So Much Overhelm

So much overwhelm.

I dont even know what to say anymore.

I really want to get back to that feeling of pece I had when I was in Brave Girls but I feel like it is so very far away.

I don't have that person. In Grey's Anatomy Meredith and Shtina talk often about how they are each others "Person"

Who is my person?
I don't have one.
I never have.
Just when I think I do, I don't.
I have new friends.
I have old friends
I have those who know me
I have those who tell me to call anytime, but they are not my person.
Will I ever have a "person"

I take solace right now in listening to KLOVE Radio and allowing my heart ot feel.
Allowing my heart to cry
Allowing my heart to feel.

I am marrying a fabulous man in less than 20 days away and as it stands I have no family who is planning on attending my wedding. I, like many brides, am planning so much of this on my own, but even my MOH is MIA and who am I to fault her for being so far away?

I am trying to do things on a shoe string budget, which is fine, but damn it would be nice to have help once in awhile. Even the new gal who was gonna help me, of course bailed on me.

I don't share this often but at time I still feel slightly broken from the life that came before me. I feel I will never shake it. I have overcome it, yes and I am fabulous yes, but there is still that high school girl insecurity deep down and I think we all have our demons. Learning to overcome them does not remove us from them, it merely helps us to survive, succeed and move on.

I am the promoter of my business, doing it alone, netowkring alone, and so much alone.

I have become comfortable being alone and at time relish in it. However, there are times, I really wish I had a "person"

Tonight is a rare night, when I think WAY too much is going on and I am holding my own, but I really just want to go off somewhere and have a good cry....

So Alone

Most people see my life as go go and busy busy with people all around me. However, I find myself feeling so alone and wishing I had someone to share those moments with again and lately I have been feeling depressed and wondering " What happened?"

I was lying in my Physical Therapy this morning and got to wondering that question.

When my ex boyfriend J  hurt himself I drove him and picked him up and took him to every PT appt he had and needed. I took him to doctors appts and therapy appts and well, EVERYWHERE!! However, there I lie, alone, staring at the floor. 

I have asked my fiancee to go with me and he says he can't. I know he is hard working and such, but this is important to me. I even asked him to take off when I got my Sacroiliac Injections and he he said, no. 

Thus now where the "What happened" comes into play. What happened to the guy who used to go to everything with me. What happened to the guy who just wanted to be in my presence? What happened to the guy who wanted to do things with me, hang around me and to be my buddy and who couldn't' wait to be around me? What happened? Where did THAT guy go?

I am not saying we are not a great couple and he is not great and wonderful because he is. He works hard and tries hard and so on and so forth. 

But recently I have felt 

• like he doesn't believe me
• doesn't support my business anymore
• doesn't want me to do anything
• feels overworked already

When I wanted to go to the Bridal show recently I was lucky enough that my pal Jen G wanted to go with me. She has been engaged forever. The last one Iw ent to no one wanted to go however and that sucked.

My Opening night for my Apron Exhibit was very important to me and I had to beg my fiancee to show up and then only a scattered few showed up for that. I was very hurt that more people didn't come out. I feel like um seriously, where are all you people?

Maybe I am deluding myself but I DO think I am gonna make it big. HUGE. I sit here and think, "when I make it, you all will be clamoring to spend time with me and then I will have all these OTHER people wanting to spend time with me. The sad thing is, THOSE people will be the FAKE people. Is it better to have the fake people then NO people around at all?

Something else I don't get...

When I lived in Cali I was SUPER freakin busy as was my pals at church, my neighbors and people at work, yet somehow we had time for BBQ's, Sunday dinners, hanging out at the beach, parties and helping each other out. I knew my neighbors and those people became my friends. Now I hate my neighbors and can't wait to move.

Again, thought process of, "Perhaps I am deluding myself" but I feel like that was because I lived in a metro area and here I live in a smaller city" Des Moines is not SMALL per say but I feel like I have tapped my resources, exhausted my contacts, burnt my bridges and am just spent.

I am ready for a move. a change. I want a new life. a new place. New opportunities. New places to explore. new people to meet and a new chance at things.

Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone.

More SomeECards to get me by

Some E Cards to try and get me through

The real truth is probably more like this

And those are today's E-Cards that seem to speak about my life right now...