Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Aspergers, Aspie, and Me

I am always unique, dynamic, different, audacious and phenomenal...in the beginning.

They want to to be around me.

They nearly want to devour me.

In the beginning.

Until they delve in deeper.

Then, those fateful words I hate to hear..."too much" or "you're a lot to take"

UGH. just stab me right now already.

I don't even remember a time when those words were NOT uttered.

I feel like I have heard them my whole life.

I am sure I havent' heard them 48 years, but let's say for realism, since I was 5 years old.

I remember a time when I was five years old, at my aunties table, arguing with a man about who should be president and why. Meaning no harm, teasing he said "you are too much. you are not a five year old, you must be a midget!" While he meant it as a compliment, I will ever forget it.

As I grew older, I was "too much" for my cousins to play with.

I was "too much" for the boys at school to consider dating.

In my twenties and thirties, I was "too much" for my spouses, friends and co-workers.

It wasn't until my forties that it was brought to my attention that I may have Aspergers.

In 2016 I was tested and not only that, but I am bi-polar too! WOW!

Well, that sure explains alot.

Hmm...I hear that phrase a lot too, come to think of it.

Just now I hear it when the time comes, that I end up having to explain to someone that I have Aspergers and meat no harm by what I said, or didn't understand because I have Aspergers, or I'm "a lot to take"

Now I am 48 years old.

I'm sick of explaining that to people.

A good friend recently told me, perhaps instead of explaining "Aspergers" explain the symptom and why it pertains to me and Aspergers. That is better perhaps, but the whole having to explain it is obnoxious. I am not the only Aspie that feels this way.

AS one article below says, the hard thing is that we, Aspies, always have to explain. But other's don't. It is our fault if we don't' understand, not yours for not explaining it clearly. It is our fault if we don't get the joke. It is our fault if we are rude, or unfiltered, not others for being fake or petty.

People don't realize how very hard it is to be an Aspie.

We have to walk on eggshells.

We always have to apologize.

We have to think twice as hard about what comes out of our mouths because most of the time it is too raw for others to hear, accept or understand.

We are the ones who lose friends because people just can't take us anymore.

And we are the ones we walk around with an invisible sign that sometimes we wish all to see that says "Yes, I am an ASPIE. I have Aspergers. I have High functioning Autism."

I have no filter
I think black and white
I don't get hints.
I often don't understand jokes.
Sarcasm is way over my head.
We take things, life and you as well as what you say for face value.
We struggle with emails and text because there is no facial expression or tone.
We are often like blind people having to try to read those expressions and tones and figure out what they mean.
Most have something else. I have Bi-Polar.
My pace and my way let me succeed.
Your way and your method generally does not.
We are not great with eye contact.
We take things literally.
WE infringe other comfort zones without realizing it
We are generally pretty damn smart
We often excel at things
We express love differently
We are not weird you are.
We are trying to understand.
Give us a little understanding.
Grant us a little compassion







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