Thursday, December 20, 2007

Writing catching up

I realized I havent' been writing which for me usually is a good sign that things are going well in my life. JC said the same about his poetry but the more I thought about it I realized that was not a good thing. WE need to nurture the creative sides of ourselves. Perhaps I am thinking about this more because I am reading The Artist Way by Julia Cameron. I don't know. I do know I am very happy with JC. I dare to say crazy happy. HE is so funny and nice and he amkes me laugh. there are issues that concern me but I am trying hard to take it out of my hands and not allow them to bother me. They are so minute it doesnt matter anyway.

Mostly I feel so much passion for him I feel like I am going to burst! I rarely felt this way with him and even when I did it was in the beginning. There isn't anyoen else for me but JC, or so I feel. I hope things continue moving forward. I am scred out of my gourd because it is all so fresh right out of the relationship but JC and I are there for each other and it is nice.

Although sometimes I wonder if he really is there for me as much I need. He makes so maany jokes when I need him to be there and be serious. I know he is trying to make me smile and be happy but there are times I need to feel.

I do truly care about him and hope we can move forward in life. I want to know more about him and know more about his family. I can't beleive we are already taking a trip together. Others say I am predictable about that and that whenever I take a trip it is with someone. special to me.

I can't wait until one day we can be together. Then JC can fully be on our own, no more drama. No more issues. Jsut life. Jsut happiness. Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

National Convention

Well, Im off to National Convention...hope to have a good week. I need a break and this seems liek a fun event. Iwill get a fair amoutn of training plus be a part of something real not HS like the chapter here is.

I have a hard time dealing with what is going on with N. I want to be supportive but I don't want to be guilted into being there for him always. The poly is scientific and I jsut can't see it is being a set up but I never know what to beleive inthis town in this place.

I know I take in part in this but he still is the one who made these choices and decisions not me. Does he have a conscience at all? Does he even care? Does he have any empathy? Is he a liar? I don't know but if this truly is the person he is I can't do it. I hope that doesn't sound wrong or bad as aprent but I jsut can't.I know why parents disown thier kids at times like this.

So this week I am off to go to Nationals, think of nothing, hang out, have fun, enjoy myself, make new friends, and have a life of my own. I need to have a life of my own.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

What a week

This has been a crazy week lately. Issues with a Professional organization I am a part of. Someone walking out. Friends being in the middle. Another friend calling srying over parental issues. Car shopping. Bill paying. Busy at work. Parental guilt issues on my side. And son...again.

N failed his poly AGAIN. I don't even know if I know what to feel or think or act. I am currently looking at a car and having it checked out. while I am waiting they have the internet. After this is over then I am going to see N. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. He says he isn't hiding but the Polygrapher asked him mutiple questions this time and he failed all of them. It IS scientific which is why they use it so why did he fail all of the questions? I don't know. All I know is I moved here for him. I uprooted my life for him. I live for my kids and the never ending story is that you sacrifice your life fo ryour kids and they don't appreciate it and don't understand until they have a life of their own and get hurt themselves.

I have no clue how my visit will go. I had no original plans to go see my mom last night but changed things around. I had no idea nate was going to take his poly but he did. I had no idea he would fail but he did. I had no idea that this weekend I would end up feeling hurt all over again.

I better sign off soon as the keyboard is very cliky and I think I am driving the other guests crazy with my typing. I will update you further on the visit.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


I hate it when your friends say crap to you like, "You know I can't take sides" because really what they are doing IS taking sides with the other person they jsut won't side with you. So because you are a new friend in thier life they couldn't dare side to you over the old friend in thier life so they "cop out" and say they "can't take sides" but that is not true. They "choose" not to take sides because they don't want to be put in the middle.

But I don't think it is wrong to take sides to each level of each person. I am sure that not both parties are correct and they each have issues for and against on thier own side. Why can't the person int he middle say, "I can see where you are coming from?" I am sure they would be able to see that, right? No I guess not.

I get that the friend has been a friend for years, but what am I chopped liver?

I don't jsut want to vent.

I want support, understanding and validation for what I am feeling, thinking, doing.

I already have someone in my life who does not give me that. I don't want to be with people who treats me as bad as he does. I want thier support. Do I have to go through everything by myself, for the rest of my life, always?

I feel more and more like the answer to that is yes.

Thursday, September 06, 2007



To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
To really love a woman
Let her hold you
Do you know how she needs to be touched ?
You gotta breath her
Really taste her
To you can feel her in your blood
Then when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that you’ll always be together
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
You got to give her some faith
Hold her tight
A little tenderness
You gotta treat her right
She’ll be there for you
Taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The Big Talk-CC

S and I spoke yesterday morning. He said he wanted to really talk to me about the divorce and asked if he coudl call me in the evening. I said ok. He called last night and we talked and talked. I will say him having read Crucial Conversations has been better for us which is good as the marriage is not over yet and we do still have a business together.

