Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Girl Like Me

It just goes to show me, I am not made like anyone else. Yes, I am built differently.

There is a song from Edwyn Collins Girl like you

I've never known a girl like you before
Now just like in a song from days of yore
Here you come a knockin', knockin' at my door
And I've never met a girl like you before

You give me just a taste so I want more and more
Now my hands are bleeding and my knees are raw
Now you've got me crawlin', crawlin' on the floor
And I've never met a girl like you before

Know that I'm talkin' about the way I feel
And I've never known a girl like you before

Yes you've come along
And I've never met a girl like you before

I get told that more than I know...

I was told once "Because of the things you have been through and the life you have lived, that is what makes you so special and unique and the wonderful and magnificent individual that you are." To say that I was wow'd by that statement was an understatement.

The kinks also have a song like that:

Never Met a Girl Like You Before

Yeah, I never met a girl like you before.
Girls like you are very hard to find.
When I kiss you,
I kiss your lovely lips.
When I hold you,
You got one hand I want to hold.
Girls like you are very hard to find.
To find, to find, you're mine...

So what is it, I start to wonder that makes me so darn different?

I have talked to many guys about this and even some of my girlfriends. I know one of the things is the locations of where I was raised. I was born in Iowa but I only lived there part of my life. I lived in Iowa and then back and forth at a young age, but then mainly grew up in California. I never lost that hometown girl western savor about me. You know, that honest, down to earth goodness about me. The girls in California or (not always, but most times), plastic as I call them. Most girls at 16 years of age were out getting boob jobs and botox and nose lifts and well with me everything I got is all real! Even more so I take care of myself. Now that is a Cali life mentality though. Girl in the Midwest I think let themselves go too much. They don't seem to care about their bodies as much as Cali girls do.

The other thing is how I was brought up. My mother was into Metaphysics and Spiritualism, but when i was younger I was raised Baptist. My mother always raised me though to believe however I wanted to believe but that she encouraged me to believe in a higher power. She also often reminded me that there such a thing called Kharma and it will bite you in the ass when you least expect it so remember to do good. She told me don't steal unless you want someone to someday steal from you. Do not lie unless you want someone to lie to you. Do not cheat unless you want someone to cheat on you. Do not be hateful or someone will be hateful to you. do not be mean or rude or evil because these all will come back to you. And then she told me , in my young age of 10 years, something that I feel led me through for the rest of my life and started me on a softer path toward others...she said Kharma is a tricky doe not happen overnight nor in an instant. Kharma happens when you least expect it. You may do one thing to one person today and Kharma waits and repays you in kind or in fold when it FEELS LIKE IT.

If emotionally your mouth could drop, mine did. I internally told my mouth to pick itself up of the floor and think about that for awhile. Then she walked into her bedroom and came back out and handed me a book. She gave me "How to Win Friends and influence People by Edgar Cayce. now what normal people in their right mind would not only give a ten year old a book like that much less what ten year old would read it? Well, my mother and myself I guess. I read it and I learned. This is already who I was. this already who I was becoming. I was the type of ten year old who WOULD read such a book. Not to say that I didn't like Nancy Drew and other such books, but these already were the types of books I liked and enjoyed and poured over. I read the book cover to cover without putting it down the first time through. Then I got a pen and paper and took notes.

So you see, when people ask me how I am the way I am, I actually want to ask back, "where do I start?"

This started to form me and shape me but there is more. This conceptual idea of who am I and how I am the way I am has sparked something else in me. In my churches recent lessons it has been about our dreams and how sometimes God has dreams for us we could not fathom. This has given me thought to possibly being a Motivational Speaker. Along those lines, being a book writer and sharing my story.

I write earlier this year in my NanoWriMo challenge about my mother and myself. I think that was a good stepping stone, but there is so much more under the surface of me and how I am and what makes me, me. Along that I feel like I could make a difference in helping another because I have been through so much and I think perhaps, maybe, who knows, maybe what I have been through could help, could inspire another person.

I get told along with the "I have never met anyone like you, or I have never met a girl like you before" statements I also end up hearing things like "You inspire me and How do you do it? How do you get through? How do you turn your switch from sad to happy so easily?" and the best one I hear is "It amazes me after all you have been through that you have the great outlook on life that you do!"

I know this to be true. I am not saying I am perfect. I do get down. I do get sad. I do let it affect me at times. But I let it affect me and move on. and who knows maybe I can use this and my life for good.

So i am going to build a site and build a place where I can talk about what I went through and help those around me and inspire others. And Maybe 2011 is not even close to what I had in store for my life, and maybe it is EXACLTY what the pastor said recently...maybe it's what God wants and who knows..maybe just maybe...and I bet it is...even better. :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Looking for Love

You would be surprised how many of us are all trying to hard to all find the same thing...LOVE.

We just want to be loved. We want to be cared for. We want to be held. We want to be cherished. We want someone by our side to go through the hard time with us. We want someone to understand us. We want someone to accept us for who we are and not try to change us. We want to get along with someone's family. We want their family to be nice to us. WE want their family to accept us. We want that person in our life to be there for us and stand up for us. We want them to say to their family, hey I am trying to make it with this person and you are not making this any easier for me could you please go away! They would tell their family this person has done a lot for you and you in return should do a lot for them. Or at the very least treat them with respect. Their family should want to go out to dinner with you and should want you around. Their family should want to shower you with as much attention as you showered them for the holidays. You should not feel as though you constantly are doing everything for them and they are doing nothing. The person in your life should tell them that. The right person in your life would do that for you.

They would do anything for that person. They would do anything for that person to make them feel comfortable again. They would make them feel welcome. They would make them feel wanted. They would make them feel home again. They would not allow them to continue to feel like an outsider.

We want adoration and respect. We want them to accept our faults and take us for who we are even if that is bad. Even if that is not a good person or even if we have done things in our past that we are not proud of. WE want that person to say to us "It's ok, I may not understand, but I love you and I care and together we will handle it, together."

Then you will be like "YESSS!" and you feel like you can face the world because you and that person can handle your bills, your ex spouses, the issues with your kids, the crappy jobs, the no jobs, the no contracts, the no places to live, the changing places to live,the changing business, the issues with school, the issues with your family, the issues with their family, everything...they would be there with you and there by your side. We are all just a heart in need of rescue. The right person in your life would rescue you and save you for your own life if need be.


I want someone to shield me too!

I had at one time today 7 people all text me at the same time mind you the same time...

"When will I find someone who love me for me"

"Will someone ever love me"

"I just want to find someone to love"

"I am tired of being a nice guy and getting nowhere"

"How do you know if someone is interested in you?"

"Is it too late to find love in my life?"

"Am I ever gonna find the one for me?"

I could not believe it. Am I all knowing about love or something??? Do I suddenly have all the answers? Why did these people come to me? I don't have the answers. I am looking for love just like they are. It actually intrigued me more than anything else. How many more are looking for love? many I am sure.

We all just want the same thing...we all just want to be loved.

Looking for Love-Whitesnake

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

I Never Thought of That

I have been thinking a lot about what the pastor said about what God has designed for our lives. I have been praying for my life and I thought I have been letting go and letting God and the I thought, Have I really? And I realized, no I don't think I have. I think I have been praying and saying I have been giving it to him but been holding on to this one little edge of it and saying here lord you take this whole page but I will just hold on to this edge of it. That is not letting God handle things. I used to be so spiritually in tune and felt like I had such a purpose and was doing so much to reach out to others and I just have not felt that way lately. I have just felt so lethargic and distant and even a word that someone used recently...disdain...

Having this time to reflect just makes matters worse for me as well. I knelt down right after thinking that and burst into tears and prayed fervently to God and cried out "Help me dear Lord Help me. I don't even know what to pray for anymore. I give to you my broken heart and contrite spirit. Do I pray for tolerance, do I pray for guidance, do I pray for patience, do I pray for my relationship, do I pray for a job, do I pray for a place to live, I have no clue, I have no idea anymore, all I know is to pray to just help the song says...if we ever needed help, we need you now, I need you now, I need you now" and I just kept crying for about an hour and saying that over and over " I need you now, I don't know what to do, help me" while on my knees.

