Thursday, April 19, 2007

Never so alone

I would like to say that I have never felt so alone but I can't. Unfortunately I have felt so alone but that moment on Sunday was the worst I have really felt in a long while. My son has told me more things that he had done wrong and the problems he is having. Itried to be supportive but ended up telling him that we had to talk about it later. I couldn't bear it anymore. I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't be strong and I felt that I had let him down not being able to be there for him. But a mom jsut isn't equipped to deal with all of this.

Scott is gone travelling, my mom is far away RVing, my friends all live out of state and I have no one. I left the school and drove away. As I got on the interstate I started to cry but ended up crying so much that I had to pull over. I sobbed uncontrollably and my heart ached with a burning I haven't felt in awhile.

I hate feeling this way but it happens a lot in my life so unfortunately I have become used to it. How sad is that? I have become used to feeling sad, used to feeling alone, used to dealing with trial after trial, issues after issue, and so on.

My life is so hard and always has been. Now my kids are going through issues and having a ahrd life as well. What do I do for their pain, thier heartache their trial?

The pain that I bear and the loneliness I feel is real and substantial. It is here.

Lonliness consumes me.