Oh joy of joys. NOT.
I have been drinking "the Glug" as I call it and I have come to the conclusion that one does not need scary clowns roaming the streets at night (this is happening this year for some reason) or horror movies because whatever the hell crawled out of my bottom and died was scary enough. Lordy! They should warn you more about the foulness! Liek give you 1920 gas masks when they give you the Suprep kit or something!
Also, as a such a pain, going around to find all the things you need, broth, Gatorade, hard candies, jello that you can eat, I think at the doctor they need to have that ready for purchase to buy as well that they have worked out with some company that has already packaged all that together for you and you get to pick "So do you want Lime or Lemon?" Because really, those are nearly the only choices you have since you can't have anything red or purple! you know like a Colonoscopy Pre-Prep Kit! I think my Entrepreneur brain is always on. :)
I barely slept last night.
The reality of all this is finally hitting me.
I am nervous now.
Why did they ever tell me they "thought" it could be Cancer? Why would a doctor even say that until they have conclusive evidence? I guess to scare me enough to make sure I do this test to rule things out. But what is funny about all that is "I" was the proponent of this test being desired!
I have been talking to doctors about this for ten years, at least!! Everyone discredited me...
"Oh, it's just IBS"
"Oh, you can't have anything serious, you are too young"
"Oh I am sure you are fine"
Do you know how frustrating it is as a woman to have a doctor keep telling you that year after year and then, to finally have a doctor listen to you and they start freaking out about it MAY be CANCER???
The more I think about this, the more it makes me want to know where the mishap started? When did I first bring this up? My records ARE being pulled so maybe my current doctor and I can shed some light onto that. Even with my current doctor, I am sure I brought this up to the clinic before and the previous doctor did nothing about it.
I think I need to look into this. That is one thing on my mind that kept me awake.
The other thing is the procedure itself. I have a watched a few YouTube videos and looked things up online, but how do we really prepare. Suffice it to say, I am nervous. Plain and simple.
HunePants can't drop me off but a new friend is going to drop me off early and then HunePants is going to be there when I am done and be there when the doctor tells me the results and take me home. To me that is the most important. Selfishly I would like him to be there for everything, but what if it is all nothing? His work pays the bills so he needs to be at work.
My friend asked me for a manifestation for myself. I really had to think about that one. I mean how can I say "Let it be nothing" If it is something already, it is not going to be nothing. It is going to be what it is going to be. Hopefully they can get whatever it is when they are in there, but maybe they can't. Maybe this is just another one of those challenges and adversities inlife I am supopsed to face, to deal with to be an example to others for.
I mean, isn't that my lot in life?
I have come to accept this is so.
I don't really see a way out of that.
If that be so, then what manifestation do I give to her to say for me?
For now, I just said" That they can get what they need when they are in there" That could be a biopsy, the polyps, who knows.
Until later and we know more, I don't know what else to do.
I believe I have led a life well lived. I believe I have made a difference in the lives of many. I believe this is my lot in life. I know that I have touched lives and changed many. I know I will be remembered if anything WERE to happen to me. Aside from that....today is just a procedure and there is no sense worrying over nothing.
Today is a day life has given me the chance to be brave and so I shall.
Life up to my motto...
Be fearless and above all...
xoxo Trisha Trixie
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Friday, October 21, 2016
I have had a series of issues that has gotten more sever as of late. I fired my last doctor as I felt like I was being heard and switched to another doctor in the same facility. One of the first things I asked for was a colonoscopy and mentioned my back pain. This has only been a short time, within the last two weeks that I have seen him and I have already seen him three times and had blood work, a pelvic ultrasound and a CT done.
Based on the things I have said mixed with the symptoms they are quite concerned that I might have Colon Cancer. The doctor has called me, talked to me and called me back into his office. I would suffice it to say, they are worried. When he called me he said " Take a breath, don't panic" I said, "Im not" and I think it shocked him.
Why am I not freaking out?
I saw this coming.
I mean, I knew. I kept telling doctors over and over that I felt something was wrong with my colon but kept getting dismissed. I think it is because I look so young and no one thinks that this is something I could have.
I was diagnosed years ago with IBS and to not eat this eat that kind of thing and so I changed my diet but to that avail there is only so much diet change and cleanses one person can do. Yes, I felt better after a cleanse, but then a week or so later, I felt like crud again.
That is why I switched doctors. I truly felt like no one was listening.
I like I think many people do when they hear news like this, started looking things up online.
Life expectancy, what are the symptoms (yep I have them, lo and behold, including severe back pain), then I see there are certain stages of the cancer, well, duh, yeah I guess I knew that, but then I start wondering, well, if I haven't been heard all these years, and the doctor keeps telling me the CT scan is even more concerning and when I looked at it I saw all these black dots on my colon, what does that mean?