It has been a long time since I prayed like that actually. when I was done, I went to the bathroom I washed my face and just stared in the mirror and then sat down on the edge on the tub. I was fully clothed but a thought came to me that I have never had before.

I have two people that I know that do Motivational Speaking. For some reason the thought came to me about that. The pastor said that sometimes God has plans for us that we may never think of. well, that definitely was something I never would have thought of. Nate wanted to do that. A long time ago I did ponder it, but I let it pass. But now, well, I don't know. Maybe I need to take the steps to start thinking about that.

I have been told many times that I influence the lives of others. I have been told that I make a difference. I have been told that I am an inspiration. I have been told that because of what I have gone through in life and the fact that I can still get up every day and still smile and still have and desire relationships with men and relationships in life and love life and savor it, these things and many other things that I can empathize with others could touch others lives. So, well, who knows.

The pastors message has been about dreams...and last night I literally had a dream about it. I was on a stand hosting another speaker, sharing about my life and theirs, we were speaking together and it was like WHOA, where did that dream come from? I was a Motivational Speaker on a Speaking Tour. So, maybe God does have a different "dream" for me...

All I know is..well... I never thought of that...

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I Think We're Alone Now

I was talking to a friend recently about being alone and doing things alone and it made me realize that a lot of people don't realize that I have spent a good majority of my life doing and being just that - ALONE.

My sisters were older when I was living at home so they were always out and about when I was living in Iowa. I spent most of my time growing up under ten years old sitting on the play set swinging and singing songs to myself. Making up my own lyrics (never writing them down sadly) and just singing and kicking my feet to swing. I could sit out there for hours and in fact most times I did. I would lose track of time sitting there or sitting on the tire swing, swinging back and forth just singing my own songs about life. I sang about the farm and the country and even about being alone at that time.

Then my dad passed away and I went to live with my mom and she worked all the time before and after Lew came into our lives and I was alone then. I went to school alone. I rarely had someone to walk with. I walked down Beach up Chapman and then down Dale over to Rancho or I would walk down Beach up Orange and then down Dale. Once in awhile my friend Tracey G would catch me and as I was older I had another friend whose dad had a limo and we would ride to school in their limo every now and then. Once I got my car in my last year of high school I used to offer to pick Sheri up every now and then but no, mostly I walked alone or rode alone.

I walked home from school alone as well but if I was lucky Kevin Orbaker was walking the same direction as me or Tony Rose, or sometimes Tim...hmm what was his name? Funny how you can have a crush on someone in High School and then years later not even remember a person's last name. Anyway he lived behind these gates off Beach Blvd and sometimes I would walk with him but he had a girlfriend so I think it creeped him out that I walked with him more than anything. If Kevin was walking home it was nice to walk with him but he also had a girlfriend and I had a crush on him too (I was always crushing on everyone in HS because I was alone).

Then in my Junior and Senior years of High School I feel in CRUSH with Mike Willey..sigh. I went to every game and every meet he was in. I sat in the stands, I went to everything I could that was local. He at least wrote in my Yearbook (thanks for going to all my B-ball games), well at least he noticed. :) But I went to those alone as well.

Other than doing those things I went every Saturday to the movies ALONE. I went at noon and hung out until the last showing. my friend Ed worked there and would give me the lowdown on the movies so I would movie hop and see a few of them until my stepdad came to pick me up or until I walked home ALONE.

I went to all the dances in HS alone. I went to Prom alone. I didn't date in HS like other girls and in fact my first kiss was not even until I was a month away from being 18 years old.

I had friends who were turn their nose up when they heard all the things I did alone. they would say "I could never go to the movies alone or eat out alone." Well, I felt like if I waited around fro someone to do those things with me then I would be waiting forever and I didn't want to miss out on life just because I didn't have someone to share it with.

It amazes me how many people do that. Miss out on living life because they are waiting for someone to take their hand and do things with them. I have never been that person and I don't ever want to be. I am starting to wonder if I am becoming that person though. Am I waiting around for someone to be there for me? Am I waiting for someone to hold my hand and take me through life? Am I not living life anymore because I am waiting for someone to do things with me? I hope not but it does make me start thinking.

I wasn't alone on Christmas Eve. I did get to spend it with someone special in my life. I was happy about that. There was an added person to the mix I could have done without and there is constantly now an added person I could live without, but that is a topic for another time. I was however alone on Christmas. It wasn't like I was excluded because I was NOT. He did invite me to go with him, but I declined. Because I don't like where he was going. The only people I like there was the one and only person who got me a gift and someone under 10 years of age and it gets frowned upon when I play with her Hannah Montana :)

I ended up spending it with friends going to the movies and then we went out for Chinese at China Buffet. We talked and had a good time. A few of my other friends were so shocked that I handled being alone on Christmas SO WELL and that is what made me think about writing this today.

Of course I handled being alone SO WELL. It is what I know. It is who I am. It is what I have become. I go to the movies alone. I go out to eat alone. I went to many things alone. I am in my car alone a lot. I shop alone. I eat alone. I used to cry when in High School and ponder if there would ever be anyone for me, if I was destined to always be alone.

I used to listen to that song by Tiffany "I think we're alone now" and it has a much different meaning for me than I think it does for others. Of course I am used to being alone. It is me and I am it.

I was married for ten years and I was alone. I have been in a relationship for three years and still alone.

As I sit and write you now, I am not with any man, not in any life, not in any job, not in any existence but alone....
My church has been discussing the Christmas of our dreams. The series ended tonight but last week was even more interesting and I didn't say anything about it. I want to say something about it now along with what tonight's message was in more detail.

Last week it was When Dream Becomes Nightmares

When God Messes up our plans what are we to do. Matthew 213-19

We are to remember that God is trying to get our ATTENTION. Everyone always wants a sign or an angel but we don't need that for one and as well God gives us signs every day we just need to open our eyes to see them. Some people need a 2x4 to smack them over the head to notice what God is trying to tell you and he has to put your life in despair for you to notice.

"For I know the plans I have for you" Jeremiah 29:11

How do you know you are NOT living God's Dream for your life?

3 Things:

1. You are Fatigue

2. You are Frustrated

3. You are Fearful

These are signs that you are trying too hard to live your OWN dream and not God's dream for your life.

There will always be another hill to climb.

He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants you to know the plan and purpose he has for you.

He wants you know and use the gifts and talents that you have and build your dreams and use them for a greater good.

God interrupts our dreams in order to get our attention. God's dreams are often bigger than our dreams.

God's dreams are often better than our dreams.

Or dreams are smaller and nothing compared to what he has in store for us if we would only let him work in our lives than we could see it.

(this is the one where I looked up to pay attention I must say) -God's dreams for our relationships are better than what we could imagine....God may want you to run from your relationship. God may want you to stop the pain and stop the hurting. God may be saying you have had enough. (I nearly lost it when I heard this and deeply gulped write down the note and looked back up)


where there is Satan there is=Temptation

where there is God there is=Inspiration

Let go and let go and you to could have all the dreams you desire.

Tonight's lesson was Where Dreams Collide and to join in last week's notes and this weeks I reminded myself to think...

think and ask myself...

Am I seeking god's will?

Am I letting go and letting God?

Is what I am doing in my life and in my relationship building up God or tearing him down?

Is my partner helping this in my life or hurting this?

Is my partner supporting this or idly standing by?

Am I too focused on my "personal"dreams to see what "God's dream is for me anymore? I say "anymore" because I remember when I use to speak of God every day. I remember when I sued to feel like I was so spiritually in tune with god that I felt like I WAS fulfilling god's purpose here on earth. I was serving God and serving others. I don;t feel like I need to be a Mormon to do that anymore but I don't feel like I do enough to fulfill that. I know that God has more planned for me that being a IT person. I know I make a difference in this world and I have been so wrapped up in myself that I have NOT done enough for others.

A dream can be united. Others can help you reach your dream. Others you never thought imaginable can help you reach your dream. Others can join in with you and share your dream or help you see your dream or help you see a dream you never knew you had and that could be the dream god wants you to have.