We talked about the fact that we have not been in dialogue for 10 years (the book talks about this). We talked about how we made decisions and how wrong it was, how we need to make deicisions now and that we both usually want Consesus Decision Deciding (book). We then little by little delved into the deeper heavier weightier matters. I told him how I had been thinking of leaving him befor eI ever came out to Iowa, how I was unhappy long before, how since our last arguement in July I took my wedding ring off and haven't worn it is with the exception of when I went to NY with him, and then took it off again when I came home, I told him I was somewhat dating other people already, I told him how I don't know if I can wait any longer for him to treat me right.

Of course all 0f these things were not easy for him to hear, but we made it through. There were moments of tears on either part but our Mutual Pruppose was to get through the dialogue and stay talking and it helped. By the end we were discusssing the things I was doing for the business and any options if these things didn't work out for me. WE discussed out finances and him starting another business for me to pay into corp to corp for the work he does and he agreed.

We always talked about him not being a aprt of my blogs and him not being a aprt of my life. He asked if I would let him inmy life like my friends are and I said no. We talked about my life and things I have been hiding and how I do not feel as if I can be true to myself. He asked what that meant and I discussed E and lunches and emails I have as E has been my friend for years. He was open about it and understood. He said he doesn't want me to hide away and he wants me to have the life Iw ant. He wants me to have my friends even if he doesn't agree. But he would like to be a part of my blogs and I told him that I did not want himt o be a aprt of that as it is mine and it is my way to unload about my life and him and other things I am feeling.

It was not an easy discussion but it went ok. I am sure hearing I don't wear his ring, and that I am dating was not easy. He knows I don't love him and I don't have feelings for him. He also knows that I am not willing to wait now that he is changing. He also talked with me about how I feel that he looks at me as this evil person about the divorce and that I am not that. He said he doesn't look at me that way, but he is hurt by many of the things said.

The talk ended with us agreeing to talk more, but that both of us understood why divorce is looming and why and how we arrived at this point in our lives. I know it was hard and I really didn't want to "talk" about it, but the mature thing to do is talking about it so I did. The outcome was good, though I know it isn't what he wanted to hear.

Afterwards I took a long bath listening to Colbie Caiilat and jsut sat there thinking about everything. The talk was a good talk but it didn't change the way I feel. I don't love him, I don't feel anything for him, I am not attracted to him, I don't want to wait anymore for him to change.

I'm tired of waiting. I want "Somebody to love" and I want all of the things in that song right now. I think I can have that. He is NOT that. Those are facts. I deserve Somebody to love and I deserve Somebody who treats me right, right now.

That's fair isn't it?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Defy Gravity

This music really speaks to me about what is going on in my life and how I feel about my business. It is teh mucis from Wicked Defy Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes
And leap...
It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits

Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost

Well if that's loveIt comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me

Look to the Western sky!

As someone told me lately

Everyone deserves the chance to fly

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who ground me

Take a message back from me!
Tell them how I am defying gravityI'm flying high, defying gravity

And soon I'll match them in renown

And nobody in all of Oz

No Wizard that there is or was

Is ever gonna bring me down!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Thoughts after the weekend

I am so tired. It is now after 3 am. I can't sleep. I cry and cry and cry. Some say I am insecure. I disagree. I am going through the hardest times in my life. I can't be strong forever. I want to show someone the underside of me. But if I do, if I show concern for the things in my life then my insecurities show. Do I ever get someone to lean onto? Is there ever going to be someone there who truly understands me? Is there every going to be anyone who gets my life? Who treats me the way I need to be treated and desire to be treated? I am a strong person, but even strong people need somebody sometimes. Everybody needs somebody sometimes.

I hate this. I hate this year. It has jsut been so DAMN HARD! I want to shout at the world! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. The marriage has barely been holding on. Then when my son got in trouble I think what little strands were holding it together either got cut or fell apart.

I have to be there for N. I have to help A feel loved and good about himself. I have to be strong for S. On top of that, be strong for me. Run a business, hope it all works out, hope I don't have to go back to working for someone else. Keep moving forward. Change, grow, be a better mom, be a better person. Be strong for everyone. I sacrifice. We learn from our parents and my mother sacrificed all her life. I guess I follow in her footsteps.

It is all so exhausting yet I can't sleep. The bed is lonely. The sounds of the thoughts inside my head haunt me. Am I cruel? Am I being mean? I'm not wanting to be. Is it more cruel to lead on a lie or more cruel to tell the truth? Im screwed either way. I feel like this is a Sucker Choice. I can't win either way. This weekend was so damn hard. Did it HAVE to be that hard? GEEZ.

I have so much to think about. My mom is leaving soon. I thought I would be able to leave him sooner than now. I waited til she came home, but then all hell broke loose with N. I know it was wrong, but I used S. He isn't great comfort but he was something. Crying alone is not fun. But then when I REALLY needed him, he wasn't there for me. He showed me through his actions that I was not at the top of his list. On the way home I didn't know what to do. I cried so hard at times I had to pull off the side of the road. I talked to my mom, to R, to my other friends. But all in all I was still alone. Left alone to deal with N and all my thoughts. That was the hardest drive home I have had in a long time.

