Friday, September 27, 2013

Video Games or Me

My man and I dated off and on. Each time I would get back to gether with him I would find out a little bit more about him that he hadn't told me before. Most of it was not a big deal and helped me to get to know him better. But the last time he informed me that we loved Video Games and had not spent enough time doing them as he liked. He would not let this last time take that away from him and I reluctantly conceded.

I actually felt betrayed not knowing this. My past relationships have had had something that go taken from me. My exhusband worked all the time and put work and his career before me. My Ex Boyfriend put work and art before me and I came second. Now here was another situation where something else came first.

I was already invested in this relationship so I just let it slide.

Now I have to deal with two things:

  • Work
  • Video Games

Neither of which he gets paid anything extra for. He is salary so it actually diminishes his per hour rate the more he works. He wants to do more with Video Games, but playing them to me is not the same as writing them and going after a dream of working for a video game company.

He is younger than me so he is working on his career. This is something I was afraid of, but adding video games as a way of release irks me. Why not spend time with me like we used to? Why not go for walks with me like we used to? I don't know if what bothers me more is that he chooses video games over me, or that he would have chosen that before? Or that the image of a person I had that was my boyfriend isn't really him.

I am feeling like a Video Game Widow.

So I looked up Video Game Widow and was astounded to find out how many other women on a site called GameWidower 

then this blog 5 Confessions of a Video Game Widow

What worries me is not just the addiction but when people get addicted into delving themselves in one area, then I feel like, what are they hiding from? What is my man NOT discussing with me, or dealing with?

The other thing is him constantly asking me when I want him home or if he can work late and things like that. to me that is bunk. Don't ask me how you should act. Act yourself. If work is more important, then I know where your level of priorities are. If you are gone nearly all week and your first night back is layered with work on the weekend, well, I guess you didn't miss me very much.

Perhaps I am seeing it already in the asking.

Either he wants to be with me or he doesn't. Either I am important in his life or not. Either he wants to be with me or not. Either he wants to spend time with me or he doesn't. Sigh. I just want him to be real. I just want men to be real about who they really are and what my role in their life is.

Video Games or Me ?

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Wishcasting Wednesday: What Sign do you Wish for?

What sign do I wish for? That is our Wishcasting Wednesday assignment today.

The funny thing is I DO beleive in signs to a certain degree.

I have printed out quotes and mantras all over my bathroom. I just put a new one up yesterday "Never Hide" as a reminder to not hide myself from others, to share my story and share of myself.

But if I were to say what sign(s) I am looking for lately, it would be on the relationship side

  • Is there going to be a day when my man comes home and says "I have been asked to move for work, will you come with me?"

  • Is there going to be a day when in a loving moment he has planned out the perfect proposal and asks me to marry him?

  • Is there going to be a sign of someone else coming into my life that turns my head more?

But then there is a business sign I am waiting for:

  • Is there going to be someone who offers me tons of moeny for my business?

  • Is there going to be a win for a contest I enter that answers my questions of what to do next?

  • My life revolves around those two things right now. My Fashion Business/Modeling and my Relationship.

A sign in either direction is what I wish for.

That would be so nice.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Vision of Future Life

Found another old email about my vision of what it was supposed to be like. Part of it is true at least...

In the morning you wake and I go fix your tea in our quaint little2 story  home that I adore. I am 50s housewife style. I get your work things ready for the day and you go about yoru morning. You leave for work and I go about my day being wifely. I do the laundry and clean various parts of the house that need cleaning, I do little projects around the house, I may garden in the back yard, or paint or art things in my craft room, I might bake muffins or cookies for events etc, it could be a day I have clients or do my volunteer activities outside the house, toward the evening I prepare for you to come home and I may go to a little farmers market close by to get bagueetes and fresh fruits and veggies and then prepare ana amazing meal for you.

