Sunday, January 29, 2012

Leaving a Memory of Her Father's Eyes by Living in the Dark Before the Morning

I started my Sunday listening to my Christian music. The playlist is a compilation so I don't have a clue when a song is coming to com eon in what order...I think I have it on shuffle too (not sure). Out of the blue Father's Eyes come on by Amy Grant.

I already had plans to go to Boone today to visit my sisters and take the Non-Profit items to her as a donation from my Non-Profit, Warriors for the Homeless, to her church God's House on Earth

I have started taking the back way, through a town called Slater, then Madrid then the back way up on the old farm. The Boone Cemetery is around the corner from the farm so as I am driving by I decide I need to go see my father.The song I heard earlier is resonating through my mind. I think further into this that at a time like this a girl really needs her father. (Dead or not)

Oddly enough, later on tonight when I came back one of my friends had posted a link about how the attitude and actions toward daughters can determine their future relationships. The blog is called Faith Promise if you want to read the full excerpt and more of the blog posts.

The part that really jumped out at me was how she mentions how much doing these things affect the daughter's future in future relationships.

Affirm Her
She looks to you for affirmation, encouragement, & guidance.  As she grows through puberty (ESPECIALLY, as she grows through puberty), she needs your voice reminding her that she is beautiful, valuable and worthy of love.  If she can learn to believe you, then she’ll believe her future husband when he tells her the same things.

Set the Standard
Be the husband you want her to have one day.  Enough said.  Is it difficult?  Yes.  Does it mean sacrifice?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Yes.  I watch my husband daily making changes to be a better husband and dad.  He’s amazing.  He demonstrates for our daughter the kind of man he wants her to marry one day.

Talk About the Standard
Talk about the future.  As you “Imagine the End” and think about the man you hope she marries… talk about it!  Let her know what you expect.  Set the bar.  She’ll do everything she can to jump over it.

Soooo, here's the irony. I am standing at my father's grave site before I even knew this post was being sent out and I am openly saying to a deceased father, spirit, or whatever you believe these things (Seriously I was) standing at his grave looking at this plate, talking to my father

(The shadow is his Vietnam Vet Marker) He died when I was 10 years old

"Daddy, I miss you so much. I long for you as I have longed for years to have a father in my life. It's not fair other girls had dad's who helped them grow. Who taught them what boys to look out for and what boys were ok. A father who was there not only to guide, but to protect his daughter and glare at the boy picking up his daughter while he cleaned his gun.  I never had brothers or a dad to tease me pick on me and toughen me up. I had to learn it through life and hard knocks and trials. I have had to survive even before you died, mom leaving, her cancer, molestation, and then just when I felt like I was safe again, you died. It's not fair. I needed that. I needed that father figure in my life. L (stepfather) was there but daddy you know it wasn't the same. He was so worried about stepping on mom's toes he was my friend not a father. I needed you. I needed my dad. My military, stern, will kick the shit out of you if you hurt my daughter, dad! I needed to know I was ok when the boys didn't want me in high school, I needed to hear I am lovely and wonderful and unique from YOU, not from others in my life. I needed your love and example. I needed to know what kind of man to look for and what kind of man DID deserve a girl like me. It hurts my heart right now to go through this pain and this agony knowing that if I had that, I would be equipped with the tools I need now. I would have had a dad saying "Sorry sweetie but sometimes we don't always get what we want." I needed my father and now and through the years, I felt the loss deeply of not having you near. Please daddy, please be with me now. Please watch over and protect me and please work with Heavely Father to bring me peac to my heart...because I need it as desperately as I have always needed you. I love you." 

Then I kissed my hand, touched his stone, and walked away...

 I sit in the car and I start singing the song Father's Eyes. 

