Why am I always the one who mis understood?
Why is it always "i" who misunderstood "them" Why isn't it that "they" misunderstood "me"?
It irritates the heck outta me that Scott, Jason, Paul, Justin, other guys my family my friends always say that is is me. What the heck?
Last I knew I was a smart, intelligent individual able to communicate well. I speak fast, and type fast and don't like to spell check, but I UNDERSTAND JUST FREAKIN FINE ALREADY!!!
ok...now that I have vented...lol
I think the next time someone says that to me I am going to say to them "Maybe it is YOU who is the one who is misunderstanding?hmmm?" and if they continue to argue I literally am going to just walk away from them and not say a word
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Waiting
I hate waiting more than anything in the world.
i mostly hate waiting for men.
mostly because I am spoiled.
I know I am.
I think they shoudl have to wait for me not the other way around.
But waiting for a guy to decide if he loves me enough to propose to me and sweep me off my feet and take me off the market is more waiting than I ever want to do.
ive been with J for 3 years now. An old friends stopped by tonight and he said wow I remember the days you wouldnt wait 3 days much less 3 years wow.
I thought hmm yeah why am I waiting?
j and I have had the BIG TALKS receently. He even asked if I wanted to do double session with both our counselors. He sees how unhappy this waiting game has made me.
On top of it all I don't think he trusts me. That bugs me.
I love J I do but this whole I think I might a baby thing is irritating the heck out of me
Plus he makes all these excuses for finances and they are just excuses.
Love is love and if you love you work through them.
I feel like he has it perfect.
He lives there I live here he get to f*** when he wants either when he visits or I do and there is no commitment for either. he lives a bachelor life and doesnt have to give up anything.
what he is goingto end up giving up is me
if we end, and my job ends, I will borrow the money if I have to but I will go to MD and stay with my other friends for awhile. Whats holding me here?
My kids are older now, my family can survive without me...
Im tired...jsut so tired
tired of waiting for j
i mostly hate waiting for men.
mostly because I am spoiled.
I know I am.
I think they shoudl have to wait for me not the other way around.
But waiting for a guy to decide if he loves me enough to propose to me and sweep me off my feet and take me off the market is more waiting than I ever want to do.
ive been with J for 3 years now. An old friends stopped by tonight and he said wow I remember the days you wouldnt wait 3 days much less 3 years wow.
I thought hmm yeah why am I waiting?
j and I have had the BIG TALKS receently. He even asked if I wanted to do double session with both our counselors. He sees how unhappy this waiting game has made me.
On top of it all I don't think he trusts me. That bugs me.
I love J I do but this whole I think I might a baby thing is irritating the heck out of me
Plus he makes all these excuses for finances and they are just excuses.
Love is love and if you love you work through them.
I feel like he has it perfect.
He lives there I live here he get to f*** when he wants either when he visits or I do and there is no commitment for either. he lives a bachelor life and doesnt have to give up anything.
what he is goingto end up giving up is me
if we end, and my job ends, I will borrow the money if I have to but I will go to MD and stay with my other friends for awhile. Whats holding me here?
My kids are older now, my family can survive without me...
Im tired...jsut so tired
tired of waiting for j
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Realize
Some days I often wonder if he will ever realize how special I am and how awesome I can truly be. Some days I wonder if he will ever realize what a great girlfriend he has in me, how different from other girls I am, how supportive I am, how appreciative I am, how understanding I am, and if he will ever realize how open I am. Some days, I really wonder if he will see all the great things I know I am, I know I have gone through, and I know I can and will be.
Some days I think I will wait forever. Some days I think I need to wait more. Some days I think I am just waiting because he wants me to wait. Some days I think it is just like this story my niece told me...It was about a girl who thought her day would never come, he was never going to ask her to marry him, he would never realize how great she is and he would never realize that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her..in her mind she was beginning to think it would never happen...and then out of the blue he asked for her hand and she found out that all the time she had been waiting he was buying the ring, prepping for a home, getting his life together to be with her, all of this was happening behind the scenes she just didn't know.
So what if that is what is happening here? Do I want to mess it up by pushing,no. I told him I would wait and I will. It doesn't stop my brain from thinking, though. It doesn't stop me from wondering if I am what he wants or if he is still deciding. It worries me, seriously worries me that 3 years invested and he still isn't sure about a few things..
When will he know? How much time do I wait? Is he being fair?
The song REALIZE by Colbie Caillat was jsut palying and it really made me think about this.
Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you
C: If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
V2: Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.
C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
V3: It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.
C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized
When...when is he going to realize...when
Some days I think I will wait forever. Some days I think I need to wait more. Some days I think I am just waiting because he wants me to wait. Some days I think it is just like this story my niece told me...It was about a girl who thought her day would never come, he was never going to ask her to marry him, he would never realize how great she is and he would never realize that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her..in her mind she was beginning to think it would never happen...and then out of the blue he asked for her hand and she found out that all the time she had been waiting he was buying the ring, prepping for a home, getting his life together to be with her, all of this was happening behind the scenes she just didn't know.
So what if that is what is happening here? Do I want to mess it up by pushing,no. I told him I would wait and I will. It doesn't stop my brain from thinking, though. It doesn't stop me from wondering if I am what he wants or if he is still deciding. It worries me, seriously worries me that 3 years invested and he still isn't sure about a few things..
When will he know? How much time do I wait? Is he being fair?
The song REALIZE by Colbie Caillat was jsut palying and it really made me think about this.
Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you
C: If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
V2: Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.
C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
V3: It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.
C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized
When...when is he going to realize...when
Friday, April 16, 2010
In Love with the World
She was more in love with the world than anyone I have ever met before. She lived for life and love and happiness. She savored the world with every drop, every bite, every moment. She moved with style and grace and confidence. Her presences was alluring and when you were near here you were captured by her spell.
A moth to a flame knew better than those to come around her. The moth sees the shiny, bright light and moves toward it. I wonder if the moth knows the closer he gets the more likely hood he can get singed? If so, why does he still move towards it. Each time his wings get a little burnt, yet he continue to moves forward again each time burning off a piece of himself. But the glory of it all is that if he subjects himself completely to the light he will burn away his old self and become a new into anything he desires to be. He is not like the butterfly where cocoons and only has one choice but to become a butterfly.No, he can become anything.
