Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Being Here. Being Human. Day Eight

Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Today, this can be writing ten things that are only because you want to.

Ten things that are not connected to time as money.
Ten things that have nothing to do when showing you can do something just as well as anyone else.
Ten things that reclaim the body’s lived experience without requiring it remains inside the binary.
Ten things that are here, all your own, for you, for their own sake.

What is your own experience?
Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott)
 

  1. I have ever felt the love of someone unconditionally until I met my third husband.
  2. I wish my mom lived closer
  3. I want to run away and live in the woods or country and homestead like they used, completely living off the land, no tech, no tv, maybe phones, but even if not, that is fine, perhaps only the land and me (and my spouse) picking berries, pruning bushes, gardening, canning, waking up each day with no agenda and just DO whatever the hell I want to.
  4. I have recently fallen in love with Oriah Mountain Dreamer and thus this has helped me reach my own reality about a part of me that also has in some circles started going under a new name that resonates with me more, but I have not shared it openly with anyone else except my mother.
  5. I yearn to write as profoundly as Isabel Abbot and Oriah Mountain Dreamer and slowly am allowing that person to unravel and become
  6. I am on Day 39 of 111 Vibrational Exercises and already feel a shift and my life, my connections, and my world is starting to not only change before me, but I am finally the true creator of it and know my Vibration is raised significantly.
  7. I have been growing my intuition through an app called Synctuition and  I feel my Vibration and Intuition starting to work in tandem throughout my soul.
  8. I always feel like my body is attacking me and no one will ever let me get away with saying that because it feels uncomfortable for them to hear.
  9. I have body dysmorphia internally and externally.
  10. I am ina constant state of fear my cancer will metastasize again. 

Being Here. Being Human. Day Seven

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

“What would it mean if we didn’t run from our own ugliness or each others? How do we take the sting out of ‘ugly?’ What would it mean to acknowledge our ugliness for all it has given us, how it has shaped our brilliance, and taught us about how we never want to make anyone else feel? What would it take for us to be able to risk being ugly, in whatever that means for us? What would happen if we stopped apologizing for our ugly, stopped being ashamed of it? What if we let go of being beautiful, stopped chasing ‘pretty,’ stopped sucking in and shrinking, and spending enormous amounts of money and time on things that don’t make us magnificent?


Where is the Ugly in you? What is it trying to teach you?”

- Mia Mingus, from Moving Toward the Ugly: A Politic Beyond Desirability

My ugly.

My ugly is on the inside.

I hate how my Aspergers gets in the way of others seeing the real me.
I hate how my Cyclothymia rears its mania head once in a while and I hate how it dives me headfirst into depression some days.

I don't always talk about it because who wants to hear that?

Plus you can't see my Degenerative Disc in my neck and back.

You can't see my body pain two cancers have created for me.

You can't see all the damage two rounds of hefty Chemo medication has created.

You see the damage to my organs.

You don't see my Hashimotos, AutoImmune Disorder.

Just because I don't talk about it...

Doesn't mean it is not there.


Friday, September 11, 2020

Being Here. Being Human. Day Five

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

What are your own small wins? What are the successes you want to name?

What of this life wants to be celebrated alongside the grief?
Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott)

It all matters, and is worthy of occupying our words and space and remembrance.
Let’s write our words of celebrations to all the small and not so small things.

My small wins:

  • Creating a new web page for my Toastmasters District
  • Organizing all my fabric people donated to me this year
  • Labeling and naming each fabric I have to up my game to allow customers to see my fabric choices and pick from them. Game changer!
  • Completed the new ReBranding of my business and I am so happy with it.
  • Found three different people to start working for my Fashion Business. One Virtual Assistant, One lady to make my floral headbands, one gal to help me some fashion needs
  • Created and doing a daily practice of reading and meditation from Raise Your Vibration by Kyle Gray and feeling my vibration get stronger
  • Have a regular schedule to listen to my Synctuition and have raise my intuition levels
  • For the first time since 2014, we have a couch and a chair 1/2 that I completely manifested for free and it's nearly brand new
  • Carving out time for myself for self-care
  • Have made Magic Realism a priority to do daily
  • Being able to spend time with friends
  • Being here, alive, is a huge win for me
  • My precious win I always feel honored to have is my spouse. He truly loves me unconditionally and I never thought I would find another that would exist that way.
Doing this challenge today really helped me see the wins in my life, not just the pain.

