The Ache of Life

The ache of Life haunts me with pains of every type.

since the beginning of my life I am often told that before I was even born I was a survivor and while I used to look at that and think how proud I was because of that fact.

Now look back and I think 

"God I couldn't even get a fucking break in the womb!!"

Cancer News: Resiliency Prevails

The time between when you get your scan and when you get your results are the hardest days to remain calm and relaxed... to live life as you normally would to act and be as you normally are... you have scanxiety... you don't know what to do because there's nothing you can do.

No one will give you news and no one will call you so you don't know... you sit waiting... then it's the day you go to the oncologist they check your temperature, ask you a few questions and you sit in a waiting room, then you go get lab test results. 

Today the blood pressure was 154. The lab nurse, who's a friend says "Good luck with your results try to relax get your blood pressure down."  They take me and walk me into the room. We make jokes and she leaves I tell her,"  I love you, have a good day" and she says "I love you too." Many would think this exchange might be odd but you get to know these nurses and being that I've had cancer twice I sadly have got to know them very well. I wait in the office with bated breath for a doctor, resident, or nurse practitioner to come into the room. A new resident comes in, his very first day, poor boy and he has me, the girl who questions everything, who's the difficult patient, who's the rare case, and the 1%. 

We go around talking about symptoms, feelings, blood pressure, pain level. We talk about my elevated liver enzymes and finally, I can't wait anymore for him to tell me so I asked him the results of the CAT scan. He informs me as calmly as he can that there was a nodule and in 3 months it has grown.

What breath I had has all escaped from me now.

I  take as big of breath as I can to try and not lose control. I hear him say the growth and while I realize .9 cm to 1 cm is not a large amount of growth, it still is growing and that means they cannot give me no evidence of disease diagnosis today.  While it doesn't say that I do have true evidence of disease it also isn't comforting on the other side, either. 

He goes out and talks to the oncologist.  I hear them outside the door reiterating things that I've told him but in a more dignified clear-cut unified form. The oncologist comes into the office. He has some smile as I can see in his eyes and he can tell my feeling and apprehension we discuss options of a  pet scans in 6 weeks, he wants to do 8, I want to do sooner. I finally push and push until he gives in so I can tell he's not happy with the decision.  I try to iron it out with him and he agrees it's okay we'll do it in 6 weeks.

Partially I want it that soon because I know that this year that pet scan will be taken care of on my insurance because we have already met ours out of pocket. I want one on the books because I know my out-of-pocket is met and we will have to pay for the next one at the beginning of next year. We will hear later about the elevated liver enzymes and make some decisions.

I keep asking more and more questions, though he's already answered them, I don't know why.

Perhaps I was waiting for a different answer though in my mind I know he will say the same things. He tells me once again the nodule is small there's no surgeon that will remove it because it's too small and the surgeon would be concerned about taking more so it's a waiting game.

Not what you want to hear is that a nodule needs to grow more before they can remove it. Not what you want to hear is that we will wait longer. 

Logically, to me, it seems like "GET THIS OUT OF MY BODY! LET'S TAKE CARE OF THIS!"

I understand logically his words that he says though I am looking straight at him, I feel like he is talking in a tunnel...

"There would be no further action it's just something to watch."

Again not things you want to hear.

We agree to a 6-week PET scan and he tells me he will allow me treatment today but I need to keep my blood pressure down cuz if it's 170 he cannot give me treatment. Today Bp was 154.  I hear his words and I know that partially my blood pressure is high because of the scanxiety but also because I have been in a great deal amount of pain for other reasons. 

 I told my husband yesterday I was afraid of the pain I was having because it felt very similar to the last time I had cancer and now here I sit carrying those words to be affirmed.

I post my picture on Facebook with my thumbs down and my mask on and share the news with others.

I am a social being and I need to reach out and have that support from my friends where others would keep silent. I know I need to share. 

It's not about wanting the spotlight it's about needing that love and reassurance from friends that this will be okay.

We complete the appointment and I go find my chair in the infusion room.

I cry as the nurse walks up to me to get ready for treatment as I retell the story of what I was just told.

She is as comforting as she can be and hands me tissues. There's not much more that she can do. I could never be a nurse I would want to hug everyone and I would cry with them.

