; I made friends with her family; I said “I love you.”
~
And that’s when it dawned on me: Sometimes it just doesn’t matter what you do. If things aren’t right, there’s no gesture, no joke, no gift, no perfectly written note that can change it. That said, my ex experiment taught me that I could stand to listen more and talk less; to worry about how a girlfriend and I were spending our time together rather than about the myriad other options I had on any given night. I just wish some of those exes had been as forthright during our relationships as they were all this time later. Here’s hoping that next time, if I pay attention, I will never have another ex to ask for feedback again.
Jake is a real, live single guy dating in New York City.
All I know is...I never get this magazine...and I believe someone was trying to tell me something...and today...it was all good :)
I hope you think so too. We live and learn and you never know....you never know what the future holds and hopefully we live and learn
I was reading in my Glamour Magazine today and hit this article today.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2010/11/jakes-exes-tell-all
Jake's Exes Tell all
I am going to copy it in in case it goes away as some articles do:
Jake’s Exes Tell All!
Brave guy—he called them all up to get their very honest feedback.
by Jake
Can your exes—those people who were by definition wrong for you—help you find the person who’s right? I think so. To know who you are and where you’re going, it helps to reflect on where you’ve been. So if I’m truly being intrepid in my search for Ms. Right—and if I’m going to be a kinder, more enlightened Jake for you readers—I figured I should man up, call my exes and get some honest feedback. I remain on friendly terms with many of the women I’ve dated, but it was still with some trepidation that I decided to reach out and ask them two simple questions: What did I do well, and where did I fall short?
EX #1: Elise, a student. We were long-distance and spent our precious nights curled up together on the sofa, reading.
Where I fell short: “You forgot dates that were meaningful to me—like on my last night visiting you in New York, when you played soccer instead of taking me out for a quiet dinner as you’d promised. And you didn’t call when I graduated.”
I felt like a Hockey Widow
What I nailed: “After I fell asleep one night, you wrote me a sweet letter on the back of a page torn from a very old book of William Wordsworth poems your grandmother had left to you. I found it in the morning after you’d headed back to New York. I was enthralled with the gesture.”
Sometimes it is just the little things that matter. always buying me a candy bar when you went to the store. Buying me an audrey photo. Getting me comic book I asked you about. Those really meant a lot to me. Though depleting your savings to get my car out of impound was a huge deal and it did NOT go unnoticed and I thank you for that too. Yes I knew and thank you for what you COULD do for me financially when you could. I just always felt bad because you didn't have a lot of money and were not really in the position to fully take care of me yet. But all the little things really meant so much
EX #2: Jessica, a no-nonsense art dealer with an amazing smile, body and scent, and impeccable style. (When we were together, my favorite part of the day was watching her get dressed for work—seriously.)I liked that you liked this too about me. but then again who hasn't :)
Where I fell short: “After I told you that an art critic had given a show at my gallery an unfair review, you said you had ‘hit it’ with his daughter. Ugh! I was worried that someday I might hear you dropping my name just as casually.”
I would have loved for you to drop my name or anyone's for that matter. I would cringe that I felt you didn't use your opportunities, schmoosh, and work it. This is how life works. use it to your advantage or quit griping about it. I just wished you would do something more to go after your dreams.
What I nailed: “You made being in bed about so much more than sleep and great sex. We would download music together and goof around for hours, sometimes all day. I was so happy, I don’t know how I ever let myself go to sleep.” [Note: I didn’t really hear anything after “great sex”—but I think the upshot here was positive.]
I liked this about you too. You made being in bed, napping (wink) fun. There is a Keith Urban song about Raining on a Sunday and they lied in bed all day and hung out and made love and I think of you. We could watch TV, have fun, break futons (another wink), and even sit near each other like in the new house and just have fun being in bed or near bed. I really liked that about you. But like he said. GREAT SEX didn't hurt either (WINK to infinity)
EX #3: Erin, who broke up with me. She left a big hole in my heart, which I’m not sure has been filled since.
