Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Fun and Fabulous Designer Couture Aprons by
Trisha Trixie Designs
NOT your "Average" Apron
These aprons are FAB-ulous, Designer,
Couture and can take you from Home to
Happy Hour without ever having to
change what you are wearing
(Music by Rumble Seat Riot/Olivia Newton John)
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
@TrishaTrixie Getting the word out about @DreamBigIowa Watch for yourselves...
Does Trisha Trixie have YOUR vote?
Contest: DMACC Business Resources
When voting- you have officially finished voting when you get a page that says thank you for voting btw. You essentially have to hit the VOTE button twice. then a red message will alert you have voted. thanks. Sorry for confusion.
Tickets are available thru Tikly https://tikly.co/-/1721 or link to @Tikly tickets at www.trishatrixie.com Come hear Rumble Seat Riot enjoy some snacks, see some fun designs and help give back to Junior League of Des Moines. Thanks again to Amy Marie Giddings Shanna Reinke Killam and Roberto Partida for modeling for the show today! and Special thanks to @LauraLundberg who is my right hand gal as well as the other seamstresses who have helped me along the way and all my many followers, fans and supporters!!
Monday, October 07, 2013
PLEASE HELP BRING APRONS BACK AND HELP TRISHA TRIXIE BE A TOP VOTE GETTER! VOTE DAILY! VOTING IS OPEN! PLEASE HELP TRISHA TRIXIE BE A TOP VOTE GETTER AND BRING APRONS BACK http://www.dreambiggrowhere.com/entrydetails.aspx?entry=864
PLEASE SHARE, VOTE, THEN COME BACK EVERY SINGE DAY AND VOTE AGAIN AND AGAIN. http://www.dreambiggrowhere.com/entrydetails.aspx?entry=864
HELP TRISHATRIXIE BRING APRONS BACK!!
Friday, October 04, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
My man and I dated off and on. Each time I would get back to gether with him I would find out a little bit more about him that he hadn't told me before. Most of it was not a big deal and helped me to get to know him better. But the last time he informed me that we loved Video Games and had not spent enough time doing them as he liked. He would not let this last time take that away from him and I reluctantly conceded.
I actually felt betrayed not knowing this. My past relationships have had had something that go taken from me. My exhusband worked all the time and put work and his career before me. My Ex Boyfriend put work and art before me and I came second. Now here was another situation where something else came first.
I was already invested in this relationship so I just let it slide.
Now I have to deal with two things:
- Video Games
Neither of which he gets paid anything extra for. He is salary so it actually diminishes his per hour rate the more he works. He wants to do more with Video Games, but playing them to me is not the same as writing them and going after a dream of working for a video game company.
He is younger than me so he is working on his career. This is something I was afraid of, but adding video games as a way of release irks me. Why not spend time with me like we used to? Why not go for walks with me like we used to? I don't know if what bothers me more is that he chooses video games over me, or that he would have chosen that before? Or that the image of a person I had that was my boyfriend isn't really him.
I am feeling like a Video Game Widow.
So I looked up Video Game Widow and was astounded to find out how many other women on a site called GameWidower
then this blog 5 Confessions of a Video Game Widow
What worries me is not just the addiction but when people get addicted into delving themselves in one area, then I feel like, what are they hiding from? What is my man NOT discussing with me, or dealing with?
The other thing is him constantly asking me when I want him home or if he can work late and things like that. to me that is bunk. Don't ask me how you should act. Act yourself. If work is more important, then I know where your level of priorities are. If you are gone nearly all week and your first night back is layered with work on the weekend, well, I guess you didn't miss me very much.
Perhaps I am seeing it already in the asking.
Either he wants to be with me or he doesn't. Either I am important in his life or not. Either he wants to be with me or not. Either he wants to spend time with me or he doesn't. Sigh. I just want him to be real. I just want men to be real about who they really are and what my role in their life is.
Video Games or Me ?
