Friday, March 16, 2007

Spring Break

Trying to recover from all the chaos for SB. The pool has been broken, but I got a chance to hang out there today. I have been so busy working on marketing material for the sites and trying to do recruting for our company, it is jsut so busy. Cali is faster pace and I there is so much to do. But more so on top of all with everything going on with my son, I don't even feel like going back to Iowa right now. It all seems so futile and pointless. But I know I have to for my son. I have to be there for him. I have to support him and give it all a chance. But if they give him back to my ex I am leaving and going back to Cali. And I guess I will jsut have to wait until he is 18 or 16 and it ahppens on its own. I am through palying these mindless games where I never win, my kids never win, they suffer in a non existent society that only exists back in time. It is so frustating.

I feel like crying half the time, but can't because I have to hold myself together for ym family, my spouse who is out of a contract again, my compnay that I am in charge of and have to do all the work or it falls apart, and finances to survive. I have to keep it together because I do and those who know me know I do...

I sat in the bathroom crying before I left Iowa for Spring Break and I totally lost it once I was here alone. It is jsut so hard at times and I jsut have to cry. So spring Break is here, Scott is here part of the time and sometimes he jsut makes it worse. We se my folks tomorrow and he is leaving Sat or Sun and driving back to Iowa. I have a new assignment when I get back and he has nothing...like always.

I want to make the most out of this and I think I am doing the best I can and better than most. So SB is here, Cali is great and I think it was well needed and well used.