More tears. More and more tears fall as I write here, in my poetry, more tears fall when I listen to music and when I don't. I guess this is the time for tears. The pain of having to hurt someone else is so hard to bear. I hate myself for that. I hate being that person. But I hate lying am who I am even more. I'm scared as hell. and so what if that makes me insecure right now. Who isn't scared when they are getting a divorce? Only the bitches. I'm not one of them. I wish I was.

More tears... why can't I be one of the bitches? Because that's not who I am.

I am a good person. I am good to other people. My friends from HS and now all say I treat them good, I make them feel special, I make them happy. They say I am different than other people. My vendors say I am a different client than other people. I care. I show concern. I'm not demanding. My friends say I am unique. Country girl charm mixed with big city style and a Jackie O grace and presence. Deep down I am good. I know I am good. That kindness in my heart is what hurts me so right now. I know I am hurting S and I want so much to make it all better, but I can't. I jsut can't. I DONT LOVE HIM. I FEEL NOTHING.

I can't always make it all better. This is going to be hard. I have to do it. Sigh. I'm already alone so it's not that. It's hurts to hurt another...

why can't I jsut be a bitch about it...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Weekend

This weekend was crazy. It was filled with moments of happiness intertwined with delusions of hell mixed in with a little salt to rub into the wounds. Did you get that?

I don't know why I went. I didn't feel like I could just walk away at this point. I wanted to. I wanted to be mean and cruel and just heartless and maybe that would make it all easier. If I didn't care whether or not I hurt another wouldn't that be easier? Maybe, but being true to myself through all of this is important to me and doing things like that would not be true to me. I am not a mean, cruel, vengeful, vicious, mean person. I can't just walk away cold and leave someone there to fend for themselves.

I recognized that he is trying. I also knew that I need to try and keep him happy through this and if that means walking on eggshells then so be it. Or so I thought. The good news is he is finally reading Crucial Conversations. The bad news is he is reading Crucial Conversations. The reason that is good and bad is that he wanted to have them all weekend long.

We came out understanding the other which is what the point is. A CC is not to agree or disagree is to understand the other person. I think mostly we did. The problem there is that we don't agree. We don't share the same views, values or feelings.

I don't love him. I have no emotional feelings to him. When he kisses me I feel nothing. If he put his arms around me, it seemed no different than wrapping my own arms around myself. If he looked into my eyes, I could look back, but he was thinking how much he loved me and I was thinking how much I didn't. Then when he wanted more, I hurt his feelings because I didn't want the same. How could I give myself to someone fully when I didn't even want to give myself to him partially? I knew it would hurt, but to me leading him on would have been worse.

Now I have a lot to think about. We talked some more this morning about the business and what would happen if we divorced. I really don't want to think about things in that way as it feels so shallow, but a mature decision is required here and we both need to be thinking rational, reasonable and decent like the book says.

He got so angry at me and started screaming at me over the phone and being very mean and cruel in his words when we were discussing this. I am so tired of being yelled at, taking the blame, and waiting for someone to be there in my life. Waiting for someone to talk to me with decency, for someone to talk to me like I have a brain and I am smart, like I matter to them and like I am worth being talked to with respect. I get so frustrated about that. Yes, he is changing but his levels of change are so far behind mine.

I asked him to stop yelling at me and talking to me that way. He stopped and then started crying and saying why would I want to be with him when he is so mean. What do I say? He has a point. He talks down to me so much. He treats me like a child one day then a mom to him the next.

The truth is that when I am with him I feel absolutely nothing. He is just like hanging out with a friend or a roommate. I used to think it was that I didn't have the passion he had. I thought I didn't know how to feel that way, but I know that not to be true. I don't feel that way towards him.

There is this song I keep thinking of my Depeche Mode called Somebody. I think it stands out in my mind as it is how I feel and what I want.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll (He’ll) get my support
She (He) will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Sh’ell (He’ll) hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll (he’ll) often disagree
But at the end of it all
She (He) will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it

I don't know if my expectations are really that high, but I often wonder if they are out of reach...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Backing Off

I'd like to say Im better and in some respects I am. I am not as wallowing as I was earlier last week. Last week I wanted to shoot myself. You would have thought it was a PMS week but it wasn't. I was told how self centered and selfish Iw as. Then other people I know confirmed those thoughts. Then I had a talk with a friend who pretty much told me I was pushing too hard to be in thier life.

So what is my outcome on that? Backing off is what everyone always asks me to do. C, J, S, R, E,you name it, someone has told me. I don't know why I am so Attnetion hungry. All I can figure is for years no one ever did. Now so many did and do that when it is gone it is like the high is gone.

Reality is this "If you aren't paying attention to me, someone else will" So now here's the hard part. Yes, other people can pay attention to me, but then I have to be the one to allow it. And if I value my friendships with certain people I can't allow that to happen. As well, they may pay attention to me, but why are they doing so? I know why mostly, and I don't want that so I end up alone. I don't want to be alone.

I have been alone in a dead, loveless marriage for almost 10 years. I can sit right next to him and feel alone. I want SO much to sit next to a person and feel like they want me near them. Not for SEX, but because they truly and genuinely want to be near me as a person. They like who I am. They want to be around me.