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
The funny thing is I DO beleive in signs to a certain degree.
I have printed out quotes and mantras all over my bathroom. I just put a new one up yesterday "Never Hide" as a reminder to not hide myself from others, to share my story and share of myself.
But if I were to say what sign(s) I am looking for lately, it would be on the relationship side
- Is there going to be a day when my man comes home and says "I have been asked to move for work, will you come with me?"
- Is there going to be a day when in a loving moment he has planned out the perfect proposal and asks me to marry him?
- Is there going to be a sign of someone else coming into my life that turns my head more?
But then there is a business sign I am waiting for:
- Is there going to be someone who offers me tons of moeny for my business?
- Is there going to be a win for a contest I enter that answers my questions of what to do next?
- My life revolves around those two things right now. My Fashion Business/Modeling and my Relationship.
A sign in either direction is what I wish for.
That would be so nice.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Found another old email about my vision of what it was supposed to be like. Part of it is true at least...
In the morning you wake and I go fix your tea in our quaint little2 story home that I adore. I am 50s housewife style. I get your work things ready for the day and you go about yoru morning. You leave for work and I go about my day being wifely. I do the laundry and clean various parts of the house that need cleaning, I do little projects around the house, I may garden in the back yard, or paint or art things in my craft room, I might bake muffins or cookies for events etc, it could be a day I have clients or do my volunteer activities outside the house, toward the evening I prepare for you to come home and I may go to a little farmers market close by to get bagueetes and fresh fruits and veggies and then prepare ana amazing meal for you.
When you come home you go kiss me and go change into relaxing clothes and do relaxing things such as autogenic phrases or read and such. We eat dinner at our quaint little dining room table with place settings for two and chat about our day. We help each other clean up and giggle and chat. We put on comfy shoes and gather hands to go for a walk out to the beach of lake Michigan in Racine and walk slowly enjoying the calm.
Sometimes talking sometimes jsut enjoying the breeze and the elements. Sometimes we may go get your family to walk with us and enjoy the company. At times I skip along and find pebbles ro shells and rocks and giggle and laugh. I turn to see a smile upturned on your mouth. We spend Sundays lazy together and we love each others company.
This is what I see with life with us.
Is the rest going to?
Going after my dreams this year has been a lovely yet daunting challenge. Though it started on the modeling side of thing, merged into my fashions business and took a wild turn into my Apron and Accessories line, as the year is winding down I am seeing things for how they really are in all aspects of life, business and personal. Depending on which side of the looking glass you are, determines whether you find this good or bad.
I was doing fine financially while exploring my dream and using the back up money to help me survive. Then the money ran out. Blammo! The business has been up and down and my tax guy told me this year I need to determine if I am making enough profit in the business to still call it a Schedule C or is this a "hobby". YUCK. How do I loathe thee, let me count the ways. I hate the word hobby because it does not instil that this is my life force, my world. It says, to me, I don't have the guts to pursue my dream 100%. Maybe that is something I need to overcome, I don't know, but it bothers me to hear that word.
When I met with StartUpCityDSM they told me something I even recently heard on Shark Tank, you are not fully committed unless you are giving it 100% because you are not the only person with this idea and someone else is working 24/7 to pursue their dream and if you are not, then you are second in line. oooo that burns me inside to hear that like I said, perhaps it is just something I need to get over. Maybe I need to go on Shark Tank or Project runway or Fashion Star or etc. I don't know, but I know I need to take a different leap right now and I am jsut not sure what.
The other issue is that I am feeling a personal strain on my relationship with my man. I was reading old emails last night and came across this one where he is berating the past men in my life about how they "took care of me" so to speak or helped or NOT helped actually. The irony of finding this post is that he lately is not happy about all that goes into helping me financially.
"I'm mad, but I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at HIM for not taking care of you. You would be so much more stable $ wise, and you would have less stress if he would have done his job the last three years. It makes me mad to think how he harmed you. Not intentionally harmed you, but harmed you by not caring.
