Wednesday, September 19, 2007

National Convention

Well, Im off to National Convention...hope to have a good week. I need a break and this seems liek a fun event. Iwill get a fair amoutn of training plus be a part of something real not HS like the chapter here is.

I have a hard time dealing with what is going on with N. I want to be supportive but I don't want to be guilted into being there for him always. The poly is scientific and I jsut can't see it is being a set up but I never know what to beleive inthis town in this place.

I know I take in part in this but he still is the one who made these choices and decisions not me. Does he have a conscience at all? Does he even care? Does he have any empathy? Is he a liar? I don't know but if this truly is the person he is I can't do it. I hope that doesn't sound wrong or bad as aprent but I jsut can't.I know why parents disown thier kids at times like this.

So this week I am off to go to Nationals, think of nothing, hang out, have fun, enjoy myself, make new friends, and have a life of my own. I need to have a life of my own.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

What a week

This has been a crazy week lately. Issues with a Professional organization I am a part of. Someone walking out. Friends being in the middle. Another friend calling srying over parental issues. Car shopping. Bill paying. Busy at work. Parental guilt issues on my side. And then...my son...again.

N failed his poly AGAIN. I don't even know if I know what to feel or think or act. I am currently looking at a car and having it checked out. while I am waiting they have the internet. After this is over then I am going to see N. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. He says he isn't hiding but the Polygrapher asked him mutiple questions this time and he failed all of them. It IS scientific which is why they use it so why did he fail all of the questions? I don't know. All I know is I moved here for him. I uprooted my life for him. I live for my kids and the never ending story is that you sacrifice your life fo ryour kids and they don't appreciate it and don't understand until they have a life of their own and get hurt themselves.

I have no clue how my visit will go. I had no original plans to go see my mom last night but changed things around. I had no idea nate was going to take his poly but he did. I had no idea he would fail but he did. I had no idea that this weekend I would end up feeling hurt all over again.

I better sign off soon as the keyboard is very cliky and I think I am driving the other guests crazy with my typing. I will update you further on the visit.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Sides

I hate it when your friends say crap to you like, "You know I can't take sides" because really what they are doing IS taking sides with the other person they jsut won't side with you. So because you are a new friend in thier life they couldn't dare side to you over the old friend in thier life so they "cop out" and say they "can't take sides" but that is not true. They "choose" not to take sides because they don't want to be put in the middle.

But I don't think it is wrong to take sides to each level of each person. I am sure that not both parties are correct and they each have issues for and against on thier own side. Why can't the person int he middle say, "I can see where you are coming from?" I am sure they would be able to see that, right? No I guess not.

I get that the friend has been a friend for years, but what am I chopped liver?

I don't jsut want to vent.

I want support, understanding and validation for what I am feeling, thinking, doing.

I already have someone in my life who does not give me that. I don't want to be with people who treats me as bad as he does. I want thier support. Do I have to go through everything by myself, for the rest of my life, always?

I feel more and more like the answer to that is yes.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN ? (Bryan Adams)

HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN ? (Bryan Adams)

To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
To really love a woman
Let her hold you
Do you know how she needs to be touched ?
You gotta breath her
Really taste her
To you can feel her in your blood
Then when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that you’ll always be together
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
You got to give her some faith
Hold her tight
A little tenderness
You gotta treat her right
She’ll be there for you
Taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The Big Talk-CC

S and I spoke yesterday morning. He said he wanted to really talk to me about the divorce and asked if he coudl call me in the evening. I said ok. He called last night and we talked and talked. I will say him having read Crucial Conversations has been better for us which is good as the marriage is not over yet and we do still have a business together.

We talked about the fact that we have not been in dialogue for 10 years (the book talks about this). We talked about how we made decisions and how wrong it was, how we need to make deicisions now and that we both usually want Consesus Decision Deciding (book). We then little by little delved into the deeper heavier weightier matters. I told him how I had been thinking of leaving him befor eI ever came out to Iowa, how I was unhappy long before, how since our last arguement in July I took my wedding ring off and haven't worn it is with the exception of when I went to NY with him, and then took it off again when I came home, I told him I was somewhat dating other people already, I told him how I don't know if I can wait any longer for him to treat me right.

Of course all 0f these things were not easy for him to hear, but we made it through. There were moments of tears on either part but our Mutual Pruppose was to get through the dialogue and stay talking and it helped. By the end we were discusssing the things I was doing for the business and any options if these things didn't work out for me. WE discussed out finances and him starting another business for me to pay into corp to corp for the work he does and he agreed.

We always talked about him not being a aprt of my blogs and him not being a aprt of my life. He asked if I would let him inmy life like my friends are and I said no. We talked about my life and things I have been hiding and how I do not feel as if I can be true to myself. He asked what that meant and I discussed E and lunches and emails I have as E has been my friend for years. He was open about it and understood. He said he doesn't want me to hide away and he wants me to have the life Iw ant. He wants me to have my friends even if he doesn't agree. But he would like to be a part of my blogs and I told him that I did not want himt o be a aprt of that as it is mine and it is my way to unload about my life and him and other things I am feeling.

It was not an easy discussion but it went ok. I am sure hearing I don't wear his ring, and that I am dating was not easy. He knows I don't love him and I don't have feelings for him. He also knows that I am not willing to wait now that he is changing. He also talked with me about how I feel that he looks at me as this evil person about the divorce and that I am not that. He said he doesn't look at me that way, but he is hurt by many of the things said.

The talk ended with us agreeing to talk more, but that both of us understood why divorce is looming and why and how we arrived at this point in our lives. I know it was hard and I really didn't want to "talk" about it, but the mature thing to do is talking about it so I did. The outcome was good, though I know it isn't what he wanted to hear.

Afterwards I took a long bath listening to Colbie Caiilat and jsut sat there thinking about everything. The talk was a good talk but it didn't change the way I feel. I don't love him, I don't feel anything for him, I am not attracted to him, I don't want to wait anymore for him to change.

I'm tired of waiting. I want "Somebody to love" and I want all of the things in that song right now. I think I can have that. He is NOT that. Those are facts. I deserve Somebody to love and I deserve Somebody who treats me right, right now.

That's fair isn't it?