The treatment is prepared and I take my time during my half-hour plus 45 minutes of saline. As soon as my treatment is done I get up and walk out and come to the car.

My heart starts beating faster and my nose starts dripping through my mask.  I can feel myself getting upset again and I try not to get worked up. I step into the car and as I turn it on the radio station is on a Christian station the song on is "It's going to be okay" by Tasha something. I have never heard it before today. 

Immediately I burst into tears.

I cry heavy heaving sobs barely able to catch my breath... whispering...

"This is not fair, this is not fair, this is not fair..."

I cry the duration of the song and more...I try and hear the words...

"Though the mountains may be moved into the sea Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way I can hear my Father singing over me "It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok"

I feel divinely inspired...My Heavenly Father is speaking to me through this music...He is trying to comfort me, he is trying to tell me, "IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY"

I cry again thinking about what that means. His world is not our world. Okay to him is not the same as okay to us. It will be okay, but in what way? 

I slowly stop crying.

My breaths become normal again.

I dry my tears and share these thoughts with you via talk to text so I can edit it later as I am now.

This is out of my hands.

I have to dust myself off, metaphorically speaking, pull up my boots straps and keep moving. 

Life will not stop moving.

I remind myself that 

"We are spiritual beings having an earthly experience" 

and I pull out of the drive and carry on for now.

My resiliency prevails for another moment, for another day, for now. <3

"Verse 1:

My heart is breaking In a way I never thought it could My mind is racing With the question, "are you still good?" Pre-Chorus: Can you make something From the wreckage? Would you take this heart And make it whole again? Chorus: Though the mountains may be moved into the sea Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way I can hear my Father singing over me "It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok" Verse 2: I’ve blamed myself And if I’m honest, maybe I’ve blamed you too But You would not forsake me ‘Cause only good things come from You Bridge: From beginning to the end You’re so close You have never let me down and you won’t In the valley, in the shadow, I know You’re so close You’re so close Chorus: Though the mountains may be moved into the sea Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way I can hear my Father singing over me "It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok” It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok I’m gonna be ok, I’m gonna be ok"

Being Here. Being Human. Day Eight

Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Today, this can be writing ten things that are only because you want to.

Ten things that are not connected to time as money.
Ten things that have nothing to do when showing you can do something just as well as anyone else.
Ten things that reclaim the body’s lived experience without requiring it remains inside the binary.
Ten things that are here, all your own, for you, for their own sake.

What is your own experience?

Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott)
 

1. I have ever felt the love of someone unconditionally until I met my third husband.
2. I wish my mom lived closer
3. I want to run away and live in the woods or country and homestead like they used, completely living off the land, no tech, no tv, maybe phones, but even if not, that is fine, perhaps only the land and me (and my spouse) picking berries, pruning bushes, gardening, canning, waking up each day with no agenda and just DO whatever the hell I want to.
4. I have recently fallen in love with Oriah Mountain Dreamer and thus this has helped me reach my own reality about a part of me that also has in some circles started going under a new name that resonates with me more, but I have not shared it openly with anyone else except my mother.
5. I yearn to write as profoundly as Isabel Abbot and Oriah Mountain Dreamer and slowly am allowing that person to unravel and become
6. I am on Day 39 of 111 Vibrational Exercises and already feel a shift and my life, my connections, and my world is starting to not only change before me, but I am finally the true creator of it and know my Vibration is raised significantly.
7. I have been growing my intuition through an app called Synctuition and  I feel my Vibration and Intuition starting to work in tandem throughout my soul.
8. I always feel like my body is attacking me and no one will ever let me get away with saying that because it feels uncomfortable for them to hear.
9. I have body dysmorphia internally and externally.
10. I am ina constant state of fear my cancer will metastasize again. 

Being Here. Being Human. Day Seven

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

“What would it mean if we didn’t run from our own ugliness or each others? How do we take the sting out of ‘ugly?’ What would it mean to acknowledge our ugliness for all it has given us, how it has shaped our brilliance, and taught us about how we never want to make anyone else feel? What would it take for us to be able to risk being ugly, in whatever that means for us? What would happen if we stopped apologizing for our ugly, stopped being ashamed of it? What if we let go of being beautiful, stopped chasing ‘pretty,’ stopped sucking in and shrinking, and spending enormous amounts of money and time on things that don’t make us magnificent?

