Aspergers, Aspie, and Me

I am always unique, dynamic, different, audacious and phenomenal...in the beginning.

They want to to be around me.

They nearly want to devour me.

In the beginning.

Until they delve in deeper.

Then, those fateful words I hate to hear..."too much" or "you're a lot to take"

UGH. just stab me right now already.

I don't even remember a time when those words were NOT uttered.

I feel like I have heard them my whole life.

I am sure I havent' heard them 48 years, but let's say for realism, since I was 5 years old.

I remember a time when I was five years old, at my aunties table, arguing with a man about who should be president and why. Meaning no harm, teasing he said "you are too much. you are not a five year old, you must be a midget!" While he meant it as a compliment, I will ever forget it.

As I grew older, I was "too much" for my cousins to play with.

I was "too much" for the boys at school to consider dating.

In my twenties and thirties, I was "too much" for my spouses, friends and co-workers.

It wasn't until my forties that it was brought to my attention that I may have Aspergers.

In 2016 I was tested and not only that, but I am bi-polar too! WOW!

Well, that sure explains alot.

Hmm...I hear that phrase a lot too, come to think of it.

Just now I hear it when the time comes, that I end up having to explain to someone that I have Aspergers and meat no harm by what I said, or didn't understand because I have Aspergers, or I'm "a lot to take"

Now I am 48 years old.

I'm sick of explaining that to people.

A good friend recently told me, perhaps instead of explaining "Aspergers" explain the symptom and why it pertains to me and Aspergers. That is better perhaps, but the whole having to explain it is obnoxious. I am not the only Aspie that feels this way.

AS one article below says, the hard thing is that we, Aspies, always have to explain. But other's don't. It is our fault if we don't' understand, not yours for not explaining it clearly. It is our fault if we don't get the joke. It is our fault if we are rude, or unfiltered, not others for being fake or petty.

People don't realize how very hard it is to be an Aspie.

We have to walk on eggshells.

We always have to apologize.

We have to think twice as hard about what comes out of our mouths because most of the time it is too raw for others to hear, accept or understand.

We are the ones who lose friends because people just can't take us anymore.

And we are the ones we walk around with an invisible sign that sometimes we wish all to see that says "Yes, I am an ASPIE. I have Aspergers. I have High functioning Autism."


I have no filter
I think black and white
I don't get hints.
I often don't understand jokes.
Sarcasm is way over my head.
We take things, life and you as well as what you say for face value.
We struggle with emails and text because there is no facial expression or tone.
We are often like blind people having to try to read those expressions and tones and figure out what they mean.
Most have something else. I have Bi-Polar.
My pace and my way let me succeed.
Your way and your method generally does not.
We are not great with eye contact.
We take things literally.
WE infringe other comfort zones without realizing it
We are generally pretty damn smart
We often excel at things
We express love differently
We are not weird you are.
We are trying to understand.
Give us a little understanding.
Grant us a little compassion

http://autisticnotweird.com/asperger-syndrome-50-facts-about-having-mild-autism/

https://www.medicinenet.com/asperger_syndrome/article.htm#what_is_aspergers_syndrome

http://theweek.com/articles/469278/5-important-facts-misconceptions-about-aspergers-syndrome

https://www.everydayhealth.com/aspergers/7-famous-people-you-didnt-know-aspergers-syndrome/

https://www.kennethrobersonphd.com/aspergers-syndrome/

https://www.aane.org/asperger-fact-sheet/

Are you Ready to RISE?

I will never know what it is to be of another race

I will never know what is to face that life.

I will never know what it means to struggle in the face of THOSE adversities.

I will never be Black, or Asian, or Hispanic, or Latino, or anything other than white.

I will never be able to put myself in YOUR shoes in those cases.

I will never know what it means to be judged by those standards.

I will never say I understand because I don't.

I have however been molested, raped, beaten, abused, homeless, lost custody of my children when they were young, lost a father when I was young, faced suicide, suffered anorexia, and now had cancer.

I may not always understand or empathize with your struggle, your trial, your strain of adversity, but I have had quite my own.

I can empathize with that.

I have overcome all that life has thrown at me.

You can overcome that too.

