July 4th, 2020 my father Lewis Berg left this earthly plane and turned in his life for angel wings. His death was not COVID related in any way but it did have to do with his lungs. He was diagnosed with Lung Cancer years ago but because of his emphysema, black lung, and COPD, they were not able to biopsy cancer only watch it. It never grew in size luckily but as he got older, it because more and more difficult for him to breathe.
A few weeks ago my mother called me about his health and I got on the phone and reached out to him, yearning for him to go to the ER and call 911. Being the stubborn Norwegian man he was, he had no desire to do that. He was tired. He was tired of fighting for air. He was tired of fighting for his life. He was tired of doing breathing exercises. He was tired of nurses and EMTs and doctors coming in and out.
He was just tired.
He mentioned to me often how he longed for his freedom.
He finally got it.
He was a military veteran and I find it fitting that he left this earth on a day about freedom, the 4th of July.
For me, he was the only dad I ever knew.
My biological father, Art passed away as a janitor from a scaffolding accident putting up a high school scoreboard in 1980. I was at the age of ten. I did not grieve until I was the age of 13. It never felt real until one Thanksgiving in 1983. His birthday was around thanksgiving and he passed away on December 7th. Every time about that time of year, I become sad and sullen, even if I don't mean to. It's like my brain and my body never forgot.
Now I wonder, will I always remember the 4th of July in the same way about him?
More than likely, yes.
I will miss him.
But in my heart I know he is not suffering.
He is finally free.
Fly home dad.
They are ready for you.
Your brother, your family, your heritage.
Fly on dad...fly on...home.
Monday, July 06, 2020
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Documentaries, Interviews, and Guest blogs
These past few weeks have filled many of my days when I am not mask making.
A few weeks ago I was asked to be in a documentary about mask heroes.
The first video did not take.
Then I had to do it again.
then she said it was not the right format.
So I had to make another video with my mask on so she could have the editing match up.
Then I was asked to on a podcast.
that kept getting rescheduled.
Then we finally did it and they said it would be a week or so and it would be posted, that was 3 months ago.
Now I hear next week.
Then I was asked to write an article on being a hero.
That took a whole day's time.
Then I was asked to a guest on another podcast.
That took a day.
Then today I had to fill out a hoard of questions for an email interview.
While all of these things are great and I am happy to be asked, never underestimate the time it takes for these things.
Time is a commodity that is valuable to me. I just hope all this information and interviews I am putting out there is valuable to others as well. :)
Saturday, June 27, 2020
Life in the Time of Covid aka the Pandemic of 2020-July
This year has been a wild ride.
I had hoped to write in my journal more about what this year has been like and go on, but then my life became like a whirlwind and life got away from me.
In January of this year, I woke with a start and immediately thought" This place isn't big enough for us. My hunepants were always sleeping on the couch and I felt like we were on top of each other all the time. At 3 am in the morning I looked at our apartment website online and found an apartment in the complex that looked perfect for us.
The next morning promptly at 9am when they open, I went to the leasing office and said I wanted to look at that apartment. Later that day, I had my hunepants look ad we both agreed it was much better for us.
In late January, we left an 825 sq foot apartment and moved int a 1200 sq ft apartment.
In February, Covid hit.
Divine intervention anyone? I think so.
In March, Hunepants started working from home and is still to this day.
In the beginning, I thought and felt I could help people by getting online, sharing videos guiding and encouraging others on how to overcome obstacles and ways of mindfulness that could help them.
I realized that all the prep I had been doing on my Workshop "Create a Life You Fall in Love with" and my "Legacy of Love" project were for this divine time in our lives.
I felt that I knew my purpose after I had beat cancer twice and the last one barely as I only had a 14% chance of surviving, yet, here I am.
How can one NOT think they were saved for a purpose in this life, after beating odds like those?
I knew I was saved for this. I knew all that I had been through was for this. I knew i my heart and gut and every fiber of my being that as a lightworker, healer and Starseed, that this is when I needed to step up to help and what I was called for... to help others, to be a good human, be a starfish saver and to Leave a Legacy of the world.
I struggled like most, in the beginning, finding my footing, where can I best help, where can I do the most for others.
Then one day, I was meditating and I shot up like a bolt!
"YOU MUST MAKE MASKS!" I heard and felt.
I said to myself "But I haven't touched a sewing machine since I got cancer. I had issues, I couldn't' remember how to sew, I don't know if I can."
"YOU MUST MAKE MASKS"
I felt it again. I got up and said to myself, "Ok, I guess I am going to make masks"
Cancer gave me chemo brain so I forgot a lot. It was frustrating, like starting over, learning how to sew, remembering stitches, tensions, seam allowances and so many things to remember. I joined Mask Making groups and tried different sewing patterns. My first masks were masks, but compared to how I am making them now, I feel bad to those who got them from me in the beginning. I know they were supporting my efforts and those who requested them from me were mostly friends and family.
Eventually, I got better, like I said, and now my masks are streamlined to an efficiency process.
One day I posted on NextDoor and the next morning I woke to 300 requests. That happened on a weekly basis. I called out to my NextDoor family and said "HELP!!" and they all came and helped. People donated fabric, elastic, thread, needles, cutter blades, leggings, sheets, clothes, and anything to help me fulfill their requests. A few people because cutting helpers for me and a small few even did some sewing for me and donated the masks they made back to me to give away.
You see, I did not sell one mask.
All my masks were "FREE donations accepted not required."
I wanted any who wanted a mask to have one and I still do.
I shipped out a few in the beginning, then asked for all to come to pick them up from my socially distanced porch.
Three ladies eventually stood out.
Alicia Ventura, Kathy Doyle, and Gina Mueller.
Alicia became my fabric cutter, Gina and Kathy did serging and sewing with me.
Together, with the help of my community, we have made over 3000 masks!! Yep, you read that correctly! Three thousand
That is why I have not been on here sharing about my days.
My days have been filled beyond capacity!
Mask requests are slowing down and I have started doing things a bit differently again.
I came up with an idea to make Cape/Mask combos to encourage kids to wear their masks. they have been a hit! One company Super Chefs Lousiville, KY commissioned me to make them for their stores, so now I am busy with that task.
I have tried to keep up with my Toastmasters duties, President on one club DTC Speaks, my year is now over. I am a member of a few other clubs and will continue those efforts.
I have accepted the offer to be Public Relations Manager for District 26 Toastmasters again.
My "reign" starts July 1, 2020, and will go to June 30, 2021
I am excited to be in this role again and to help our district through these times. 30 plus years in Social Medi and WEb Strategy will come in handy during these times.
My hunepants and I have a home routine as many do. work from home, go for a walk, get out and now that things have opened up, every now and then, go grab pick up and have a picnic or sit on a patio of a local restaurant.
I sew daily for others and in between hop on Zoom calls for Toastmasters.
I now am revamping my fashion business and bringing it back to life and have a graphic designer pal redesigning my logo and I just hired a summer intern to help me with some web and social media updates to my site and shopping site.
This next month I will be Pet sitting my friend's kitten who is a bit bigger now and not so Tiny and I can't wait since she hasn't been here in my home since she was a Tiny baby kitty.
I am looking forward to the rest of the year.
Who knows what will happen during these times of Covid!
Xo Trixie
Village Hero: Trixie Hunter-Merrill
Today I was named Village Hero in Greenwood Village, Co for my Mask Making Efforts.
This year has been a wild ride.
I will share more about that in another post but for today, a share in my accomplishment for the past few months.
This year has been a wild ride.
I will share more about that in another post but for today, a share in my accomplishment for the past few months.
* VILLAGE HERO *
Congratulations to Trixie Hunter-Merrill for being named a Village Hero!
Characterized as a Crusader for Humanity, Trixie led the making of over 3,000 masks during the pandemic. A cancer survivor twice, Trixie did not hesitate to lend a helping hand in the community. She started making masks by cutting up sheets, using aprons from her previous fashion business while learning about which filters and elastic to use. She made the masks affordable for people by giving them away or accepting donations.
One day, she created a form on Next Door and received over 300 requests for masks. Neighbors in Greenwood Village observed that Trixie needed assistance so they quickly donated fabric, elastic, needles, thread, yarn, T-shirts to make yarn, ear savers, and some even brought food or gift cards. These neighbors included Alicia Ventura, Gina Mueller, and Kathy Doyle.
