Saturday, June 30, 2007

Co or Ne


Went to see S for a bit. Was a long two weeks. I didn't have work to do there so it was boring as heck. He at least is working non stop so when he is off work he only has a few hours to try and fill. I could fill a few hours. Plus he could be working on the sites with his boredom time but then claims to be too busy. Interesting.

I am feeling so frustrated lately as I feel like I am going 150 miles an hour and taking care of the books, handling the B2B account things now mostly, tending to the mail, finding designers and developers, setting up networking, un packing everything here and BTW had to competlely take care of the move and the car (twice), plus the mechanic, plus paying the bills now (minus two I think that he has set up on automatic - woo hoo), and trying to be here for my son and make sure the other one is happy too, ex, stp dtr who could care less about me, and so on.

On a good note I will be updating my photo site and start loading up my pics to the site for others to download or purchase. I took some amazing pics in the bluff, of the bluff, in Co and even recently here in Ia.

We had some intense storms here and the aftermath pics are well WOW doesn't even cover it.

so anyway, Jsut wanted to chat a bit and update what has been happening. Aside from S griping (like always - he can't be pleased no matter what I do or say), things have been ok. Sigh. I becvome frustrated because I do sincerely feel as if I will never please him. I don't like that feeling. Also I feel as if he doesn't truly care about how he looks or he would do something about it and he is getting larger and larger. Which means more and mroe snoring, less and less of me wanting to sleep near him because of that snoring and a vicious cycle of misery as THAT isn't going to please him if that happens.

Plus I know he thinks he can't please me either and it so makes me wonder about us sometimes. Why are we still married if we both feel defeated so much? I dunno. Cant answer that one except to say that perhaps the good out weighs the bad. The bad news is I feel as the bad is inching into the lead to outweigh the good.

Is it really too much to ask for someone to take an active part in a relationship? Isn't that what relationship means? He whines to me a day a go about how he feels unforgotten because he can't reach me or I don't email or talk to him enough, but how many years did I sit and wait whiel something else was more important? how many years did I try to call him and couldnt reach him because he was in meetings or travelling? Did I freak out? No. How many years?? MANY. I have a hard time feeling bad now that the show is on the other foot. I hope that doesnt make me sound awful but I guess I feel justified.

he always says things like he " loves me mor ethan I love him" but he doesn't show it. HE still doesnt get that working a 100 hours doent mean romance or love to me. Notes, cards, flowers, poems, letters, a favorite candy bar I like, or a small something to say how he feels. I am always the one showering and he doesnt, but if I miss doing it he whines. When is he going to truly show me how he feels? Without tears or whining or griping? Am I expecting too much? Is it really than unrealistic to think that a man can work for his family, take care of the bills, and still make time for his wife so she feels special? I guess I must be crazy.

GRRR. It is SOO frustrating. oh and the other day he calls and the first thing out of his mouth is yelling because he couldnt reach me. He didnt say hi. he didnt say I miss you. he didnt ask me how my day was. All he cared about was he was frustrated and so I jsut should have been there. Even though I called him on it, he still ended up whining, griping and crying before the conversation was over of course AFTER he Verbally Vomitted on me about hsi day and his stresses as I stand there covered, dripping and now I am mad, hurt, stressed and he is fine and is like, Ok well, Ill let you go now thanks.

Uh, I don't think so buddy. We had a chat. Lets jsut say it wasnt good for him. SIGH AAGGAAIN. SO he wanted me more availalbe and then tonight I was, tried to call him and I think he si doing tha tthing like he used to do when we were dating when he tried to "show me" like "ill show here, I wont be avail and see how she likes it" kind of thing. Maybe not, I dunno, but I wouldnt put it past him.

Ok, so now I feel like I jsut spewed. Uh I think I will go back and post a warning on the top so if anyone reads this they know before hand. I apologize. Can you tell I am frustrated? Uh yeah. What gave it away.

(HEY I jsut realized thae note of sarcasm was in my book Crucial Conversations as a Style Under Stress. I guess I actually do that even though I thought I didnt. Whoa. Lessons Learned.

Ok, I'm all spent. No more left of me. gnite. I will try and be better at my updates and also try to be more positive.

Thanks for reading anyway if you read the precursor and warning and kept reading anyway. Either you had nothing better to do, feel the same way, or are a true friend. Either way... Thanks.

No comments:

Post a Comment