Monday, December 26, 2016

The Hardest Year

It's 2:40am and I have been up since Hunepants came to bed at 1 am. No matter which way I turn, my chemo port hurts, is uncomfortable and bothersome. I finally decided to get up about a half hour or so ago because I couldnt' take it anymore and I started getting very hungry. As I finished a show I had been binge watching (FRIENDS) I started balling and crying my eyes out. The only thought that came...THIS WAS THE HARDEST YEAR...

I looked back and remembered this time last Christmas. We were newlyweds, enjoy our first Christmas. First Christmas as a married couple. First Christmas in Colorado. First Christmas away from family.

We sent small gifts and I made treats for everyone. We sent my mother in law holiday cups from Williams Sonoma...this year we drank from those cups and as I set the table, it took all my might not to burst into tears.

In January, sadly right before her birthday, my mother in law passed away. She had Bechets and her immune system was often down. She had a minor cold, that turned crucial. We had just spoken with her the Sunday before. It was all so surreal. A week later she was gone. I was married for five months. Five months and no more mother in law. She was so kind and sweet and loving. Most of all, she loved me for me. I have been married before and I have never felt truly accepted by any of my past in laws, but I did by her.

Looking back, I remember the beginning of 2016. I had such high hopes for this year. I was going to make 200 aprons and donate them to the DSM Womens Club. I as going to be a Mindfulness Practitioner and help those to overcome their trials and adversities in life. I was going to do so many things and accomplish so many goals. I even did the Pursuit of Excellence this year and created a plan in Asana. I thought I was going to conquer the world this year....

Then, death happened. She passed away.

The grief overcame me. We lost her in May but they didn't set the memorial until June to go to Pickeral Lake, where all their family summered each year. Holding onto that pain until June was very hard for me.

It was a culmination of things. Remembering the loss of my father when I was young, losing a mother in law so early into our marriage, being there for Hunepants to be the strength and support for him through this trial and then the hurt from on of his family members who lashed out at me,  constantly telling me to stop being in pain because it wasn't about me. Which to this say bothers me because though I know that mentally, I felt like she was trying to stifle my feelings, and I felt I should have been allowed to feel what I felt.

I found a therapist and learned EFT and talked through the issues. I moved past things. I overcame, once again.

Then I tore my rotator cuff doing my New Year's Intentions to get more fit when I was lifting weights. I found a local doctor and started seeing him for the issue. He was an Ortho doctor and family so I chose him. (later I regretted that) He helped me get the right physical therapy, dry needling for my back issues, and got me back on track physically.

Mid year, we moved apartments to the other side of the building. The week of the move, I got terribly sick. I just kept vomiting over and over. We just assumed it was a stomach flu or something I ate. It didn't let up and I wasn't much help in the move. After speaking with my Chinese doctor, I was given some herbs to help out. My regular doctor was no help at all really. I told him of my issues and complained about bowel problems. He, like all the other doctors, said it was just IBS and not worry.

June we went back to Wisconsin and I felt like I walked around with baited breath. I was afraid I would be overcome again and the family member I had issue with would once again come at me, telling me to stop being so upset, that it wasn't my family and that it isn't about me. I did my EFT training and pretty much stayed to myself. Then another family barked at me for something completely unrelated and I lost it. I didn't even want to spend time with the family out to eat because I was so upset. They never apologized and the matter got swept under the table, like most family issues often are (especially in my family and now I guess this is how his family is too).  The once built relationship I had with those family members now is always tainted in my mind. though I forgive and move on, the apprehension of that issue is still there. The rest of the time, I kept to myself and didn't want to really be around one. I never feel accepted by his family, only his mother in law and his father and Step mom. With the mother in law passed, all I had was the other set of parents and was grateful when they let me hang out with them at  a flea market like I was one of their own.

August rolled around and I remember writing in my journal how much pain I was starting to be in again. I felt he pain was getting worse but I didn't want to talk to Hunepants about it because we had already been through so much that year, and I hate being a complainer. My family is a long line of bitchers, whiners and complainers and I didn't want to be like that.

A few more months went by and the pain in my belly was getting worse. I had problems constantly when I was going to the bathroom and my back was killing me. I kept calling my doctor and never got a response. When I was able to talk to him, like always, he discredited my issues for e mere nothingness.

Come Early October I tried countless times to reach him for my issues. to no avail, no answer, no return calls, even his nurse failed to get back to me. I couldn't take it anymore. I was fed up. I called the Clinic and talked to the head admin. I informed him of my concerns and that I had enough of trying to talk to that doctor. I had seen that there was another doctor int he clinic and I wanted him as my doctor now. I realized I just probably sounded like a bitchy patient, but I knew something was not right in my body, and no one was listening. The admin told me the other doctor was not accepting patients. After beginning a pleading and basically stating that since they are a business they mgiht want to keep me as a "client", that I could either take my business elsewhere, or see if this doctor would take me since the other one at their clinic had no desire to get back to me. LAter that week I had an appointment.

My first visit with Dr. K I am sure to him was an interesting one. I told him of my ailments and issues and to say our first few visits were "rough" might be an understatement. Yet I persisted. My spouse didn't want me on certain meds like Lyrica, I didn't want to be just given meds for everything and continued to complain of lower back pain and abdominal pain.

My friend A comes out to visit and during her stay I see Dr.K again. As I go in she says to me something to the effect of "Stick to your guns" and I smile.

I asked for colonoscopy and we talked about it. We talked family history and I found here and there some issues but mostly uterine and cervical. Dr. K wanted to rule out any issues in that area since that is where the majority of the family history was. I still thought it was something with my colon as it still was taking me two hours to have a bowel and that was with much pain.

In the ultrasound the tech is casually taking pictures of my uterus and calmly says "Honey, do you have problems with your colon ever?" There ya go. I mean, we aren't anywhere near my colon and SHE is even asking about my colon. She take a few more picture near that area and sends me on my way.

A few days later Dr. K brings me in and says there were some spots near the colon and he is concerned and wants to rule out issues and not to scare me, but this may be colon cancer. (How does it feel to be THAT doctor that has to tell you that? I have always wondered. Ar eyou nervous to tell your patient that? He seemed "genuinely" concerned.