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world
But thats alright as long as I can have one wish, I pray
When people look inside my life, I wanna hear them say

She's got her father's eyes
Her father's eyes
Eyes that find the good in things
When good is not around
Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found
Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain
Knowing what you're going through, and feelin' it the same

Just like my father's eyes
my father's eyes
my father's eyes
Just like my father's eyes

On that day when we will pay for all the deeds we've done
Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone
And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me
More than anything I know, I want your words to be

She had her father's eyes, her father's eyes
eyes that found the good in things when good was not around
eyes that found the source of help when help would not be found
Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain
Knowin' what you're goin' through and feelin it the same

Just like my father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
Just like my father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
My father's eyes
My father was a loved and revered man.Everyone loved him. There were so many people at his funeral and they even closed school that day. My friends were there, family I had not seen in years and townspeople who would say "Hi Mr. Hunter" and tip their brim hat to him. He left a cherished memory. I long to be like my real father as much as I long to be like my Heavenly Father. Because of this is why I ever made When I Leave video montage in the first place. What astounds me how many people have viewed this video. 
4,601 views today

I know what I have overcome in life and I know who I am and what type of person I am. I know in my heart, I AM those things. I know I AM that person. The desire to continue to be like that will not change because my heart is broken. I am making a difference. Through Facebook, through my smile, through my love and mostly perhaps...through my compassion. I have been there. I have endured. I empathize.
I balled to my sister's today telling them about this convo I had with my dead father and crying in pain that I don't have the tools to deal with this. My sisters say "You have all the tools because of OTHER things in your life. Loss of a job, contracts that chose others, divorces, and many other things." I nod and whimper. I see what they are saying. It IS starting to sink  in. They tell me all the wonderful ways I have overcome and how strong I really am and how I will overcome this too. How I make a difference in others life and how a great part of that is because the pains I go through.  
I used to wonder. I don't' wonder anymore. When I Leave, I will leave a fragrance behind. I will leave a lasting memory. I am a good person. I have a tender heart and I see the good in people.
Exactly what the song says
eyes that found the good in things when good was not around
eyes that found the source of help when help would not be found
Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain
Knowin' what you're goin' through and feelin it the same
I haven't ever felt this pain or this heartache so deeply. I today realize after having a chance to talk with J that I have inflicted this type of pain on him and possibly on others. The thought of that does NOT comfort me, instead it creates a harder pain knowing I have ever made someone feels this bad. Knowing that I personally have inflicted this much sorrow, misery or loneliness on someone else. I have been given the gift of empathy. I have many gifts and that is not one easy to bear. But in this moment, in this trial, now I know. Heavenly father has recently bestowed upon me the gift of knowledge to learn why I run away. The gift of understanding to see effort on my part and others. The gift of love. To feel a love so deep, so strong, so lovely and so true that when taken from me, I feel as though I cannot breathe air and without the love of this man, I feel more consumed than when I am with him. No person can make you whole. You have to make you whole. I see that now too. Lastly, God has given me the gift of heartache, grief and loss. Once again but in a different way. We must taste the bitter, to know of the sweet. 

My pain right now feels unbearable. In my mind, I know the answers. I know the truth. But my heart aches and years so deeply for this man. J said it best today when mentions in convo how it hurts him to see me "Pining" for him because he thinks I can do better. 

  • An overpowering longing for something/someone especially when two lovers are apart.
  • Pining is a unbearable longing for a unreachable loved one. Symptoms included frequent crying.Denial has also been noticed in patients recently.
  • An irresistible yearning
  • a strong wish for something
 I think the last one to be the most true. I wish for us. I wish for him to come back to me. I wish for another chance. I wish she is not what he wants. I wish he is still so in love with me, he can't fall IN love with her. I wish she gets so irritated at  he and I still talking she gives him an ultimatum or walks away. I wish him happiness in his life, just not with her. :) He thinks I would feel the same with someone else, but I really don't think so. There is someone else I thought he was with before I knew it was her and if he had said THAT girls name, I actually was fine. Ok, more fine than THIS girl.  This girl is not like being on the 5th or 6th date. They have history so it is like being on the 14,000th date. Your relationship is different that far in. No I don't wish it was her. But I do with the best for him. I wish for he and I to remain friends. But I wish for more than even just that. But all the wishing and pining is not going to be him back to me. HE said tonight he really DOES want me to move on. I wish he didn't. :( I wish my pain would stop hurting and I wish for peace in my heart.

