My Heart

I stumbled, literally stumbled upon this song and felt like it was so close to Father's Eyes (Amy Grant)  and When I Leave (JJ Heller). I wept uncontrollably when I heard it. Your Heart by Chris Tomlin.

This is really all I want. At the end of the day I want people to say My Heart Looks like Your Heart Lord. I really AM good inside. I don't mean to tear others down. I don't mean to Jekkyl and Hyde. I don't want to hurt another. I don't mean to be a mean girl. I know me. Most of the time I know I am good, honest, true, benevolent and kind. Most of the time I am sweet, caring and would give you the world if I could.I am a good, loving soul. I am. I am...I know I am. I AM a good person.

I just want to be an instrument in his hands. I guess, right now, I must be. I must be the instrument so another can see my pain. I must have to go through this trial so another can know the goodness of life and know it will be ok. I know this trial is for me too. And Dear Lord, I have learned so much, at such a HIGH , REALLY HIGH COST! I will keep learning, I will keep growing and no, in two years I WON'T be the same...I will be BETTER. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of a good family. I deserve happiness. And so does he. So does J.

At the end of the day, I want to hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
When the world looks at me, I pray all they see
Is my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart

This breakup has torn me apart and made me someone else. I have become bitter and angry and scorn and scarred, hurt and pained, broken and shattered. I have felt the utmost of hatred for a woman I hardly know. I have felt tossed aside. I have felt that she got in the way. But you know what...she just wants the love of a good man...how can I fault her for that? She is a child of God too. God reached down to me today and touched my heart. He gave me the words of someone else to teach me and help me heal and help me see what I needed to see. That I needed to stop hating her...and start loving her....

I read something today in Peace from Broken Pieces and I thought, "Oh, wow...there it is." I figured out why I feel the way I do right now and why I hurt so deeply...my ego is bruised. I felt the Lord say to me this morning..."You need to love her." and I thought" How Lord, how could I ever love this woman who is keeping me from this man?" and I swear I felt the Lord say to me "She isn't keeping you from him, my child. She just wants the love of a good man. She is a child of God.  Please love her. Love her for me. Love her for you and lover her for him..."

Then at lunch I fell upon these words while I was reading...

The excerpt reads like this " You love her because she makes him happy. You love him and will always love him, but you could not make him happy. She does, so you love her for that. You love her because she was there for him in a way that you could not be, did not want to be. (I am tearing up reading this and I am in a diner trying to have lunch) You love her because she can hear him and listen to him in a way that you did not hear him, and it has restored him to his sense of self. You have always wanted him to be happy. (This is very true. I have desired his happiness above all else. All I ever wanted was to give J his dream of never having to work again and be an artist) You have always wanted him to know love. She has given him what you could not. She is your sister [in Christ] and you love her for what she has given your beloved."

Then Iyanla's voice "I did want him to be happy because I really did love him. I didn't want him to hurt or be alone or be miserable. My pride and my ego were totally, utterly and completely deflated that I could not be who he needed and wanted, but there was a part of me that was happy for him and happy for me."

Yes. I do want all those things. Yes. I do love him. Yes, I will stop hating her and love her. I will send her my love daily in my prayers as often as I send him love. Love her.

Then, my new phone sent me a message that was the comment form my Art blog. My friend Rita posted this and combined with the feelings I was feeling and this message, my eyes were opened today.

"Your self worth will not end up the winner if you can force him--guilt him--into coming back to you out of pity. Love shouldn't be about need and pain and sorrow and loss...and being proven over and over. Love isn't about desperately needing something from someone. Love is about giving. If you love him, let him go. He's in love with someone else. You are stalking him and hounding him...which has just got to be convincing him he made the right decision."

Today has not been an easy day. My heart is aching, and hard realizations are just that, HARD. I really do want to be a good person and show the world and him the good person that I am. I want the world to see God's Heart. Just like the lyrics say....

It never was about the oil dripping from my head
I never did dream beyond the pastures I could tend
It never was about the praise, not about the street parade
I didn’t really need a crowd when Goliath fell down

I never meant to woo a king with simple shepherd songs
Or hide away inside a cave, safe from danger’s arms
I never meant to wear a crown, or try to bring armies down
It never was about me and who I hoped to be

At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say
My heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
When the world looks at me, let them agree
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart

I never thought I would be much more than Jesse’s kin
Who would ever dream a king would come from Bethlehem?
I know that I’ve crashed and burned, lives have been overturned
But You redeem everything, yeah, even me

At the end of the day, I want to hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
When the world looks at me, I pray all they see
Is my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart

Five little stones, or a royal robe
Shepherd or king doesn’t mean a thing
Cause at the end of the day...

At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
Unashamed I will dance, in Your name, lift my hands
‘Til my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart

Like Your heart, like Your heart
‘Til this heart looks like Your heart