Pray that god will show you your dream.

Pray that your hear will be open to see the dream God has for you.

God bless.

Happy New Year.

I hope you enjoyed my notes. :)

Friday, December 24, 2010


Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes lyrics or music says how I feel, or exemplifies a feeling or embodies what I am wanting to say. I have been feeling so, melancholy lately and feeling like my dreams are so far away. I went to church tonight and it was about the "Christmas of our Dreams". Then tonight, I found this song and it is like it spoke to me and I wanted to share with you, my friends and external family

Til Dreams Come True
Lean your head over and have no fear
Hope springs eternal to all ears that hear
Lay down your longing and cry your tears
Your spark shall be honored, your heart's being
We were lost almost two thousand years
Thinking someday a sign might appear
While love through the cloven sky peers
Over all we do
'Til dreams come true

Every way beauty is slain, it's seen
Though no work is uttered, a grave silence rings
Underfoot innocents on the scene
With humble hearts shudder, assembling a dream
And in each one a manger is seen
Where the dark, by the spark, is redeemed
While milk through the firmament streams
Over all we do
'Til dreams come true

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I lied in the shower today...staring at the water, watching the droplets of my life pour down the drain. Each little droplets as it ran down my leg. I looked at my fingers and noticed they were starting to prune. I was amazed at the thought that one could prune while sitting in the shower.

I started out sitting then let my body slide down into lying position and let myself drown in my sorrows of the water.My tears melded with the water so much so that I wasn't sure where the water from the shower ended and my tears began.

I watched further as the drops ran into the drain and ran away. That's what I want to do, just run away. Go where no one could find me. What would it matter anymore?

I am trying so hard and I know so is he. It doesn't stop me from feeling this turmoil, this pain of my life. I cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis. I wake with migraines. I let him have the reins as not to bother him, make him feel like he needs to pander to me.Waiting, wanting, yearning...and now asking myself...who is this person I am becoming?

Why can't things be happy again? Why do they have to be so strained? Why can't they just be simple?

I was so happy when we were in the apartment, just us. Yes it was crowded but it was just me and him and we had each other.

I wish for so many things while I am lying here in the shower now.

Mostly, I just wish, my once favorite time of the year...was over...and I wish there was more hot water...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Like Me

I one day was looking for a site like mine. I was looking for understanding. I was looking for someone, anyone out there who understood who wrote like me and lo and behold down from the heavens this site fell into my lap

Normal is a Setting on the Dryer
Divorced Dating Mom Under the Sheets

I am not quite the same of course. But it was nice to find someone who understood. It was nice to find someone who feels my pain. Someone who feels what I feel. When I read her writing I thin "Was she in my head? OR was I in hers?" then I laugh.

I know others who find it odd to write out into the great wide open for all to see. Who else will care? Who else will read what I wrote? Am I doing anything but just rambling? Does anyone read what I say? I mean other than the rare few who KNOW about my blog and then here is her site...reaching to others and it made me think and realize something today when I was reading what she had to say...

Who might be reading my site that DOESN'T comment?
Who maybe reads this and wonders if I have posted anything new?
Who reads this and says "Hmm, thank you for that. That moved me or inspired me or that helped me get through my day today."

Maybe there are others out there I don't even know about. Maybe, jsut maybe the words I share and things I say touch the life of someone else and is making a difference.

And for those of you who know me and now for any who don't...a motto strong in my life is "To make a positive difference in the lives of those I come in contact with", so who knows...

maybe just maybe my words make a difference...

and that alone keeps me HOPING "Dryer Lady, Miss Obvious" like you as well as many other things that give me HOPE, because I know in my without Hope... just hopeless...and well that's just not me. :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Be Careful

Be Careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

I have learned along the way that many people gripe about what they want. My friends say they want this or that and then don't like the journey to get there. We have to realize that the journey to get there may not be the easiest.

Also oft time people say they want one thing or another and then when those things happen to them, they don't like the end results. They didn't realize it would be this way or that way.

Like for example far too many people have said because of having my own business I do not understand the expectation to respond to me. They feel as though they have to "pander" to me or that I am being unreasonable.

So, fine then. I think about it and think ok maybe you are right. Maybe I am "bothering" them. So I stop texting and stop emailing and then they say " What's going on, I haven't heard from you all day?"

Well, which is it? Which do you desire? I don't want to bother you. I don't like being told you feel like you need to pander to me. I don't like being told I am being unreasonable.

So, new rules for Trisha, unless I have receive something from you, I will not be reaching out to you during the day. If you choose to hear from me, you need to say so. If you choose to see me, you need to say so. I am fed up with my friends, family and others saying I am being unreasonable and my expectations are too high.

No worries. I expect NOTHING from anyone anymore. Surprise the hell out of me, I dare you. I double dog dare you :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010


i hate my life

I hate turmoil

I hate confrontation

I hate waiting

I hate the hard life I have had

I hate the issues that face me

I hate trying to do the right thing

I hate crying at night

I hate having panic attacks

I hate relationships

I most of all

just hate my life anymore

I really think giving up is a much better option

What's the point of trying anymore?

I really don't want to be here anymore...

Monday, December 13, 2010

My life is pasta

I feel my heart and soul are a plate of spaghetti and someone has tipped them upside down. I feel as though now I am trying to make sense of it all. The spaghetti is all over the place and the meatballs are everywhere. There is sauce and tomatoes and onions on the floor mixed in with the dirt. The rocks and pebbles are now ground in with it and people have walked through it to add to the craziness of it all. I am scrambling to scrape it back up onto my plate but the more I try to do that it is becoming mush into the ground. I am weeping and crying and begging others to stop walking on it. Some have tried to give me a new plate or fork, even a new house to put my plate in and a table to put it on but yet the moment I set it down it falls on the floor again. My soul is wound and wound and needs unwinding.

I come from a spiritual home and normally have my life quite together and my chakras in order. I have not felt this topsy turvy since I was in my 20's and now in my 40's I feel so un at ease and feel despairing. this is not the life I envisioned for myself at this time and I weep at the sight of it and want my life to stop this merry go round.

Someone asked me recently if someone tipped it or if it was just a metaphor? I had to really think about that. I came then to the conclusion of what did it matter. I allowed it either way. I allowed it to be tipped, I tipped it or someone else tipped it.

I know that things were running smoothly for sometime though I was not happy nor satisfied and perhaps it felt like rubber band that was getting overstretched. it felt like that band was going to break at any given moment and like it was just going to snap! SNAP! The band would sway tight then bend back to soft again then tight again every time I would feel uneasy about where things were going in my life. But they were still moving in a direction I could manage and handle.

I decided to change my life and live life in a new place and I managed that as well. And then later this year....there it was was...

It was like I was delivering or holding a plate of pasta, spaghetti, all stacked high on the plate, full of sauce, tomatoes, onions, garlic, basil, everything that made it flavorful and there I was just walking along and someone came along and reached underneath my hand and swung as hard as they could and flipped it right out from underneath my hand and just like in the movies it went soaring and flying through the air.

The plate spun and spun and the pasta went everywhere, tomatoes were flying, onion pieces were going everywhere, garlic tidbits are randomly scattering about, basil is coming down like snowflakes, and the crash the plate breaks off into a few pieces and the pasts ends up in the dirt and I am flailing and diving for it but there is nothing I can do for it is too late.

It is like trying to catch words that come out of your mouth that you know you should not have said, once they are said, they are not retractable.

Now I stare at the ground and cry and weep and sob and my heart aches and I try so hard to pick up the pieces but as I said people keep tromping on it and I am trying so hard to scrape it back together, and people keep trying to help me, but I feel like my efforts are in vain.

I don't know what to do.

The table I once had set and the meal I had once prepared is no longer available.

This is not the life I had envisioned for myself at 40.

This is not the life I had envisioned for my future.

This is not the life I saw.

I don't want to start over.

I want to just stop.

My life is pasta.