Where I fell short: Erin declined to go down memory lane with me, saying she wouldn’t like her current boyfriend waxing poetic about an ex. Fair enough. Then she delivered the kicker: “Besides, I don’t remember what you did right or wrong. It was way too long ago.” Ouch. But I remember….
What I nailed: I would pick her up (at the subway, at her apartment) instead of just meeting her at places; I made friends with her family; I said “I love you.”
~
And that’s when it dawned on me: Sometimes it just doesn’t matter what you do. If things aren’t right, there’s no gesture, no joke, no gift, no perfectly written note that can change it. That said, my ex experiment taught me that I could stand to listen more and talk less; to worry about how a girlfriend and I were spending our time together rather than about the myriad other options I had on any given night. I just wish some of those exes had been as forthright during our relationships as they were all this time later. Here’s hoping that next time, if I pay attention, I will never have another ex to ask for feedback again.
Jake is a real, live single guy dating in New York City.
All I know is...I never get this magazine...and I believe someone was trying to tell me something...and today...it was all good :)
I hope you think so too. We live and learn and you never know....you never know what the future holds and hopefully we live and learn
The RV World
It amazes me while I am on vacation that people don't just come up and take things from the RV people. I also don't quite understand this life. When you urinate throwing away your paper in a trash can and not the toilet. Yuck. Not taking a shower in your won shower but using the shower in the clubhouse. I mean I guess it save on water. But I guess I am too prissy for that. I don't mind once in awhile but for weeks on end, it gets old. I mean why have a shower if you aren't going to use it. Why have a bathroom if you aren't going to use it? Why pay all this money for an RV if you aren't going to use it's amenities?
I guess I just don't get it.
Plus the fact that living in a Rv fulltime would drive me insane I think. There is such little space. Everything is in baskets and clamped down. Everything has to be put away and everytime you want something you have to go hunting for it. and then my mother is like, now where did I put that and that alone would drive me crazy. I would forget constantly. I know I would.
It reminds me of when my friends would go Yachting.On the yachts things had to be like that too. Now imagine if you will people who spend millions of dollars on their houses, who have housekeepers, who use a thousand napkins to wipe off thier hands putting their used pee pee wipes in a trash can as not to flush it down their boat?!? Hmmm something seems amiss here. But they did it. And BOY were they particular about it!
Isn't it funny how RV life is so similar to boating life. Every little things must be kept away in storage compartments. Every things must be put away. You can't flush things, there is a nasty odor of those urine wipes too (barf), and there is such tight little space you have to really think about what you are going to take with you before you go or you learn to live without it.
the funnier thing is that these two sects of people come from two very different worlds and are considered two very different types of people. The Rving world or class of people are considered a lesser class that the Yachter group and I know that group would snub them and look down on them. I mean my Newport Beach friends would be nice to my mom if they met her and all, but they would not in any way think of her as an equal.
But as I have only been visiting my mom here in Arizona for a few days and I have listened to her talk about how much this costs and that costs and how expensive the RV park and she has shown me different parks and how much it costs to stay at each one and how they leave learned how to stay at each one and how they now pay over $3,000 in membership fees to stay in this park a year and thye still have to pay for internet and cable and extra vehicle and if thye have more than two pets there is a pet fee. I mean that is just craziness. If you are paying over $3,000 a year you shouldn't have to pay anything.
I found out recenelty my Ex spouse bought an Rv on Ebay and is learning about how to survive in the beginning like my parents did. They said at first you pay $55 a night and then you learn to find a place that is cheaper. My ex spouse said he is learning this to be the same thing. But then again he likes to stay at the beach and you pay a high price for beach.
I jsut find it all humorous. Their whole lives are in this RV. And then they pack the satellite dish and the tablecloths for the picnic table outside, and then the chairs to sit outside, and the stuff to survive inside. It all is a different life and it jsut amazes me that one would want to go trhough this much trouble to live every two weeks.
But then again my mother has always been a gypsy and I have often followed in her foosteps. I have packed and unpacked more than i ever wanted to. I have lived out of suitcases with my ex and with myself. I know it CAN be done, I guess I am jsut getting to an age and stage in my life where I jsut want it to all stop, be settled and be with jsut one person and be happy for the rest of my life. JUST ME AND HIM.
the Rv world is not for me. I would not mind a Class C 20 Foot that you use jsut o camp in and can still set up a tent and have comething fun. Or having something like Lance and Jenny's parents that had the Rv that you could put the Motorcyles in and we could put four wheelers in and throw the beds down or soemthing.
