He was the greatest man I never knew. Every time I hear that song, I think of him.
"The greatest man I never knew lived just down the hall, and ev'ry day we said hello but never touched at all. He was in his paper. I was in my room. How was I to know he thought I hung the moon?"
For me, he was the only dad I ever knew.
To me, Lewis Berg was not my stepfather. He was not just some guy my mom married. He was my dad. I always feel odd trying to explain that though when many knew my father passed away when I was ten. Now they ask, you had two dads? Yes. I was blessed with two fathers.
My biological father, Art passed away as a janitor from a scaffolding accident putting up a high school scoreboard in 1980. I was at the age of ten. I did not grieve until I was the age of 13. It never felt real until one Thanksgiving in 1983.
Lewis Beg passed away on the 4th of July, 2020 of natural causes because of lung cancer, black lung, and breathing issues.
He was the only father I ever knew.
He and mom married when I was thirteen, the year of 1983. I pouted all the way through the ceremony. In our pictures, I am pouting. I didn't want a new dad. I wanted my dad.
Many years later, was when I acknowledged him as my dad, but he always WAS my dad.
He bought me my first ten-speed bike.
The bike was the start of our relationship. When my mother and he were dating he brought me a bright red big kid bike. A ten-speed. I barely could ride with the seat all the way down but I didn't care. I rode it everywhere and had it until I was 18 years old.
He was my chauffeur.
He took me to dance, ballet, or modern, or jazz or ice skating, or gymnastics. He took me to modeling classes, baton classes, etiquette classes, choir, bells, whatever I was in, he was my ride.
He was my referee.
He always stepped in when mom would be really upset with me about something. HE knew mom's temper could fly off the handle and I was always so sensitive that he wanted to protect me.
He was my friend.
We went to Golfland almost every weekend. We had a pinball machine in our house for many years and we would battle to see who had to do the dishes! He told silly dad jokes and many Norwegian Ole and Lena jokes. We would do funny little skits back and forth and mom would hake her head and roll her eyes.
My favorite was one of two old deaf guys talking on the porch
"You think that's sufficient?"
"You say you went fishing?"
"You say that's plenty?"
"You caught twenty?"
"You poor deaf sole!"
"You lost your pole?"
then together we made up one to add...
"Are you for real?"
"You lost your creel?"
Mom would roll her eyes and dad and I would laugh and laugh. my husband and I do the skit to this day. It will be a fun way I will always remember him.
He taught me to crack my knuckles, take things apart and not know how to put them back together (my mother hated that) and he taught me how to enjoy family time by playing Yahtzee or Dominoes or cards. In the past few years, I knew he was not well when he refused to play Yahtzee with me anymore.
He tried to teach me to drive a stick and after an hour dropping the clutch and getting stuck in traffic, as we were trying to get gas down the street from where we lived, I could not get the car up the driveway to the gas station and got so mad I put it int park and told him I would meet him at home. He teased me for years about that and never let me forget it. It was a funny story, we always shared.
As an adult, my life took many turns and he was always there for me. Sometimes being the dad chastising me for my bad choices and in his Norwegian way, telling me "get my shit together" and in other ways bailing me out or being there as I cried about things I was going through to him and mom.
We have had our ups and downs as all families do and yet we always end up speaking to each other again and moving on in our lives. No matter what, he was there for me.
When I found out I had cancer the first time, right away he told me to come to see them. I went down right after my port was installed before I started chemo. You could tell it was hard on him to see me suffering.
When my second cancer came, 18 months after being in remission, once again, he wanted to see me. He did all he could to be there for me and help me. He always was there for me, even if he never said. Many times I would find out through my mom because that's just the way he was. He may not have always been the one to tell me, but I knew.
Just like I knew that he loved me, though he didn't ay it often. He would hug me, or make jokes with me, we would make sure my tires were full of air or check the oil, things dads do.
I knew, however, that he thought I hung the moon.
I was his "Gold Turd" as the family would often joke.