Trixie is also credited with making cape and mask combos for kids to encourage the wearing of masks and created a Mask Makers Group on Next Door supporting other mask makers in the community with advice, thread, and fabric.
find more at City of Greenwood Village Facebook page
Tuesday, June 09, 2020
No man is free until all lives are free.
No man is free until all lives are free.
There's been a lot of talk about black lives matter and as a community, we are starting to do solidarity walks and protesting, posting signs, and doing what we can as a community to join the cause.
Yesterday, I saw quite a debate between neighbors on Nextdoor and I wanted to share this resource I received from DragonTree, a local Colorado business in Boulder. This is from Peter Borten, one of the owners, and I felt it was very helpful for other non-black lives to understand and utilize.
He says,
"I’m not an expert on racism, so I’m sharing this amazing list of resources (mostly for White people) – books, podcasts, videos, and articles by people who have made this their life’s work. Learn what they have to teach and amplify their voices. (see the full article on The Dragontree Blog for link)
What I do know is a holistic healing and by applying these principles to our disease, I believe we truly shall overcome.
1. Be humble. Resist the impulse to believe you already know, and listen to others’ experiences.
2. Dedicate yourself to learning the truth. Go to multiple sources – not just the first one that confirms what you already believed.
3. Broaden your perspective. Let your vision include as many factors as you can hold space for. This means also acknowledging what’s been kept hidden in the shadows, and the parts of yourself that you’ve denied.
4. Forgive. Forgiveness is healing. I’m not saying your feelings are wrong. I’m not saying you aren’t entitled to feel angry, sad, victimized, or anything else. I’m not putting a timeline on it. I’m only saying that at some point, a complete healing process – and true freedom – entails releasing our grievances.
Please share your experience. We all learn from this conversation."
No man is free until all lives are free. There's been a lot of talk about black lives matter and as a community we are starting to do solidarity walks and protesting, posting signs, and doing what we can as a community to join the cause.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Time for a Breath
Today I took time to breathe today.
I stopped making Masks early and lied down on the bed and rested with my back on a heating pad listening to my Governor as he told us about recent updates.
I take an edible and grab my vape pen with Indica in it and THC and take a few puffs.
I stretch out my body and tilt my head to listen to the governor to speak his words.
I could feel myself drifting off once in a while and coming back to reality... a reality that is like no other I've ever known in my life and I've been through some pretty hard shit but this is so different.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream or I'm in a movie like I'm in an episode of Star Trek, twilight zone, or something from an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
It's a great story but you think no way could that really happen but it did and it is and this is no dream and this is no nightmare it just is what it is.
It's a storm just like every other storm.
It's hard in the beginning then you eventually realize you're in the middle and maybe have hope and start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and if you can't see it the best thing to do is to become the light for others.
Be brave enough to guide others through face your fears and help others face theirs.
Be the leader of the pack if you need to and let others grab onto your coattails feeling safer behind you if need be.
It's okay, you cannot always be the follower it's okay to not always be the leader.
Sometimes the crisis calls for a leader and my mother raised me the stand up for what's right to help those in need and less fortunate than me and to always have hope for the future and if you can't have hope be the hope for someone else.
I stopped making Masks early and lied down on the bed and rested with my back on a heating pad listening to my Governor as he told us about recent updates.
I take an edible and grab my vape pen with Indica in it and THC and take a few puffs.
I stretch out my body and tilt my head to listen to the governor to speak his words.
I could feel myself drifting off once in a while and coming back to reality... a reality that is like no other I've ever known in my life and I've been through some pretty hard shit but this is so different.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream or I'm in a movie like I'm in an episode of Star Trek, twilight zone, or something from an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
It's a great story but you think no way could that really happen but it did and it is and this is no dream and this is no nightmare it just is what it is.
It's a storm just like every other storm.
It's hard in the beginning then you eventually realize you're in the middle and maybe have hope and start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and if you can't see it the best thing to do is to become the light for others.
Be brave enough to guide others through face your fears and help others face theirs.
Be the leader of the pack if you need to and let others grab onto your coattails feeling safer behind you if need be.
It's okay, you cannot always be the follower it's okay to not always be the leader.
Sometimes the crisis calls for a leader and my mother raised me the stand up for what's right to help those in need and less fortunate than me and to always have hope for the future and if you can't have hope be the hope for someone else.
However, always reminding yourself that you can't fill a well from an empty cup and if you fall apart you can't help others if you're the one who needs help
Take time to take a breath you deserve it
Trixie
Trixie
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Covid Journaling
Many people have suggested that during these times, especially that we journal or write things down and I have been going so hard and fast sewing masks and doing videos and FB lives and such that I forgot.
Tonight, when I was finally at my wit's end of frustration and started to breathe again, I pulled out the laptop and started typing my thoughts. It felt good.
I forget about this outlet, this blog so many times lately.
I really think I need to get back to it, esp now while all of us are going through so much right now.
I know I have followers who read my blog and some know me and some don't but I think you wouldn't be following me unless we connect somehow. Something I said, hit a note and you clicked follow.
I take that to mean that If I am feeling something or going through something, you might be too. If not, you might have empathy for another person going through something and see your life differently.
This blog is my outlet, but I share it with the world.
We will get through the Covid crisis together and maybe reading each other's blogs again will help us go back to a time when we used to do blog hops and instead of sitting in front of FB reading garbage, maybe we will read each other's copvid journaling and find a common ground.
Tonight, when I was finally at my wit's end of frustration and started to breathe again, I pulled out the laptop and started typing my thoughts. It felt good.
I forget about this outlet, this blog so many times lately.
I really think I need to get back to it, esp now while all of us are going through so much right now.
I know I have followers who read my blog and some know me and some don't but I think you wouldn't be following me unless we connect somehow. Something I said, hit a note and you clicked follow.
I take that to mean that If I am feeling something or going through something, you might be too. If not, you might have empathy for another person going through something and see your life differently.
This blog is my outlet, but I share it with the world.
We will get through the Covid crisis together and maybe reading each other's blogs again will help us go back to a time when we used to do blog hops and instead of sitting in front of FB reading garbage, maybe we will read each other's copvid journaling and find a common ground.
Saving the world is a bit overwhelming
That was an interesting last 20 minutes of my life, crying in my closet, all the lights off, listening to music, just balling. Looking back I shake my head in wonder and ask myself, "What was that all about?"
One thing kind of made me crack tonight.
For the third time this week, someone said to me "You are making me feel bad."
First, let me say I hate that saying because no one can MAKE you feel bad. You feel bad because something the person is saying to you triggered something in you that you feel bad about. That person did NOT make you feel bad.
Second, it was that final piece you add to the house of cards that makes it all come tumbling down.
Let me explain,
As of this weekend, I have now made over 1000 handsewn masks for my local community.
I was able to do that because of my new community of friends I have made on NEXTDOOR.
I am tired, I am worn, I am doing all I can to help the community. I might be a little on edge and I might not always say things correctly.
That does not mean I MADE someone feel bad.
I don't want people to feel bad for things I say but I do realize I can't control how they take it.
The overwhelm came from a simple waffle I was looking forward to eating, in my opinion, getting ruined because it was no longer crispy it was now soggy. I said something about how it was put away and why it was soggy and how sad I was that I felt it was ruined. Of course, the person, who was trying to be helpful by putting them away now feels bad and it's my fault.
The thing is, I know from experience, it really had nothing to do with te waffle.
It had to do with the fact that in our current situation, staying at home, not getting many pleasures, we find pleasures in the little things, and that was a pleasure I was looking forward to after working so hard lately. When it wasn't right, I was disappointed.
I never feel like I am allowed to say that though. The minute I say I am disappointed someone tells me I made them feel bad,
Why am I not allowed to express myself! GRR. So frustrating.
So, I think, after a long MONTH of sewing so many masks, and in this week had to deal with a broken serger, a backlog of orders I had to use critical thinking to figure out how to leverage my new NextDoor friends who have been helping me, to find a workaround, and luckily I did, but all that brainpower to do all that and deal with people unhappy about a FREE mask they gave a donation for and of course, I being me, try to fix it, thus creating more work for myself, and do the dishes daily and the laundry weekly and cook and clean and try to save the world...well
Saving the world is a bit overwhelming!
To say the least.
I do videos to inspire and encourage others to think positive, I answer phone calls of people who are struggling, I help people figure out Zoom who are trying to run meetings, I help my friends by trying to think of ways they can make money and survive during this crisis and maybe update or make a website for them to help them, I sew masks and donate masks to the grocery store, my cancer center, other patients at the cancer center I think of, and take care of my apartment complex community, and I volunteer for MasksNow trying to help them with promotion and I manage my FB groups to help others move forward in their lives, (too many groups to mention) and I sew and sew and sew.