Now that would be fun.
I guess I just don't get it.
Plus the fact that living in a Rv fulltime would drive me insane I think. There is such little space. Everything is in baskets and clamped down. Everything has to be put away and everytime you want something you have to go hunting for it. and then my mother is like, now where did I put that and that alone would drive me crazy. I would forget constantly. I know I would.
It reminds me of when my friends would go Yachting.On the yachts things had to be like that too. Now imagine if you will people who spend millions of dollars on their houses, who have housekeepers, who use a thousand napkins to wipe off thier hands putting their used pee pee wipes in a trash can as not to flush it down their boat?!? Hmmm something seems amiss here. But they did it. And BOY were they particular about it!
Isn't it funny how RV life is so similar to boating life. Every little things must be kept away in storage compartments. Every things must be put away. You can't flush things, there is a nasty odor of those urine wipes too (barf), and there is such tight little space you have to really think about what you are going to take with you before you go or you learn to live without it.
the funnier thing is that these two sects of people come from two very different worlds and are considered two very different types of people. The Rving world or class of people are considered a lesser class that the Yachter group and I know that group would snub them and look down on them. I mean my Newport Beach friends would be nice to my mom if they met her and all, but they would not in any way think of her as an equal.
But as I have only been visiting my mom here in Arizona for a few days and I have listened to her talk about how much this costs and that costs and how expensive the RV park and she has shown me different parks and how much it costs to stay at each one and how they leave learned how to stay at each one and how they now pay over $3,000 in membership fees to stay in this park a year and thye still have to pay for internet and cable and extra vehicle and if thye have more than two pets there is a pet fee. I mean that is just craziness. If you are paying over $3,000 a year you shouldn't have to pay anything.
I found out recenelty my Ex spouse bought an Rv on Ebay and is learning about how to survive in the beginning like my parents did. They said at first you pay $55 a night and then you learn to find a place that is cheaper. My ex spouse said he is learning this to be the same thing. But then again he likes to stay at the beach and you pay a high price for beach.
I jsut find it all humorous. Their whole lives are in this RV. And then they pack the satellite dish and the tablecloths for the picnic table outside, and then the chairs to sit outside, and the stuff to survive inside. It all is a different life and it jsut amazes me that one would want to go trhough this much trouble to live every two weeks.
But then again my mother has always been a gypsy and I have often followed in her foosteps. I have packed and unpacked more than i ever wanted to. I have lived out of suitcases with my ex and with myself. I know it CAN be done, I guess I am jsut getting to an age and stage in my life where I jsut want it to all stop, be settled and be with jsut one person and be happy for the rest of my life. JUST ME AND HIM.
the Rv world is not for me. I would not mind a Class C 20 Foot that you use jsut o camp in and can still set up a tent and have comething fun. Or having something like Lance and Jenny's parents that had the Rv that you could put the Motorcyles in and we could put four wheelers in and throw the beds down or soemthing.
Now that would be fun.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tests
In my Woman's devotional I read daily there was a story today about a woman who was having some tests run. She had to have an MRI run and having to go through an MRI recently I knew immediately her plight and what she was going through. She was mentioning how you can feel so tight and claustrophobic in there. I had to take Xanax to go through there and the first time they got it wrong so I had go through the agony of taking Xanax twice and being all loopy. (which my friends would say is normal) :)
This woman however was on the verge of panic in the tube and I do understand. I am sure not on the Xanax I would have felt the same way. She remembered something her pastor had said to her "When things are going bad for you, pray for someone else."
When you find yourself in this situation, when things are hard or going not your way, when things are tough or you feel like you don't have the strength, Pray for Someone Else...
and I do...
This woman however was on the verge of panic in the tube and I do understand. I am sure not on the Xanax I would have felt the same way. She remembered something her pastor had said to her "When things are going bad for you, pray for someone else."