It means for now, I have to get a colonoscopy where they shove a camera up my butt and see more of what is going on. Then they will be better able to get a better picture fo what everything looks like nd see how bad things are. I think that means they might also get a biopsy and see if things are or aren't cancerous.
As far as the life expectancy, so I guess 5 years is the usual norm they tell people but people tend to live past that date. Here is the odd thing. When I was in my 20's I always thought I was never going to live past 25. I don't know why, it was just something I felt. I always felt that in my life, I was going to have some crazy thing, like cancer, or be paralyzed or some whackadoodle thing that was going to be a great adversity. I had always had trials up until that time and on through life I did continue to have trials and adversity. Thus why I am currently writing my book. Wow , does that make me want to get my book written even faster!
I would not be surprised is what I am saying if they said I had it. Cancer I mean.
Do I want it? Hell no. But I wouldn't be surprised.
Last night Hunepants and I were cuddling and I starting crying a bit and said
"Honey, I'm a bit scared and nervous"
He said "It's ok honey, you're strong. Besides we have each other"
(or something like that)
We talked about how he had me to be there for him during his mother's passing and how because we have each other everything will be ok.
I know it will be.
Just because I knew it could happen doesn't mean this all doesn't scare the beejeebies out of me.
But I know I have my Higher Power, and my HunePants on my side.
Until I know more, there is no reason to freak out about anything else. On that note, I hope I don't freak out anyway. Life is what is. When faced with adversity it is how we handle these challenges life throws at us. I hope and pay I handle this with with grace and courage and bravery.
And fabulousenss...of course. :)
Until next time,
Thursday, October 06, 2016
I was thinking about this last night, late in the night when I couldn't sleep. Whose there for you? Mostly, whose there for me? Not in a mean way, or in a pity way, but in a "taking stock" kind of way.
I make friends easily but then I lose friends easy too.
Some come and stay and they become my best of friends. Friends I could never imagine being without. Friends that have been my friends for 5, 8, 10 years even!
Then there are friends I met and they whipped through my life for a mere year and I thought they were going to be my friends forever.
Of course, then there are those friends, I thought I was never going to get along with and then they ended up becoming my bestie, or my personal assistant and I don't even know what I would have done without them.
But in the end, out of all those"friends" who is really "there for for me"
This is what I was thinking about last night, in the "wee hours" and that is what made me sad.
Why? You ask? Because, in reality....no one.
My spouse. He is there for me. I am glad that is true, thank god, because there was a time, in past marriages, that wasn't even the case. If my exes ever read this, I am not trying to be mean, but it is true. My first ex and I had so many trials we never got along and were always arguing he was never there, he was always standing up for his parents. My second ex was always traveling trying to make ends meet.
Hunepants, however, is always there for me. He even got a VOIP phone so he could work from home on Tuesdays just because I said I missed him so much because I have been in so much pain and needed him around more. He takes care of me when needed. He truly IS there for me.
I am there for my friends. I run errands for them. I take them places. I go do things for them when needed. I offer to help without being asked. I take them to appointment when they can't drive themselves. I watch their children when no one else will offer to help, not even their own family. I listen to them when they are going through trials. I go do their dishes and clean their house at no request, just because I know it is needed. I send cards and notes and I always try to make sure they know they are loved.
I am saying these things for any pats on the back here. I am saying this so you understand that I would do anything for my friends. I would walk through fire for them, I go the distance....yet...
When I have been laid up for the past two weeks, did anyone offer to come take care of me? Did anyone come over to my house and offer to help do my dishes? Clean my floors? Help cook my meals? Did anyone even order me pizza? Did anyone even send flowers or cards even? Did I even get calls? One or two? Was anyone concerned?
It's not like NO ONE cares. I do have two friends coming out to see me and that makes me feel good. I did have two friends call and that is good and I am grateful, I am. I really am.
I just feel so "disheartened" I guess that I do SO MUCH for my friends and at times I feel like they do so little for me.
I am a Chronic Pain Sufferer.
I have been down for nearly two weeks now. It sucks. My spouse has done dishes, fed cats and fed me. The other day he came home and I was in so much pain I nearly begged him to take me to the hospital. I don't say much but I have not been quiet about this recent occurrence on social media.
Have I specifically reached out to anyone? No. But neither did those other people to me and I came tot he call. Maybe people are blind. Maybe they need a smack on the head. I don't know. Maybe people don't care about me as much as I care about them. I don't know.
I just feel sad that sometimes that people are not there for me as much I am there for them. That locally I don't have the support that I desire. This is my life. I have never felt that and I feel like I have been "jipped"! I feel like other people have those besties and friends that do those things for them and I don't. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just "feel bad" because I am "feeling bad", I don't know, I just know that I don't feel like I have that "person". I don't feel like I ever had that person or persons and I don't feel like I ever will and I wonder if I ever will.
Do you? Whose there for you?