I feel like I was saved from cancer twice for a reason. A big part of that is giving back or paying it forward. All that I am doing now I feel is doing that. I was saved for this time in my life. I went through all I did in life so I was ready for this moment in our life. I truly feel like if anyone understands storms of life and how to get through them and stay positive through them and help others while going through them, especially the ones you cant control, is me.
That's how you save the world.
You save the world by being the best human you can be.
That's what I strive for. To be the best human I can be.
I am still human.
I make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like people forget I am human.
In that humanness, I also get overwhelmed by doing my part in saving the world.
Then I get sensitive.
Then I crack.
Then I break down and cry in my closet for 20 minutes.
When I am done.
When I have let those tears flow and sobbed and balled and let my emotions truly pour out of me, though it sounds sad to hear someone cured for 20 minutes in their closer, it really is therapeutic and healing.
Saving the world IS a bit overwhelming, but I would not stop doing anything I am going because I know it is making a difference and leaving a legacy of love and that's all that matters to me.
One thing kind of made me crack tonight.
For the third time this week, someone said to me "You are making me feel bad."
First, let me say I hate that saying because no one can MAKE you feel bad. You feel bad because something the person is saying to you triggered something in you that you feel bad about. That person did NOT make you feel bad.
Second, it was that final piece you add to the house of cards that makes it all come tumbling down.
Let me explain,
As of this weekend, I have now made over 1000 handsewn masks for my local community.
I was able to do that because of my new community of friends I have made on NEXTDOOR.
I am tired, I am worn, I am doing all I can to help the community. I might be a little on edge and I might not always say things correctly.
That does not mean I MADE someone feel bad.
I don't want people to feel bad for things I say but I do realize I can't control how they take it.
The overwhelm came from a simple waffle I was looking forward to eating, in my opinion, getting ruined because it was no longer crispy it was now soggy. I said something about how it was put away and why it was soggy and how sad I was that I felt it was ruined. Of course, the person, who was trying to be helpful by putting them away now feels bad and it's my fault.
The thing is, I know from experience, it really had nothing to do with te waffle.
It had to do with the fact that in our current situation, staying at home, not getting many pleasures, we find pleasures in the little things, and that was a pleasure I was looking forward to after working so hard lately. When it wasn't right, I was disappointed.
I never feel like I am allowed to say that though. The minute I say I am disappointed someone tells me I made them feel bad,
Why am I not allowed to express myself! GRR. So frustrating.
So, I think, after a long MONTH of sewing so many masks, and in this week had to deal with a broken serger, a backlog of orders I had to use critical thinking to figure out how to leverage my new NextDoor friends who have been helping me, to find a workaround, and luckily I did, but all that brainpower to do all that and deal with people unhappy about a FREE mask they gave a donation for and of course, I being me, try to fix it, thus creating more work for myself, and do the dishes daily and the laundry weekly and cook and clean and try to save the world...well
Saving the world is a bit overwhelming!
To say the least.
I do videos to inspire and encourage others to think positive, I answer phone calls of people who are struggling, I help people figure out Zoom who are trying to run meetings, I help my friends by trying to think of ways they can make money and survive during this crisis and maybe update or make a website for them to help them, I sew masks and donate masks to the grocery store, my cancer center, other patients at the cancer center I think of, and take care of my apartment complex community, and I volunteer for MasksNow trying to help them with promotion and I manage my FB groups to help others move forward in their lives, (too many groups to mention) and I sew and sew and sew.
I feel like I was saved from cancer twice for a reason. A big part of that is giving back or paying it forward. All that I am doing now I feel is doing that. I was saved for this time in my life. I went through all I did in life so I was ready for this moment in our life. I truly feel like if anyone understands storms of life and how to get through them and stay positive through them and help others while going through them, especially the ones you cant control, is me.
That's how you save the world.
You save the world by being the best human you can be.
That's what I strive for. To be the best human I can be.
I am still human.
I make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like people forget I am human.
In that humanness, I also get overwhelmed by doing my part in saving the world.
Then I get sensitive.
Then I crack.
Then I break down and cry in my closet for 20 minutes.
When I am done.
When I have let those tears flow and sobbed and balled and let my emotions truly pour out of me, though it sounds sad to hear someone cured for 20 minutes in their closer, it really is therapeutic and healing.
Saving the world IS a bit overwhelming, but I would not stop doing anything I am going because I know it is making a difference and leaving a legacy of love and that's all that matters to me.
Saturday, February 29, 2020
Being Aware of everything and Nothing at the Same time
I have noticed something lately.
I have become aware of something.
Myself, my surroundings, how my spouse and I interact or don't interact, how I feel like I am always the parent in this relationship, how often my feelings get hurt, how many times I pull back and retreat, like for instance, right now.
This morning I got up to get coffee, spend time with my Hunepants.
He wants to watch his bitcoin show. I have an issue with that.
In the midst, he is making crepes and pancakes.
So in reality what that means is, "He is making a mess." There are batters on the counter, flour everywhere, the spatula with oil dripping and leaking on the counter in between the line of the sink and counter and I sigh.
The constant battle of "Why can't you clean up as you go" issue.
I offered a suggestion "May I offer a suggestion? If you put the batters in the bowl and the spatula on the plate it won't make such a mess." And then I put the batters ina bowl and that spatula on a plate.
He explains, "I wasn't done with those yet!"
I asked where the paper towels were.
He exclaimed loudly, "HONEY! I am trying to watch my show here!"
Ok fine.
I walk away, go into my bedroom, close the door, cry in the closet for about 2 minutes because he hurts my feelings, dry my eyes, then stand in the middle of my room feeling like I have no one to talk to.
Then I remembered my blog.
I have so many damn blogs I actually forget this one many times. this one which always was my online diary. My outlet to the world to get out my thoughts and feelings. If people are reading or listening, I don't care. This is my space.
Past boyfriends hated this blog because as real and open as I am on social media, I am 100% down to reality here. I need this space to be a space where I can truly let it out.
This is part of what I am aware of.
I have been feeling overwhelmed. Anxious. Like I have no outlet, nowhere to let it out. but I do. Here. This blog. So many times I am protective of saying things that might hurt his job or his ego or his privacy but then I have nowhere to go or speak or unload.
We have a really good life but of course, things are not perfect.
The older we get and the more and more I am opening my mind and freeing my thoughts it appears the Hunepants does not like that side of me.
That makes it hard.
It is now 2020.
I had had cancer twice in a few short years of each other.
The first was Colon Cancer and technically though they say "Metastizied Colon cancer" it was in My ovaries os Ovarian Cancer"
There is a lot of mind-body connection to both of those. But the bigger issue is stress.
https://www.cityofhope.org/living-well/is-there-a-connection-between-chronic-stress-and-cancer
In the past few years and I would say most of my life, STRESS has been my bread and butter. It is not tasty, I don't necessarily like it but it is what I have had to eat.
This year I am trying to change that diet of stress.
I feel like now that I am speaking up more so I don't hold all those issues in we are butting heads more. He is not going to like it, but I need to be heard. I need to speak up. Holding in is not healthy and in the long run, costs more issues. Costs more in healthcare for me and I am hoping he seeing the bigger picture.
He stresses me out when he screams at the top of his lungs his caveman screams to let out his frustrations. I nearly climb the walls.
He stresses me out when he leaves a mess all over the place and I have to clean it up.
He stresses me out when he snaps at me.
He stresses me out when he has a fit about things not being the way he likes them.
He hurts my feelings when he won't participate in my life and them things I do. I don't like feeling like I have to beg him t come to events with me and support me. I want him to come because he wants to come, but because I beg.
He wears his headphones around the house nonstop listening to podcasts but that means there is no open communication. If I want to openly speak he has to stop his podcast and he acts like it is an intrusion on his ears for me to do so.
We have lived in the apartment for over a month and yet his room is still stacked high with bins and nothing is put away. There is no life in his room and it feels cluttered and unwelcoming. IT makes me not want to be in there or spend time with him. though in reality, I WANt to spend time with him
My friend gave me an extra Tv as a trade for work I did for her. I wanted to put the TV in his room so we could cuddle on the futon and watch shows together. He acted like it was a huge imposition to him.