Where is the Ugly in you? What is it trying to teach you?”

- Mia Mingus, from Moving Toward the Ugly: A Politic Beyond Desirability

My ugly.

My ugly is on the inside.

I hate how my Aspergers gets in the way of others seeing the real me.

I hate how my Cyclothymia rears its mania head once in a while and I hate how it dives me headfirst into depression some days.

I don't always talk about it because who wants to hear that?

Plus you can't see my Degenerative Disc in my neck and back.

You can't see my body pain two cancers have created for me.

You can't see all the damage two rounds of hefty Chemo medication has created.

You see the damage to my organs.

You don't see my Hashimotos, AutoImmune Disorder.

Just because I don't talk about it...

Doesn't mean it is not there.

Being Here. Being Human. Day Five

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

What are your own small wins? What are the successes you want to name?

What of this life wants to be celebrated alongside the grief?

Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott)

It all matters, and is worthy of occupying our words and space and remembrance.
Let’s write our words of celebrations to all the small and not so small things.

My small wins:

• Creating a new web page for my Toastmasters District
• Organizing all my fabric people donated to me this year
• Labeling and naming each fabric I have to up my game to allow customers to see my fabric choices and pick from them. Game changer!
• Completed the new ReBranding of my business and I am so happy with it.
• Found three different people to start working for my Fashion Business. One Virtual Assistant, One lady to make my floral headbands, one gal to help me some fashion needs
• Created and doing a daily practice of reading and meditation from Raise Your Vibration by Kyle Gray and feeling my vibration get stronger
• Have a regular schedule to listen to my Synctuition and have raise my intuition levels
• For the first time since 2014, we have a couch and a chair 1/2 that I completely manifested for free and it's nearly brand new
• Carving out time for myself for self-care
• Have made Magic Realism a priority to do daily
• Being able to spend time with friends
• Being here, alive, is a huge win for me
• My precious win I always feel honored to have is my spouse. He truly loves me unconditionally and I never thought I would find another that would exist that way.

Doing this challenge today really helped me see the wins in my life, not just the pain.

What are your wins? They can be small or large.

Being Here. Being Human. Day Four

 "It is never asked if the other person might labor to translate into my brain’s diverging language or seek to enter into the interfolded knowing of my own lived experience. And so, through the hoops of translation I go, contorting each time, until the connection received at the other end almost always seems to help the other person far more than myself, assuring them of something. They think they know me more; and yet I feel less known than before the conversation began. My pain has somehow been smoothed over, erased, made more palatable."

Omg, I am so freakin tired of explaining myself to others to make THEM feel better. To make THEM at ease.

Where does it hurt? How does it hurt? 

Today, let’s name our losses, as many as you want and choose.
Let’s speak our pain, in our words, the body that has suffered having its say.
Let’s lay down the need to make sense to another and allow these experiences their own place of belonging at the table of our lexicons and languages.
I am here, interested and listening and ready to receive it.

Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott) 

I ache. I'm in pain. Constantly. The only thing that ever seems to change is the level of pain. Am I LEvel 9 or Level 10. Oh, wow, I've been doing Physical Therapy. It's down to an 8. Alert the media. Not.

People, meaning my therapist, emotional, physical and massage, therapist, all hate it when I say,

"I feel like my body is out to get me. I feel like it is always fighting with me. I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting. It's hard to love a body that keeps failing you."

They say "Oh don't say that. That can't be true. " or " You've got this!"

Maybe I don't wanna get it. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I am sick and tired of fucking getting it. 

You don't understand. You only have seen, PART of my journey. 

I have had issues since before I was born. My mother had experimental chemo and radiation before she knew she was pregnant. Now I am not blaming anyone, so don't get your knickers ina twist. My mother and have discussed this and who knows, it could be a contributor.

After I was born. At 3 years old I had a rake fall on my head and I got stitches for the first time, but not the last. When I was ten, A coat rack fell on my while I was playing hide and seek. Oddly, I still like the game. I seemed to always have a cold growing up. I had back issues from Dance and Gymnastics and all I was putting my body through. I have been in a few car accidents. I had children before my body was ready and that made my body react negatively with ovarian pain, back pain, and more. In my 40s I fell and hurt my back making it worse. 