She too is her own moth, yet she is in her own ever changing and growing world. She is a gypsy. She is a magician. She can transforms to become anything. It is only a matter of desire. If she chooses to stay stale and stagnant in her world she becomes disdain and unhappy. Through changes she becomes more amazing, more beautiful, more wonderful if that is even possible.
She makes you want to feel. to feel the world around you. She makes you want to taste it as she tastes it. Being drawn to her can be dangerous, but not being drawn is hell.
She wants you to be drawn to her. She wants to be wanted. She wants to be loved. She wants to be in the world. She wants to be of the world. She wants to live and to love and to be happy.
To be there with her in her world. The world of living and savoring life and it's preciousness, is heaven. It is like gambling and the one who is there is lucky enough to be chosen.
A moth to a flame knew better than those to come around her. The moth sees the shiny, bright light and moves toward it. I wonder if the moth knows the closer he gets the more likely hood he can get singed? If so, why does he still move towards it. Each time his wings get a little burnt, yet he continue to moves forward again each time burning off a piece of himself. But the glory of it all is that if he subjects himself completely to the light he will burn away his old self and become a new into anything he desires to be. He is not like the butterfly where cocoons and only has one choice but to become a butterfly.No, he can become anything.
She too is her own moth, yet she is in her own ever changing and growing world. She is a gypsy. She is a magician. She can transforms to become anything. It is only a matter of desire. If she chooses to stay stale and stagnant in her world she becomes disdain and unhappy. Through changes she becomes more amazing, more beautiful, more wonderful if that is even possible.
She makes you want to feel. to feel the world around you. She makes you want to taste it as she tastes it. Being drawn to her can be dangerous, but not being drawn is hell.
She wants you to be drawn to her. She wants to be wanted. She wants to be loved. She wants to be in the world. She wants to be of the world. She wants to live and to love and to be happy.
To be there with her in her world. The world of living and savoring life and it's preciousness, is heaven. It is like gambling and the one who is there is lucky enough to be chosen.
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Changes
So I realize there is a lot of change in my life right now. I have to keep telling myself a few mantras as a aprt of this change.
Asking myself, "What about this change is good?"
Remember to find inspiration
Be Brave
You can do it
I believe in me
Make a change resume: what changes have I been though, how did I handle them, how did I want to handle them, how do I view them, did I overcome, how did I overcome, what lessons have I learned
Also I have developed new mantras as well that are a part of this change process (hmm process, I keep thinking in Visio and think maybe I would benefit from a a process flow chart)But I digress...
1- speak less listen more
2- remember to be nice but not too nice
3- i do not have to be in control all of the time
4- let others speak for themselves
5- others will ask for help when needed, if not that is their own fault
6- being submissive is not so bad, in fact I like it but not all the time
7- remember to be true to myself
Goals
1- make a positive difference in the lives of others I come in contact with
2-follow through with changes above
3- keep your eye on the goal
4-make money while i sleep (research and consider stack able income)
5- get financial stable
6-rebuild credit history
7-be emotionally strong and stable
8- strive to be better
9-become toned and fit
And I always love myself so I can love and care for others
Asking myself, "What about this change is good?"
Remember to find inspiration
Be Brave
You can do it
I believe in me
Make a change resume: what changes have I been though, how did I handle them, how did I want to handle them, how do I view them, did I overcome, how did I overcome, what lessons have I learned
Also I have developed new mantras as well that are a part of this change process (hmm process, I keep thinking in Visio and think maybe I would benefit from a a process flow chart)But I digress...
1- speak less listen more
2- remember to be nice but not too nice
3- i do not have to be in control all of the time
4- let others speak for themselves
5- others will ask for help when needed, if not that is their own fault
6- being submissive is not so bad, in fact I like it but not all the time
7- remember to be true to myself
Goals
1- make a positive difference in the lives of others I come in contact with
2-follow through with changes above
3- keep your eye on the goal
4-make money while i sleep (research and consider stack able income)
5- get financial stable
6-rebuild credit history
7-be emotionally strong and stable
8- strive to be better
9-become toned and fit
And I always love myself so I can love and care for others
Friday, April 02, 2010
Growth
I feel like I am growing and chaning so very much sometimes it almost frightens me. Others say this feeling is growing pains but who knows. IDK.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Seriously
Does anyone ever stay serious long enough to finish a conversation with me?
Why do I scare everyone away?
My insecurities are showing and I don't like it.
I feel so misplaced and lost and alone.
I feel like I am Phoebe from friends jumping around left or ight not knowing what to do and where to go and what to do.
I am watching Bed of Roses to feel better right now and I feel as if the girl who is standing at the window is me. So much pain and saddness, so much turmoil of what to do and how to do it and how to handle things in my life makes my brain want to explode into a million pieces.
So much so my head ACTUALLY hurts...
LITERALLY...
Why do I scare everyone away?
My insecurities are showing and I don't like it.
I feel so misplaced and lost and alone.
I feel like I am Phoebe from friends jumping around left or ight not knowing what to do and where to go and what to do.
I am watching Bed of Roses to feel better right now and I feel as if the girl who is standing at the window is me. So much pain and saddness, so much turmoil of what to do and how to do it and how to handle things in my life makes my brain want to explode into a million pieces.
So much so my head ACTUALLY hurts...
LITERALLY...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Excerpt from Phonogram Single Comic - Ode to Pipettes Girl
TAKEN FROM PHOGRAM THE SINGLES CLUB #6 OF 7"As soon as the Master Plan struck me, a second thought soon followed. I need [HER]. She has the sort of charisma that can turn a conceptual exercise like this into living magic. Everything she does; she sucks eyes; every dance floor a performance.Misogynist ideas like Enchantresses were begat by people's responses to women like[HER].She is immaculate and monstrous and perfect.
She moves as if she were born to it.aloud is her medium. She was born to it and swims in it and lives in it and I can only think about how, if I stepped beside her, I'd drown. The song is hers.Words like Angel and Goddess are too small for what is contained in her as she moves and shimmies and chases the air as the air chases her. if I looked around, I know I'll find others transfixed. But who would look around?
