Monday, November 16, 2020
Monday, October 05, 2020
"Though the mountains may be moved into the sea Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way I can hear my Father singing over me "It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok"I feel divinely inspired...My Heavenly Father is speaking to me through this music...He is trying to comfort me, he is trying to tell me, "IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY"
Tuesday, September 15, 2020
Being Here. Being Human.
Today, this can be writing ten things that are only because you want to.Ten things that are not connected to time as money.
Ten things that have nothing to do when showing you can do something just as well as anyone else.
Ten things that reclaim the body’s lived experience without requiring it remains inside the binary.
Ten things that are here, all your own, for you, for their own sake.
What is your own experience?
- I have ever felt the love of someone unconditionally until I met my third husband.
- I wish my mom lived closer
- I want to run away and live in the woods or country and homestead like they used, completely living off the land, no tech, no tv, maybe phones, but even if not, that is fine, perhaps only the land and me (and my spouse) picking berries, pruning bushes, gardening, canning, waking up each day with no agenda and just DO whatever the hell I want to.
- I have recently fallen in love with Oriah Mountain Dreamer and thus this has helped me reach my own reality about a part of me that also has in some circles started going under a new name that resonates with me more, but I have not shared it openly with anyone else except my mother.
- I yearn to write as profoundly as Isabel Abbot and Oriah Mountain Dreamer and slowly am allowing that person to unravel and become
- I am on Day 39 of 111 Vibrational Exercises and already feel a shift and my life, my connections, and my world is starting to not only change before me, but I am finally the true creator of it and know my Vibration is raised significantly.
- I have been growing my intuition through an app called Synctuition and I feel my Vibration and Intuition starting to work in tandem throughout my soul.
- I always feel like my body is attacking me and no one will ever let me get away with saying that because it feels uncomfortable for them to hear.
- I have body dysmorphia internally and externally.
- I am ina constant state of fear my cancer will metastasize again.
Being Here. Being Human.
“What would it mean if we didn’t run from our own ugliness or each others? How do we take the sting out of ‘ugly?’ What would it mean to acknowledge our ugliness for all it has given us, how it has shaped our brilliance, and taught us about how we never want to make anyone else feel? What would it take for us to be able to risk being ugly, in whatever that means for us? What would happen if we stopped apologizing for our ugly, stopped being ashamed of it? What if we let go of being beautiful, stopped chasing ‘pretty,’ stopped sucking in and shrinking, and spending enormous amounts of money and time on things that don’t make us magnificent?
- Mia Mingus, from Moving Toward the Ugly: A Politic Beyond Desirability
Where is the Ugly in you? What is it trying to teach you?”
Friday, September 11, 2020
Being Here. Being Human.
What are your own small wins? What are the successes you want to name?What of this life wants to be celebrated alongside the grief?
It all matters, and is worthy of occupying our words and space and remembrance.
Let’s write our words of celebrations to all the small and not so small things.
- Creating a new web page for my Toastmasters District
- Organizing all my fabric people donated to me this year
- Labeling and naming each fabric I have to up my game to allow customers to see my fabric choices and pick from them. Game changer!
- Completed the new ReBranding of my business and I am so happy with it.
- Found three different people to start working for my Fashion Business. One Virtual Assistant, One lady to make my floral headbands, one gal to help me some fashion needs
- Created and doing a daily practice of reading and meditation from Raise Your Vibration by Kyle Gray and feeling my vibration get stronger
- Have a regular schedule to listen to my Synctuition and have raise my intuition levels
- For the first time since 2014, we have a couch and a chair 1/2 that I completely manifested for free and it's nearly brand new
- Carving out time for myself for self-care
- Have made Magic Realism a priority to do daily
- Being able to spend time with friends
- Being here, alive, is a huge win for me
- My precious win I always feel honored to have is my spouse. He truly loves me unconditionally and I never thought I would find another that would exist that way.
Thursday, September 10, 2020
"It is never asked if the other person might labor to translate into my brain’s diverging language or seek to enter into the interfolded knowing of my own lived experience. And so, through the hoops of translation I go, contorting each time, until the connection received at the other end almost always seems to help the other person far more than myself, assuring them of something. They think they know me more; and yet I feel less known than before the conversation began. My pain has somehow been smoothed over, erased, made more palatable."
Omg, I am so freakin tired of explaining myself to others to make THEM feel better. To make THEM at ease.
Where does it hurt? How does it hurt?
Today, let’s name our losses, as many as you want and choose.
Let’s speak our pain, in our words, the body that has suffered having its say.
Let’s lay down the need to make sense to another and allow these experiences their own place of belonging at the table of our lexicons and languages.
I am here, interested and listening and ready to receive it.
Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott)
I ache. I'm in pain. Constantly. The only thing that ever seems to change is the level of pain. Am I LEvel 9 or Level 10. Oh, wow, I've been doing Physical Therapy. It's down to an 8. Alert the media. Not.
People, meaning my therapist, emotional, physical and massage, therapist, all hate it when I say,
"I feel like my body is out to get me. I feel like it is always fighting with me. I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting. It's hard to love a body that keeps failing you."
They say "Oh don't say that. That can't be true. " or " You've got this!"
Maybe I don't wanna get it. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I am sick and tired of fucking getting it.
You don't understand. You only have seen, PART of my journey.
I have had issues since before I was born. My mother had experimental chemo and radiation before she knew she was pregnant. Now I am not blaming anyone, so don't get your knickers ina twist. My mother and have discussed this and who knows, it could be a contributor.
After I was born. At 3 years old I had a rake fall on my head and I got stitches for the first time, but not the last. When I was ten, A coat rack fell on my while I was playing hide and seek. Oddly, I still like the game. I seemed to always have a cold growing up. I had back issues from Dance and Gymnastics and all I was putting my body through. I have been in a few car accidents. I had children before my body was ready and that made my body react negatively with ovarian pain, back pain, and more. In my 40s I fell and hurt my back making it worse.
Then to add to all this misery, I found out I had Stage 3 Colon Cancer. I told the doctors in Iowa since 201 something was wrong with my colon. I begged for a colonoscopy. No one would listen. I was treated for my back degeneration and saw pain management but no one would look at my colon.
Sadly, a year after I married my third husband that I made chase me for five years because I was not sure if It wanted to get married again or not. To add to that emotional pain, his mother passed away five months after we were married, earlier in the year, I found out I had cancer. That was difficult, but not for me. For what we are speaking of here now.
I felt like I spent 2016-2017 explaining myself to others. Not even just explaining, but making them ok with what was happening to me. I spent time, soothing their minds. Stroking their souls. Assuring them I was okay with things, even if I wasn't.
In a way I was ok. I always knew in my life that something tragic was going to happen to me, I just didn't know when. I nearly smacked one spiritualist when she said "You know, you probably give yourself cancer with your negative way of thinking that would happen. By thinking something WOULD happen you made it happen." Really, I almost hit her. Honestly.
In my Cyclothymia (Bi-polar symptom) mind, I started fixating on that. "Was it my fault?" "Did I give myself this illness?" I talked to my therapist about it...A LOT.
I had a whole year in 2018 to live. To explore. To travel. To celebrate life. To start seeing life differently. We planned and went on a trip for a whole month in France and a little bit in Holland. Amsterdam. Volendam and other areas. We moved into a new apartment closer to my husband's work so we could spend more time together. I was in a pure state of bliss. Je Suis Contente.
Was it enough? Did I learn the lesson I needed to learn?
My second cancer was found in February 2019. However, I started having issues right after we came back from France. At first, I passed it off, must just be my body getting used to American food and ways again. We came back on September 1st and by October I was in the doctor's office. My ovaries or something in that region was really bothering me. We did Biopsies let and right. All inconclusive. Months went by and it was Christmas. A friend asked me to help him at a Kiosk in the mall. Not a good idea. We were right in front of the Santa pictures. That meant a lot of kids wiping their snot and sick germs all over everything I was touching. The sneezed openly and coughed openly. OF course, I got sick. My husband got sick. Then he got that horrible Flu. Then I got that horrible flu and had to get pneumonia and flu shot afterward. I still felt horrible and thought I was gaining weight because my stomach was getting bigger. In January, I noticed my abdomen getting larger but yet I really had no appetite and I knew I wasn't eating much.
The tail end of January I went to the doctor and other tests were done. Come to find out my abdomen was swelling and I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my ovaries and it was leaking fluid into my abdomen. By the beginning of February, the doctors were running around like chickens with their head cut off again because they didn't listen to me when I said there was an issue.
I spent all of 2019 in an infusion room it felt. Talking to other cancer warriors. Some not as warrior minded as me. Some had cancers four times in a row or some had more severe cancer. I felt like that was not even a place I could speak about my cancer without having to be careful what I say or how I say it. Someone people were brutally honest when we spoke and I loved that! But most people talked about their cancer. They talked about everything else BUT their cancer though that was the largest thing in their face!
The hardest moment I had was when my first chemo appointment. My friend Angela went with me. She was a cancer survivor and understood. Plus she was a spiritualist like me and allowed me to be me and express myself however I needed to. I cherish her. That first day was hard for both of us.
I walked over to the recliner to sit down and immediately the memory came back to me of all the time I sat there a few years ago.