Then to add to all this misery, I found out I had Stage 3 Colon Cancer. I told the doctors in Iowa since 201 something was wrong with my colon. I begged for a colonoscopy. No one would listen. I was treated for my back degeneration and saw pain management but no one would look at my colon.

Sadly, a year after I married my third husband that I made chase me for five years because I was not sure if It wanted to get married again or not. To add to that emotional pain, his mother passed away five months after we were married, earlier in the year, I found out I had cancer. That was difficult, but not for me. For what we are speaking of here now. 

I felt like I spent 2016-2017 explaining myself to others. Not even just explaining, but making them ok with what was happening to me. I spent time, soothing their minds. Stroking their souls. Assuring them I was okay with things, even if I wasn't. 

In a way I was ok. I always knew in my life that something tragic was going to happen to me, I just didn't know when. I nearly smacked one spiritualist when she said "You know, you probably give yourself cancer with your negative way of thinking that would happen. By thinking something WOULD happen you made it happen."  Really, I almost hit her. Honestly.

In my Cyclothymia (Bi-polar symptom) mind, I started fixating on that. "Was it my fault?" "Did I give myself this illness?" I talked to my therapist about it...A LOT.

I had a whole year in 2018 to live. To explore. To travel. To celebrate life. To start seeing life differently. We planned and went on a trip for a whole month in France and a little bit in Holland. Amsterdam. Volendam and other areas. We moved into a new apartment closer to my husband's work so we could spend more time together. I was in a pure state of bliss. Je Suis Contente.

Was it enough? Did I learn the lesson I needed to learn? 

Evidently not.

My second cancer was found in February 2019. However, I started having issues right after we came back from France. At first, I passed it off, must just be my body getting used to American food and ways again. We came back on September 1st  and by October I was in the doctor's office. My ovaries or something in that region was really bothering me. We did  Biopsies let and right. All inconclusive. Months went by and it was Christmas. A friend asked me to help him at a Kiosk in the mall. Not a good idea. We were right in front of the Santa pictures. That meant a lot of kids wiping their snot and sick germs all over everything I was touching. The sneezed openly and coughed openly. OF course, I got sick. My husband got sick. Then he got that horrible Flu. Then I got that horrible flu and had to get pneumonia and flu shot afterward. I still felt horrible and thought I was gaining weight because my stomach was getting bigger. In January, I noticed my abdomen getting larger but yet I really had no appetite and I knew I wasn't eating much. 

The tail end of January I went to the doctor and other tests were done. Come to find out my abdomen was swelling and I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my ovaries and it was leaking fluid into my abdomen. By the beginning of February, the doctors were running around like chickens with their head cut off again because they didn't listen to me when I said there was an issue.

I spent all of 2019 in an infusion room it felt. Talking to other cancer warriors. Some not as warrior minded as me. Some had cancers four times in a row or some had more severe cancer. I felt like that was not even a place I could speak about my cancer without having to be careful what I say or how I say it. Someone people were brutally honest when we spoke and I loved that! But most people talked about their cancer. They talked about everything else BUT their cancer though that was the largest thing in their face! 

The hardest moment I had was when my first chemo appointment. My friend Angela went with me. She was a cancer survivor and understood. Plus she was a spiritualist like me and allowed me to be me and express myself however I needed to. I cherish her.  That first day was hard for both of us.

I walked over to the recliner to sit down and immediately the memory came back to me of all the time I sat there a few years ago. 

I burst into tears.

I shouted, "IT'S NOT FAIR! It's JUST NOT FAIR!WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE CANCER AGAIN? WHY? CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME? "

She held me as I sobbed and sobbed. When I finally sat down I looked around me and I saw people looking at me with sincere hearts and love. They knew the feeling. I knew by the look in their eyes they were saying back to me "I know. I know what you are going through. I understand that emotion.it's okay to be yourself here. We get it."

At the end of 2019 I was given the status of NED, No Evidence of Disease, however, I was told I need to keep my port in and I have to get Avastin regularly. I may have to get it for the rest of my life. 

In January of 2020, I started getting my Avastin Once a month.

As of now, I have pains because of the Avastin side effects. I have shoulder tension and jaw tension. I have Hashimotos from all the chemo I went through, it affected my thyroid and this happens often in cancer patients. I have been complaining about my neck and shoulder and chest since last fall. Another series of no one listening to me. Joy. Not.