~~ I share this with you to let you know, that though yes I am a happy person, I do feel and live life too. I have my trials and my ups and downs. Though through it all I know God is with me. I know that through all the trials I have endured, all that I will endure that this builds character. I was in church yesterday and the lesson was on how God's plan is often different than our own. This is so true. His plan does build character. his plan is hard and difficult and we must keep on keeping on. Even though I want to STOP, I WONT. I will keep going.

God's plan gives me energy to keep striving forward. I get tired. I get frustrated. I get upset. I cry. I weep. I cry. I get sad. But I also trust. I trust in the Lord. I trust that he will pull me through. I trust that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I trust that I will receive a blessing after my trial of faith. I don't know how. I don't. I HAVE NO CLUE. I JUST BELIEVE.

Isn't that what Christmas is about as well? Believing?

Also know that Change is Good. It is ok to change. Sometimes our dream get changed. God's dreams are harder than our dreams. god's dreams rarely involve comfort. Rarely is character building comfortable. To get there we will struggle, it will hurt, it will not be easy.

In the end though, it will be a blessing, it will be rewarding, and it will be satisfying!

Stay Strong

Have Courage

Have Conviction

Build Character!

You Can Do It!

I Believe in You!

God Does Too!

Now Believe in You Too!~

~Patricia Ann Hunter 12-12-2010

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Dec 7 the Day that lives in Infamy they say

I keep hearing on the December 7th, the day that lives in Infamy!

Well, yes, it is but not for the same reasons.

December 7th, 1980 the Passing of one Arthur Eugene Hunter... my father.

I was just daddy's little girl.

It's not fair. :(

One minute he was here it seemed, and then he was gone.

His birthday falls near Thanksgiving every year and sometimes it falls on. So that too can be very hard. It used to be gruesome for our family to deal with those days so close together. no one wanted to talk. No one wanted to mention it. There was this still silence in the air. It was like fog, thick almost like smog even. I hated how hard it was. As the years went on it seemed to get easier and as I got older I guess I forgot a little bit more and more and was able to pass on with my life.

The year he passed the kids in my 5th grade class at United wanted to do something Special for him. he was a Janitor at the school at that time. He had been a bus driver and many other jobs but at this time he was a janitor. I guess I should have been ashamed that my dad was a janitor and maybe as I got older I would have been, but as a 5th grader I thought it was cool and that he was amazing.

In town and at school everyone loved him and knew him as Mr. Hunter. I do not know how the topic got on that it was his birthday. Perhaps I said or the teacher knew but we all made cards for him that day and I got the special honor of taking the cards to him at the end of the day.

He came to the class and I got to walk up to the front of the class and hand them to him. He was a gruff man and former Marine so smiling was not the things you saw a lot, but when you did see that, you knew you had pleased him. the teacher had announced that we knew it was his birthday and we had a special treat. I handed him the cards and a beaming smile swept across his face. It made me so proud!

He took the cards in his hands, leaned down to me and said thank you, ruffled my hair and then laughed a bellowing laugh. I hollered at him and he laughed some more! I went back to my seat and he looked through the cards briefly and said thank you to the class and they all said YOUR WELCOME in unison and then he left.

Later than night at home he said on the plastic couch in the front room and opened and closed and poured over each card. It really meant a lot to him. He admired each one and made special mention about mine and some of my closest friends that came around the house. It was his 42nd birthday. That was November 26th, 1980...

The morning of December 7th was not like any other. Usually people say "it was like every other day" but this was NOT. I woke early and smelled Grandma cooking her homemade bread and I thought I smelled her cooking fry bread. when she had left over dough she would flatten it out and then throw it in some oil to cook it up and then we would eat it with jams or jellies. It was 5am and I never needed to be up that early. I bound down the stairs and yep that is exactly what she was doing. Dad and grandpa were sitting around the table drinking coffee eating fry bread. I asked for some and grandma made me some and I sat near dad (of course being daddy's little girl) because I always wanted to be near him.

He asked me if I wanted to go to school with him instead of waiting for the bus. Also not normal. I jumped at the chance for that. He told me to finish my bread and get ready so we could go. I did just that and we headed off together.I don't remember what car he had that day nor do I remember the ride there. I remember getting there and once we were there we went into this little room where there were these red pipes all around and a table and other Janitors and maintenance men sitting around drinking coffee and hanging out.

He put his stuff away, he introduced me to a few guys and then we did a few things. He introduced me to the principal and the secretary when we went into their office to clean up and then finished a few errands. Time flew by fast and next thing I knew the school buses were coming in and I had to go to class. He told me to take the bus home, and I went to class. I am not even sure if we told each other goodbye.

I went about my day and then got on the school bus as told. Before the bus started moving a lady got on the bus and announced my name. I got up and went to her and she told the driver to go on without me. I was wondering how I was getting home if the bus went on without me. As we were walking away from the bus and the bus pulled away she introduced herself as the secretary for the high school and that there had a been a terrible accident and my dad was hurt and at the hospital.

I started arguing with her and telling her she didn't know what she was talking about because my dad was fine I saw him today we went to school together and he told me to ride the bus home. She then said my dad Art Hunter had a bad fall and was hurt and she was going to take me home and my family would explain everything. At that point I started to cry. It didn't make sense. She said the right name but I just saw him this morning. But hold on...did dad know? What was that thing a few weeks back when mom and dad were talking and he said "If something were to ever happen to me I want you to go live with your mom"...what the heck? Do people know when something is going to happen to them? I don't understand...I just started sobbing in this poor lady's car.

We got to the farm and my grandma came out and greeted me and the lady and I stopped crying. I don't know why. I saw her and as we pulled up I just stopped like you turned off the faucet. Grandmas put her arm around me and we walked inside and I went upstairs and didn't talk to anyone. A few hours later I hear my mother's voice and she came upstairs and tried to tell me what happened. I told her why it didn't make sense to me about how I went to school with dad and she kept trying to explain it to me. Bonnie and Lynn were upstairs getting their coats on and said they were going to the hospital. I asked if I could go and everyone said no. They all said I was too young that I would not understand. Of course though, then and even now,(yes at my age) I am still told I would not understand)

Dec 10th, 1980...he passed away. His funeral everyone said I was cold, unfeeling. I was in shock! I was the last one in the family I thought to see him. Later in life I found out that one of the girls or both had seen him in the high school that day. It just did not register in my head what was happening. It did not seem real. Counselors felt that perhaps if I had gotten to see him in the hospital that it would have made more sense to me, but they tried to protect me too much and it made things worse. I needed the closure and I never got it.

Thanksgiving 1983...I am lying on my bed scrap booking... I found an old frame with a picture of Art, my dad in it. I no more than find it and my mom walks in the door to tell me dinner is almost ready. Mind you we have guests in the other room and this year mom has made a feast. I burst out in tears and say to her..."He really is dead isn't he?" My mother in her best way to comfort me says boldly "He has been dead for 3 years Patricia Ann. I guess I didn't realize you hadn't accepted that. Dinner's almost ready." Gotta love her. But in her defense, I was very private and very shy for years until I was about 16 years old or so. Not until my friend E. and his group of friends did I really start opening up and after much modeling etc.

Mom put me in therapy after that comment though, because she learned I had been carrying this belief that he was not dead, that I thought he was coming back, or that he was on a mission, or something.

His death and the time around his death and birthday is always hard on me. As I said, I have learned to muster though it. I am not that person anymore. I know he is dead. I miss him. I had Lew in my life and he was the only Father I ever knew. I miss Art though. I miss being able to share my life with Art. I am a woman who is not fond of the I DONT KNOWS and the WONDERMENT and that hmmm I wonder what it would have been like had dad lived, theory lingers in my mind at times.

but I go back and remember what one counselor told me when I shared in my senior year how sad I was that Art was not around to see me go to Prom and be a part of my life that I felt he was missing out...she said "Your Real father has the best seat in the house and can always watch over you, always help guide you, always be with you, and can hold your hand. He is in your car when you drive, at your recitals when you dance, he will be with you when you most need him, and you know he always loves you because he is always in your heart."


