Tuesday, July 28, 2015

So Much Overhelm

So much overwhelm.

I dont even know what to say anymore.

I really want to get back to that feeling of pece I had when I was in Brave Girls but I feel like it is so very far away.

I don't have that person. In Grey's Anatomy Meredith and Shtina talk often about how they are each others "Person"

Who is my person?
I don't have one.
I never have.
Just when I think I do, I don't.
I have new friends.
I have old friends
I have those who know me
I have those who tell me to call anytime, but they are not my person.
Will I ever have a "person"

I take solace right now in listening to KLOVE Radio and allowing my heart ot feel.
Allowing my heart to cry
Allowing my heart to feel.

I am marrying a fabulous man in less than 20 days away and as it stands I have no family who is planning on attending my wedding. I, like many brides, am planning so much of this on my own, but even my MOH is MIA and who am I to fault her for being so far away?

I am trying to do things on a shoe string budget, which is fine, but damn it would be nice to have help once in awhile. Even the new gal who was gonna help me, of course bailed on me.

I don't share this often but at time I still feel slightly broken from the life that came before me. I feel I will never shake it. I have overcome it, yes and I am fabulous yes, but there is still that high school girl insecurity deep down and I think we all have our demons. Learning to overcome them does not remove us from them, it merely helps us to survive, succeed and move on.

I am the promoter of my business, doing it alone, netowkring alone, and so much alone.

I have become comfortable being alone and at time relish in it. However, there are times, I really wish I had a "person"

Tonight is a rare night, when I think WAY too much is going on and I am holding my own, but I really just want to go off somewhere and have a good cry....

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Fighting for the Dream

I am so frustrated right now that I am just not sure whether to scream or cry.

I am fighting for this dream and I seem to be the only one with the vision.

I am bootstrapping it all the way and trying to get everything ready to go.

On top of that I am planning a wedding, still unpacking from the move, frustrated our house back in Iowa hasn't sold yet and doing everything I can not to go cuckoo!

There is a lack of patience on others part and I am sure it is my own fault because normally I am so responsive that when I am not, they just jump the gun and do what THEY want, not thinking what would be the most help for me or to me.

80% of startups fail.

I am fighting a hard battle and could really use your patience. I may not respond to your FB message right away, your email, or your text. But that doesn't mean I wasn't going to. Give me a breath to answer you, please.

I am a one woman show.

I do not have capital. I am bootstrapping it. Meaning every dollar spent is from my personal income.

I am stressed, in chronic pain I don't show because I refuse to be the grouch,  and frustrated.

I miss my old friends.

I love my new friends, but building those relationships don't happen overnight.

The ones I thought I would see I feel don't care enough to make me a priority in their life. I don't know what to do about that. It saddens me. But what to do.

As always I am alone, the one going and doing everything, alone.

When I want to do social things. Alone.

When I want to do business things. Alone.

I had this misconception that I would be hanging out with friends all teh time and I would come here knowing some people but of course, I am let down because I instilled that expectation and now I have been let down and it is my own fault.

Fighting for the dream to have a successful startup, do your own business, be successful, all of that, takes a lot of work and if I even had ONE person that was that one person I could share all of this with would be so much easier.

I am not giving up the fight.

Just felt the need to vent out my frustrations and I don't even know what to think or say or do anymore without fear of hurting someones feelings or pissing them off if I say something. So like always, my thoughts go out into the sir of the internet...

Maybe others who are also fighting for their dreams will see this. Maybe someone will understand....