You can overcome ANYTHING you face.

Life is a set of hurdles and obstacles.

We are in the race of life to win.

Face your fears.

Face your adversities.

Face life, love

You do not have to be in the constant pursuit of happiness.

It is already there, waiting for you to see it.

Life is beautiful.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

YOU ARE AMAZING

YOU ARE FABULOUS.

It is up to YOU to own that fabulous inside of you.

"I have suffered much in life. In fact, that is the biggest understatement of every century in every existence I have ever known and I am not kidding. I found myself by finding what I didn't want and what I did through dating, business, entrepreneurship, and more. I overcame; I was not just burnt, I was singed. I truly believe I went through the refiner's fire and I was left with nothing but ashes. I rose from the ashes and I came out a Phoenix." ~Trisha Trixie Hunter-Merrill

It's time to RISE UP.

Are you ready to rise?

https://fallingintofabulous.wordpress.com/the-risen

As Birthdays Go...

As birthday go...last night was one for the books.

This year, everything just seems that much sweeter. I did have a birthday party last year and though it was fun, this yer is just even that much more wonderful, memorable and sweet. This year, I have been battling Cancer. Though I hate that phrase, it is the truth. Everyday is a battle, though I wear it with a smile. I conquer this battle with positivity, encouragement and inspiration. To celebrate my life this year, was my birthday gift to myself. I'm here. I have survived. Cancer did not kill me. chemotherapy did not kill me. Hemorrhoids  did not kill me. Though out of all of them, that one has been th worst, I am still here and I am still going strong.

As birthdays go....this one will always be remembered.

This is the birthday I fought Cancer.

Now I would say, this is the year I fought Cancer and won. But until my net PETSCAN I "technically" can't say that. Though I was NED (No Evidence of Disease) at my last scan and I have no genetic predispositions to cancer from my family. Which is also good because that means the likelihood of it coming back it slim to none. Which, in turn, is good news for me all the way around.

I always love my birthdays. But this birthday is sweeter, grander, lovelier, wonderful, stupendous, marvelous and the most fabulous birthday I feel I have had in my adult life because  I AM STILL HERE. I AM STILL LIVING. I STILL HAVE BREATH. I STILL HAVE LIFE.

And that , folks, whether you celebrate birthdays or not, is definitely a reason to celebrate life!

I am so thankful to be alive!

XoXo Trisha Trixie

Fighting for the Dream

I am so frustrated right now that I am just not sure whether to scream or cry.

I am fighting for this dream and I seem to be the only one with the vision.

I am bootstrapping it all the way and trying to get everything ready to go.

On top of that I am planning a wedding, still unpacking from the move, frustrated our house back in Iowa hasn't sold yet and doing everything I can not to go cuckoo!

There is a lack of patience on others part and I am sure it is my own fault because normally I am so responsive that when I am not, they just jump the gun and do what THEY want, not thinking what would be the most help for me or to me.

80% of startups fail.

I am fighting a hard battle and could really use your patience. I may not respond to your FB message right away, your email, or your text. But that doesn't mean I wasn't going to. Give me a breath to answer you, please.

I am a one woman show.

I do not have capital. I am bootstrapping it. Meaning every dollar spent is from my personal income.

I am stressed, in chronic pain I don't show because I refuse to be the grouch,  and frustrated.

I miss my old friends.

I love my new friends, but building those relationships don't happen overnight.

The ones I thought I would see I feel don't care enough to make me a priority in their life. I don't know what to do about that. It saddens me. But what to do.

As always I am alone, the one going and doing everything, alone.

When I want to do social things. Alone.

When I want to do business things. Alone.

I had this misconception that I would be hanging out with friends all teh time and I would come here knowing some people but of course, I am let down because I instilled that expectation and now I have been let down and it is my own fault.

Fighting for the dream to have a successful startup, do your own business, be successful, all of that, takes a lot of work and if I even had ONE person that was that one person I could share all of this with would be so much easier.

I am not giving up the fight.

Just felt the need to vent out my frustrations and I don't even know what to think or say or do anymore without fear of hurting someones feelings or pissing them off if I say something. So like always, my thoughts go out into the sir of the internet...