After J and I talked I begin to drive home,  I tune on Life 107.1 a christian station here and the song is Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. I begun to cry to where I have to stop the car. I didn't even make it 10 feet from where I was parked before.

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see


Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning 
No, I don't wonder.  I know. Deep down. I know. 
I was bestowed this gift and should look at it as a blessing.
I just have to remember and keep telling myself..
I do have my Father's Eyes
I will leave a memory
When I Leave
and all of this is Just the Dark
Before the Morning...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Eat, Pray, Love...Soul Mates

Through this hardship many people have suggested to me to read Eat, Pray, Love. Yes I have watched the movie and heard many times over it is NOT the same.  I do however have the audiobook and have listened to it in the past but never made it all the way through. So I opened up my Itunes and click in to where I last left off. Fate, Irony, whatever you want ti call it works in mysterious ways, lemme tell ya.

I draw my bath with my relaxing crystals, Skin So Soft oil and a candle. I have the Master Bedroom so the bathroom is connected very closely. It is pretty much like living in a studio apartment. I turn up the volume on my speakers and settle in to listen.

As Elizabeth Gilbert is speaking I shake my head in disbelief. Wow...what a funny place I left off. It was like the Universe knew I was going to need to hear this at this time. This really hit home right here. I want to share the excerpt with you now. Chapter 48-

"I don't want anyone to talk to me. I can't tolerate anyone's face right now. Worst of all I can't stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it's all coming up again."
Richard from Texas says "give it another six months, you'll feel better."

"I've already given it twelve months Richard."

"Then give it six more. Just keep throwin' six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time." 

Richard goes on "Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that." [... she mentions she thought David was her soul mate]

Richard continues, "He probably was. Your problem is that you don't understand what that word means. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person whos shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah, too painful. Soul mates, they just come into your life and reveal another layer of yourself to you, then they leave. Your problem is you can't let this one go. It's over. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. [...] Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. [...She says she loves and misses him.]

So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand.

If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess over this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. Guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in -God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

"But I wish me and David could-"

Richard cuts her off, "See now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." [...]


I sat right up to listen. I didn't turn on more hot water as I feared it would drown out the words. I did not care if the bath was cold, I felt "This moment in the audio was meant for me to listen to it, now here, at this time. So listen up."

I sat very still. My thoughts agreed with what was being said.

All the while she needed to use her backbone and realize she is not supposed to be with David because they made each other terribly miserable despite their undeniable love, she needed to be true to her heart and wants, and that the world was hers for the exploring and it would be just the thing that would help her gain her strength back. 

My thoughts now culminating :

Despite mine and J's undeniable love we were the same. We kept making each other miserable. I would try, he would try but it never seemed to be enough for either of us. Were we once happy, yes, sure we were. We were crazy happy! He drove to me, I drove to him, I moved to Nebraska for him not knowing anyone. Even after the honeymoon phase we loved being with each other.  I never fell in love with someone like that. I fell. Fell hard. I was madly in love with him. I never wanted, looked or desired anything or anyone else but him. I would go to events for the Jaycees and people would hit on me and I gladly would walk away and say no. I had never been faithful to anyone. That is hard to say because it shows my past, but it is true. I was always faithful to him though because I never wanted anything else. Even when towards the end other men were trying so hard to pull me away, the only thing they succeeded in was stealing me away locationally, but they are unable to keep me because I want him. Emotionally, Physically, Spiritually. I want J. He is all I ever wanted. Him and more of him. We hit a bump in the track and my train got derailed. I was able to get back on the train, but I think my track changed. I hate myself for being weak and allowing others to influence my brain like that. IF they hadn't, I think J and I would still be together. Love takes effort. It takes time. It takes commitment. Commitment to never leave no matter what. Irony? I was the one always saying he wasn't committed but really it was me. Now I am ready for commitment...and he has moved on. I do feel like J was my soul mate. I never knew love like that.