My mother and I have spoken daily in these last days leading up to his passing and now every night since his passing. She told me last night how he would tell everyone that would come in about something I gave him or something I did. No one could leave the house without knowing or hearing about me someway somehow.
While we as daughters know our fathers love us, hearing this touched my heart deeply.
He was my dad.
and now he is gone.
My heart is sad but my memories of our relationship will live on forever...
Today started out great. Woke up late. Had breakfast with HunEPants. Made tea. Took a shower. Got dressed. Etc..
I got on my computer and all of a sudden a message came on for my spouse to call his older brother right away.
Oh no. Pit of my stomach dropped. Immediately I new...my mother in law had passed. I just knew it. No one makes a big deal like that unless its death.
I was right. I didn't want to be, but I was. Ben's brother sadly found her when he went to go check on her. She had fallen and they thought it perhaps had been a few days. She lived alone with rabbits, dogs and a cat but none of them could call 911, so who knows how long she was really there. The underlying reason is still unknown. All we know is she is gone. She has passed away. She wasn't even 65.
Sadly, I have had one too many deaths I have had to deal with...
My uncle Harvey when I was 8. My father when I was 10. Grandparents on both sides years later. Best friends father when I was 16 and the list goes on...
This taught me very early on to live in the moment. To say what needs to be said. To talk, share and converse with others regularly. To let someone know you appreciate them and love them. To spend time with them. To show them you care.
Life is meant to be lived.
It really IS that simple.
Nancy had Behcet's and was constantly in pain. No matter what, she hurt. Meds or not.
But that never kept her from loving life, smiling, taking care of her kids and working hard.
Now, she is no longer in pain.
I keep saying to myself today "I am so glad she got to see Ben get married!" To some, that may sound trite, but I do meant it from my heart. It meant a lot to her and I almost feel like that is what she was waiting for. We got married in August and it it barely January now.
We never got to have a Christmas with her and as going to this year. We never got to spend a New Years Eve with her and was going to this year. We didn't get to see her as much because she lived so far. We didn't get to talk to her as much, because life was bust for us all. I could go on with the list of "we never got to's..." but that is pointless.
What it all means is exactly what I say year after year.
Life is meant to be lived. This life is meant to shine.
Stop living vicariously through others.
Live vicariously through yourself.
Go do that thing you have been wanting to do. Start that business. Ask that person out. Tell someone how you feel. Take risks. Be adventurous. Savour every moment you get. tomorrow, might be the day you don't get it anymore. Cherish the moments and times you have. Put your damn phone down and look up and experience life! Life is in the moments. Capturing them is fine, but don't make your computer, your job, your cellphone, or anything more important that you truly living life and experiencing it.
To add to that, live your life FOR YOU.
Stop living to please everyone.
Stop living to "just get thru this moment" kinda thing. I hear so many people of divorce, live with others just to get thru it. But if you died today, would you wanted to die being unhappy and miserable? No? I didn't think so.
I hear others say, "Ill just work at this job I hate until I can _______. (fill in the blanks) I'll just be miserable until I can___.
Until you can afford to do something else, until you get on your feet, until whatever. Stop waiting for whatever and live life in the now.
I have no regrets. I never have to worry about someone saying about me "Oh, how sad she never got to live life. She never got to...____" I know. KNOW I have lived a full and well lived life. I know I have done the things I wanted to do. I know I have been who I wanted to be. I know I have lived vicariously through myself and then some.
I am sad that we never got to have a Christmas or New Years Eve or many other holidays with Nancy, however, every moment we had with her was a fabulous blessing.
Like I said, there is one thing I am DEARLY happy about...an that is that she had the chance to be a part of mine and Ben's wedding. She made our arch. She decorated it. She put flowers and lights all over it. She bought champagne glasses so we could toast and she gave us a fabulous and sweet toast as well.
I may have only inherited a mother-in-law for a short amount of time....
but the moments I DID get to spend with her will always live on in my memory!
We love you Nancy Lynn Edwards...you will truly be missed!