If I speak up about my thoughts or my feelings he says I hurt his. then I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can't talk openly. I am struggling to have an open dialogue with him anymore.
For the past few years, things were great. But looking back I feel like they were great because reI suppressed.
That suppression in my mind led to or made my cancer worse.
In the past few months I have had a lot of thyroid and throat issues.
It makes me wonder if this is yet another representation of suppression. My throat chakra trying to tell me something.
All I know is that more and more I am feeling hurt, sensitive, and a desire to retreat.
I feel overwhelmed in my life and want to find a farm in the country and do nothing but pick berries, make bread, live off the land and be a hippie.
I am tied of adulting and trying to play nice with others. Especially my spouse.
I know he is 11 years younger than me and that tI would run into some of these issues but the older I get I thought we would meet in the middle somewhere.
I'm at a loss.
I also know the thyroid can cause depression and a lot of how I am feeling could all be a part of that.
I am aware of all these things and at the same time feel like I am aware of nothing at all.
This year I turn 50.
Isn't life supposed to easier as you get older?
Could somebody tell the universe so I can get on that bus?
I have become aware of something.
Myself, my surroundings, how my spouse and I interact or don't interact, how I feel like I am always the parent in this relationship, how often my feelings get hurt, how many times I pull back and retreat, like for instance, right now.
This morning I got up to get coffee, spend time with my Hunepants.
He wants to watch his bitcoin show. I have an issue with that.
In the midst, he is making crepes and pancakes.
So in reality what that means is, "He is making a mess." There are batters on the counter, flour everywhere, the spatula with oil dripping and leaking on the counter in between the line of the sink and counter and I sigh.
The constant battle of "Why can't you clean up as you go" issue.
I offered a suggestion "May I offer a suggestion? If you put the batters in the bowl and the spatula on the plate it won't make such a mess." And then I put the batters ina bowl and that spatula on a plate.
He explains, "I wasn't done with those yet!"
I asked where the paper towels were.
He exclaimed loudly, "HONEY! I am trying to watch my show here!"
Ok fine.
I walk away, go into my bedroom, close the door, cry in the closet for about 2 minutes because he hurts my feelings, dry my eyes, then stand in the middle of my room feeling like I have no one to talk to.
Then I remembered my blog.
I have so many damn blogs I actually forget this one many times. this one which always was my online diary. My outlet to the world to get out my thoughts and feelings. If people are reading or listening, I don't care. This is my space.
Past boyfriends hated this blog because as real and open as I am on social media, I am 100% down to reality here. I need this space to be a space where I can truly let it out.
This is part of what I am aware of.
I have been feeling overwhelmed. Anxious. Like I have no outlet, nowhere to let it out. but I do. Here. This blog. So many times I am protective of saying things that might hurt his job or his ego or his privacy but then I have nowhere to go or speak or unload.
We have a really good life but of course, things are not perfect.
The older we get and the more and more I am opening my mind and freeing my thoughts it appears the Hunepants does not like that side of me.
That makes it hard.
It is now 2020.
I had had cancer twice in a few short years of each other.
The first was Colon Cancer and technically though they say "Metastizied Colon cancer" it was in My ovaries os Ovarian Cancer"
There is a lot of mind-body connection to both of those. But the bigger issue is stress.
https://www.cityofhope.org/living-well/is-there-a-connection-between-chronic-stress-and-cancer
In the past few years and I would say most of my life, STRESS has been my bread and butter. It is not tasty, I don't necessarily like it but it is what I have had to eat.
This year I am trying to change that diet of stress.
I feel like now that I am speaking up more so I don't hold all those issues in we are butting heads more. He is not going to like it, but I need to be heard. I need to speak up. Holding in is not healthy and in the long run, costs more issues. Costs more in healthcare for me and I am hoping he seeing the bigger picture.
He stresses me out when he screams at the top of his lungs his caveman screams to let out his frustrations. I nearly climb the walls.
He stresses me out when he leaves a mess all over the place and I have to clean it up.
He stresses me out when he snaps at me.
He stresses me out when he has a fit about things not being the way he likes them.
He hurts my feelings when he won't participate in my life and them things I do. I don't like feeling like I have to beg him t come to events with me and support me. I want him to come because he wants to come, but because I beg.
He wears his headphones around the house nonstop listening to podcasts but that means there is no open communication. If I want to openly speak he has to stop his podcast and he acts like it is an intrusion on his ears for me to do so.
We have lived in the apartment for over a month and yet his room is still stacked high with bins and nothing is put away. There is no life in his room and it feels cluttered and unwelcoming. IT makes me not want to be in there or spend time with him. though in reality, I WANt to spend time with him
My friend gave me an extra Tv as a trade for work I did for her. I wanted to put the TV in his room so we could cuddle on the futon and watch shows together. He acted like it was a huge imposition to him.
If I speak up about my thoughts or my feelings he says I hurt his. then I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can't talk openly. I am struggling to have an open dialogue with him anymore.
For the past few years, things were great. But looking back I feel like they were great because reI suppressed.
That suppression in my mind led to or made my cancer worse.
In the past few months I have had a lot of thyroid and throat issues.
It makes me wonder if this is yet another representation of suppression. My throat chakra trying to tell me something.
All I know is that more and more I am feeling hurt, sensitive, and a desire to retreat.
I feel overwhelmed in my life and want to find a farm in the country and do nothing but pick berries, make bread, live off the land and be a hippie.
I am tied of adulting and trying to play nice with others. Especially my spouse.
I know he is 11 years younger than me and that tI would run into some of these issues but the older I get I thought we would meet in the middle somewhere.
I'm at a loss.
I also know the thyroid can cause depression and a lot of how I am feeling could all be a part of that.
I am aware of all these things and at the same time feel like I am aware of nothing at all.
This year I turn 50.
Isn't life supposed to easier as you get older?
Could somebody tell the universe so I can get on that bus?
Thursday, November 14, 2019
My Bucket List for Life is Shrinking
I don't have your normal kind of bucket list. I don't care if I go skiing or ziplining or skydiving. Sure they sound cool, but no that's not my list.
My list
Leave a Legacy of Love (Working on it)
Help others create a life they can fall in love with (working on it)
Traditional Toastmasters DTM achievement (Complete)
Complete Dynamic Leadership Path in Toastmasters (Complete)
Complete Pathways DTM (One path left)
Learn the Ukelele (Learning. I can play Let it be already!!)
Live a simple life (pretty close but I want even simplier)
Let others I know I love them (ongoing)
To make a difference in the loves of others... Starfish Story (Done. Ongoing)
Inspire the World (Ongoing )
I told my therapist this today. I realized this. I feel at peace about whatever happens in my life. I know I've impacted lives. I will keep doing all I can to help others in this world, to inspire others, to make a difference.
The biggest of these is love.
All I can do now is to be the best human I can be♥️ to Leave a Legacy of love
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Tough
I cried this morning for some time I don't know what came over me but I was sitting or actually lying in bed with my back hurting and my neck hurting with my arms feeling tense and my hands having neuropathy
Last night I was told I was tough and I was I was lying here in pain thinking about what that girl told me I realized it's not the first that I've ever been told that but what many don't realize and don't see is how hard it is to be tough. it's not easy. if it was easy everyone would do it.
the reality in authenticity of the situation is...
I get tired of being tough. Period. End of sentence.
It's been tough all my life. I feel like I've been tough since I was 8 years old but at that time until I was 41,v I was building my toughness. I was getting stronger and stronger each day I just didn't know it because when I was younger before I went through my life transformation at 41, people did not call me tough, they called me fragile.. so concerned that I would break, so sensitive, so tender, so something and if I wasn't so something I was too much.
People don't get tough because life was easy for them. they get tough because life is hard and it sucked and they may have always been tough but they could have been like me so fragile like a china doll, like a porcelain doll, so tender she could break in any minute and at times she did. she was in a mental hospital. she tried to commit suicide twice. there were times that it was really hard for her and she couldn't even get out of bed.
You know that a person had a tough life when they say things like that.
ill be 50 next year if I make it that long and I'm just so very tired of being tough.
Cancer, even having cancer twice, is only the most recent trial I've had.
I thought that when I left my life of drama I would leave my life of trials.
Little did I know that's not how reality works.
On top of everything else I've had to deal with in my life by the time cancer came around I almost wrote it off to one more trial I'll handle this just like I handle the rest of them brave bold fearless and Fabulous.
