Monday, March 22, 2010


Does anyone ever stay serious long enough to finish a conversation with me?

Why do I scare everyone away?

My insecurities are showing and I don't like it.

I feel so misplaced and lost and alone.

I feel like I am Phoebe from friends jumping around left or ight not knowing what to do and where to go and what to do.

I am watching Bed of Roses to feel better right now and I feel as if the girl who is standing at the window is me. So much pain and saddness, so much turmoil of what to do and how to do it and how to handle things in my life makes my brain want to explode into a million pieces.

So much so my head ACTUALLY hurts...


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Excerpt from Phonogram Single Comic - Ode to Pipettes Girl

TAKEN FROM PHOGRAM THE SINGLES CLUB #6 OF 7"As soon as the Master Plan struck me, a second thought soon followed. I need [HER]. She has the sort of charisma that can turn a conceptual exercise like this into living magic. Everything she does; she sucks eyes; every dance floor a performance.Misogynist ideas like Enchantresses were begat by people's responses to women like[HER].She is immaculate and monstrous and perfect.

She moves as if she were born to it.aloud is her medium. She was born to it and swims in it and lives in it and I can only think about how, if I stepped beside her, I'd drown. The song is hers.Words like Angel and Goddess are too small for what is contained in her as she moves and shimmies and chases the air as the air chases her. if I looked around, I know I'll find others transfixed. But who would look around?

...She has no need of my project. How could she when she has this? As the song ebbs away, a man joins her. She smiles. He moves with her, but only in the way that deep space moves with the stars. He is merely the presence where she is not."

This excerpt exemplifies me I think. Or else what I would like to think of me. I have heard before being near me and in my presence is like magic. My energy I give off is like fire. I don't know if I trulky am this. I guess if I knew, if I truly thought I was like this then that wouldn't make me who I am and that would be this. So if this is the me that I think I am, am I really?

Sunday, March 07, 2010

no matter what I do

I t appears in my life as i am learning no matter what I do someone will end up being hurt.I can walk on eggshells, i can try to please as many people as I can, but inevitably someone will get hurt. I know I can't please everyone but I like making people happy. I would sacrifice my life for another so they would get what they want. But if I dare step in and say ehy this is what I want I am needy, greedy, selfish, demanding, hurtful, and so on. Why. Why can't I have things too?

I need freinds and attention right now. I am lonely and I need somone in my life who will understand and support that. I want to be able to have that support from a current friend in my life, without question or ridicule from others.

I have digressed inot different thinbgs in life and am not sure how I feel abotu them myself so it is hard to convey this to others. I know I am happy working. I know I enjoy my apt w my great roomate. I know I enjoy hanging out with her, her frenz and my frenz.

I miss J though terribly. I miss him holding me at night. I miss watching our tv shows together. I miss the way we are together physically. I miss many many things. but through it all even though I do miss those things I think this is good for us as a make it or break it. I was reading in an old blog that I felt J wasn't moving forward at 9 months. It is now 2 1/2 years and I still feel this way. SMACK! What the hell.

I want to be patient. I want to grow and change. But at times I feel as if I am the only one growing and chaning because he doesn't share how he thinks or feels. How am I supposed to know what he is working on if he never talks to me? Why won't men tal damn it!

I want him to feel like he used to. I want him to feel as if he ca't breathe without me near. I want him to makr his terrority and make sure the whole worls knows I am his. I want him to be impressed and proud of me. I want his love his attention his desire.

But just as the rest no matter what I do somoene (usually me ) is unhappy. Im tired of being unhappy.

I really don't wan to make others unhappy. But no matter how much I care for them and try to be there fo rthem, I can't make everyone happy.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

My Gypsy Life

I follow my mother on her path as a Gypsy I guess. I travel here anad there and make home where home is. I don't always like roaming but at times I feel as if I have no option. Currently I am in Iowa. I have a small room I share with an amazing person I found on CL. As it turns out we have mutual friends. Small world some might say, but not me. It happens to me a lot no matter what, though I did feel it was very surreal.

I am trying to adjust and get acclimated. Things in my life are very topsy turvy and I have not felt like I belong for some time. Most of my life in fact, but it was nice to have a sense of belonging ever if for but a moment. I wasn't really feeling that in Omaha, but maybe it was my situation.

I am still getting my feet wet being bac in DSM but already there has been an outpouring of friendship and it feels nice.

Not everything is the way I want ti right now, but it is what it is. I am tired of the rug of life being pulled, no yanked out from underneath me. I jsut want to live and not just be happy/satisfied but stay that way.

I have most things I want in life and i know the road less traveled is the one I always choose and I don't care as I would choose it again. I am not financially stable as I wish I could be which entails some of the other things I desire to posses- house, new car, career. I truly do have a goal to make money while I sleep this year and am going to kill myself trying if I have to. Maybe it is as a friend said "acquisitive" and I accet that. Yes I want to acquire what I want. Happiness. the irony of that...that is another's similar goal.

But how ot acheive that is another adventure. One only this new year can bring.

I know what I want and I know why i want it. Yes I ultimately want love and though it may be as my friends say from the movie Sleepless in Seattle "You don't want love you want love ina movie"...well what the hell is wrong with that???

To me all things will fall into place. If a man loves me that way, then he will help take care of me, he will want to share his life with me, he will want to give me the world, and I will want to let him.

I feel as if some thins in my life has digressed but I know it is for the good and all things will work out one way or the other.Until then, I bid you adieu