Monday, December 06, 2010

Lessons Learned

While I was on vacation recently I head my mother say the things wrong in my past relationships and why they did NOT work in her mind. But what she did not know was what I head was what I was LEARNING through what she was saying instead:

So with that I about going to write here the things I learned~ (And I was writing below I realized these are things for me with men but one would suppose that if there be women in your life, the show then could be turned to the other foot...)

~ Note to Future Me-

~I complained more about the men in my life, rather than touted their good works and good deeds

~Tout the others good deeds, tout when they sent you notes, flowers, cards, text messages and remember to share with others all the little things that the significant other in your life do for you more than the bad things. and friends remembers the bad things more :)

~Don't talk to others about your relationship unless you want that back in your face at a later date and do all you can not to ever talk to others about it when tipsy because you won't remember but they do.

~Be careful what you say to your family because they never forget :)

~Write down dates that of good stuff your sweetie does for you...forget the rest...believe me it will benefit you later. :)

~Ironically, other guys were not that affectionate to me around my family and parents. I and the man in my life always thought we were being respectful. I mean what parent wants some guy all over their little girl?? Well, evidently, parents do at times want to see you touching and being more affectionate because the fact that other men were not more affectionate with me drove my parents insane I found it. HMMPH! Who knew?! (shrug of shoulders)

~The other things I now have learned to be more watchful of is doing things for family. My parents do remember all the things we did for them financially. She remember the time that these random people who are not family, daughters or nieces have bent over backwards to help her, yet she does not have a clue of remembrance to when my spouse or boyfriend and I uncovered her out of financial despair. So the lesson here to me is two fold-1 I can either not help out or 2 get receipts to prove at a later date that I did. Either way, I was told by friends years ago be watchful when loaning friends or family money. It gets sticky. Well, thanks, I get it now. :)

Basically, I have learned that I thought, me of all people was a squeaky wheel, but I guess when it comes to men, I am not squeaky enough. I need to be more squeaky....

Is that at all possible?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Father's Birthday

I tried not to think about my father, my real father but it was inevitable that I was going to. My real father is Art Hunter and he passed away when I was only 10. His birthday always is right around Thanksgiving and sometimes I can pass over it but mostly I end up thinking about it, about him.

I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never get over him. I am on vacation, I am around my mom and friends and other people I could talk to about it, but I don't want to. I want to just talk to one person who knows me and understands because he knows me.

I always feel like I am lacking something. I have always felt that. Everyone else got to have a dad in their life there for them and I should be grateful because I had Lew but as much as he loved me, he was not my father.

I also remember my father telling me that if something happened to him to go live with my mother and I can't get that out of my head. Logically I know he is gone even to this day, but the little girl inside me still wants my father back and I miss him so much.

I remember the times with my dad that the older girls do not remember. I also am the baby and daddy's little girl. Even if my father is dead I will always be daddy's little girl. That person never left me. That person is still in my core. Daddy's little girl.

I don't think of my father so much anymore, but come November 27th, it happens and as much I was trying not to think about it I did anyway and it made me just want to talk to someone who understood me.

This sounds so lame, but I miss my daddy.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Like Him


11-21-I also just found myself shaking my toothbrush out which is what he does to his shaver.

11-21-Then I also nearly died when the trash can was full and the cent of it nearly knocked me over and again I thought...scents matter to him and now they matter to me...what the heck happened here. Did a transference happen??

11-26- shook out toothbrush and realized it was like what he does when he shakes out his shaver

I find myself doing or saying so many things that are like him it nearly drives me insane.

I was standing in the shower today as I have more recently and keep noticing that I wash my face in the shower the way he does, wash my face, rub my eyes, then wash behind my ears and then over my face again. I stopped. Hey this is just the way he does it.

The another time someone was asking me a question and I answered "I don't know" and they asked me again what I meant and I repeated I don't know and after about the 5th or 6th time I felt a ping of feeling like him and realized how I finally understood and said "I don't know how better to explain I don't know. " I walked away shaking my head at the person as much as me.

Then there are numerous things that little by little I notice, like as a Artist I was on the plane and was struggling to draw with someone sitting right next to me and it took all my might to muster something out even though I desperately and really wanted to. I finally did and the girl ended up complimenting me adn telling me how amazing and fantastic it looked and though it made me feel great her words went through me because what I ended up also feeling on top of that was more empathy to him to his plight.

Funny how now, now is when I start seeing and noticing all these little

Jakes Ex's

First of all let me start by saying the funny thing about this find today is that I never read Glamour magazine. I only got it because In Style new issues wasn't on the stands yet. I needed a magazine for the trip. I liked some of the other things it had to offer. I didn't even see this until today.

I was reading in my Glamour Magazine today and hit this article today.
Jake's Exes Tell all

I am going to copy it in in case it goes away as some articles do:

Jake’s Exes Tell All!
Brave guy—he called them all up to get their very honest feedback.
by Jake

Can your exes—those people who were by definition wrong for you—help you find the person who’s right? I think so. To know who you are and where you’re going, it helps to reflect on where you’ve been. So if I’m truly being intrepid in my search for Ms. Right—and if I’m going to be a kinder, more enlightened Jake for you readers—I figured I should man up, call my exes and get some honest feedback. I remain on friendly terms with many of the women I’ve dated, but it was still with some trepidation that I decided to reach out and ask them two simple questions: What did I do well, and where did I fall short?

EX #1: Elise, a student. We were long-distance and spent our precious nights curled up together on the sofa, reading.

Where I fell short: “You forgot dates that were meaningful to me—like on my last night visiting you in New York, when you played soccer instead of taking me out for a quiet dinner as you’d promised. And you didn’t call when I graduated.”

I felt like a Hockey Widow

What I nailed: “After I fell asleep one night, you wrote me a sweet letter on the back of a page torn from a very old book of William Wordsworth poems your grandmother had left to you. I found it in the morning after you’d headed back to New York. I was enthralled with the gesture.”

Sometimes it is just the little things that matter. always buying me a candy bar when you went to the store. Buying me an audrey photo. Getting me comic book I asked you about. Those really meant a lot to me. Though depleting your savings to get my car out of impound was a huge deal and it did NOT go unnoticed and I thank you for that too. Yes I knew and thank you for what you COULD do for me financially when you could. I just always felt bad because you didn't have a lot of money and were not really in the position to fully take care of me yet. But all the little things really meant so much

EX #2: Jessica, a no-nonsense art dealer with an amazing smile, body and scent, and impeccable style. (When we were together, my favorite part of the day was watching her get dressed for work—seriously.)I liked that you liked this too about me. but then again who hasn't :)

Where I fell short: “After I told you that an art critic had given a show at my gallery an unfair review, you said you had ‘hit it’ with his daughter. Ugh! I was worried that someday I might hear you dropping my name just as casually.”

I would have loved for you to drop my name or anyone's for that matter. I would cringe that I felt you didn't use your opportunities, schmoosh, and work it. This is how life works. use it to your advantage or quit griping about it. I just wished you would do something more to go after your dreams.

What I nailed: “You made being in bed about so much more than sleep and great sex. We would download music together and goof around for hours, sometimes all day. I was so happy, I don’t know how I ever let myself go to sleep.” [Note: I didn’t really hear anything after “great sex”—but I think the upshot here was positive.]

I liked this about you too. You made being in bed, napping (wink) fun. There is a Keith Urban song about Raining on a Sunday and they lied in bed all day and hung out and made love and I think of you. We could watch TV, have fun, break futons (another wink), and even sit near each other like in the new house and just have fun being in bed or near bed. I really liked that about you. But like he said. GREAT SEX didn't hurt either (WINK to infinity)

EX #3: Erin, who broke up with me. She left a big hole in my heart, which I’m not sure has been filled since.

Where I fell short: Erin declined to go down memory lane with me, saying she wouldn’t like her current boyfriend waxing poetic about an ex. Fair enough. Then she delivered the kicker: “Besides, I don’t remember what you did right or wrong. It was way too long ago.” Ouch. But I remember….

What I nailed: I would pick her up (at the subway, at her apartment) instead of just meeting her at places; I made friends with her family; I said “I love you.”


