Sunday, November 28, 2010

My Father's Birthday

I tried not to think about my father, my real father but it was inevitable that I was going to. My real father is Art Hunter and he passed away when I was only 10. His birthday always is right around Thanksgiving and sometimes I can pass over it but mostly I end up thinking about it, about him.

I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never get over him. I am on vacation, I am around my mom and friends and other people I could talk to about it, but I don't want to. I want to just talk to one person who knows me and understands because he knows me.

I always feel like I am lacking something. I have always felt that. Everyone else got to have a dad in their life there for them and I should be grateful because I had Lew but as much as he loved me, he was not my father.

I also remember my father telling me that if something happened to him to go live with my mother and I can't get that out of my head. Logically I know he is gone even to this day, but the little girl inside me still wants my father back and I miss him so much.

I remember the times with my dad that the older girls do not remember. I also am the baby and daddy's little girl. Even if my father is dead I will always be daddy's little girl. That person never left me. That person is still in my core. Daddy's little girl.

I don't think of my father so much anymore, but come November 27th, it happens and as much I was trying not to think about it I did anyway and it made me just want to talk to someone who understood me.

This sounds so lame, but I miss my daddy.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Like Him


11-21-I also just found myself shaking my toothbrush out which is what he does to his shaver.

11-21-Then I also nearly died when the trash can was full and the cent of it nearly knocked me over and again I thought...scents matter to him and now they matter to me...what the heck happened here. Did a transference happen??

11-26- shook out toothbrush and realized it was like what he does when he shakes out his shaver

I find myself doing or saying so many things that are like him it nearly drives me insane.

I was standing in the shower today as I have more recently and keep noticing that I wash my face in the shower the way he does, wash my face, rub my eyes, then wash behind my ears and then over my face again. I stopped. Hey this is just the way he does it.

The another time someone was asking me a question and I answered "I don't know" and they asked me again what I meant and I repeated I don't know and after about the 5th or 6th time I felt a ping of feeling like him and realized how I finally understood and said "I don't know how better to explain I don't know. " I walked away shaking my head at the person as much as me.

Then there are numerous things that little by little I notice, like as a Artist I was on the plane and was struggling to draw with someone sitting right next to me and it took all my might to muster something out even though I desperately and really wanted to. I finally did and the girl ended up complimenting me adn telling me how amazing and fantastic it looked and though it made me feel great her words went through me because what I ended up also feeling on top of that was more empathy to him to his plight.

Funny how now, now is when I start seeing and noticing all these little

Jakes Ex's

First of all let me start by saying the funny thing about this find today is that I never read Glamour magazine. I only got it because In Style new issues wasn't on the stands yet. I needed a magazine for the trip. I liked some of the other things it had to offer. I didn't even see this until today.

I was reading in my Glamour Magazine today and hit this article today.
Jake's Exes Tell all

I am going to copy it in in case it goes away as some articles do:

Jake’s Exes Tell All!
Brave guy—he called them all up to get their very honest feedback.
by Jake

Can your exes—those people who were by definition wrong for you—help you find the person who’s right? I think so. To know who you are and where you’re going, it helps to reflect on where you’ve been. So if I’m truly being intrepid in my search for Ms. Right—and if I’m going to be a kinder, more enlightened Jake for you readers—I figured I should man up, call my exes and get some honest feedback. I remain on friendly terms with many of the women I’ve dated, but it was still with some trepidation that I decided to reach out and ask them two simple questions: What did I do well, and where did I fall short?

EX #1: Elise, a student. We were long-distance and spent our precious nights curled up together on the sofa, reading.

Where I fell short: “You forgot dates that were meaningful to me—like on my last night visiting you in New York, when you played soccer instead of taking me out for a quiet dinner as you’d promised. And you didn’t call when I graduated.”

I felt like a Hockey Widow

What I nailed: “After I fell asleep one night, you wrote me a sweet letter on the back of a page torn from a very old book of William Wordsworth poems your grandmother had left to you. I found it in the morning after you’d headed back to New York. I was enthralled with the gesture.”