With [YOUR EX HUSBAND] at least it sounded like he wanted to make you happy and take care of you. He failed miserably... but he -wanted- to. Which is more than i can say for HIM.
How many stressful events in the last three years would not have happened if HE took care of you like he should have? He left you to care for yourself until he had no other choice but to do the bare minimum, and "Well i -guess- you can live here," he said. How many car, job, health, money issues would you not have had to deal with if he had taken responsibility? Not everyone can do everything, and that is understandable, but i don't think making sacrifices for the person you love is too much to ask. What was he thinking when he thought it would be ok to keep you on a shelf and ignore the consequences. I hope to god i am good for you and not harmful. I would be deeply distressed if i failed in my job as leader of the household. How can someone not even take note of failing to meet your basic needs. That is...just childish."
Yet, here we are, two years later and he is grumbling and feeling the strain himself, balking and harping about my finances. I can't help I have IRS issues my ex-husband left me. I also can't help I have past CS debt, also because the Ex refused to allow me to work, which in turn left me with a HUGE debt. And I also can't help it if I have school debts which again, yep you guessed it, are a result of the ex husband. I am not trying to blame anyone and I DO take responsibility in allowing it to happen in the first place and
I have since tried to do this on my own and failed. He didn't even initially offer he just started taking care of them. I am ever grateful, I am. But isn't he the one who said here it is his responsibility? As well as mine?
Now, in addition to this issue, we don't go out anymore. He never wants to enjoy the places we used to. He isn't the person he used to be. He has retorted back into his little hole of video games and seclusion. I feel very taken for granted in the manner of "I have you now, why do anything else to keep you"
This bothers me on such a level I can't even describe! I am at a loss. I have mentioned the lack of attention. I have discussed in tears and agony how I feel like things have changed. All I get is excuses and things I was fearful of with our age difference. Work is most prevalent to him. I however do not or haven not EVER felt that way. I sincerely doubt if on a death bed anyone ever really said "I wish I would have worked more" or once the gal is gone said "I wish I would have played more video games and never went out with her."
No I think it is more like the Song When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars
A whole list of "I should of's "...
I want the Way it Was to be The Way it Is. Is that really too much to ask?
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I am trying to build a fashion business.
I am sewing non stop and creating hair pieces left and right.
I model from time to time.
This part of life I love.
It is a struggle however financially and that is where I think part of my frustration comes from.
My man is helping me financially and I think it is putting a strain on our relationship.
But that is not the only thing interfering.
I feel depressed when it comes to our relationship. I am not fully happy. I feel like he focuses too much on video games and work and I am reliving a nightmare of a life that I lived with my ex boyfriend and most especially my ex husband. I think he feels like I SHOULD be happy because I have him and he is helping me. But to me there is more to life than money. I thought I was more to him than work and video games, but I am beginning to wonder.
My man did all he could to have me in his life and kept welcoming me back and kept begging me to be in his life. But here I am and have been for two SOLID years now and I feel like the "rut" has settled in and he has taken for granted the amazing and wonderful person I am. I don't mean that to be boastful, but I know who I am and what type of woman I am. He knows it too if he thought back to how hard her fought to have me in his life. It feels like a the same old story, just a different book cover. Everyone thinks I am so great and ooh ahh how they want me in their life. But then once they have me, it is like they caught a great fish and deicded to tack it to a wall like a trophy. Hell I would even be glad if I was a Trophy Girlfriend but you have to be willing to show off your trophy once in awhile and well, since he never wants to do anything or go anywhere or be social, that never happens.
Yet instead he lives in a world of games and work.