And that’s when it dawned on me: Sometimes it just doesn’t matter what you do. If things aren’t right, there’s no gesture, no joke, no gift, no perfectly written note that can change it. That said, my ex experiment taught me that I could stand to listen more and talk less; to worry about how a girlfriend and I were spending our time together rather than about the myriad other options I had on any given night. I just wish some of those exes had been as forthright during our relationships as they were all this time later. Here’s hoping that next time, if I pay attention, I will never have another ex to ask for feedback again.

Jake is a real, live single guy dating in New York City.

All I know is...I never get this magazine...and I believe someone was trying to tell me something...and was all good :)

I hope you think so too. We live and learn and you never never know what the future holds and hopefully we live and learn

The RV World

It amazes me while I am on vacation that people don't just come up and take things from the RV people. I also don't quite understand this life. When you urinate throwing away your paper in a trash can and not the toilet. Yuck. Not taking a shower in your won shower but using the shower in the clubhouse. I mean I guess it save on water. But I guess I am too prissy for that. I don't mind once in awhile but for weeks on end, it gets old. I mean why have a shower if you aren't going to use it. Why have a bathroom if you aren't going to use it? Why pay all this money for an RV if you aren't going to use it's amenities?

I guess I just don't get it.

Plus the fact that living in a Rv fulltime would drive me insane I think. There is such little space. Everything is in baskets and clamped down. Everything has to be put away and everytime you want something you have to go hunting for it. and then my mother is like, now where did I put that and that alone would drive me crazy. I would forget constantly. I know I would.

It reminds me of when my friends would go Yachting.On the yachts things had to be like that too. Now imagine if you will people who spend millions of dollars on their houses, who have housekeepers, who use a thousand napkins to wipe off thier hands putting their used pee pee wipes in a trash can as not to flush it down their boat?!? Hmmm something seems amiss here. But they did it. And BOY were they particular about it!

Isn't it funny how RV life is so similar to boating life. Every little things must be kept away in storage compartments. Every things must be put away. You can't flush things, there is a nasty odor of those urine wipes too (barf), and there is such tight little space you have to really think about what you are going to take with you before you go or you learn to live without it.

the funnier thing is that these two sects of people come from two very different worlds and are considered two very different types of people. The Rving world or class of people are considered a lesser class that the Yachter group and I know that group would snub them and look down on them. I mean my Newport Beach friends would be nice to my mom if they met her and all, but they would not in any way think of her as an equal.

But as I have only been visiting my mom here in Arizona for a few days and I have listened to her talk about how much this costs and that costs and how expensive the RV park and she has shown me different parks and how much it costs to stay at each one and how they leave learned how to stay at each one and how they now pay over $3,000 in membership fees to stay in this park a year and thye still have to pay for internet and cable and extra vehicle and if thye have more than two pets there is a pet fee. I mean that is just craziness. If you are paying over $3,000 a year you shouldn't have to pay anything.

I found out recenelty my Ex spouse bought an Rv on Ebay and is learning about how to survive in the beginning like my parents did. They said at first you pay $55 a night and then you learn to find a place that is cheaper. My ex spouse said he is learning this to be the same thing. But then again he likes to stay at the beach and you pay a high price for beach.

I jsut find it all humorous. Their whole lives are in this RV. And then they pack the satellite dish and the tablecloths for the picnic table outside, and then the chairs to sit outside, and the stuff to survive inside. It all is a different life and it jsut amazes me that one would want to go trhough this much trouble to live every two weeks.

But then again my mother has always been a gypsy and I have often followed in her foosteps. I have packed and unpacked more than i ever wanted to. I have lived out of suitcases with my ex and with myself. I know it CAN be done, I guess I am jsut getting to an age and stage in my life where I jsut want it to all stop, be settled and be with jsut one person and be happy for the rest of my life. JUST ME AND HIM.

the Rv world is not for me. I would not mind a Class C 20 Foot that you use jsut o camp in and can still set up a tent and have comething fun. Or having something like Lance and Jenny's parents that had the Rv that you could put the Motorcyles in and we could put four wheelers in and throw the beds down or soemthing.

Now that would be fun.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


In my Woman's devotional I read daily there was a story today about a woman who was having some tests run. She had to have an MRI run and having to go through an MRI recently I knew immediately her plight and what she was going through. She was mentioning how you can feel so tight and claustrophobic in there. I had to take Xanax to go through there and the first time they got it wrong so I had go through the agony of taking Xanax twice and being all loopy. (which my friends would say is normal) :)

This woman however was on the verge of panic in the tube and I do understand. I am sure not on the Xanax I would have felt the same way. She remembered something her pastor had said to her "When things are going bad for you, pray for someone else."

When you find yourself in this situation, when things are hard or going not your way, when things are tough or you feel like you don't have the strength, Pray for Someone Else...

and I do...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Leaving on a Jet Plane

When I was sitting there Friday this song kept coming through my head. Going throguh my head. Whichever.

My Bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

Then I ended up there because of the weather and you were sleeping and the song rang through my ears again...

I hate to wake you up to say goodbye...

Already I'm so lonesome I could die

I could feel the lonliness boiling inside me...but as I was sitting there I was already feel this. You already feel alone. Except when I don't.

Ya, that a girl for you not making sense.

There were times that I felt we were companions and buddies and shared so much and understood each other better than anyone else and then there were times I thought we just didn't understand each other at all.

There's so many times I've let you down

I'm sorry I wasn't perfect for you. I am sorry there were things that would not let you budge enough to step over the hurdles of adversity to the mound of love and move forward to marriage. I let you down. I am sorry. I failed.

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you

It is hard to move on I know, as you say. There is so much of YOU wrapped up in me and vice versa. I look around and there you are. Your signature is on everything and no matter what I put away or hide, you are still there because I want you there. My Audrey, as I call it is special to me. I cannot hide it away. It is My Audrey. my new Audrey is also now special.

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

odd that I did just that...kiss you one last time then leave you once again...

But I'm leaving on a jet plane

and that I am...

an a part of me wishes I wasn't coming back...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


It is hard now knowing that you read this here.

Before there was a thought a possibility but there wasn't a solid affirmation.

I have a few friends that from time to time come to the blog and read it but you see no one ever really comments ro says anything on it except my long time Guy friend E, who will every now and then say, "Hey I went out to your blog and noticed you have written out there for awhile"

But now, for you to say "One thing you have to know is I go there every day or so and read your blog, jsut so you know"

Wow, well, it kind of put me back a few pegs honestly...

I did know that every now and then you came out here and read. You have commented on a few things here or there.But now, knowing that you are out here daily or often reading and thinking about evrything I say makes me wonder and think

am I writing differently now? Am I going to continue to write differently knowing that he is reading it for sure?

I beleive the answer is yes. There is not much to do about it but continue to try to write as I did before but yet I care about you so I will sheild you as much as possible. But it is still my heart and my thoughts I started here long before I knew you and this has always been my safe haven to express.

Knowing though...has made and will make difference

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Choice

The choice to leave is not always an easy one.

My counselor says that oft times one person has decided to leave far before they actually leave they just haven't shared this with the other person. I believe and know this to be true, even if we don't know this ourselves.

Often times the hardship in this is that there are times that it feels or may seem like you are leaving one person for another person because of this because by the time you finally get around to leaving you have moved on but you failed to tell the person you are leaving this information.

It is not about the other person it is about the unhealthy relationship, it is about the trying, it is about the pains and the sorrows, the heartaches you both kept going through and hopefully you both come to a conclusion for the best of both of you that this is not working out and so you can still remain in tact with your hearts not completely shattered and hopefully still caring about each other and as friends that you walk away with your heads held high.

I'm not saying we are not broken when we leave and make this choice, but leaving amiably is different. I think leaving with your heart still tact is a great feat and I think it was accomplished and I think one would agree.

I care about this person and I know he cares about me. He is a good man and good person. He has amazing talents and good heart. It just wasn't working anymore. It was unhealthy for the both of us. It just wasn't right anymore. I want the best for him and I truly believe when he said "I hope you find happiness" he meant it.

He said I was a lot of work, he said he was tired of trying, he said most men don't realize how much work it takes to make me happy and/keep me happy. I am not like normal women, I don't have a normal job, I don't live a normal life. Nope. I am he farthest from normal that they come and I always have been. I accept that. I know that about myself.