I go back to the Touchstone Imaging Center and do a CT. I get a disk at the and as Dr. K told me to and when Hunepants came home we took a look at it. We are not health pros but we do have the ability to look things up online. One our two monitors we have the scan on one monitor and info on CT results on the other...We look left, my scan, look right, info. We look at each other. We both have a sneaky idea this is cancer but though we say it, neither  wants to admit it just yet.

Dr. K calls me the next day..."Don't be scared..." he says. I already know...he is going to say he thinks it is cancer..."I want you to get the colonoscopy asap because we think it may be cancer." I reply that I am fine and that is what I thought. I wonder if he believed me or thinks my BiPolar is making me be in denial. I am sitting on the edge of the bed as we speak. (talk about the edge of your seat) and he tells me he request Dr. N at South Denver GI to do the screening. Now they have something to look for.  This isn't a free screening anymore. Now we are concerned. Things just got serious. I hang up and stare at the floor. My kitties Mr. Dude and Mr. Booties both come nuzzle up to me (which is rare) and I start crying. I know if both my cats are near me, I should be worried.

Keep in mind, I have barely know Dr. K a week or two when all of this is going on. I am a brand new patient and this is what he has to start with. I feel sorry for him having to deal with this and me through this. I try to reach my current therapist. He informs me he doesn't have time for me. I decided I no longer have time for him if during this crisis my own damn therapist can't be there for me. i will deal with that one later.

Less than a week later I am drinking SuPrep and cleaning out my bowels to ready myself fro a Colonoscopy. I get through the prep (which I am told is worse than the procedure and I tend to agree). Hunepants can't take me to the appointment so I ask a brand new friend if he can take me. I have already called 7 people and no one else can. I remember calling my friend A and saying, "After all I have done for others, why is it when I am in need, there is no one to be found?" She agrees. Wished she could be with me for everything.

D picks me up and as we are driving to the test he casually asks "I don't mean to pry but what are we going to the hospital for?" I say, after taking a large gulp, "They are concerned I might have Colon Cancer." I hold back tears. He apologizes and wishes me well. I thank him offer him money for gas, he denies. He mentions to let him know how things go. I say I will.

I walk into the GI alone and start shaking.

I get through all of the paperwork and fill out the slip that says who will be picking me up. the nurse asks me if he is here and I softly reply no. I try not to let this bother me, though it does. I look around and everyone else has someone with them. I am a mix of mad and hurt that Hunepants isn't here with me, but I know he will be when I wake so I try to be ok with it.

The nurses are all great, everyone kind and sweet and sincere. They talk me through everything and get me ready. We go into a small room after I am changed and I meet the anesthesiologist. I feel ok but still nervous. They give me something to put me to sleep and I try to get comfortable, The one nurse tells me to get on my side and be comfortable the best I can because I will be asleep soon. I barely remember raising my arm up then down and I was out.

I woke in recovery and as I barely woke, there was a nurse handing me a glass of cranberry juice, someone pulling back the curtain to let Hunepants in and the doctor is telling me I have cancer. They are doing biopsies but he knows I have a tumor and I need surgery STAT!  He asks Hunepants is he can take me right away to meet the surgeon to get this scheduled. I don't even have my clothes or shoes on yet. DAMN. Now I am pissed. Not at him but at every Mercy Medical Clinic doctor in Iowa for not listening to me. For the back doctors not listening to me. for everyone discrediting me for years. I tried to tell them. Now I am wondering what stage I am. I try not to think about it. I get dressed and we meet the surgeon. Nice man, seems to know his shit. Dr. H. Eveyone in his office is very nice. As we talk I am stoic and he keeps telling me it is ok to cry, it is ok to have emotions about this. I feel like a tank just got dropped on me. The more he talks the more it is sinking in....I start crying now...he hands me a tissue and it appears he is relieved I am crying. Perhaps the not crying make doctors more concerned.

Mind you this is Wednesday and the surgery is scheduled for Nov 1 the following Tuesday. He tells me to stay on soft foods and I shouldn't' have to drink so much glug if I do. It is called GoLighlty and he makes fun of the name saying the makers of that need to change the name because it is nowhere near LIGHT. He tells me I might not have to drink the whole gallon. I hope not, that doesn't sound fun. We stop by CVS, hand over scrips and leave for them to let me know when they are filled. I let them know I had surgery so I needed them right away, but they have to order them because they don't have them. Talk about nervous. Ali, the Pharmacy tech tells me it will be ok and assures me they will have it in time.

We go home and I being to write cards. I pour myself into emotions of letting others know how much tye mean to me. The tech, Ali, the bankers at Wells Fargo, Sprouts manager, my vision place and so on. I think I wrote over 25 cards to hand out and another 25 to send. This is how I cope. letting others know their worth and value.

As the surgery gets closer I panic more. I cry and cry constantly. I have called or emailed every family member I can and put out the Facebook blast about my condition. The outpouring of love and concern is amazing. Here is that support I was wondering about a few weeks ago. It showed up. HARD. I wonder if my mother cried is worry about me. She seemed so strong on the phone but, hello, this is her baby we are talking about. My older son was stoic about it. That was to be expected. My younger son got completely silent and informs me his last girlfriend before his fiance dies of Colon Cancer. I don't know what to say. He offers me love and support. This too, was to be expected. Not that my older son doesn't love me, I know deep down he does, but he never says it. I mean it, I just told him I have Cancer and he still can't say it. I consign that this is just how he is and accept what he can offer me. Math jokes.

The weekend approaches and I am up all Saturday Night. Tuesday is surgery and the day and time are drawing near. I feel like I am having a panic attack. I get out of bed and start reading scriptures and praying. HARD.

Sunday morning. Early. 5 am. I pray for more knowledge and answers and peace and comfort. not knowing what do and feeling as if I will die. The spirit came over... "Call for a blessing". This prompting continues in my head...I decide to go to and find out who my missionaries are.

At 7 am, I called in tears asking for a blessing. I left a message and they called me back. We schedule for them to come later than night and I tell them my story. I ask Elder Mork to give me the blessing and Elder Bjerga assists.

After tears and emotion being revealed and a wonderful blessing, I finally feel at peace.

