Tears for Songs

I sat listening to music on my Itunes today. Various songs came on and didn't really afect me, but then Destiny from KAtherine McPhee came on and I started to cry. I went to look at the lyrics to figure it out. I guess I jsut feel so much like I have no one, no one is behind me. I am always behind everyone ele and I support everyone and make them feel better, but where is the person that always stood by my side and was truly there for me.

"You were always by my side
That you believed in me was enough reason whyI didn't stop,
didn't give upeven if i sometimes lost hope"

So many people here in Iowa have all these friends that they have known since kindergarten, high school etc and they are still friends with them. I have one friend I can sometimes talk to and that's it. Most of the time I can't even talk to him. I have been pretty emotional lately anyway. So much has gone on with Nate and now I am not even seeing him. I deleted my SO blog and keep planing on redoing it, but don't know how all that will look. I can't talk to anyone about the SO because they don't get it. I think I need to start a Parents of SO Support group. I can't seem to find one out there so maybe I need to start one so we all have someone else to talk to. Sigh. It is just so frustrating.

Anyway, I better get back to work. I have taken WAY too much time off recently and need to get back down to business. I am two choices away for a new logo and then soon moving onto the dating sites. Maybe I will add a blog to the business site and then all the members will know what is going on with the sites.

Ok, well, I am better now. I have cried my little cry, sobbed my sob and wrote it all down to bore you half to death. Back to work. On my own...sigh.

Co or Ne

WARNING: THIS MESSAGE INCLUDES MANY FRUSTRATING AND SPEWING THOUGHTS. IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ SOMETHING THAT IS ALL VENTING AND SPEWING STOP NOW. OTHERWISE ...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.


Went to see S for a bit. Was a long two weeks. I didn't have work to do there so it was boring as heck. He at least is working non stop so when he is off work he only has a few hours to try and fill. I could fill a few hours. Plus he could be working on the sites with his boredom time but then claims to be too busy. Interesting.

I am feeling so frustrated lately as I feel like I am going 150 miles an hour and taking care of the books, handling the B2B account things now mostly, tending to the mail, finding designers and developers, setting up networking, un packing everything here and BTW had to competlely take care of the move and the car (twice), plus the mechanic, plus paying the bills now (minus two I think that he has set up on automatic - woo hoo), and trying to be here for my son and make sure the other one is happy too, ex, stp dtr who could care less about me, and so on.

On a good note I will be updating my photo site clickpics4u.com and start loading up my pics to the site for others to download or purchase. I took some amazing pics in the bluff, of the bluff, in Co and even recently here in Ia.

We had some intense storms here and the aftermath pics are well WOW doesn't even cover it.

so anyway, Jsut wanted to chat a bit and update what has been happening. Aside from S griping (like always - he can't be pleased no matter what I do or say), things have been ok. Sigh. I becvome frustrated because I do sincerely feel as if I will never please him. I don't like that feeling. Also I feel as if he doesn't truly care about how he looks or he would do something about it and he is getting larger and larger. Which means more and mroe snoring, less and less of me wanting to sleep near him because of that snoring and a vicious cycle of misery as THAT isn't going to please him if that happens.

Plus I know he thinks he can't please me either and it so makes me wonder about us sometimes. Why are we still married if we both feel defeated so much? I dunno. Cant answer that one except to say that perhaps the good out weighs the bad. The bad news is I feel as the bad is inching into the lead to outweigh the good.

Is it really too much to ask for someone to take an active part in a relationship? Isn't that what relationship means? He whines to me a day a go about how he feels unforgotten because he can't reach me or I don't email or talk to him enough, but how many years did I sit and wait whiel something else was more important? how many years did I try to call him and couldnt reach him because he was in meetings or travelling? Did I freak out? No. How many years?? MANY. I have a hard time feeling bad now that the show is on the other foot. I hope that doesnt make me sound awful but I guess I feel justified.

he always says things like he " loves me mor ethan I love him" but he doesn't show it. HE still doesnt get that working a 100 hours doent mean romance or love to me. Notes, cards, flowers, poems, letters, a favorite candy bar I like, or a small something to say how he feels. I am always the one showering and he doesnt, but if I miss doing it he whines. When is he going to truly show me how he feels? Without tears or whining or griping? Am I expecting too much? Is it really than unrealistic to think that a man can work for his family, take care of the bills, and still make time for his wife so she feels special? I guess I must be crazy.