When you find yourself in this situation, when things are hard or going not your way, when things are tough or you feel like you don't have the strength, Pray for Someone Else...
and I do...
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Leaving on a Jet Plane
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DArtWpCU-IE
When I was sitting there Friday this song kept coming through my head. Going throguh my head. Whichever.
My Bags are packed, I'm ready to go...
Then I ended up there because of the weather and you were sleeping and the song rang through my ears again...
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye...
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
I could feel the lonliness boiling inside me...but as I was sitting there I was thinking...you already feel this. You already feel alone. Except when I don't.
Ya, that a girl for you not making sense.
There were times that I felt we were companions and buddies and shared so much and understood each other better than anyone else and then there were times I thought we just didn't understand each other at all.
There's so many times I've let you down
I'm sorry I wasn't perfect for you. I am sorry there were things that would not let you budge enough to step over the hurdles of adversity to the mound of love and move forward to marriage. I let you down. I am sorry. I failed.
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
It is hard to move on I know, as you say. There is so much of YOU wrapped up in me and vice versa. I look around and there you are. Your signature is on everything and no matter what I put away or hide, you are still there because I want you there. My Audrey, as I call it is special to me. I cannot hide it away. It is My Audrey. my new Audrey is also now special.
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way
odd that I did just that...kiss you one last time then leave you once again...
But I'm leaving on a jet plane
and that I am...
an a part of me wishes I wasn't coming back...
When I was sitting there Friday this song kept coming through my head. Going throguh my head. Whichever.
My Bags are packed, I'm ready to go...
Then I ended up there because of the weather and you were sleeping and the song rang through my ears again...
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye...
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
I could feel the lonliness boiling inside me...but as I was sitting there I was thinking...you already feel this. You already feel alone. Except when I don't.
Ya, that a girl for you not making sense.
There were times that I felt we were companions and buddies and shared so much and understood each other better than anyone else and then there were times I thought we just didn't understand each other at all.
There's so many times I've let you down
I'm sorry I wasn't perfect for you. I am sorry there were things that would not let you budge enough to step over the hurdles of adversity to the mound of love and move forward to marriage. I let you down. I am sorry. I failed.
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
It is hard to move on I know, as you say. There is so much of YOU wrapped up in me and vice versa. I look around and there you are. Your signature is on everything and no matter what I put away or hide, you are still there because I want you there. My Audrey, as I call it is special to me. I cannot hide it away. It is My Audrey. my new Audrey is also now special.
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way
odd that I did just that...kiss you one last time then leave you once again...
But I'm leaving on a jet plane
and that I am...
an a part of me wishes I wasn't coming back...
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Knowing
It is hard now knowing that you read this here.
Before there was a thought a possibility but there wasn't a solid affirmation.
I have a few friends that from time to time come to the blog and read it but you see no one ever really comments ro says anything on it except my long time Guy friend E, who will every now and then say, "Hey I went out to your blog and noticed you have written out there for awhile"
But now, for you to say "One thing you have to know is I go there every day or so and read your blog, jsut so you know"
Wow, well, it kind of put me back a few pegs honestly...
I did know that every now and then you came out here and read. You have commented on a few things here or there.But now, knowing that you are out here daily or often reading and thinking about evrything I say makes me wonder and think
am I writing differently now? Am I going to continue to write differently knowing that he is reading it for sure?
I beleive the answer is yes. There is not much to do about it but continue to try to write as I did before but yet I care about you so I will sheild you as much as possible. But it is still my heart and my thoughts I started here long before I knew you and this has always been my safe haven to express.
Knowing though...has made and will make difference
Before there was a thought a possibility but there wasn't a solid affirmation.
I have a few friends that from time to time come to the blog and read it but you see no one ever really comments ro says anything on it except my long time Guy friend E, who will every now and then say, "Hey I went out to your blog and noticed you have written out there for awhile"
But now, for you to say "One thing you have to know is I go there every day or so and read your blog, jsut so you know"
Wow, well, it kind of put me back a few pegs honestly...