Tuesday comes. My friend D accepted my request to go with Hunepants and I to the surgery. The staff was very nice, the doctors make me laugh before I go in and I am happy. I feel ok. They joke about not being professionals and I remembering commenting that if they were stuffy, then I would worry.

Surgery is great and I was in recovery two hours.

I remember waking and thinking "I made it! I didn't' die! I am alive!"

I have a whole new lease on life and think, geesh, if people thought I lived life out loud before, just wait!

I do great in the hospital, I sat up right away, I walked all the time, the nurses loved me, I loved them. By Friday I am eating solids and on Saturday Nov 5th I am home. The next week I walk for 3-5 miles each day around Fiddler's Green and think I am doing very well. he following weekend, I have diarrhea for three days straight. Uh oh. Somethings wrong. I call the surgeon, he isn't concerned. I still am. Though, thinking it is just food, I go with the church ladies to CFA and hang out. LM brings me home and I lie down for about 20 minutes. My stomach hurts and again I am worried. I call to see if I can see Dr. K and the admin gets me an appointment. I text Hunepants and tell him he needs to go with me. He comes home ealry and takes me.

I have CDIFF.

I end up on these monstrous anitbiotics. Which to me is dumb because too many Antibitiocs is what caused this in the first place. But I hear it helps. I text my Dr. friend Dr. I. he concurs so I decided this must be what I have to do.

The following week I am no better. followup with Dr. K. More Metrondiazonale. Yay. Not and he suggests a probiotic to get my gut flora back.

Two days later I am better, but he says keeps taking it until it is gone.

Now we are here.

I have seen the oncologist and he alerts me that even if the scan is clean we still need to do chemo to kill any microscopic cells that might linger that have cancer that we can't see. This is th best we can do. I am in denial. Hunepants says do it for him. I don't want to. I want to wait and see what the scan is and then keep doing the herbs and juicing we are doing now. He keeps trying to get me to understand. I give up talking to him about it. We won't see eye to eye. I dont' get why I shoud put poison in my body if the scan is good.

This week was the crazy week.

Tuesday. Scan was clean.
Thursday Chemo class to learn everything I can about my upcoming chemo treatment.
Friday. port put in.

Now it's December 25th. Merry Christmas.

I am still in denial. I am doing the chemo though I don't want to. They wanted to start right away and I halted saying "No, I need to go see my mother and family in New Mexico first" They schedule my first chemo for Jan 9th.

The year is winding down and all I can think of is how HARD this year has been. WTF.

I go through bouts of tears and happiness. Not really sure which to feel.

Today I made a dancing video and posted it online. I am determined to remain fabulous though all of this. Not an easy take mind you. But yet, I smile, and then I cry. My emotions are still close ot the surface and I am just trying to cope.

I will be glad when this year ends, though, for once, I am NOT looking forward to the new year. Six months of upcoming chemo.

Which of these years will be the Hardest Year?

This one...or the next?

We shall see....

Do you miss you hair? And other things I think of...

As I was sitting in the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center today I looked over and saw this lovely woman with a beautiful black and white scarf. I really wanted to say something encouraging but all I could think of what to say so I said "I love your scarf" She said thank you and went back to reading her magazine. Her spouse was next to her looking at his phone.

Though he wasn't paying grand attention to her, I kept thinking "That's nice someone was with her"

The more I sat there I though  Do people who have lost their hair from Chemo look at new cancer patients and start thinking things...

for instance...

That poor girl, I hope she doesn't lose her hair too


Just wait, you will see


Gee, I wish I still had my hair...

I know these are dumb things to think, but nevertheless, I think them.

As I was sitting there, all I could think of was ....

I am so glad I am strong and tough. I don't know many people who could do this, who could handle this. Here I am alone, trying to absorb ALL this information, and most often I am alone and that is okay. Sometimes, one must endure things and battles and fights in life alone to become the amazing person I am meant to be...

My thoughts run away with me more often than not and I swear I think the dumbest things while going through all this...but then I think about my thoughts, perhaps this is what others think. Perhaps it is just me. But jus tin case. That is why I am posting this

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Cancer Waiting Game

I had my PET CT scan Monday. It was different. At Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers, they don't have a stationary scanner. They have a mobile unit so it can go to all the Cancer Centers. Monday was the day they were in Lone Tree, Co.

Hunepants got off work early and picked me up to take me. He wouldn't park where I wanted so I knew I could get to the center and I got a little grouchy. (I feel for him. I have so many emoitions running through me right now, I feel like Jekyl/Hyde. the quote from Forrest Gump comes to mind..."You just never know whatchu gonna get!"

We figured our way around but I was a few minutes late.

The financaial lady came in and informed us that since we had met our deductible this year that this cost was $6,400 but it was fully paid by insurance....

(I dearly hope so after at $157,000 hospital stay, Gi $6,000 and paid a surgeon $6,000 not to mention all the other doctor visits I have had this year to try to figure this out to this point)

Then the male nurse cam in to explain and set up my IV  and took my blood sugar which was 80 at the time. I shrugged and asked if that was good and he said yes. Then he had me take my coat and we went outside then into the mobile unit.

Then I sat in a recliner and he put a crapton of blankets on me and turned on the chair heat. Then he gave me some Radioactive Sugar and had me sit there for it to kick in. Halfway through he gave me some water to drink. Before the scan I went to the bathroom again so I put on my coat and ran back inside, went tinkle then back outside to the mobile unit. (very cold)

Then he had me take off any large metal items, glasses, earrings (to be safe), my colon cancer pins, however, had me leave my nose stud in (so odd)

Then slowly and I mean very very slowly I went in through the scanner. First they sent me all the way through so my head was sticking out the top. Which was ok. I didn't have any issues there. But then, when it got down to my head being in the tiny little tube, I panicked! I had a panic attack and started crying and trying not to move. I called out "hello" in the mic and he came in to comfort me. He said "Only a minute and half. You're doing great!" I didnt feel great, plus I had to tinkle again.

