Tuesday, October 15, 2019


I cried this morning for some time I don't know what came over me but I was sitting or actually lying in bed with my back hurting and my neck hurting with my arms feeling tense and my hands having neuropathy

Last night I was told I was tough and I was I was lying here in pain thinking about what that girl told me I realized it's not the first that I've ever been told that but what many don't realize and don't see is how hard it is to be tough. it's not easy. if it was easy everyone would do it. 

the reality in authenticity of the situation is...

I get tired of being tough. Period. End of sentence.

It's been tough all my life. I feel like I've been tough since I was 8 years old but at that time until I was 41,v I was building my toughness. I was getting stronger and stronger each day I just didn't know it because when I was younger before I went through my life transformation at 41, people did not call me tough, they called me fragile.. so concerned that I would break, so sensitive, so tender, so something and if I wasn't so something I was too much.

People don't get tough because life was easy for them. they get tough because life is hard and it sucked and they may have always been tough but they could have been like me so fragile like a china doll, like a porcelain doll, so tender she could break in any minute and at times she did. she was in a mental hospital. she tried to commit suicide twice. there were times that it was really hard for her and she couldn't even get out of bed.

You know that a person had a tough life when they say things like that.

ill be 50 next year if I make it that long and I'm just so very tired of being tough.

Cancer, even having cancer twice, is only the most recent trial I've had.

 I thought that when I left my life of drama I would leave my life of trials.

Little did I know that's not how reality works.

On top of everything else I've had to deal with in my life by the time cancer came around I almost wrote it off to one more trial I'll handle this just like I handle the rest of them brave bold fearless and Fabulous.

I don't mind being tough. I find it to be quite a compliment because I know how hard my life is been and I know how hard it was to get me to this point where I wasn't fragile anymore.

I'm  not fragile anymore... I'm just tired.

 I'm just tired of being tough

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