Saturday, February 16, 2013
Indifference is a funny thing. If you show you care and get excited about things then the opportunity to be let down is greater. Recently Ben said he felt I was indifferent to things in general. Which made me raise an eyebrow. I think if anything I am one to squeal and giggle and clap and jump up and down about things. But then the more I thought about I realized that he might be right in how I am showing it beforehand.
I do show my appreciation for flowers and things he gets me as well as things my friends and people do for me AFTER the fact. But I RARELY say how important something is to me BEFOREHAND. I keep it inside and say "Oh whatever is fine"
Why am I doing this? When thinking it over I came to the conclusion that sadly so many men have let me down in my life. Recent men in my life ex boyfriends, husband etc said I was too hard to please, I had TOO high of expectations and I wanted too much. I didn't lower myself but rather changed to show this indifference. It is safer. If I don't show that something means a lot to me or that I really wish for something then I can't be let down. Ok, I still get let down but I don't really show that either.
I know I am spoiled. I blame everyone. No really. I do. I blame my parents, my sisters, my friends, my boyfriends, my ex husband, strangers who just meet me and give me things, everyone. If you have ever watch 500 Days of Summer in the beginning they talk about The Summer Effect. People just DO things for her. People just FLOCK to her. People are DRAWN to her. I don't mean to Toot my own horn (ok I do) but this is my life. It emulates me to a TEE!
People are just drawn to me and give me things and not always what I want but it just happens. It is true. I don't know why. I am told it is how I radiate Authentiscm. Um ok sure! I am real to a fault.
But , as I am discussing, for things I want I don't always get. I don't mean like I want a pair of Pink Headphones that cost over $100 and I didn't get them. Yes, that would be kewl but I don't mean that. Those are material things and though My Love Language is Gifts and Praise. I get that. Benis good to me, my family is pretty good and doing that, my mom gives and gets me things all the time. When I get free things like SWAG I just go from NYC when I went to a Fashion Conference I was thrilled. Those things are great.
But I am talking about the things of substance. the things with meaning.
I want someone to propose to me. Sadly I have been married twice and wasn't proposed to either time. They both just kinda happened. To add to that I am afraid of being with someone for four more years for them to decide to move on and NOT propose or to propose to someone else. Yes, this comes from recent experience and though I should NOT let it affect me it does and please don't tell me all the easy ways I should get over it. I am doing well and I am happy for HIM the EX but yet still that stings like no MF tmrw...ok.
Ben is younger than me and so his life plans are going in every direction. We are great together. But I was also great with J and S and others too in the first few years. I followed the men in my life around and some, like recently, with no commitment to me but "Why can't be the way we are". I want more. I can see Ben and I growing old together and being a great couple , sure. But I fear following him to the ends of the earth for that NOT to be the main event.
J always thought it was the "Proposal" that mattered. IT wasn't. It was the fact that with it and a ring and a marriage I felt deeper committed and though you may not want to believe that little piece of paper does say a lot more to a woman that "It's just a piece of paper". At least it means more to me. It is a bond. I was with S for ten years. We struggled. We didn't have it easy but I was there for him and vice versa. We had many trials but I was there. I DO know how to be committed to a person. I don't think it is wrong to want someone to DESIRE and WANT that with me.
Of course, I want all that goes along with it. Marriage to someone I love. A cute little cottage home something 50's style. Me running my business at home or in a small studio. Him going off to work. Me cooking dinner and being a good wife, good homeaker. I know I am old fashioned but that is just how I feel.
Sharing this and sharing how much this means to me in the past has only scared away the men in my life. I don't want to be "Indifferent" to it but at the same time I don't want another person telling me I just want a ring. I have a ring. Ben gave me a ring. A promise ring. It's not the ring. Got it?
But marriage is not the ONLY thing on my mind I am keeping silent about (until now). I desire great success and happiness with my business SensaFashion and my Blog Fashionista Fun by SensaFashion. I do love fashion but more than that I have bounced around with these ideas and trying things out here and there and to and fro because I want to be self sufficient financially, financially independent, I want to make money at doing something I love. I love many things so thus the bouncing. I want to hear my name when I go place. I want people to know me and my brand or product. I guess that is a type of fame. Sharing this with others also can get me in trouble. People tend to look down on those who want FAME. I wouldnt' mind being recognized like Rachel Zoe but even if it were in the town I live I would be happy. Of course being wealthy and famous doesn't hurt right? Giggle and squeak. :)
Then there is my health. I have sever migraine issues. I have sever allergies to mushrooms, coconut and sensitivities to chocloate (I know right) and smoke. As well I took dance for years and my feet and back are a mess. My family has a history of health issues and so I worry a bit. MY teeth aren't great, I need root canals I can't afford, I would love to have Insialign and I really want to try do that VelaShape thing. These are all things I talk about a lot and mean things to me. I am a model. Yes looks matter to me.
Wealth, Health and Happiness in love....These are my A-Listers and the ones I really want. These are the things that bring me much joy more than any other thing in life. I do enjoy life and I love it and life it to the fullest I can. I do desire things and things ARE very important to me. I may not always say them or show them. I hope I always tell you, my readers and my friends and family how much you mean to me, if nto well you DO! I love you.
I am not Indifferent...I am just Cautious...Quiet and learning to sit back and wait. I keep hearing "Good things come to those who wait" so I wait.I do care, I do. I just don't shout these things to the roof tops which is funny to me because those who know me will say I shout nearly everything else! :)
I hope I gave you some insight on indifference in general and my indifference or really my silence to desire.
Until next time...