I burst into tears.
I shouted, "IT'S NOT FAIR! It's JUST NOT FAIR!WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE CANCER AGAIN? WHY? CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME? "
She held me as I sobbed and sobbed. When I finally sat down I looked around me and I saw people looking at me with sincere hearts and love. They knew the feeling. I knew by the look in their eyes they were saying back to me "I know. I know what you are going through. I understand that emotion.it's okay to be yourself here. We get it."
At the end of 2019 I was given the status of NED, No Evidence of Disease, however, I was told I need to keep my port in and I have to get Avastin regularly. I may have to get it for the rest of my life.
In January of 2020, I started getting my Avastin Once a month.
As of now, I have pains because of the Avastin side effects. I have shoulder tension and jaw tension. I have Hashimotos from all the chemo I went through, it affected my thyroid and this happens often in cancer patients. I have been complaining about my neck and shoulder and chest since last fall. Another series of no one listening to me. Joy. Not.
Finally, we are getting some Physical therapy happening and it is helping but not 100%
I have pains because of my Degenerative Disc in my neck and back. Plus the added should pain isn't helping.
I have been getting these odd pains under my breast, still can't figure that one out.
I lie in bed every night acknowledging each pain and doing what I can to alleviate the pain or make it tolerable enough that I can maybe get some sleep. I wake every morning in pain and take pills to try and relax my muscles and take care of that. Throughout the day, I stretch and take more pain pills to try and help. It takes the edge off but I am still in pain.
I told my therapist I think the term "Cronic Sufferer" is now my label I associate with the most.
Others do not understand my pain. Even if you have pains similar to mine, you are not in my body or feeling my pain.
I am a positive person and do my best to remain and show positivity to others because it soothes them. It strokes their soul. It makes them feel better about what I am going through.
I never realized how much I do that until I read this prompt and started thinking about it.
Thank you Isabel for the aid in allowing those feelings out.
I know pain is my life. I have accepted it.
I am able to greet it, in a different way. <3
Being Here. Being Human.
Tuesday, September 08, 2020
Being Here. Being Human.
Telling stories remakes the world!
Today we can begin to make the space.We aren’t leaving ourselves or one another behind.
What story are you telling?
What world are you remaking?
What one thing do you want to name today?
Monday, September 07, 2020
Being Here. Being Human.
Today is the first day of a new online project I am doing by Being Here. Being Human. https://www.beingherehuman.com/
SEPTEMBER 7 TO SEPTEMBER 18: MAGICAL REALISM W/ ISABEL ABBOTT
A writing workshop for those living with disability and/or chronic illness
Two weeks where we will write through the intersections of disability, accessibility, the sick/well binary of the disordered and diagnoses, the mundane and naming what is real, hybridity and living in spaces between, celebrating the small things, care, and creation, mourning and making a world where we leave none of us behind.
A writing space by us
(If you want to join I am not sure if they are still taking people)
Day 1- For today, what do you need to write, about you and for you?What realities pass through your head without any other consideration?
― Frida Kahlo
- The reality that I have more brain fog from all my chemo than I realized.
- The reality that this brain fog is limiting to my daily life and tasks.
- The reality that I will always be misunderstood by someone and I accept that
- The reality that I am a direct communicator
- The reality that I am real, raw, and hones to a fault
- The reality that I am authentic and that scares some people
- The reality that I am"too much" for some people and...
- The reality that if I am " too much" then those are not my people
- The reality that I am a lightworker, a star seed, a healer, a shaman, an indigo child
- The reality that I am good at what I do, though saying that out loud is often taken as Egotistical
- The reality that I can handle "more" in most situations than most people
- The reality that I am a hard worker and a smart worker
- The reality that because of all my pains, cancer, ailments, disorders, etc I tend to have a much higher tolerance for pain than I used to.
- The reality that because I have a high tolerance, I am often misjudged or diagnosed because others have shaped their disbelief, thus they think the same applies to me
- The reality that my body is flawed. Degenerative disc in neck and back, Hashimoto's, GI issues because of my colon cancer, as well as two cancers have severely altered my body.
- The reality that we all are perfectly imperfect in our own way.
- The reality that others have not ever walked a journey like I have so they will never understand and I need to quit expecting them to.
- The reality that my tribe may be small but powerful, loving, and accepting.