Supposedly he "de-stresses" this way. I am sorry but when I am begging for attention and I HAVE told him how I feel over and over again I begin to wonder if I am being taken for granted and he has lacked the ability to see me in front of him anymore. I have cried tears begging him to put me first and to be with me. Why am I not the "de-stresser"? I am getting tired of the tears and tired of his M.O. Tired of having to sound like a broken record so little by little I say nothing. Then I remember when I said "nothing" before and how NOT well that worked out for me in my past life.
I was looking at this piece of art today about how Girls are Like Apples on a Tree.
A quote from Pete Wentz
"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...”
If the boy climbs the tree sure that is great, but I have realized in my "disney-esque" beliefs as my friends call it, that there is a realization with Disney Princesses too. Life after the "Happy Ending" is what real life is about. At least those ladies got married. Not to liken myself to a cow, but that old addage of "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" seems to be in my mind, but the only part I feel lately like a cow is more like an OX having to take care and tend to everything without even so much as a shiny shoe.
I got to thinking, a lot of good it does though to go through all the effort, to go through a bunch of broken ladders, go up the ladder, climb to get the best apple and leave it on a shelf. Wouldn't that apple begin to sour and wilt away? It wouldn't be a good apple after awhile. How would it become a great apple again if this happened?
I am still trying to figure that out. But I know for now... I feel like the apple got picked and now, since the boy got the apple, he hasn't really seen how shiny and wonderful it really is since he put it on the shelf.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Wishcasting Wednesday: What Do You Wish to Savor? Wishcasting Link HERE
I wish to Savor:
- My time here on this earth
- To make every moment count
- To live like everyone is watching and I welcome it (because I do)
- My time with others
- Enjoying the moments I have at places, events, and others
- The internet and I can learn from the good or bad that happens on it
- Things we didn't have before and see them for the positive
- The lessons I have had to go through in life
- My friendships with my family, friends and new acquaintances
- Life and all it has to offer me and all it has to offer others
I leave you with these videos for you to savor to show you that I DO Savor life and hope that you will too
Savour Life. Love it. Live it. Savor every cotton pickin minute of it.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Today's Wishcasting: What Dream Do You Wish to Come True
I wish these dreams to come true:
- I wish to have a vast amount of followers and fans of my modeling, art and design line
- I wish for people to know me when I go places (Perhaps this is called fame?)
- I wish to have a company help me manufacture and sell my Apron Line and other fashions
- I wish to make at least $5,000 a month ( Miracle wish would be $10,000 a month)
- I wish to pay off all my debts to the IRS
- I wish to pay off all my debts to CSRU
- I wish to pay off all my school debt
- I wish to have a Fabulous Wardrobe
- I wish to be able to travel out of the united states again (Can't until debt to CSRU is paid)
- I wish to have followers and clients of my Be Fabulous E-Course and Campaign for Fabulous
- I wish to sell at least $250 every tradeshow I do ($500 a show would be a Miracle)
- I wish to outsell ticket to my Fashion Show in October (https://tikly.co/TrishaTrixieDesigns/TrishaTrixiesFunandFabulousFashionShow)
- I wish to be able to get into MB NYFW Fashion Shows when I am there in September
- I wish to be able to do interviews and meeting for high profile people and places when I am in NYC
- I wish to write on a regular basis for at least ONE if not MORE than ONE Mag (online or other)
- I wish to move out of the state of Iowa
- I wish to move to a Big City (Metro minded) aka I wouldn't mind going back to California, New York, or other places I hadn't thought of
- I wish to have a fabulous, wonderful relationship with a man who treats me like I desire and pays attention to me in the manner of which I need and want
The 7 Miracles Course by Stephanie st. Claire from Blissbombed
These are my wishes. May your wishes for your dreams and your miracles come true for you...
Xoxo ~Trisha Trixie
Monday, July 01, 2013
I have heard Famous people say dumb things when they got famous or big like "I never expected to be a role model"
Does one really EXPECT to be a Role Model?
I think it happens. I think when you are who you are and you are REAL that slowly this starts just HAPPENING. I think people start liking that you for who you are and one thing leads to another. They like your message. They like your person. They like your examples.