GRRR. It is SOO frustrating. oh and the other day he calls and the first thing out of his mouth is yelling because he couldnt reach me. He didnt say hi. he didnt say I miss you. he didnt ask me how my day was. All he cared about was he was frustrated and so I jsut should have been there. Even though I called him on it, he still ended up whining, griping and crying before the conversation was over of course AFTER he Verbally Vomitted on me about hsi day and his stresses as I stand there covered, dripping and now I am mad, hurt, stressed and he is fine and is like, Ok well, Ill let you go now thanks.

Uh, I don't think so buddy. We had a chat. Lets jsut say it wasnt good for him. SIGH AAGGAAIN. SO he wanted me more availalbe and then tonight I was, tried to call him and I think he si doing tha tthing like he used to do when we were dating when he tried to "show me" like "ill show here, I wont be avail and see how she likes it" kind of thing. Maybe not, I dunno, but I wouldnt put it past him.

Ok, so now I feel like I jsut spewed. Uh I think I will go back and post a warning on the top so if anyone reads this they know before hand. I apologize. Can you tell I am frustrated? Uh yeah. What gave it away.

(HEY I jsut realized thae note of sarcasm was in my book Crucial Conversations as a Style Under Stress. I guess I actually do that even though I thought I didnt. Whoa. Lessons Learned.

Ok, I'm all spent. No more left of me. gnite. I will try and be better at my updates and also try to be more positive.

Thanks for reading anyway if you read the precursor and warning and kept reading anyway. Either you had nothing better to do, feel the same way, or are a true friend. Either way... Thanks.

Way back home

Friends so far.

I hate that my friends are all so far away. The good news is that my mom is currently on her way back to Iowa where I am at. I jsut foundout that she will be here for awhile at least until October. That is good news for me becuase I really have needed someone here. I know some people have a problem with my mom but all in all she is still my mom. I love her to death and I respect her. I don't always agree with what she says but I value her thoughts.

I will be spending the night with her tonight once she is back. I am looking forward to being with my mom. I am sick. I don't feel well. My stress level is too high. I have to deal with spouse, kid, parents, friends, more and more. I think it jsut broke down and my body said ENOUGH and I got sick.

It doesn't matter whether there are people here or not, I sitll feel alone. I feel weak. I am not strong like I have been. It is a lot to bear and I alwys have to bear it. It is hard. It is not like me to be this way.

I am very glad my mom is on her way back home.

Never so alone

I would like to say that I have never felt so alone but I can't. Unfortunately I have felt so alone but that moment on Sunday was the worst I have really felt in a long while. My son has told me more things that he had done wrong and the problems he is having. Itried to be supportive but ended up telling him that we had to talk about it later. I couldn't bear it anymore. I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't be strong and I felt that I had let him down not being able to be there for him. But a mom jsut isn't equipped to deal with all of this.

Scott is gone travelling, my mom is far away RVing, my friends all live out of state and I have no one. I left the school and drove away. As I got on the interstate I started to cry but ended up crying so much that I had to pull over. I sobbed uncontrollably and my heart ached with a burning I haven't felt in awhile.

I hate feeling this way but it happens a lot in my life so unfortunately I have become used to it. How sad is that? I have become used to feeling sad, used to feeling alone, used to dealing with trial after trial, issues after issue, and so on.

My life is so hard and always has been. Now my kids are going through issues and having a ahrd life as well. What do I do for their pain, thier heartache their trial?

The pain that I bear and the loneliness I feel is real and substantial. It is here.

Lonliness consumes me.

Overwhelmed

I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. I am back at work again and again spouse does not have an assignment again. I got one before one week was over. Of course he is working on the websites again. I want him to but I don't mean to soak up the whole day doing nothing but web. He needs to be balanced in all things. I need him to do more than he is doing but he never can. I feel so frustrated and then he says stupid things to me like" I can't beleive how well you are holding up" HELLo what choice so I have? Who is going to be the breadwinner? Who is going to handle the bills? Who is going to tend to the kids? I don't really have a choice in my mind. I can't pull the covers over my head and not do anything. It is not like that would move him to do SOMETHING.