Here's what I have found with my counselor in this past year that I have grown and what a lot of women don't get to and what he may not even realize...

I don't need a man to make me happy
I have found the courage to be myself
I enjoy being me
I will choose to be me no matter what the cost
I am a strong, confident, powerful woman
I am a pleasure to be around

I have emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs that are of crucial importance to me

I NOW at 40 years old and from here on out...

will hold any man very strongly to these standards and they will either meet them

or they will not be a part of my life!

I will not be "Broken Girl" anymore as Matthew West sings as his lyrics say(go look them up)

I will not allow men nor anyone else to walk all over me anymore - (to not mistake that I believe HE did because he did not, quite the contrary, I'm just saying other men and people in my life have)

People treat you how you allow them to treat you... I'm done being a doormat...

Though on that note... I am done being on a shelf and waiting...

I was getting dusty and I don't have time for dusty (sorry-but true)

I will be the fun, cheery, silly, energetic, goofy, bouncy, light hearted person I enjoy being

and I have come to terms that not everyone will like that about me,

I have come to terms that I will not get along with everyone

I have come to terms with that I may rub some people the wrong way

and I also have come to terms with the other side of me-which btw is the side that everyone has-the dark side

I can get aggressive, I can get angry, I can get grouchy and I can take peoples heads off...

But I look at where I was and where I used to be and how far I become and I am sorry but I could be worse and I am not GOD, I am not Jesus, I am a work in progress :)

and I have come to terms with that part of me too...

and if people don't like it...

oh well.

My skin used to be thin as water and I have developed a thicker skin.
I had jobs beg me to leave because my boss couldn't even talk to me without me crying at her desk. I had jobs where I was a wreck and I worked at home. I have had jobs where I walked out because I couldn't take it.

This year I went through exhaustive, internal assessment with a counselor and said I want to get to the bottom of me and my insecurities! It take a VERY strong person to do that and I did. I am not the me I used to be, I am BETTER DAMNIT! :) He said he didn't know who I was anymore...well, you are didn't because I was stronger and more me than I had ever been before.

The choice to leave was not an easy one, but I think I hope he saw (or he said he did) that it was a needed one and I feel at ease about it because I think we can both move on with our lives and I hope we both can find happiness in areas we never knew existed.

I hope he said was he really felt and wasn't telling me lies. I hope he meant what he said. I hope he is okay because I do and always will truly care about this man. I cared more about him in 3 years than I did anyone else and I truly did understand him more than I think anyone else ever did...

Be you...

Friday, August 13, 2010

MercyMe Love Well

Good Girl - Trust

I know I don;t always say the right thing and my mouth runs away from me, but I am trustworthy ya know. I go to church maybe not all the time but I do all the right things, listen to the right music, stay faithful and do the best things a girlfriend can do.

It seems so unfair that girls like B and R are stupid and do things a bad girlfriend shouldn't do and they get rings and offers of marriage and love and admiration and what do I get? I get pushed off in the distance and told things like " I don't know what I want" and " I'm not 100%" and " I may want a baby and you don't want one so I don't know" and then there's these looks i get when I say something like I said last night.

No, there is no one else I just don't say things that make sense. Just because something appears that way doesn't mean it always IS that way. To me is APPEARS you may have a girl on the side, but I don't believe that to be true. why does it appear that way? Well, you don't want to commit, you like your bachelor life, you keep talking about having a baby, all these things I can't give there someone who can???

I can read into things to you know?

I am a good girl. I can be trusted. I don't think you do. You give me the impression you don't and you have told me far too many times you don't. I don't know if I can take another time of you telling me you don't. why stay with someone who you don't trust. What kind of relationship is that?

Why am I with someone who doesn't trust me? Maybe that is the question I should be asking?

I am good and faithful and honest and true. and I love you.

Maybe you want a B or an R.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I just watched this amazing video watching sons and daughters run into the arms of moms and dads they haven't seen in awhile. Though they were from parents from the military it made me so sad because I felt a connection from this because I longed so much to run into the arms of my father and hold him once again. I longed for the day when he would one day return to me. It would have been ideal that he was just away on a long trip or on an assignment.

It hurts my heart so bad sometimes to see things like this because I feel so much pain and anguish feeling left out, feeling sadness like there was a loss in my life, something that was missing that I did not receive in my childhood that other kids had.

I did not have a father to lean on, I did have a father's guidance, or scolding, a father's love or a father' s shoulder to cry on. I did not have a father's arms to cry into, or a father's arms to cry in to.

I know this may sound sad tonight but that video made me sad tonight. Sadness is not a bad thing.

Sunshine and happiness is great but we have to have bitter to know the sweet sweet and we must know sadness to shine the happiness sometimes...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Misunderstood ME

Why am I always the one who mis understood?

Why is it always "i" who misunderstood "them" Why isn't it that "they" misunderstood "me"?

It irritates the heck outta me that Scott, Jason, Paul, Justin, other guys my family my friends always say that is is me. What the heck?

Last I knew I was a smart, intelligent individual able to communicate well. I speak fast, and type fast and don't like to spell check, but I UNDERSTAND JUST FREAKIN FINE ALREADY!!! that I have

I think the next time someone says that to me I am going to say to them "Maybe it is YOU who is the one who is misunderstanding?hmmm?" and if they continue to argue I literally am going to just walk away from them and not say a word

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I hate waiting more than anything in the world.

i mostly hate waiting for men.

mostly because I am spoiled.

I know I am.

I think they shoudl have to wait for me not the other way around.

But waiting for a guy to decide if he loves me enough to propose to me and sweep me off my feet and take me off the market is more waiting than I ever want to do.

ive been with J for 3 years now. An old friends stopped by tonight and he said wow I remember the days you wouldnt wait 3 days much less 3 years wow.

I thought hmm yeah why am I waiting?

j and I have had the BIG TALKS receently. He even asked if I wanted to do double session with both our counselors. He sees how unhappy this waiting game has made me.

On top of it all I don't think he trusts me. That bugs me.

I love J I do but this whole I think I might a baby thing is irritating the heck out of me

Plus he makes all these excuses for finances and they are just excuses.

Love is love and if you love you work through them.

I feel like he has it perfect.

He lives there I live here he get to f*** when he wants either when he visits or I do and there is no commitment for either. he lives a bachelor life and doesnt have to give up anything.

what he is goingto end up giving up is me

if we end, and my job ends, I will borrow the money if I have to but I will go to MD and stay with my other friends for awhile. Whats holding me here?

My kids are older now, my family can survive without me...

Im tired...jsut so tired

tired of waiting for j

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Some days I often wonder if he will ever realize how special I am and how awesome I can truly be. Some days I wonder if he will ever realize what a great girlfriend he has in me, how different from other girls I am, how supportive I am, how appreciative I am, how understanding I am, and if he will ever realize how open I am. Some days, I really wonder if he will see all the great things I know I am, I know I have gone through, and I know I can and will be.

Some days I think I will wait forever. Some days I think I need to wait more. Some days I think I am just waiting because he wants me to wait. Some days I think it is just like this story my niece told me...It was about a girl who thought her day would never come, he was never going to ask her to marry him, he would never realize how great she is and he would never realize that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her mind she was beginning to think it would never happen...and then out of the blue he asked for her hand and she found out that all the time she had been waiting he was buying the ring, prepping for a home, getting his life together to be with her, all of this was happening behind the scenes she just didn't know.

So what if that is what is happening here? Do I want to mess it up by pushing,no. I told him I would wait and I will. It doesn't stop my brain from thinking, though. It doesn't stop me from wondering if I am what he wants or if he is still deciding. It worries me, seriously worries me that 3 years invested and he still isn't sure about a few things..

When will he know? How much time do I wait? Is he being fair?

The song REALIZE by Colbie Caillat was jsut palying and it really made me think about this.

