Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The Big Talk-CC

S and I spoke yesterday morning. He said he wanted to really talk to me about the divorce and asked if he coudl call me in the evening. I said ok. He called last night and we talked and talked. I will say him having read Crucial Conversations has been better for us which is good as the marriage is not over yet and we do still have a business together.

We talked about the fact that we have not been in dialogue for 10 years (the book talks about this). We talked about how we made decisions and how wrong it was, how we need to make deicisions now and that we both usually want Consesus Decision Deciding (book). We then little by little delved into the deeper heavier weightier matters. I told him how I had been thinking of leaving him befor eI ever came out to Iowa, how I was unhappy long before, how since our last arguement in July I took my wedding ring off and haven't worn it is with the exception of when I went to NY with him, and then took it off again when I came home, I told him I was somewhat dating other people already, I told him how I don't know if I can wait any longer for him to treat me right.

Of course all 0f these things were not easy for him to hear, but we made it through. There were moments of tears on either part but our Mutual Pruppose was to get through the dialogue and stay talking and it helped. By the end we were discusssing the things I was doing for the business and any options if these things didn't work out for me. WE discussed out finances and him starting another business for me to pay into corp to corp for the work he does and he agreed.

We always talked about him not being a aprt of my blogs and him not being a aprt of my life. He asked if I would let him inmy life like my friends are and I said no. We talked about my life and things I have been hiding and how I do not feel as if I can be true to myself. He asked what that meant and I discussed E and lunches and emails I have as E has been my friend for years. He was open about it and understood. He said he doesn't want me to hide away and he wants me to have the life Iw ant. He wants me to have my friends even if he doesn't agree. But he would like to be a part of my blogs and I told him that I did not want himt o be a aprt of that as it is mine and it is my way to unload about my life and him and other things I am feeling.

It was not an easy discussion but it went ok. I am sure hearing I don't wear his ring, and that I am dating was not easy. He knows I don't love him and I don't have feelings for him. He also knows that I am not willing to wait now that he is changing. He also talked with me about how I feel that he looks at me as this evil person about the divorce and that I am not that. He said he doesn't look at me that way, but he is hurt by many of the things said.

The talk ended with us agreeing to talk more, but that both of us understood why divorce is looming and why and how we arrived at this point in our lives. I know it was hard and I really didn't want to "talk" about it, but the mature thing to do is talking about it so I did. The outcome was good, though I know it isn't what he wanted to hear.

Afterwards I took a long bath listening to Colbie Caiilat and jsut sat there thinking about everything. The talk was a good talk but it didn't change the way I feel. I don't love him, I don't feel anything for him, I am not attracted to him, I don't want to wait anymore for him to change.

I'm tired of waiting. I want "Somebody to love" and I want all of the things in that song right now. I think I can have that. He is NOT that. Those are facts. I deserve Somebody to love and I deserve Somebody who treats me right, right now.

That's fair isn't it?