I know I move fast on my friends. I share too much, I am too much and the drama of my life is too much for most. I need to back off. I need to give other space and let them lead their lives and have separate lives. I am doing that now. It is hard. It is lonely. It is life.

I am still happy and fun. I still enjoy life. I am replacing this void with other things now like Exercising and becoming fit. I am working on (almost said trying) pulling away from the computer as well. After I write this blog I am goign to make some food, sit down and watch Tv, read a few books, and RELAX.

Someone told me that recently and though it frustrated me that they said it, I concur it was a well needed statement. I work too much and I sit in front of the computer too much. If you want to know where to find me, most will say "On the computer".

Well, til now. This year has been about changes. About progressing and becoming a better person. I love to learn and grow and change. Just usually not all at once, but maybe that is what we need sometimes. Growing pains are real in life.

I am working on having a life of my own. Making new friends. Spending time with me. Relaxing. Taking a break from 80 hour work weeks. Obtaining sleep. I need to learn to be satisfied with not talking to my friends everyday. I do feel that satisfied=settled and I don't want to be settled right now. I want to enjoy and savor life. I want someone to do that with me. I want someone in my life that wants to do things, see things, hear things in life.

I want someone who wants what I want and enjoys what I want and wants to be with me. I am willing to back off friends and learn about all these things on my own. But eventually I do want someoen to come along for the ride. S had that chance and he lost it. He may not even know it right now, but he has.

I am going to NY to keep him happy. I am going to try and relax and enjoy myself. But running away from the issues does not solve them. I will make the most of my time. I hope we get along. I hope we are decent to each other. He has been reading CC and it has made a difference. But not enough for me to stay. I don't like being alone, but I like being a poor marriage less, because irrovocably I am alone anyway. So, this trip is a relaxing trip. I hope. I have no expectations. I do have reservations and I told him so.

We will see what the future will hold...on all avenues...5th and otherwise.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

I cried

I cried all night.
I cried myself to sleep.

Who wants to hear the worst things about themselves and then have someone else confirm it?


Invisible to Everyone

Ironic that I looked at my Yahoo Messenger and I was bsuy today so I marked it as "Invisible to Everyone"and the more I think about it, the more I truly do feel that way. I feel as if the world is moving around me and bumping into me but no one sees me, no one cares. If I dare speak out for attention my friends say I am attention hungry.

I had lunch with a friend today who told me I was being selfish and self-centered. OUCH! Wow. I didn't see that one coming. That hit me like a frieght train. We talked and I spoke of how I was teh baby of the family and always felt like I was clawing my way to receive attention from family members. When I was in High School I never received any attention from people as I was shy and a wallflower. I had a few friends, but nothing major. They always made it a point to say someone else was their Best Friend not me. Guys didn't notice me or wanted to go out with me even when I had the guts and courage to ask them.

Once I did start dating I had little by little pulled out of my shell. I started modeling for Teen and Seventeen magazine and had money so I could buy nice clothes. I remember the first time someone really noticed me and it felt so good. I was at my friend E's apt and one of his friends came through the door and jsut stared at me. E introduced him and the guy said, "Wow. You are incredibly gorgeous." Of course this caught me off guard, but nontheless I loved it and eated it up. Why not? I spent years with no one seeing me and now someone finally did.

I have been through a lot in my life and have been hurt often. I used to be a player and walked around stomping on guy's hearts without a care in the world. To me, that was selfish and self-centered. But for someone to say that to me now made me really think.

I realized that I am currently attention hungry. I was overweighht a few years ago and finally have lost some of that. I have my own business and walk with my head held high. I have confidence in myslef and am proud of my life and the way I look.

As well I have a lot going on and have to do it all by myself. Even with S around sitting in the room I could feel lonely. Read my blogs you will see what I mean. I NEED attention right now. And then, there's the new friends inmy life that I thought understood, yet instead agree and wanted to tell me it was getting out of hand yet this is a person that o0riginally said they were "too much" telling me I am "too much". NICE.

I know I am not invisible. I know people see me. I know I am pretty and beautiful. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept. I truly care about other people. I give my friendship and everything I do my all. All I ask is for some attention in return.

But I guess I am jsut being a self centered, selfish person. It hurts for my friends to say that. and though I realize that what M said has some beaing and truth to it, the fact the someone else who normally is that way backed that thought process up, hurt my feeling more than anythign else. In addition to the fact that S in the last month told me the same thing.

Well, hey...I will tell you all what...I won't ask for attnetion, I will pull back, I will not seek you out, I will go abut my day all by myself, like I often do and often have to. People see all I do and say I can't do it myself, but I can and Iw ill becaus eI wouldnt want to burden anyoen else by being there for me.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Speed Networking gone wrong

Well, tonight was a bust. Ok so lemme see, yes yes today is Tuesday, though it felt like the worst monday ever!

To sum up I must tell you the events of the evening and then you can tell me how you feel about it or what you think...fair? Fair! ok...let me take you ony my journey...

