Thursday, August 30, 2007

Defy Gravity

This music really speaks to me about what is going on in my life and how I feel about my business. It is teh mucis from Wicked Defy Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes
And leap...
It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits

Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost

Well if that's loveIt comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me

Look to the Western sky!

As someone told me lately

Everyone deserves the chance to fly

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who ground me

Take a message back from me!
Tell them how I am defying gravityI'm flying high, defying gravity

And soon I'll match them in renown

And nobody in all of Oz

No Wizard that there is or was

Is ever gonna bring me down!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Thoughts after the weekend

I am so tired. It is now after 3 am. I can't sleep. I cry and cry and cry. Some say I am insecure. I disagree. I am going through the hardest times in my life. I can't be strong forever. I want to show someone the underside of me. But if I do, if I show concern for the things in my life then my insecurities show. Do I ever get someone to lean onto? Is there ever going to be someone there who truly understands me? Is there every going to be anyone who gets my life? Who treats me the way I need to be treated and desire to be treated? I am a strong person, but even strong people need somebody sometimes. Everybody needs somebody sometimes.

I hate this. I hate this year. It has jsut been so DAMN HARD! I want to shout at the world! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. The marriage has barely been holding on. Then when my son got in trouble I think what little strands were holding it together either got cut or fell apart.

I have to be there for N. I have to help A feel loved and good about himself. I have to be strong for S. On top of that, be strong for me. Run a business, hope it all works out, hope I don't have to go back to working for someone else. Keep moving forward. Change, grow, be a better mom, be a better person. Be strong for everyone. I sacrifice. We learn from our parents and my mother sacrificed all her life. I guess I follow in her footsteps.

It is all so exhausting yet I can't sleep. The bed is lonely. The sounds of the thoughts inside my head haunt me. Am I cruel? Am I being mean? I'm not wanting to be. Is it more cruel to lead on a lie or more cruel to tell the truth? Im screwed either way. I feel like this is a Sucker Choice. I can't win either way. This weekend was so damn hard. Did it HAVE to be that hard? GEEZ.

I have so much to think about. My mom is leaving soon. I thought I would be able to leave him sooner than now. I waited til she came home, but then all hell broke loose with N. I know it was wrong, but I used S. He isn't great comfort but he was something. Crying alone is not fun. But then when I REALLY needed him, he wasn't there for me. He showed me through his actions that I was not at the top of his list. On the way home I didn't know what to do. I cried so hard at times I had to pull off the side of the road. I talked to my mom, to R, to my other friends. But all in all I was still alone. Left alone to deal with N and all my thoughts. That was the hardest drive home I have had in a long time.

More tears. More and more tears fall as I write here, in my poetry, more tears fall when I listen to music and when I don't. I guess this is the time for tears. The pain of having to hurt someone else is so hard to bear. I hate myself for that. I hate being that person. But I hate lying am who I am even more. I'm scared as hell. and so what if that makes me insecure right now. Who isn't scared when they are getting a divorce? Only the bitches. I'm not one of them. I wish I was.

More tears... why can't I be one of the bitches? Because that's not who I am.

I am a good person. I am good to other people. My friends from HS and now all say I treat them good, I make them feel special, I make them happy. They say I am different than other people. My vendors say I am a different client than other people. I care. I show concern. I'm not demanding. My friends say I am unique. Country girl charm mixed with big city style and a Jackie O grace and presence. Deep down I am good. I know I am good. That kindness in my heart is what hurts me so right now. I know I am hurting S and I want so much to make it all better, but I can't. I jsut can't. I DONT LOVE HIM. I FEEL NOTHING.

I can't always make it all better. This is going to be hard. I have to do it. Sigh. I'm already alone so it's not that. It's hurts to hurt another...

why can't I jsut be a bitch about it...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Weekend

This weekend was crazy. It was filled with moments of happiness intertwined with delusions of hell mixed in with a little salt to rub into the wounds. Did you get that?

I don't know why I went. I didn't feel like I could just walk away at this point. I wanted to. I wanted to be mean and cruel and just heartless and maybe that would make it all easier. If I didn't care whether or not I hurt another wouldn't that be easier? Maybe, but being true to myself through all of this is important to me and doing things like that would not be true to me. I am not a mean, cruel, vengeful, vicious, mean person. I can't just walk away cold and leave someone there to fend for themselves.