He says he can't do it and he is so overwhelmed and can't handle it all.

I have issues with my kids
Issues with his kid
I need to be in Iowa
I want to be in California
A new job with new challenges
Status meetings with our bookeeper
My mother is travelling aorund the globe and not here where I need her
why don't we add jumping through hoops of flame while we are at it and by the way honey he adds can you jsut...blah blah blah for me?
No I can't.

Can you actually do something in our life?
Can you take care or ME for a change?
CAn you be an active participant in your OWN life? Geez.

Then my friends are all aloof lately and it is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I cam going to burst and explode but then I have to hold it together because I can't do that. Who would comfort me? Me? N. instead I sit in the shower crying my eyes out, then we he comes in I act like all is well because he can't handle it if I break down even for a minute.

I broke down a month or so ago. I had jsut found out more horrible news about my son and what is his method of handling this and being supportive...he lied in bed all day and wasn't feeling well. he thought he was coming down with something. Oh poor baby. I feel for you.

But then, even though I did talk to my other friends abotu the problem and shared my thoughts and feelings, did they pull through? No. Again I dealt with on my own. What does all this make me think?

Do I ask too much? Do I expect too much out of others? I guess so. All I wanted was an email saying hey there, I feel for you, I may not understand but I am your friend and I love you and I care. I guess that is way too much to ask. Even the closest people to me can't even give me that.

Anyway, maybe I am jsut blogging out my frustrations because I am stressed today. Sorry to explode. Not that anyone is listening. But it was nice to get it out.

BACK IN THE USSR

Yeah, well I wish. That would be heaven to here I think. Iowa is so weird. Well I started my new assignment today with WBCBS. I think it went well. I am tired so going to bed, but jsut wanted to say hey.


"HEY"

ok goodnite

Spring Break

Trying to recover from all the chaos for SB. The pool has been broken, but I got a chance to hang out there today. I have been so busy working on marketing material for the sites and trying to do recruting for our company, it is jsut so busy. Cali is faster pace and I there is so much to do. But more so on top of all with everything going on with my son, I don't even feel like going back to Iowa right now. It all seems so futile and pointless. But I know I have to for my son. I have to be there for him. I have to support him and give it all a chance. But if they give him back to my ex I am leaving and going back to Cali. And I guess I will jsut have to wait until he is 18 or 16 and it ahppens on its own. I am through palying these mindless games where I never win, my kids never win, they suffer in a non existent society that only exists back in time. It is so frustating.

I feel like crying half the time, but can't because I have to hold myself together for ym family, my spouse who is out of a contract again, my compnay that I am in charge of and have to do all the work or it falls apart, and finances to survive. I have to keep it together because I do and those who know me know I do...

I sat in the bathroom crying before I left Iowa for Spring Break and I totally lost it once I was here alone. It is jsut so hard at times and I jsut have to cry. So spring Break is here, Scott is here part of the time and sometimes he jsut makes it worse. We se my folks tomorrow and he is leaving Sat or Sun and driving back to Iowa. I have a new assignment when I get back and he has nothing...like always.

I want to make the most out of this and I think I am doing the best I can and better than most. So SB is here, Cali is great and I think it was well needed and well used.

Selfless or Selfish

Why do people think are they being selfish when they are trying to be ahppy and do things for themselves. It appears to me that usually the people who say this are mostly "selfless" and do so much for other people that they lose out most of the time. I was one of those persons for years and finally became aware of thi things in life I was missing and took a stand.

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you are complaining because someone does not treat you well, then it is your own fault. If you are not getting what you need, speak up or shut up.

Also, why is it everyone else deserves the best of you but you? If you don't take care of yourself then how are you really expected to take care of others? If you don't make yourself happy, how can you make others happy? am I wrong to think that I have a rigt to be happy? Don't I deserve to be treated fairly, deserve to be happy, deserve to have things on my life? I think so.

But hey...do that and people tell you that you are being selfish. Do I think that self perservation can go over the top? Sure it can. I whole-heartedly agree. Some people take it to the extreme. I am merely talking about the simplicity of tending to one's own self once in awhile and allowing yourself happiness.

My opinion: Those who think they are being SELFISH are usually the ones who need to be a little bit more. The ones who think they are being SELFLESS are the one's who need to be more that way as well. The people who are a little of both are well balanced.