It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it's going to become complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.

 In looking for the excerpt for this book I came upon a blog of someone else, Kristen, who recently went through a break up. Her words really spoke to me so I want to share them with you.

All this time I thought I was trying to get over a boyfriend, when in actuality I was getting over a soul mate. He was my mirror, the person that smacked me awake and brought down my walls. In doing so he changed me for the better by first changing me for the worst. He came into my life on purpose just as I have come upon this book, to reveal the ME that I had masked over time and to show me that the answers are all around me.  
 I have always felt like J was my soul mate, so I felt like I have been trying to get over a  soul mate, but I do feel that in many ways he was the mirror. He came into my life on purpose and by changing me right now for the worst, he is changing me for the better.

In the show Switched at Birth, Daphne says "It's no fun going after something you're not going to get". Thous I agree wholeheartedly, I am having a hard time putting on the brakes. I am working on it. I am working on changing. Today, I got out of my Sweatpants. Put on real pants. I have been wearing my Cuffs lately but the stars on them keep getting caught on things. I am in an agressive, black, gray and dark mood right now. Being the fashion person I am, I decide today (doing things I can decide on at least), to buy some new cuffs. I found some new cuffs and some new earrings and well so my outside matches my inside...angry, upset, dark..

(lft) some soft cuffs, top rt, my star cuffs, middle my new cuffs, bottm lft my long cross earrings, bttm rt, my new brass ring with a rose earrings
I talked to my counselor today and she makes mention to me like others are saying "Things take time. The heart and the head don't always work at the same time. The head needs to be louder." Yes, things take time. And though I know up in my head, I will be ok and I will get over him, and I should want his happiness, right now I hate the other woman, want to scream at the world, I don't feel ok, I don't feel strong, and my heart hurts so much that I want to rip it out and shoot it full of holes and then go buy a new one. But the problem is, no one tells you until it is too late that you really CAN'T buy a new one they can only refurbish the old one. I have to go through this. I know. I just don't have to like it. I feel lost, alone, confused and unequipped with the proper tools to handle this. The reality is: not many people have broken up with me. Not many people turn me away. When they do I feel insecure like when I was in high school feeling not good enough, playing the "IF I" game in my head. "If I was smarter, if i was cuter, if I was more tolerant, If I was nicer, If I was kinder to his family, If I knew what I wanted, IF I, If I, If I..." But the cold, hard reality is I AM NOT. I am NOT those things and IF HE wants her then he doesn't want me. I am not what he needs nor wants.

Face it. 

I am not ready to "move on" and I am in shell shock that he is. I am not ready to make all the changes needed to, but slowly I am making decisions and changes that do affect me in one way or the other.

Hair color? No not yet.
Place of residence- Visiting Colorado for two months or more to see if I might move there, yes.
and today...I added
New Cell Phone? Yes.
Git rid of the old. Git in with the new.
You would be surprised at how healing it is to get rid of an old cell phone after a break up. Very.
All pictures-gone. All messages-gone.

He wants me to let go. He wants space. He wants her.
He said he would be sad if he didn't have a friendship with me. He would be sad if we didn't talk.
Well. If I were the other woman and my ex was still hanging onto his ex, I don't think I would like that very much. How are you supposed to "be on your journey" if you have me waiting in the wings? Sorry, but I don't want to be on your HOOK. I want to be with you. If we can't have that, Sara says I need to ask myself "Can I be JUST friends with J?" IF we never have anything else, can I accept that? I don't know. I just don't know. But I most definitely am going to give it lots of thought. Two months worth in fact.