I did know that every now and then you came out here and read. You have commented on a few things here or there.But now, knowing that you are out here daily or often reading and thinking about evrything I say makes me wonder and think
am I writing differently now? Am I going to continue to write differently knowing that he is reading it for sure?
I beleive the answer is yes. There is not much to do about it but continue to try to write as I did before but yet I care about you so I will sheild you as much as possible. But it is still my heart and my thoughts I started here long before I knew you and this has always been my safe haven to express.
Knowing though...has made and will make difference
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Choice
The choice to leave is not always an easy one.
My counselor says that oft times one person has decided to leave far before they actually leave they just haven't shared this with the other person. I believe and know this to be true, even if we don't know this ourselves.
Often times the hardship in this is that there are times that it feels or may seem like you are leaving one person for another person because of this because by the time you finally get around to leaving you have moved on but you failed to tell the person you are leaving this information.
It is not about the other person it is about the unhealthy relationship, it is about the trying, it is about the pains and the sorrows, the heartaches you both kept going through and hopefully you both come to a conclusion for the best of both of you that this is not working out and so you can still remain in tact with your hearts not completely shattered and hopefully still caring about each other and as friends that you walk away with your heads held high.
I'm not saying we are not broken when we leave and make this choice, but leaving amiably is different. I think leaving with your heart still tact is a great feat and I think it was accomplished and I think one would agree.
I care about this person and I know he cares about me. He is a good man and good person. He has amazing talents and good heart. It just wasn't working anymore. It was unhealthy for the both of us. It just wasn't right anymore. I want the best for him and I truly believe when he said "I hope you find happiness" he meant it.
He said I was a lot of work, he said he was tired of trying, he said most men don't realize how much work it takes to make me happy and/keep me happy. I am not like normal women, I don't have a normal job, I don't live a normal life. Nope. I am he farthest from normal that they come and I always have been. I accept that. I know that about myself.
Here's what I have found with my counselor in this past year that I have grown and what a lot of women don't get to and what he may not even realize...
I don't need a man to make me happy
I have found the courage to be myself
I enjoy being me
I will choose to be me no matter what the cost
I am a strong, confident, powerful woman
I am a pleasure to be around
I have emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs that are of crucial importance to me
I NOW at 40 years old and from here on out...
will hold any man very strongly to these standards and they will either meet them
or they will not be a part of my life!
I will not be "Broken Girl" anymore as Matthew West sings as his lyrics say(go look them up)
I will not allow men nor anyone else to walk all over me anymore - (to not mistake that I believe HE did because he did not, quite the contrary, I'm just saying other men and people in my life have)
People treat you how you allow them to treat you... I'm done being a doormat...
Though on that note... I am done being on a shelf and waiting...
I was getting dusty and I don't have time for dusty (sorry-but true)
I will be the fun, cheery, silly, energetic, goofy, bouncy, light hearted person I enjoy being
and I have come to terms that not everyone will like that about me,
I have come to terms that I will not get along with everyone
I have come to terms with that I may rub some people the wrong way
and I also have come to terms with the other side of me-which btw is the side that everyone has-the dark side
I can get aggressive, I can get angry, I can get grouchy and I can take peoples heads off...
But I look at where I was and where I used to be and how far I become and I am sorry but I could be worse and I am not GOD, I am not Jesus, I am a work in progress :)
and I have come to terms with that part of me too...
and if people don't like it...
oh well.
My skin used to be thin as water and I have developed a thicker skin.
I had jobs beg me to leave because my boss couldn't even talk to me without me crying at her desk. I had jobs where I was a wreck and I worked at home. I have had jobs where I walked out because I couldn't take it.
This year I went through exhaustive, internal assessment with a counselor and said I want to get to the bottom of me and my insecurities! It take a VERY strong person to do that and I did. I am not the me I used to be, I am BETTER DAMNIT! :) He said he didn't know who I was anymore...well, you are right...you didn't because I was stronger and more me than I had ever been before.
The choice to leave was not an easy one, but I think I hope he saw (or he said he did) that it was a needed one and I feel at ease about it because I think we can both move on with our lives and I hope we both can find happiness in areas we never knew existed.