Finally, we are getting some Physical therapy happening and it is helping but not 100%

I have pains because of my Degenerative Disc in my neck and back. Plus the added should pain isn't helping.

I have been getting these odd pains under my breast, still can't figure that one out.

I lie in bed every night acknowledging each pain and doing what I can to alleviate the pain or make it tolerable enough that I can maybe get some sleep. I wake every morning in pain and take pills to try and relax my muscles and take care of that. Throughout the day, I stretch and take more pain pills to try and help. It takes the edge off but I am still in pain.

I told my therapist I think the term "Cronic Sufferer" is now my label I associate with the most.

Others do not understand my pain. Even if you have pains similar to mine, you are not in my body or feeling my pain. 

I am a positive person and do my best to remain and show positivity to others because it soothes them. It strokes their soul. It makes them feel better about what I am going through. 

I never realized how much I do that until I read this prompt and started thinking about it.

Thank you Isabel for the aid in allowing those feelings out.

I know pain is my life. I have accepted it. 

Now...

I am able to greet it, in a different way. <3

Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Being Here. Being Human. Day 2. Year 2020

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Day Two

Telling stories remakes the world!

Today we can begin to make the space.

We aren’t leaving ourselves or one another behind.

What story are you telling?
What world are you remaking?
What one thing do you want to name today?

I am telling the story of an overcomer, a survivor, a soldier a warrior.

I tell the stories others are afraid to share and listeners are not used to hearing.

I tell stories about hard things

I tell the stories os the power of positivity

I tell stories about being authentic and real.

I tell stories about how I create the life I love and how others can too.

I tell the stories about advocacy, patient, or otherwise.

Through my stories,

I am remaking a world into a place of love

I am remaking a world into a place of acceptance.

I am remaking a world of awareness.

I am remaking a world of Compassion, Empathy, Tolerance, Resiliency, Evolving

What one thing do I want to name today?

Today I name myself as a powerful Master Manifestor of Miracles!

~Xoxo Trisha Trixie

Being Here. Being Human: Day 1. Year 2020.

Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Today is the first day of a new online project I am doing by Being Here. Being Human. https://www.beingherehuman.com/

SEPTEMBER 7 TO SEPTEMBER 18: MAGICAL REALISM W/ ISABEL ABBOTT

A writing workshop for those living with disability and/or chronic illness

Two weeks where we will write through the intersections of disability, accessibility, the sick/well binary of the disordered and diagnoses, the mundane and naming what is real, hybridity and living in spaces between, celebrating the small things, care, and creation, mourning and making a world where we leave none of us behind.

A writing space by us
About us
For us

(If you want to join I am not sure if they are still taking people)

https://www.beingherehuman.com/writing-workshop

Day 1- For today, what do you need to write, about you and for you?

What realities pass through your head without any other consideration?

We have these next days to write for ourselves. This time is for you, about you. And you know you best. You, the subject of your own words and writing and life. You know what you need for something to be accessible. For something to be for you and about you. You know all of what comes from the hours spent alone, and from the learning and the unlearning, that happen in these unruly bodies and disordered brains. You. And in this you, us. Together, we are allowed to bring it back to this, each in our own way.

“I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best.”
― Frida Kahlo

The realities that pass through my mind that I have accepted are...

• The reality that I have more brain fog from all my chemo than I realized.
• The reality that this brain fog is limiting to my daily life and tasks.
• The reality that I will always be misunderstood by someone and I accept that
• The reality that I am a direct communicator
• The reality that I am real, raw, and hones to a fault
• The reality that I am authentic and that scares some people
• The reality that I am"too much" for some people and...
• The reality that if I am " too much" then those are not my people
• The reality that I am a lightworker, a star seed, a healer, a shaman, an indigo child
• The reality that I am good at what I do, though saying that out loud is often taken as Egotistical
• The reality that I can handle "more" in most situations than most people
• The reality that I am a hard worker and a smart worker
• The reality that because of all my pains, cancer, ailments, disorders, etc I tend to have a much higher tolerance for pain than I used to. 
• The reality that because I have a high tolerance, I am often misjudged or diagnosed because others have shaped their disbelief, thus they think the same applies to me
• The reality that my body is flawed. Degenerative disc in neck and back, Hashimoto's, GI issues because of my colon cancer, as well as two cancers have severely altered my body.
• The reality that we all are perfectly imperfect in our own way.
• The reality that others have not ever walked a journey like I have so they will never understand and I need to quit expecting them to.
• The reality that my tribe may be small but powerful, loving, and accepting.
• The reality that I give more than I receive
• The reality that I am unique
• The reality that I have body dysmorphia and have a hard time loving my body because of this, but also the reality that I struggle to love my body because I often feel like my body is attacking me or out to get me after having cancer twice and so many side effects and issues from the chemo than I care to mention
• The reality that life is precious to me because I truly know there are no guarantees in life
• The reality that if I desire to change I need to be the change
• The reality that I am a good human
• The reality that I look at  things, life, etc with a kaleidoscope vision
• Lastly, the reality that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and not the other way around