When you come home you go kiss me and go change into relaxing clothes and do relaxing things such as autogenic phrases or read and such. We eat dinner at our quaint little dining room table with place settings for two and  chat about our day. We help each other clean up and giggle and chat. We put on comfy shoes and gather hands to go for a walk out to the beach of lake Michigan in Racine and walk slowly enjoying the calm.

Sometimes talking sometimes jsut enjoying the breeze and the elements. Sometimes we may go get your family to walk with us and enjoy the company. At times I skip along and find pebbles ro shells and rocks and giggle and laugh. I turn to see a smile upturned on your mouth. We spend Sundays lazy together and we love each others company.

This is what I see with life with us.

Is the rest going to?

Trixie Tuesday Thoughts: The Way it Was to The Way It Is

I realized I haven't been writing on here as much but in the insurgence of seeing my dearest pal Kat face her blog, as she put it, it made me think how I too am ready to put it back out there. I have been quiet on here not for anyone or because someone asked me to. I have been absent because my life has been like a tornado and I in the eye of a beautiful storm. It may be chaos and whirlwhinds around me, but for the most part I love it.

Going after my dreams this year has been a lovely yet daunting challenge. Though it started on the modeling side of thing, merged into my fashions business and took a wild turn into my Apron and Accessories line, as the year is winding down I am seeing things for how they really are in all aspects of life, business and personal. Depending on which side of the looking glass you are, determines whether you find this good or bad.

I was doing fine financially while exploring my dream and using the back up money to help me survive. Then the money ran out. Blammo! The business has been up and down and my tax guy told me this year I need to determine if I am making enough profit in the business to still call it a Schedule C or is this a "hobby". YUCK. How do I loathe thee, let me count the ways. I hate the word hobby because it does not instil that this is my life force, my world. It says, to me, I don't have the guts to pursue my dream 100%. Maybe that is something I need to overcome, I don't know, but it bothers me to hear that word.

When I met with StartUpCityDSM they told me something I even recently heard on Shark Tank, you are not fully committed unless you are giving it 100% because you are not the only person with this idea and someone else is working 24/7 to pursue their dream and if you are not, then you are second in line. oooo that burns me inside to hear that like I said, perhaps it is just something I need to get over. Maybe I need to go on Shark Tank or Project runway or Fashion Star or etc. I don't know, but I know I need to take a different leap right now and I am jsut not sure what.

The other issue is that I am feeling a personal strain on my relationship with my man. I was reading old emails last night and came across this one where he is berating the past men in my life about how they "took care of me" so to speak or helped or NOT helped actually. The irony of finding this post is that he lately is not happy about all that goes into helping me financially.

"I'm mad, but I'm not mad at you.  I'm mad at HIM for not taking care of you.  You would be so much more stable $ wise, and you would have less stress if he would have done his job the last three years.  It makes me mad to think how he harmed you.  Not intentionally harmed you, but harmed you by not caring.
With [YOUR EX HUSBAND] at least it sounded like he wanted to make you happy and take care of you.  He failed miserably... but he -wanted- to.  Which is more than i can say for HIM.

How many stressful events in the last three years would not have happened if HE took care of you like he should have?  He left you to care for yourself until he had no other choice but to do the  bare minimum, and  "Well i -guess- you can live here," he said.  How many car, job, health, money issues would you not have had to deal with if he had taken responsibility?  Not everyone can do everything, and that is understandable, but i don't think making sacrifices for the person you love is too much to ask.  What was he thinking when he thought it would be ok to keep you on a shelf and ignore the consequences.  I hope to god i am good for you and not harmful.  I would be deeply distressed if i failed in my job as leader of the household.  How can someone not even take note of failing to meet your basic needs.  That is...just childish."

Yet, here we are, two years later and he is grumbling and feeling the strain himself, balking and harping about my finances. I can't help I have IRS issues my ex-husband left me. I also can't help I have past CS debt, also because the Ex refused to allow me to work, which in turn left me with a HUGE debt. And I also can't help it if I have school debts which again, yep you guessed it, are a result of the ex husband. I am not trying to blame anyone and I DO take responsibility in allowing it to happen in the first place and
 I have since tried to do this on my own and failed. He didn't even initially offer he just started taking care of them. I am ever grateful, I am. But isn't he the one who said here it is his responsibility? As well as mine?