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,

No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

C: If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other

and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V2: Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V3: It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

When...when is he going to realize...when

Friday, April 16, 2010

In Love with the World

She was more in love with the world than anyone I have ever met before. She lived for life and love and happiness. She savored the world with every drop, every bite, every moment. She moved with style and grace and confidence. Her presences was alluring and when you were near here you were captured by her spell.

A moth to a flame knew better than those to come around her. The moth sees the shiny, bright light and moves toward it. I wonder if the moth knows the closer he gets the more likely hood he can get singed? If so, why does he still move towards it. Each time his wings get a little burnt, yet he continue to moves forward again each time burning off a piece of himself. But the glory of it all is that if he subjects himself completely to the light he will burn away his old self and become a new into anything he desires to be. He is not like the butterfly where cocoons and only has one choice but to become a butterfly.No, he can become anything.

She too is her own moth, yet she is in her own ever changing and growing world. She is a gypsy. She is a magician. She can transforms to become anything. It is only a matter of desire. If she chooses to stay stale and stagnant in her world she becomes disdain and unhappy. Through changes she becomes more amazing, more beautiful, more wonderful if that is even possible.

She makes you want to feel. to feel the world around you. She makes you want to taste it as she tastes it. Being drawn to her can be dangerous, but not being drawn is hell.

She wants you to be drawn to her. She wants to be wanted. She wants to be loved. She wants to be in the world. She wants to be of the world. She wants to live and to love and to be happy.

To be there with her in her world. The world of living and savoring life and it's preciousness, is heaven. It is like gambling and the one who is there is lucky enough to be chosen.

Saturday, April 03, 2010


So I realize there is a lot of change in my life right now. I have to keep telling myself a few mantras as a aprt of this change.

Asking myself, "What about this change is good?"

Remember to find inspiration
Be Brave
You can do it
I believe in me
Make a change resume: what changes have I been though, how did I handle them, how did I want to handle them, how do I view them, did I overcome, how did I overcome, what lessons have I learned

Also I have developed new mantras as well that are a part of this change process (hmm process, I keep thinking in Visio and think maybe I would benefit from a a process flow chart)But I digress...

1- speak less listen more
2- remember to be nice but not too nice
3- i do not have to be in control all of the time
4- let others speak for themselves
5- others will ask for help when needed, if not that is their own fault
6- being submissive is not so bad, in fact I like it but not all the time
7- remember to be true to myself

1- make a positive difference in the lives of others I come in contact with
2-follow through with changes above
3- keep your eye on the goal
4-make money while i sleep (research and consider stack able income)
5- get financial stable
6-rebuild credit history
7-be emotionally strong and stable
8- strive to be better
9-become toned and fit

And I always love myself so I can love and care for others

Friday, April 02, 2010


I feel like I am growing and chaning so very much sometimes it almost frightens me. Others say this feeling is growing pains but who knows. IDK.

Monday, March 22, 2010


Does anyone ever stay serious long enough to finish a conversation with me?

Why do I scare everyone away?

My insecurities are showing and I don't like it.

I feel so misplaced and lost and alone.

I feel like I am Phoebe from friends jumping around left or ight not knowing what to do and where to go and what to do.

I am watching Bed of Roses to feel better right now and I feel as if the girl who is standing at the window is me. So much pain and saddness, so much turmoil of what to do and how to do it and how to handle things in my life makes my brain want to explode into a million pieces.

So much so my head ACTUALLY hurts...


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Excerpt from Phonogram Single Comic - Ode to Pipettes Girl

TAKEN FROM PHOGRAM THE SINGLES CLUB #6 OF 7"As soon as the Master Plan struck me, a second thought soon followed. I need [HER]. She has the sort of charisma that can turn a conceptual exercise like this into living magic. Everything she does; she sucks eyes; every dance floor a performance.Misogynist ideas like Enchantresses were begat by people's responses to women like[HER].She is immaculate and monstrous and perfect.

She moves as if she were born to it.aloud is her medium. She was born to it and swims in it and lives in it and I can only think about how, if I stepped beside her, I'd drown. The song is hers.Words like Angel and Goddess are too small for what is contained in her as she moves and shimmies and chases the air as the air chases her. if I looked around, I know I'll find others transfixed. But who would look around?

...She has no need of my project. How could she when she has this? As the song ebbs away, a man joins her. She smiles. He moves with her, but only in the way that deep space moves with the stars. He is merely the presence where she is not."

This excerpt exemplifies me I think. Or else what I would like to think of me. I have heard before being near me and in my presence is like magic. My energy I give off is like fire. I don't know if I trulky am this. I guess if I knew, if I truly thought I was like this then that wouldn't make me who I am and that would be this. So if this is the me that I think I am, am I really?

Sunday, March 07, 2010

no matter what I do

I t appears in my life as i am learning no matter what I do someone will end up being hurt.I can walk on eggshells, i can try to please as many people as I can, but inevitably someone will get hurt. I know I can't please everyone but I like making people happy. I would sacrifice my life for another so they would get what they want. But if I dare step in and say ehy this is what I want I am needy, greedy, selfish, demanding, hurtful, and so on. Why. Why can't I have things too?

I need freinds and attention right now. I am lonely and I need somone in my life who will understand and support that. I want to be able to have that support from a current friend in my life, without question or ridicule from others.

I have digressed inot different thinbgs in life and am not sure how I feel abotu them myself so it is hard to convey this to others. I know I am happy working. I know I enjoy my apt w my great roomate. I know I enjoy hanging out with her, her frenz and my frenz.

I miss J though terribly. I miss him holding me at night. I miss watching our tv shows together. I miss the way we are together physically. I miss many many things. but through it all even though I do miss those things I think this is good for us as a make it or break it. I was reading in an old blog that I felt J wasn't moving forward at 9 months. It is now 2 1/2 years and I still feel this way. SMACK! What the hell.

I want to be patient. I want to grow and change. But at times I feel as if I am the only one growing and chaning because he doesn't share how he thinks or feels. How am I supposed to know what he is working on if he never talks to me? Why won't men tal damn it!

I want him to feel like he used to. I want him to feel as if he ca't breathe without me near. I want him to makr his terrority and make sure the whole worls knows I am his. I want him to be impressed and proud of me. I want his love his attention his desire.

But just as the rest no matter what I do somoene (usually me ) is unhappy. Im tired of being unhappy.

I really don't wan to make others unhappy. But no matter how much I care for them and try to be there fo rthem, I can't make everyone happy.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

My Gypsy Life

I follow my mother on her path as a Gypsy I guess. I travel here anad there and make home where home is. I don't always like roaming but at times I feel as if I have no option. Currently I am in Iowa. I have a small room I share with an amazing person I found on CL. As it turns out we have mutual friends. Small world some might say, but not me. It happens to me a lot no matter what, though I did feel it was very surreal.

I am trying to adjust and get acclimated. Things in my life are very topsy turvy and I have not felt like I belong for some time. Most of my life in fact, but it was nice to have a sense of belonging ever if for but a moment. I wasn't really feeling that in Omaha, but maybe it was my situation.

I am still getting my feet wet being bac in DSM but already there has been an outpouring of friendship and it feels nice.

Not everything is the way I want ti right now, but it is what it is. I am tired of the rug of life being pulled, no yanked out from underneath me. I jsut want to live and not just be happy/satisfied but stay that way.

I have most things I want in life and i know the road less traveled is the one I always choose and I don't care as I would choose it again. I am not financially stable as I wish I could be which entails some of the other things I desire to posses- house, new car, career. I truly do have a goal to make money while I sleep this year and am going to kill myself trying if I have to. Maybe it is as a friend said "acquisitive" and I accet that. Yes I want to acquire what I want. Happiness. the irony of that...that is another's similar goal.

But how ot acheive that is another adventure. One only this new year can bring.

I know what I want and I know why i want it. Yes I ultimately want love and though it may be as my friends say from the movie Sleepless in Seattle "You don't want love you want love ina movie"...well what the hell is wrong with that???

To me all things will fall into place. If a man loves me that way, then he will help take care of me, he will want to share his life with me, he will want to give me the world, and I will want to let him.

I feel as if some thins in my life has digressed but I know it is for the good and all things will work out one way or the other.Until then, I bid you adieu