For now, I know I NEED to let go.

It is just so very hard to let go. I am not ready yet, but maybe I am getting there. Right now I still feel like this

 i will let you go
when the world stops spinning
i will let you go
when the world stops spinning
i will let you go
when the sun and the stars explode
and the world stops spinning

i don't need a savior
i don't need a saint
when the moment comes
i'll be calling out your name
how i long to be with you till the end

Until then, I have a new phone, new jewelry, and a new perspective to ponder and think about....
One day Peace will come to me, 
just not today

Friday, January 27, 2012

Make Up Your Mind

I finished reading Looking Up tonight. It is a Devotional journal about getting stuck in the Pit/Valley and how to get out of it. It has some exercises you can answer and I bought it last year at Hope Lutheran Church sometimes in the early Spring. I was reading it pretty much daily, but then life happened and I set it down. Because of current events, of course, I picked it back up.
Click Here for E book or Where to Buy

I was talking to a friend tonight about one of the decisions I made to not share of myself so much with my ex. If he wants all my love, care, encouragement, ego boosting and more, then he should want to want the rest of me. If she is so great, shouldn't she be filling that for him? Why should he get all the good parts of me without the relationship aspect? That isn't fair. I am a caring person and very giving but there is a difference to what I give my friends and what I give those I have feelings for.

" There's the encouragement and philosophy you share out to the world on FB
and then there's the special, intimate, customized treatment you give someone you love"
Couldn't have said it better myself.

This of course is just one of the many things I have made my mind up about. In teh book it says:

If you want to get out of the pit, out of the valley, you have to make up your mind to do so. The ground beneath you is only as great as your resolve. Otherwise you are standing on a banana peel.
So, after over a month of begging this man to give me another chance, and getting the final answer that nope, no hope, I am DONE with you, I made up my mind about a few things that were hard, but I knew I had to do them.
I am tired of being pushed and pulled into different directions. For a man who doesn't want to send mixed messages he sure is sending mixed messages. Our emails back and forth (for the lack of him wanting to talk to me live like I thought we should. I mean who am I only the woman he said he was in love with for 4 years, half of the time in his marriage, but no, really email is a GREAT way to help someone heal over a breakup when we could have met in person) resulted in the words finally were said "Nope no hope, if you asked and years maybe." 

Hmm..well that REALLY is No now isn't it. 

William: The thing is... with you I'm in real danger. It seems like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours, but my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not recover, if I was once again cast aside, as I would absolutely expect to be. You'd go and I'd be, well, buggered, basically.
Anna: That really is a real no, isn't it? Don't forget I'm also just a girl...standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her... 
 Oh wait, but with a hook. "if you asked ...". If I asked (not doing that anymore so that won't happen) and years maybe...(hmm, years. so the 4 years I gave you wasn't enough? Wow. Hold on let me get right on pining & waiting for you some more. That sounds thrilling) Sounds like he wants to keep me on the hook.

But, nope. STILL not enough...SO I decided. Wednesday morning I read my journal and it said Make Up Your Mind. and I set the book down and went about my day. But everything kept leading me to do just that. So after that blasted email, I was quite emotional. I won't go into details but upset does NOT even begin to describe my feelings and emotions.  I gathered my things and myself and headed out the door. 

I had made up my mind.