A good friend recently posted in a comment and I re-posted
I found it very powerful because I am working very hard to reach my dreams, strive for my goals and get higher and soar higher... as I journey on this climb it is important to me to do as JJ Heller says to"Climb to the top with integrity"
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Funny that this is today's question.
Recently I had to go through a re-branding for my business. Trisha Trixie Designs. www.trishatrixie.com
I spoke with an advisor who made a few suggestions to me. I am not one to just jump at what people tell me. I make my own decisions. But what she said made sense to me. As well I have been feeling very apprehensive to the fact that I was using a name I thought could create a Trademark infringement. I had don't my research at the time I started the business but I knew I had not vetted everything out. So I went back through and found out I can't use the name.
Mind you all of this happened JUST one week ago.
I changed the name and alerted everyone what was going on.
Then my worst fears happened...
Everyone jumped ship...all at once.
It wasn't just the fact that one person backed out, it was that all of them backed out at once. Then another, then another. And..then another...
IT was more than I could handle. I saw the vision. I could see what I wanted. But then I realized why I was so upset and so hurt...
I believed in these people. I trusted them. I put my faith in them.
and they ABANDONED ME.
When I realized that is what I was feeling, my thought process changed.
I remembered why I started my business...because I believed in me and what I saw for my future.
I think we believe in others we put too much faith in another person and not enough in ourselves. We think we can't do it without them. Whether that be in business or relationships.What do I wish to believe in?
I wish to believe in miracles.
I wish to believe in a higher power that watches over us and is there for us.
I wish to believe in myself.
But most of all I dearly wish to believe in humanity of man, that people are inherently good and they DO care about their fellow man.
This past week really has made me wonder.
It is not for me to ask why? It is only for me to accept it and pull up my boot straps and turn the page and move on. I do not understand how people could do that. But as my man helped me see...
The Game Theory.
People (most people) have their own interests at heart first.
So they didn't want to be a part of my business anymore. I need to not take it personal. I am not the victim. Remember everything I have learned in the past two years. It was not a personal attack on me. If it was, oh well. But mostly it was probably a decision. That is all.
So, are people good? I don't know.
But I like to wish, to hope, to believe that there are still good people out there in the world...
This is my wish.
As you wish, I wish for you also.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
My Wishcasting Wednesday post took a leap to my NEW Fashion Blog and site... come see
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Indifference is a funny thing. If you show you care and get excited about things then the opportunity to be let down is greater. Recently Ben said he felt I was indifferent to things in general. Which made me raise an eyebrow. I think if anything I am one to squeal and giggle and clap and jump up and down about things. But then the more I thought about I realized that he might be right in how I am showing it beforehand.
I do show my appreciation for flowers and things he gets me as well as things my friends and people do for me AFTER the fact. But I RARELY say how important something is to me BEFOREHAND. I keep it inside and say "Oh whatever is fine"
Why am I doing this? When thinking it over I came to the conclusion that sadly so many men have let me down in my life. Recent men in my life ex boyfriends, husband etc said I was too hard to please, I had TOO high of expectations and I wanted too much. I didn't lower myself but rather changed to show this indifference. It is safer. If I don't show that something means a lot to me or that I really wish for something then I can't be let down. Ok, I still get let down but I don't really show that either.
I know I am spoiled. I blame everyone. No really. I do. I blame my parents, my sisters, my friends, my boyfriends, my ex husband, strangers who just meet me and give me things, everyone. If you have ever watch 500 Days of Summer in the beginning they talk about The Summer Effect. People just DO things for her. People just FLOCK to her. People are DRAWN to her. I don't mean to Toot my own horn (ok I do) but this is my life. It emulates me to a TEE!
People are just drawn to me and give me things and not always what I want but it just happens. It is true. I don't know why. I am told it is how I radiate Authentiscm. Um ok sure! I am real to a fault.