I don't mind being tough. I find it to be quite a compliment because I know how hard my life is been and I know how hard it was to get me to this point where I wasn't fragile anymore.
I'm not fragile anymore... I'm just tired.
I'm just tired of being tough
Monday, April 01, 2019
To the Humans of the World about Cancer Patients
Dear humans of the world,
A cancer patient is a fragile person. They can also be a strong person. They can be afraid. They can be fearless. You never know which type of cancer patient you are dealing with. It could even be the same person on a different day. Please be careful what you say to them in person and especially online. Online, we can't see your face. We don't know your tone. Are you being sarcastic or serious, are you just upfront or are you being rude? Maybe you are just trying to be really, authentic and honest. We have no clue.
Cancer is real. It is not something people would lie about, generally. Sadly some do. They ruined our image online and off. But those are a few select people. Please don't assume we are lying. It hurts us. It is hard to want to fight for your life when the world is jaded. We wonder, what are we fighting for here?!
And, please stop being a Google doctor or telling us all the things we should do or aren't doing. We have more doctors on our team than you can imagine. Pcp, oncologist, internist, rectal doctor, surgeon, PA, nurses, cancer care team from United Health Care, a liaison nurse, therapist, herbalist, acupuncturist, reiki healer not to mention dentist, eye doctor, and others who are all watching out for us and concerned for us because cancer and chemo affects all those above things too.
Lastly, please please please don't tell us that by choosing to do chemotherapy that we are choosing to die or that we are slowly killing ourselves. Many of us struggled with the decision and honestly every time I do it I don't want to do it but my husband asked me the first time I had cancer to do it because he had just married me a year before and this time he told me my chances are better than if I don't and he loves me so much that he wants me to do everything I can to stay on this Earth a little while longer... how do you say no to a man who says something like that to you? When your partner asks you to do chemo because he loves you so much and he doesn't want to let you go yet how do you say no!
You all say to yourselves, just as I did, I would never do chemo if I had cancer but when you have cancer and you're faced with the odds and you're faced with a situation it's a whole different story, my friends!!
It also is a whole different story about how we eat, what we take and how we take care of ourselves. Many of us are on plant-based diets or keto diets or just doing anything we can with our hair products our home products to make sure it isn't OUR fault, even if by default or lack of knowledge, because once we find out we have Cancer we learn that what we put ON our bodies and what we put IN our bodies matters and believe me, we are doing everything we can. Anything you have to say, just hurts not helps when you are like that.
So, what do we want? What can you tell us? What should you say to us or can you say? How can you help what can you do? These are the things you can do:
Reach out to us from time to time
Send us memes or GIFs
Send us cards or small little gifts or things that might make a smile
Take us out to lunch sometime come over and see us
Offer to take us to chemo or give us rides to places
Don't treat us like we're broken or fragile we are still here we're still humans and when you talk to us like we're a baby or that we might fall apart it degrades us even more gives us a harder reason to fight
At the same time don't be rude or disrespectful to us if at all possible because we are fighting a harder battle than you probably ever could imagine and to deal with anger, frustration, rudeness, toxic people and people who are not sincere is severely harder for us each day because all too often it's so hard to stay strong and many give up and lose their will to live,so, please don't be the one to push us over the edge and give up altogether.
Overall, be a good human.
Most of all...
Ask us what we want. It's that simple.
And when we tell you, please honor that and help us to achieve those wants and goals and respect us by supporting our choices and desires.
Be there for us unconditionally in our good times and in bad times and our good days and our bad days because believe me, even the most nicest caring person can still get fed up frustrated and lash out without meaning to.
We are fighting for our lives after all.
Humans of the world, what can you do for us cancer patients?
You can love us, support us, give us hope and just give us a reason to smile and fight and keep fighting until we win and until we keep the evil cancer at bay and can feel safe again to roam the Earth.
~xoxo
Hugs and kisses and fairytale wishes
A cancer patient is a fragile person. They can also be a strong person. They can be afraid. They can be fearless. You never know which type of cancer patient you are dealing with. It could even be the same person on a different day. Please be careful what you say to them in person and especially online. Online, we can't see your face. We don't know your tone. Are you being sarcastic or serious, are you just upfront or are you being rude? Maybe you are just trying to be really, authentic and honest. We have no clue.
Cancer is real. It is not something people would lie about, generally. Sadly some do. They ruined our image online and off. But those are a few select people. Please don't assume we are lying. It hurts us. It is hard to want to fight for your life when the world is jaded. We wonder, what are we fighting for here?!
And, please stop being a Google doctor or telling us all the things we should do or aren't doing. We have more doctors on our team than you can imagine. Pcp, oncologist, internist, rectal doctor, surgeon, PA, nurses, cancer care team from United Health Care, a liaison nurse, therapist, herbalist, acupuncturist, reiki healer not to mention dentist, eye doctor, and others who are all watching out for us and concerned for us because cancer and chemo affects all those above things too.
Lastly, please please please don't tell us that by choosing to do chemotherapy that we are choosing to die or that we are slowly killing ourselves. Many of us struggled with the decision and honestly every time I do it I don't want to do it but my husband asked me the first time I had cancer to do it because he had just married me a year before and this time he told me my chances are better than if I don't and he loves me so much that he wants me to do everything I can to stay on this Earth a little while longer... how do you say no to a man who says something like that to you? When your partner asks you to do chemo because he loves you so much and he doesn't want to let you go yet how do you say no!
You all say to yourselves, just as I did, I would never do chemo if I had cancer but when you have cancer and you're faced with the odds and you're faced with a situation it's a whole different story, my friends!!
It also is a whole different story about how we eat, what we take and how we take care of ourselves. Many of us are on plant-based diets or keto diets or just doing anything we can with our hair products our home products to make sure it isn't OUR fault, even if by default or lack of knowledge, because once we find out we have Cancer we learn that what we put ON our bodies and what we put IN our bodies matters and believe me, we are doing everything we can. Anything you have to say, just hurts not helps when you are like that.
So, what do we want? What can you tell us? What should you say to us or can you say? How can you help what can you do? These are the things you can do:
Reach out to us from time to time
Send us memes or GIFs
Send us cards or small little gifts or things that might make a smile
Take us out to lunch sometime come over and see us
Offer to take us to chemo or give us rides to places
Don't treat us like we're broken or fragile we are still here we're still humans and when you talk to us like we're a baby or that we might fall apart it degrades us even more gives us a harder reason to fight
At the same time don't be rude or disrespectful to us if at all possible because we are fighting a harder battle than you probably ever could imagine and to deal with anger, frustration, rudeness, toxic people and people who are not sincere is severely harder for us each day because all too often it's so hard to stay strong and many give up and lose their will to live,so, please don't be the one to push us over the edge and give up altogether.
Overall, be a good human.
Most of all...
Ask us what we want. It's that simple.
And when we tell you, please honor that and help us to achieve those wants and goals and respect us by supporting our choices and desires.
Be there for us unconditionally in our good times and in bad times and our good days and our bad days because believe me, even the most nicest caring person can still get fed up frustrated and lash out without meaning to.
We are fighting for our lives after all.
Humans of the world, what can you do for us cancer patients?
You can love us, support us, give us hope and just give us a reason to smile and fight and keep fighting until we win and until we keep the evil cancer at bay and can feel safe again to roam the Earth.
~xoxo
Hugs and kisses and fairytale wishes
Then Cancer Returned in 2019
I looked back at when and what I wrote in my last posts. Now here is the odd part...
The week after I wrote those posts in January of 2019 this year, I found out my Colon Cancer came back. Since then, just like last time, it has been a whirlwind. They found a tumor the size bigger than a grapefruit in my ovaries. We thought it was ovarian cancer so we were told to go to a Gynelogical oncologist. He removed the tumor and I had a hysterectomy removing everything. The tumor had leaked into my abdomen and inflated my belly. While in surgery they did a biopsy and found it was colon cancer. AGAIN. I healed from surgery and then had a PETSCAN. That revealed I still have cancer in my pelvis and abdomen. No surprise there if the cancer was leaking in those areas but not what I wanted to hear.
I started chemo right away.
This is all so different than last time.
This time I am taking Irinotecan, Avastin, 5Fu, Leucovorin. That's my new cocktail.
That's what the doctors and nurses call it. Either way, it sucks. This time I have a higher chance of losing my hair. This time I have different side effects, yet some are the same. This time it is different but the same.
