Tuesday, March 27, 2007


I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. I am back at work again and again spouse does not have an assignment again. I got one before one week was over. Of course he is working on the websites again. I want him to but I don't mean to soak up the whole day doing nothing but web. He needs to be balanced in all things. I need him to do more than he is doing but he never can. I feel so frustrated and then he says stupid things to me like" I can't beleive how well you are holding up" HELLo what choice so I have? Who is going to be the breadwinner? Who is going to handle the bills? Who is going to tend to the kids? I don't really have a choice in my mind. I can't pull the covers over my head and not do anything. It is not like that would move him to do SOMETHING.

He says he can't do it and he is so overwhelmed and can't handle it all.

I have issues with my kids
Issues with his kid
I need to be in Iowa
I want to be in California
A new job with new challenges
Status meetings with our bookeeper
My mother is travelling aorund the globe and not here where I need her
why don't we add jumping through hoops of flame while we are at it and by the way honey he adds can you jsut...blah blah blah for me?
No I can't.

Can you actually do something in our life?
Can you take care or ME for a change?
CAn you be an active participant in your OWN life? Geez.

Then my friends are all aloof lately and it is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I cam going to burst and explode but then I have to hold it together because I can't do that. Who would comfort me? Me? N. instead I sit in the shower crying my eyes out, then we he comes in I act like all is well because he can't handle it if I break down even for a minute.

I broke down a month or so ago. I had jsut found out more horrible news about my son and what is his method of handling this and being supportive...he lied in bed all day and wasn't feeling well. he thought he was coming down with something. Oh poor baby. I feel for you.

But then, even though I did talk to my other friends abotu the problem and shared my thoughts and feelings, did they pull through? No. Again I dealt with on my own. What does all this make me think?

Do I ask too much? Do I expect too much out of others? I guess so. All I wanted was an email saying hey there, I feel for you, I may not understand but I am your friend and I love you and I care. I guess that is way too much to ask. Even the closest people to me can't even give me that.

Anyway, maybe I am jsut blogging out my frustrations because I am stressed today. Sorry to explode. Not that anyone is listening. But it was nice to get it out.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Yeah, well I wish. That would be heaven to here I think. Iowa is so weird. Well I started my new assignment today with WBCBS. I think it went well. I am tired so going to bed, but jsut wanted to say hey.


ok goodnite

Friday, March 16, 2007

Spring Break

Trying to recover from all the chaos for SB. The pool has been broken, but I got a chance to hang out there today. I have been so busy working on marketing material for the sites and trying to do recruting for our company, it is jsut so busy. Cali is faster pace and I there is so much to do. But more so on top of all with everything going on with my son, I don't even feel like going back to Iowa right now. It all seems so futile and pointless. But I know I have to for my son. I have to be there for him. I have to support him and give it all a chance. But if they give him back to my ex I am leaving and going back to Cali. And I guess I will jsut have to wait until he is 18 or 16 and it ahppens on its own. I am through palying these mindless games where I never win, my kids never win, they suffer in a non existent society that only exists back in time. It is so frustating.

I feel like crying half the time, but can't because I have to hold myself together for ym family, my spouse who is out of a contract again, my compnay that I am in charge of and have to do all the work or it falls apart, and finances to survive. I have to keep it together because I do and those who know me know I do...

I sat in the bathroom crying before I left Iowa for Spring Break and I totally lost it once I was here alone. It is jsut so hard at times and I jsut have to cry. So spring Break is here, Scott is here part of the time and sometimes he jsut makes it worse. We se my folks tomorrow and he is leaving Sat or Sun and driving back to Iowa. I have a new assignment when I get back and he has nothing...like always.

I want to make the most out of this and I think I am doing the best I can and better than most. So SB is here, Cali is great and I think it was well needed and well used.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Selfless or Selfish

Why do people think are they being selfish when they are trying to be ahppy and do things for themselves. It appears to me that usually the people who say this are mostly "selfless" and do so much for other people that they lose out most of the time. I was one of those persons for years and finally became aware of thi things in life I was missing and took a stand.

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you are complaining because someone does not treat you well, then it is your own fault. If you are not getting what you need, speak up or shut up.

Also, why is it everyone else deserves the best of you but you? If you don't take care of yourself then how are you really expected to take care of others? If you don't make yourself happy, how can you make others happy? am I wrong to think that I have a rigt to be happy? Don't I deserve to be treated fairly, deserve to be happy, deserve to have things on my life? I think so.

But hey...do that and people tell you that you are being selfish. Do I think that self perservation can go over the top? Sure it can. I whole-heartedly agree. Some people take it to the extreme. I am merely talking about the simplicity of tending to one's own self once in awhile and allowing yourself happiness.

My opinion: Those who think they are being SELFISH are usually the ones who need to be a little bit more. The ones who think they are being SELFLESS are the one's who need to be more that way as well. The people who are a little of both are well balanced.