But , as I am discussing, for things I want I don't always get. I don't mean like I want a pair of Pink Headphones that cost over $100 and I didn't get them. Yes, that would be kewl but I don't mean that. Those are material things and though My Love Language is Gifts and Praise. I get that. Benis good to me, my family is pretty good and doing that, my mom gives and gets me things all the time. When I get free things like SWAG I just go from NYC when I went to a Fashion Conference I was thrilled. Those things are great.
But I am talking about the things of substance. the things with meaning.
I want someone to propose to me. Sadly I have been married twice and wasn't proposed to either time. They both just kinda happened. To add to that I am afraid of being with someone for four more years for them to decide to move on and NOT propose or to propose to someone else. Yes, this comes from recent experience and though I should NOT let it affect me it does and please don't tell me all the easy ways I should get over it. I am doing well and I am happy for HIM the EX but yet still that stings like no MF tmrw...ok.
Ben is younger than me and so his life plans are going in every direction. We are great together. But I was also great with J and S and others too in the first few years. I followed the men in my life around and some, like recently, with no commitment to me but "Why can't be the way we are". I want more. I can see Ben and I growing old together and being a great couple , sure. But I fear following him to the ends of the earth for that NOT to be the main event.
J always thought it was the "Proposal" that mattered. IT wasn't. It was the fact that with it and a ring and a marriage I felt deeper committed and though you may not want to believe that little piece of paper does say a lot more to a woman that "It's just a piece of paper". At least it means more to me. It is a bond. I was with S for ten years. We struggled. We didn't have it easy but I was there for him and vice versa. We had many trials but I was there. I DO know how to be committed to a person. I don't think it is wrong to want someone to DESIRE and WANT that with me.
Of course, I want all that goes along with it. Marriage to someone I love. A cute little cottage home something 50's style. Me running my business at home or in a small studio. Him going off to work. Me cooking dinner and being a good wife, good homeaker. I know I am old fashioned but that is just how I feel.
Sharing this and sharing how much this means to me in the past has only scared away the men in my life. I don't want to be "Indifferent" to it but at the same time I don't want another person telling me I just want a ring. I have a ring. Ben gave me a ring. A promise ring. It's not the ring. Got it?
But marriage is not the ONLY thing on my mind I am keeping silent about (until now). I desire great success and happiness with my business SensaFashion and my Blog Fashionista Fun by SensaFashion. I do love fashion but more than that I have bounced around with these ideas and trying things out here and there and to and fro because I want to be self sufficient financially, financially independent, I want to make money at doing something I love. I love many things so thus the bouncing. I want to hear my name when I go place. I want people to know me and my brand or product. I guess that is a type of fame. Sharing this with others also can get me in trouble. People tend to look down on those who want FAME. I wouldnt' mind being recognized like Rachel Zoe but even if it were in the town I live I would be happy. Of course being wealthy and famous doesn't hurt right? Giggle and squeak. :)
Then there is my health. I have sever migraine issues. I have sever allergies to mushrooms, coconut and sensitivities to chocloate (I know right) and smoke. As well I took dance for years and my feet and back are a mess. My family has a history of health issues and so I worry a bit. MY teeth aren't great, I need root canals I can't afford, I would love to have Insialign and I really want to try do that VelaShape thing. These are all things I talk about a lot and mean things to me. I am a model. Yes looks matter to me.
Wealth, Health and Happiness in love....These are my A-Listers and the ones I really want. These are the things that bring me much joy more than any other thing in life. I do enjoy life and I love it and life it to the fullest I can. I do desire things and things ARE very important to me. I may not always say them or show them. I hope I always tell you, my readers and my friends and family how much you mean to me, if nto well you DO! I love you.
I am not Indifferent...I am just Cautious...Quiet and learning to sit back and wait. I keep hearing "Good things come to those who wait" so I wait.I do care, I do. I just don't shout these things to the roof tops which is funny to me because those who know me will say I shout nearly everything else! :)
I hope I gave you some insight on indifference in general and my indifference or really my silence to desire.