  • I show up to Legends and notice off to the right where our group is supposed to be there is another group.
  • I ask who they are and they tell me a large organization here in town
  • I informed them that was wrong as I was told we were to be there
  • I asked them if they were expecting us
  • It was 5:30 when I showed up and our event started at 6 pm
  • They had a scribbled piece of paper about us but didn't have the room ready
  • When they started preparing for the room I had to tell them everything all over again (two tops, like speed dating but speed networking, one person stays one person moves and that they will get thier own drinks until the end when we need a server as some people are staying to eat)
  • At 6 pm they were just finishing putting tables up
  • Luckily only a couple of regulars showed up early
  • Everyone else started milling in after, but Legenda lost our flyers so I stood at the door and had to redirect people since our room was changed
  • They did recreate a sign that they posted on the wall, but no one saw it where it was thus the standing and redirecting
  • The event starts and we are one table off. GREAT...NOT! So the take a booth nearby (which btw was only the first of many confusing inicdents through the night)
  • We had 19 people show so one of the hostesses had to sit to make it even so I stayed standing to manage the timers and bells)
  • We barely did the first round and as soon as someone had to go to the booth it ruined it
  • thenw e finally got that figured out and people kept getting up and getting a drink or going pee right int he middle of the event 9needless to say this does not bode well when the other person is sitting alone and has no one to network with for the 5 min)
  • Then we took a break and attempted to allow the stationary person to move -
  • Good grief all mighty...first while on break a few of the guys decided to give me a hard time about how the move was giong to work
  • The other hostess told me to have everyone go one way then changed her mind (which made me look bad and I don't like to look bad)
  • Then each time it was time to move someone would get it wrong and the boys would all fuss and give me a bad time
  • Then these little dingbat blond girls(im blond too but they give us a bad name) would mess it up by going pee or getting a drink or going the wrong way
  • After awhile it was going so awry that we gave up and let people mingle on thier own
  • I walked over to w wall and pretended to bang my head
  • 5 minutes later someone bought me a drink (too funny)
  • Whew...glad that was over

So I ordered some food, vowed never to use Legends for Speed Networking again and then met with my Graphic Designer from La Cava Designs and then tried to relax the rest of the night.

Thank goodness its over

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Hard Life

I ended up hiding out and then cryong tonight. N is still not doing well. I talked to his counselor and he is still slacking and not pulling his weight. It's like he doesn't care. I talked to him after I talked to his counselor and asked him to kick it up a notch. I know I laid on teh guilt a bit and said "I fe he cared about me if he loved me he would change and do what is right." I think that almost hurt me more. I don't like being that person. I dont like this tough love crap. I want to hug him and tellhim it will be alright. I want him to know tht no matter what I accept him. I don't like taking his Ipod away and taking away the things he loves in life and taking myself away.

This life is so hard.

Then there is S, my spouse. I jsut can't please hima dn we ended up having quite a rough weekend. I ended up asking him to leave and going to Keith Urban by myself, which I was glad about because teh songs were very poignant for my life right now. It was weird being alone though.

I don't know how to deal with all of this and I am jsut trying to do what's right. I am in so much pain and tears and need to be strong for everyone all the time. I feel so alone. Even if S were here I feel alone. he needs to change so much. I have grown and he hasnt and I just dont think I can take it anymore. We are ending. It's time. WE are trying so hard to hold on to something that isn't there to be nice to each other when neither of us is truly happy.

I have new friends out here that I am making and learning about. I have a new organization tha ti am part of and they have become my friends more. Plus my graphic Designer is a prt of a few other groups. I want to join another, but I am so busy I don't have time to do that much. I am really trying to focus ont he business. I think I will jsut stay with tis one the Jaycees for now.

The friends I am making are so down to earth and honest. They are not fake like people in Ca can be. my friends in Cali arent like that but a lot of people are. I used to call them Plastic People. MY friends are true but they are very busy with thier life and they always have been. My friend C said to me once that she couldn't live up to our friendship tha tI need someone too much. I guess that's true. I do need friends and I drive them insane trying to connect. But even though that is true I never had a long term friend except one and he cannot even devote time to be there when I need him to talk to.

So I live alone, I deal with things alone, I talk alone. N told me he thought "tough and Fall" were my kind of songs. I'd have to agree. I am strong. I have been. I always will be. But every now and then I falter. Every now and then I escape under the covers like this afternoon. I cry my tears like I did tonight and now I am ok. WEll, ok as I will be. I will survive. I will go on. I will be fine.

I have a Passion for life and I keep my chin up. I don't harbor these thoughts and feelings forever I move on. that's what you have do with life. Butit is nice to have others around who care about you. It is nice to have friends who you can hang with at least.

This life is hard life. Ive always had one. Why should today be any different?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Tears for Songs

I sat listening to music on my Itunes today. Various songs came on and didn't really afect me, but then Destiny from KAtherine McPhee came on and I started to cry. I went to look at the lyrics to figure it out. I guess I jsut feel so much like I have no one, no one is behind me. I am always behind everyone ele and I support everyone and make them feel better, but where is the person that always stood by my side and was truly there for me.