What are your wins? They can be small or large.

Thursday, September 10, 2020

Being Here. Being Human. Day Four

 "It is never asked if the other person might labor to translate into my brain’s diverging language or seek to enter into the interfolded knowing of my own lived experience. And so, through the hoops of translation I go, contorting each time, until the connection received at the other end almost always seems to help the other person far more than myself, assuring them of something. They think they know me more; and yet I feel less known than before the conversation began. My pain has somehow been smoothed over, erased, made more palatable."


Omg, I am so freakin tired of explaining myself to others to make THEM feel better. To make THEM at ease.


Where does it hurt? How does it hurt? 

Today, let’s name our losses, as many as you want and choose.
Let’s speak our pain, in our words, the body that has suffered having its say.
Let’s lay down the need to make sense to another and allow these experiences their own place of belonging at the table of our lexicons and languages.
I am here, interested and listening and ready to receive it.

Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott) 


I ache. I'm in pain. Constantly. The only thing that ever seems to change is the level of pain. Am I LEvel 9 or Level 10. Oh, wow, I've been doing Physical Therapy. It's down to an 8. Alert the media. Not.

People, meaning my therapist, emotional, physical and massage, therapist, all hate it when I say,


"I feel like my body is out to get me. I feel like it is always fighting with me. I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting. It's hard to love a body that keeps failing you."


They say "Oh don't say that. That can't be true. " or " You've got this!"

Maybe I don't wanna get it. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I am sick and tired of fucking getting it. 

You don't understand. You only have seen, PART of my journey. 

I have had issues since before I was born. My mother had experimental chemo and radiation before she knew she was pregnant. Now I am not blaming anyone, so don't get your knickers ina twist. My mother and have discussed this and who knows, it could be a contributor.

After I was born. At 3 years old I had a rake fall on my head and I got stitches for the first time, but not the last. When I was ten, A coat rack fell on my while I was playing hide and seek. Oddly, I still like the game. I seemed to always have a cold growing up. I had back issues from Dance and Gymnastics and all I was putting my body through. I have been in a few car accidents. I had children before my body was ready and that made my body react negatively with ovarian pain, back pain, and more. In my 40s I fell and hurt my back making it worse. 

Then to add to all this misery, I found out I had Stage 3 Colon Cancer. I told the doctors in Iowa since 201 something was wrong with my colon. I begged for a colonoscopy. No one would listen. I was treated for my back degeneration and saw pain management but no one would look at my colon.

Sadly, a year after I married my third husband that I made chase me for five years because I was not sure if It wanted to get married again or not. To add to that emotional pain, his mother passed away five months after we were married, earlier in the year, I found out I had cancer. That was difficult, but not for me. For what we are speaking of here now. 

I felt like I spent 2016-2017 explaining myself to others. Not even just explaining, but making them ok with what was happening to me. I spent time, soothing their minds. Stroking their souls. Assuring them I was okay with things, even if I wasn't. 

In a way I was ok. I always knew in my life that something tragic was going to happen to me, I just didn't know when. I nearly smacked one spiritualist when she said "You know, you probably give yourself cancer with your negative way of thinking that would happen. By thinking something WOULD happen you made it happen."  Really, I almost hit her. Honestly.

In my Cyclothymia (Bi-polar symptom) mind, I started fixating on that. "Was it my fault?" "Did I give myself this illness?" I talked to my therapist about it...A LOT.

I had a whole year in 2018 to live. To explore. To travel. To celebrate life. To start seeing life differently. We planned and went on a trip for a whole month in France and a little bit in Holland. Amsterdam. Volendam and other areas. We moved into a new apartment closer to my husband's work so we could spend more time together. I was in a pure state of bliss. Je Suis Contente.

Was it enough? Did I learn the lesson I needed to learn? 

Evidently not.