...She has no need of my project. How could she when she has this? As the song ebbs away, a man joins her. She smiles. He moves with her, but only in the way that deep space moves with the stars. He is merely the presence where she is not."
This excerpt exemplifies me I think. Or else what I would like to think of me. I have heard before being near me and in my presence is like magic. My energy I give off is like fire. I don't know if I trulky am this. I guess if I knew, if I truly thought I was like this then that wouldn't make me who I am and that would be this. So if this is the me that I think I am, am I really?
She moves as if she were born to it.aloud is her medium. She was born to it and swims in it and lives in it and I can only think about how, if I stepped beside her, I'd drown. The song is hers.Words like Angel and Goddess are too small for what is contained in her as she moves and shimmies and chases the air as the air chases her. if I looked around, I know I'll find others transfixed. But who would look around?
...She has no need of my project. How could she when she has this? As the song ebbs away, a man joins her. She smiles. He moves with her, but only in the way that deep space moves with the stars. He is merely the presence where she is not."
This excerpt exemplifies me I think. Or else what I would like to think of me. I have heard before being near me and in my presence is like magic. My energy I give off is like fire. I don't know if I trulky am this. I guess if I knew, if I truly thought I was like this then that wouldn't make me who I am and that would be this. So if this is the me that I think I am, am I really?
Sunday, March 07, 2010
no matter what I do
I t appears in my life as i am learning no matter what I do someone will end up being hurt.I can walk on eggshells, i can try to please as many people as I can, but inevitably someone will get hurt. I know I can't please everyone but I like making people happy. I would sacrifice my life for another so they would get what they want. But if I dare step in and say ehy this is what I want I am needy, greedy, selfish, demanding, hurtful, and so on. Why. Why can't I have things too?
I need freinds and attention right now. I am lonely and I need somone in my life who will understand and support that. I want to be able to have that support from a current friend in my life, without question or ridicule from others.
I have digressed inot different thinbgs in life and am not sure how I feel abotu them myself so it is hard to convey this to others. I know I am happy working. I know I enjoy my apt w my great roomate. I know I enjoy hanging out with her, her frenz and my frenz.
I miss J though terribly. I miss him holding me at night. I miss watching our tv shows together. I miss the way we are together physically. I miss many many things. but through it all even though I do miss those things I think this is good for us as a make it or break it. I was reading in an old blog that I felt J wasn't moving forward at 9 months. It is now 2 1/2 years and I still feel this way. SMACK! What the hell.
I want to be patient. I want to grow and change. But at times I feel as if I am the only one growing and chaning because he doesn't share how he thinks or feels. How am I supposed to know what he is working on if he never talks to me? Why won't men tal damn it!
I want him to feel like he used to. I want him to feel as if he ca't breathe without me near. I want him to makr his terrority and make sure the whole worls knows I am his. I want him to be impressed and proud of me. I want his love his attention his desire.
But just as the rest no matter what I do somoene (usually me ) is unhappy. Im tired of being unhappy.
I really don't wan to make others unhappy. But no matter how much I care for them and try to be there fo rthem, I can't make everyone happy.
I need freinds and attention right now. I am lonely and I need somone in my life who will understand and support that. I want to be able to have that support from a current friend in my life, without question or ridicule from others.
I have digressed inot different thinbgs in life and am not sure how I feel abotu them myself so it is hard to convey this to others. I know I am happy working. I know I enjoy my apt w my great roomate. I know I enjoy hanging out with her, her frenz and my frenz.
I miss J though terribly. I miss him holding me at night. I miss watching our tv shows together. I miss the way we are together physically. I miss many many things. but through it all even though I do miss those things I think this is good for us as a make it or break it. I was reading in an old blog that I felt J wasn't moving forward at 9 months. It is now 2 1/2 years and I still feel this way. SMACK! What the hell.
I want to be patient. I want to grow and change. But at times I feel as if I am the only one growing and chaning because he doesn't share how he thinks or feels. How am I supposed to know what he is working on if he never talks to me? Why won't men tal damn it!
I want him to feel like he used to. I want him to feel as if he ca't breathe without me near. I want him to makr his terrority and make sure the whole worls knows I am his. I want him to be impressed and proud of me. I want his love his attention his desire.
But just as the rest no matter what I do somoene (usually me ) is unhappy. Im tired of being unhappy.
I really don't wan to make others unhappy. But no matter how much I care for them and try to be there fo rthem, I can't make everyone happy.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
My Gypsy Life
I follow my mother on her path as a Gypsy I guess. I travel here anad there and make home where home is. I don't always like roaming but at times I feel as if I have no option. Currently I am in Iowa. I have a small room I share with an amazing person I found on CL. As it turns out we have mutual friends. Small world some might say, but not me. It happens to me a lot no matter what, though I did feel it was very surreal.
I am trying to adjust and get acclimated. Things in my life are very topsy turvy and I have not felt like I belong for some time. Most of my life in fact, but it was nice to have a sense of belonging ever if for but a moment. I wasn't really feeling that in Omaha, but maybe it was my situation.
I am still getting my feet wet being bac in DSM but already there has been an outpouring of friendship and it feels nice.
Not everything is the way I want ti right now, but it is what it is. I am tired of the rug of life being pulled, no yanked out from underneath me. I jsut want to live and not just be happy/satisfied but stay that way.
I have most things I want in life and i know the road less traveled is the one I always choose and I don't care as I would choose it again. I am not financially stable as I wish I could be which entails some of the other things I desire to posses- house, new car, career. I truly do have a goal to make money while I sleep this year and am going to kill myself trying if I have to. Maybe it is as a friend said "acquisitive" and I accet that. Yes I want to acquire what I want. Happiness. the irony of that...that is another's similar goal.
But how ot acheive that is another adventure. One only this new year can bring.
I know what I want and I know why i want it. Yes I ultimately want love and though it may be as my friends say from the movie Sleepless in Seattle "You don't want love you want love ina movie"...well what the hell is wrong with that???
To me all things will fall into place. If a man loves me that way, then he will help take care of me, he will want to share his life with me, he will want to give me the world, and I will want to let him.
I feel as if some thins in my life has digressed but I know it is for the good and all things will work out one way or the other.Until then, I bid you adieu
I am trying to adjust and get acclimated. Things in my life are very topsy turvy and I have not felt like I belong for some time. Most of my life in fact, but it was nice to have a sense of belonging ever if for but a moment. I wasn't really feeling that in Omaha, but maybe it was my situation.