When it was done and I came all the way through, he saw that I was crying and he said "Oh my, I am sorry, I didn't realize you were having that much issue. Are you ok?" I told him I was. I dried my eyes and then put my coat back on and he walked me back to the building. I went tinkle but Hunepants was nowhere to be found. Then we realized he had pulled up next to the mobile unit so I didn't have to be outside long. (so sweet)

Then Hunepants took me home.

Now it is the waiting game.

It is now Wednesday and I still haven't heard anything from them about my results. They said if I haven't heard by Wednesday to call them. I have multiple appointments today and need to fit that in as well as call the GI doctor today because there has been a LOT of blood in my stool again.

Now we are not sure if it is something internal or just my thrombosis hemorrhoids again.

In normal world, most people would write things off. But as a Cancer patient, everything is susceptible. It's annoying as heck.

So until then, I will keep busy today, and somewhere in between contact places and doctors for results.

Until then...I will wait.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

How I Plan to Beat Cancer : Supplements

One of the things that HUNEPANTS got right onto was research what will help kill cancer and one of the main things he found was supplements. Right after I was home from surgery that removed my tumor, was he bought me and asked me to take herbal supplements he found that he found beats or kills cancer. So I responded. Ok.

If you wonder why I am writing all this on my blog is for two reasons.

One: I want to have someplace I talk about all this so if other are going through this too, they have someone to look at that has been through it.

Two: I want to have a place to track this like as if I am in a study. I am willing to try these and other things and want to record all of it, so there is a backing of proof or falsity of doing the things that I am researching and trying, that I keep hearing is more beneficial than Chemo.

Here are the supplements I am taking and have been taking since right after my surgery:

  • Ashwaganda: Kills any cancer in me now
  • Astragulus: Kills any NEw cancers that might try to form
  • Probitic (one with 30 micro living organisms in each pill): Keeps my gut flora healthy
  • Eluthero: For healing my surgery internal and external
  • Vitamin A: Helps my cracked hands and cracked ips
  • Vitamin B12: Energy booster and cancer fighter
  • Multivitamin: Because my appetite is low and I may not be getting everything I need
  • Tumeric Extract: #1 in cancer fighting
  • Two various Chinese herbs from my Chinese Medicine Doctor
    • Xio Yow Wan
    • Gu Pi
These are just the ones I am starting to do now. I may end up doing more. But this is just a start.

I am gonna fight this with everything I've got!

Xo Trisha Trixie

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Happy New Year Chemo!

Oncology Update: Chemo starts Jan 9th, 2017...Happy New Year.

Oh yeah I get to do 12 rounds for 6 months every other week. One Chemo week, One "normal week" then ...a Chemo Week again and so on and so forth yada yada beetlejuice

December 19th I have my PET-CT scan to establish a baseline.
December 22nd I get to go to Chemotherapy Class!!
December 23 my port gets put in
and Then...January 9th, I get to start a long day 4-6 hours of Chemo! Woo hoo! How exciting! Doesn't that all just sound fabulous?

< in case you were unaware that is the my version of sarcasm>

So, with all that, I am running away to see my mother. I leave for New Mexico on December 28th until January 4th. That will give Hunepants a break before i really will need to rely on him. He agrees.

so, you are am I?

Welllllllll...I'm sad.

I talked to my exspouse Scott and he said "That is not a term I remember ever seeing in you the ten years we were married? What does SAD mean to you. Explain."

I chuckled and explained...

Not that anyone really WANTS chemo, that of course wasn't what I was rooting or hoping for. I had all this research and basically was told those are great, but you still need to do chemo to make sure the microcells we can't see that MIGHT have cancer in them, are killed so they don't grow up and become bigger badder meaner cancer.

I now have all these appointments from now to then, and the start of my 2017 is starting with having to be on Chemotherapy. :(

I DON'T want to scream or shout or yell at the world and I have no desire or inkling to yell at God, My higher Power, or The Universe because well, it's not their fault or anyone else's really (with the exception of the idiot doctors in Iowa who could have caught this sooner had they listened to me and just done the damn colonoscopy years ago when I asked), I just am...I don't know, I feel sad.

That;s it.

Just sad.

Keeping My Head Up : Cancer Fighting

Listening to Keep Your Head Up

And thinking about how to do that.

I mean, I am a pretty positive person, but I am also human. I get nervous and scared and overthink.

Today is my oncology appointment. Hunepants is going with me, thank goodness. I don't think that is one I could handle alone. I just don't know what will happen, I have so much I want to talk to him about and I fear there wont be enough time. I also fear what he will tell me. Though, the more I think about it, today's visit might not be so scary as the PET-CT scan and the next visit when I get told whether or not I will have to do chemo treatments. that is what scares me most of all. I really do not want to do chemo. I do not take that advice blindly.

I have read on so many groups people who never got a PET scan and just did chem because their doctor told them they should. I am not that way. You gotta show me proof. I am not going to put poison in my body if I don't need to!

I know I am wishful and hopeful thinking that the scan will show nothing, but you see I believe that the power of prayer and meditation work. And if, per chance the Do find cancer, that doesn't means my prayers didn't work. That just means I still have a battle I need to face. It just means that this was not my time for that answer. I am ok with that.

I AM, however, nervous, scared, in wonderment about results, and dreading the chemo decision, if that is what comes to be.

I just keep breathing and praying that everything works out and if i Do have to do chemo that I will be strong and brave and an example unto the world of how to be and stay positive through this journey, to overcome, to not just be a survivor but a WARRIOR!

Fight the good fight! Keep swinging until I win or at least go down fighting, smiling and loving life

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Why Not, Let's Add Cancer

No one wants to hear those fateful words "You have Cancer" but for me it was real. I wasn't in as much shock as they thought I would be because the more we delved into what was wrong with me, more and more and it started looking like Colon Cancer. After my CT scan, I had a strong hunch. I , of course, didn't want to believe it, but kept preparing myself for the worst news. After the Colonoscopy on October 26th, 2016,  things have been a whirlwind, which is why I am just now getting back to updating my blog. 

Oct 26 found out I had Colon Cancer. Surgery was Nov 1 to remove tumor that was 1in in size and length of my sigmoid. Lymph nodes tested with 5/22 cancer cells still in body.Nov 5th I went home. Nov 14th got CDIFF infection that attacks colon.  Now on major antibiotics to heal. Start chemo in January after incisions heal from Robotic Assisted Laparoscopic Surgery. 

