Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Abondonement and Attention Issues

Well, what a way to start off writing in 2008 right? Yeah I know but I need to write it down or I will scream. I went to the counselor last night. I started seeing her last week. Things aer going good. Last week we discussed the point that I over talk people because I don't feel validated when I talk. I have thought about that all week long and I think she is right. I think so many times people have pushed me away or out of the room, they don't ansswer me. I was told all through life "You're not old enough, you're not ready, you won't understand, you won...can't... or something along those lines. That could make me feel less validated in conversation.

So last week lesson = Validation, got it.

This week we discusses that a lot of the reasons why I run into someone elses arms is that I have abondonment issues. The reason why I feel lonely and alone is abandonment and attention. The reason why I want attention so much is the feeling of abondonment not really attention. I feel needy and ngelected but that goes back to abdon.

Well, hmm so lets see here...

my mother left us at age 6. (when I thought about that I started to cry because I thought "wow my kids are going to have abondment issues because of me. I left them at age 3 and 4. What a horrible things to inflic on your children)

Then mom bounced back and forth thru the next few years. Somewhere in 8 yr range I moved ot Califo where she was and lived with her. I knwo dad was in calif for a time but I can't remember if that is when he was there or not. I start kindergarten inIowa. REst of K in Ca, then 1st and aprt of 2nd.

Moved back to Iowa to finish 2nd.

Went on living in Iowa until 10 years old. I don't remember ever talking to my mom. I don't rememerb reciving letters form her, presents, a phone call, nothing. Now I am not saying she never did, but I don't remember them. The hunters got in the way a lot and so maybe she tried like I try with my kids but she couldnt get thu like I cant. maybe she never tried.

Someone in the year of 1980 she came back to Iowa. I often heard her and dad talking about getting back together. They would talk ont eh phone for hours. I would visit her from time to time in town.

One time I heard them talking and dad kept saying something about when he leaves. I asked him point blank if he was going anywhere. He said he wasn't planning on it but if something were to ever happen to him he wanted me to go live with my mom. I remember that conversation vividly as it was only one to two weeks before he died falling off a scaffolding putting up a HS scoreboard. I rememebr the white cord on the phone, I rememebr the shape and look of the phoen, I remem how he was leaning, what he was wearing. I remem.

I went to go live with my mom two weeks after his death. I tried to go to the country school but since my dad used to work there I couldnt handle it. I kept hearing keys and I would go running by only to see it wasnt him. You see I was with my dad on the last day of his life.

I woke up early that day and smelled grannys bread. Dada asked me if I wanted to go to school early with hima nd help out. I ate got dressed and went along. I loved to help him. I loved to hang with him. I was daddys little girl. I had to fight for attention of three other sisters, constant cousins and other relatives and friends. Most of the time I wened up out on the swing singing my songs to myself.

When they told me dad had been hurt I cried and cried. I asknowledged he was hurt. But since I was young they wouldnt let me see him. I wasnt old enough. He died Dec 7 and his funeral was dec 10th. He was a military man, a Vet so they did a 21 gun salute at the grave. Thru the whole thing I stared blankly. I never cried. I jsut stared there at the nothingness left in my life. I was in schock.I didn't beleive it.

My mom put me in counsleing, moved me to th local school to finish 5th grade. At the end of 5th she told me we were moving back to Cali. Even though I grew up there most of my life I never had that close knit of friends. I never had that ONE I talked to always and forever. I would say people were My best friends, but they never said that. They always had someone else they called that. Kids made fun of me in school and so I jsut stayed to myself. I didn't beleive my dad dies until I was 13 when my mom got remarried. Then I was out of counsleing.

I was introveert all through school. I liked to have fun and once you got to know me you couldnt shut me up, but it took awhile and I jsut never made solid friends. I was never ina click. I didn't really care too mcuh that I was leaving my friends, but then again I did.

WE moved and I had all NEW friends to try and socialize with. Every weekend we hung with her family so I mainly spent my time with cousins. my cuz Brenda and I were pretty tight but we lived far away. I nevr had a boyfriend in HS. I never went out on a date. Well, one I snuck away with, but we never kissed and became good friends. I think he is my best friend but he doesn't think I am his. Again, he calls someone else that. He tells me to my face I am his BF and I think he thinks that at times, but not like I do. I went to PRom alone, all the dances alone. My first kiss as one week away from my 18th bday. Then I nevr saw that guy again. While I hung with cousins and family I was molested and I think that played a huge part in my distrust for men and people in general. My mom often blew me off about it and so I didn't really get anywhere. She did put me in counseling again for a bit, but it was short.

At 18 someone I was dating date raped me in front of his friends who were drunk, high and on meth. I stayed with him because he was the only person who ever loved me and I thought I would nevr find anyone else. I started modeling at that time as well and came out of my sheel more and more. After that I started using guys to get what I want. I gave up sex without thinking about it. IF that's what they wanted so badly then fine take it. I thrived off the attention then and relished in all the attention men and other girls men gave to me. I went away to Europe as I planned and wehn I came back my mom had completely shut that guy out of my life. She resuced me. Shortly after I moved to Iowa, not 4 months later.

at 19 I got preggo with my 1st ex and we got married a year later. we met the month after I moved back to Iowa. Shortly thereafter we had another. I wanted otu the marriage and having another kid kept me there and I was very un happy. When I had my first I really had no clue how I got preganant. My mom tried to shelter me so much but yet all that did was hurt me. After my second I got tied. We separated and I went back and forth in my kids life. I relaized how much that had to mess them up, but hindsight is 20-20.

