7 Calls

 7 calls later...

I finally give in.

I selfishly am sad because I just went through calling 7 different people and none picked up.

I say "selfishly" because while I know and realize they have their own lives, I want them to answer because I am having a "moment" and needed someone to talk to for just five minutes.

I even called my therapist and HE didn't even answer.

Tomorrow I find out my results of what the doctors desire me to do.

Are we doing chemo, radiation, surgery? One or all? Which order?

I must be anxious.

Also, I got my first Covid Vaccine Saturday, Mar 20th, and my head hurts but my arm feels like it is going to fall off it hurts so much.

Then Hunepants and I were struggling to converse today. That was odd.

IS the moon off or something? Did somebody move the moon?

I really wanted to talk to one of those people. The hard part is I can't share that on social media because then people say "Why didn't you call me?"

Well, I realized something. 

I reach out to specific people because I am looking for someone to just let me be and let me feel what I want but to be there with me, to understand. Not pity, not diatribes of "You got this" bullshit, or "Hang in there"

Have ya all thought, maybe I don't want to hang in there? Geesh I'm tired.

My body has been through a lot.

I'm not in the mood for pep talks. I can do that on my own.

Sometimes I just need the right person, the right mix of "I am holding space for you" and "My heart goes out to you"

Sigh.

IT really sucks when people don't answer when you need them. :(