  • to send my ex's niece her birthday gift along with things I was giving her he gave me I no longer wanted or could look at instead of putting her in the middle or hurting her, sparing both our feelings
  • to send his brother who now like snow globes my globes so someone will appreciate them and enjoy them and I don't have to worry about them. Worst case, he says he doesn't want them and gives them to my ex
  • to send the blanket back to him (pink fuzzy) that normally comforts me and quiets my tears, the blanket that normally heals me and warms me, cuz now it harbors thoughts of longing & memories of something I can't have...him.
  • to clean out the basement and throw a lot of things I have decided I no longer need or enjoy
  • to give 7 boxes to a friend so someone else could enjoy things they wouldn't normally have
  • to give all my homeless NP stuff to my sisters church as a donation since they need it anyway
  • to keep all items off my walls I recently has on them and either throw them away or put them away
  • to send a box of his things, things he made for me, gave to me, we did together, cards, letters etc...back to him. I am not a loon and have no desire to burn them or throw them away, but right now I just can't bear to look at them. He said he would hold onto things for me, well, hold on to that until or if I can ever look at it again. Right now, that would be a no.
I made up my mind about contacting him or not contacting him I should say:
  • to not email him or text him on every whim (To fight the Urge)
    • This not only helps me as far as restraint, but gives him what he asked for...SPACE
    • (I got yelled at for emailing too much though he was the one who hadn't checked his email in days, but if we would have SEEN each other, there wouldn't' have been a boatload of emails)
  • that I will no longer beg, plead, or even reach out to him anymore
    • My heart ends up scarred and frayed for the lack of him wanting me or desiring me
  • that I will no longer be sharing my energy or goodness with him anymore, this includes but not limited to
    • I will not be sending him positive, uplifting messages in the morning anymore or throughout the day
    • I will not send him congrats by card, flowers gifts or otherwise when things improve for him at work
    • I will not send inspiring packages of treats or goodies to show my love
    • I will not forward, send or help him get connected with business people or networking anymore
    • I will nto send emails or videos from You Tube anymore
      • 1-He says he doesn't ever watch them because he is at work and when he is home he is tired
      • so 2- if he is not watching or even listening to them, what is the point because the feeling is in the song and how it makes you feel not the lyrics as they are there to enhance
    • no more sending any handwritten cards or letters in regular mail
  • I have decided I am done reaching.
    • If he wants to be a part of my life, he needs to contact me
      • Though I have decided this means, I will walk away from teh computer, my phone etc and not wait to hear from him anymore
      • If he calls then he does. If he emails then he does. He knows the best time to reach me, he knows me. If he wants to be a part of my life, then he needs to reach.
      • I reached, begged and pleaded and got almost shoved off the cliff 
      • He thinks I will keep reaching, keep asking and I am not. I am done. I am hurt. no more.
  • I have decided to go to Colorado for a few months away from other influences, most especially men so I can REGROUP in a safe place
  • I do not plan to date for the next 6 months, perhaps longer
I have relationship hopped for so long that I am sick, lost confused and now, because of this


I will always love him, but if he wants her he is done with me. I asked him to date us both and he said no. I said leave her and he said no. I have made some vast improvements in the past couple of weeks, yet the answer is always, no.

If he would rather have her than the beautiful soul of me inside and out...ok...go for it.

I guess I am not wanted. He thinks he doesn't want me, but I strongly feel he is lying to himself. I say this because he tells me over and over how "happy he is with her" and how"she makes him happy" but if that is the case then why don't you want to lose me out of your life?" Because you want all those parts that make up me. But as I said in the beginning of this post, it is not fair to ask me for that without the rest...of me...that truly is...

wanting the cow and asking for the milk for free

SHE should be the encourager
SHE shoud be the ego booster
SHE should be the one giving him congrats for kudos at work
SHE should be his muse
If SHE is "So great" then SHE needs to be GREAT for him

I think that either she will or she won't be and if she isn't then he may come to his senses and  see all the great things I do for him and how wonderful I treat him and am there for him. Maybe he will see how much I love him, but how I show my love and maybe I am being boastful but I don't think any woman can fill my shoes.

So we had problems, so we fought, who doesn't. Love endures. If this can't endure, then perhaps this wasn't love. It pains me to say it like that, but I don't know what else to think when only after a few weeks he has moved on, loves her, thinks he always has and he might want to marry her and have babies or not with her. I am willing to give him all those things. I have asked over and over why no? The ONLY reason he can say is "I left" So otherwise he thinks I am amazing but because I want to live somewhere else while we could have both gotten our life together until the time was right, you would rather BE WITH HER?