I have had two treatments now and I will tell you, this time the chemo is kicking my ass. I have been queasy all week. Even now. I hate that. Chemo really wreaks havoc on your body and sadly your mind as well.
I'm awake now because I am afraid to go to sleep.
Which is odd because when I think if I will die, I feel ok with it. I feel like I am a good human. I feel like I left a good legacy. But yet, still afraid. Maybe that is just being a human as well.
I am supposed to do chemo until August. There is a lot left unsaid, unknown.
Metastatic Colon Cancer is vengeful, aggressive, scary as hell and the chances of surviving are 14%!!
That is because this tumor was called a Krukenburg Tumor in my ovaries and the fact that it was a distant site is not good.
I am still being me.
I am brave.
I am courageous.
Sometimes I am very sad.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I am just here.
Sometimes I sit and my closet and cry late at night so I don't bother my spouse, who is still trying to work, provide for me, caregiver to me and be there for me.
Sometimes I cry in the shower while listening to inspirational music.
Sometimes I am numb.
Sometimes I am pissed and angry as hell at this cancer coming back.
No matter what, I am always me.
I do not know the future of my world.
I am focusing on my next book "Always Wear Peals: Living Life with Style and Grace"
I even started a FB group for it for me to place my thoughts and encourage others to do the same no matter what they are fighting.
I thought my next book would be directly about cancer, but something in me changed.
Perhaps cancer itself.
It can do that.
It really matters to me to "Inspire the World" and I felt this book could inspire more people. Especially women.
Life will pull the rug out from underneath you when you least expect it. Handling that with style and grace is something I work on doing daily. I aspire to be like Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe one day someone will "aspire" to be like me. Maybe I can give them hope in the darkness. Maybe I can teach them how to be a positive influence in the world. Maybe I can be a role model for them. Maybe I already have been.
Maybe, this is just another struggle I need to Fall Into Fabulous for.
Maybe this is why my cancer returned. Maybe you need to live vicariously through me. Maybe you can't handle the trials but I can. maybe by me going through it, you are growing, learning, becoming. Maybe I am here to learn. maybe I am here to teach by example. Maybe I need to be there for you.
As I said on Facebook, if that is the case, I gladly will. Because I love you. Humans of the World. Yes, you. I love you and I would do anything for you.
xoxo ~Trixie
The week after I wrote those posts in January of 2019 this year, I found out my Colon Cancer came back. Since then, just like last time, it has been a whirlwind. They found a tumor the size bigger than a grapefruit in my ovaries. We thought it was ovarian cancer so we were told to go to a Gynelogical oncologist. He removed the tumor and I had a hysterectomy removing everything. The tumor had leaked into my abdomen and inflated my belly. While in surgery they did a biopsy and found it was colon cancer. AGAIN. I healed from surgery and then had a PETSCAN. That revealed I still have cancer in my pelvis and abdomen. No surprise there if the cancer was leaking in those areas but not what I wanted to hear.
I started chemo right away.
This is all so different than last time.
This time I am taking Irinotecan, Avastin, 5Fu, Leucovorin. That's my new cocktail.
That's what the doctors and nurses call it. Either way, it sucks. This time I have a higher chance of losing my hair. This time I have different side effects, yet some are the same. This time it is different but the same.
I have had two treatments now and I will tell you, this time the chemo is kicking my ass. I have been queasy all week. Even now. I hate that. Chemo really wreaks havoc on your body and sadly your mind as well.
I'm awake now because I am afraid to go to sleep.
Which is odd because when I think if I will die, I feel ok with it. I feel like I am a good human. I feel like I left a good legacy. But yet, still afraid. Maybe that is just being a human as well.
I am supposed to do chemo until August. There is a lot left unsaid, unknown.
Metastatic Colon Cancer is vengeful, aggressive, scary as hell and the chances of surviving are 14%!!
That is because this tumor was called a Krukenburg Tumor in my ovaries and the fact that it was a distant site is not good.
I am still being me.
I am brave.
I am courageous.
Sometimes I am very sad.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I am just here.
Sometimes I sit and my closet and cry late at night so I don't bother my spouse, who is still trying to work, provide for me, caregiver to me and be there for me.
Sometimes I cry in the shower while listening to inspirational music.
Sometimes I am numb.
Sometimes I am pissed and angry as hell at this cancer coming back.
No matter what, I am always me.
I do not know the future of my world.
I am focusing on my next book "Always Wear Peals: Living Life with Style and Grace"
I even started a FB group for it for me to place my thoughts and encourage others to do the same no matter what they are fighting.
I thought my next book would be directly about cancer, but something in me changed.
Perhaps cancer itself.
It can do that.
It really matters to me to "Inspire the World" and I felt this book could inspire more people. Especially women.
Life will pull the rug out from underneath you when you least expect it. Handling that with style and grace is something I work on doing daily. I aspire to be like Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe one day someone will "aspire" to be like me. Maybe I can give them hope in the darkness. Maybe I can teach them how to be a positive influence in the world. Maybe I can be a role model for them. Maybe I already have been.
Maybe, this is just another struggle I need to Fall Into Fabulous for.
Maybe this is why my cancer returned. Maybe you need to live vicariously through me. Maybe you can't handle the trials but I can. maybe by me going through it, you are growing, learning, becoming. Maybe I am here to learn. maybe I am here to teach by example. Maybe I need to be there for you.
As I said on Facebook, if that is the case, I gladly will. Because I love you. Humans of the World. Yes, you. I love you and I would do anything for you.
xoxo ~Trixie
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Emotional Nightmare and Dreams
I had the most intense dream/nightmare last night. I was running, being chased by bullies and they had a German shepherd dog. They let the dog loose and I ran into an old house and yelled at my husband to put on pants because I needed him to protect me. I could see him vividly in the kitchen our retro home, which is rare in my dreams. He quickly got dressed and was coming to my aid.
The dog stood on my porch growling fiercely at me and the bullies were on the sidewalk and I turned and tightly grabbed the screen door and started chanting curses at the dog and the bullies to be removed from my home and off my property and many other curses I don't remember. In the middle of my nightmare, my spouse woke me saying I was crying in real life and whimpering.
I got up, went to the bathroom, turned on lights drank water everything I could do to wake up. I went back to sleep and ended up back in my dream but it was slightly different.
I was still in the house but things were different. It was like someone moved in. I called my mom and she told me this friend of ours may have rented it without her permission. She was upset about this gal doing this, and would talk to her. It was not her right to rent it but I was not sure if that is what really happened.
Then I could hear something, I went upstairs and there was water leaking all through the house, there were two sets of stairs and both had rotted out in the center and I had to climb on the side to get around the leak. As soon as I started looking for the leak, it stopped. I never found out where the leak was coming from, but it stopped. Behind a closet door I found a squatter hiding in my house with a small child, a boy I think. We spoke briefly and then they ran out. The rest of the house was destroyed like it was being used for a crack house or something.
Later she came back and gave me the keys. She was very nervous and almost ran. I asked her to wait and then told her I already had new locks on the door but thank you for bringing back the keys. I asked her where she was staying since she left the house. She said a hotel with her and her son. He was very young, I remember that. I asked her to come in and told her I was not going to call the cops I was just worried about her and her son and how they were. She got her son and they both came in the house. We talked and I hugged her and I ended up befriending her.
I remember my spouse nearby again but this time his face was not so visible.
Another weird thing is I called a male friend of mine who is usually my photographer in Iowa to come to fix the leak. That was also very odd. This person does represent someone I trust and I know he cares for me.
My spouse said as I relayed all this he thinks maybe I was projecting in my dream that I was in trouble and that is why he woke up to wake me up.
When I looked these all up in dream interpretations it all relates to feeling like people you trust are against you. The leak is emotional leaks in your life. The people are people you know you can trust.
The dog represents fear and the feeling of being attacked. All together it relates to stress and I have been very stressed out lately because of certain thing happening in an area of my life I put lots of stock into.
I am curious to know what my therapist says about all this when I see him this week and welcome any other thoughts you, who may be reading this, may have. Just please be considerate and watch how you say it.
also I have been having sever stomach issues lately and if you know anything about Mind Body connection, you would understand this all relates.
Another thing I think of is Melody ross and Brave Girls. She talks alot about protecting your soul house and so I think I will look into watching some of those videos again and reconnecting with that part of me.
I am off to go spend time with a friend that I know loves me and cares for me and have some girl time.