My second cancer was found in February 2019. However, I started having issues right after we came back from France. At first, I passed it off, must just be my body getting used to American food and ways again. We came back on September 1st  and by October I was in the doctor's office. My ovaries or something in that region was really bothering me. We did  Biopsies let and right. All inconclusive. Months went by and it was Christmas. A friend asked me to help him at a Kiosk in the mall. Not a good idea. We were right in front of the Santa pictures. That meant a lot of kids wiping their snot and sick germs all over everything I was touching. The sneezed openly and coughed openly. OF course, I got sick. My husband got sick. Then he got that horrible Flu. Then I got that horrible flu and had to get pneumonia and flu shot afterward. I still felt horrible and thought I was gaining weight because my stomach was getting bigger. In January, I noticed my abdomen getting larger but yet I really had no appetite and I knew I wasn't eating much. 

The tail end of January I went to the doctor and other tests were done. Come to find out my abdomen was swelling and I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my ovaries and it was leaking fluid into my abdomen. By the beginning of February, the doctors were running around like chickens with their head cut off again because they didn't listen to me when I said there was an issue.

I spent all of 2019 in an infusion room it felt. Talking to other cancer warriors. Some not as warrior minded as me. Some had cancers four times in a row or some had more severe cancer. I felt like that was not even a place I could speak about my cancer without having to be careful what I say or how I say it. Someone people were brutally honest when we spoke and I loved that! But most people talked about their cancer. They talked about everything else BUT their cancer though that was the largest thing in their face! 

The hardest moment I had was when my first chemo appointment. My friend Angela went with me. She was a cancer survivor and understood. Plus she was a spiritualist like me and allowed me to be me and express myself however I needed to. I cherish her.  That first day was hard for both of us.

I walked over to the recliner to sit down and immediately the memory came back to me of all the time I sat there a few years ago. 

I burst into tears.

I shouted, "IT'S NOT FAIR! It's JUST NOT FAIR!WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE CANCER AGAIN? WHY? CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME? "

She held me as I sobbed and sobbed. When I finally sat down I looked around me and I saw people looking at me with sincere hearts and love. They knew the feeling. I knew by the look in their eyes they were saying back to me "I know. I know what you are going through. I understand that emotion.it's okay to be yourself here. We get it."

At the end of 2019 I was given the status of NED, No Evidence of Disease, however, I was told I need to keep my port in and I have to get Avastin regularly. I may have to get it for the rest of my life. 

In January of 2020, I started getting my Avastin Once a month.

As of now, I have pains because of the Avastin side effects. I have shoulder tension and jaw tension. I have Hashimotos from all the chemo I went through, it affected my thyroid and this happens often in cancer patients. I have been complaining about my neck and shoulder and chest since last fall. Another series of no one listening to me. Joy. Not.

Finally, we are getting some Physical therapy happening and it is helping but not 100%

I have pains because of my Degenerative Disc in my neck and back. Plus the added should pain isn't helping.

I have been getting these odd pains under my breast, still can't figure that one out.

I lie in bed every night acknowledging each pain and doing what I can to alleviate the pain or make it tolerable enough that I can maybe get some sleep. I wake every morning in pain and take pills to try and relax my muscles and take care of that. Throughout the day, I stretch and take more pain pills to try and help. It takes the edge off but I am still in pain.

I told my therapist I think the term "Cronic Sufferer" is now my label I associate with the most.

Others do not understand my pain. Even if you have pains similar to mine, you are not in my body or feeling my pain. 

I am a positive person and do my best to remain and show positivity to others because it soothes them. It strokes their soul. It makes them feel better about what I am going through. 

I never realized how much I do that until I read this prompt and started thinking about it.

Thank you Isabel for the aid in allowing those feelings out.

I know pain is my life. I have accepted it. 

Now...

I am able to greet it, in a different way. <3


Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com


Tuesday, September 08, 2020

Being Here. Being Human. Day 2. Year 2020

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Day Two

Telling stories remakes the world!


Today we can begin to make the space.

We aren’t leaving ourselves or one another behind.

What story are you telling?
What world are you remaking?
What one thing do you want to name today?