Maybe others who are also fighting for their dreams will see this. Maybe someone will understand....

Shiny Happy People are Like Rocks

I live my life very happy and very shiny. I like to be luminous and sparkle and sprinkle glitter of joy in my path. I desire to leave pennies of love and light and happiness behind me imagining that the joy I exude and leave behind is somehow being picked up by others like they are hunting for Easter Eggs or something. The imagery of this even as I type this thought makes the corners of my mouth turn up. Because I often hear how others say to me "You live life so abundantly" or  "I live vicariously through you" and one day I posted a thought...

"I live vicariously through myself"

profound, but true

Happiness is a state of mind and my mind is never where it should be. To some this is a bad thing, yet to me, it is a wonderful adventure in a  Disney-ese presence of mind. Something we learn from Disney movies however is there is often an evil person, a person has to go through some sort of struggle, but in the end there is a happy ending and it all works out.

I know you are thinking, "honey, life don't work that way"

but...it does...

A shiny rock, a gem, a diamond etc was once a piece of coal. The rock was not always shiny.

Rocks were once just a meager ole normal rock.
Then it underwent some sort of refining.
A lot of sand and grit had to pass over them over and over and over and...over.
It had to endure that rough gravel constantly scraping on it and scratching it and buffing it out.
After a very long time, some decades, the rocks starts to shine.
Unless you keep up this process the rocks only stays partly shiny and depending on how you treat it and take care of it, it could go dull again.
To be the utmost shininess it can be, it has to keep undergoing this process

Some rocks have a false shine. They are super shiny when wet and appear shiny, but then they dry out and lose their sparkle. To be truly shiny a rock MUST undergo this type of treatment.

I am using Rocks as an example to ourselves.

For a person to be shiny they must undergo this treatment or process in life. A person may wake up and be a shiny person as a youth, but life happens and they don't stay that way. just like Wet rocks. They are not True Shiny People.

No, for this effect to really take effect to be the most happiest they have to go through the grit, and grind and abrasiveness of life and overcome that. Each time overcoming they become a bit more shiny. The more they endure the shinier they are.

If you understand this logic then you would understand that there are times when the rocks are dull. They start out dull, simple rocks and then get shiny. People must undergo this same thing which means that there are times, when people are not shiny. they are dulling and may need to go through the process again to keep up their shine. With this logic, it would go to say that then it is by means in life that we must endure adversity if we desire to be like the shiny happy people.

Now perhaps, you don't want to be a shiny person. Maybe you are happy being artificially shiny, like a wet rock. Maybe you have gone through some things and decided "That good enough. I am enough shiny now" and stop. Maybe you did not feel you could endure anymore of the shining process. I understand it happens. That choice is up to you.

I desire to make you aware however, that if you want to be a true SHINY HAPPY PERSON you MUST endure the process. YOU MUST. This is life. This is how it works.

These adversities in our life build our character. They make us who we are. They embody us, the build us up or tear us down. They give us strength if we let it, they help us to grow and they help us to be stronger and yes, SHINY.

So if you desire to be one of those  HAPPY SHINY PEOPLE the reality is you MUST ENDURE the tumbling.

YOU ARE A ROCK

Which type of ROCK do you want to be, is the question?

Until Next time,
XOXO Trisha Trixie


Reference : Shining Rocks  Stream Bed Rocks

Wishcasting Wednesday: What Do You Wish to Savour?

Wishcasting Wednesday: What Do You Wish to Savor? Wishcasting Link HERE

 I wish to Savor:

• My time here on this earth
• To make every moment count
• To live like everyone is watching and I welcome it (because I do)
• My time with others
• Enjoying the moments I have at places, events, and others
• The internet and I can learn from the good or bad that happens on it
• Things we didn't have before and see them for the positive
• The lessons I have had to go through in life
• My friendships with my family, friends and new acquaintances 
• Life and all it has to offer me and all it has to offer others

I leave you with these videos for you to savor to show you that I DO Savor life and hope that you will too

 Rich Life

This Life Was Meant to Shine

When I Leave

Savour Life. Love it. Live it. Savor every cotton pickin minute of it.