Let it Snow Let it snow

Well, we arrived back on Sunday night and Monday morning awoke to snow. It has been sprinkling snow off and on for the past few days but nothing really. Now it is Saturday and tonight we are supposed to receive more snow after midnight into Sunday. I guesswinter is now upon us. I don't mind it somuch and liek tha now. It is pretty but when I step outside and it feels arctic that's whenI mind.

I did take some pics and I will try tp get them up on the site for you. Nothing like my friends inother places have so I really shouldn't say anything. I even changed my Avatar up above to a Snow Pat if you didn't notice. She even looks like me lately. Black coat, long scarf (cept mine is pink of course) and a hat. Too cute if I do say so myself! ;)

So wedding is over... THANK GOODNESS. Now on to bigger and better things. WORK. Oh how fun. We are still workingonthe websites and actually jsut hired our first employee an Accountant. Well the weather loks yucky out there andI'm hungry so I think I hear some Maple and Brown sugar oatmeal calling me. laters!

AUUUGH no more wedding things please

This wedding thing is tiring I will tell you. Whew. I am still calling people and emailing and tracking down phone numbers for people I don't have emails to. Then call and make sure my family knows they are personally invited. Then track down old friends who have not called me in awhile, but I know A)they would feel upset if they weren't invited and b) they woudl feel bad if they didn't answer so I keep bothering. ok, well we finally get to talk to two of them. One family says yes most liekly one says sorry...travelling.

Now I cross people off. Go over what we still need. Discuss purchases and gift cards and more.

Discuss discuss and more talking and arranging. ARGH!!

I have no phone numbers or address and emails for my son in law's family. How do I involve them and make them feel a part of this when I have no way to reach them. sigh. I need to call my future son in law and get some of thee numbers. I need to do my part as "the mom" even though I am the wicked stepmother to her. I have a big ugly wart (insible you see) to her. But someday...maybe someday she will be thankful...maybe she will be happy about my part...maybe she will want me there with her...in the bridal room...but probably not...JSUT her mother! More than likely.

Sigh....another day in wedding planning

Day in the life of a blond

1. Got up late (not normal)
2. Ran around having a closet day (This is when you stand in front of all your clothes and decide you have nothing to wear)
3. Didn't eat and got to work hungry
4. Busy the minute I hit the door
5. Got my conference calls mixed up and almost called the wrong person
6. Busy all day and almost forgot to eat lunch
7. Didn't want to leave the office so mulled around my desk for what I had
8. What does a Blond eat that she finds in her drawer? Oatmeal and hot coco...mmm nutritious
9. Swamped for the rest of the day then 5 :30 showed up
10. what the heck happened to the day?
11. I guess to a blond the hours vanish or something.
12. Went to Target
13. Got a cart and almsot ran into the security guard
14. Walked ten feet and found out why =Blond CArt I guess.
15. Ok now u ask...what is a blond cart??
16. A Blond cart is a cart that leans sideways when you try to turn it and always goes the way you don't want it to.
17. Yep...blond cart
18. kept having to veer cart the direction I wanted it to go
19. Now what is funnier than a blond trying to steer a crooked cart? not much else
20. Rest of the evening....busy until midnight
21. then blog
22. Then relax and go to sleep

The Parental Wedding Blues

Hail to all the moms and das out there who have gone through a daughter or child getting married and you are the one responsible. Of course our daughter wants TWO receptions mind you because they moved their date up. So WE are paying and tending to the one in January and She and her mom are paying for the one in June. Ours is at the cultural hall acorss from the temple, no building fees only cleanup and close down tables and chairs and put them away.

But everything else we are doing. It is 16 days to be exact before they get married and have this reception and nothing is done. I guess they were jsut hanging on waiting for us to pay...I dont know. But we have been back in Cali for 4 days and we have done these steps to planning a wedding short term...