I am still getting my feet wet being bac in DSM but already there has been an outpouring of friendship and it feels nice.
Not everything is the way I want ti right now, but it is what it is. I am tired of the rug of life being pulled, no yanked out from underneath me. I jsut want to live and not just be happy/satisfied but stay that way.
I have most things I want in life and i know the road less traveled is the one I always choose and I don't care as I would choose it again. I am not financially stable as I wish I could be which entails some of the other things I desire to posses- house, new car, career. I truly do have a goal to make money while I sleep this year and am going to kill myself trying if I have to. Maybe it is as a friend said "acquisitive" and I accet that. Yes I want to acquire what I want. Happiness. the irony of that...that is another's similar goal.
But how ot acheive that is another adventure. One only this new year can bring.
I know what I want and I know why i want it. Yes I ultimately want love and though it may be as my friends say from the movie Sleepless in Seattle "You don't want love you want love ina movie"...well what the hell is wrong with that???
To me all things will fall into place. If a man loves me that way, then he will help take care of me, he will want to share his life with me, he will want to give me the world, and I will want to let him.
I feel as if some thins in my life has digressed but I know it is for the good and all things will work out one way or the other.Until then, I bid you adieu
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Life on the Hunter Farm
Been hanging with my sister and her family. It has been good for me to get away but someing here always reminds me of how good I have it and that I DONT have to live here. the girls are always fighting, the parents bicker and it is a stesfful environment all around. But like now I am hiding out upstairs and it is good and quiet and peaceful. Too bad it cant alwys stay that way.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Back to me
So I live my life as days go by
and try not to cry or scream
the undersides of me are not allowed to come out
no one ever wants me
they only want the good parts
but don't want the parts that and underseen
they want the me that gives them what they want
but no one ever wants all of me
my heart is sad
I feel so hurt
why can't you jsut talk to me
when will the day come
that you feel safe
that you feel safe with me
you want the love
you want the sex
you want the care and concern
you want the commitment
you want the milk you just don't want me
and try not to cry or scream
the undersides of me are not allowed to come out
no one ever wants me
they only want the good parts
but don't want the parts that and underseen
they want the me that gives them what they want
but no one ever wants all of me
my heart is sad
I feel so hurt
why can't you jsut talk to me
when will the day come
that you feel safe
that you feel safe with me
you want the love
you want the sex
you want the care and concern
you want the commitment
you want the milk you just don't want me
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Session
The session went well tonight. I need to work on balancing my life again. When I was happy before I had more balance. Not neccessairly Control, but balance. I need to get back to church, read scriptures, pray, get involved in more evening activites as well and make new friends.
I definately am going out tomorrow night to the free concert and have that opportunity to hang out with some potential new friends and some not so new but not really old. Some people I met when I first arrived in the O!
Balance.
I definately am going out tomorrow night to the free concert and have that opportunity to hang out with some potential new friends and some not so new but not really old. Some people I met when I first arrived in the O!
Balance.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Abondonement and Attention Issues
Well, what a way to start off writing in 2008 right? Yeah I know but I need to write it down or I will scream. I went to the counselor last night. I started seeing her last week. Things aer going good. Last week we discussed the point that I over talk people because I don't feel validated when I talk. I have thought about that all week long and I think she is right. I think so many times people have pushed me away or out of the room, they don't ansswer me. I was told all through life "You're not old enough, you're not ready, you won't understand, you won...can't... or something along those lines. That could make me feel less validated in conversation.
So last week lesson = Validation, got it.
This week we discusses that a lot of the reasons why I run into someone elses arms is that I have abondonment issues. The reason why I feel lonely and alone is abandonment and attention. The reason why I want attention so much is the feeling of abondonment not really attention. I feel needy and ngelected but that goes back to abdon.
Well, hmm so lets see here...
my mother left us at age 6. (when I thought about that I started to cry because I thought "wow my kids are going to have abondment issues because of me. I left them at age 3 and 4. What a horrible things to inflic on your children)
Then mom bounced back and forth thru the next few years. Somewhere in 8 yr range I moved ot Califo where she was and lived with her. I knwo dad was in calif for a time but I can't remember if that is when he was there or not. I start kindergarten inIowa. REst of K in Ca, then 1st and aprt of 2nd.
Moved back to Iowa to finish 2nd.
Went on living in Iowa until 10 years old. I don't remember ever talking to my mom. I don't rememerb reciving letters form her, presents, a phone call, nothing. Now I am not saying she never did, but I don't remember them. The hunters got in the way a lot and so maybe she tried like I try with my kids but she couldnt get thu like I cant. maybe she never tried.
Someone in the year of 1980 she came back to Iowa. I often heard her and dad talking about getting back together. They would talk ont eh phone for hours. I would visit her from time to time in town.
One time I heard them talking and dad kept saying something about when he leaves. I asked him point blank if he was going anywhere. He said he wasn't planning on it but if something were to ever happen to him he wanted me to go live with my mom. I remember that conversation vividly as it was only one to two weeks before he died falling off a scaffolding putting up a HS scoreboard. I rememebr the white cord on the phone, I rememebr the shape and look of the phoen, I remem how he was leaning, what he was wearing. I remem.
I went to go live with my mom two weeks after his death. I tried to go to the country school but since my dad used to work there I couldnt handle it. I kept hearing keys and I would go running by only to see it wasnt him. You see I was with my dad on the last day of his life.
I woke up early that day and smelled grannys bread. Dada asked me if I wanted to go to school early with hima nd help out. I ate got dressed and went along. I loved to help him. I loved to hang with him. I was daddys little girl. I had to fight for attention of three other sisters, constant cousins and other relatives and friends. Most of the time I wened up out on the swing singing my songs to myself.
When they told me dad had been hurt I cried and cried. I asknowledged he was hurt. But since I was young they wouldnt let me see him. I wasnt old enough. He died Dec 7 and his funeral was dec 10th. He was a military man, a Vet so they did a 21 gun salute at the grave. Thru the whole thing I stared blankly. I never cried. I jsut stared there at the nothingness left in my life. I was in schock.I didn't beleive it.