I had barely woken up and Ben was just arriving to pick me up from my colonoscopy and the GI doctor, Dr. Nichols, says to both of us, "Can you drive over to see the surgeon right now? We need to get this tumor out of you, as soon as possible. " He showed me pictures and told me my tumor was so large that is covered my colon and was the length of my sigmoid. He said he had to push through the tumor to make sure I didn't have another one on the other side and was happy to report I did not. However, the tumor was so big that he had to take large biopsy's and the colon camera wasn't bigger than the end of a pen and he still could hardly get through. The nurse has just barely handed me a cranberry juice and I was not even sitting up yet. I got dressed and slowly via wheelchair went out to the car. Ben went to go get the jeep and away we went. 

The surgeon Dr. Hornbarger and Ben and I spoke about surgery and scheduled it for Nov 1st. That was the first day the surgeon could get for the Robotic Assisted Laparoscopic, Sigmoidectemy and Colon Resection. Basically they were going to take out the infected area of the colon, pull it out through my old C-section scar and I would have five small incisions on my stomach where the robot helped.Then they would re connect my colon together and resect it. We discussed any complications and all the what ifs. He gave us pamphlets and had me stay on a soft food diet so I wouldn't have to drink as much Golightly to prepare for surgery.

I left there well informed though nervous about this upcoming surgery. In my past when my youngest con was born the epidural didnt take and they had to shoot locals in my stomach until they got him out and then they put me under. It was NOT a pleasurable experience and left me haunted about surgery for years and this surgery was no different. 

That night I was in a lot of pain and my bowels had huge chunks of blood in them. The next morning, early I called the on call doctor because I wasn't feeling well. Things didn't feel right and my pain level was going higher. They suggested I go to ER and after much crying about it and deliberation, we decided to go. Ben and I got a bag ready in case I needed to stay over and away we went. I checked myself in and then I was put in an ER room. They ran some tests, gave me some Dilauded for pain and then came back stating they thought I had an infection. They insisted I take some antibiotics for this "supposed" infection. I made them argue with my surgeon about it and the final consensus was that I would take them. I was ER most of the day and went home to get healed.

The closer the date to my surgery , the more panicked I became. On Sunday October 30th, I couldn't take the fear anymore. I went to and found the missionaries number to call for my area.I called them at 7 am on a Sunday morning. They called me back and I told them of my situation and asked if they would come give me a Priesthood Blessing.  

They came over that night with some members form the church and after talking a little they gave me a blessing. I immediately felt peace and tranquility come over me. My heart was at peace and I was no longer worried or had any concerns about the colon/tumor surgery. 

A few days before I had to start prepping and did not handle it well. I had a hard time getting migraines and stomach issues. The day before when I was supposed to drink the Golightly, we had thought that is I stayed on soft food, broth, yogurt, jello, etc that I wouldn't have to drink the whole gallon. Unfortunately, I was so blocked by the tumor that I nearly had to drink it all to clean out. 8oz every 10 minutes. The two hours to finish it wasn't enough time. I was down to the last two 8 oz glasses and my body would not let me take anymore. I kept gagging and barfing every time I would take it. The Suprep for the colonoscopy was much easier to take as it had a sweeter flavor to it. This just tasted like yucky saltwater.

I called the surgeon's office to ask them what to do and they said I was ok if it was only the lat two. My bowels were nto perfect, but they were ok with "cloudy" The rest of the night was awful. I was starving and couldn't eat anything. The antibiotics the surgeon gave me were huge and strong. I had to take the Zofan just to get my pills down. 

The day of the surgery , my friend Donna came over and went with us. My mom wanted to come but I felt she needed to stay down in New Mexico to take care of my Uncle and Dad who were not well. She is the caregiver and I worry about her leaving them for me. They are over 70 years of age and I am 46. I felt like I could do it.
With Donna and Ben there, I knew I would be fine.

Right before the surgery me and the doctors were laughing and cutting it up. I felt happy and totally at ease. My surgery was 4 hours and my recovery time was 2 hours. It was a lot longer in recovery than they thought it would be and some visitors ended up leaving and coming back. Evidently, Donna and I had a whole conversation that I didn't even remember when I woke up in my room.

I already knew from the Colon Cancer Support Group I was in on Facebook that I needed to do a few things before they would release me: Walk, Eat, Poo. Almost as soon as I woke, I sat straight up. The next day I was walking with my pole around the hospital. By the next day I was walking alone. And boy did I walk. I walked and walked nearly any chance I could get and I would scoop into every wing of Skyridge Medical Center and just walk. If I was feeling down, I would walk. If I was ancy, walk. In the middle of the night, when I couldn't sleep was when I would walk the most. From 2-4pm was always the hardest for me. I don't know why, but it was. Too many thoughts in my head I guess.

A few days later, more bad news. They DID remove the tumor and I was resected ok, however, there was Cancer in the surrounding lymph nodes so that moved me to Stage 3b Colon Cancer and I was going to have to do Folfox chemo starting January. That , of course, put me in a bit of a tailspin but I had so much love and encouragement from others that I snapped out of it. 

Early Friday morning I finally had a bowel movement. That was good news because then I could move to a more normal diet and get off just soft liquids. The food at Skyridge however was not as good as everything else. People here in Colorado kept telling me they call Skyridge "Spa Ridge" because it was so nice. In every other way it was, however, the food was horrible and the kitchen staff was horrible about getting it to you on time. My hot food was always cold and my cold food was always warm. Blech.

They said I could go home Friday night but I felt safer waiting another day. Saturday they allowed me to go home. The Compassionate Service ladies from the church brought me meals on Monday, Wednesday and Friday to help out and I had a lot of visitors.