I am telling the story of an overcomer, a survivor, a soldier a warrior.
I tell the stories others are afraid to share and listeners are not used to hearing.
I tell stories about hard things
I tell the stories os the power of positivity
I tell stories about being authentic and real.
I tell stories about how I create the life I love and how others can too.
I tell the stories about advocacy, patient, or otherwise.

Through my stories,
I am remaking a world into a place of love
I am remaking a world into a place of acceptance.
I am remaking a world of awareness.
I am remaking a world of Compassion, Empathy, Tolerance, Resiliency, Evolving

What one thing do I want to name today?

Today I name myself as a powerful Master Manifestor of Miracles!

~Xoxo Trisha Trixie

Monday, September 07, 2020

Being Here. Being Human: Day 1. Year 2020.

Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Today is the first day of a new online project I am doing by Being Here. Being Human. https://www.beingherehuman.com/

SEPTEMBER 7 TO SEPTEMBER 18: MAGICAL REALISM W/ ISABEL ABBOTT

A writing workshop for those living with disability and/or chronic illness

Two weeks where we will write through the intersections of disability, accessibility, the sick/well binary of the disordered and diagnoses, the mundane and naming what is real, hybridity and living in spaces between, celebrating the small things, care, and creation, mourning and making a world where we leave none of us behind.

A writing space by us
About us
For us

(If you want to join I am not sure if they are still taking people)

https://www.beingherehuman.com/writing-workshop

Day 1- For today, what do you need to write, about you and for you?

What realities pass through your head without any other consideration?

We have these next days to write for ourselves. This time is for you, about you. And you know you best. You, the subject of your own words and writing and life. You know what you need for something to be accessible. For something to be for you and about you. You know all of what comes from the hours spent alone, and from the learning and the unlearning, that happen in these unruly bodies and disordered brains. You. And in this you, us. Together, we are allowed to bring it back to this, each in our own way.


“I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best.”
― Frida Kahlo

The realities that pass through my mind that I have accepted are...

  • The reality that I have more brain fog from all my chemo than I realized.
  • The reality that this brain fog is limiting to my daily life and tasks.
  • The reality that I will always be misunderstood by someone and I accept that
  • The reality that I am a direct communicator
  • The reality that I am real, raw, and hones to a fault
  • The reality that I am authentic and that scares some people
  • The reality that I am"too much" for some people and...
  • The reality that if I am " too much" then those are not my people
  • The reality that I am a lightworker, a star seed, a healer, a shaman, an indigo child
  • The reality that I am good at what I do, though saying that out loud is often taken as Egotistical
  • The reality that I can handle "more" in most situations than most people
  • The reality that I am a hard worker and a smart worker
  • The reality that because of all my pains, cancer, ailments, disorders, etc I tend to have a much higher tolerance for pain than I used to. 
  • The reality that because I have a high tolerance, I am often misjudged or diagnosed because others have shaped their disbelief, thus they think the same applies to me
  • The reality that my body is flawed. Degenerative disc in neck and back, Hashimoto's, GI issues because of my colon cancer, as well as two cancers have severely altered my body.
  • The reality that we all are perfectly imperfect in our own way.
  • The reality that others have not ever walked a journey like I have so they will never understand and I need to quit expecting them to.
  • The reality that my tribe may be small but powerful, loving, and accepting.
  • The reality that I give more than I receive
  • The reality that I am unique
  • The reality that I have body dysmorphia and have a hard time loving my body because of this, but also the reality that I struggle to love my body because I often feel like my body is attacking me or out to get me after having cancer twice and so many side effects and issues from the chemo than I care to mention
  • The reality that life is precious to me because I truly know there are no guarantees in life
  • The reality that if I desire to change I need to be the change
  • The reality that I am a good human
  • The reality that I look at  things, life, etc with a kaleidoscope vision
  • Lastly, the reality that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and not the other way around
I am sure if I stood here, at my standing desk longer, I could come up with more, but my intuition has stopped me here at this point in my writing.

I am grateful for this challenge and appreciate the writing prompts to help us along.
I am thankful to Isabel Abbot for sharing her gifts with us so that we may share our gifts with others.

Peace Love and Happiness
Trixie <3