I am sure if I stood here, at my standing desk longer, I could come up with more, but my intuition has stopped me here at this point in my writing.

I am grateful for this challenge and appreciate the writing prompts to help us along.

I am thankful to Isabel Abbot for sharing her gifts with us so that we may share our gifts with others.

Peace Love and Happiness

Trixie <3

I speak about hard things

I speak about hard things.

Things that others hide and shelter away. They do this because society has told them not to allow others in, you'll get hurt, not to show your true self, because you will get made fun of, not tell others what REALLY is going on because either no one will care or they will tease or mock you. Fear far too often rears its ugly head.

Well, I refuse to be silent anymore!!

I refuse to be silent about my life, my habits, and my traits, my illnesses, and disorders, my medical issues.

I refuse to be silent about my beliefs, I refuse to be silent about my political feelings, I refuse to be silent while my black brothers and sisters are just trying to be treated like everyone else, I refuse to allow my dear mother earth to be a victim of our humanity, I refuse to sit by and watch loving creatures be slaughtered for our consumption, I refuse to sit by while hatred or nastiness spews out of the mouths of others only to tear them down to lift themself up, I refuse to stand by to anything anymore...

mostly, I refuse to allow others to silence others anymore.

Yes, I will be that speaker that speaks about hard things because we need to hear about those hard things to learn how to overcome, to move forward, to heal. We need to know others have gone through what we have gone through.

An old adage we often hear is "Misery loves Company. is true. We prefer not to suffer alone. We desire and yearn for the company and the understanding of others. We need to know we are heard. We heal from that connection, to know someone else out there understands what we are going through. It bonds us to each other.

Through my speaking career, I have learned there are others like me. The more I spoke, the more people came up to me afterward and said "Thank you for sharing that. I too have been struggling through or have struggled through that and It's nice to know that someone else has too.

I decided to start speaking about hard things one day out of the blue. I felt very much like stopping the world so I could get off. After a while I found myself saying to myself "I can't be the only one! I just can't!" I can't tell you when that day was or what was the final catalyst, but I will tell you, every time I share something real, raw, authentic and vulnerable about myself, I always end up reading, hearing, or talking to someone who says "I have empathy for where you have been" and I reply, "That is the gift I have been given in this life, to acquire empathy for the hard things in life so that I could say to you,' I have empathy for where you have been."<3

My book is called Falling to Fabulous: A Phoenix Rising because I truly feel that I fell.,.. for you. I rose from the ashes...for you.<3

None of us have a guarantee in life when we will go. Have faced cancer twice was like facing a hungry lion barely escaping within an inch of its grasp. All those things you think are so important, suddenly aren't. The things you look back on your life, should not be regrets. You realize how precious life is yes, but I came out of it also realizing how precious humanity was. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

I want my time left on this earth, for however long that will be, to be a wonderful experience full of peace, love, and happiness. I want to help my fellow human beings.