I slept with a few guys, lead some on, dumped others. I dated this one guy who was very much a pretty boy. He slicked his eyebrows and looked in the mirror constantly. he broke my heart. I spent what little moeny I had to go see him when he moved back home to San Fran. I spent a week with his family at his place, but I could tell something wasnt right. I heard him talking to another girl and I freaked out. I questioned him on it and we spent the rest of my trip away from each other. We had sex while I was there and it seemed like once he got what he wanted he moved on. He took me to the bus station and as the driver pulled away I was in tears. I jsut felt it. I knew. I got home a few days later and I called him. He wouldnt return my calls. Finally I called int he middle of the night at 1 am and his mother answered. She broke up with me for him over the phone. I was devasted. I lost my job, I put all his junk in a box and sent it to him.

That was the first and last time someone was ever going to leave me if I had my way about it. So far it has been. I leave and move on before someone can hurt me. I never want to feel that again.

I stayed there for awhile, got another job, but still had a hard time coping. I moved back to Cali lived with a firend until I got on my feet. I got involved with bad crap and ended up losing my job. I lived with my other sister in Cali and then was able to live on my own. It was the first time I ever earned my own wages and lived alone. I was 26. That whole year I was alone. I went ona few dates but nothing really. Nothing serous. I was ok being alone. I had a cat, I enjoyed my life. I finally quit worrying about things and then I met my last ex.

I met S in 1997. I wasn't looking, I was happy being single, I was happy with my work and my life. I was a bit lonely and I was hurt by some of the guys I knew saying I was only looking for a Baby daddy when I didn't have my kids. They were younger and I guess then I knew I didn't want anyone younger than me. Who would understand my life. Through a friend I met S and we hit it off right away. WE moved fast. 8 months after dating he proposed and at 10 months we were married. We were married for 10 years and it wasn't all bad but it wasn't all great either.
But I wasn't happy thru the years in the lack of attentiona and care he gave to me.

I went through major amounts of counseling and many of those times he didn't make time for the counseling whihc made me hurt even more. It showed to me that he didn't care about me. When their was a choice between his family, his daughter or me I was last on that list. That hurt and as years gre I felt more and more abonded by him as well.

I looked for that attention in many other places instead of wher eI should have. I had more than one affair and though I think somewhere deep down he knew he didnt want to know. I slept with someone else in our 2nd year of marriage, tried to buckle downa nd make the marriage work and was good for awahile. About year 5 we went back into counsleing but it wasn't progressive. I went searching again and foudn the attention I was looking for or so I thought. He was married as well as me so where was that going to go? no where. I stopped all communication and moved on. Year 5 he bought me a fancy ring and upgraded things in my life in many ways, but they were just THINGS they weren't LOVE, RESPECT, ETC. I was good for a few more years and then year 8 he and I founght hard. WE were both physically abuse and verbally. I had huge anger issues and really felt I needed something for us again. I was ready to walk and our bishop aked me to give therapy another try. I found a gal I really liked and we went, and I went. My anger controlled but S still put me last and once even left me sitting in the car for the hour we were supposed to be in therapy only to tell me later the other thing was more important talk ing to his boss and he couldn't get away, yet I was only an elevator ride away anda few steps to the car. WE bickered more and more. I don't remember the events leading up to the blow out but we got into it. I tried to push my way away from him and shoved him as hard as I could, he grabbed my arm and threw me down the stairs 2 flights. My heart broke and I jsut don't think I ever recoverd actually. I felt so betrayed by him doing that to me when he knew my ex hurt me physically numerous times. Who could do that to someone they loved? My heart closed off and I didn't want to be near him anymore. There were good days, but overall I wasn't happy.

On top of that my son commited a crime and it brought me down. We had a cahnce to go to I and I jumped at it. I thought "there I can get away. There I can survive and actually leave him. That was in OCtober 2006, we were in I for all of 2007. He lsot his assignment and my changed as well. His took him far away and I relished in the thought of not having him near I could finally breathe. I moved out of the hotel in May and met J in June. S was gone for 2 months by then.

I know I wasn't fair in telling him what was going on. He visited at the end of may and then in July. I asked him to leave in July and promptly drove to see J. I began talking to S about our marriage and thoguht he understood I wanted out. It didn't fully come to fruition until after I mvoed to Omaha to be near J. I was scared to death to move for J, but I felt it was worth the leap. Maybe it was too fast. Sometimes I think it would be better if I moved back away. S and I finally came to terms with him to sign the papers. Now I can move on.

J told me this weekend he liked being single and he wanted to date for 2 years. Now I really do want to mvoe away. The fact that we have now dated for 9 months and things are still so up in the air is weird for me, but I know it is healthy. I know I have a lot of issues to work out. I know he does too.
SO thru my life there were many reasons that would show that YES I have abondonment issues and yes I AM attention hungry. Now what?