Where do you go to share your inner most thoughts about how you think about suicide. Online ya sure that where most people go. I know it seems far out there to most but I DON'T know where to go or who to talk to or who to trust and that is what it most hardest right now.
People want to see the smiling face and pretty smile, the driven girl going after her desires and in all aspects I am that girl but the bearting of this town and the life in a smaller town where everyne knows you and you feel like you cant breathe or get away is exhausting.
I would never ever think of actually hurting myself as that ship has way sailed in my life but with all the drama over this past event I planned and the people who sadly unless I go into hiding I have to deal with it and I honeslt feel like shouting out to these damn people
GEESH WOULD YOU RATHER I KILLEDMYSELF? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU ALL FUCKIN HAPPY? HOW WOULD FEEL IF YOUKNEW THAT ALL YOR BANTER AND SLAMMING ME AND BASHIN ME PUSHED ME SO FAR OVER THE EDGE I KILLED MYSELF, HUH, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL THEN??
Of course, I may FEEL that deep down but as I said, I would never allow that to happen.
Those insecurities of life still creep up and scre the shit outta of me though and no matter how great things are going elswhere in my life, engagements, new menswear line, big Apron client etc, , the sad fact of the matter is I still am a human and words DO stab and hurt and cut and they are hard to handle and deal with.
When you out yourself out there, stand out in fron of the crowd it is like being in a battle with no shield or amrour on and yelling at everyone to start the battle and all the tropps from both sides are against you and coming at you full force.
Then in this moment I remember...
I am a phoenix and I can change into anything I want and I am amazing and wonderful and beautiful and I can soar above them all and poop n their heads and cars and no matter what battles they make up or dream up or create below, I will go farther than any of them could ever dream of.
Not allowing teh haters of the world to bring you down is by far the hardest task I have had to deal with EVER. EV-AR! But though I may not always know who all my supporters are, I knwo they are out there, even if they are silently whispering in the wind...