"You were always by my side
That you believed in me was enough reason whyI didn't stop,
didn't give upeven if i sometimes lost hope"

So many people here in Iowa have all these friends that they have known since kindergarten, high school etc and they are still friends with them. I have one friend I can sometimes talk to and that's it. Most of the time I can't even talk to him. I have been pretty emotional lately anyway. So much has gone on with Nate and now I am not even seeing him. I deleted my SO blog and keep planing on redoing it, but don't know how all that will look. I can't talk to anyone about the SO because they don't get it. I think I need to start a Parents of SO Support group. I can't seem to find one out there so maybe I need to start one so we all have someone else to talk to. Sigh. It is just so frustrating.

Anyway, I better get back to work. I have taken WAY too much time off recently and need to get back down to business. I am two choices away for a new logo and then soon moving onto the dating sites. Maybe I will add a blog to the business site and then all the members will know what is going on with the sites.

Ok, well, I am better now. I have cried my little cry, sobbed my sob and wrote it all down to bore you half to death. Back to work. On my own...sigh.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Co or Ne


Went to see S for a bit. Was a long two weeks. I didn't have work to do there so it was boring as heck. He at least is working non stop so when he is off work he only has a few hours to try and fill. I could fill a few hours. Plus he could be working on the sites with his boredom time but then claims to be too busy. Interesting.

I am feeling so frustrated lately as I feel like I am going 150 miles an hour and taking care of the books, handling the B2B account things now mostly, tending to the mail, finding designers and developers, setting up networking, un packing everything here and BTW had to competlely take care of the move and the car (twice), plus the mechanic, plus paying the bills now (minus two I think that he has set up on automatic - woo hoo), and trying to be here for my son and make sure the other one is happy too, ex, stp dtr who could care less about me, and so on.

On a good note I will be updating my photo site and start loading up my pics to the site for others to download or purchase. I took some amazing pics in the bluff, of the bluff, in Co and even recently here in Ia.

We had some intense storms here and the aftermath pics are well WOW doesn't even cover it.

so anyway, Jsut wanted to chat a bit and update what has been happening. Aside from S griping (like always - he can't be pleased no matter what I do or say), things have been ok. Sigh. I becvome frustrated because I do sincerely feel as if I will never please him. I don't like that feeling. Also I feel as if he doesn't truly care about how he looks or he would do something about it and he is getting larger and larger. Which means more and mroe snoring, less and less of me wanting to sleep near him because of that snoring and a vicious cycle of misery as THAT isn't going to please him if that happens.

Plus I know he thinks he can't please me either and it so makes me wonder about us sometimes. Why are we still married if we both feel defeated so much? I dunno. Cant answer that one except to say that perhaps the good out weighs the bad. The bad news is I feel as the bad is inching into the lead to outweigh the good.

Is it really too much to ask for someone to take an active part in a relationship? Isn't that what relationship means? He whines to me a day a go about how he feels unforgotten because he can't reach me or I don't email or talk to him enough, but how many years did I sit and wait whiel something else was more important? how many years did I try to call him and couldnt reach him because he was in meetings or travelling? Did I freak out? No. How many years?? MANY. I have a hard time feeling bad now that the show is on the other foot. I hope that doesnt make me sound awful but I guess I feel justified.

he always says things like he " loves me mor ethan I love him" but he doesn't show it. HE still doesnt get that working a 100 hours doent mean romance or love to me. Notes, cards, flowers, poems, letters, a favorite candy bar I like, or a small something to say how he feels. I am always the one showering and he doesnt, but if I miss doing it he whines. When is he going to truly show me how he feels? Without tears or whining or griping? Am I expecting too much? Is it really than unrealistic to think that a man can work for his family, take care of the bills, and still make time for his wife so she feels special? I guess I must be crazy.

GRRR. It is SOO frustrating. oh and the other day he calls and the first thing out of his mouth is yelling because he couldnt reach me. He didnt say hi. he didnt say I miss you. he didnt ask me how my day was. All he cared about was he was frustrated and so I jsut should have been there. Even though I called him on it, he still ended up whining, griping and crying before the conversation was over of course AFTER he Verbally Vomitted on me about hsi day and his stresses as I stand there covered, dripping and now I am mad, hurt, stressed and he is fine and is like, Ok well, Ill let you go now thanks.

Uh, I don't think so buddy. We had a chat. Lets jsut say it wasnt good for him. SIGH AAGGAAIN. SO he wanted me more availalbe and then tonight I was, tried to call him and I think he si doing tha tthing like he used to do when we were dating when he tried to "show me" like "ill show here, I wont be avail and see how she likes it" kind of thing. Maybe not, I dunno, but I wouldnt put it past him.

Ok, so now I feel like I jsut spewed. Uh I think I will go back and post a warning on the top so if anyone reads this they know before hand. I apologize. Can you tell I am frustrated? Uh yeah. What gave it away.

(HEY I jsut realized thae note of sarcasm was in my book Crucial Conversations as a Style Under Stress. I guess I actually do that even though I thought I didnt. Whoa. Lessons Learned.

Ok, I'm all spent. No more left of me. gnite. I will try and be better at my updates and also try to be more positive.

