Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Overwhelmed

I have been feeling so overwhelmed lately. I am back at work again and again spouse does not have an assignment again. I got one before one week was over. Of course he is working on the websites again. I want him to but I don't mean to soak up the whole day doing nothing but web. He needs to be balanced in all things. I need him to do more than he is doing but he never can. I feel so frustrated and then he says stupid things to me like" I can't beleive how well you are holding up" HELLo what choice so I have? Who is going to be the breadwinner? Who is going to handle the bills? Who is going to tend to the kids? I don't really have a choice in my mind. I can't pull the covers over my head and not do anything. It is not like that would move him to do SOMETHING.

He says he can't do it and he is so overwhelmed and can't handle it all.

I have issues with my kids
Issues with his kid
I need to be in Iowa
I want to be in California
A new job with new challenges
Status meetings with our bookeeper
My mother is travelling aorund the globe and not here where I need her
why don't we add jumping through hoops of flame while we are at it and by the way honey he adds can you jsut...blah blah blah for me?
No I can't.

Can you actually do something in our life?
Can you take care or ME for a change?
CAn you be an active participant in your OWN life? Geez.

Then my friends are all aloof lately and it is so hard. Sometimes I feel like I cam going to burst and explode but then I have to hold it together because I can't do that. Who would comfort me? Me? N. instead I sit in the shower crying my eyes out, then we he comes in I act like all is well because he can't handle it if I break down even for a minute.

I broke down a month or so ago. I had jsut found out more horrible news about my son and what is his method of handling this and being supportive...he lied in bed all day and wasn't feeling well. he thought he was coming down with something. Oh poor baby. I feel for you.

But then, even though I did talk to my other friends abotu the problem and shared my thoughts and feelings, did they pull through? No. Again I dealt with on my own. What does all this make me think?

Do I ask too much? Do I expect too much out of others? I guess so. All I wanted was an email saying hey there, I feel for you, I may not understand but I am your friend and I love you and I care. I guess that is way too much to ask. Even the closest people to me can't even give me that.

Anyway, maybe I am jsut blogging out my frustrations because I am stressed today. Sorry to explode. Not that anyone is listening. But it was nice to get it out.