Two Weddings and a Funeral

In the past few months I have gone to two weddings and one funeral.

I was sitting at the wedding of my niece not long ago thinking "Wow, how fast she has grown!"

At the funeral recently I thought "I didn't really know this man, but I can hear by the things being said and the songs being played he was a man of honor, cared about others and left a legacy of happiness and fond memories in the trail behind him"

At the second wedding I was there with my BF Ben. I knew ONLY Ben. Well and his mom. But aside from that...no one else. The wedding itself was quick and beautiful. I could tell the couple loved and adored each other. I could tell they had a fondness for each other. I could tell they helped lift each other up and were sources of encouragement for one another. Their family and friends said the same thing about them at the reception.  While at the Reception, I looked over at Ben and thought One, "How lucky I am to have such a kind and wonderful man. He is all those things to me and I hope I am the same to him." Two, "I feel honored to be here with this amazing family at this amazing wedding. These two people as individuals have already left a legacy of love on their friends. Together, they will do so even more. " 

This got me to thinking about my life. I look back and recognize I have luckily lived a full life.  My mother sacrificed for me to be able to do so when I was young. I sacrificed many things in life so I could do other things as well. Yet, I have never deprived myself of life, love or living the life I desired. Whether that be in love, relationships, or work even. I see what I want and I leap. I go for it. I may not have a net or anything or anyone to catch me, and yet I jump.

Life IS short. Even if you believe in reincarnation...THIS life is short. This is what we have, what we live, what we know.  Don't be afraid to live in it. Dare to dream. Shoot for your goals. You never know what will come into your life. You never know what door will close, what window will open, what blind you are putting over eyes could be shutting you out to the most amazing scene ever. Sometimes we have to see the scary stuff first to get to the happy ending.

Just like my little funny quote says..."You're next" ....now what what are you going to do now that you have realized that?

Xoxo~TrishaTrixie

Funerals

Funerals are not the easiest for me. Today I am going to a funeral for my cousins wife's father who I also consider my cousin. I did not really know her dad but I know her. I lived with them for awhile and she is very dear to me. I know it would mean a lot to her to have me there. I also know it would make her sad if I was not there. So I am going.

My father passed when I was ten. My best friends dad died when we were sixteen. My grandparents died around the holidays and death has been such a big part of my life you would think I am used to it. But I am not. Quite the opposite. I am sure no one LIKES death. Ok I take that back. I know my nephew is all goth this and that and some of my younger friends are all into goth and death but in reality I don't think they REALLY like death.

My cousin, her husband, was at my father's funeral. He saw how traumatic of experience it was for me. But many did not see the aftermath of how it affected me. Or should I say how I was unwilling to accept this fact.

Then going to live with a mother who believed in life after death did not help. Then I was quite confused. Was he dead or wasn't he?

I do believe in a higher power and I do believe living life to the fullest is essential because who knows. Though I also believe in accountability because also who knows about what that afterlife is. Maybe we come back as another human, a rabbit, a dolphin or a worm. I have no clue. Perhaps we go on to be missionaries to other worlds or other universes and help them learn. Still, I don't know.

I was Mormon for ten years and to add to my confusion about the afterlife, that also did not help yet add to the confusion.

So when I am going to a funeral anymore many thoughts go racing in my mind.

But in the end because of past things that have happened in my life no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, how far I have have come, I am always "Daddy's Little Girl" and the events and thoughts around my fathers death rise up in my head and come back into my mind.

I have grown much stronger since then and thanks to my dear counselor Sara I have learned to conquer these things and move forward with them on days like these. That doesn't mean it isn't hard.

But there are moments like these, like today that we, as adults, must put aside thoughts of ourselves, be there for others and take that empathy and turn it towards them. We love them, nurture them and show them our friendship and compassion.

My insecurities no longer define me. They do not need to define you. Do not let them.

Oh oddly. Reminders of Kat's Johny all of sudden coming wafting into my mind. How often that girl is in my head and I have never met her. But I know out there someone shares something with me.


A pain, a hurt, a love, and growth for a better day and a new tomorrow.


Dang, why did I put on makeup if I am only going to cry it off.....


Until next time my lovelies...

xoxo~TrishaTrixie