Thanks for reading anyway if you read the precursor and warning and kept reading anyway. Either you had nothing better to do, feel the same way, or are a true friend. Either way... Thanks.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Way back home

Friends so far.

I hate that my friends are all so far away. The good news is that my mom is currently on her way back to Iowa where I am at. I jsut foundout that she will be here for awhile at least until October. That is good news for me becuase I really have needed someone here. I know some people have a problem with my mom but all in all she is still my mom. I love her to death and I respect her. I don't always agree with what she says but I value her thoughts.

I will be spending the night with her tonight once she is back. I am looking forward to being with my mom. I am sick. I don't feel well. My stress level is too high. I have to deal with spouse, kid, parents, friends, more and more. I think it jsut broke down and my body said ENOUGH and I got sick.

It doesn't matter whether there are people here or not, I sitll feel alone. I feel weak. I am not strong like I have been. It is a lot to bear and I alwys have to bear it. It is hard. It is not like me to be this way.

I am very glad my mom is on her way back home.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Never so alone

I would like to say that I have never felt so alone but I can't. Unfortunately I have felt so alone but that moment on Sunday was the worst I have really felt in a long while. My son has told me more things that he had done wrong and the problems he is having. Itried to be supportive but ended up telling him that we had to talk about it later. I couldn't bear it anymore. I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't be strong and I felt that I had let him down not being able to be there for him. But a mom jsut isn't equipped to deal with all of this.

Scott is gone travelling, my mom is far away RVing, my friends all live out of state and I have no one. I left the school and drove away. As I got on the interstate I started to cry but ended up crying so much that I had to pull over. I sobbed uncontrollably and my heart ached with a burning I haven't felt in awhile.

I hate feeling this way but it happens a lot in my life so unfortunately I have become used to it. How sad is that? I have become used to feeling sad, used to feeling alone, used to dealing with trial after trial, issues after issue, and so on.

My life is so hard and always has been. Now my kids are going through issues and having a ahrd life as well. What do I do for their pain, thier heartache their trial?

The pain that I bear and the loneliness I feel is real and substantial. It is here.

Lonliness consumes me.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. I am back at work again and again spouse does not have an assignment again. I got one before one week was over. Of course he is working on the websites again. I want him to but I don't mean to soak up the whole day doing nothing but web. He needs to be balanced in all things. I need him to do more than he is doing but he never can. I feel so frustrated and then he says stupid things to me like" I can't beleive how well you are holding up" HELLo what choice so I have? Who is going to be the breadwinner? Who is going to handle the bills? Who is going to tend to the kids? I don't really have a choice in my mind. I can't pull the covers over my head and not do anything. It is not like that would move him to do SOMETHING.

He says he can't do it and he is so overwhelmed and can't handle it all.

I have issues with my kids
Issues with his kid
I need to be in Iowa
I want to be in California
A new job with new challenges
Status meetings with our bookeeper
My mother is travelling aorund the globe and not here where I need her
why don't we add jumping through hoops of flame while we are at it and by the way honey he adds can you jsut...blah blah blah for me?
No I can't.

Can you actually do something in our life?
Can you take care or ME for a change?
CAn you be an active participant in your OWN life? Geez.

Then my friends are all aloof lately and it is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I cam going to burst and explode but then I have to hold it together because I can't do that. Who would comfort me? Me? N. instead I sit in the shower crying my eyes out, then we he comes in I act like all is well because he can't handle it if I break down even for a minute.

I broke down a month or so ago. I had jsut found out more horrible news about my son and what is his method of handling this and being supportive...he lied in bed all day and wasn't feeling well. he thought he was coming down with something. Oh poor baby. I feel for you.

But then, even though I did talk to my other friends abotu the problem and shared my thoughts and feelings, did they pull through? No. Again I dealt with on my own. What does all this make me think?

Do I ask too much? Do I expect too much out of others? I guess so. All I wanted was an email saying hey there, I feel for you, I may not understand but I am your friend and I love you and I care. I guess that is way too much to ask. Even the closest people to me can't even give me that.

Anyway, maybe I am jsut blogging out my frustrations because I am stressed today. Sorry to explode. Not that anyone is listening. But it was nice to get it out.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Yeah, well I wish. That would be heaven to here I think. Iowa is so weird. Well I started my new assignment today with WBCBS. I think it went well. I am tired so going to bed, but jsut wanted to say hey.


ok goodnite

Friday, March 16, 2007

Spring Break

Trying to recover from all the chaos for SB. The pool has been broken, but I got a chance to hang out there today. I have been so busy working on marketing material for the sites and trying to do recruting for our company, it is jsut so busy. Cali is faster pace and I there is so much to do. But more so on top of all with everything going on with my son, I don't even feel like going back to Iowa right now. It all seems so futile and pointless. But I know I have to for my son. I have to be there for him. I have to support him and give it all a chance. But if they give him back to my ex I am leaving and going back to Cali. And I guess I will jsut have to wait until he is 18 or 16 and it ahppens on its own. I am through palying these mindless games where I never win, my kids never win, they suffer in a non existent society that only exists back in time. It is so frustating.