I hope he said was he really felt and wasn't telling me lies. I hope he meant what he said. I hope he is okay because I do and always will truly care about this man. I cared more about him in 3 years than I did anyone else and I truly did understand him more than I think anyone else ever did...
Be well...be safe...be true...be you...
My counselor says that oft times one person has decided to leave far before they actually leave they just haven't shared this with the other person. I believe and know this to be true, even if we don't know this ourselves.
Often times the hardship in this is that there are times that it feels or may seem like you are leaving one person for another person because of this because by the time you finally get around to leaving you have moved on but you failed to tell the person you are leaving this information.
It is not about the other person it is about the unhealthy relationship, it is about the trying, it is about the pains and the sorrows, the heartaches you both kept going through and hopefully you both come to a conclusion for the best of both of you that this is not working out and so you can still remain in tact with your hearts not completely shattered and hopefully still caring about each other and as friends that you walk away with your heads held high.
I'm not saying we are not broken when we leave and make this choice, but leaving amiably is different. I think leaving with your heart still tact is a great feat and I think it was accomplished and I think one would agree.
I care about this person and I know he cares about me. He is a good man and good person. He has amazing talents and good heart. It just wasn't working anymore. It was unhealthy for the both of us. It just wasn't right anymore. I want the best for him and I truly believe when he said "I hope you find happiness" he meant it.
He said I was a lot of work, he said he was tired of trying, he said most men don't realize how much work it takes to make me happy and/keep me happy. I am not like normal women, I don't have a normal job, I don't live a normal life. Nope. I am he farthest from normal that they come and I always have been. I accept that. I know that about myself.
Here's what I have found with my counselor in this past year that I have grown and what a lot of women don't get to and what he may not even realize...
I don't need a man to make me happy
I have found the courage to be myself
I enjoy being me
I will choose to be me no matter what the cost
I am a strong, confident, powerful woman
I am a pleasure to be around
I have emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs that are of crucial importance to me
I NOW at 40 years old and from here on out...
will hold any man very strongly to these standards and they will either meet them
or they will not be a part of my life!
I will not be "Broken Girl" anymore as Matthew West sings as his lyrics say(go look them up)
I will not allow men nor anyone else to walk all over me anymore - (to not mistake that I believe HE did because he did not, quite the contrary, I'm just saying other men and people in my life have)
People treat you how you allow them to treat you... I'm done being a doormat...
Though on that note... I am done being on a shelf and waiting...
I was getting dusty and I don't have time for dusty (sorry-but true)
I will be the fun, cheery, silly, energetic, goofy, bouncy, light hearted person I enjoy being
and I have come to terms that not everyone will like that about me,
I have come to terms that I will not get along with everyone
I have come to terms with that I may rub some people the wrong way
and I also have come to terms with the other side of me-which btw is the side that everyone has-the dark side
I can get aggressive, I can get angry, I can get grouchy and I can take peoples heads off...
But I look at where I was and where I used to be and how far I become and I am sorry but I could be worse and I am not GOD, I am not Jesus, I am a work in progress :)
and I have come to terms with that part of me too...
and if people don't like it...
oh well.
My skin used to be thin as water and I have developed a thicker skin.
I had jobs beg me to leave because my boss couldn't even talk to me without me crying at her desk. I had jobs where I was a wreck and I worked at home. I have had jobs where I walked out because I couldn't take it.
This year I went through exhaustive, internal assessment with a counselor and said I want to get to the bottom of me and my insecurities! It take a VERY strong person to do that and I did. I am not the me I used to be, I am BETTER DAMNIT! :) He said he didn't know who I was anymore...well, you are right...you didn't because I was stronger and more me than I had ever been before.
The choice to leave was not an easy one, but I think I hope he saw (or he said he did) that it was a needed one and I feel at ease about it because I think we can both move on with our lives and I hope we both can find happiness in areas we never knew existed.
I hope he said was he really felt and wasn't telling me lies. I hope he meant what he said. I hope he is okay because I do and always will truly care about this man. I cared more about him in 3 years than I did anyone else and I truly did understand him more than I think anyone else ever did...
Be well...be safe...be true...be you...
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