I was doing so well and walking at home and walking nearly 5 miles every day and then Saturday, the 12th hit. I had a lot of visitors that day but wasn't feeling quite right after they all left. I started having severe diarrhea. Sadly my loose bowles did not stop and come Monday, I was starting to get worried. I called to make an appointment and they got me in that day. I called Ben at work and told him I needed him to take me and I was worried. He had me call his stepmom Anne and while her and I were talking Ben came home early.We went to the doctors and they had me tested for C-Diff. A lethal diarrhea infection that can be deadly if not caught early enough. A few days later, his office called and stated that I had the infection and needed to get on the antibiotics right away. I had Ben go get them as soon as they were ready and the pharmacist called me to warn me not to take this with any alcohol or anything that has alcohol in it, mouthwash, cough syrup etc as it can cause a violent reaction and be fatal.

However, on the flip side, the doctors told me I could take some Mylanta for my sour stomach  and to get off the Zofran, as it can make it worse. The second day I was on the meds I took some and not long after Ben came home and fixed me dinner did I start throwing up. I thought it was just my migraine as the barometric pressure had shifted that day. The next day when I was feeling a bit better but still sour, I go to pur another dose of Mylanta. AS I was pouring it, all of a sudden I noticed it says it has 2% alcohol in it! good grief! They trying to kill me? No wonder I was so sick.

Two days later, I had a followup with the surgeon and he said I could take some pepto chewables or the drink instead. Otherwise, I was doing well and the incisions were healing nicely.

Yesterday, I had a followup with my Family Care Physician, Dr. Kaiser and he said he is putting me on another round of the antibiotics and to start taking these probiotic pills they carried at Clinix. These ones the Spectra Nutri- Probiotics. These ones have over 30 microorganisms that start getting your gut health back to it's natural state. I am to take them twice a day and Ben to take once a day for safe keeping. We don't want my Hunepants sick as well as me. That won't help me at all. 

This has been a crappy road, but I think It's slowly getting under control. I am taking a b-12 sublingual daily for a bit more energy and it has helped. I also started taking my CBD/THC chews as well and needed to get more, so Hunepants took me to the dispensary so I could. They have really made a difference in how I feel and in my appetite without me having to smoke anything. I like that. 

Most days I am very positive and upbeat and know I got this, I can make it through this.

God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.

There is nothing my Heavenly Father and I can't handle together.

This is just another fall in my life and as I always say, the only thing to do when you fall is look up!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Today is the day: The Colonoscopy

Oh joy of joys. NOT.

I have been drinking "the Glug" as I call it and I have come to the conclusion that one does not need scary clowns roaming the streets at night (this is happening this year for some reason) or horror movies because whatever the hell crawled out of my bottom and died was scary enough. Lordy! They should warn you more about the foulness! Liek give you 1920 gas masks when they give you the Suprep kit or something!

Also, as a such a pain, going around to find all the things you need, broth, Gatorade, hard candies, jello that you can eat, I think at the doctor they need to have that ready for purchase to buy as well that they have worked out with some company that has already packaged all that together for you and you get to pick "So do you want Lime or Lemon?" Because really, those are nearly the only choices you have since you can't have anything red or purple! you know like a Colonoscopy Pre-Prep Kit! I think my Entrepreneur brain is always on. :)

I barely slept last night.

The reality of all this is finally hitting me.

I am nervous now.

Why did they ever tell me they "thought" it could be Cancer? Why would a doctor even say that until they have conclusive evidence? I guess to scare me enough to make sure I do this test to rule things out. But what is funny about all that is "I" was the proponent of this test being desired!

I have been talking to doctors about this for ten years, at least!! Everyone discredited me...

"Oh, it's just IBS"

"Oh, you can't have anything serious, you are too young"

"Oh I am sure you are fine"

Do you know how frustrating it is as a woman to have a doctor keep telling you that year after year and then, to finally have a doctor listen to you and they start freaking out about it MAY be CANCER???

The more I think about this, the more it makes me want to know where the mishap started? When did I first bring this up? My records ARE being pulled so maybe my current doctor and I can shed some light onto that. Even with my current doctor, I am sure I brought this up to the clinic before and the previous doctor did nothing about it.

I think I need to look into this. That is one thing on my mind that kept me awake.

The other thing is the procedure itself. I have a watched a few YouTube videos and looked things up online, but how do we really prepare. Suffice it to say, I am nervous. Plain and simple.

HunePants can't drop me off but a new friend is going to drop me off early and then HunePants is going to be there when I am done and be there when the doctor tells me the results and take me home. To me that is the most important. Selfishly I would like him to be there for everything, but what if it is all nothing? His work pays the bills so he needs to be at work.

My friend asked me for a manifestation for myself. I really had to think about that one. I mean how can I say "Let it be nothing" If it is something already, it is not going to be nothing. It is going to be what it is going to be. Hopefully they can get whatever it is when they are in there, but maybe they can't. Maybe this is just another one of those challenges and adversities inlife I am supopsed to face, to deal with to be an example to others for.

I mean, isn't that my lot in life?

I have come to accept this is so.

I don't really see a way out of that.

If that be so, then what manifestation do I give to her to say for me?

For now, I just said" That they can get what they need when they are in there" That could be a biopsy, the polyps,  who knows.

Until later and we know more, I don't know what else to do.

I believe I have led a life well lived. I believe I have made a difference in the lives of many. I believe this is my lot in life. I know that I have touched lives and changed many. I know I will be remembered if anything WERE to happen to me. Aside from is just a procedure and there is no sense worrying over nothing.

Today is a day life has given me the chance to be brave and so I shall.

Life up to my motto...

Be brave
Be bold
Be fearless and above all...

Be Fabulous.

xoxo Trisha Trixie

Friday, October 21, 2016

When Faced with a Scare: Be Brave

I have had a series of issues that has gotten more sever as of late. I fired my last doctor as I felt like I was being heard and switched to another doctor in the same facility. One of the first things I asked for was a colonoscopy and mentioned my back pain. This has only been a short time, within the last two weeks that I have seen him and I have already seen him three times and had blood work, a pelvic ultrasound and a CT done.

Based on the things I have said mixed with the symptoms they are quite concerned that I might have Colon Cancer. The doctor has called me, talked to me and called me back into his office. I would suffice it to say, they are worried. When he called me he said " Take a breath, don't panic" I said, "Im not" and I think it shocked him.

Why am I not freaking out?

I saw this coming.

I mean, I knew. I kept telling doctors over and over that I felt something was wrong with my colon but kept getting dismissed. I think it is because I look so young and no one thinks that this is something I could have.