My mom put me in counsleing, moved me to th local school to finish 5th grade. At the end of 5th she told me we were moving back to Cali. Even though I grew up there most of my life I never had that close knit of friends. I never had that ONE I talked to always and forever. I would say people were My best friends, but they never said that. They always had someone else they called that. Kids made fun of me in school and so I jsut stayed to myself. I didn't beleive my dad dies until I was 13 when my mom got remarried. Then I was out of counsleing.
I was introveert all through school. I liked to have fun and once you got to know me you couldnt shut me up, but it took awhile and I jsut never made solid friends. I was never ina click. I didn't really care too mcuh that I was leaving my friends, but then again I did.
WE moved and I had all NEW friends to try and socialize with. Every weekend we hung with her family so I mainly spent my time with cousins. my cuz Brenda and I were pretty tight but we lived far away. I nevr had a boyfriend in HS. I never went out on a date. Well, one I snuck away with, but we never kissed and became good friends. I think he is my best friend but he doesn't think I am his. Again, he calls someone else that. He tells me to my face I am his BF and I think he thinks that at times, but not like I do. I went to PRom alone, all the dances alone. My first kiss as one week away from my 18th bday. Then I nevr saw that guy again. While I hung with cousins and family I was molested and I think that played a huge part in my distrust for men and people in general. My mom often blew me off about it and so I didn't really get anywhere. She did put me in counseling again for a bit, but it was short.
At 18 someone I was dating date raped me in front of his friends who were drunk, high and on meth. I stayed with him because he was the only person who ever loved me and I thought I would nevr find anyone else. I started modeling at that time as well and came out of my sheel more and more. After that I started using guys to get what I want. I gave up sex without thinking about it. IF that's what they wanted so badly then fine take it. I thrived off the attention then and relished in all the attention men and other girls men gave to me. I went away to Europe as I planned and wehn I came back my mom had completely shut that guy out of my life. She resuced me. Shortly after I moved to Iowa, not 4 months later.
at 19 I got preggo with my 1st ex and we got married a year later. we met the month after I moved back to Iowa. Shortly thereafter we had another. I wanted otu the marriage and having another kid kept me there and I was very un happy. When I had my first I really had no clue how I got preganant. My mom tried to shelter me so much but yet all that did was hurt me. After my second I got tied. We separated and I went back and forth in my kids life. I relaized how much that had to mess them up, but hindsight is 20-20.
I slept with a few guys, lead some on, dumped others. I dated this one guy who was very much a pretty boy. He slicked his eyebrows and looked in the mirror constantly. he broke my heart. I spent what little moeny I had to go see him when he moved back home to San Fran. I spent a week with his family at his place, but I could tell something wasnt right. I heard him talking to another girl and I freaked out. I questioned him on it and we spent the rest of my trip away from each other. We had sex while I was there and it seemed like once he got what he wanted he moved on. He took me to the bus station and as the driver pulled away I was in tears. I jsut felt it. I knew. I got home a few days later and I called him. He wouldnt return my calls. Finally I called int he middle of the night at 1 am and his mother answered. She broke up with me for him over the phone. I was devasted. I lost my job, I put all his junk in a box and sent it to him.
That was the first and last time someone was ever going to leave me if I had my way about it. So far it has been. I leave and move on before someone can hurt me. I never want to feel that again.
I stayed there for awhile, got another job, but still had a hard time coping. I moved back to Cali lived with a firend until I got on my feet. I got involved with bad crap and ended up losing my job. I lived with my other sister in Cali and then was able to live on my own. It was the first time I ever earned my own wages and lived alone. I was 26. That whole year I was alone. I went ona few dates but nothing really. Nothing serous. I was ok being alone. I had a cat, I enjoyed my life. I finally quit worrying about things and then I met my last ex.
I met S in 1997. I wasn't looking, I was happy being single, I was happy with my work and my life. I was a bit lonely and I was hurt by some of the guys I knew saying I was only looking for a Baby daddy when I didn't have my kids. They were younger and I guess then I knew I didn't want anyone younger than me. Who would understand my life. Through a friend I met S and we hit it off right away. WE moved fast. 8 months after dating he proposed and at 10 months we were married. We were married for 10 years and it wasn't all bad but it wasn't all great either.
But I wasn't happy thru the years in the lack of attentiona and care he gave to me.
I went through major amounts of counseling and many of those times he didn't make time for the counseling whihc made me hurt even more. It showed to me that he didn't care about me. When their was a choice between his family, his daughter or me I was last on that list. That hurt and as years gre I felt more and more abonded by him as well.
I looked for that attention in many other places instead of wher eI should have. I had more than one affair and though I think somewhere deep down he knew he didnt want to know. I slept with someone else in our 2nd year of marriage, tried to buckle downa nd make the marriage work and was good for awahile. About year 5 we went back into counsleing but it wasn't progressive. I went searching again and foudn the attention I was looking for or so I thought. He was married as well as me so where was that going to go? no where. I stopped all communication and moved on. Year 5 he bought me a fancy ring and upgraded things in my life in many ways, but they were just THINGS they weren't LOVE, RESPECT, ETC. I was good for a few more years and then year 8 he and I founght hard. WE were both physically abuse and verbally. I had huge anger issues and really felt I needed something for us again. I was ready to walk and our bishop aked me to give therapy another try. I found a gal I really liked and we went, and I went. My anger controlled but S still put me last and once even left me sitting in the car for the hour we were supposed to be in therapy only to tell me later the other thing was more important talk ing to his boss and he couldn't get away, yet I was only an elevator ride away anda few steps to the car. WE bickered more and more. I don't remember the events leading up to the blow out but we got into it. I tried to push my way away from him and shoved him as hard as I could, he grabbed my arm and threw me down the stairs 2 flights. My heart broke and I jsut don't think I ever recoverd actually. I felt so betrayed by him doing that to me when he knew my ex hurt me physically numerous times. Who could do that to someone they loved? My heart closed off and I didn't want to be near him anymore. There were good days, but overall I wasn't happy.
On top of that my son commited a crime and it brought me down. We had a cahnce to go to I and I jumped at it. I thought "there I can get away. There I can survive and actually leave him. That was in OCtober 2006, we were in I for all of 2007. He lsot his assignment and my changed as well. His took him far away and I relished in the thought of not having him near I could finally breathe. I moved out of the hotel in May and met J in June. S was gone for 2 months by then.