I recognized that he is trying. I also knew that I need to try and keep him happy through this and if that means walking on eggshells then so be it. Or so I thought. The good news is he is finally reading Crucial Conversations. The bad news is he is reading Crucial Conversations. The reason that is good and bad is that he wanted to have them all weekend long.

We came out understanding the other which is what the point is. A CC is not to agree or disagree is to understand the other person. I think mostly we did. The problem there is that we don't agree. We don't share the same views, values or feelings.

I don't love him. I have no emotional feelings to him. When he kisses me I feel nothing. If he put his arms around me, it seemed no different than wrapping my own arms around myself. If he looked into my eyes, I could look back, but he was thinking how much he loved me and I was thinking how much I didn't. Then when he wanted more, I hurt his feelings because I didn't want the same. How could I give myself to someone fully when I didn't even want to give myself to him partially? I knew it would hurt, but to me leading him on would have been worse.

Now I have a lot to think about. We talked some more this morning about the business and what would happen if we divorced. I really don't want to think about things in that way as it feels so shallow, but a mature decision is required here and we both need to be thinking rational, reasonable and decent like the book says.

He got so angry at me and started screaming at me over the phone and being very mean and cruel in his words when we were discussing this. I am so tired of being yelled at, taking the blame, and waiting for someone to be there in my life. Waiting for someone to talk to me with decency, for someone to talk to me like I have a brain and I am smart, like I matter to them and like I am worth being talked to with respect. I get so frustrated about that. Yes, he is changing but his levels of change are so far behind mine.

I asked him to stop yelling at me and talking to me that way. He stopped and then started crying and saying why would I want to be with him when he is so mean. What do I say? He has a point. He talks down to me so much. He treats me like a child one day then a mom to him the next.

The truth is that when I am with him I feel absolutely nothing. He is just like hanging out with a friend or a roommate. I used to think it was that I didn't have the passion he had. I thought I didn't know how to feel that way, but I know that not to be true. I don't feel that way towards him.

There is this song I keep thinking of my Depeche Mode called Somebody. I think it stands out in my mind as it is how I feel and what I want.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll (He’ll) get my support
She (He) will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Sh’ell (He’ll) hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll (he’ll) often disagree
But at the end of it all
She (He) will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it

I don't know if my expectations are really that high, but I often wonder if they are out of reach...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Backing Off

I'd like to say Im better and in some respects I am. I am not as wallowing as I was earlier last week. Last week I wanted to shoot myself. You would have thought it was a PMS week but it wasn't. I was told how self centered and selfish Iw as. Then other people I know confirmed those thoughts. Then I had a talk with a friend who pretty much told me I was pushing too hard to be in thier life.

So what is my outcome on that? Backing off is what everyone always asks me to do. C, J, S, R, E,you name it, someone has told me. I don't know why I am so Attnetion hungry. All I can figure is for years no one ever did. Now so many did and do that when it is gone it is like the high is gone.

Reality is this "If you aren't paying attention to me, someone else will" So now here's the hard part. Yes, other people can pay attention to me, but then I have to be the one to allow it. And if I value my friendships with certain people I can't allow that to happen. As well, they may pay attention to me, but why are they doing so? I know why mostly, and I don't want that so I end up alone. I don't want to be alone.

I have been alone in a dead, loveless marriage for almost 10 years. I can sit right next to him and feel alone. I want SO much to sit next to a person and feel like they want me near them. Not for SEX, but because they truly and genuinely want to be near me as a person. They like who I am. They want to be around me.

I know I move fast on my friends. I share too much, I am too much and the drama of my life is too much for most. I need to back off. I need to give other space and let them lead their lives and have separate lives. I am doing that now. It is hard. It is lonely. It is life.

I am still happy and fun. I still enjoy life. I am replacing this void with other things now like Exercising and becoming fit. I am working on (almost said trying) pulling away from the computer as well. After I write this blog I am goign to make some food, sit down and watch Tv, read a few books, and RELAX.

Someone told me that recently and though it frustrated me that they said it, I concur it was a well needed statement. I work too much and I sit in front of the computer too much. If you want to know where to find me, most will say "On the computer".

Well, til now. This year has been about changes. About progressing and becoming a better person. I love to learn and grow and change. Just usually not all at once, but maybe that is what we need sometimes. Growing pains are real in life.