Cheers to my mother in law
I am so so glad she got to see us married
She loved to laugh
She had the sweetest spirit
The best smile
She always made everyone feel loved
She loved to play
She loved to dance
Nancy and Ben
Nancy and Ben
Nancy and Ben
You go girl! Now you can shake it all day long in heaven with no pain, a skip in your step and a smile for always...we love you...we miss you...you will be in our hearts forever!
I stumbled, literally stumbled upon this song and felt like it was so close to Father's Eyes (Amy Grant) and When I Leave (JJ Heller). I wept uncontrollably when I heard it. Your Heart by Chris Tomlin.
This is really all I want. At the end of the day I want people to say My Heart Looks like Your Heart Lord. I really AM good inside. I don't mean to tear others down. I don't mean to Jekkyl and Hyde. I don't want to hurt another. I don't mean to be a mean girl. I know me. Most of the time I know I am good, honest, true, benevolent and kind. Most of the time I am sweet, caring and would give you the world if I could.I am a good, loving soul. I am. I am...I know I am. I AM a good person.
I just want to be an instrument in his hands. I guess, right now, I must be. I must be the instrument so another can see my pain. I must have to go through this trial so another can know the goodness of life and know it will be ok. I know this trial is for me too. And Dear Lord, I have learned so much, at such a HIGH , REALLY HIGH COST! I will keep learning, I will keep growing and no, in two years I WON'T be the same...I will be BETTER. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of a good family. I deserve happiness. And so does he. So does J.
At the end of the day, I want to hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
When the world looks at me, I pray all they see
Is my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
This breakup has torn me apart and made me someone else. I have
become bitter and angry and scorn and scarred, hurt and pained, broken
and shattered. I have felt the utmost of hatred for a woman I hardly know. I have felt tossed aside. I have felt that she got in the way. But you know what...she just wants the love of a good man...how can I fault her for that? She is a child of God too. God reached down to me today and touched my heart. He gave me the words of someone else to teach me and help me heal and help me see what I needed to see. That I needed to stop hating her...and start loving her....
I read something today in Peace from Broken Pieces and I
thought, "Oh, wow...there it is." I figured out why I feel the way I do
right now and why I hurt so deeply...my ego is bruised. I felt the Lord say to me this morning..."You need to love her." and I thought" How Lord, how could I ever love this woman who is keeping me from this man?" and I swear I felt the Lord say to me "She isn't keeping you from him, my child. She just wants the love of a good man. She is a child of God. Please love her. Love her for me. Love her for you and lover her for him..."
Then at lunch I fell upon these words while I was reading...
The excerpt reads like this"
You love her because she makes him happy. You love him and will always
love him, but you could not make him happy. She does, so you love her
for that. You love her because she was there for him in a way that you
could not be, did not want to be. (I am tearing up reading this and I am in a diner trying to have lunch)
You love her because she can hear him and listen to him in a way that you did not hear him, and it has restored him to his sense of self. You
have always wanted him to be happy. (This
is very true. I have desired his happiness above all else. All I ever
wanted was to give J his dream of never having to work again and be an
artist)
You have always wanted him to know love. She has given him what you
could not. She is your sister [in Christ] and you love her for what she
has given your beloved."
Then Iyanla's voice "I
did want him to be happy because I really did love him. I didn't want
him to hurt or be alone or be miserable. My pride and my ego were
totally, utterly and completely deflated that I could not be who he
needed and wanted, but there was a part of me that was happy for him and
happy for me."
Yes. I do want all those things. Yes. I do love him. Yes, I will stop hating her and love her. I will send her my love daily in my prayers as often as I send him love. Love her.
Then, my new phone sent me a message that was the comment form my Art blog. My friend Rita posted this and combined with the feelings I was feeling and this message, my eyes were opened today.
"Your self worth will not end up the winner if you can force him--guilt
him--into coming back to you out of pity. Love shouldn't be about need
and pain and sorrow and loss...and being proven over and over.Love isn't about desperately needing something from someone. Love is
about giving. If you love him, let him go. He's in love with someone
else. You are stalking him and hounding him...which has just got to be
convincing him he made the right decision."
