Monday, September 29, 2014

So Alone

Most people see my life as go go and busy busy with people all around me. However, I find myself feeling so alone and wishing I had someone to share those moments with again and lately I have been feeling depressed and wondering " What happened?"

I was lying in my Physical Therapy this morning and got to wondering that question.

When my ex boyfriend J  hurt himself I drove him and picked him up and took him to every PT appt he had and needed. I took him to doctors appts and therapy appts and well, EVERYWHERE!! However, there I lie, alone, staring at the floor. 

I have asked my fiancee to go with me and he says he can't. I know he is hard working and such, but this is important to me. I even asked him to take off when I got my Sacroiliac Injections and he he said, no. 

Thus now where the "What happened" comes into play. What happened to the guy who used to go to everything with me. What happened to the guy who just wanted to be in my presence? What happened to the guy who wanted to do things with me, hang around me and to be my buddy and who couldn't' wait to be around me? What happened? Where did THAT guy go?

I am not saying we are not a great couple and he is not great and wonderful because he is. He works hard and tries hard and so on and so forth. 

But recently I have felt 

  • like he doesn't believe me
  • doesn't support my business anymore
  • doesn't want me to do anything
  • feels overworked already
When I wanted to go to the Bridal show recently I was lucky enough that my pal Jen G wanted to go with me. She has been engaged forever. The last one Iw ent to no one wanted to go however and that sucked.

My Opening night for my Apron Exhibit was very important to me and I had to beg my fiancee to show up and then only a scattered few showed up for that. I was very hurt that more people didn't come out. I feel like um seriously, where are all you people?

Maybe I am deluding myself but I DO think I am gonna make it big. HUGE. I sit here and think, "when I make it, you all will be clamoring to spend time with me and then I will have all these OTHER people wanting to spend time with me. The sad thing is, THOSE people will be the FAKE people. Is it better to have the fake people then NO people around at all?

Something else I don't get...

When I lived in Cali I was SUPER freakin busy as was my pals at church, my neighbors and people at work, yet somehow we had time for BBQ's, Sunday dinners, hanging out at the beach, parties and helping each other out. I knew my neighbors and those people became my friends. Now I hate my neighbors and can't wait to move.

Again, thought process of, "Perhaps I am deluding myself" but I feel like that was because I lived in a metro area and here I live in a smaller city" Des Moines is not SMALL per say but I feel like I have tapped my resources, exhausted my contacts, burnt my bridges and am just spent.

I am ready for a move. a change. I want a new life. a new place. New opportunities. New places to explore. new people to meet and a new chance at things.

Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone.

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