I am working on having a life of my own. Making new friends. Spending time with me. Relaxing. Taking a break from 80 hour work weeks. Obtaining sleep. I need to learn to be satisfied with not talking to my friends everyday. I do feel that satisfied=settled and I don't want to be settled right now. I want to enjoy and savor life. I want someone to do that with me. I want someone in my life that wants to do things, see things, hear things in life.

I want someone who wants what I want and enjoys what I want and wants to be with me. I am willing to back off friends and learn about all these things on my own. But eventually I do want someoen to come along for the ride. S had that chance and he lost it. He may not even know it right now, but he has.

I am going to NY to keep him happy. I am going to try and relax and enjoy myself. But running away from the issues does not solve them. I will make the most of my time. I hope we get along. I hope we are decent to each other. He has been reading CC and it has made a difference. But not enough for me to stay. I don't like being alone, but I like being a poor marriage less, because irrovocably I am alone anyway. So, this trip is a relaxing trip. I hope. I have no expectations. I do have reservations and I told him so.

We will see what the future will hold...on all avenues...5th and otherwise.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

I cried

I cried all night.
I cried myself to sleep.

Who wants to hear the worst things about themselves and then have someone else confirm it?


Invisible to Everyone

Ironic that I looked at my Yahoo Messenger and I was bsuy today so I marked it as "Invisible to Everyone"and the more I think about it, the more I truly do feel that way. I feel as if the world is moving around me and bumping into me but no one sees me, no one cares. If I dare speak out for attention my friends say I am attention hungry.

I had lunch with a friend today who told me I was being selfish and self-centered. OUCH! Wow. I didn't see that one coming. That hit me like a frieght train. We talked and I spoke of how I was teh baby of the family and always felt like I was clawing my way to receive attention from family members. When I was in High School I never received any attention from people as I was shy and a wallflower. I had a few friends, but nothing major. They always made it a point to say someone else was their Best Friend not me. Guys didn't notice me or wanted to go out with me even when I had the guts and courage to ask them.

Once I did start dating I had little by little pulled out of my shell. I started modeling for Teen and Seventeen magazine and had money so I could buy nice clothes. I remember the first time someone really noticed me and it felt so good. I was at my friend E's apt and one of his friends came through the door and jsut stared at me. E introduced him and the guy said, "Wow. You are incredibly gorgeous." Of course this caught me off guard, but nontheless I loved it and eated it up. Why not? I spent years with no one seeing me and now someone finally did.

I have been through a lot in my life and have been hurt often. I used to be a player and walked around stomping on guy's hearts without a care in the world. To me, that was selfish and self-centered. But for someone to say that to me now made me really think.

I realized that I am currently attention hungry. I was overweighht a few years ago and finally have lost some of that. I have my own business and walk with my head held high. I have confidence in myslef and am proud of my life and the way I look.

As well I have a lot going on and have to do it all by myself. Even with S around sitting in the room I could feel lonely. Read my blogs you will see what I mean. I NEED attention right now. And then, there's the new friends inmy life that I thought understood, yet instead agree and wanted to tell me it was getting out of hand yet this is a person that o0riginally said they were "too much" telling me I am "too much". NICE.

I know I am not invisible. I know people see me. I know I am pretty and beautiful. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept. I truly care about other people. I give my friendship and everything I do my all. All I ask is for some attention in return.

But I guess I am jsut being a self centered, selfish person. It hurts for my friends to say that. and though I realize that what M said has some beaing and truth to it, the fact the someone else who normally is that way backed that thought process up, hurt my feeling more than anythign else. In addition to the fact that S in the last month told me the same thing.

Well, hey...I will tell you all what...I won't ask for attnetion, I will pull back, I will not seek you out, I will go abut my day all by myself, like I often do and often have to. People see all I do and say I can't do it myself, but I can and Iw ill becaus eI wouldnt want to burden anyoen else by being there for me.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Speed Networking gone wrong

Well, tonight was a bust. Ok so lemme see, yes yes today is Tuesday, though it felt like the worst monday ever!

To sum up I must tell you the events of the evening and then you can tell me how you feel about it or what you think...fair? Fair! ok...let me take you ony my journey...