I know I wasn't fair in telling him what was going on. He visited at the end of may and then in July. I asked him to leave in July and promptly drove to see J. I began talking to S about our marriage and thoguht he understood I wanted out. It didn't fully come to fruition until after I mvoed to Omaha to be near J. I was scared to death to move for J, but I felt it was worth the leap. Maybe it was too fast. Sometimes I think it would be better if I moved back away. S and I finally came to terms with him to sign the papers. Now I can move on.
J told me this weekend he liked being single and he wanted to date for 2 years. Now I really do want to mvoe away. The fact that we have now dated for 9 months and things are still so up in the air is weird for me, but I know it is healthy. I know I have a lot of issues to work out. I know he does too.
SO thru my life there were many reasons that would show that YES I have abondonment issues and yes I AM attention hungry. Now what?
So last week lesson = Validation, got it.
This week we discusses that a lot of the reasons why I run into someone elses arms is that I have abondonment issues. The reason why I feel lonely and alone is abandonment and attention. The reason why I want attention so much is the feeling of abondonment not really attention. I feel needy and ngelected but that goes back to abdon.
Well, hmm so lets see here...
my mother left us at age 6. (when I thought about that I started to cry because I thought "wow my kids are going to have abondment issues because of me. I left them at age 3 and 4. What a horrible things to inflic on your children)
Then mom bounced back and forth thru the next few years. Somewhere in 8 yr range I moved ot Califo where she was and lived with her. I knwo dad was in calif for a time but I can't remember if that is when he was there or not. I start kindergarten inIowa. REst of K in Ca, then 1st and aprt of 2nd.
Moved back to Iowa to finish 2nd.
Went on living in Iowa until 10 years old. I don't remember ever talking to my mom. I don't rememerb reciving letters form her, presents, a phone call, nothing. Now I am not saying she never did, but I don't remember them. The hunters got in the way a lot and so maybe she tried like I try with my kids but she couldnt get thu like I cant. maybe she never tried.
Someone in the year of 1980 she came back to Iowa. I often heard her and dad talking about getting back together. They would talk ont eh phone for hours. I would visit her from time to time in town.
One time I heard them talking and dad kept saying something about when he leaves. I asked him point blank if he was going anywhere. He said he wasn't planning on it but if something were to ever happen to him he wanted me to go live with my mom. I remember that conversation vividly as it was only one to two weeks before he died falling off a scaffolding putting up a HS scoreboard. I rememebr the white cord on the phone, I rememebr the shape and look of the phoen, I remem how he was leaning, what he was wearing. I remem.
I went to go live with my mom two weeks after his death. I tried to go to the country school but since my dad used to work there I couldnt handle it. I kept hearing keys and I would go running by only to see it wasnt him. You see I was with my dad on the last day of his life.
I woke up early that day and smelled grannys bread. Dada asked me if I wanted to go to school early with hima nd help out. I ate got dressed and went along. I loved to help him. I loved to hang with him. I was daddys little girl. I had to fight for attention of three other sisters, constant cousins and other relatives and friends. Most of the time I wened up out on the swing singing my songs to myself.
When they told me dad had been hurt I cried and cried. I asknowledged he was hurt. But since I was young they wouldnt let me see him. I wasnt old enough. He died Dec 7 and his funeral was dec 10th. He was a military man, a Vet so they did a 21 gun salute at the grave. Thru the whole thing I stared blankly. I never cried. I jsut stared there at the nothingness left in my life. I was in schock.I didn't beleive it.
My mom put me in counsleing, moved me to th local school to finish 5th grade. At the end of 5th she told me we were moving back to Cali. Even though I grew up there most of my life I never had that close knit of friends. I never had that ONE I talked to always and forever. I would say people were My best friends, but they never said that. They always had someone else they called that. Kids made fun of me in school and so I jsut stayed to myself. I didn't beleive my dad dies until I was 13 when my mom got remarried. Then I was out of counsleing.
I was introveert all through school. I liked to have fun and once you got to know me you couldnt shut me up, but it took awhile and I jsut never made solid friends. I was never ina click. I didn't really care too mcuh that I was leaving my friends, but then again I did.
WE moved and I had all NEW friends to try and socialize with. Every weekend we hung with her family so I mainly spent my time with cousins. my cuz Brenda and I were pretty tight but we lived far away. I nevr had a boyfriend in HS. I never went out on a date. Well, one I snuck away with, but we never kissed and became good friends. I think he is my best friend but he doesn't think I am his. Again, he calls someone else that. He tells me to my face I am his BF and I think he thinks that at times, but not like I do. I went to PRom alone, all the dances alone. My first kiss as one week away from my 18th bday. Then I nevr saw that guy again. While I hung with cousins and family I was molested and I think that played a huge part in my distrust for men and people in general. My mom often blew me off about it and so I didn't really get anywhere. She did put me in counseling again for a bit, but it was short.
At 18 someone I was dating date raped me in front of his friends who were drunk, high and on meth. I stayed with him because he was the only person who ever loved me and I thought I would nevr find anyone else. I started modeling at that time as well and came out of my sheel more and more. After that I started using guys to get what I want. I gave up sex without thinking about it. IF that's what they wanted so badly then fine take it. I thrived off the attention then and relished in all the attention men and other girls men gave to me. I went away to Europe as I planned and wehn I came back my mom had completely shut that guy out of my life. She resuced me. Shortly after I moved to Iowa, not 4 months later.
at 19 I got preggo with my 1st ex and we got married a year later. we met the month after I moved back to Iowa. Shortly thereafter we had another. I wanted otu the marriage and having another kid kept me there and I was very un happy. When I had my first I really had no clue how I got preganant. My mom tried to shelter me so much but yet all that did was hurt me. After my second I got tied. We separated and I went back and forth in my kids life. I relaized how much that had to mess them up, but hindsight is 20-20.