I feel like crying half the time, but can't because I have to hold myself together for ym family, my spouse who is out of a contract again, my compnay that I am in charge of and have to do all the work or it falls apart, and finances to survive. I have to keep it together because I do and those who know me know I do...

I sat in the bathroom crying before I left Iowa for Spring Break and I totally lost it once I was here alone. It is jsut so hard at times and I jsut have to cry. So spring Break is here, Scott is here part of the time and sometimes he jsut makes it worse. We se my folks tomorrow and he is leaving Sat or Sun and driving back to Iowa. I have a new assignment when I get back and he has always.

I want to make the most out of this and I think I am doing the best I can and better than most. So SB is here, Cali is great and I think it was well needed and well used.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Selfless or Selfish

Why do people think are they being selfish when they are trying to be ahppy and do things for themselves. It appears to me that usually the people who say this are mostly "selfless" and do so much for other people that they lose out most of the time. I was one of those persons for years and finally became aware of thi things in life I was missing and took a stand.

People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you are complaining because someone does not treat you well, then it is your own fault. If you are not getting what you need, speak up or shut up.

Also, why is it everyone else deserves the best of you but you? If you don't take care of yourself then how are you really expected to take care of others? If you don't make yourself happy, how can you make others happy? am I wrong to think that I have a rigt to be happy? Don't I deserve to be treated fairly, deserve to be happy, deserve to have things on my life? I think so.

But that and people tell you that you are being selfish. Do I think that self perservation can go over the top? Sure it can. I whole-heartedly agree. Some people take it to the extreme. I am merely talking about the simplicity of tending to one's own self once in awhile and allowing yourself happiness.

My opinion: Those who think they are being SELFISH are usually the ones who need to be a little bit more. The ones who think they are being SELFLESS are the one's who need to be more that way as well. The people who are a little of both are well balanced.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Let it Snow Let it snow

Well, we arrived back on Sunday night and Monday morning awoke to snow. It has been sprinkling snow off and on for the past few days but nothing really. Now it is Saturday and tonight we are supposed to receive more snow after midnight into Sunday. I guesswinter is now upon us. I don't mind it somuch and liek tha now. It is pretty but when I step outside and it feels arctic that's whenI mind.

I did take some pics and I will try tp get them up on the site for you. Nothing like my friends inother places have so I really shouldn't say anything. I even changed my Avatar up above to a Snow Pat if you didn't notice. She even looks like me lately. Black coat, long scarf (cept mine is pink of course) and a hat. Too cute if I do say so myself! ;)

So wedding is over... THANK GOODNESS. Now on to bigger and better things. WORK. Oh how fun. We are still workingonthe websites and actually jsut hired our first employee an Accountant. Well the weather loks yucky out there andI'm hungry so I think I hear some Maple and Brown sugar oatmeal calling me. laters!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

AUUUGH no more wedding things please

This wedding thing is tiring I will tell you. Whew. I am still calling people and emailing and tracking down phone numbers for people I don't have emails to. Then call and make sure my family knows they are personally invited. Then track down old friends who have not called me in awhile, but I know A)they would feel upset if they weren't invited and b) they woudl feel bad if they didn't answer so I keep bothering. ok, well we finally get to talk to two of them. One family says yes most liekly one says sorry...travelling.

Now I cross people off. Go over what we still need. Discuss purchases and gift cards and more.

Discuss discuss and more talking and arranging. ARGH!!

I have no phone numbers or address and emails for my son in law's family. How do I involve them and make them feel a part of this when I have no way to reach them. sigh. I need to call my future son in law and get some of thee numbers. I need to do my part as "the mom" even though I am the wicked stepmother to her. I have a big ugly wart (insible you see) to her. But someday...maybe someday she will be thankful...maybe she will be happy about my part...maybe she will want me there with the bridal room...but probably not...JSUT her mother! More than likely.

Sigh....another day in wedding planning

Day in the life of a blond

  1. Got up late (not normal)
  2. Ran around having a closet day (This is when you stand in front of all your clothes and decide you have nothing to wear)
  3. Didn't eat and got to work hungry
  4. Busy the minute I hit the door
  5. Got my conference calls mixed up and almost called the wrong person
  6. Busy all day and almost forgot to eat lunch
  7. Didn't want to leave the office so mulled around my desk for what I had
  8. What does a Blond eat that she finds in her drawer? Oatmeal and hot coco...mmm nutritious
  9. Swamped for the rest of the day then 5 :30 showed up
  10. what the heck happened to the day?
  11. I guess to a blond the hours vanish or something.
  12. Went to Target
  13. Got a cart and almsot ran into the security guard
  14. Walked ten feet and found out why =Blond CArt I guess.
  15. Ok now u ask...what is a blond cart??
  16. A Blond cart is a cart that leans sideways when you try to turn it and always goes the way you don't want it to.
  17. Yep...blond cart
  18. kept having to veer cart the direction I wanted it to go
  19. Now what is funnier than a blond trying to steer a crooked cart? not much else
  20. Rest of the evening....busy until midnight
  21. then blog
  22. Then relax and go to sleep