Gelsons (or fine shopping market) 2 6 foot long multi meat subs, fruit salad, pasta salad, cheeses nibblers (squares), and veggie tray with dips= $600
Mac makeup store everything (eyeshadow, lip stuff, face wash and wipes, and more)=$300
Smart and final for cake plates, food plates, silverware and extra forks for cake, plastic flutes for sparkling cider, trays, serving spoons, etc=$150
Tall Mouse for tulle and ribbons and bridal shower gift plus scrapbook materials for making a guest book (they didnt have)=$125
Arranged for nails-French manicure, Deluxe pedicure, full arms and leg waxing=$150
Oh AND bought groceries for the bachelor for the new home so he didn't feel left out=$100 (I will say we gave him $100 budget and he stuck to it well)

I have arranged servers and water pitchers, decorators and people to set up and tear down chairs, plus handleda ll of this so far. WE still have to go to the florist and get flowers and still go to costco right before to get rasberries for the glasses and martinellis cider. We still need napkins and mints, but then I think we jsut might make it. I am keeping every recepit so they can never say "You didn't help or help pay..." and as I sit here typing that...I think dear lord I have become my mother.

Thank you...and good night.

Frustrations

Why is it that whenever guys get in thei "fic it" kind fo mode they become the biggest jerks of all. I swear every guy I know gets into what I call "mechanic mode" when trying to fix a car, downlaod something online, adjsut something on a computer or anything else like that. It drive me completely insane. Did you guys forget your brains? Did you forget to be nice to another human being? I guess respect, concern for another and kindness go out the window when this mode comes upon you. (GEEZ)

He drives me nuts. I get that he is trying to fix my computer and that we were talking on the phone to Verizon. but he is the one who told emt o call. Now if he talks over me and I have to ask the woman 4 times to repeat herself I guess I might jsut start getting a little annoyed at this huh? So I asked him to stop and I put the woman on speaker. Then he starts arguing with her about the bill. Uh hello she is not billing she is Broadband, if you want to talk to billing then ask. Oh no...that would be too simple. Actually ASK for help...heavens no. Now why would eh go and doa thing like that. Goodness. Are all men incapable of asking forhelp or directions? Does every man open the box and jsut start putting something together without ever finind g out how? Do you go to school to learn how to do these things to us women and rive us MAD!!!!???

So I couldn't take it anymore. I set the phone in front of him, slammed the door and walked out to the pool buisness center where I am banging out my frustrations. I could scream right now. These are the times when I think I can't handle it anymore. these small little moments that drive me mad.

I look over at him and he is sitting around in his oh so unattratcive underwear with his belly largely hanging over and he is being an ass. well, if the visual wasn't bad enough the attitude sure puts a damper on things.

I was singing this morning to some church music and thinking about things in my life. Changes I desire. things I want to do, things I want to solve and I was thinking so hard about doing everything I could to make it work. But then not a ahlf hour later he shows his true colors and I can't stand him again. Is this what wedded bliss is supposed to be? Plus I have spent 9 years listening to him snore louder and louder the fatter and fatter he gets!! How much more can I take of this?

I shake my head wondering...wondering what it is that will make me blow...because I know...I jsut know...it is going to be something stupid liek this where I jsut can't take it anymore.

Sobbing

I sat there...water dripping over me and just stared. Then I started to cry and then I really sobbed and let it out. I buried my head into my knees to sob into them so he couldnt hear me. I jsut wanted to be by myself. I felt alone when he is near me anyway so why should I get him involved? The email from the school was the straw that broke the camels back I guess. Not getting paid, dealing with vendors, issues at work, now being micro managed, and then...the school.

It all seems so frustrating at times. I feel as if I am being swallowed whole by the earth like quicksand and I am reaching my arms out for anyone to take my hand and pull me out as they walk by but no one sees me. The step over me, they walk around me, or some of them even stepped right one me! As I start hollering for help thinking this will acquire more attention they then put in earplugs, turn on mp3 players or jsut squint their faces and walk faster as if the quicker the go the quieter I will get.

I am thinking about all of this while I am sitting there...on the floor of the bathtub, with the shower water on me. My hair is wrangly, but skin is pruning, and my legs itch now from the shower water hitting my knees with no soap, but I don't care.

