I looked back at when and what I wrote in my last posts. Now here is the odd part...
The week after I wrote those posts in January of 2019 this year, I found out my Colon Cancer came back. Since then, just like last time, it has been a whirlwind. They found a tumor the size bigger than a grapefruit in my ovaries. We thought it was ovarian cancer so we were told to go to a Gynelogical oncologist. He removed the tumor and I had a hysterectomy removing everything. The tumor had leaked into my abdomen and inflated my belly. While in surgery they did a biopsy and found it was colon cancer. AGAIN. I healed from surgery and then had a PETSCAN. That revealed I still have cancer in my pelvis and abdomen. No surprise there if the cancer was leaking in those areas but not what I wanted to hear.
I started chemo right away.
This is all so different than last time.
This time I am taking Irinotecan, Avastin, 5Fu, Leucovorin. That's my new cocktail.
That's what the doctors and nurses call it. Either way, it sucks. This time I have a higher chance of losing my hair. This time I have different side effects, yet some are the same. This time it is different but the same.
I have had two treatments now and I will tell you, this time the chemo is kicking my ass. I have been queasy all week. Even now. I hate that. Chemo really wreaks havoc on your body and sadly your mind as well.
I'm awake now because I am afraid to go to sleep.
Which is odd because when I think if I will die, I feel ok with it. I feel like I am a good human. I feel like I left a good legacy. But yet, still afraid. Maybe that is just being a human as well.
I am supposed to do chemo until August. There is a lot left unsaid, unknown.
Metastatic Colon Cancer is vengeful, aggressive, scary as hell and the chances of surviving are 14%!!
That is because this tumor was called a Krukenburg Tumor in my ovaries and the fact that it was a distant site is not good.
I am still being me.
I am brave.
I am courageous.
Sometimes I am very sad.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I am just here.
Sometimes I sit and my closet and cry late at night so I don't bother my spouse, who is still trying to work, provide for me, caregiver to me and be there for me.
Sometimes I cry in the shower while listening to inspirational music.
Sometimes I am numb.
Sometimes I am pissed and angry as hell at this cancer coming back.
No matter what, I am always me.
I do not know the future of my world.
I am focusing on my next book "Always Wear Peals: Living Life with Style and Grace"
I even started a FB group for it for me to place my thoughts and encourage others to do the same no matter what they are fighting.
I thought my next book would be directly about cancer, but something in me changed.
Perhaps cancer itself.
It can do that.
It really matters to me to "Inspire the World" and I felt this book could inspire more people. Especially women.
Life will pull the rug out from underneath you when you least expect it. Handling that with style and grace is something I work on doing daily. I aspire to be like Jackie O and Audrey Hepburn. Maybe one day someone will "aspire" to be like me. Maybe I can give them hope in the darkness. Maybe I can teach them how to be a positive influence in the world. Maybe I can be a role model for them. Maybe I already have been.
Maybe, this is just another struggle I need to Fall Into Fabulous for.
Maybe this is why my cancer returned. Maybe you need to live vicariously through me. Maybe you can't handle the trials but I can. maybe by me going through it, you are growing, learning, becoming. Maybe I am here to learn. maybe I am here to teach by example. Maybe I need to be there for you.
As I said on Facebook, if that is the case, I gladly will. Because I love you. Humans of the World. Yes, you. I love you and I would do anything for you.