Sometimes it is just the little things that matter. always buying me a candy bar when you went to the store. Buying me an audrey photo. Getting me comic book I asked you about. Those really meant a lot to me. Though depleting your savings to get my car out of impound was a huge deal and it did NOT go unnoticed and I thank you for that too. Yes I knew and thank you for what you COULD do for me financially when you could. I just always felt bad because you didn't have a lot of money and were not really in the position to fully take care of me yet. But all the little things really meant so much

EX #2: Jessica, a no-nonsense art dealer with an amazing smile, body and scent, and impeccable style. (When we were together, my favorite part of the day was watching her get dressed for work—seriously.)I liked that you liked this too about me. but then again who hasn't :)

Where I fell short: “After I told you that an art critic had given a show at my gallery an unfair review, you said you had ‘hit it’ with his daughter. Ugh! I was worried that someday I might hear you dropping my name just as casually.”

I would have loved for you to drop my name or anyone's for that matter. I would cringe that I felt you didn't use your opportunities, schmoosh, and work it. This is how life works. use it to your advantage or quit griping about it. I just wished you would do something more to go after your dreams.

What I nailed: “You made being in bed about so much more than sleep and great sex. We would download music together and goof around for hours, sometimes all day. I was so happy, I don’t know how I ever let myself go to sleep.” [Note: I didn’t really hear anything after “great sex”—but I think the upshot here was positive.]

I liked this about you too. You made being in bed, napping (wink) fun. There is a Keith Urban song about Raining on a Sunday and they lied in bed all day and hung out and made love and I think of you. We could watch TV, have fun, break futons (another wink), and even sit near each other like in the new house and just have fun being in bed or near bed. I really liked that about you. But like he said. GREAT SEX didn't hurt either (WINK to infinity)

EX #3: Erin, who broke up with me. She left a big hole in my heart, which I’m not sure has been filled since.

Where I fell short: Erin declined to go down memory lane with me, saying she wouldn’t like her current boyfriend waxing poetic about an ex. Fair enough. Then she delivered the kicker: “Besides, I don’t remember what you did right or wrong. It was way too long ago.” Ouch. But I remember….

What I nailed: I would pick her up (at the subway, at her apartment) instead of just meeting her at places; I made friends with her family; I said “I love you.”


And that’s when it dawned on me: Sometimes it just doesn’t matter what you do. If things aren’t right, there’s no gesture, no joke, no gift, no perfectly written note that can change it. That said, my ex experiment taught me that I could stand to listen more and talk less; to worry about how a girlfriend and I were spending our time together rather than about the myriad other options I had on any given night. I just wish some of those exes had been as forthright during our relationships as they were all this time later. Here’s hoping that next time, if I pay attention, I will never have another ex to ask for feedback again.

Jake is a real, live single guy dating in New York City.

All I know is...I never get this magazine...and I believe someone was trying to tell me something...and was all good :)

I hope you think so too. We live and learn and you never never know what the future holds and hopefully we live and learn

The RV World

It amazes me while I am on vacation that people don't just come up and take things from the RV people. I also don't quite understand this life. When you urinate throwing away your paper in a trash can and not the toilet. Yuck. Not taking a shower in your won shower but using the shower in the clubhouse. I mean I guess it save on water. But I guess I am too prissy for that. I don't mind once in awhile but for weeks on end, it gets old. I mean why have a shower if you aren't going to use it. Why have a bathroom if you aren't going to use it? Why pay all this money for an RV if you aren't going to use it's amenities?

I guess I just don't get it.

Plus the fact that living in a Rv fulltime would drive me insane I think. There is such little space. Everything is in baskets and clamped down. Everything has to be put away and everytime you want something you have to go hunting for it. and then my mother is like, now where did I put that and that alone would drive me crazy. I would forget constantly. I know I would.

It reminds me of when my friends would go Yachting.On the yachts things had to be like that too. Now imagine if you will people who spend millions of dollars on their houses, who have housekeepers, who use a thousand napkins to wipe off thier hands putting their used pee pee wipes in a trash can as not to flush it down their boat?!? Hmmm something seems amiss here. But they did it. And BOY were they particular about it!

Isn't it funny how RV life is so similar to boating life. Every little things must be kept away in storage compartments. Every things must be put away. You can't flush things, there is a nasty odor of those urine wipes too (barf), and there is such tight little space you have to really think about what you are going to take with you before you go or you learn to live without it.

the funnier thing is that these two sects of people come from two very different worlds and are considered two very different types of people. The Rving world or class of people are considered a lesser class that the Yachter group and I know that group would snub them and look down on them. I mean my Newport Beach friends would be nice to my mom if they met her and all, but they would not in any way think of her as an equal.