  • I show up to Legends and notice off to the right where our group is supposed to be there is another group.
  • I ask who they are and they tell me a large organization here in town
  • I informed them that was wrong as I was told we were to be there
  • I asked them if they were expecting us
  • It was 5:30 when I showed up and our event started at 6 pm
  • They had a scribbled piece of paper about us but didn't have the room ready
  • When they started preparing for the room I had to tell them everything all over again (two tops, like speed dating but speed networking, one person stays one person moves and that they will get thier own drinks until the end when we need a server as some people are staying to eat)
  • At 6 pm they were just finishing putting tables up
  • Luckily only a couple of regulars showed up early
  • Everyone else started milling in after, but Legenda lost our flyers so I stood at the door and had to redirect people since our room was changed
  • They did recreate a sign that they posted on the wall, but no one saw it where it was thus the standing and redirecting
  • The event starts and we are one table off. GREAT...NOT! So the take a booth nearby (which btw was only the first of many confusing inicdents through the night)
  • We had 19 people show so one of the hostesses had to sit to make it even so I stayed standing to manage the timers and bells)
  • We barely did the first round and as soon as someone had to go to the booth it ruined it
  • thenw e finally got that figured out and people kept getting up and getting a drink or going pee right int he middle of the event 9needless to say this does not bode well when the other person is sitting alone and has no one to network with for the 5 min)
  • Then we took a break and attempted to allow the stationary person to move -
  • Good grief all mighty...first while on break a few of the guys decided to give me a hard time about how the move was giong to work
  • The other hostess told me to have everyone go one way then changed her mind (which made me look bad and I don't like to look bad)
  • Then each time it was time to move someone would get it wrong and the boys would all fuss and give me a bad time
  • Then these little dingbat blond girls(im blond too but they give us a bad name) would mess it up by going pee or getting a drink or going the wrong way
  • After awhile it was going so awry that we gave up and let people mingle on thier own
  • I walked over to w wall and pretended to bang my head
  • 5 minutes later someone bought me a drink (too funny)
  • Whew...glad that was over

So I ordered some food, vowed never to use Legends for Speed Networking again and then met with my Graphic Designer from La Cava Designs and then tried to relax the rest of the night.

Thank goodness its over

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Hard Life

I ended up hiding out and then cryong tonight. N is still not doing well. I talked to his counselor and he is still slacking and not pulling his weight. It's like he doesn't care. I talked to him after I talked to his counselor and asked him to kick it up a notch. I know I laid on teh guilt a bit and said "I fe he cared about me if he loved me he would change and do what is right." I think that almost hurt me more. I don't like being that person. I dont like this tough love crap. I want to hug him and tellhim it will be alright. I want him to know tht no matter what I accept him. I don't like taking his Ipod away and taking away the things he loves in life and taking myself away.

This life is so hard.

Then there is S, my spouse. I jsut can't please hima dn we ended up having quite a rough weekend. I ended up asking him to leave and going to Keith Urban by myself, which I was glad about because teh songs were very poignant for my life right now. It was weird being alone though.

I don't know how to deal with all of this and I am jsut trying to do what's right. I am in so much pain and tears and need to be strong for everyone all the time. I feel so alone. Even if S were here I feel alone. he needs to change so much. I have grown and he hasnt and I just dont think I can take it anymore. We are ending. It's time. WE are trying so hard to hold on to something that isn't there to be nice to each other when neither of us is truly happy.

I have new friends out here that I am making and learning about. I have a new organization tha ti am part of and they have become my friends more. Plus my graphic Designer is a prt of a few other groups. I want to join another, but I am so busy I don't have time to do that much. I am really trying to focus ont he business. I think I will jsut stay with tis one the Jaycees for now.

The friends I am making are so down to earth and honest. They are not fake like people in Ca can be. my friends in Cali arent like that but a lot of people are. I used to call them Plastic People. MY friends are true but they are very busy with thier life and they always have been. My friend C said to me once that she couldn't live up to our friendship tha tI need someone too much. I guess that's true. I do need friends and I drive them insane trying to connect. But even though that is true I never had a long term friend except one and he cannot even devote time to be there when I need him to talk to.

So I live alone, I deal with things alone, I talk alone. N told me he thought "tough and Fall" were my kind of songs. I'd have to agree. I am strong. I have been. I always will be. But every now and then I falter. Every now and then I escape under the covers like this afternoon. I cry my tears like I did tonight and now I am ok. WEll, ok as I will be. I will survive. I will go on. I will be fine.

I have a Passion for life and I keep my chin up. I don't harbor these thoughts and feelings forever I move on. that's what you have do with life. Butit is nice to have others around who care about you. It is nice to have friends who you can hang with at least.

This life is hard life. Ive always had one. Why should today be any different?