Today has not been an easy day. My heart is aching, and hard realizations are just that, HARD. I really do want to be a good person and show the world and him the good person that I am. I want the world to see God's Heart. Just like the lyrics say....
It never was about the oil dripping from my head
I never did dream beyond the pastures I could tend
It never was about the praise, not about the street parade
I didn’t really need a crowd when Goliath fell down
I never meant to woo a king with simple shepherd songs
Or hide away inside a cave, safe from danger’s arms
I never meant to wear a crown, or try to bring armies down
It never was about me and who I hoped to be
At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say
My heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
When the world looks at me, let them agree
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
I never thought I would be much more than Jesse’s kin
Who would ever dream a king would come from Bethlehem?
I know that I’ve crashed and burned, lives have been overturned
But You redeem everything, yeah, even me
At the end of the day, I want to hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
When the world looks at me, I pray all they see
Is my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
Five little stones, or a royal robe
Shepherd or king doesn’t mean a thing
Cause at the end of the day...
At the end of the day, I wanna hear people say
That my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
Unashamed I will dance, in Your name, lift my hands
‘Til my heart looks like Your heart, my heart looks like Your heart
Like Your heart, like Your heart
‘Til this heart looks like Your heart
I haven't been blogging because I have been in the mood of "I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to share, I don't want to draw, or write or Facebook or Twitter or exist." That is how I have felt. There are days when I feel Stronger, but the thought no more than enters my mind than I soon lose it and feel, "Nope, not yet, but maybe soon."
There have been so many hard times and hard things going on lately it has been hard to keep track of my feelings and thoughts. It has been the most difficult thing I have had to do, perhaps not forever, not ever in my life, but the hardest thing I have had to do in a very long time...deal with Heartbreak.
I am having the very hardest time forgiving myself out of it all. Though I have grown and made realizations in my life, though I have learned why I did things and now this knowing has changed me, it is too late. I left. I left him not once but many times. I know how this hurts and how it was my own stupidity for leaving, how it was my own consequences for leaving and how asking him or anyone else I have afflicted for forgiveness in this matter seems quite unreasonable.
I have learned through this how communication is a strong and powerful too. The lack OF communication has a heavier, stronger weight. A weight and a burden that words NOT spoken can damage so dearly, so profoundly than the words that ARE spoken.
Yes, I left but not with clear words, not with clear communication of what my desires were for us. He also is at fault here for not reaching out or sharing with me what HIS desires were as well. The other woman came back in his life while I was still with him and he was faithful to me in body and he says in mind, but I know from my own sorted past that there was an internal tug at his heart, perhaps only sub consciously of the "What If" I left again, "What If" with her. He left inside his heart before I even walked back out of the door. Wether he is willing to admit it or not, he wanted to be with her. HE mentioned her often in our relationship for four years. He said how great they were friends. He said how the spouses hated their connection. When you have a crush on someone, you crush on them. You may try hard as you might, but internally the CRUSH is still lingering there. My fault was not speaking up. My fault was not saying my fears about this woman. My fault was not communicating. He left in his heart, he gave up before, and now because of all of this, my heart is broken, shattered in pieces on the fall that I feel will never be repaired. Perhaps if we had communicated better they could be, but that is not the case.
I have felt a heaviness since all of this and have pressed for information. I am indeed connected to this person and I just knew I was not getting the whole story. I knew it. I could sense it. I could feel it.
I have been very up and down with my strength because just when I feel ok, in some sense, I feel a pull of that unknowing of those words that were left unsaid. I have been pining after him and sending love letters and images and have tried so desperately not to drive the man insane, but my heart kept begging the question "If you are so in love with her and she fulfills you so deeply, why do you still care about me, love me and want me in your life? A man who is fulfilled by one woman does NOT seek out another. You move on."