Thanks for reading
The dog stood on my porch growling fiercely at me and the bullies were on the sidewalk and I turned and tightly grabbed the screen door and started chanting curses at the dog and the bullies to be removed from my home and off my property and many other curses I don't remember. In the middle of my nightmare, my spouse woke me saying I was crying in real life and whimpering.
I got up, went to the bathroom, turned on lights drank water everything I could do to wake up. I went back to sleep and ended up back in my dream but it was slightly different.
I was still in the house but things were different. It was like someone moved in. I called my mom and she told me this friend of ours may have rented it without her permission. She was upset about this gal doing this, and would talk to her. It was not her right to rent it but I was not sure if that is what really happened.
Then I could hear something, I went upstairs and there was water leaking all through the house, there were two sets of stairs and both had rotted out in the center and I had to climb on the side to get around the leak. As soon as I started looking for the leak, it stopped. I never found out where the leak was coming from, but it stopped. Behind a closet door I found a squatter hiding in my house with a small child, a boy I think. We spoke briefly and then they ran out. The rest of the house was destroyed like it was being used for a crack house or something.
Later she came back and gave me the keys. She was very nervous and almost ran. I asked her to wait and then told her I already had new locks on the door but thank you for bringing back the keys. I asked her where she was staying since she left the house. She said a hotel with her and her son. He was very young, I remember that. I asked her to come in and told her I was not going to call the cops I was just worried about her and her son and how they were. She got her son and they both came in the house. We talked and I hugged her and I ended up befriending her.
I remember my spouse nearby again but this time his face was not so visible.
Another weird thing is I called a male friend of mine who is usually my photographer in Iowa to come to fix the leak. That was also very odd. This person does represent someone I trust and I know he cares for me.
My spouse said as I relayed all this he thinks maybe I was projecting in my dream that I was in trouble and that is why he woke up to wake me up.
When I looked these all up in dream interpretations it all relates to feeling like people you trust are against you. The leak is emotional leaks in your life. The people are people you know you can trust.
The dog represents fear and the feeling of being attacked. All together it relates to stress and I have been very stressed out lately because of certain thing happening in an area of my life I put lots of stock into.
I am curious to know what my therapist says about all this when I see him this week and welcome any other thoughts you, who may be reading this, may have. Just please be considerate and watch how you say it.
also I have been having sever stomach issues lately and if you know anything about Mind Body connection, you would understand this all relates.
Another thing I think of is Melody ross and Brave Girls. She talks alot about protecting your soul house and so I think I will look into watching some of those videos again and reconnecting with that part of me.
I am off to go spend time with a friend that I know loves me and cares for me and have some girl time.
Thanks for reading
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Remember who you wanted to be
I have wanted to get back to my writing for some time now. Of course, life gets in the way. Toastmasters now takes up more o my time and I find myself trying to fit in my business with Toastmasters, not the other way around. We are nearing the end of January and recent events have helped me to see that I need to alter this point of view.
While Toastmasters is a great leadership organization full of people it is full of people. Not everyone is going to be nice, kind or respectful. Trying to explain why I feel a lack of respect to others has been a moot point.
I got to thinking, why is that?
#1 they are not me.
They have not been through what I have been through. They have not overcome toxic people and dealt with people trying to shame me all my life. They have not had the trials and adversities I have. They have not walked a mile in my shoes.
They have not had to overcome what I have. Death, Loss, Rape, molestation, self-harm, abuse, addiction...cancer. Maybe one or two have had to deal with one or two of these things, but I have yet to meet anyone who had all the same as me.
I am a unicorn.
I know I am.
I am unique and different. Not just because I was made that way, but because I became that way.
I knew in each of these trials in my life I had a choice.
1- crawl under the covers and retreat and do not face the world. Is that you? Is that what you are doing right now while reading this?
2-Overcome. WAke up and realize not everyone is bad. Not everyone is mean. Not everyone is hurtful. Maybe this is you.
Or maybe you are caught in the in-between. Wanting to overcome, wanting to be better, wanting to be happy and wanting to change.
While yes, I have tools, a book, a workbook and so on, this is not where I am going to sell them to you. You have to find them and maybe you will find mine.
This is a place for me to vent, to get out those evil thoughts I just can't keep in my head anymore.
This is a place where I want you to know that you are not alone.
I have been where you are.
We as humans have the ability to adapt and overcome.
Let's make 2019 the year where we both make that happen.
XOXO Trisha Trixie
Friday, November 09, 2018
Easy
Nothing comes easily to me. Though I am sure people think otherwise.
Speaking does not come easily to me as I generally put my foot in my mouth, offend someone or hurt their feelings with my direct, honest to a fault, no filter Aspergers mouth.
While I am versed in many topics, even those are not easy for me because I can overwhelm others trying to share what I know and most think it sounds like verbal vomit.
Leadership does not come easily to me because of the Aspergers as well. As an Aspie, I don't get subtle clues. I don't understand underlining comments or suggestions. I need clear, direct boundaries and expectations told to me or I don't see it or know it which usually lands me in trouble, get scolded or chastised about.
Here are just a few ways in which you may see it in me...
Whatever you see, no matter who you talk to, remember, it may look easy, but that doesn't mean it is!
Speaking does not come easily to me as I generally put my foot in my mouth, offend someone or hurt their feelings with my direct, honest to a fault, no filter Aspergers mouth.
While I am versed in many topics, even those are not easy for me because I can overwhelm others trying to share what I know and most think it sounds like verbal vomit.
Leadership does not come easily to me because of the Aspergers as well. As an Aspie, I don't get subtle clues. I don't understand underlining comments or suggestions. I need clear, direct boundaries and expectations told to me or I don't see it or know it which usually lands me in trouble, get scolded or chastised about.
Here are just a few ways in which you may see it in me...
Whatever you see, no matter who you talk to, remember, it may look easy, but that doesn't mean it is!
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Aspergers, Aspie, and Me
I am always unique, dynamic, different, audacious and phenomenal...in the beginning.
They want to to be around me.
They nearly want to devour me.
In the beginning.
Until they delve in deeper.
Then, those fateful words I hate to hear..."too much" or "you're a lot to take"
UGH. just stab me right now already.
I don't even remember a time when those words were NOT uttered.
I feel like I have heard them my whole life.
I am sure I havent' heard them 48 years, but let's say for realism, since I was 5 years old.
I remember a time when I was five years old, at my aunties table, arguing with a man about who should be president and why. Meaning no harm, teasing he said "you are too much. you are not a five year old, you must be a midget!" While he meant it as a compliment, I will ever forget it.
As I grew older, I was "too much" for my cousins to play with.
I was "too much" for the boys at school to consider dating.
In my twenties and thirties, I was "too much" for my spouses, friends and co-workers.
It wasn't until my forties that it was brought to my attention that I may have Aspergers.
In 2016 I was tested and not only that, but I am bi-polar too! WOW!
Well, that sure explains alot.
Hmm...I hear that phrase a lot too, come to think of it.
Just now I hear it when the time comes, that I end up having to explain to someone that I have Aspergers and meat no harm by what I said, or didn't understand because I have Aspergers, or I'm "a lot to take"
Now I am 48 years old.
I'm sick of explaining that to people.
A good friend recently told me, perhaps instead of explaining "Aspergers" explain the symptom and why it pertains to me and Aspergers. That is better perhaps, but the whole having to explain it is obnoxious. I am not the only Aspie that feels this way.
AS one article below says, the hard thing is that we, Aspies, always have to explain. But other's don't. It is our fault if we don't' understand, not yours for not explaining it clearly. It is our fault if we don't get the joke. It is our fault if we are rude, or unfiltered, not others for being fake or petty.
People don't realize how very hard it is to be an Aspie.
We have to walk on eggshells.
We always have to apologize.
We have to think twice as hard about what comes out of our mouths because most of the time it is too raw for others to hear, accept or understand.
We are the ones who lose friends because people just can't take us anymore.
And we are the ones we walk around with an invisible sign that sometimes we wish all to see that says "Yes, I am an ASPIE. I have Aspergers. I have High functioning Autism."
I have no filter
I think black and white
I don't get hints.
I often don't understand jokes.
Sarcasm is way over my head.
We take things, life and you as well as what you say for face value.
We struggle with emails and text because there is no facial expression or tone.
We are often like blind people having to try to read those expressions and tones and figure out what they mean.
Most have something else. I have Bi-Polar.
My pace and my way let me succeed.
Your way and your method generally does not.
We are not great with eye contact.
We take things literally.