Now, in addition to this issue, we don't go out anymore. He never wants to enjoy the places we used to. He isn't the person he used to be. He has retorted back into his little hole of video games and seclusion. I feel very taken for granted in the manner of "I have you now, why do anything else to keep you"

This bothers me on such a level I can't even describe! I am at a loss. I have mentioned the lack of attention. I have discussed in tears and agony how I feel like things have changed. All I get is excuses and things I was fearful of with our age difference. Work is most prevalent to him. I however do not or haven not EVER felt that way. I sincerely doubt if on a death bed anyone ever really said "I wish I would have worked more" or once the gal is gone said "I wish I would have played more video games and never went out with her."

No I think it is more like the Song When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars

A whole list of "I should of's "...

I want the Way it Was to be The Way it Is. Is that really too much to ask?

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Shelf Apple

In the world I live in, most things in my life make me feel like I am living my dream.

Most things.

I am trying to build a fashion business.
I am sewing non stop and creating hair pieces left and right.
I model from time to time.
This part of life I love.
It is a struggle however financially and that is where I think part of my frustration comes from.
My man is helping me financially and I think it is putting a strain on our relationship.

But that is not the only thing interfering.

I feel depressed when it comes to our relationship. I am not fully happy. I feel like he focuses too much on video games and work and I am reliving a nightmare of a life that I lived with my ex boyfriend and most especially my ex husband. I think he feels like I SHOULD be happy because I have him and he is helping me. But to me there is more to life than money. I thought I was more to him than work and video games, but I am beginning to wonder.

My man did all he could to have me in his life and kept welcoming me back and kept begging me to be in his life. But here I am and have been for two SOLID years now and I feel like the "rut" has settled in and he has taken for granted the amazing and wonderful person I am. I don't mean that to be boastful, but I know who I am and what type of woman I am. He knows it too if he thought back to how hard her fought to have me in his life. It feels like a the same old story, just a different book cover. Everyone thinks I am so great and ooh ahh how they want me in their life. But then once they have me, it is like they caught a great fish and deicded to tack it to a wall like a trophy. Hell I would even be glad if I was a Trophy Girlfriend but you have to be willing to show off your trophy once in awhile and well, since he never wants to do anything or go anywhere or be social, that never happens.

Yet instead he lives in a world of games and work.

Supposedly he "de-stresses" this way. I am sorry but when I am begging for attention and I HAVE told him how I feel over and over again I begin to wonder if I am being taken for granted and he has lacked the ability to see me in front of him anymore. I have cried tears begging him to put me first and to be with me. Why am I not the "de-stresser"? I am getting tired of the tears and tired of his M.O. Tired of having to sound like a broken record so little by little I say nothing. Then I remember when I said "nothing" before and how NOT well that worked out for me in my past life.

I was looking at this piece of art today about how Girls are Like Apples on a Tree.

A quote from Pete Wentz

"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...”

If the boy climbs the tree sure that is great, but I have realized in my "disney-esque" beliefs as my friends call it, that there is a realization with Disney Princesses too. Life after the "Happy Ending" is what real life is about. At least those ladies got married. Not to liken myself to a cow, but that old addage of "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" seems to be in my mind, but the only part I feel lately like a cow is more like an OX having to take care and tend to everything without even so much as a shiny shoe.

I got to thinking, a lot of good it does though to go through all the effort, to go through a bunch of broken ladders, go up the ladder, climb to get the best apple and leave it on a shelf. Wouldn't that apple begin to sour and wilt away? It wouldn't be a good apple after awhile. How would it become a great apple again if this happened?

I am still trying to figure that out. But I know for now... I feel like the apple got picked and now, since the boy got the apple, he hasn't really seen how shiny and wonderful it really is since he put it on the shelf.

~Trisha Trixie