If that means sharing and speaking about those hard things, then that is what I will do. And when I am gone, the world will look back and hopefully see a Legacy of love in my wake. <3

2020 Summed Up

Guess this about sums up 2020 so far: WOW it is only half way through JULY!
🤷🏼‍♀️🤔
Dear Diary 2020 Edition,
In ❄️ January, 🔥 Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran 🇮🇷 . We might actually still be almost at war with them 🤔. I don’t know, because 👩 Jen Aniston and 👨🏻 Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards 🏆 show and everyone flipped the crap out 😲, but then there was this thing happening in 🦇 🇨🇳 China, then 👑 Prince Harry and Megan ✌🏼 peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial 👩‍⚖️ , and then corona virus 🦠 showed up in the US ✔️“officially,” but then 🏀 Kobe died 😭and UK 🇬🇧 peaced out of the European Union.
In February, 🌽 Iowa crapped 💩 itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the 👩🏼‍💼Speaker of the House took ten. Whole. years. to rip up a speech , but then The👨‍🔬 🌎WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused 🤔some really important people 👔 in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty👨🏻‍⚖️, and 🇺🇸 Americans started asking if Corona beer 🍺 was safe to drink🤦🏻‍♀️, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor 👨‍⚕️ who just knew the 🤒flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.
In March, stuff hit the fan👿. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust 💥, but then Italy 🇮🇹 shut its whole country down 🚷, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a 😱pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency 🆘was declared in US 🇺🇸 , but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu 💁🏻‍♀️, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? 💡 I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks👨🏻, get y’all to close all of the schools so y’all can 🙏🏼 appreciate teachers 👩‍🏫 for once (because you can’t teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen🤦🏻‍♀️ ) close down all of salons so you can’t get your 💇‍♂️ hair or your nails done💅 , everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The 📉 DOW took a crap 💩 on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing 🤔 (I still don’t), We were then all introduced to 🐅 Tiger King and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year , 👍🏼Carol totally killed her husband⚰️ ..... whacked him! And then Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now.
In 🌧 April, Bernie finally busted✌🏼 himself out of the presidential race 🏃 , but then NYC 🗽became the set of The Walking Dead 💀 and we learned that no one has face masks 😷, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID , and by now our 🦁outgrowth is showing, so there’s a shortage on 📦 box hair dye and all of our hair dressers are like , 😱 NO DONT DO IT!!! But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life … or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released 🎥 videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….
In 💐 May, the biblical end times kicked off , historical locust swarms, we learned of murder hornets 🐝 and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games🙈 however people forgot to let us know. people legit started to protest lockdown measures with 🔫 AR-15s, 🏀⚾️sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were 🗣protests in every city🌃 ,which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in 👫crowds of more than 🖐🏼🤚🏼10 and for sure closer than 6 foot away ⬅️➡️from each other . Those people must have forgotten about the 😖pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media 📺 🗞 struggled with how to 🤬focus on two important things at once, people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale 🐋 was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest 🌳 after monkeys 🐒 stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab 🔬 and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid ☄️ narrowly missed the Earth🌍.
In ☀️ June, common sense just got thrown 🤾🏼 straight out the window and somehow 😷 wearing masks became a 🏛political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, then 👨‍🔬scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like 🙅🏽‍♂️🙅🏻‍♀️🚧DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind 💨 was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange 🛰radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe 🌌 that repeats itself every so many days 🗓 , and everyone was like 👽 DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT‼️🚫 but then America reopened 🙌🏼from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly .... not that great 👎🏼. All of the Karen’s came out at once, and people started tearing down 🔨 statues. Everyone is on Facebook arguing 🤼‍♀️ about masks 👃🏼, but then Florida 🏖 was like hold my beer 🍺 and let me show you how we’re number one 🥇 in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Coronavirus. Then we learned there was a massive dust cloud ☁️ coming straight at us 📍from the Sahara Desert 🐫 , which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the 👻 ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then 📚 learned of meth-gators 🐊 , and I'm like that is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card 😡 can we use it as the free space?? 🤷🏻 Then we learned that the Congo's worst ever Ebola 🚨 outbreak is over 😓, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever? 👀 ....... and don’t forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES! 🐍, seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!!
So here comes July…. at this point we are over it , just tell us what’s next .... 👽 Aliens? 🔱Zeus? ☄️ Asteroids? Artificial Intelligence becomes self aware? Can it just be something cool 😎 or fun for once? Maybe even a good laugh , like hahaha 😂 April Fools! We all actually wouldn’t mind that joke at this point.
Also, why didn't I know about the whale in the Amazon? Or a few other things because I just can’t keep up anymore!
But I’m sharing it because as long as we make it through 2020, I really want this to pop back up in the memories a few years from now. 🗓
Author unknown 🤷🏼‍♀️