I sob more and more...I sob for missing my mom...I sob for the continual trials I am always faced with licing this life...I sob for my children-that no one seems to hear them or care about thier misery and when I try to I get shot down like the email I received...I sob for my work and being told to be a go getter and head strong but then when I do I end up pissing someone off and then I get micro managed...I sob for my financial issue with paychecks...I sob for always having to be the one to deal with all that crap and why can't he ever step up to the plate and be a mna and handle things...I sob for thoughts of misery and unhappiness....I sob for thoughts that perhaps being single maybe wouldn't be better it would be harder but if the lights get turned off, or the car doesnt get paid, or the rent is late, or or or...then it would be MY fault not his not anyones but my own...I sob to think that maybe it would be better....I sob for misery of feeling mistreated emotionally and feeling that he doesnt desire to treat me better as he seems to see nothing wrong with throwing money down ont he table when he leaves or me having to ask him for money all the time or having him TELL me what to say or do...no of course he doesnt see all this is a bad thing...but I do...I tell him..but he is deaf to my words...I sob for this and more...but most of all...I sob for my life...I sob for my lonliness...and I sob for missing my friends....Ineed a hug right now.

He comes in and ses I am upset and then says he worries. He rubs my back. Oh yeah that makes it all better...RIGHT. How about doingthings right in your life...how about fixing yourself so you are not a slob...how about taking responsibilty for your home...for your work...for your OWNlife and let me live mine and think and act for myself...How about taking care of your family...consistenly...stable...secure...how about it?

I stare at the water draining ina circle around the ring of the tub....It does not even fathom me that he is rubbing myback...it means nothing to me...I dont care anymore...is it too late to care...I dont know...but I can't sit here anymore and do this....I talk for a bit because he persistenly asks...but then gather myself (so he'll go) and shut off the shower, dry off and get into cozies.

I go to bed and crash. The next morning I was almsot an hour late to work...Gee I wonder why...

New Avatar

I found out you can add your Yahoo Avatar to your blog. I am a dork and think this is kewl. I did have a cowgirl on my yahoo, but I always like to make my Avatar fancy for the Holidays.

I was talking to A on the phone. Unfortuantely right before I called him I had a message from P his dad. P, gee that is a good initial becausse he is no better than pee. Anyway, I digress. I know I shouldn't think that way but the man annoys me. He is all freaked out because I won't call him and he needs to know my location and he needs to know if I am taking A or not and blah blah blah. It is just driving him insane that I won't call him and he can't control me. He irks me so much.

So I was talking to Alex and he and I were talking about magic cards and video games. He confirmed that I would not be seeing him for the holidays and then moved on. Then after about 20 minutes he tells me how much he has missed this fun mom who isn't so serious all the time. He said he liked this mom better. What do you say to that? Well, I told him that was fine but he needed to grow up and be serious and have serious conversation once in awhile. He said "uh huh" and that was it.

Then he began playing his game for awhile and became disinterested in talking to me. I asked if he wanted to talkt o S and he said yes so they talked for a bit. Then he played his game again so S got off the phone with him too. While he was playing his game I started building my avatar.

I said Good bye and our Friends forver thing and that I lvoed him. He repeated it but it sounded repeated and not real. How do you get a long with your kid when all you want to do is scream when you talk to them. I wonder oft times what our lives will be like when I am not "scheduled" to talk to them anymore? Will they call me? Will they still say "Friends Forever, love you"? Will they mean it? Do they mean it now?

SIGH. Beinga mom is hard. Being a mom, from a divorce, dealing with a crazy EX, who won't let you see your kid when you are only 60 miles not 1700 is murder. Plus the fact that the 17 year old kid won't stand up for you but everything and anything else he wants in life.

SIGH. All i can do is SIGH. Well, at least My Avatar is happy and looks pretty.

Eating Alone

I got up today and thought I would try and do something nice. He has been so worried about everything and sressed out and I thougt making breakfast would be a good thing and perhaps we could spend sometime together.

I made breakfast and had it onthe table and he told me he had to finish his game first. So I sat there....and ate....alone...in silence. The only thing you could hear was the Christams music I had on in the background. I finished, left the table alone while he compelted his game. Once he was done and had died in his game, I think I had died inside.

I told him yesterday he needed to take an acitve part in our marriage. I know he heard me..but see he doesn't listen. he doesn't want to hear what HE needs to do, only what "I" need to do.

Having me eat by myself after I made him breakfast doesn't seem like an active part to me.

What do I know though right?

How can I feel so alone when someone is inthe same room with me?