I slept with a few guys, lead some on, dumped others. I dated this one guy who was very much a pretty boy. He slicked his eyebrows and looked in the mirror constantly. he broke my heart. I spent what little moeny I had to go see him when he moved back home to San Fran. I spent a week with his family at his place, but I could tell something wasnt right. I heard him talking to another girl and I freaked out. I questioned him on it and we spent the rest of my trip away from each other. We had sex while I was there and it seemed like once he got what he wanted he moved on. He took me to the bus station and as the driver pulled away I was in tears. I jsut felt it. I knew. I got home a few days later and I called him. He wouldnt return my calls. Finally I called int he middle of the night at 1 am and his mother answered. She broke up with me for him over the phone. I was devasted. I lost my job, I put all his junk in a box and sent it to him.
That was the first and last time someone was ever going to leave me if I had my way about it. So far it has been. I leave and move on before someone can hurt me. I never want to feel that again.
I stayed there for awhile, got another job, but still had a hard time coping. I moved back to Cali lived with a firend until I got on my feet. I got involved with bad crap and ended up losing my job. I lived with my other sister in Cali and then was able to live on my own. It was the first time I ever earned my own wages and lived alone. I was 26. That whole year I was alone. I went ona few dates but nothing really. Nothing serous. I was ok being alone. I had a cat, I enjoyed my life. I finally quit worrying about things and then I met my last ex.
I met S in 1997. I wasn't looking, I was happy being single, I was happy with my work and my life. I was a bit lonely and I was hurt by some of the guys I knew saying I was only looking for a Baby daddy when I didn't have my kids. They were younger and I guess then I knew I didn't want anyone younger than me. Who would understand my life. Through a friend I met S and we hit it off right away. WE moved fast. 8 months after dating he proposed and at 10 months we were married. We were married for 10 years and it wasn't all bad but it wasn't all great either.
But I wasn't happy thru the years in the lack of attentiona and care he gave to me.
I went through major amounts of counseling and many of those times he didn't make time for the counseling whihc made me hurt even more. It showed to me that he didn't care about me. When their was a choice between his family, his daughter or me I was last on that list. That hurt and as years gre I felt more and more abonded by him as well.
I looked for that attention in many other places instead of wher eI should have. I had more than one affair and though I think somewhere deep down he knew he didnt want to know. I slept with someone else in our 2nd year of marriage, tried to buckle downa nd make the marriage work and was good for awahile. About year 5 we went back into counsleing but it wasn't progressive. I went searching again and foudn the attention I was looking for or so I thought. He was married as well as me so where was that going to go? no where. I stopped all communication and moved on. Year 5 he bought me a fancy ring and upgraded things in my life in many ways, but they were just THINGS they weren't LOVE, RESPECT, ETC. I was good for a few more years and then year 8 he and I founght hard. WE were both physically abuse and verbally. I had huge anger issues and really felt I needed something for us again. I was ready to walk and our bishop aked me to give therapy another try. I found a gal I really liked and we went, and I went. My anger controlled but S still put me last and once even left me sitting in the car for the hour we were supposed to be in therapy only to tell me later the other thing was more important talk ing to his boss and he couldn't get away, yet I was only an elevator ride away anda few steps to the car. WE bickered more and more. I don't remember the events leading up to the blow out but we got into it. I tried to push my way away from him and shoved him as hard as I could, he grabbed my arm and threw me down the stairs 2 flights. My heart broke and I jsut don't think I ever recoverd actually. I felt so betrayed by him doing that to me when he knew my ex hurt me physically numerous times. Who could do that to someone they loved? My heart closed off and I didn't want to be near him anymore. There were good days, but overall I wasn't happy.
On top of that my son commited a crime and it brought me down. We had a cahnce to go to I and I jumped at it. I thought "there I can get away. There I can survive and actually leave him. That was in OCtober 2006, we were in I for all of 2007. He lsot his assignment and my changed as well. His took him far away and I relished in the thought of not having him near I could finally breathe. I moved out of the hotel in May and met J in June. S was gone for 2 months by then.
I know I wasn't fair in telling him what was going on. He visited at the end of may and then in July. I asked him to leave in July and promptly drove to see J. I began talking to S about our marriage and thoguht he understood I wanted out. It didn't fully come to fruition until after I mvoed to Omaha to be near J. I was scared to death to move for J, but I felt it was worth the leap. Maybe it was too fast. Sometimes I think it would be better if I moved back away. S and I finally came to terms with him to sign the papers. Now I can move on.
J told me this weekend he liked being single and he wanted to date for 2 years. Now I really do want to mvoe away. The fact that we have now dated for 9 months and things are still so up in the air is weird for me, but I know it is healthy. I know I have a lot of issues to work out. I know he does too.
SO thru my life there were many reasons that would show that YES I have abondonment issues and yes I AM attention hungry. Now what?
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Writing catching up
I realized I havent' been writing which for me usually is a good sign that things are going well in my life. JC said the same about his poetry but the more I thought about it I realized that was not a good thing. WE need to nurture the creative sides of ourselves. Perhaps I am thinking about this more because I am reading The Artist Way by Julia Cameron. I don't know. I do know I am very happy with JC. I dare to say crazy happy. HE is so funny and nice and he amkes me laugh. there are issues that concern me but I am trying hard to take it out of my hands and not allow them to bother me. They are so minute it doesnt matter anyway.
Mostly I feel so much passion for him I feel like I am going to burst! I rarely felt this way with him and even when I did it was in the beginning. There isn't anyoen else for me but JC, or so I feel. I hope things continue moving forward. I am scred out of my gourd because it is all so fresh right out of the relationship but JC and I are there for each other and it is nice.
Although sometimes I wonder if he really is there for me as much I need. He makes so maany jokes when I need him to be there and be serious. I know he is trying to make me smile and be happy but there are times I need to feel.
I do truly care about him and hope we can move forward in life. I want to know more about him and know more about his family. I can't beleive we are already taking a trip together. Others say I am predictable about that and that whenever I take a trip it is with someone. special to me.
I can't wait until one day we can be together. Then JC can fully be on our own, no more drama. No more issues. Jsut life. Jsut happiness. Is that too much to ask?
Mostly I feel so much passion for him I feel like I am going to burst! I rarely felt this way with him and even when I did it was in the beginning. There isn't anyoen else for me but JC, or so I feel. I hope things continue moving forward. I am scred out of my gourd because it is all so fresh right out of the relationship but JC and I are there for each other and it is nice.