- The reality that I give more than I receive
- The reality that I am unique
- The reality that I have body dysmorphia and have a hard time loving my body because of this, but also the reality that I struggle to love my body because I often feel like my body is attacking me or out to get me after having cancer twice and so many side effects and issues from the chemo than I care to mention
- The reality that life is precious to me because I truly know there are no guarantees in life
- The reality that if I desire to change I need to be the change
- The reality that I am a good human
- The reality that I look at things, life, etc with a kaleidoscope vision
- Lastly, the reality that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and not the other way around
Saturday, August 08, 2020
Friday, July 17, 2020
Dear Diary 2020 Edition,
In ❄️ January, 🔥 Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran 🇮🇷 . We might actually still be almost at war with them 🤔. I don’t know, because 👩 Jen Aniston and 👨🏻 Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards 🏆 show and everyone flipped the crap out 😲, but then there was this thing happening in 🦇 🇨🇳 China, then 👑 Prince Harry and Megan ✌🏼 peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial 👩⚖️ , and then corona virus 🦠 showed up in the US ✔️“officially,” but then 🏀 Kobe died 😭and UK 🇬🇧 peaced out of the European Union.
In February, 🌽 Iowa crapped 💩 itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the 👩🏼💼Speaker of the House took ten. Whole. years. to rip up a speech , but then The👨🔬 🌎WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused 🤔some really important people 👔 in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty👨🏻⚖️, and 🇺🇸 Americans started asking if Corona beer 🍺 was safe to drink🤦🏻♀️, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor 👨⚕️ who just knew the 🤒flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.
In March, stuff hit the fan👿. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust 💥, but then Italy 🇮🇹 shut its whole country down 🚷, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a 😱pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency 🆘was declared in US 🇺🇸 , but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu 💁🏻♀️, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? 💡 I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks👨🏻, get y’all to close all of the schools so y’all can 🙏🏼 appreciate teachers 👩🏫 for once (because you can’t teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen🤦🏻♀️ ) close down all of salons so you can’t get your 💇♂️ hair or your nails done💅 , everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The 📉 DOW took a crap 💩 on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing 🤔 (I still don’t), We were then all introduced to 🐅 Tiger King and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year , 👍🏼Carol totally killed her husband⚰️ ..... whacked him! And then Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now.
In 🌧 April, Bernie finally busted✌🏼 himself out of the presidential race 🏃 , but then NYC 🗽became the set of The Walking Dead 💀 and we learned that no one has face masks 😷, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID , and by now our 🦁outgrowth is showing, so there’s a shortage on 📦 box hair dye and all of our hair dressers are like , 😱 NO DONT DO IT!!! But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life … or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released 🎥 videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….
In 💐 May, the biblical end times kicked off , historical locust swarms, we learned of murder hornets 🐝 and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games🙈 however people forgot to let us know. people legit started to protest lockdown measures with 🔫 AR-15s, 🏀⚾️sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were 🗣protests in every city🌃 ,which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in 👫crowds of more than 🖐🏼🤚🏼10 and for sure closer than 6 foot away ⬅️➡️from each other . Those people must have forgotten about the 😖pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media 📺 🗞 struggled with how to 🤬focus on two important things at once, people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale 🐋 was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest 🌳 after monkeys 🐒 stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab 🔬 and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid ☄️ narrowly missed the Earth🌍.
In ☀️ June, common sense just got thrown 🤾🏼 straight out the window and somehow 😷 wearing masks became a 🏛political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, then 👨🔬scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like 🙅🏽♂️🙅🏻♀️🚧DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind 💨 was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange 🛰radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe 🌌 that repeats itself every so many days 🗓 , and everyone was like 👽 DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT‼️🚫 but then America reopened 🙌🏼from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly .... not that great 👎🏼. All of the Karen’s came out at once, and people started tearing down 🔨 statues. Everyone is on Facebook arguing 🤼♀️ about masks 👃🏼, but then Florida 🏖 was like hold my beer 🍺 and let me show you how we’re number one 🥇 in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Coronavirus. Then we learned there was a massive dust cloud ☁️ coming straight at us 📍from the Sahara Desert 🐫 , which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the 👻 ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then 📚 learned of meth-gators 🐊 , and I'm like that is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card 😡 can we use it as the free space?? 🤷🏻 Then we learned that the Congo's worst ever Ebola 🚨 outbreak is over 😓, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever? 👀 ....... and don’t forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES! 🐍, seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!!
So here comes July…. at this point we are over it , just tell us what’s next .... 👽 Aliens? 🔱Zeus? ☄️ Asteroids? Artificial Intelligence becomes self aware? Can it just be something cool 😎 or fun for once? Maybe even a good laugh , like hahaha 😂 April Fools! We all actually wouldn’t mind that joke at this point.
Also, why didn't I know about the whale in the Amazon? Or a few other things because I just can’t keep up anymore!
But I’m sharing it because as long as we make it through 2020, I really want this to pop back up in the memories a few years from now. 🗓
Author unknown 🤷🏼♀️