But as I have only been visiting my mom here in Arizona for a few days and I have listened to her talk about how much this costs and that costs and how expensive the RV park and she has shown me different parks and how much it costs to stay at each one and how they leave learned how to stay at each one and how they now pay over $3,000 in membership fees to stay in this park a year and thye still have to pay for internet and cable and extra vehicle and if thye have more than two pets there is a pet fee. I mean that is just craziness. If you are paying over $3,000 a year you shouldn't have to pay anything.

I found out recenelty my Ex spouse bought an Rv on Ebay and is learning about how to survive in the beginning like my parents did. They said at first you pay $55 a night and then you learn to find a place that is cheaper. My ex spouse said he is learning this to be the same thing. But then again he likes to stay at the beach and you pay a high price for beach.

I jsut find it all humorous. Their whole lives are in this RV. And then they pack the satellite dish and the tablecloths for the picnic table outside, and then the chairs to sit outside, and the stuff to survive inside. It all is a different life and it jsut amazes me that one would want to go trhough this much trouble to live every two weeks.

But then again my mother has always been a gypsy and I have often followed in her foosteps. I have packed and unpacked more than i ever wanted to. I have lived out of suitcases with my ex and with myself. I know it CAN be done, I guess I am jsut getting to an age and stage in my life where I jsut want it to all stop, be settled and be with jsut one person and be happy for the rest of my life. JUST ME AND HIM.

the Rv world is not for me. I would not mind a Class C 20 Foot that you use jsut o camp in and can still set up a tent and have comething fun. Or having something like Lance and Jenny's parents that had the Rv that you could put the Motorcyles in and we could put four wheelers in and throw the beds down or soemthing.

Now that would be fun.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


In my Woman's devotional I read daily there was a story today about a woman who was having some tests run. She had to have an MRI run and having to go through an MRI recently I knew immediately her plight and what she was going through. She was mentioning how you can feel so tight and claustrophobic in there. I had to take Xanax to go through there and the first time they got it wrong so I had go through the agony of taking Xanax twice and being all loopy. (which my friends would say is normal) :)

This woman however was on the verge of panic in the tube and I do understand. I am sure not on the Xanax I would have felt the same way. She remembered something her pastor had said to her "When things are going bad for you, pray for someone else."

When you find yourself in this situation, when things are hard or going not your way, when things are tough or you feel like you don't have the strength, Pray for Someone Else...

and I do...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Leaving on a Jet Plane

When I was sitting there Friday this song kept coming through my head. Going throguh my head. Whichever.

My Bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

Then I ended up there because of the weather and you were sleeping and the song rang through my ears again...

I hate to wake you up to say goodbye...

Already I'm so lonesome I could die

I could feel the lonliness boiling inside me...but as I was sitting there I was already feel this. You already feel alone. Except when I don't.

Ya, that a girl for you not making sense.

There were times that I felt we were companions and buddies and shared so much and understood each other better than anyone else and then there were times I thought we just didn't understand each other at all.

There's so many times I've let you down

I'm sorry I wasn't perfect for you. I am sorry there were things that would not let you budge enough to step over the hurdles of adversity to the mound of love and move forward to marriage. I let you down. I am sorry. I failed.

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you

It is hard to move on I know, as you say. There is so much of YOU wrapped up in me and vice versa. I look around and there you are. Your signature is on everything and no matter what I put away or hide, you are still there because I want you there. My Audrey, as I call it is special to me. I cannot hide it away. It is My Audrey. my new Audrey is also now special.

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

odd that I did just that...kiss you one last time then leave you once again...

But I'm leaving on a jet plane

and that I am...

an a part of me wishes I wasn't coming back...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


It is hard now knowing that you read this here.

Before there was a thought a possibility but there wasn't a solid affirmation.

I have a few friends that from time to time come to the blog and read it but you see no one ever really comments ro says anything on it except my long time Guy friend E, who will every now and then say, "Hey I went out to your blog and noticed you have written out there for awhile"

But now, for you to say "One thing you have to know is I go there every day or so and read your blog, jsut so you know"

Wow, well, it kind of put me back a few pegs honestly...