Until next time...
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I was sitting at the wedding of my niece not long ago thinking "Wow, how fast she has grown!"
At the funeral recently I thought "I didn't really know this man, but I can hear by the things being said and the songs being played he was a man of honor, cared about others and left a legacy of happiness and fond memories in the trail behind him"
At the second wedding I was there with my BF Ben. I knew ONLY Ben. Well and his mom. But aside from that...no one else. The wedding itself was quick and beautiful. I could tell the couple loved and adored each other. I could tell they had a fondness for each other. I could tell they helped lift each other up and were sources of encouragement for one another. Their family and friends said the same thing about them at the reception. While at the Reception, I looked over at Ben and thought One, "How lucky I am to have such a kind and wonderful man. He is all those things to me and I hope I am the same to him." Two, "I feel honored to be here with this amazing family at this amazing wedding. These two people as individuals have already left a legacy of love on their friends. Together, they will do so even more. "
This got me to thinking about my life. I look back and recognize I have luckily lived a full life. My mother sacrificed for me to be able to do so when I was young. I sacrificed many things in life so I could do other things as well. Yet, I have never deprived myself of life, love or living the life I desired. Whether that be in love, relationships, or work even. I see what I want and I leap. I go for it. I may not have a net or anything or anyone to catch me, and yet I jump.
Life IS short. Even if you believe in reincarnation...THIS life is short. This is what we have, what we live, what we know. Don't be afraid to live in it. Dare to dream. Shoot for your goals. You never know what will come into your life. You never know what door will close, what window will open, what blind you are putting over eyes could be shutting you out to the most amazing scene ever. Sometimes we have to see the scary stuff first to get to the happy ending.
Just like my little funny quote says..."You're next" ....now what what are you going to do now that you have realized that?
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
My father passed when I was ten. My best friends dad died when we were sixteen. My grandparents died around the holidays and death has been such a big part of my life you would think I am used to it. But I am not. Quite the opposite. I am sure no one LIKES death. Ok I take that back. I know my nephew is all goth this and that and some of my younger friends are all into goth and death but in reality I don't think they REALLY like death.
My cousin, her husband, was at my father's funeral. He saw how traumatic of experience it was for me. But many did not see the aftermath of how it affected me. Or should I say how I was unwilling to accept this fact.
Then going to live with a mother who believed in life after death did not help. Then I was quite confused. Was he dead or wasn't he?
I do believe in a higher power and I do believe living life to the fullest is essential because who knows. Though I also believe in accountability because also who knows about what that afterlife is. Maybe we come back as another human, a rabbit, a dolphin or a worm. I have no clue. Perhaps we go on to be missionaries to other worlds or other universes and help them learn. Still, I don't know.
I was Mormon for ten years and to add to my confusion about the afterlife, that also did not help yet add to the confusion.
So when I am going to a funeral anymore many thoughts go racing in my mind.
But in the end because of past things that have happened in my life no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, how far I have have come, I am always "Daddy's Little Girl" and the events and thoughts around my fathers death rise up in my head and come back into my mind.
I have grown much stronger since then and thanks to my dear counselor Sara I have learned to conquer these things and move forward with them on days like these. That doesn't mean it isn't hard.
But there are moments like these, like today that we, as adults, must put aside thoughts of ourselves, be there for others and take that empathy and turn it towards them. We love them, nurture them and show them our friendship and compassion.
My insecurities no longer define me. They do not need to define you. Do not let them.
Oh oddly. Reminders of Kat's Johny all of sudden coming wafting into my mind. How often that girl is in my head and I have never met her. But I know out there someone shares something with me.
A pain, a hurt, a love, and growth for a better day and a new tomorrow.
Dang, why did I put on makeup if I am only going to cry it off.....
Until next time my lovelies...