Frequency

 I've been told before that after I leave a room or leave talking with someone that they feel exhausted or worn out after being in my presence.

As a teen and young adult, I was always told I was "too much" and after a while, it got to me. 

I'm not "too much", I am just me. 

Now that I am older and wiser and have connections with mystics and healers and intuitive that what others described as too much is really that I vibrate at such a high frequency, it is a lot to take in. thus making one feel tired or exhausted.

I used to try to squash that person down and not be me.

Then I started being authentic.

Now I am ready to be unapologetically me.

I have Aspergers, I have a version of Bi-polar called Cyclothymia and I am pretty sure I have ADHD but never have been diagnosed.

What is all that?

Labels.

Societal Labels are all it is really. It is others' way of dealing with me. However, what I have found is that not everyone can handle unique people like me.

I have been watching the show "A-Typical" lately and I laugh so hard it hurts sometimes because it is SO damn relatable and plus funny. I relate so much with the main character and I also am able to see things from my siblings' side for once. I am a lot. Growing up I was a lot. 

I was also known as a miracle baby because my mom had experimental chemo and radiation and the doctors wanted to abort me. It was also 3 years after they told my mother she would never have another baby. Then I came along. She asked for a sign so clear a blind man could see it. A locker trunk of clothes showed up at her door full of girls clothes (otherwise she would not have even known it was a girl)

Even early on I had bad shit happen around me.

AT 3 a rake fell o my head and I had to get stitches. (Long story for another day).

At 5 I fell on the only patch of concrete we had on the farm and busted my chin open.

Around 9/10 I tripped over an old metal coat rack and it fell and cracked my head open.

Let me tell you. Life has not been easy these 50 years. Like. AT ALL.

But that is not to say that I didn't have good things. I had many good things in my life. Sometimes I do wonder if the good really DOES outweigh the bad or not?

What I see in the show is when you have a child that has special needs in any way, it can take over the whole family. The sibling in the show often gets the brunt of everything. She tries to talk and the parents are worried about Sam, the autistic teen instead. The sibling gets completely overlooked until the new boyfriend stands up and reminds them they had more than one child.

Like much of my recent life and recent past month, I have really been hyper-aware and knowledge is just downloading so fast I can't get it back out fast enough for others.

I think I have always vibrated at a high frequency. 

I think the is a connective reason.

.

.

.

I chose to be here. I wanted this life. I knew this life would teach me what I needed to further ascend.

I know we all have a purpose.

I am living my purpose (or at least the one I think is most correct)

The more I learn and evolve I think my vibration and frequency just get stronger and that is why people leave your life during times like this and only the ones who were meant to end up staying.

Because the others can't handle the vibrancy.

It all makes sense now.

I am not "too much"

my vibration is just too strong for some to handle.

I am unique.

That uniqueness has allowed me to live a life with actually a lot of freedom to explore my world, careers, interests, and so on.

So yes I know a lot about a lot. I am not being egotistical like a "know it all" because I don't know it all, but I do know alot. I have lived a lot. I have loved a lot.

It has been said I am "not like any other woman I have ever met" sometimes I have been told I am "not like any other PERSON they have ever met."

They would be right.

My frequency is not right for your ears.

Perhaps I am for another land or another timeline or perhaps

you need to reset your frequency :)

XO Trixie

7 Calls

 7 calls later...

I finally give in.

I selfishly am sad because I just went through calling 7 different people and none picked up.

I say "selfishly" because while I know and realize they have their own lives, I want them to answer because I am having a "moment" and needed someone to talk to for just five minutes.

I even called my therapist and HE didn't even answer.

Tomorrow I find out my results of what the doctors desire me to do.

Are we doing chemo, radiation, surgery? One or all? Which order?

I must be anxious.

Also, I got my first Covid Vaccine Saturday, Mar 20th, and my head hurts but my arm feels like it is going to fall off it hurts so much.

Then Hunepants and I were struggling to converse today. That was odd.

IS the moon off or something? Did somebody move the moon?

I really wanted to talk to one of those people. The hard part is I can't share that on social media because then people say "Why didn't you call me?"

Well, I realized something. 

I reach out to specific people because I am looking for someone to just let me be and let me feel what I want but to be there with me, to understand. Not pity, not diatribes of "You got this" bullshit, or "Hang in there"

Have ya all thought, maybe I don't want to hang in there? Geesh I'm tired.

My body has been through a lot.

I'm not in the mood for pep talks. I can do that on my own.

Sometimes I just need the right person, the right mix of "I am holding space for you" and "My heart goes out to you"

Sigh.

IT really sucks when people don't answer when you need them. :(

The Cancer is Back 2021

Yes, you read that title right. 3rd time, cancer has now metastasized down towards my rectal area. I am now considered Stage 4 Metastitzed Colorectal Cancer and will have to take maintenance medication for the rest of my life or I will cease to exist.

That is a lot to take in.

I just found out Friday and today is Monday.

I have been answering calls, texts, emails since I shared the news.

All I have been through and fought for us to make sure I am ok because I have been in so much pain and no one seemed to want to listen until now, is a lot.

I just had hernia surgery and we waited eight weeks instead of four for me to get treatment and the mass doubled. What that tells us is that we can't put off treatments. With that, we are moving up my treatments to every 3 weeks.

I also have a bulging disc in that same general region.

That has been the hardest through this...fighting doctors, trying to get people to listen to me.

Sometimes, it is people who say they are my friends and argue with me. People tell me "If you are looking for monsters, you will find them." I want to scream and yell at them. I want to ask,

"So I just live in miserable pain and not try to find answers?"

It makes me crazy.

I know since Facebook has grown I have not written on here as much but I feel it is important to try to keep sharing my journey on here because part of my leaving a legacy of love is the ability to help others. If this blog in any way can help another, I am all for it.

I don't know what this means for me in the coming months, but we have recently been trying to travel abroad more or even live abroad and this does change that somewhat. We still will travel but I need to be close to home more.

We are going to look at home in Colorado and find someplace that is near to RMCC, Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers as much as possible within our price range. 

We are still going to travel but maybe even sooner.

I am going to see friends and family, I am going to travel.

I refuse to let Cancer define me or rule my life.

I refuse to let others rule my life.

I refuse to be in this pain.

Most of all I reuse to lie down and die.

I am still vibrant in MANY other ways and I still have a legacy of love to leave! <3

XOXO Trisha Trixie