This life of mine

The life you envision may not always be the life you end up with. SO what do you do whenthis is the case? How do you be happy when your marriage is failing, your children are not in your home, one of your children does nto desire you in thier life? What then? What do you do when your sposue wants to do nothing but blame you to make your life better? Do you have another failed marriage? Do you fight harder or give in eventually and throw up your arms and say...I'm done. I give. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I know I;m not happy.I know this isn't the life I want. I know I'm tired of strugling so much. I know I miss my mom and now is like thae crappiest time for her to be gone. If I ever needed my mom in all my life, I give up all the years I wanted her there and forgive all the other years she wasn't for this year. But as spolied brat as I am I can't do that to her. I know if I asked them to come back they would, but they deserve a life as well. They have waitied all thier life for this retirement. Plus I need to be mature here and I am being mature. I will suffer silently. I will be miserable. I will be unhappy. I will fight for something that only one side wants to do to change it. I will smile sweetly and ac like it is alright when it is not.

I hate this life. I want a real life. I want to stop struggling. I want to stop crying over children I can nver have or never are going to want me in thier life. I want to have bills paid on time and have a real roof over my head. I want a house and a car that I can call my own. I want a job and a career and to be honored and respected. I want to be treated like a human being and not a child. I want to have money inmy own bank account that is mine and no one else. I want to not have to askk for money or be thrown money down before he goes away and feels me like a prostitute without the benefits.

The song from Dolly Parton "Hard Candy Christmas" is on and I can't help but feel it in my bones. As I sit here and type in my journal, a tear fall from my cheeks and I silently sob so he won't hear me behind me as he plays his computer game.

"I'll be fine and dandy
lord its like a hard candy christmas
Im barely gettingthrough tomorrow
but still I wont let sorrow bring me way down"

I wish my father were still alive. I need him. I need a friend right now. I need someone here to hold me and truly care about me and help me through this. All my old friends are in a such a different place than I am now so I don't waste the time to contact them. My other friends are in other places across the globe. I feel that they are tired of hearing about my dramatic life anyway. I don't mean it to be it just is.

What do I do with this life? Where do I go from here? My tear stained pillows are my only comfort through this mess. My aching heart of agony and frustration has had it's due. I am done. He cries in front of me and there is nothing left of me to feel for him anymore. My heart is frozen as a lake on Christmas Day. But even more than that, the boys, my family, the bills, it all gets to be too much at times.

I want to be happy. I jsut want to be happy.I want to be respected. I want to feel loved. I want to feel...

My Life

My life
Is not my life
My words
are not my words
My actions
are someone else
whatever I say
I have to control
Whatever I do
is faced with consequence
the price to pay
is always too high
When I have my life back?

5 weeks

Well, We have been here for 5 weeks now and I already have had to deal with the demise of my ex. he is such a jerk to everyone. I can't beleive people ever believe inhim. Work is good and I like it ok, but I am dissapointed because it isn't what I thought it would be. The good news is I can pretty much make it my role. My mom is still gone and traveling for the first time all around and I hope she is having fun. I miss her, but I knoew she will be home soon. The wedding is coming up and I will be so glad when it is over. Planning a wedding that isn't yours isn't any fun. All I get to do is pay for it and that sucks. Also the apartment will be done in January and that will save us on some money which will be so nice. I really want to save money right now.

Things ar eup and down inmy life and I actually am not that happy. I wish things were better, but they aren't. I am mustering to get by and putting on a pretty face. Somedays are better than others. I know life is what you make it, but I only beleive that to be tru to a certain extent. I don't know how I feel about my religion either. I feel like every religion has it;s problems so I can't think anyone is perfect. I know this.

I would liek the world to slow down and let me off for awhile. But now I am back to reality and know that won't happen...

Maybe back in Iowa

Well, it's true. tehre is a high likely we may be going back to Iowa. I don't know that I want to, but there seems to be this pull for jobs and contracts in the area. Nate needs me and perhaps it would show to WW how much I care that I get work close by. Maybe DHS will see a change in me and give me a chance.

Then again, perhaps I am not meant to go back and will obtain one of these other jobs here in California. I have learned though you have to be careful what you ask for. I always thought I wanted to work for F Corp but now I am here and I am bored stiff.

The other job is for FA and I am afraid it will turn out like this one. I always wanted to work there, but perhpas it isn't what it is cracked up to be.

Well, we will see what goes, what gives etc.

Until then, here's waiting!