He has not had many women in his life and he is a tender and caring man. I know he cares about me but in his effort to NOT send me mixed messages or hurt me or hurt my heart anymore than he already has, things were left unsaid. I pressed because I just KNEW I wasn't hearing everything. He hasn't broken up with anyone and he hasn't affected a person like he has done me. He doesn't have the tools and he is alone in his decisions. Family, friends, counselors, others tell him to walk away, cut the cord, stop talking to me, move on. But he will admit as much as I will there is a bond, there is a connection and we could cut the string but the invisible line like ants leave their trail will still be there no matter what we do. He wants to place blame and say it is my fault for leaving and I understand why that is easier to do, but the reality here is I do not blame him for hurting me. I blame myself and I blame each other...mutually.
He asked me to stop writing the love letters, he said they were wearing on him. I have cut back my communication with him more and more, but the hardship is when we don't talk for awhile, he reaches through to me and it gives me hope. Hope that perhaps I should not have. Hope I should let go...but I can't.
I thought up til now he still loved me. I thought he still cared about me, deeply. I thought he still wanted me in his life but just does not trust me or believe in the changes in me.I thought he was just afraid to let me in again.I thought if I showed him and sent my love he would see what I see. He was meant for me and I was meant for him. My thoughts were solely based on our love fore the past four years, but how things have been since all of this drama began.
I asked to speak with him last night and hard pressed for answers. Answers not many would care to know. But I am unique. I am not like other women. I desire to grow. I desire to heal. I know from my life, healing, at times means hurting so that we may get THROUGH things in our lives. Pain is a part of process. I am not like others and I don't take forever to learn those lessons. I have known pain. I have know hurt. Hurting...is exactly what I got last night. I finally was given all the facts.
I found out he has already asked her to marry him. He proposed to her months ago. Sadly, not long after I left. I left Mid December, he proposed to her New Years Eve, a mere three weeks once I was gone. He hasn't been completely honest with for me of hurting me, but the lack of information only makes me feel like I don't know what to believe now, from him, in life, etc.
He told me up til now he was making level headed decisions. He told me he wasn't rushing into anything. He told me he was taking things slow. He told me many things in the past few months since I found out he was with her...I wouldn't say he quite lied, but he wasn't honest with me.
How am I to know how to heal when I don't have all the facts. How am I supposed to "Let Go" or "Move On" when I feel like all this time I have been on a string, I have been the hook. I can't help but feeling like I was being strung along even though he says that was not his "intention". Ok, I give you that. You may not know how to do this, deal with this or handle this...but hopefully you see my side and see where I would get that.
To say I became emotional during this conversation is an understatement. I couldn't breathe, my chest hurt, I was sobbing uncontrollably and I used a box and a half of tissues. The irony...he was crying too. It begs the question "Why?" I know he cares, but I can't get past the idea that this man still is in love with me. His heart is broke from my insecurities. He no more than said he was not afraid...then asked me if that hurt because when he answered I stopped speaking. Yes. Yes it hurt. More than you will ever be able to imagine. His voice was hard and cold and that hurt most of all. I sat there thinking "Did he say that to TRY and hurt me? IS this a ploy to test me to see if I really WILL let go and move on? Or does he REALLY feel this way?"
I have no clue and you know...I don't even want to know anymore. Oddly, I don't want to know though not because of what he MIGHT say, but because of what he might say. Yep. I just said the same thing twice but if you re read it in my voice, it will make more sense like this...
I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
I really don't.
Having the facts doesn't make things EASIER by far...but I do feel now,
like things are on a level playing field in a sense. Now what? I don't
know.
When I first came back my roommate asked me what I felt about him. I informed him I felt we were friends and I was thankful he gave me a place to stay. He said, he allowed me to come back because he "hoped" for more than that. Then he asked me to marry him. I sat there dumbfounded. I informed him I couldn't' do that to him because my thoughts were elsewhere. He said "Everything you feel for J I feel for you. Maybe someday you will let someone other than J have a chance at loving you."