I was diagnosed years ago with IBS and to not eat this eat that kind of thing and so I changed my diet but to that avail there is only so much diet change and cleanses one person can do. Yes, I felt better after a cleanse, but then a week or so later, I felt like crud again.

That is why I switched doctors. I truly felt like no one was listening.

I like I think many people do when they hear news like this, started looking things up online.

Life expectancy, what are the symptoms (yep I have them, lo and behold, including severe back pain), then I see there are certain stages of the cancer, well, duh, yeah I guess I knew that, but then I start wondering, well, if I haven't been heard all these years, and the doctor keeps telling me the CT scan is even more concerning and when I looked at it I saw all these black dots on my colon, what does that mean?

It means for now, I have to get a colonoscopy where they shove a camera up my butt and see more of what is going on.  Then they will be better able to get a better picture fo what everything looks like nd see how bad things are. I think that means they might also get a biopsy and see if things are or aren't cancerous.

As far as the life expectancy, so I guess 5 years is the usual norm they tell people but people tend to live past that date. Here is the odd thing. When I was in my 20's I always thought I was never going to live past 25. I don't know why, it was just something I felt. I always felt that in my life, I was going to have some crazy thing, like cancer, or be paralyzed or some whackadoodle thing that was going to be a great adversity. I had always had trials up until that time and on through life I did continue to have trials and adversity. Thus why I am currently writing my book. Wow , does that make me want to get my book written even faster!

I would not be surprised is what I am saying if they said I had it. Cancer I mean.

Do I want it? Hell no. But I wouldn't be surprised.

Last night Hunepants and I were cuddling and I starting crying a bit and said

 "Honey, I'm a bit scared and nervous"

He said "It's ok honey, you're strong. Besides we have each other"

(or something like that)

We talked about how he had me to be there for him during his mother's passing and how because we have each other everything will be ok.

I know it will be.

Just because I knew it could happen doesn't mean this all doesn't scare the beejeebies out of me.

IT does.

But I know I have my Higher Power, and my HunePants on my side.

Until I know more, there is no reason to freak out about anything else. On that note, I hope I don't freak out anyway. Life is what is. When faced with adversity it is how we handle these challenges life throws at us. I hope and pay I handle this with with grace and courage and bravery.

And fabulousenss...of course. :)

Until next time,

Trisha Trixie

Thursday, October 06, 2016

Whose There for You?

I was thinking about this last night, late in the night when I couldn't sleep. Whose there for you? Mostly, whose there for me? Not in a mean way, or in a pity way, but in a "taking stock" kind of way.

I make friends easily but then I lose friends easy too.

Some come and stay and they become my best of friends. Friends I could never imagine being without. Friends that have been my friends for 5, 8, 10 years even!

Then there are friends I met and they whipped through my life for a mere year and I thought they were going to be my friends forever.

Of course, then there are those friends, I thought I was never going to get along with and then they ended up becoming my bestie, or my personal assistant and I don't even know what I would have done without them.

But in the end, out of all those"friends" who is really "there for for me"

This is what I was thinking about last night, in the "wee hours" and that is what made me sad.

Why? You ask? Because, in one.

My spouse. He is there for me. I am glad that is true, thank god, because there was a time, in past marriages, that wasn't even the case. If my exes ever read this, I am not trying to be mean, but it is true. My first ex and I had so many trials we never got along and were always arguing he was never there, he was always standing up for his parents. My second ex was always traveling trying to make ends meet.

Hunepants, however, is always there for me. He even got a VOIP phone so he could work from home on Tuesdays just because I said I missed him so much because I have been in so much pain and needed him around more. He takes care of me when needed. He truly IS there for me.

I am there for my friends. I run errands for them. I take them places. I go do things for them when needed. I offer to help without being asked. I take them to appointment when they can't drive themselves. I watch their children when no one else will offer to help, not even their own family. I listen to them when they are going through trials. I go do their dishes and clean their house at no request, just because I know it is needed. I send cards and notes and I always try to make sure they know they are loved.

I am saying these things for any pats on the back here. I am saying this so you understand that I would do anything for my friends. I would walk through fire for them, I go the distance....yet...

When I have been laid up for the past two weeks, did anyone offer to come take care of me? Did anyone come over to my house and offer to help do my dishes? Clean my floors? Help cook my meals? Did anyone even order me pizza? Did anyone even send flowers or cards even? Did I even get calls? One or two? Was anyone concerned?

It's not like NO ONE cares. I do have two friends coming out to see me and that makes me feel good. I did have two friends call and that is good and I am grateful, I am.  I really am.

I just feel so "disheartened" I guess that I do SO MUCH for my friends and at times I feel like they do so little for me.

I am a Chronic Pain Sufferer.

I have been down for nearly two weeks now. It sucks. My spouse has done dishes, fed cats and fed me. The other day he came home and I was in so much pain I nearly begged him to take me to the hospital. I don't say much but I have not been quiet about this recent occurrence on social media.

Have I specifically reached out to anyone? No. But neither did those other people to me and I came tot he call. Maybe people are blind. Maybe they need a smack on the head. I don't know. Maybe people don't care about me as much as I care about them. I don't know.

I just feel sad that sometimes that people are not there for me as much I am there for them. That locally I don't have the support that I desire.  This is my life. I have never felt that and I feel like I have been "jipped"! I feel like other people have those besties and friends that do those things for them and I don't. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just "feel bad" because I am "feeling bad", I don't know, I just know that I don't feel  like I have that "person". I don't feel like I ever had that person or persons and I don't feel like I ever will and I wonder if I ever will.

Do you? Whose there for you?

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Sanctuary Sunday: Control & Influence In Husbands

Today's Sanctuary Sunday is taken from the Sanctuary: Devotional bible for Women. Page 1455, Thursday Daily Sanctuary. I don't always read them in the right order anymore, since I have had this bible for years and years. Now I read it, more as a helpmate, opening it here or there for answers, as needed. Funny, in a, "divine intervention sort of way" that THIS is where I opened it to today because recently HunEPants and I had a hard time after just celebrating our first year of marriage, also learning about compromise, learning what ownership and responsibilities in the home were and learning about what each other's expectations of the other were. In some ways, it WAS about control.