Be careful what you wish just might get it. Making up your mind is hard. I realize it can hurt others, but sometimes certain things need to happen. He keeps saying how he is sticking to his decision and his mind is made up...ok..well my mind is made up too...

You want her not me


POOF...I let you go...along with me...I let me let go of you...

now both our minds are made up

Thursday, January 26, 2012

How you know you are ready for change by the color of your hair

Sweatpant Phase 1
Stripclub Phase 2 (for girls I think it's Karoake)
Picturing yourself with someone else Phase 3

I was standing at Kmart (can't go to Target anymore because that is where WE always shopped and fits of tears in a superstore makes people look at you funny...believe I know it has happened recently)...

Anyway, was standing there getting the small items I needed since I was ACTUALLY out of my sweatpants and into real live people clothes. (Problem is you can be out of Phase 1 temporarily and tend to go back into it) OK I was in jeans and a baggy shirt, no makeup and no jewels, but I was out. Mind you, I looked like shit, just ran into my ex's brother in law and was so extremely happy I looked like shit. Ok, that was a rare moment of thought because if I looked great then everyone would think "I am fine" and I MOST certainly am NOT! (stewie reference)

I decide while I am out, to go to Kmart. I rarely shop at Kmart. I grew up with Blue Light specials and all but what can I say, the clientle in my area and most has gone down. Kmart just isn't what it used to be. (rambling sorry)

So I get tape to send off some boxes I have to others of things I can no longer stand or bear to look at from him. I try to decided which tape will seal the deal better and stand there dumbfounded just for that thinking about sending these things to various places and truly asking myself if I WANT to do that, if I really want to give these things away? Irregardless, I buy two rolls of Shipping Tape (who knew there were so many varieties of tape just to send a box or package).

I wander over to Pain relief to try to buy more Excedrin only to figure out now why I can't find any Excedrin anymore. They took it off the shelves. People ruin the good stuff for everyone. Get Tylenol Release Caps as a means to MAYBE make the headache subside a bit more (though I know this really requires going to Neurologist again but he is pricey so I make do with OTC supplements)

I buy another tube of Crest Paste toothpaste so I can brush my teeth in the shower and remove one step from my day to make way for other things of importance in my crying, sleeping, coughing, watching movies or being in misery or despair. Oh wait, that is only most days right now. Sometimes I have a good day and ACTUALLY shower, get into real pants and maybe sketch a bit or do some healing through art crafts etc. But that is rare. Generally crying and sleeping have taken over my day. Eating is NOT on the top of the list unless it is Slim Life Tea or Peanut Butter Power Bars to get me through the day.

I am almost out the door when there is a sale on Nice and Easy Hair Color. I am looking at the end cap of colors and stand there picking up a box and then putting it down. Picking up a different color and then put it down. Red, no. Auburn, yeah, no. Blonde again, nah. I dare to look at browns, brunettes and even go as bold to look at...BLACK. WHOA! I flip it over to see what it will do to blonde and I think, if I do black on blonde will my hair turn gray? I put the box down. Brown, yes. Red ish no. I did red. The she before was Red. This SHE is brownish red. No no red. I want to be DIFFERENT. I want to REALLY change my color. I want this to be DRASTIC!

I set the box down and slowly walked away...not today...I am not ready for that just yet....sigh...

But, when I am...then I know I will be ready for change.

Wounded Heart-Bleeding, Oozing, Staining

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.

You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life.

You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them

Read more:
Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried 

I was looking for an image to go with this thought and came upon this. It reminds me of my recent artwork

Here is the Link to some  
Google Images for Wounded Hearts
Broken Hearts  
Shattered Hearts

Shown below are some of the ones that touch my wounded heart right now...