Last night once I got off the phone with J it was late. But my roommate being a kind person though he is also tired of the drama came to me to see how I was doing and spoke with me about it all. He said I am not angry enough. He said he knew J was going to break my heart someday and he thought if he stepped in sooner than it would cushion the fall. He also said that he knew if I didn't walk away I would be heartbroken like this and damaged and he wanted to be the one to be there, waiting in the wings.
Hearing this nearly broke my heart even more. B is a good man. He is kind. He in sincere and he is an all around nice guy. But he is not perfect and he is not what I am looking for. When I was dating last year him and every other man was measured to the Yardstick of J. No, I am not a fool to believe J is perfect but most people in life look at a man they love or woman I guess and think "I love this person DESPITE their problems and insecurities..." But me, I love him, BECAUSE of them. I love him because I love him.
B was harsh in some of the things he said to me, but it did not change my viewpoint. He said, if I still have any hope or belief in J then I am hopeless. No man is ever going to crack that because I still believe. He said I am going to be like the old man at the end of the movie Inception, alone, withered and with no one and maybe I will remember that I pined for a love that doesn't want me or desire me. My loneliness will be my own fault. I am not getting any younger and though I may look stunning now at 42, looks fade and mine will too and that I should be more willing to accept and open my heart to someone and stop weeping and pining over J.
Yeah...OUCH. That's what I said.
He however is also moving on. He is getting a promotion that is taking him to Minnesota and he doesn't know when but it could happen while I am in Colorado. He made it clear to me last night, that he did nto see me in Minnesota with him and he wishes me luck in my life, cuz I am gonna need it.
Double OUCH.
So, I may be that lonely old woman just her and cats...but if you can't have the one you love...why settle for anything else...? Maybe I AM a fool for love. But he hasn't married her yet. She isn't living with him yet. She isn't pregnant...yet.
I am at a loss today, true. I have all the facts, but now what do I do with them? I don't know. I sent my last love letter a few days ago, so he won't have to worry about those. I will curb my communication and hopefully get to the point where I can leave him alone.
I may in my heart still be pining, yearning and hoping, but who say he has to know about it? In fact, he probably would rather not. Right now I need to work on healing me.
At this time, I just trying to do that...heal. I have doctor's visits for my possible PTSD and I have neurology appointments and MRI's to see why I keep having smoke smelling migraines. I have been feeling and afraid I am going to have an aneurism lately and though the doctor says he thinks that is highly unlikely, things I have described are common in those instances. The neurologist who is a specialist might want me to see another specialist when I get to Denver about how to deal with PTSD. He says it is not uncommon for people with issues like I have in life to have a nervous breakdown or suffer from PTSD I have had a breakdown before when I was younger but it was after sever physical abuse. In many ways I feel stronger and that I have learned better tools and skills to deal with things, but right now, I don't feel like I have those tools to deal wit this. He thinks going to a group and clinical studies, specifically about PTSD migt be a better option for me than a grief or loss counselor.
I don't know. I am just trying to breathe today. Show Up. Be present enough to function. All I really want to do is throw rocks. I want to throw rocks at the world, I want to throw rocks at the person in my family that molested me, I want to throw rocks at the person who used to hit me, I want to throw rocks at the person who raped me, I want to throw rocks and the people who hurt me in high school, I want to throw rocks at my mother for leaving when I was so young, I want to throw rocks at my father who died and abandoned me, I want to throw rocks at businesses who wouldn't hire me, I want to throw rocks at the business world who wouldn't give me a chance to succeed, I want to throw rocks at the men who hit on me, or say stupid shit to me like how hot I am, I want to throw rocks at the men who used me, I want to throw rocks at the people who judge me, I want to throw rocks at the people who won't allow me to express myself, I want to throw rocks at the universe, I want to throw rocks at everyone and everything. I want to throw rocks and scream and shout and feel it all so I don't have to feel it anymore....I just want to throw rocks at everything...
...but Forrest Gump says it best when he says "Sometimes There Just aren't Enough Rocks"