Control of expectations, more than anything else and how we CAN'T control expectations anymore than we can control the other spouse. Enjoy this article and at the end read on for my comments to the article.

"Control is something every wife at times wishes she could have in reality-especially when circumstances swerve dizzying out of reach, breaking through our emotional defenses...

When it comes to our husband, of course, we do everything in our power to protect him from hurt and harm. That number of our husband's life events and experiences that we may influence but can't ultimately  control, however, is much larger than we may admit. When I'm tempted to forget this fact, I find it helpful to reflect on the following noteworthy list:

Events, Experience, and Personal Traits 
That I May Influence-But Can't Control-In My Husband's Life

  • his personality and temperament
  • his aptitudes, skills, and abilities
  • his emotional, social, and spiritual growth...
  • his conversion, and devotion to Christ
  • his level of career achievement
  • his financial and social status
  • the use of his gifts and talents
  • his size, appearance, and fitness level
  • his decisions to engage in healthy or unhealthy habits: diet, exercise, smoking, alcohol use, overworking, overspending, and so on
  • his passions, preferences, and personal tastes
  • his state of happiness and emotional well being
Instead of seeking control, we can recognize God's handiwork in every moment, at each stage of life, whether it's painful or pleasurable, easy or difficult, frustrating, or satisfying...Though we can't view the entire picture yet, we can rest in the assurance that the Lord faithfully loves our husband and is tenderly working for his good, even in the tiniest details. the sovereign Painter is creating a priceless masterpiece. WE can trust Him to complete his job-perfectly. "

After reading this, I thought, "This is good advice for WIVES, but even more so for those in the DATING world. ESPECIALLY for those who want those men they are dating to BE their husbands. Men don't want to be shaped or formed or molded anymore than women do! I am sure we all don't mind a little nudge here or there in the right direction. I have been with men who helped me want to be a better women and I have had men tell me I make them want to be a better man. That is GOOD! it SHOULD be that way! we SHOULD inspire, encourage and uplift each other to be better people in this world. Just not CONTROL each other or try to control each other.

I like the "Noteworthy  List". I have never seen or heard of that before. I am definitely gonna print that off and post that where I can see it and maybe even make a small copy and put on in my wallet to remind me that those are things I can INFLUENCE, not CONTROL. 

I think they will be great reminders for me, and you ladies, as well, that you CAN make a difference in your man's life! You ARE something to him. Just look at this list!! You matter to him! Men are not like us. They don't going around giving people kudos all the time. Now if you told him you dind't mind a few whack on the ass, a few thumbs ups and a few literal HIGH FIVES, you would probably get more appreciation! If you are good with that, let him know! If not, then you are going to have to settle for knowing inside and taking the thanks he gives you and knowing that you DO make a difference and you matter to him!


I'm a dork.

I ask hunepants questions all the time for affirmations...

"do I matter to you?"

"Yes hunzpants"

"do you love me?"

"Of course I do hunzpants!"

"Did you like the food I made you for lunch?

"Yes, I thought it was great!"

"Do you love me?"

"I love you 7"

"Is that good?

"Yes because nobody can love 10, it's just impossible"

"Ok then, good to know"

(Yes, we are silly like that)

My point is, what I can't control , I ask. Other than that, I influence what I can. That is all us wives can do. Other than that, we have to know in our hearts that we are loved and when we don't know, use the mouths you were given and ask. And remember, this is for married and unmarried women too. We all can influence the men in our lives and the men in our lives DO care about us.

they just don't always have a way of showing it.

As more than ONE man has said to me in a lifetime....


Until Next Time,

Trisha Trixie

Sanctuary Bible for Women can be bought on Amazon

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Trixie Thoughts: Be the Best Brand of You

I have come to notice, or so it appears, that people who go to events, networking, panels, etc who tend to say things like

"Those people are being snobs and so on, or who say they didn't get anything out of it, or just whine and complain, most likely tend to be the ones who..

~need to listen the most
~need to expand their minds
~need to maybe take a step back and realize, hey maybe THEY are the problem not the other people
~need to realize THEY are their brand and how they talk about others or the event, does get back around and that will end up hurting your business, not helping it
~also need to realize they perhaps need more GIVE and less TAKE
~perhaps this isn't the right place for you, maybe this isn't your tribe
~perhaps YOU are the snob by judging and looking down on them for being who they are (didn't think of that one did ya)

If you are unhappy with the event, try to find something positive about it.

If you are unhappy with the people, try to be the type of person you want others to be.

If you are unhappy, do something about it more than bitch, whine and complain about it.

Turn it into a positive. Go befriend someone else. find someone you connect with. Speak up. Be nice....

From doing vendor shows and speaking engagements I see and hear this so often, it starts setting in... that realization that there is so much to offer and learn and grow at these kinds of things, but if you don't open yourself up to others, you will always be the one who thinks everyone else is wrong, your way is right, they are mean, they are snobs, they are..BLANK. THEY...never "YOU" meaning the "I" in you.

Character building is never easy, but if you really want to grow in your life, in business, as anything, there comes a time that to fully grow and succeed, one must do this for themselves. How do you expect to sell anything, get people to buy your product, or even desire to do business with you in any form or fashion, fi you always have a negative attitude about the people you are around when one goes to things like this.

I go to every event, no matter what it is with an open mind. I don't even have "expectations" as much as possible based on a quote by Tony Robbins...

"Trade Expectation for Appreciation"

It is not even about lowering your standards or expectations, it is mostly about not having them at all and not going with any pre-conceived notion of how the people will be, the speaker will be, or how the class will be. Just go with a positive intent. Like, an intent to learn new things, or an intent to meet new people, or an intent just get our of the house and do something more than sit on the internet all damn day or in most often, a hidey hole hidden away from the world because you didn't like this or that.

Products don't sell themselves.

People sell products.

Brands are the identity.

YOU are the brand.

Be the best brand of YOU.

Right Click and Save if you would like to post this or remember it for yourself !!


I truly think if people could just "get that" in their minds, there would be a lot less complaining and a lot more happiness in their life.

Until Next Time,

Xo, Trisha Trixie