WE infringe other comfort zones without realizing it
We are generally pretty damn smart
We often excel at things
We express love differently
We are not weird you are.
We are trying to understand.
Give us a little understanding.
Grant us a little compassion
http://autisticnotweird.com/asperger-syndrome-50-facts-about-having-mild-autism/
https://www.medicinenet.com/asperger_syndrome/article.htm#what_is_aspergers_syndrome
http://theweek.com/articles/469278/5-important-facts-misconceptions-about-aspergers-syndrome
https://www.everydayhealth.com/aspergers/7-famous-people-you-didnt-know-aspergers-syndrome/
https://www.kennethrobersonphd.com/aspergers-syndrome/
https://www.aane.org/asperger-fact-sheet/
They want to to be around me.
They nearly want to devour me.
In the beginning.
Until they delve in deeper.
Then, those fateful words I hate to hear..."too much" or "you're a lot to take"
UGH. just stab me right now already.
I don't even remember a time when those words were NOT uttered.
I feel like I have heard them my whole life.
I am sure I havent' heard them 48 years, but let's say for realism, since I was 5 years old.
I remember a time when I was five years old, at my aunties table, arguing with a man about who should be president and why. Meaning no harm, teasing he said "you are too much. you are not a five year old, you must be a midget!" While he meant it as a compliment, I will ever forget it.
As I grew older, I was "too much" for my cousins to play with.
I was "too much" for the boys at school to consider dating.
In my twenties and thirties, I was "too much" for my spouses, friends and co-workers.
It wasn't until my forties that it was brought to my attention that I may have Aspergers.
In 2016 I was tested and not only that, but I am bi-polar too! WOW!
Well, that sure explains alot.
Hmm...I hear that phrase a lot too, come to think of it.
Just now I hear it when the time comes, that I end up having to explain to someone that I have Aspergers and meat no harm by what I said, or didn't understand because I have Aspergers, or I'm "a lot to take"
Now I am 48 years old.
I'm sick of explaining that to people.
A good friend recently told me, perhaps instead of explaining "Aspergers" explain the symptom and why it pertains to me and Aspergers. That is better perhaps, but the whole having to explain it is obnoxious. I am not the only Aspie that feels this way.
AS one article below says, the hard thing is that we, Aspies, always have to explain. But other's don't. It is our fault if we don't' understand, not yours for not explaining it clearly. It is our fault if we don't get the joke. It is our fault if we are rude, or unfiltered, not others for being fake or petty.
People don't realize how very hard it is to be an Aspie.
We have to walk on eggshells.
We always have to apologize.
We have to think twice as hard about what comes out of our mouths because most of the time it is too raw for others to hear, accept or understand.
We are the ones who lose friends because people just can't take us anymore.
And we are the ones we walk around with an invisible sign that sometimes we wish all to see that says "Yes, I am an ASPIE. I have Aspergers. I have High functioning Autism."
I have no filter
I think black and white
I don't get hints.
I often don't understand jokes.
Sarcasm is way over my head.
We take things, life and you as well as what you say for face value.
We struggle with emails and text because there is no facial expression or tone.
We are often like blind people having to try to read those expressions and tones and figure out what they mean.
Most have something else. I have Bi-Polar.
My pace and my way let me succeed.
Your way and your method generally does not.
We are not great with eye contact.
We take things literally.
WE infringe other comfort zones without realizing it
We are generally pretty damn smart
We often excel at things
We express love differently
We are not weird you are.
We are trying to understand.
Give us a little understanding.
Grant us a little compassion
http://autisticnotweird.com/asperger-syndrome-50-facts-about-having-mild-autism/
https://www.medicinenet.com/asperger_syndrome/article.htm#what_is_aspergers_syndrome
http://theweek.com/articles/469278/5-important-facts-misconceptions-about-aspergers-syndrome
https://www.everydayhealth.com/aspergers/7-famous-people-you-didnt-know-aspergers-syndrome/
https://www.kennethrobersonphd.com/aspergers-syndrome/
https://www.aane.org/asperger-fact-sheet/
Friday, August 03, 2018
Fly Fly Away
In just a few days I will be on a plane to France. Not just Paris, but all of France. Before I left I wanted to get my book blog written. Oddly enough, as I was intending to write on the thing, something else totally popped up and I ended up writing about being called to a higher purpose
Read the blog here https://fallingintofabulous.wordpress.com/2018/08/03/called-to-higher
I felt so moved while I was writing it I started crying.
Life has been a new world for me since in remission.
Many things have changed.
Many things have stayed the same
Mostly I have grown, matured and accepted a lot.
I know I was saved from death for a purpose and I am excited to share it with the world.
For now, off to France for my Cancer Remission Celebration.
If there is one last thought I can leave with you before I go it would be this...
Always remember you are already fabulous.
But could you be MORE fabulous?
We all could.
Don't resist the life that is placed in front of you.
Instead, embrace it.
Learn from it.
Grow from it.
Become a Phoenix.
Rise up.
Choose Fabulous.
Today, tomorrow and always.
I love you. Always.
Yes, I mean you.
Au Revoir mon amis!
Sprinkler of Fabulousness
Thriver of Life
Saturday, July 21, 2018
Overcoming Challenges to Become the Best You- Keynote
Having overcome Rape, Molestation, Death, Loss, Change, Self Harm, Anorexia, Addiction, Running Away, Homelessness, Suicide, CDIFF and Cancer (to name a few) I have developed my own mantra and the Four Pillars of Fabulousness that now I share with the world to offer you hope and a light at the end of your tunnel!
A keynote for Toastmasters TLI (Training Leadership Institutes) on Overcoming Challenges to Become the Best You by Trisha Trixie Hunter-Merrill "Author of Falling Into Fabulous: A Phoenix Rising.
Look me up Trisha Trixie or Falling Into Fabulous
When given the option of being fabulous, why would you choose anything else?
Thank you to Rheid Schloss for capturing this moment for me!
Published on Jul 21, 2018
Thank you Laria Lovec and Sarah Wolcott Beasley for giving me the opportunity to share my message.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
1st Year Remission-Teeth Extraction-I Can Do Hard Things
Today in Trixieland,
My mouth hurts like no tomorrow. Partially my face feels bruised from them grabbing at me I think to pull the teeth. I had 18 and 31 removed because they had a bad infection in the back teeth and we considered a root canal but because of my past history with illness and infection, we opted to just have them pulled. My teeth were all mashed in my head anyway and this allows my teeth to move a bit and maybe rid me of some of my headaches too! The two teeth were both in the back on both sides. I am wearing a wrap just like the guy in the pic because both sides of my mouth hurt.
I am only on soft foods so HunePants went to the store and bought, cooked and mashed with a blender, mashed potatoes with milk and cheese. He also bought jello, pudding, and a twice baked potato in case I run out. He has checked on me every day in addition to taking a half day on Monday so I could get my teeth pulled.
He told me today "Honey, I am so proud of you for all the hard things you do. You are so brave and so strong and so willing to go through things that no one would ever want to, but you do them anyway and I know you are better for them."
We only have three weeks left before we got to France. I really wanted to enjoy my food and drink and goodies while in France. I did not want to miss out on yumminess because of a tooth infection. while I hate having to go through this pain and suffering, I knew, in the long run, this would be better for me. I mean, I have heard my teeth were pretty bad and the infection could have been there for some time affecting my body in other ways as well. Now, there is no more infection or issues with my teeth to get in the way.
You see chemo deteriorates the calcium, enamel and made those teeth worse. What I am learning, however, is that there was most likely an infection already there, but the chemo made it worse. This has been my year of this knowledge.
I am still waiting on biopsy tests but since I have heard, I feel no news must be good news. they already tested my kidneys, found I had a UTI, tested my cervix and did a biopsy there, nothing happened, now the endometrial biopsy. The first year of Cancer remission has been a lot of tests but a lot of ruling things out as well and so far everything is coming up roses, minus this tooth thing.
As far as the teeth, they are concerned about the two teeth near these two and think there could be cause for other issues, but I, like always, look to the positive.
We will deal with all that other crap when we get to it.
for now, heal the teeth and gums and mouth.
Get ready for France.
Momma is gonna be here soon to watch my furbabies.
Life is what it is.
Sometimes, we just need to to do hard things.
Here is a free coloring page for you with the saying "I can do hard things"
I love to color and thought maybe you do too.
Since I can't do much else today, maybe we'll all color.
And remember....you can do hard things too!
~XoXo Trisha Trixie
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