Funerals are not the easiest for me. Today I am going to a funeral for my cousins wife's father who I also consider my cousin. I did not really know her dad but I know her. I lived with them for awhile and she is very dear to me. I know it would mean a lot to her to have me there. I also know it would make her sad if I was not there. So I am going.
My father passed when I was ten. My best friends dad died when we were sixteen. My grandparents died around the holidays and death has been such a big part of my life you would think I am used to it. But I am not. Quite the opposite. I am sure no one LIKES death. Ok I take that back. I know my nephew is all goth this and that and some of my younger friends are all into goth and death but in reality I don't think they REALLY like death.
My cousin, her husband, was at my father's funeral. He saw how traumatic of experience it was for me. But many did not see the aftermath of how it affected me. Or should I say how I was unwilling to accept this fact.
Then going to live with a mother who believed in life after death did not help. Then I was quite confused. Was he dead or wasn't he?
I do believe in a higher power and I do believe living life to the fullest is essential because who knows. Though I also believe in accountability because also who knows about what that afterlife is. Maybe we come back as another human, a rabbit, a dolphin or a worm. I have no clue. Perhaps we go on to be missionaries to other worlds or other universes and help them learn. Still, I don't know.
I was Mormon for ten years and to add to my confusion about the afterlife, that also did not help yet add to the confusion.
So when I am going to a funeral anymore many thoughts go racing in my mind.
But in the end because of past things that have happened in my life no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, how far I have have come, I am always "Daddy's Little Girl" and the events and thoughts around my fathers death rise up in my head and come back into my mind.
I have grown much stronger since then and thanks to my dear counselor Sara I have learned to conquer these things and move forward with them on days like these. That doesn't mean it isn't hard.
But there are moments like these, like today that we, as adults, must put aside thoughts of ourselves, be there for others and take that empathy and turn it towards them. We love them, nurture them and show them our friendship and compassion.
My insecurities no longer define me. They do not need to define you. Do not let them.
Oh oddly. Reminders of Kat's Johny all of sudden coming wafting into my mind. How often that girl is in my head and I have never met her. But I know out there someone shares something with me.
A pain, a hurt, a love, and growth for a better day and a new tomorrow.
Dang, why did I put on makeup if I am only going to cry it off.....
Until next time my lovelies...