I did know that every now and then you came out here and read. You have commented on a few things here or there.But now, knowing that you are out here daily or often reading and thinking about evrything I say makes me wonder and think

am I writing differently now? Am I going to continue to write differently knowing that he is reading it for sure?

I beleive the answer is yes. There is not much to do about it but continue to try to write as I did before but yet I care about you so I will sheild you as much as possible. But it is still my heart and my thoughts I started here long before I knew you and this has always been my safe haven to express.

Knowing though...has made and will make difference

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Choice

The choice to leave is not always an easy one.

My counselor says that oft times one person has decided to leave far before they actually leave they just haven't shared this with the other person. I believe and know this to be true, even if we don't know this ourselves.

Often times the hardship in this is that there are times that it feels or may seem like you are leaving one person for another person because of this because by the time you finally get around to leaving you have moved on but you failed to tell the person you are leaving this information.

It is not about the other person it is about the unhealthy relationship, it is about the trying, it is about the pains and the sorrows, the heartaches you both kept going through and hopefully you both come to a conclusion for the best of both of you that this is not working out and so you can still remain in tact with your hearts not completely shattered and hopefully still caring about each other and as friends that you walk away with your heads held high.

I'm not saying we are not broken when we leave and make this choice, but leaving amiably is different. I think leaving with your heart still tact is a great feat and I think it was accomplished and I think one would agree.

I care about this person and I know he cares about me. He is a good man and good person. He has amazing talents and good heart. It just wasn't working anymore. It was unhealthy for the both of us. It just wasn't right anymore. I want the best for him and I truly believe when he said "I hope you find happiness" he meant it.

He said I was a lot of work, he said he was tired of trying, he said most men don't realize how much work it takes to make me happy and/keep me happy. I am not like normal women, I don't have a normal job, I don't live a normal life. Nope. I am he farthest from normal that they come and I always have been. I accept that. I know that about myself.

Here's what I have found with my counselor in this past year that I have grown and what a lot of women don't get to and what he may not even realize...

I don't need a man to make me happy
I have found the courage to be myself
I enjoy being me
I will choose to be me no matter what the cost
I am a strong, confident, powerful woman
I am a pleasure to be around

I have emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs that are of crucial importance to me

I NOW at 40 years old and from here on out...

will hold any man very strongly to these standards and they will either meet them

or they will not be a part of my life!

I will not be "Broken Girl" anymore as Matthew West sings as his lyrics say(go look them up)

I will not allow men nor anyone else to walk all over me anymore - (to not mistake that I believe HE did because he did not, quite the contrary, I'm just saying other men and people in my life have)

People treat you how you allow them to treat you... I'm done being a doormat...

Though on that note... I am done being on a shelf and waiting...

I was getting dusty and I don't have time for dusty (sorry-but true)

I will be the fun, cheery, silly, energetic, goofy, bouncy, light hearted person I enjoy being

and I have come to terms that not everyone will like that about me,

I have come to terms that I will not get along with everyone

I have come to terms with that I may rub some people the wrong way

and I also have come to terms with the other side of me-which btw is the side that everyone has-the dark side

I can get aggressive, I can get angry, I can get grouchy and I can take peoples heads off...

But I look at where I was and where I used to be and how far I become and I am sorry but I could be worse and I am not GOD, I am not Jesus, I am a work in progress :)

and I have come to terms with that part of me too...

and if people don't like it...

oh well.

My skin used to be thin as water and I have developed a thicker skin.
I had jobs beg me to leave because my boss couldn't even talk to me without me crying at her desk. I had jobs where I was a wreck and I worked at home. I have had jobs where I walked out because I couldn't take it.

This year I went through exhaustive, internal assessment with a counselor and said I want to get to the bottom of me and my insecurities! It take a VERY strong person to do that and I did. I am not the me I used to be, I am BETTER DAMNIT! :) He said he didn't know who I was anymore...well, you are didn't because I was stronger and more me than I had ever been before.

The choice to leave was not an easy one, but I think I hope he saw (or he said he did) that it was a needed one and I feel at ease about it because I think we can both move on with our lives and I hope we both can find happiness in areas we never knew existed.

I hope he said was he really felt and wasn't telling me lies. I hope he meant what he said. I hope he is okay because I do and always will truly care about this man. I cared more about him in 3 years than I did anyone else and I truly did understand him more than I think anyone else ever did...

Be you...