Although sometimes I wonder if he really is there for me as much I need. He makes so maany jokes when I need him to be there and be serious. I know he is trying to make me smile and be happy but there are times I need to feel.
I do truly care about him and hope we can move forward in life. I want to know more about him and know more about his family. I can't beleive we are already taking a trip together. Others say I am predictable about that and that whenever I take a trip it is with someone. special to me.
I can't wait until one day we can be together. Then JC can fully be on our own, no more drama. No more issues. Jsut life. Jsut happiness. Is that too much to ask?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
National Convention
Well, Im off to National Convention...hope to have a good week. I need a break and this seems liek a fun event. Iwill get a fair amoutn of training plus be a part of something real not HS like the chapter here is.
I have a hard time dealing with what is going on with N. I want to be supportive but I don't want to be guilted into being there for him always. The poly is scientific and I jsut can't see it is being a set up but I never know what to beleive inthis town in this place.
I know I take in part in this but he still is the one who made these choices and decisions not me. Does he have a conscience at all? Does he even care? Does he have any empathy? Is he a liar? I don't know but if this truly is the person he is I can't do it. I hope that doesn't sound wrong or bad as aprent but I jsut can't.I know why parents disown thier kids at times like this.
So this week I am off to go to Nationals, think of nothing, hang out, have fun, enjoy myself, make new friends, and have a life of my own. I need to have a life of my own.
I have a hard time dealing with what is going on with N. I want to be supportive but I don't want to be guilted into being there for him always. The poly is scientific and I jsut can't see it is being a set up but I never know what to beleive inthis town in this place.
I know I take in part in this but he still is the one who made these choices and decisions not me. Does he have a conscience at all? Does he even care? Does he have any empathy? Is he a liar? I don't know but if this truly is the person he is I can't do it. I hope that doesn't sound wrong or bad as aprent but I jsut can't.I know why parents disown thier kids at times like this.
So this week I am off to go to Nationals, think of nothing, hang out, have fun, enjoy myself, make new friends, and have a life of my own. I need to have a life of my own.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
What a week
This has been a crazy week lately. Issues with a Professional organization I am a part of. Someone walking out. Friends being in the middle. Another friend calling srying over parental issues. Car shopping. Bill paying. Busy at work. Parental guilt issues on my side. And then...my son...again.
N failed his poly AGAIN. I don't even know if I know what to feel or think or act. I am currently looking at a car and having it checked out. while I am waiting they have the internet. After this is over then I am going to see N. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. He says he isn't hiding but the Polygrapher asked him mutiple questions this time and he failed all of them. It IS scientific which is why they use it so why did he fail all of the questions? I don't know. All I know is I moved here for him. I uprooted my life for him. I live for my kids and the never ending story is that you sacrifice your life fo ryour kids and they don't appreciate it and don't understand until they have a life of their own and get hurt themselves.
I have no clue how my visit will go. I had no original plans to go see my mom last night but changed things around. I had no idea nate was going to take his poly but he did. I had no idea he would fail but he did. I had no idea that this weekend I would end up feeling hurt all over again.
I better sign off soon as the keyboard is very cliky and I think I am driving the other guests crazy with my typing. I will update you further on the visit.
N failed his poly AGAIN. I don't even know if I know what to feel or think or act. I am currently looking at a car and having it checked out. while I am waiting they have the internet. After this is over then I am going to see N. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. He says he isn't hiding but the Polygrapher asked him mutiple questions this time and he failed all of them. It IS scientific which is why they use it so why did he fail all of the questions? I don't know. All I know is I moved here for him. I uprooted my life for him. I live for my kids and the never ending story is that you sacrifice your life fo ryour kids and they don't appreciate it and don't understand until they have a life of their own and get hurt themselves.
I have no clue how my visit will go. I had no original plans to go see my mom last night but changed things around. I had no idea nate was going to take his poly but he did. I had no idea he would fail but he did. I had no idea that this weekend I would end up feeling hurt all over again.
I better sign off soon as the keyboard is very cliky and I think I am driving the other guests crazy with my typing. I will update you further on the visit.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Sides
I hate it when your friends say crap to you like, "You know I can't take sides" because really what they are doing IS taking sides with the other person they jsut won't side with you. So because you are a new friend in thier life they couldn't dare side to you over the old friend in thier life so they "cop out" and say they "can't take sides" but that is not true. They "choose" not to take sides because they don't want to be put in the middle.
But I don't think it is wrong to take sides to each level of each person. I am sure that not both parties are correct and they each have issues for and against on thier own side. Why can't the person int he middle say, "I can see where you are coming from?" I am sure they would be able to see that, right? No I guess not.
I get that the friend has been a friend for years, but what am I chopped liver?
I don't jsut want to vent.
I want support, understanding and validation for what I am feeling, thinking, doing.
I already have someone in my life who does not give me that. I don't want to be with people who treats me as bad as he does. I want thier support. Do I have to go through everything by myself, for the rest of my life, always?
I feel more and more like the answer to that is yes.
But I don't think it is wrong to take sides to each level of each person. I am sure that not both parties are correct and they each have issues for and against on thier own side. Why can't the person int he middle say, "I can see where you are coming from?" I am sure they would be able to see that, right? No I guess not.
I get that the friend has been a friend for years, but what am I chopped liver?
I don't jsut want to vent.
I want support, understanding and validation for what I am feeling, thinking, doing.
I already have someone in my life who does not give me that. I don't want to be with people who treats me as bad as he does. I want thier support. Do I have to go through everything by myself, for the rest of my life, always?
I feel more and more like the answer to that is yes.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN ? (Bryan Adams)
HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN ? (Bryan Adams)
To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
To really love a woman
Let her hold you
Do you know how she needs to be touched ?
You gotta breath her
Really taste her
To you can feel her in your blood
Then when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that you’ll always be together
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
You got to give her some faith
Hold her tight
A little tenderness
You gotta treat her right
She’ll be there for you
Taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman.
To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
To really love a woman
Let her hold you
Do you know how she needs to be touched ?
You gotta breath her
Really taste her
To you can feel her in your blood
Then when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that you’ll always be together
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
You got to give her some faith
Hold her tight
A little tenderness
You gotta treat her right
She’ll be there for you
Taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)